Equestrium: Agency

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Human, Romance
Length: 4030

The CIA sends several agents all across Equestria and its neighboring countries. The agents are then exposed to all the wonders of Equestria and its magical land. Some defect, some go mad, some adapt. These are their stories.

After first contact was made with Canada and Equestria everything went fine. A standing link between Earth and Equus, trade run through a doorway, an easily controlled border, but for the US it wasn't enough. Soon after contact the CIA sends several agents to Equestria, some transformed into ponies, griffons, zebras, whatever helped them melt into society and steal Equestrian secrets.

But exposure to the magical land soon has some odd effects on the agents.

These are those agents stories.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-02 15:10:01 UTC

Agent Red: Hike

"So where do you want to go next?" I hoisted her up in my backpack, the limbless pony refusing to stay stuffed in.

Clover wiggled around until she was facing forward, her chin set against my shoulder. "I don't know, I don't even know where we are!" She looked up at the distant pine trees. "I hear water."

I nodded. "I think there's a stream around here." I started off down the grassy path once again, the road old and half overgrown, the stepping stones covered in moss or dirt, now uncovered as my boots tore into the earth. "Yeah, there's a bridge." I kept on, the smell of clean cold air coming down from the distant mountains send a chill up my spine. "Valley is beautiful, isn't it?"

Clover nodded, ear flicking against my head as she bobbed. "Still don't know where we are, but yeah."

I smiled, my beard rustling loudly. "I think we're outside Trottingham. Somewhere in the valley between Canterlot and Vanhoover if not in the woods." I walked over and onto the old stone bridge. "Weird, isn't it?"

Clover leaned over, her white coat soft against my bare cheek. "What?"

"No one's out here." I looked towards the west. The massive plains leading to the edge of the autumn woods was clear save for a few birds. "I guess maybe everyone's already getting ready for winter." I shrugged, letting Clover sink deeper into my backpack. "Smells like aspen trees."

Clover sniffed the air, donning an ugly look as she wrinkled up her nose and stuck her tongue out. "Tree smell, no... pollen smell."

I started off towards the treeline. "Smells good right?" I heard a loud crunch behind me. "Oh...great." I swept my hand down my jacket to my belt. My thumb sat on my gun as I walked.

Clover shook her head. "Smells like crap, stuffy crap."

I shook my head. "It's nature."

"It's crap." Clover sank down and rested her chin on my shoulder. "Coulda stayed in Canterlot, mountain air is a lot nicer."

I shook my head. "Oh come on, this is worse than the hospital?" I wrapped my entire hand around my gun as the crunching grew closer. "There's no--"

I felt something press against my lower back, up and under Clover. "Hands up, no sudden moves."

I let out a long sigh and raised my hands. Clover let out a small gasp as she turned around. "Red!"

"I know sweetie, you're okay." I felt my pistol pull away from my side. "You're fine, he's not here for you."

A loud grunt came from behind me. "Red, hi."

I licked my lips. "Nick, how are you?" I slowly turned around, a soft jade unicorn was standing behind me, gun drawn and sitting heavily in his magic. "You look...different."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Yeah, so do you. No more suit?"

I grumbled angrily and dropped my hands. "Nope, hiking suits me better anyways."

Clover nuzzled my cheek. "Red...what's going on?"

I sighed loudly. "That all depends on Nick here. Seems like he's already pretty set on how this is going to happen though." I waggled my hand towards his gun. "Something about ponies with guns feels really off."

Nick shook his head and holstered his pistol. "There, better?"

I nodded. "Very. Now, you here to kill me or what?"

Nick shrugged and let his head slump to the side. "Orders were find and contain, you seem pretty contained right now."

I shrugged. "Not really about to run with her in my pack." I leaned against Clover, getting a deep nuzzle back. "So, you got me."

Nick nodded gently. "So, what happens next? You going to come peacefully?"

I shook my head. "I'm not going back." I reached up and pet Clover's head, her mane soft. "I've done everything they asked, if they really want me to keep quiet, then you're gonna do what you have to. But I'm not going anywhere with you."

Clover leaned over. "Yeah! Nerd!"

I shook my head. "Clover stop...."

"Sorry." She laid down across my shoulder. "He still has a gun you know...."

