Bar None

by Hclegend

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Slice of Life
Length: 1221

Starlight Speedster is your average everyday pegasus. Unfortunately for him, tonight isn't an average night.

Starlight Speedster is your average everyday pegasus. He helps out on the Weather Patrol, buys the occasional cake at Sugarcube Corner and generally blends in to the background. His life is simple and he's happy with it.

Unfortunately he's not had the greatest day, as he had to take a double shift because Rainbow Dash didn't turn up to work. Surely having a drink at the local bar will ease his nerves...

Right?

Rated Teen for mild language and alcohol references. Also contains some RariJack, but not enough to warrant the Romance tag.

Also, I suck at making titles.

Published 2015-02-02 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-02 00:20:02 UTC

Witty Title!

As night fell upon the sleepy town of Ponyville, a blue pegasus with a scruffy brown mane and a warp star cutiemark was trotting home from another double shift at the Weather Patrol, after having Rainbow Dash call in sick again

"Eldrich abomination this, Poison Joke that. I wonder why Rainbow Dash hasn't been fired yet. Sure she can clear the sky in ten seconds flat, but she only turns up once a month." Starlight Speedster thought to himself. "Bah, I bet that she just writes bad shipping fanfiction with a self-insert OC when she's not saving the world from Evil Villain #4637. Starlight stopped as he got a small shiver down his spine. "Brrr, must be getting late. I'd better hurry up." he muttered before taking off into the late afternoon sky.

Around 10 minutes later, Starlight had arrived at his "neighbourhood". Before heading home however, he decided to have a drink at his local bar, The Dead Horse. Despite the initially violent name, it was a very welcoming bar, apparently the owner had named it that because he was "making a statement against crap bar names" or something.

As Starlight trotted into the establishment, he noted that it was rather quiet for this time. "Maybe everypony's been captured by Queen Sectonia... No it wasn't Sectonia... Chrysalis? Whatever, Queen BugPonyThing again." he thought to himself while he pulled up a stool next to the counter and waited for the barkeeper to come.

Before the bartender could get Starlight a drink however, the peace was broken by two mares trotting in. One was a white unicorn with a purple mane, who was currently overdramatically weeping into a hankerchief and had mascara running down her face. The other was a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and magneta coloured eyes comforting the unicorn with a look of concern on her face.

"Rarity, you're a total mess! Go clean up while I get us some drinks." the female pegasus said in her usual brash tone. As Rarity went to the little fillies room to do just that, the rainbow maned speedster turned to see Starlight Speedster, who didn't look too happy.

"Oh hey Rainbow Dash! Thanks for not turning up for work again! You do know we don't get paid for double shifts, right? I know that because I did one today, because you didn't turn up! Again!" Starlight said in a sarcastic tone, which helped him vent some of his anger. Alcohol would have to do the rest.

"Woah woah woah woah!" Rainbow Dash started "It's not my fault that Rarity asked Applejack out and got friendzoned! Unlike you Mr. IHaveNoFriendsOutsideOfHisJobAndJustBlendsIntoTheBackground!" she stated harshly, before the bartender came and calmed them down. Rainbow Dash put a hoof to her head "Sorry about not turning up to work again. It's just that I was the only one of Rarity's friends available when she got rejected, and I've had to deal with her melodrama all day. Rarity's a great friend, but she can get super annoying sometimes. Let me buy you a drink to apologize." Rainbow Dash explained before asking the bartender to get three Applejack Ciders.

Approximately 5 minutes later, Rarity returned from the ladies toilet having calmed down significantly from when she first entered, although her mane was ruffled and there was still some mascara near her eyes. After taking a seat next to Rainbow Dash and taking a drink from her mug of cider, she asked Starlight "I'm guessing you know what happened then, by the look on your face and the fact that there's three ciders here?"

Starlight simply nodded "I do, but Rainbow Dash paid for the ciders. Sucks to be you, eh? Being FriendZoned by Applejack like that." Starlight had regular conversations with Rainbow Dash while on weather patrol, so he knew the names of her friends at least. "I'm surprised that you haven't fallen for Spike yet, as he has a cru-"

Starlight got booted in the gut by Rainbow Dash before he could finish. "Ohkay, I think that's enough for one night. It's getting late and I've had a long day. G'night!" he blurted out before leaving quickly. His gut still ached so after leaving the vicinity of the bar, he trotted slowly towards his humble cottage.

As he approached his home, he was stopped by a hoof tapping on his flank. "Woah there buddy, if you wanna do that, you're gonna have to pay first!" Starlight said while turning around to see a hooded figure. He then regretted every life decision he had ever made.

The figure in question was wearing a robe that covered most of the body, although the body shape and size indicated that the pony was a mare. This mysterious mare didn't do well in hiding her cutiemark, which was simply three red apples. Fortunately for Starlight, he recognized the cutiemark as the one that adorned Applejack's Cider.

"Oh sweet Celestia the cider that I didn't drink has turned into a pony! DON'T KILL ME, I GOT KICKED IN THE GUT!" Starlight yelled in fear, causing the figure to facehoof.

"No you numpty, ah'm Applejack. The face of Applejack's Cider. It's in mah name for goodness sake!" Applejack said bluntly before taking off her hood, revealing her face and letting her golden mane flow freely. "And ah'm here to give ya a message. Well ah was, until ya got booted in the gut by Rainbow Dash." she said, snickering a bit.

"Wait a minute." Starlight started "The bar was fairly empty when I was there. How come I didn't notice you?" he asked with a questioning glance.

Applejack gave a shrug "Ah just blend into the background sometimes. So are ya gonna deliver the message or not?" she said while shuffling nervously.

"Oh Tartarus no! I am not going back to being a mailstallion! I had 5 injuries in my first week! Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, fallen off a cliff and crushed by a piano at the same damned time? Because it freakin' HURTS!" Starlight said while panicking.

Applejack put a reassuring hoof on Starlight's shoulder, which calmed the panicked pegasus "It'll be alright sugarcube. It's just a simple letter. Nothin' bad will happen to ya." she said in a comforting tone.

Starlight gave a confident look. "I'm ready. Hand me the letter." he said in a manly tone for no reason.

Applejack handed Starlight the letter, which had the words "To Rarity", then was nearly blown away by Starlight's rocket-like takeoff. After standing there for a few moments, she pulled her hood back on and trotted away whilst mumbling "Celestia speed."

After diving headfirst into one of The Dead Horse's windows, Starlight Speedster limped up to Rarity and handed her the letter before collapsing saying "You've got mail... I think I'll need a cider to numb the pain." while everypony just ignored him.

After using her magic to open and unfold the letter, Rarity read the letter and facehooved. "I can't believe I did that again!" before trotting out of the bar and dropping the letter.

Rainbow Dash picked up the letter and read it aloud:

Rarity

You left Sweetie Belle at the farm again.

Applejack

The entire bar fell silent as Starlight groaned and said "I broke my spine for THAT?"