I'm honored to meet you but...
Author's Note
Well, here goes nothing. My first real attempt at writing... much of anything, actually. Now is the time to start learning from all of you smart readers out there.
I'm honored to meet you but...
As crazy as it sounds, I don’t consider meeting a fictional character to be a major turning point of my life. I know on an intellectual level that her presence has made a profound impact on our world but I always felt somewhat insulated from most of the effects she has had.
Philosophical conundrums? I don’t normally think about those. Maybe I’m just boring like that.
Religious connotations? I’m from a family that only goes to church once or twice each year.
Political confusion? Disembodied voices on a radio I can tune out as I drive to work
Motherfucking-Magic?!? Trippy as hell and potentially useful but it honestly seems like just another new technological marvel. Maybe I’ll start giving a hoot if it ever falls within my price range.
Toonies? …Okay, I admit it. That one GIF with the bald guy and the Jessica Rabbit pinup freaks me out every time. I think it freaks most people out. Even so, they aren’t hurting people any more than Furries ever have so I feel fine just ignoring their presence in much the same way.
If I’m being totally honest, though, the biggest change in my life has been… well… you.
Allow me to start from the top.
If I ever publish this record and it survives long enough for my name to become a rightfully obscure footnote in history, know that my name is Frank Hartford. About two years before writing this work, I met a fictional character out in my backyard. I was mentioned in a couple of news reports relating to said not-so-fictional character.
For the 1,256th time, allow me to publically reiterate that nothing happened.
There was no race to save our planet (or her own) from oblivion. There was no E.T.-style cover-up with shady government agencies. There was no wild adventure. There was no whirlwind romance.
I have talked with her but that’s just about it.
No matter how much I give that answer, however, nobody ever seems satisfied with the truth. While things have died down in recent months, I have fielded thousands of questions from friends, family, reporters, talkshow hosts, zealots, fans, conspiracy theorists, toonies, and more than a couple of potential stalkers.
So… yeah. The only real change in my life has been you. All of you who want more information but who don’t want the truth…
…All of you who spam my inbox insisting that I should’ve risked my life in some sort of needless quest and who send me death threats when I politely tell you to fuck off…
...Screw you, guy!
In any case, I am writing this up all because of you. I was planning on writing my memoires someday like my grandfather but I’m not so narcissistic as to believe that anyone would want to read about the rest of my life. Given the choice between writing this up and answering a few rote questions for every new person I meet in the next five years… well, the text you’re reading should give you a clue.
So, here it is. A full (or nearly full) record of everything that happened when my life amazingly failed to change in any gigantic way. A first contact bible, as it were. If something isn’t mentioned in here, there’s a pretty good chance that it didn’t fucking happen.
If I’m going to write this at all, however, I am going to tell this story properly. Unfortunately for the both of us, that means giving you a bit of context regarding myself instead of jumping right into the “good stuff” (if you really want to call it that).
When everything went down, I was still living at my father’s house in the Southern United States. Given the stress he has been through these past couple of years, this is as precise as I am willing to be. If you really must find me, I am living in Nevada for the foreseeable future.
Anyhow, I was back from college for the summer and was working a summer internship for a local speech therapist. My father was program administrator at the local hospital. My sister, a history teacher five years my senior, had recently found employment in town and was living back home while she looked for a good apartment.
Because our dad worked a rather late shift, my sister and I had the run of the house every evening. While that meant we were forced to for forage for our own suppers, the arrangement had a number of definite advantages. For one thing, it allowed me to indulge in one of my favorite television shows without worry of being caught.
Yup, you guessed it. Whether or not other fans view me as “worthy” of the “honor” I experienced, the fact is that I was one of the adult fans of My Little Pony back then. Inside and out, I was a genuine “brony” with everything that entails.
In fact, I was a more stereotypical brony than I would care to admit in most circumstances. I was a single and slightly chubby 22 year old man who suffered from mild Aspergers Syndrome. I was drawn to the show by curiosity like many and… I liked it. I liked the characters, the stories, the community, and… eventually… many works of light-hearted fanfiction.
My sister knew of (and frequently laughed at) my interest in pastel ponies. My father, a man with… traditional… ideas of gender norms, hadn’t been let into the loop.
Fittingly, I was watching an episode of the show on my laptop when everything finally went down. It’s been a while since I watched the show but I think it was the episode with that duel and the rhyming zebra, Zecora. Right as the first duel in the show came to an end, our back yard exploded.
Well… kind of.
How can something kind of explode, you may ask? That’s a very good question. As it so happened, my room was right next to the yard, giving me a limited view into the back through an old, frosted window. Through that window, I witnessed just enough to feel as confused as you.
Was there a flash of white light? The spots before my eyes pointed to yes.
