Completely Normal

by Random Order

Rating: mature
Tags: Random
Length: 1455

Random Order’s debut story. Don’t let the title deceive you—a bunch of random crap happens. Thats about it

Royal weddings, exploding chickens, and Blueblood abuse. What more could you ask for?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-29 18:29:57 UTC

Completely Normal

Twilight Sparkle awakens to the sound of hooves walking up the stairs.

Who could that be? She wonders.

Her bedroom door opens. In walks a chicken wearing an Applejack costume, despite the fact that a chicken doesn't have hooves.

Wait a minute...why is a chicken in an Applejack costume?...Never mind.

The chicken walks up to Twilight and starts squawking at her.

"I think I'll take you to Fluttershy." Twilight says aloud uselessly, as Fluttershy then walks in.

"Twilight! How dare you steal my gerbil! Give it back now!"

"I didn't steal your gerbil. Rarity ate it."

"Leave my brother out of this!" Rainbow Dash says even though she wasn't mentioned at all until now.

"Well, then I'll just sit on you." Fluttershy says to nopony in particular.

Immediately the chicken spontaneously combusts. Fluttershy gets flung over 9000 feet in the air, even though that reference is way overused. She falls back to the ground completely unharmed.

"Rarity, why did you blow up the costume of myself that you made for me?" Says Applejack.

"Because I accidentally ate Fluttershy's gerbil."

"Why?"

"Because I thought it was a grape."

Fluttershy starts speaking Klingon in order to cuss out Rarity, which Rarity doesn't appreciate very much.

"Stop speaking in such a terrible language! It sounds worse than Sponish!"

Fluttershy replies, still in Klingon, "That's the point."

Rainbow Dash suddenly starts twerking in front of everypony. This is known as "the Pegasus Mating Dance."

Pinkie Pie enters the library through an interdimensional portal (aka the window) while Rarity polishes Fluttershy's hoofs with a spoon to make up for accidentally eating her gerbil. Pinkie Pie collects the filings to use as fuel for her oven.

Spike trips down the stairs and inadvertently lands on Pinkie Pie in an awkwardly suggestive position. Pinkie Pie intentionally misconstrues this and proceeds to steal his virginity.

Meanwhile everypony completely ignores Rainbow Dash's mating dance except Sunset Shimmer and Daring Do, who get into a heated fight over her.

This is how it goes:

"Rainbow's mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

"I have a much better chance with her. She's too awesome to get involved with a commoner like you."

"What the hay are you talking about! She's my biggest fan!"

"Please, you're just a rip-off of Indiana Jones."

"Oh, it is on."

They proceed to beat the crap out of each other. Neither of them notice Luna taking Rainbow for herself.

In fact, Luna takes Rainbow straight to Canterlot, and they have a extravagant wedding hours later, during which Luna, Twilight, Celestia, Cadence, Rainbow, Pinkie, AJ, Rarity, and even Fluttershy all get high on sagebrush.

Several minutes later, Daring Do emerges from the long-since pointless fight, victorious, only to realise she's eighteen hours too late. So, she herself does a Pegasus Mating Dance, and immediately grabs the attention of Celestia, who then takes her back to her castle to hold an immediate wedding, prompting another round of sagebrush smoking which quickly escalates into a cinnamon snorting contest.

It's pony tradition to smoke sagebrush at royal weddings. They've been doing it for millennia. The cinnamon snorting is slightly more unorthodox, but is quickly becoming a normal part of weddings involving royalty as well. The only reason this didn't happen at Luna and Rainbow's wedding is because Luna missed out on the spice's discovery.

After that wedding, Rainbow Dash and Luna go into a private room in Canterlot Castle and start a very involved sadomasochistic relationship. Rainbow so does love to be punished.

Then Applejack accidentally reveals to the world that Fluttershy is polygynous, which m—

Hold on, excuse me for a sec.

[You hear the sound of a zipper being closed, and what sounds suspiciously like a window breaking followed by the sound of a powerdrill.]

Alright, where was I? Oh, yes, Applejack just revealed Fluttershy's preference for multiple simultaneous relationships exclusively with mares. As one would guess, that makes a lot of mares happy, especially Sunset Shimmer, Vinyl Scratch, and Twilight Sparkle, not to mention Rarity, who regurgitates Fluttershy's gerbil whole and unharmed. Fluttershy immediately forgives Rarity, and all five of them start dating each other within the hour.

