Perhaps it was the persistently grey clouds blanketing Verona's sky that made me think of them. How different all the world would be if we controlled the weather, if at the blow of a whistle a team of winged ponies, eyes narrowed and lips smirking, spiraled through the sky to clear the clouds and brighten up the day. Instead I spent the hours tossing a glance overhead now and then, waiting for the rain. It sure felt like rain.
It started with Rainbow -- partly because of the weather, as I mentioned, and partly because she's the only one who could reasonably and comfortably accompany me as I biked through the narrow, empty streets of Italy -- appearing at my left. She wore an expression of... disappointment, I guess. That's the best way to put it. Kind of angry disappointment, though, like she was upset or just judging me.
I played dumb. "What?"
She rolled her eyes. "You know what."
I looked forward again and sniffed. I was getting over a cold: another reason that I didn't want it to rain, especially since I didn't have an umbrella on me. Clicking up a gear, I rounded the curve of the river, watching the old castle pass in my right eye. People were opening umbrellas on its bridge or else hurrying to cover. Dark spots spread across my shoulders and thighs.
"You gonna ignore me?" Rainbow asked.
"Can you fly in the rain?"
She guffawed and did a little turn in the air as she flapped undaunted. "I can fly in anything, pal!"
"Pal," I repeated, grinning. "So we're still friends?"
Rainbow frowned. "I dunno. Are we?"
"What's with the questions, Socrates?"
"Back at ya!" She swerved around a car going the other way. "Talk to me!"
"I don't have anything to--" I mumbled.
"You used to talk to us all the time!"
I lowered my brow but tried to keep my voice calm. "Yeah, well, I've got a lot on my mind these days."
"We used to be part of everything you did!"
"I have to focus on--"
"You were so happy with us!"
"Stai calma!"
"You were safe! And now you've gone and messed it all up!"
"Lasciami stare!" I took a quick right onto an unfamiliar road and nearly ran into a black car pulling out of a lot. I squeezed the right brake (because it worked) and stopped just in time. The driver stopped, too, spraying some gravel under the car, and rolled down the electric window.
"Scusa," I said over whatever he was yelling. I pedaled fast around the back of his car and moved along towards the old church. The rain was picking up. My lap was already wet. The water was starting to reach the scalp under my hair. I clenched my teeth and pedaled faster, following the wind and the road signs.
A tiny orange butterfly darted across my path, seeking refuge from the fatal rain. I watched it land on the dry dirt beneath an old tree at the side of the road. Fluttershy was there to greet it. She lifted her head as if to look at me, but I quickly turned away and glanced up for the bell tower. Its light marble was easily visible among the dreariness of the sky, and I followed the streets accordingly, ever approaching the great stone beacon.
The shops turned into palazzi around me. All the city, it seemed, was staying indoors out of the rain. All but me. I briefly remembered how strange it was at first to ride my bike through these narrow one-way streets between such colorful condominiums. Why had the ancient Italians painted their houses so... Easterly? Lime green - periwinkle - shining burgundy - pink...
"Heeeeeyyy!"
I didn't dare look back, standing on the pedals to pick up speed. It didn't help much. She was at my side in an instant, galloping as only she could.
"Why'd you give Fluttershy the cold shoulder, huh?" she snapped, glaring at me.
"If you can't say anything nice..." I started.
"PULL OVER!" Pinkie shrieked, tossing herself shoulder-first. I braced for impact, but she landed harmlessly on the back of the bike and wrapped her front legs around my neck from behind, yanking my upper body to the left. "Take a breather! Talk to us!"
"Whoa, careful! I'm gonna crash!" I corrected our trajectory, steering around a tiny pothole.
"Grrr! Why are you being like this?"
"Stop asking questions!" I reached around the back of my head and grabbed the fluff between her ears.
"Wuh-oh..." she squeaked. I threw her off the bike. She spun, screaming, and slammed into the windshield of a parked Volkswagen. The noise it made was funny enough that I smiled a bit, but one glance upward at the sky helped me keep a straight face. Getting closer.
One BOOM of thunder, and the rain began to pour. It drenched me so fast that I yelped at the cold on my back and swerved towards the nearest big tree. It provided little shelter. I locked a chain through my front tire, left the bike there, and sprinted to stand beneath a balcony above a bakery across the street. The shop was closed. I held onto the bars that blocked its wide windows while I caught my breath, watching the raindrops explode in droves against the empty streets. For a moment it felt like I was the only thing in Verona, but a few passing cars chased that feeling away, leaving me to focus on the very real feeling of my pants clinging to my legs.