Did I hear an earth-shattering kaboom? Marvin the Martian would be proud.
Could I feel a wave of heat pass through the room? No special quips for that one… but I could.
On the other hand… that was all that there was. I could see no cloud of smoke and neither could I hear nor see any signs of actual destruction. The explosion was louder than most firecrackers but the flash didn’t seem as bright as an average flashbang (a fact I know from another stupid story of youth, a story I’d rather reserve for friends). Looking out through the frosted window, I couldn’t figure out precisely what had happened.
Reasonably concerned about the possible explosion, I slammed my laptop shut and grabbed my cell phone before heading into the hallway and looking out the back door. My sister, whose room was right across the hall, apparently slept through the explosion. Even though I’ve known her to sleep with noise-canceling headphones, I was somewhat impressed. I was impressed until I saw what was outside, in any case. After that… my mind kind of froze.
The back yard was never too interesting of a place. A quarter of the space was occupied by an ancient garage, a structure that had long since become a warehouse for useless knickknacks and camping supplies. A concrete “driveway” reached from the garage to our wooden gate. The rest of the yard was a broad circle of greenery surrounding an ancient oak tree. All of that, thankfully was wrapped with a tall wooden fence. Of course, I wasn’t looking at any of that.
No, my attention was firmly focused on the lavender quadruped resting by the base of the tree.
As I’ve mentioned above, I have read a good deal of fanfiction relating to technicolor equines. Of them, quite a few have either sent humans to the world of ponies or have sent ponies to earth. While I had never seriously considered it to be possible, I have read dozens of stories along those lines.
Why do I mention this, you ask? Well, there are actually two reason that I bring up these stories, though I mention them now because I think that they helped me pull myself together.
Have you ever had that friend who thinks they should be a lawyer because they watch CSI or who thinks they’re a “love expert” because they read trashy romance novellas? I somehow resisted the urge to collapse into a whimpering wreck and I think something similar was at play. Even if all of my “insights” from stories meant nothing, they still gave me some sort of frame of reference that I could use while I figured things out.
First matter of business? Check to see if I was seeing things.
Close Eyes. Count to ten. Look.
No change in situation.
Look away. Slap self. Check.
It’s a pony, captain.
Throw shoe at sister. Dodge revenge shoe. Get second person to confirm.
Pony is present.
The two of us were standing in the back door in silence, trying to figure out what our next step was looking like. I was, in any case. My sister, now fully awake, was alternating between bouts of hyperventilation and whispered streams of “mygodmygodmygod”.
Huh… Am I a bad person for enjoying her breakdown… you know, after all the teasing she put me through? Wait, why am I asking you? Most of you already think I’m a bad person, right?
Back to the topic on hand, I was in a better mental state than my sister but… really, I had no clue what to do. I knew that something was out there but I couldn’t be sure that it was the pony that I thought her to be. Even if it didn’t explain the explosion, it could have been a hoax or detailed plush toy or something. Even if it… if she… was real, I couldn’t be sure that she wasn’t some disguised changeling or that the show I watched was anywhere near accurate.
While I’d like to paint myself as a perfectly logical being, I won’t lie to you. I was freaking out a bit as my mind raced between ever more unlikely theories. By the time a voice from outside tore me back into the real world, I was honestly wondering if the show had been designed to make bronies pliable to the commands of our new equine overlords.
“Is everything alright over there?” shouted a gruff voice from the neighboring yard, “Sounded like something exploded.”
That was the voice of our next door neighbor, a boisterous carpenter who we… it sounds a bit silly when I put it on paper but my family had a bit of a grudge against his. His family lived in the biggest house on the block, drove around in a giant jeep that blocked off half of the road, had a habit of assuming that the entire neighborhood would drop everything to come to a barbecue or pool party at the drop of a hat, and never picked up after their gigantic St. Bernard.
Did I mention that he was a carpenter? As it turned out, he’d won the lottery a few years earlier. I’ll never forget it because our neighbors made sure we never forgot it. I’ve always thought that it’s weird to brag that you’ve gained a fortune that you did nothing to deserve and that you’d never be able to acquire through your own merits but maybe that’s just me.
To be fair, they were perfectly good and honest folk. They were generous as well and behaved well enough when you spoke to them directly. Our grudge was born from all of the niggling little things; traffic obstruction and noise late at night and dog droppings and that goddamn gazebo and…
Wait, what? I didn’t mention the goddamn gazebo?
Well, being a carpenter, our neighbor (I’ll just call him Dingbat) made a number of additions to his home and yard. One of these was a large wooden gazebo in the back of his yard. It was well-crafted and had been used for several weddings in the area and was too fucking tall.