Nick frowned and looked at his side. "Yeah, and it looks like I'm going to have to use it." He looked up at me, a few sparks falling off his horn. "You know I could let you drop her off somewhere safe if you came with me."

I nodded. "I also know you're not going to leave her out here on her own."

Nick leaned to the side, peeking around at my side. "She doesn't have any legs...does she?"

Clover puffed her cheeks out. "I could still kick your ass."

"Clover...stop it." I undid my pack and set her down. "She doesn't. I was taking her around Equestria before she went in for treatment."

Nick clenched his jaw. "Prosthetic?"

I nodded. "Four new legs waiting in a season or so."

Clover fell onto her side. "Red...what's gonna happen? This is getting weird."

I took a deep breath and walked up to Nick. "This is what you're--" He drew his gun and pointed it straight at my chest as I dug into my pocket. "You have my gun...." I fished my wallet out and tossed it against his neck. "Dumb ass."

He slowly put his gun away, sparks shooting down from his horn as he picked up my wallet. "They want you, not your badge. They're putting you on the board for treason."

I shrugged. "I told them I was quitting. I sighed all their nondisclosure papers and turned my badge over three months ago. What else do they want?"

Nick shook his head and folded my wallet back up. "The gun was probably a start."

I nodded. "Bears out here, Equestrian or not, a bear is a bear."

Nick looked off towards the woods. "Bears and murderers."

"Screw you!" Clover wiggled around after Nick. "He's not a murd--"

Nick stepped back away from the wiggle-worm pony. "I was talking about me."

Clover stopped half way between me and Nick. "Oh.... Murderer! Murder pony!"

Nick grunted and slapped his pistol into his holster. "Yeah I guess I am--" A single shot rang out. I dropped to the ground. Clover screamed at the top of her lungs.

Agent Hannik: Arrival

I rubbed my nose. I rubbed my nose again. "This place smells gamey." I rubbed my nose a third time. "Jesus, horse smell is thick."

The border guard stared at me, chewing a toothpick. "Uh huh.... Well, you're signed through, welcome to 'Questria."

I started to walk out. "Cool th-- 'Questria?" I spun around on my heel. "Really?"

The guard shrugged, his toothpick swinging from one side of his mouth to the other. "Yeah, 'Quest-tria"

I ground my teeth gently. "You're joking, right?"

He shook his head quickly, a smarmy frown on his face. "No, I live in 'Questria."

"Oh fuck off." I walked out of the room and into a large office. "'Questria." I rubbed my face, feeling slightly flustered from the obvious attempt to get under my skin. Sadly though it had worked. "Idiot...Equestria." I shook my body out and walked through the offices towards the front room.

The smell of vanilla drifted gently past as my shoes slid over the rough office carpeting. I didn't feel right in flat bottom shoes, but a pair of boots was waiting for me after we all got our assignments. I hurried after my fellow agents. Equestria awaited, and all that stood between us and it was a thin glass door with a pony sitting waiting to open the door for us.

"Hey John." Nick and Red walked over. "What's up?" Nick extended his hand.

I met his and gave it a firm shake. "Ponies and a man with a speech impediment." I flexed my fingers and started walking towards the door. "Red, hello."

Red nodded, his clean shaven face still a bit red. His name really did suit him. "Hannik, you excited?"

I grunted and started off towards the outside world. "Seems like an easy assignment, so sure."

Red shrugged. "I don't know, I did like Germany."

I shook my head. "I mean the chances of being held prisoner and tortured seem--" I stopped and nodded as we passed the pony at the door. "Thank you."

She smiled and nodded. "Welcome to Equestria."

I hurried after the other agents already walking down the street. We were under some cover as a business venture trying to gain a foothold. A few contracts were fronted and our alibi as Hellas employees felt solid enough. "Less chance of painful death I mean. Hooves and all."

Red nodded. "Could ask Drew, he's been sending letters back and forth with some pony since the door opened up." He looked towards the crowd. "Drew, what's the name of that pony you been talking to?"

Drew leaned back. "Caramel!"

Red nodded. "He knows you're a m--"

"Yes!" Drew shook his head.

My eyes were drawn down to his ass for a moment. "...He's not going to--"

"Oh probably." Red laughed softly. "Did you read those letters? They got a little dirty."