"Eugh..." I said, whipping my arms down to cast off some of the smelly water.
"Careful there, partner!" Applejack said, stepping back and blinking one eye repeatedly. "Yer worse than Winona!"
"Gosh freaking..." I groaned and leaned over her. "What do you want!?"
The blinking stopped. "Whoa there, Bessie. I ain't here to bother ya none, so take a deep breath and sit yerself down." She tapped a hoof against the granite ledge along the base of the building. Wiping rain out of my eyes, I stoop up straight, sighed through my teeth, and, after adjusting my sopping slacks, sat. She lowered onto her haunches at my left and together -- in silence -- we watched the storm.
It was a good thirty seconds before she said anything. "Surprised to see us?" she asked.
I snorted. "Not really."
"S'been a while."
"Sure has."
"I'd ask ya how yer doin', but..." She smirked. "I reckon it's pretty clear."
My half-smile matched hers. "You're always the one that gets to me," I grumbled.
"Ha!" She tossed her head back and her hat shifted a little. "Ain't that the truth! Why d'ya think that is?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. Honesty or something." I finally glanced at her, locking with those big green eyes. "You always strike me as the most sincere."
"Can't say I don't try," she said, winking. I love winks. She scooted a bit closer to me. I didn't mind.
"I don't know what to do, Applejack," I breathed. Sooner than I expected, a hot tear jumped to the bottom of my eye. I grit my teeth and forced it back. Didn't stop Applejack from noticing, though. She rested a hoof on the back of my left hand.
"S'okay. You'll figure it out." She smiled reverently. "That's why we're here."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't be. It just makes me feel worse." I lifted my hand to my forehead and rubbed my temples. "I was so close... so freaking close."
She didn't say anything. When I checked, she wasn't there. I sighed. The rain poured on.
Maybe four minutes later, the rain let up enough for me to walk through it. I left my bike where it was, despite the distance yet to go. On my wet walk I saw another person or two trapped beneath pockets of shelter. Their refusal to step into the softening drizzle confirmed their nativity: Italians hate rain. I tried to ignore their incredulous stares as I hurried toward my target, running a hand through my own slicked hair.
"You really ought to keep an umbrella in that satchel of yours," said Rarity from a few trots behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to watch her catch up, holding a decorative umbrella in her twinkling magic. It was a few shades lighter than her hair and kept her entirely dry.
I adjusted the referenced side bag so that it rested just under the curve of my spine, but didn't answer.
"Do tell me how one says 'umbrella' in Italian," she sweetly demanded.
"Ombrello," I said.
"Oh...." She frowned. "Well, that's hardly an improvement. What about... erm..." She looked around. "Rain! How do you say rain?"
"Pioggia," I said. "Or piove for 'it's raining'."
"Piove," she repeated with exaggerated cadence. "What a beautiful language you're learning, my dear."
I couldn't deny that, nor did I even want to. "Sometimes I think that's the only reason I came here," I admitted, "to learn the language."
"Now, we both know that's not true," Rarity reminded me with a tsk. "Tell me truly, my dear: why did you come to Italy? Do you remember?"
The answer jumped to my tongue before I could pretend otherwise. "To become the best version of me I can be."
"Bravo!" she said, giggling at herself. "And... ahem... how have you been doing in terms of reaching that goal?"
I sighed through my nose, spraying some drops of rain. "Not... great." I breathed in deep, only to sigh again and rub my eyes with my fingertips. "Maybe it's too lofty of a goal or something. Not specific enough. I really don't even know what it means. Who is the 'best version' of myself?"
"Interesting that you would use the word who there and not what," Rarity pointed out with a little grin.
I didn't quite get it. "Huh?"
"You said yourself that you came here to become something," she said, eyelids low. "To be something is quite different than to do something. Making a few mistakes certainly doesn't set at nought all that you've become." She smiled, then, and added, "Or all that you have the potential to become."
"It's not what I am underneath, but what I do that defines me," I quoted.
Rarity clicked her tongue with an eye roll. "Oh, come now, dear, are you trying to resolve this with the Elements of Harmony or with Batman?"
I chuckled. She narrowed her eyes. "What's so funny?"
"I never thought I'd hear a unicorn say 'Batman'," I snickered.
Perhaps offended by the laughter, Rarity disappeared, and I suddenly found myself in San Zeno's largest piazza near a monument to the fallen. I read its inscription and looked up to its peak, blinking against the rain. It wasn't far now.