Seriously, anyone standing in the gazebo can look right over our fence and see everything in our backyard. I can still remember when Dingbat’s family was up there bird-watching the one time my dad thought to smoke on the back porch in his underwear. I don’t know how this led Dingbat to assume that my parents are animals in the bedroom (Euuugh!) but bringing it up in front of my mother marked the official start of our one-way feud.
The moral of the story, folks? Good fences build good neighbors. Bad neighbors construct monstrous edifices from which good fences can be ignored, letting their entire family peer… right into… your recently occupied… yard
.
Oh. Crap.
While I still didn’t know how I was going to handle things, I was quite certain that I didn’t want Dingbat adding to the confusion. If I had any chance of keeping things under wraps for a bit, it rested in quick and decisive action. Throwing open the back door, I improvised a lie as quickly as I could.
“Sorry about that,” I called out, trying to keep my voice casual, “A friend brought a couple of firecrackers into my backyard and decided to act like an idiot.”
A moment of uncertain silence filled the air in the wake of that half-hearted excuse.
“They were home-made,” I offered as further explanation. Even if the boom didn’t sound like most firecrackers, who could say how badly a person could mess up when making their own?
That recovery, thank god, got the desired response. I could all but hear the pained suction of air through my neighbor’s teeth. The sound came from the middle of Dingbat’s yard, showing that he was already moving towards his stupid gazebo.
“Is he okay?” came Dingbat’s rough voice, tinged with a bit of concern.
“She’ll be just fine,” I corrected. ‘I hope.’
Another moment of tense silence followed as I prayed that Dingbat wouldn’t bother checking for himself. “Okay, then,” came the voice, apparently satisfied with my explanation, “Just be sure to keep it down, then. Wouldn’t want someone calling the cops on you, right?”
I didn’t bother responding. It was a pretty empty threat and the both of us knew it. The folks in that neighborhood minded their own business, even when it meant watching the house next door being robbed in broad daylight. The odds of any noise, even a threatening one, getting a response from the cops was remote at best. I just waited silently until my neighbor huffed and slammed his back door… a slam that made the world a hundred times more complicated.
Because the universe hated me, that slamming door was apparently the signal that the alicorn in my yard needed to start waking up. While that certainly answered a number of question and addressed a few unstated concerns, I was going to have a lucid princess in my backyard in under 30 seconds. I was still a bit low on ideas, though that has never stopped me from acting.
Turning to my sister, I sighed and informed her, “I’m going out to speak with her.”
While I give her a lot of grief, let it not be stated that my big sis doesn’t have her priorities straight. The moment she heard that her brother was heading out to meet the fictional alien, she snapped out of her breakdown and slammed our own door shut.
“No way I’m letting you head out there alone,” spoke my sister, using the glare she reserved for her troublesome third-graders.
Placing my hands on the doorhandle, I did my best to think things out for a moment or two, “If she wakes up and we ignore her, she’ll wander off and more people will see her. I don’t know about you but I’d rather prevent mass panic on the streets.”
While I’m not sure how much people would actually freak out if they saw a magical purple horse flying around, it had at least sounded convincing enough to make her back down for a moment or two.
“I’m going with you, then,” she insisted as I opened the door once more.
“If we’re doing this safely,” I countered, “anyone going out there will probably need to go into quarantine for a while. If you want to miss work and join me in the plastic bubble, feel free. I for one would feel a bit safer if you watched with a phone from afar, however. If something goes wrong, I doubt I’d have time to call for backup.”
That, for the record, was totally pulled right out of my ass, drawing upon more realistic fanfics and works of science fiction. While it sounded reasonable enough, I wasn’t really concerned with the risks of contamination.
Rather, I was simply pursuing a longstanding dream. When I said that day didn’t have much of an impact on my life, I meant it. It didn’t change my life much more than getting an autograph from your favorite sports player or author or actor would change yours.
At the time, though, I had no way of knowing that. I was in an entirely unexpected situation, completely out of my depths and filled with awe and terror. I didn’t really know what to do so I just followed the first selfish notion that popped into my head. I was going to talk to her. Alone. If I had my way, I would have a private conversation with none other than-
“Hello,” called a curious voice, thankfully in English, from the yard, “can anypony hear me?”
Giving my sister one final gaze of resolve, I walked out onto the back porch. Keeping a safe distance away, I felt my mouth go dry as gasped a couple of words.
“Are you okay?”
Turning to face me, the pony recoiled for a moment or two before recovering with a forced smile, “I am doing pretty well, all things considered. If you don’t mind me asking, however, what precisely are you?”
So far, so good. She hadn’t responded violently. She seemed to be “in character”. She even sounded like her voice actor, weird though that may sound. Best of all, however, she didn’t know what I was. If it sounds odd that not recognizing humans would make me happy… it’s a fandom thing.
