Chrysalis leaned down to glare down from her throne. The Changeling stood cowering beneath the black monolithic chair. Chrysalis’ eyes flashed with rage.
“You didn’t get the book?” she spoke in a dangerously soft tone. Changelings can’t speak though, so this one just shook his head. Chrysalis teetered, nearly all the way off her throne now. She knew it was a bad idea to have it build so much higher than the height of a normal pony. Now she had to lean down to speak to her subjects.
“Fine. Two months Derpy Duty.”
If Changelings could cry, this one did. It left in shame. Chrysalis leant back in her chair and thought deeply. She had to get this book. It was imperative to saving her entire empire. That book was not just any book, it was Luna’s fanfic. Without it, how was she expected to feed her Changelings with emotions? She had the prisoners already in the reading quarters. Her plan was brilliant, and genius to top it all off. She would read Luna’s horrific fanfic she had written while trapped on the moon to her captives, who would naturally give out the emotions needed to keep them all alive.
There was only one problem. Luna’s book was locked up in the deepest part of Tartarus. Chrysalis had tried speaking to Celestia about it, but then Celestia had banned Chrysalis from 4chan and FaceHoof. Apparently the Princess of the Sun could do that. Chrysalis had even tried speaking to the deranged Nightmare Moon, who had been driven insane by the return flight to Earth. But even the lunatic ruler of the moon couldn’t give her the answers she seeked.
Thinking about it, Chrysalis supposed that the word ought to be ‘soken’ shouldn’t it? You speak, then you have spoken, right? It didn’t matter anyway. Chrysalis didn’t realise how much she relied on 4chan to communicate with her minions. They couldn’t talk, but they could read and write, but now she was mostly cut off from her horde.
Oh why did Celestia hate her so? There was that one time Chrysalis had stolen one of the royal banners from the Castle of the Two Sisters, but so had that white one. Precious, that was it. The Precious had taken the banner. The Precious had stolen it. There, another example; you steal, and then you have stolen. It should be ‘soken’.
Chrysalis pondered this new breakthrough in her theory. Then she turned her mind to the problem of Luna’s fanfic. If only Luna hadn’t turned insane due to the gases that surround the lemon-shaped world. Luna could write Chrysalis a new fanfic. Oh the photos she and Luna had shared on 4chan. There was the one with Luna and that stupid kid who lived on the moon. And, of course, Chrysalis had showed her that one with the sofa and that small Prussian vase.
But now she was banned off 4chan. What would her adoring fans and followers do without her weekly photos of cats, and all those TwiCanes. Ah the TwiCanes. Celestia was just a big Jealous Judgmental Jealous Jealousy Pants. Celestia and Chrysalis used to have so much fun back when they were fillies. Celestia always seemed to laugh when Chrysalis turned into that one butler and mimicked his haughty voice.
The split was when they were around Precious and Twilight’s age. Celestia wanted to make a YouTube channel with music videos and posture guides, but Chrysalis had, of course, wanted to make a joint 4chan account and post stupid pictures and Ponified memes. Daddy always favoured Celestia because of that one time she had made him breakfast in bed. Well, Chrysalis wasn’t having any of that nonsense. She had prepared an interrogation for Daddy, but he was sick with food poisoning. Probably from that breakfast, once Chrysalis started thinking about it. So Daddy had made Celestia a Princess, and Chrysalis a Pony.
But after years of plotting and biding her time, Chrysalis had found more like her. She had discovered the Changelings, and became their Queen! Beat that Celestia! A Queen, not some prancy Princess!!
However, Twilight was a Princess, so maybe it wasn’t that bad. Twilight always made Chrysalis light-headed. The way she had thrown away her friendship with Precious and the others just to prove a point was admirable. Practically forcing her own brother to disown her only for five seconds of pride was adorable. A pony after her own heart, truly. It seemed ages since they had last FaceHoofed each other over the magical Interwebs, built by mindless spiders ages ago. Twilight just wasn’t online anymore.
If Chrysalis was going to speak to her beloved on FaceHoof, or communicate with her subjects, she needed to get unbanned. But that required Celestia to be overthrown. And to overthrow Celestia, you need power. And to get power, you need Luna’s fanfic. And to get Luna’s fanfic you needed to get some underling to do it. And to get some underling to do it, you needed to communicate with them. And to communicate with your underlings, you need 4chan. And to get 4chan you need to get unbanned. And… well, the plan was simple enough to begin with.