I shook my head. "Can't say I did." I rubbed my hands together, the clattering of our shoes loud against the icy stone walkway. A few carts took off down the streets, ponies both pulling and being pulled. "Horse drawn wagon with horses in them.... This place is already weird."

Red shrugged. "Aren't you--"

"Yes...Nevada is weird too, but there it's just hookers and rednecks. This is a different breed of weird." I rubbed my arms, my shirt far too small. "Agency should have told us it was in the mountains."

Red shrugged. "Door was in Newfoundland...I assumed it would be just as cold here as there." He adjusted his coat, thick and wooly. "Seems like it's your fault."

I felt something brush my hip. "Yeah we-fuh-kuh--" I hopped forward as a pony spun around. "Crotch height!" I dusted off my leg. "Oh Jesus..." I huffed loudly. "That scared the piss out of me." I rubbed my heart. "Christ."

Red laughed and watched the pony right herself and walk off. "About chest height, but whatever."

"She brushed my hip." I stretched my leg. "Felt weird."

Red slapped my chest with the back of his hand. "You're young, I'm sure you'll have to deal with a pony hitting on you eventually. You gonna get--"

"No." I shrugged. "That's whatever, just creepy not seeing them then suddenly feeling something brush your side. Like a shark."

Red took a hard left. I started patting my pockets. "Horse shark? Uh...your wallet okay?"

"Yeah." I rubbed my back. "I get phantom pains now." I opened my wallet and checked it through. "Paranoid as hell."

Red frowned. "Well, I think we're here."

I looked around, the buildings looked old, but above it all sat a huge castle. "I wonder if this is how Europeans feel. It's a little oppressive." I bit my tongue and followed Red into a generic Victorian age building. The air grew warmer as I walked up a set of stairs. they creaked under our collective weight. "Who was from New England? This is safe right?"

I hurried up leaving the line to filter into a long room with a screen hooked up at the far end. A pony with a bright white mane was tapping his hoof on the ground. "Great, everypony take a seat."

I frowned hard but found myself a seat. "Not a pony, but okay." I sank deep into a cheap metal folding chair. The room filled up as agents sat down and got ready for briefing. Two ponies in coats walked in as a follow up.

The pony with the white mane nodded a few times. "Everypony ready? Good." His horn lit up as a small ruler drifted over and smacked the white screen, now a map of Equestria. "I take it you're all familiar?" The room grumbled softly. We'd been training to come over for six months, all of us knew every territorial boundary between every state and nation in Equestria's planet. White mane nodded. "And these...." He pointed his ruler to a set of potions and a unicorn overseeing them. "Transformations will be administered as needed."

I shifted in my seat. The possibility was there, and I wasn't about to back out, but becoming a horse wasn't exactly on my bucket list. The white mane nodded again. "Then let's get started. O'Harra...." A man rose from his seat and walked over. He was handed a small packet and shown to the right, directly over to the pony. "Gressel...." A woman stood and charged over. She took her packet and was lead off to the left. "Hannik...."

I hopped up and hurried over. The walk was painfully long, a room full of armed murderers staring at my back felt like throwing myself to a pack of wolves. I stepped before the pony, a folder levitating gently in his magical grip. "Daring Do, AKA A K Yearling. Mouthful, I know. Information is in the dossier." He tugged my shirt to the left. "Transformation won't help much, she generally works alone, it's going to be up to you to change that."

I held the folder up. "I'll figure it out." I dipped out to the left. I flipped open my dossier, a few pictures of the yellow mare I was to make contact with. "So what am I...mhmm." I flipped through the notes. "I'm just tailing her...great." I looked over the fund they were giving me. "Great, well...." I snapped the folder shut. "Shit."

Red walked over, pulling me towards a few windows out into the snowy pony filled streets. "Equestrian Medical Studies. What you get?"

I shook my head. "Classified.... And by that I mean crap." I handed him my file.

Red flipped through my papers. "I have to admit, I kinda like the lax approach they're-- Oh man...that does suck."

I nabbed my file away and shrugged. "Yep. I have to follow around some bird horse, and in piss poor style too."

Red shrugged. "I think they're assuming you'll be moving a lot. You probably won't need a safe house, so there's a chunk right there."

I shrugged and looked over the pictures. "Huh...at least she's not terrible to look at.... I mean, if you're into horses."

Red popped his eyebrows. "I can see how she's be cute."