“I am a human being,” I stated, wearing a smile of triumph.
“Oh!” she responded, her wide eyes filling with unwanted recognition, “Sorry for not realizing sooner. You look a bit different from the ones I saw before. The dimensions of your eyes seem greatly reduced and… Hey, does that mean we’re near Canterlot High?”
I could only mutely shake my head in response. If it even needs to be said, my triumphant smile was now a distant memory. I’m sure that some of my disappointment was clearly visible on my face, however, as she quickly resumed speaking.
“I’m so sorry. You told me what you are but I haven’t done the same…”
I could almost see the little gears grind to a halt in her mind as realization struck. Her speech cut off, her body froze, and her pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks.
“Because I should be a human as well…”
To put things simply, she spent the next thirty seconds having a bit of a breakdown. It was most certainly one of HER breakdowns, however. Frantic pacing… talking to herself… attempts at breathing exercises… the full nine yards. It may sound odd to an outsider but to all of you fans out there… it was about as adorkable as you’d expect.
I’m sorry if it sounds a bit vague but… well… there are some memories that I’d like to keep for myself, you know? Besides, I wouldn’t want to embarrass our esteemed guest from afar… too badly. All that you really need to know was that I waited far too long to interject just so I could watch her freak out a little.
Yeah… I still feel like shit about that. Apology or no, I probably deserve some of the hate-mail comes my way after publishing all of this.
“Try to calm down,” I finally added as she tried to take a deep, cleansing breath. If nothing else, clinical practice with children has given me plenty of practice with my ‘calm reassurance voice’. “If looking funny was going to make me flip out, I think I would have done so already.”
I don’t honestly know if it was my words or that final deep breath but the mare seemed to calm down after that. A bit, anyway.
“I guess so,” she responded, rubbing one hoof behind her head and blushing through her fur. No, seriously, she blushes right through her fur. Go look up some of her gaffes on YouTube if you don’t believe me. I don’t think it’s been explained so far but… wow am I getting off-topic.
In any case, she finally remembered where she left off after a moment or two of awkward silence, “My name is Twilight Sparkle and I am a pony. More specifically, I am an… huh, can alicorns even be qualified as a subspecies? I guess we could technically have children but if there aren’t any male alicorns out there and two alicorns can’t have an alicorn child…”
I gave a small polite cough, calling Twilight’s attention back to the world around her.
“Right, sorry,” another adorable blush, “could you please help me figure out where I am?”
Again, when I said earlier that meeting Twilight Sparkle wasn’t some huge turning point in my life, I really meant it. Life moves onwards, my fifteen minutes of “fame” are long over, and I still work as a humble speech therapist. With all of that said, I think that simple question was followed by the most significant pause in my life.
If I really wanted a large-scale adventure against all odds, something a surprising number of people think I should have gone for, that was the moment I could have started moving towards such an end. If you listen to some people, that’s the point where I should have donned a tinfoil hat, locked her in my house, and started an angry rant about my government with buzzwords like ‘war’ and ‘vivisection’.
That is obviously not what ended up happening. Instead, two things really occurred to me in those five seconds of silence, two revelations running through my veins with one right after the other.
First, I realized that I was actually talking to Twilight Sparkle. Not just some character in a television show or story but a genuine pony with real feelings that could be hurt and real fears that could get the better of her. Even as the “Princess of Friendship”, it sank into my thick skull that she was under no obligation to be friendly if I didn’t return the favor.
That realization was thoroughly humbling, both because I’ve always had problems with making new friends and because I… well…
Okay, confession time. When I say that I was a average brony… let’s just say that sometimes includes a less-than-healthy sense of schadenfreude where ponies were concerned. I’m not saying that I revel in the dark and gory stuff that the fandom has put out there, mind you.
Instead… well, let me put it like this. My favorite episodes of My Little Pony have always been the ones where the ponies go a bit crazy (Lesson Zero, Party of One, Applebucking Season, etc). Futher, the second reason that I brought up stories where humans and ponies meet is that I’ve always loved reading about ponies forced to mentally confront issues like war, oppression, civil predation, the unreality of their own TV show, and so forth.
That’s not to say that I’m some horrible mastermind who enjoys mental anguish, either. I was the boy watching Sailor Moon (shut up!) who hoped every episode that the villains would wise up and finally attack the characters during their transformation sequences. Hell, I was the kid who dreamed of giving the Trix rabbit a flashbang just so he could finally get his yoghurt-slash-cereal.
I’ve just always enjoyed the idea shaking things up to see what would happen, whether that happened to mean helping or hurting others. I think that psychologists are calling it a Discord complex. If not, they probably should.
