Votre waifu ne saura jamais parler français
It was a sunny morning in Ponyville. The reason it was so sunny was because the weather factory didn’t explode this week and thus, there were no fumes that covered the sky and blocked out the sun. It tends to be good thing when that doesn’t happen, mainly because in addition to blocking out the sun and denying all the citizens of Ponyville their daily dose of Vitamin D, about half of the town was asthmatic thanks to all the pollution the weather factory explosions cause and having noxious fumes in the air causes the asthma to kick in and let me tell you, it’s never fun when that happens.
Asthma aside, it was actually a pretty nice morning and as the morning sunlight bathed through the windows of the giant tree in the center of the town, the warm, welcoming glow of that morning glazed over a certain alicorn princess.
No, not Cadence. Not Luna either. Come on man, Celestia has been to Ponyville like three times total.
Princess Twilight Sparkle slowly opened her eyes, awoken by the gentle sunlight. She rose up from her bed, pushing the sheets off of herself as she did so. She sat up straight, yawning a mighty yawn as she stretched out her forearms, getting the blood in her veins moving. After she finished this exercise, she turned to her right.
She found nothing.
Now in any other situation, this would be normal. In fact, it would be desirable as it would prove that you weren’t visited in the middle of the night by an intruder or worse. For Twilight, however, it was not normal. This was due to the fact that she shared her bed with her boyfriend and often if not always, she always got up before he did. The clean, made up right side of the bed was very off putting to her, since something like this basically never happened.
Twilight was very confused, as you could imagine. She looked around her room and found nothing out of place. She called out, “Anon? Are you here? Hello?”
She sat there for a few moments before realizing the futility of what she just did. Regardless, Twilight decided to hop off the bed and set off to find her beloved Anon.
She opened the bedroom door and looked down the hallway. “Hey Anon, you around here?”
No response.
Twilight, whose confusion was only increasing, went out into the hallway, continuing to call out for her partner. After going around the whole castle and finding nothing, she eventually made her way to the front. It was there that she finally found him.
“Anon! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”
His back to Twilight, he said nothing.
“You know, you kinda scared me for a bit. It kinda felt like you just up and left, you know?”
Once again, no response.
“So uh, you’re up pretty early. Wanna get some breakfast or something?”
The motionless figure in front of Twilight was slowly adding confusion and maybe even concern about the whole situation. He wasn’t motionless for long, however, as he began to speak.
“I’m sorry Twilight.”
Twilight perked up at his response.
“But I can’t.”
The concern inside Twilight grew.
“Why not?”
The figure in front of her deeply sighed.
“I’m sorry Twilight, but I have to go now.”
He grabbed the knobs of the front doors and turned the knobs. Taking a step back, he pulled the doors wide open. As the doors opened, Twilight saw two bags of luggage right outside.
Anon stepped on outside and picked up the luggage. Twilight started moving forwards after him.
“Wait, where are you going?”
Anon turned around.
“I don’t know.”
“Why are you leaving?”
Anon looked down at the ground. Slowly, he raised his head back up again and looked intently at Twilight.
“I’m sorry Twilight but I don’t love you anymore.”
The level of concern Twilight had at that very moment reached its peak. She couldn’t stop the tears beginning to swell even if she tried.
“Wait, what?”
Anon could clearly see Twilight’s reaction.
“Look Twilight, don’t make this any harder than it has to be. It’s hard for me as well but you just have to accept the fact that it’s over. It’s done.”
Tears began to freely flow like the Seine River.
“B-b-but I love you…”
Another large sigh from Anon.
“I know you do. The problem is I don’t. Look Twilight, we had a good run but now, it is time for us to go our separate ways. Take joy in the fact that I enjoyed our time together and I will never forget it. For now, I must go. I can’t bear to see you like this.” With that, Anon turned around and began to walk away.
“Wait!” Twilight choked through her tears.
Anon stopped and turned around once more.
“Can you at least tell me why you stopped loving me?”
“Oh that. See, the answer’s quite simple actually,” he said. “The reason is because you don’t speak French.”
In that very moment, a very, very audible record scratch could be heard. Twilight managed to stop crying, only due to the fact that out of all the possible reasons that her beloved could have to stop loving her, this reason was at least 100 miles from the border surrounding her brain. In fact, this reason was so surprising, Twilight went from a state of sadness to a state of confusion.
“Wait, what?!”
Anon just kinda stood there as he went on to justify himself.
“Well yeah. I figured an incredibly intelligent individual like yourself would be fluent in one of the most beautiful languages in the world. That belief was shattered when yesterday, we went over to Rarity’s and she went on about foreign fashion and you just sat there, blindly nodding at all the terms she said. For the record, I knew exactly what she was saying. She really likes lace a whole lot.”
Twilight said nothing. She was still pretty bamboozled at her love leaving her for not knowing a language useless in the country she lives.
“Yeah, I’m sorry for breaking your heart and all, but it is what it is. Again, I did enjoy our time together if that’s any consolation.”
