Applejack back flipped out of her 1997 Honda Civic and cartwheeled through the front door of her farmhouse. She took off her business suit and tie before crawling into the living room, the bags of groceries tied to her tail crinkling as the glass jars of spaghetti sauce within them shattered, causing spaghetti sauce to ooze onto her shag carpeting, creating long, thin stain lines that would surely cause her carpet to smell like tomatoes for a good while.
Once she had crawled over to her favorite beanbag chair, she decided to address the whole family, all of whom were watch Modern Family and chuckling.
"Haha, they're a family just like we're a family, that makes them automatically relatable." said Big Mac.
Applejack nodded in agreement, though she wished she could point out that, much like her family, the family on Modern Family got into a lot of hilarious family-related hijinks, she hadn't the vocabulary to add such an astute observation to Big Mac's own. What she did have the vocabulary for however, was her announcement, which she had almost completely forgotten thanks to the quality programming on her television. She likes Modern Family too.
"Attention family!" shouted Applejack, and sure enough, attention was received, "I know that it's been a few days since we've last eaten even the tiniest morsel of food, but I assure you that selling all of our apples and blowing the money on cheap, outdated furnishings was an intelligent executive decision. Note that this notion is highlighted by my perspicacity. I am an insightful pony, which is why I'm at the very top of my field, and please know that only through the most rigorous forms of study could any of you hope to reach my level of executive qualification. But enough of this expression of my loquacity, I have an announcement that is very likely to appease your aching stomachs. Tonight we will be having a healthy helping of tomato sauce, garlic, and beans."
Applebloom snapped back from her state of tuning out Applejack's inane ramblings at the mention of her favorite dinner in the whole world. With an expression of excitement upon her malnourished-looking face, she gleefully galloped towards the grocery bags that Applejack had since removed from her tail, and placed beside herself. Her heart practically died when she peered inside the bag.
"The jars are shattered, and the sauce is filled with broken glass." she whined.
"That's okay, I read somewhere recently that jagged shards of glass are really good for your immune system." replied Applejack.
"Oh yeah? Where'd you read that, Bullshit Monthly?"
"It was Bullshit Weekly you insubordinate little oaf!" screamed Applejack as she backhoofed her little sister right in her face. "You will go to your room without dinner tonight, and when you wake up in the morning you will apologize to the entire family live on Pay Per View! Honestly Applebloom, this is your first opportunity at food in almost a week and you completely blow it? What is wrong with you?"
While Applebloom slowly trudged her way up the stairs with tears in her eyes, the rest of the family cantered into the dining room, where they sat down at the table, save for Applejack, who was pouring the contents of her grocery bag into three medium-sized paper bags, which she then shook in order to thoroughly mix the meal she had made for her brother, grandmother, and herself respectively.
Once Applejack was finished, she sat down at the dining table and passed the paper bags to her kin, both of whom immediately shoved their muzzles into the top in an effort to gorge themselves as much as possible.
Applejack said grace, wishing the destruction of the heathens next to her at the hand of her Lord Luna: Goddess of Murder and Pee, and then dug in, gulping the food, broken glass and all, down her gullet.
Applejack decided to use the moment to mask her insecurities.
"Mmm, that was some amazing broken glass, why I can feel my immune system strengthening already."
Her family merely grunted in agreement, hardly acknowledging her existence.
Then Applejack farted.
"Oopsies, that one sort of just slipped out." She said casually, before all of the color drained from her face and she frantically covered her mouth with her hooves, hoping her family was too distracted by food to notice.
Unfortunately for her they were not, and they immediately looked at her, unbridled hatred, anger, and most frightening of all, insatiable hunger in their eyes. Farting may be a canonically established way to assert one's dominance in Equestria, but to fart by accident is a sign of bowel-weakness. Applejack began to sweat nervously.
Why didn't I just play it off? she thought to herself, I saw with my own eyes what happened to the mayor when she displayed bowel-weakness in front of Twilight. Oh that poor mare.
Without anymore hesitation, Applejack bolted, running through the house, out the door, and straight into town, her family hot on her heels, threatening to knock her from her matriarchal throne. The beans and garlic were wreaking havoc in their digestive tracks, causing them to fart loudly and repeatedly as they ran. The combination of the sound and smell sent Ponyville into a frenzy, causing every single one of them to fart at each other in an attempt to go up the rungs of the ladder that is the pony hierarchy.
Applejack felt a mild bit of relief when she happened upon Twilight's castle, and she ran to it, opened the door, and slammed it behind her.
When Applejack turned around, she was greeted with the sight of Twilight making her patented Princess Brand Farty Popz®, which she made by freezing her farts for the purpose of retail.
"Twilight thank goodness I made it here alive! I need your help! Ponyville has gone into a mass fart frenzy!"
"Again?" Twilight said with a slightly irked tone, "Ugh, I'll go take care of it." So Twilight made her way to a nearby window and released a fart that shook Ponyville at it's very foundation. Immediately all other farts ceased, and every citizen of Ponyville timidly tiphooved away with their tails between their legs.
"Wow Twilight," said Applejack as she took in a deep breath, "that was the tastiest fart I've ever had, what was it?"
Twilight smiled.
"New Princess Brand Jumbo Rainbow Farty Popz®, in stores now!"
The end.
Author's Note
That might be the worst ending in fimfiction history.