Even right then, dealing with an actual pony of flesh and bone and hopes and concerns, I'm ashamed to admit that some part of me was tempted to respond with something snarky and mildly alarming like, ‘Welcome to Earth, the Everfree Planet’.
Instead, I bit down on the snark as I took a deep breath, “You are on my family’s property, Ms. Sparkle. I deeply apologize but if you could go home, it would probably be for the best.”
Twilight frowned slightly in concern, drooping her head a couple of inches while her ears flattened back against her head, “But you said that we’re not near Canterlot High. The only portal home is right out in front of it. If I can’t get there, how am I supposed to get home?”
There was another lengthy silence. It wasn’t a pleasant silence or an awkward silence or even a tense silence, however. Instead, it was one of those “Tell-me-you’re-not-serious” silences you have when a friend says something mind-bogglingly stupid.
Raising one eyebrow, I slowly tapped at my forehead with my right index finger.
Mimicking my expression, Twilight attempted to imitate the gesture, only for her hoof to bump into her small horn. Eyes widened. Blush number three formed. A sheepish smile was shot in my direction. An audible ‘squee’ may or may not have resulted.
“Oh, right,” Twilight responded, giving an awkward laugh, “Forgot that I’m still an Alicorn”
I was smiling in spite of myself, though I managed to keep myself on focus, “Don’t worry about it, Ms. Sparkle. Do you think you’ll be able to get home?”
Twilight’s face grew serious as she seriously pondered the question, “Maybe?” came her eventual answer, “I’m pretty good at teleportation but I’ve never tried travelling across worlds. It sounds tricky but if I use my horn as an anchor and account for dimensional cross-flow-“
It was about at that point that Twilight’s voice died down into soft mumbles and calculations as she paced back and forth across the back yard.
Using the lull in the conversation to look back at the house, I caught sight of my sister with a phone in one hand (no doubt ready to call paramedics) and her jaw practically on the floor. I gave her a single thumbs up and a smile before turning back to the mumbling alicorn.
“Ms. Sparkle?”
Looking up from her contemplation, Twilight Sparkle gave a broad and confident smile, “I’m going to try teleporting home. I apologize again for showing up so suddenly.”
“Don’t Worry, Ms. Sparkle,” I reassured her as her horn was surrounded in a lavender aura, “It was a pleasure to meet you.”
‘Poof’
Twilight vanished beneath a quick puff of smoke, concealing the spot she had stood just moments before. When the dust cleared, the alicorn was nowhere to be seen.
Satisfied with a job adequately done, I turned back to the house with every intention of locking myself in my room, taking a few sick days, and praying to god that my quick exposure didn’t somehow give me “Magic Spanish Flu” or something like that.
I only took a few steps however, before I noticed that my sister was still freaking out. For a moment or two, I thought that she was simply responding to the small display of magic. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the case.
She was pointing at something behind me… behind me and above me.
“Well, that didn’t go as planned.”
I almost groaned at the sound of Twilight’s voice, masking it in a long sigh as I turned around and craned my neck upwards to look where my sister was pointed
Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic and Princess of Friendship, was sprawled on her back in a tree. Her weight was spread across a few branches high up in the oak tree as her head hung down and her wings flapped helplessly against the branches in an attempt to right herself. It really would have been five kinds of hilarious… at least if she wasn’t far above the fence, in easy line of sight if any neighbors came out and chose to look up.
As I feared drawing attention to her and didn’t trust my voice to sound calm, I just gave my best smile and waved up to her until I caught her notice before giving the universal sign for ‘flip over’ with one hand. As for what happened next…
“Okay,” Nod. Rustle. Snap. Whoosh. Poomf. Flap. Clip-clop. “There we go.”
“Are you okay?” I asked, rushing over to verify her answer with my own two eyes.
“Well, I don’t think I hurt anything,” came Twilight’s response as she quickly looked herself over, “but it seems that the spell was a little more difficult than I expected. Or maybe…”
Twilight rubbed one hoof under her muzzle as her horn glowed once more. This time, however, she didn’t vanish with a poof of smoke. Instead, similar auras surrounded small stones from across our yard, rising up into the air and floating in a large orbit around the two of us.
As I said earlier, magic is trippy as hell. Even if you can’t buy any magical gear for yourself, it’s the sort of thing you should probably try to see up close at least once. Even though I knew who Twilight Sparkle was, some part of me kept focusing in on the rocks as if I was expecting to see small wires.
Magic, man. Motherfucking magic.