It was at this moment where Twilight’s mind finally escaped its confusion. She was no longer crying, nor was she sad at all.
“Get out.”
Anon was offput by this statement. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I said get out.”
“Well, I am out as you can clearly see.” He shrugged his shoulders, trying to prove his point.
“I never want to see you again. Get out, get out of my life and never return.”
“Never return? That’s a bit much, don’t you think? I mean, I figured that we may see each other again after a couple years or so. Maybe sit down, have some tea, catch up on our li-”
“NO!” Twilight yelled, breaking off Anon’s sentence. “ I want you gone! I never want to see you again!”
It was at that very moment where Rainbow Dash decided to pop in. Seriously, she came out of nowhere.
“Hey Twilight. What’s up?” She asked innocently.
Twilight turned to Rainbow, “Rainbow Dash, now is not the time!”
“Oooh! Are you guys fighting? Aw man, I forgot to bring the popcorn!”
Anon spoke up, “Actually, I’m breaking up with her.”
“Wait what?”
“Hey Anon,” Twilight said, “could you tell her why you decided to break up with me, out of the blue?”
“Oh that. It’s simple really,” Anon responded. “It’s because she doesn’t speak French.”
“Oh really?” Rainbow asked.
Twilight was once again concerned, concerned at the lack of any response from Rainbow. She expected her to maybe be upset at Anon, get up in his face and tell him he’s a complete and utter idiot. Despite her flaws, Twilight knew Rainbow was at the very least, loyal to her friends and she’ll stick up for any of them if anything ever happened.
It’s because of this faith in Rainbow Dash that caused Twilight to be very shocked, confused and a little disgusted at what then ensued.
After quite a bit of silence from Rainbow Dash, Anon decided that that was his cue to finally leave. Who knows? He may be able to leave problem free.
“Well, I must off. Goodbye.” Anon turned around and began to walk away. Yet again, he was interrupted by a call.
“Wait!”
Anon turned around once more. “Yes?”
The call came from Rainbow. “Anon, I love you.”
This scene from a terrible soap opera that anyone with a brain could see coming simply stunned both Twilight and Anon.
“Wait, WHAT?!” exclaimed the two.
“I’ve always loved you. Ever since I first lay my eyes on you, I knew it was meant to be.”
“Are you kidding me?” Twilight asked.
“I couldn’t have you because you were with Twilight, but now you aren’t. You’re free game now.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Anon, we can finally be together!”
“I hate everything.”
“Anon, please!” Rainbow reached a hoof out to Anon. “I love you.”
The shock wore off of Anon at this point. He was finally able to give an appropriate response to the lovestruck mare in front of him.
“I’m not sure this can work Rainbow.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, a little hurt that her advances have failed.
“Well, I’m fairly certain you don’t speak French.”
Rainbow perked up, no longer hurt. This was her chance!
“But I do! I speak French and I speak it well!”
Anon was unimpressed. “Prove it!”
Rainbow didn’t hesitate. “Oui oui bon monsieur. Je peux parler français et je peux le parler correctement !”
“Okay, I will admit that’s more than I expected. But you could have simply used a dictionary to memorize all that. I need a little more than that.”
“Qu’est-ce qu'il voudrait me dire? Comme je l'ai dit, je peux parler français!” Rainbow responded, fluently saying every syllable and accent.
Anon was still unimpressed. “A little better, but I need more than that. You got one last try.”
Rainbow thought for a bit, trying to figure out how to respond. She realized the perfect thing to say.
“Omelette du fromage?”
Anon stood there, saying nothing. Then he opened his mouth, “I’m sorry Twilight, but it looks like you’ll be seeing me around for a little while longer. Rainbow?”
Rainbow Dash smiled a wide smile as she hopped on over to Anon’s side. “Where are we going Anon?”
“I dunno. Maybe get breakfast or something. I’m pretty hungry.”
“Me too,” Rainbow said cheerfully.
Twilight just stood there as she saw the two new lovers walk off into the distance.
“So tell me Rainbow,” Twilight heard Anon say as he and Rainbow walked away, “how did you learn such fluent French?”
“Didn’t you know? Cloudsdale is the French speaking region of Equestria.”
“Really? Huh. How did I not know that?”
And that’s all Twilight managed to hear before they were out of hearing range. At that point, Twilight finally exercised her anger at what just ensued before her very eyes.
“Hey Rainbow! You forgot your white flag! Don’t you have some surrendering to do today?!”
Twilight needed to throw another one out there.
“Hey everyone! Don’t you know the reason why Rainbow flies so much? It’s to compensate for her height!”
Twilight needed to throw one more for good measure.
“Hey everyone…” She struggled with the words. “Don’t you know about the french and the…”
Twilight sighed. “I got nothing. Today’s been an exhausting morning.”
No one was around to hear this remark, or any of the insults really.
Twilight sighed once more. “Screw you Spike, I’m stealing your ice cream stash.” With that, she turned back inside the castle and closed the doors shut.
Fin
Author's Note
Dedicated to kyubbi90.