I shrugged. "I meant the color. These horses all look the same to me." I narrowed my eyes. "She's not.... Huh, I'll be damned." I turned to Red with a frown. "Twenty six."

Red nodded. "Impressive. Guess they start earlier."

I pinched the thick folder between my fingers. "Ya think?" I shook my head. "Well...I'm gonna go get reading, get this started."

Red nodded. "Sounds good. easy missions man, easy jobs."

I Nodded. "It's no Afghanistan, but hey, I'm not going to complain."

Red laughed loudly. "You weren't even there!"

"Nevada is close enough." I rubbed my pockets again. "Anyways, Daring Do awaits. Mustard mare, away." I walked slowly out of the room, drifting around the side to keep from getting in people's way. "...Away...." I hurried down the steps into the cold winter streets once again. "Great." I looked up towards the castle. "I'm sure they have a coffee place somewhere here." I took a deep breath and hurried off down the street.

I slowly collected a few watchers gawking at me from behind as I went about my way. I stopped down the street and turned to stare at them. "...What?"

The ponies just looked me up and down for a bit, saying nothing.

I rubbed my throat. "Hello?"

A tall mare coughed and looked off to the side. "Hi."

I looked around the small herd again. "...Can I help you?"

A stallion shook his green head. "No, just looking."

I frowned hard enough to notice. "Great.... So staring is--" A pair of white guards in gold armor flew down.

They stomped against the ground and broke up the thin layer of ice on the earth. "Sir, what are you doing?"

I held my hands up. "Walking."

The ponies looked me up and down. "Don't humans wear more clothes than that?"

I grumbled angrily. "The smart ones."

The guards looked at each other for a second, then one turned back to me. "So, you're a dumb one?"

I stared at them, my right eye half open. "I have a masters...."

One of the ponies in the herd laughed. "Then where's your collar." The entire group started laughing.

"Okay, funny. Shouldn't you be pulling a plow?" I turned back to the path. "These ponies are dicks." I could only hope it was a regional thing, or that they were just screwing with me because they'd not seen many humans. Either way, it didn't stop my arm from aching for a satisfying bitch slap.

Agent Red: Bloody

"It hurts!"

"Idiot."

"Yeah, idiot!" Clover rolled over towards me. "Shouldn't play with guns!"

I shook my head and pulled the bandages tight around Nick's foreleg. "Clover, not helping." I rolled him over, finding the bullet hole in the dirt. "Well, through and through, look at that."

Nick let out a sharp cry. "Jesus Christ!"

I nodded. "Well, ya fuckin' shot yourself. Did you not think it would hurt?" I pulled my jacket off and looked over at Clover. "Clover...what are you doing?"

She flopped onto her back and looked around. "Uh...nothing." She looked down at the ground and bit off a piece of a flower. "Eating."

I shook my head and held Nick's leg tight. "You're gonna get sick if you look."

Nick let out a loud cry. "Ooooh my god, I'm gonna die!"

I shook my head. "You're not gonna die. You're just stupid." I frowned hard. "I'm not a vet mind you."

Nick looked down at his leg. "Oh my god--oh my god!"

"You're a god damn CIA agent, act like it!" I slapped him and threw him down into the dirt. "God damn...he gets shot and suddenly tables have turned!" I shook my head. "Didn't even have to do it. How long have you been like this!? Two years, you still cant control your magic!?"

Nick blubbered loudly and dug his good legs into the dirt. "Shut the hell up--"

"You shut the hell up!" I looked back to Clover. "Clover, get me something to stop this bleeding?"

Clover nodded and started rolling towards my pack. "Alright, I'll be back."

"It's five feet sweetheart, it's not that far." I switched from a squat to a kneel. "Christ man, they gave you a gun...."

Nick's whimpering slowly petered out as Clover rolled over with a gauze pack in her mouth. "Man just shut up and help me."

I shook my head. "Should I? Seems better for me if I left your ass out here!"

Nick's eyes started to water as I cleaned him up. "Please don't--"

"I'm not going to! But I should." I tied his leg tight and sat back on my ass. "You're bleeding in the grass. Ruining my trip too."

Clover rolled over. "Yeah--"

I grabbed the sausage roll of a pony and sat her in my lap. "Sweetie, shut up." I kissed her crown. "The man was just shot, he doesn't need to be brutalized by a mare with no legs. That's laying it on too thick." I laughed softly. "Oh boy...you're a real idiot Nick."