The rocks dropped down to the floor just before I could work up the nerve to reach out and grab one, leaving me with a thoroughly confused alicorn princess. “Well, my magic seems to be working just fine. That means the problem has to be with the spell I attempted. I think that I might have tapped the wrong leyline… unless this world doesn’t obey Crystal Shard’s Third Law of…”
Thankfully, mercifully, my sister chose that very moment to knock at the back door, momentarily distracting the both of us.
“Do you mind if I talk to my sister for a moment?” I asked, fully intending to leave either way but not wanting to look impolite.
Twilight simply shook her head, already absorbed back into her mumbled thoughts of “magic-science” that probably go right over my head.
Jogging back to the front door, I found my sister waiting for me with an uncertain expression.
“So?” she asked, acting as if that single word was able to ask all of her real questions.
“She’s real. She’s nice. She seems to be having some problems heading home.”
“So… what now, Mr. Quarantine?”
“I have a rough plan,” I admitted with a sigh, “but it is going to suuuu-AHH!”
A sharp tug on the back of my shirt caught me off-guard, making me jump in place. Turning around, I could see Twilight standing on the porch right behind me, sitting on her haunches and giving an embarrassed smile.
“Did you figure your spell out?” I asked.
“Actually…” Twilight began, fidgeting with her front hooves, “It looks like a couple of constants in this world have been slightly shifted from what I’m familiar with. I’ve managed to figure out some of the values but some of the math is a bit too advanced to do in my head. I might need a bit of time to figure everything out.”
“Oh, okay… we can work with this…” I began, allowing myself to engage in a bout of wishful thinking, “…I’m pretty sure that we can keep you hidden for at least a few more hours until my father gets home.”
The pained wince that Twilight gave me killed my dreams of a simple resolution long before the words that followed, “I might need a couple of months…”
“Oh,” came a reply from both my sister and I, spoken almost in unison.
After a couple of seconds, Twilight sparkle looked down and scuffed one hoof across the wooden porch, continuing on, “I know that the two of you don’t want me around here but if you know somepony who might be willing to take a houseguest…”
Yeah, she really said that. Twilight Sparkle outright asked me if I knew any place where she could stay for a while.
If I wanted… if I really wanted, I could have apologized for my earlier rudeness and offered her my home right there. I could already picture it: Conspiring with my sister to hide her from dad… Teaching her about the internet… Helping her escape from the authorities that inevitably discover her… maybe even get dragged back to Equestria with her to avoid the heat. Sometimes, I allow myself to wonder, to seriously wonder, how my life would be different if I had taken on that adventure. Alas, I already knew what I had to do.
“Don’t worry, Ms. Sparkle,” I started, wearing what I hoped to be a confident smile, “I have a plan to get you the assistance you require. It’s going to take a bit of doing, however, and I need you to trust that I’m on your side in spite of all that I’m going to say.”
After a moment of hesitation, Twilight gave a firm nod and I took out my cell phone.
As I said earlier, I arrived at two realizations when Twilight first asked where she was. The first was that Twilight was a genuine “person” who deserved to be treated as such. The second, put simply, was that my actions could have some serious repercussions.
Even since that off-the-cuff remark about being put into quarantine, some part of me started wondering what the government would realistically want me to do in this sort of situation. Even if it didn’t shake up my life too badly, I do acknowledge that what I went through was a first contact situation… which is kind of a big deal. Considering that the extraterrestrial in question was royalty, I realized that saying or doing the wrong thing could get me into a lot of trouble.
Now, I doubt that there were any real protocols or government agencies for this purpose. Even so, I knew that they could easily hire on experts in any field required and that they’d have no problem using me as a scapegoat for anything that went wrong before I got them involved. Beyond physical and mental harm, I was honestly concerned that even bringing up touchy subjects like religion or war might get me in trouble for denying the government complete control in how the subject was introduced.
Of course, that’s not even considering any of the actual crimes that I might be accused of. Considering the high status of the visitor and the incredibly valuable information that she holds (like, you know, MAGIC), I could probably be tried for anything from harboring an illegal alien (heh), to abduction to outright treason.
Dialing the number and pressing the phone to my ear, I didn’t have to wait long for a response,
“I need the police,” came my simple response. As I was transferred, I glanced over at Twilight and didn’t note any change in her hopeful expression. Either she really did trust me… or there were only guards back in Equestria.
Up until this point in my story, I had been very careful with my words and actions. I had revealed as little about the world, myself, and her show as possible (even keeping myself to calling her Ms. Sparkle so I wouldn’t call her by her royal title on accident)…
…says the person who indicated that Twilight may be able to teleport back home. How on Earth have I never noticed that fuck-up before?
Further, I had gently encouraged her to return back home, figuring that the whole thing could be swept under the rug if it could be fixed with a few minutes of troubleshooting. I even told myself that I was promoting some sort of ‘Prime Directive’ shit (or at least that I was protecting her world from the atom bomb and reality television and our world from catastrophic market crashes relating to precious stones and metals).