This of course leads to yet another royal wedding a few months later, but we'll get to that in a moment. First, though, it is necessary to point out that Vinyl in still in a relationship with Octavia Melody, who gets dragged into a relationship with Vinyl's new marefriends—and thoroughly enjoys it, if only because her parents would never approve.

She never really cared for them. In fact, she even paid a changeling four quintillion, five-hundred quadrillion bits to go to their funeral for her, when they died in a conflict with a rival gang. Octavia was technically supposed to take over and become the new ringleader, but she tricked Blueblood into accepting that position, much to his aunts' amusement.

Here's how she did it:

"Hey, Blwayblude [as it should be said], I got a proposition for you."

Blwayblude, of course, completely misunderstood her, as he only ever thinks with his—well, you already know what he thinks with, and it's certainly not his mind.

"Not like that, you perv. I mean, I want you to take over my parents'… business."

Blwayblude, being the buffoon he is, had no idea who her parents were, so the only reason he didn't agree was because of the use of the word business.

"What do mistake me for, a commoner‽ And it's Blueblood, not… whatever it was you said." He says this, completely ignorant of the fact that it should, indeed, be pronounced Blwayblude, since his name isn't a modern name at all, much less Equestrian. His name is actially a misspelling of the word blouejbluud, which is ancient Ponywegian for "one whose bodily fluids are coloured blue due to the presence of excessive amounts of blind stupidity and egocentricism."

Octavia, of course, doesn't bother to point this out. Instead, she just rolls her eyes, knowing exactly what to say. "If you take the position, you'll be in charge of a whole group of ponies, with a whole marem to yourself."

"Well, why didn’t you say so?" Blwayblude asks as more than just his interest perks.

Of course, he makes a terrible crime lord, but at least he manages to get laid five hundred times that night.

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie throws a dumpster into her fireplace and begins making tiramisu with eggnog, hurricane faeces, and fiddlehead pudding, thus discovering Applejack’s allergy to mayonaise.

Twilight throws a flashbang into the microwave, accidentally discovering deoxyribonucleic acid by doing so. She takes this highly dangerous substance and throws it into Blwayblude’s face, turning him into a puffin.

After a few months of experimenting on Blwayblude, she finally discovers that if she throws a bottle of vanilla extract at him while doing the chicken dance, she can turn him into a GloFish. She does so, and Fluttershy immediately turns him into sushi. This somehow leads to Jet Set and Uppercrust replacing him, but that’s a story for another time.

That afternoon, Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, Sunset Shimmer, Vinyl Scratch, and Octavia Melody all get married to each other, and since Twilight is an alicorn, that fact alone makes it another royal wedding. After several hours of sagebrush-smoking, cinnamon-snorting, and skinny dipping, the six of them are officially married, and they all retire to Twilight’s castle to indulge in a massive orgy with each other for the next eight-and-a-half weeks.

Hey, if you had four unicorn wives that could cast infinite endurance spells, you would do the exact same thing.

Of course, the sheer amount of juices released from such non-stop pleasure nearly drowns the entirety of Ponyville, but nopony really complains. It’s actually quite a common occurrence there. I mean it, you should see what Lyra, Bon Bon, and Berry Punch do on a regular basis.

Philomina convinces Rainbow to let her out of her cage, and flies to Sweet Apple Acres, where she succefully seduces Big Mac, which, surprisingly, leads to the discovery that phoenixes are interfertile with ponies. This leads to Big Mac and Philomina getting married, which, interestingly enough, is not considered a royal wedding. Thus, the only thing that gets smoked is cherries soaked with ethanol then crushed into a powder. I’ll admit, it’s really not the safest thing to do, but then again, it’s a heck of a lot more dangerous to eat cheesecake without a topping. The last time somepony tried that, a blue whale came out of the ground and defecated on Cloudsdale’s rainbow factory.

I know that happened millenia ago! The point is you don’t eat cheesecake unless it’s got topping! I should know, I was—

"DISCORD! YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!"

Oh, poo.