Nick rolled onto his side, his coat a bit paler around the face. "God...I don't feel good."

I scooted back and grabbed my bag. "You did shoot yourself. Probably going to die out here." I tossed him a box of painkillers. "Eat up."

They bounced off his cheek with a loud rattle. "Ow...." He laid down fully and took a deep breath. "I miss hands so much...."

"Certainly less chance of accidental discharge as a human." I grabbed the box and tore out a few tablets. I slapped my hand against his mouth and watched as they traveled down his gullet. "Better?"

Nick sighed loudly, the wind blowing down from Canterlot cold. "I feel so co--"

"It's fall and we're in a cold air valley, calm down. You're still eighty percent blood." I rubbed Clover's head, the pony refusing to settle down. "Clover, stop."

"It's gross. All red and crap." She stuck her tongue out and looked up at me. "It's gross right?"

I sighed loudly. "Yep. Now, decision time Nick, you gonna take me and this little filly here into custody, or you gonna go to the hospital?" I looked down at Clover. "What you think?"

Clover smiled at me and nuzzled my chin. "He did do it to himself--"

"Why'd you quit?!" Nick jerked his head up to me, sparks falling from his horn. "You could have come back and everything would've been fine!"

I nodded. "I could have, met this little filly though." I rubbed Clover's side. "Seemed like a good reason to stay at the time."

Nick groaned loudly. "Great, so you're screwing a freaking amputee?!"

Clover coughed. "Um...yeah? Do something about it-- oh wait you can't, cause you fucking shot yourself!" Clover blew raspberries at Nick's bloody body. "Yeah!"

I rolled my eyes and set Clover down next to me. "She has a point, you did fuckin' shoot yourself."

Nick growled at me. "I noticed, asshole!"

I stood up and grabbed my backpack, the grass on the side of the path slightly damp. "So, what's the plan here Nick? I could take you to Trottingham, but I don't think the agency would be too happy."

Nick lowered his head against the grass. "I feel lightheaded...."

I plopped Clover down into my bag. "Um...Red, your friend might actually die out here."

I sighed loudly and stuffed my pony away. "Yeah...he might."

Nick stretched his legs. "Stop sighing and help me!"

The unicorn splayed before me somehow still got on my nerves, disregarding the red bandage on his leg and the puddle next to the path. "Sure, yell at the guy who can walk. Clover, how about you save him?"

Clover huffed. "Couldn't if I wanted to."

"Mare couldn't, even if she wanted to!" I nodded sharply. "So what's it gonna be Nick? Because somehow I don't think this whole agent business worked out for either of us."

Nick groaned loudly. "You know they'll come after us!"

I shook my head. "No, if they planned to really come after us, they'd send a hit man. They sent an agent already here, they're not that interested." I shook my head. "They'd send a man, with a rifle, not a pony with a bullet hole in him."

Nick groaned and scratched at the dirt. "They do care--"

I threw my hands up. "About Russia, yes. About Equestria, magic horse people land, already cooperating with Canada, not so much! Some how I don't think they're afraid of all the trade opportunities! Probably the exact opposite."

Nick whimpered softly. "You just don't get it--"

"You don't get it, Nick! You don't get it!" I grabbed him by the back legs and slung him over me knee. "Clover--"

"Yeah, yeah." She rolled out of the backpack. "I get shotgun."

I hurried back and stuffed the bleeding pony into my pack. "Great, pony blood on the snacks. God damn it Nick!" I made sure her was snugly fit and stuck my arms through the straps. "Now I gotta care the sausage by hand!"

"Sex pun!" Clover laughed loudly. "Seriously, you should stop calling me a sausage."

I let her roll into my hands and slowly pushed up off the ground. "I--would--but you fit the bill." I hoisted the pair of cripples up. "Alright...so Trottingham it is."

Nick groaned loudly, his horn jabbing the back of my skull. "Is it safe to sleep? Am I gonna die if I sleep?"

Clover nodded, shifting around in my cradled arms. "Totally gonna die."

"Clover stop. This is gonna be a long walk even without you being an ass."

Clover stuck her tongue out. "He did try to take you hostage."

I shook my head. "Long story Clover, really, really long story."