Then, her attempt failed and she almost hurt herself falling out of a tree. While she ended up all right, I realized that I could have ended up in a giant heap of trouble… and that I really couldn’t keep this going for much longer.
“Yeah,” came my voice, deep and abrasive in my throat, After years of practicing a gentle voice, it felt wrong pretending to be annoyed, “I’d like to report a trespasser in my backyard. I’ve asked her to leave but she doesn’t seem to get it.”
I know that I’m kind of an asshole for bringing up trespassers at all after referring to Twilight as one. Yes, I can think of a dozen other things I could have reported (like vandalism or theft) now that I’ve had a chance to think things over. In the moment, however, trespassing was already in my head and it seemed like the perfect crime for getting a cop with low expectations of facing real resistance and… even with my warning, there was no way that Twilight was going to miss that.
She didn’t.
I would say more if I thought that I could but when she put two and two together… when her hopeful expression collapsed like that… when those eyes of hers… that betrayed expression did far worse to me than you could do with rusty knives. I’m sorry but I really don’t want to remember that face… to relive those sad eyes…
All I could do was silently mouth out ‘trust me’ between answering questions on the phone, trying my best to maintain my fake anger while looking everywhere but at Twilight’s face. The entire conversation was one long train wreck and with each new answer I gave, those two words looked less and less genuine.
“No, sir. She isn’t armed.”
‘Trust me’
“I’m not scared of her, sir, but she doesn’t belong here and I want her removed.”
‘Trust me’
“Oh, I’d gladly remove her myself if I wasn’t worried about her suing me for injury or molestation or some sort of nonsense.”
‘Trust me’
“My father sadly never bought one. Again, though, I doubt one is really needed. She’s unarmed and barely over four feet tall. I just need someone to pick her up and remove her”
‘Trust me’
“Well thank god. I’m at 1234 East Fake Street (not the real address, obviously). You can access the backyard through a gate on the side. I’ll keep a watch on her while my sister watches for the car.”
The moment I flipped my phone closed, my sister and I both spoke up at once.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. Sparkle.”/”What the fuck are you doing?”
After a moment of silence, Twilight spoke up, “It’s… all right. After working so hard to make everyone proud, I admit that it’s… hard hearing myself being described as a bad pony. When I stop and think about things, however, I’m pretty sure that I’m not really getting arrested. Neither of you have asked me to leave since my spell failed so going right to the guard would be… well, a bit extreme.”
I felt myself let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding, feeling a knot in my gut grow just a little bit looser, “Exactly!” I exclaimed, quite a bit louder than intended.
Reigning in my nervous energy, I continued, “Right now, I’m trying to see if our government can help you, Ms. Sparkle. I’m certain that there are many who would love the chance to meet a mare from another world and I have little doubt that they could probably provide you with any resources you might need for fixing your spell.”
“The only real problem is that we don’t exactly see your kind around and simply telling the world that there’s an alicorn in my back yard will just make them think that I’m crazy. Instead, we’re going to gather as many reliable witnesses as it takes to convince people who matter that you… um… actually exist.”
My sister was still glaring at me through the back door, apparently reluctant to let me shift the topic, “You know that you’re a lowlife for taking that phone call right in front her right? I mean, you could have gone anywhere in the yard to make it without torturing the poor pony.”
Honestly… I hadn’t even thought of that.
“Yes. I know. I’m sorry. Everything I touch turns to shit and I’ll have plenty of time for burning in the pits of hell later. For now, I need you in front of the house to look out for the squad car they’re sending over."
My sister glared at me for a moment or two, though it was Twilight that she eventually spoke to, “Don’t let my stupid brother get you down. He tends to forget that most people have emotions. If he does it again, just punch him in the arm. It’s always worked for me.”
With those final sage words of wisdom, my sister left the two of us standing awkwardly on the back porch.
“I really am sorry, you know?” I spoke into the air around me, more to myself than to present company. If those words sound like an empty, soulless echo to you… well, that’s pretty much how the words actually sounded.
“Stop,” Twilight stated, slowly shaking her head, “The fact is that I would have preferred if you had said something else to the guards… just about anything else, really. If you are really trying to help me, however, I’ve forgiven ponies for far worse in the past.”
“Thanks,” I started, giving a sigh of relief, “You don’t know how mu-“
“Uh-Uh-Uhhh!” Twilight interrupted, giving her head a quick shake and shifting into stern librarian mode, “I still haven’t finished. I’m willing to overlook a bit of thoughtlessness here and there but if you really want me to trust you, I need something in return.”
“What do you need,” I asked, feeling uneasy as I looked down my guest.