Sniffling once, I left the grassy island amidst shops and streets of brick and approached the great cathedral. Though only one of what seemed like countless churches in Verona, San Zeno's was my favorite, and it was there that I felt the most peace. Trees passed to my left and palazzi to my right before its flat white face revealed around the building's corner. Before it lay a wide open plane of well placed marble, shining in the day's dim light reflected in the rain. I walked with purpose to the center of that empty plaza, buried my hands in my jacket pockets, and stared up at the structure.
I am not Catholic, and yet I felt a sense of reverence and awe before that holy building. Its sheer size and immaculate construction filled me with respect for the Italians long dead who loved their God enough to give their time and talents to His house.
"Technically it's Zeno's house," Twilight whispered at my left, "whoever he is."
"He's a saint," I answered with equally hushed tones. "It's still a house of God."
"The Catholics began worshiping saints in similitude of the many gods they once worshipped under the pre-Christian Roman empire," she stated.
"How would you even know that?" I asked, lowering my brow.
"I don't," Twilight said, shrugging. "It's just what you think."
Again, I couldn't deny it. Twilight had never been among my favorites, but in that moment before the cathedral I felt more comfortable than usual and just started talking. "I'm not sure you'll all be able to help me right now, and some part of me would like to be grateful for the company, but I'm just too angry and far gone right now to really listen to or care about what any of you say."
"You seemed to be opening up with Applejack," Twilight reminded me.
"Yeah, but what's the point? Being open with you guys is nothing more than being open with myself."
"Exactly," said Twilight, tilting her head in a squinty smile. "That's the point."
I shot her a sideways glance. Drops of rain added to the normal sheen of her mane. Her innocence was almost palpable, and against my better judgment I cracked a smile. "Okay, fine."
I looked at the great, bolted doors of the church, took a deep breath, and walked deliberately to the steps leading up to them.
As I crossed the puddled plane of grey stone slabs guiding me to Zeno's cathedral, the sound of hooftrots echoed at my back. I glanced over each of my shoulders as six bright shapes, practically glowing against the grey, followed me through the rain. They formed a colorful arch of friendship, ever approaching, ever comforting. Another warm tear sprang to the corner of my eye. I wiped it away quickly, even though the rainwater on my face would have masked it.
Though the sky grew only darker, I felt as though an ethereal light, carried, perhaps, by nothing but my imagination, shone around me as I took a careful seat on the steps at the end of the plaza, facing away from the towering church. The light seemed to intensify -- a subtle, truly magical thing -- as the ponies drew near. Applejack smiling, Fluttershy blushing, Pinkie Pie beaming, Rainbow Dash pouting, Rarity smirking, and Twilight content. One by one they sat around me, covering the stone steps with their bold color, chasing the darkness away from my soul.
Applejack sat at my right and leaned against me, so close that her hat tilted. Pinkie laid on the step below her, resting her chin on my thigh. I couldn't help but run my hand over that big, curly mane. Fluttershy curled up at my left, her wing pressed against my leg. Twilight sat opposite of Applejack, nuzzling my shoulder once before brushing my hand with her tail. Rarity laid behind me in such a way that I could rest against her smooth, white side and nearly touch her head with mine. Rainbow sat a bit apart and crossed her front legs.
I got it. "Oh, come on, Rainbow Dash," I said, extending an arm towards her. She grinned instantly and hopped into the space next to Applejack, letting me ruffle her hair.
They all began to giggle, and I could only sigh. "Thanks, girls," I choked out.
"No need to thank us," Applejack said. "Just be here more often."
My brow tilted. "At San Zeno?"
Fluttershy answered. "No, silly. Here. With us."
I clenched my teeth. "I can't," I said. "You know I'd love to, but I... I just can't anymore."
"You don't have to be perfect to be happy, dear," Rarity whispered.
Now the tears came. "Yes I do! How can I possibly be happy if I'm not perfect!?"
"Just be awesome!" Rainbow said.
"Just be you," Twilight added.
"Everypony makes mistakes," Pinkie chimed, "and we all need more than just a couple second chances."
"Friendship isn't something that goes away if you mess up," Twilight said. "I've learned that friendship is actually what helps you get better, despite how many times we feel we've failed."
I couldn't say a word, but a smile had joined my tears.
"We love you," Fluttershy said, rubbing her silken mane along my arm, "and you should really love yourself."
After one more deep breath, I closed my eyes and nodded. "Okay. I'll keep trying."
A few minutes later the rain stopped, and I biked home.