To calm her fluttering nerves, Chrysalis went walking to the prisoners.
The screams of ‘Mercy!’ and ‘Save us!’ seemed to soothe her, and a good interrogation was such a buzz. It was almost the same as having five cups of coffee then staying up all night to get that one rare item on World of Marecraft.
As she walked, she lamented to her prisoners. For some reason most of them felt that losing internet privileges was slightly worse than being chained away with one meal a day, knowing Luna’s fanfic will get read to you. But one pony, a sort of beige one, seemed to perk up when she mentioned FaceHoof and 4chan.
“I can help you,” he said. Chrysalis looked him up and down. He looked dumb. Those big dorky glasses and hair that looked like someone had hung him upside down then poured two bottles of hair product in his mane.
“No you can’t,” Chrysalis intoned, in her voice of death. Dumb looked unimpressed.
“I can’t get you access to 4chan again, but I can set up a new website for you to communicate with your, er, loyal subjects.”
Chrysalis strode away, hoping it would make him say more. It always did in the movies.
Dumb did indeed speak again.
“Alright,” he said, crossing his hoofs in his cage, “I guess you won’t get to upload images online anymore.”
Chrysalis abandoned her regal coolness, and bolted to the cage, gripping it and grinning wildly in excitement. She made a mental note to stop going on TVTropes.
“Do it!” she screamed in joy. He fell back in shock, pushing against the back most bars of the cage.
“I need,” Dumb began, “I need a computer.”
She snapped her hoofs together, and a Changeling came, holding a tray of Gouda and some Camembert. She hit the tray, sending the cheeses flying. Smarter prisoners held out their hoofs to catch the falling snacks.
“Not you,” Chrysalis snapped, “The other one. Oh,” the continued, remembering the signal. She then clapped her hoofs twice, and another two Changelings arrived, carrying the royal ComPewter in a large cushion.
She handed it to Dumb, who took it gingerly. He turned it around several times in his hands. He looked disappointed at the small blue things near the buttons.
“Intel Core 2?” he complained, “I suppose it will have to do.”
Quite some days later, Chrysalis was beginning to doubt her faith in Dumb. He still hadn’t delivered on his promise to make her the website. She stalked down to the dungeons, then yelled in her loudest, most evilest voice.
“DUMB!”
Not a peep came from the prisoners, so she was forced to actually walk to his cell. He looked up from the ComPewter screen.
“Oh hi,” he greeted. She growled at him, as the WikiHow guide told her to.
“Why have you not shown me this website?”
“Oh no-one came down her,” he murmured, transfixed by the screen, “So I started playing Tetris.”
She angrily snatched the ComPewter from him. Tetris was only befitting of a Queen. Or King, Chrysalis supposed. Dumb spoke behind her.
“Umm, I kinda need that back. I haven’t named the website yet. I was going to leave that to you.”
Chrysalis turned back around, puzzled. What should it be called? Too late, she realised that she had thought aloud.
“How about Instagram?” Dumb suggested, “It took ages to come up with that name.”
It had a certain ring to it, but after a long deliberation lasting two seconds, the answer was;
“No. I know!” Chrysalis yelled, leaping into the air and turning somersaults in ecstasy, “4Chrysalis!”
Twilight’s voice came up the stairs.
“What are you doing up there, Discord?”
“Nothing Twilight,” Discord yelled in reply. He closed the book with a snap, and shook his head in mock sadness. He teleported down the stairs of the Castle to Twilight. She looked at him critically.
“I heard a quill scratching,” she demanded, “You weren’t rewriting the history books were you?”
“Oh no!” Discord said, making a surprised face, and tucking the book behind his back, “That’s a Wednesday thing.”
Discord pulled out a calendar, showing next Wednesday circled in red. Every Saturday, there was a small picture of Fluttershy, each captioned with, “Tea Party.” Twilight was particularly interested in the small photo of her, for the next day. In the photo, Discord had scribbled on a moustache and beard in black marker.
“Now now, Twilight,” he scolded, “It isn’t good to know ones destiny!”
He pulled out the book once she had left. He nodded in approval at something, then grabbed hold of a flying pig, which carried him away. If you were listening closely as he departed, you might have heard a chuckle and the words; “ComPewter! What a chaotic idea!”