“Information!” Twilight half-shouted, “I’m in another world with a chance to finally study it but I don’t have any books and you haven’t been very helpful. Even if you’re trying to help me out, you basically ignored my question about where I was and you’re trying to send me off with a government that I know nothing about. You haven’t even told me your name!”
Up on our back porch, my dad place a couple sunbathing chairs with a cooler between them for beer. Feeling caught between a rock and a hard place, I sat down on the nearest chair with my feet hanging off of one side as I massaged my forehead with one hand.
“I’m sorry if it seems like I’m holding back. My culture is filled with a lot of touchy issues and I’m honestly one of the last people anyone would ask to serve as an ambassador for my species. When I’m not working with kids and their parents, I can be a bit crude and insensitive.”
“I’ve noticed,” Twilight dryly commented.
“What I’m trying to say is that I might get in trouble if I bring things up in the wrong way or leave you with a bad impression of us before our leaders have a chance to explain themselves. Hell, I’m already counting on catching hell for that whole phone call thing, whether you forgive me or not…”
“You’re right, though,” I finally admitted, resting both of my hands in my lap. “Avoiding volatile topics doesn’t mean keeping you in the dark. My name is Frank and my sister’s name is Joy. Right now, you are on a planet named earth. The nation I live in is called the United States of America, or the USA for short. More specifically, we are in the state of *redacted* and the city of *redacted*,”
Twilight thought that over for a moment or two before giving a snort of laughter, “Wait… did you just say your name is… Frank?”
“Yeah,” I responded, “is anything wrong with that name?”
Twilight shook her head violently, though a few more giggles escaped, “No… the name’s *snrk* not weird *heh* or anything. I just *snrk* just realized that the human *ha* who had been keeping secrets *hehe* was Frank! HAHAHAHHA!”
For the first time since she had arrived, Twilight broke into open laughter, Grabbing her sides with her front hoofs, she fell down to the ground and went right on laughing.
I was… fairly confused until I realized just what she had found so funny. As far as Twilight knew, humans shared the pony naming conventions that ended up with names like Sunset Shimmer or Flash Sentry. While I hadn’t thought much of it much since I rammed the pun right into the ground (much like all children who have words for names), the word frank technically does mean something like ‘forthright’. While I didn’t join in Twilight’s raucous laughter, I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.
When she had finally calmed down to a gentle giggle, I simple commented, “Just so you know, I’m pretty frank most of the time. After all, why would I bother hiding the truth if I don’t often care about feelings?”
After another small snort, I continued, “Seriously, though, our species probably have different naming conventions. Chalk that up as one more question to ask the specialists our bigwigs will probably want you to meet.”
At the mention of government, Twilight’s laughter came to an abrupt halt. Lifting herself back off of the ground, she wore a serious expression as she asked, “What can you tell me about these ‘bigwigs’ of yours? It’s been a while since I last greeted unfamiliar royalty and I’d rather not go in blind.”
“Oh… uh…” I floundered for a moment or two, trying to figure out what would be safe to share. “Politics are probably one of the touchiest subjects around, but… well, our leaders in this nation aren’t royalty, for one thing. Instead, the people elect new people to govern us every few years. People are pretty divided on what our leaders should do and how our system should run but our current system seems to run pretty well.”
Twilight nodded slowly to the vague and simplified ‘description’, though I could tell that she was nowhere near satisfied, “I understand if you can’t tell me much about your leaders but… are you sure I’ll be safe with them?”
There was something about her voice, an uncertainty I couldn’t quite explain, that lead me to ponder the question for a moment or two.
Actually, I’d like to retract a previous statement that I made in this story. When I said that I couldn’t bring myself to hide Twilight Sparkle and have some sort of adventure… I think that I would force myself if the alternative meant placing Twilight in danger.
In reality, however, I really didn’t think that she had too much to fear. Considering that she was royalty, the government would inevitably realize that helping her get home would earn them some serious brownie points with a world of precious materials, magic-users, and weather-fixers. While they might want some biological data for scientific records, I doubt that she’d face anything more invasive than a blood test when non-invasive devices like MRIs exist.
While it was possible that something could go wrong, it didn’t seem too likely. In any case, her odds were probably worse if she tried to go into hiding or something.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”
A beat passed before Twilight asked, “What now?”
“Well, there weren’t any squad cars in the neighborhood and I’m not sure that my report exactly screams ‘top priority’ so… we might have another few minutes until they arrive. Do you want to do something while we wait?”
“Like what?” Twilight asked, looking around the empty yard.
Turning my attention to the old garage, I mentally reviewed the old camping games we haven’t used in ages. A small smile crossed my face as I asked, “How do you feel about horseshoes?”
The next eight minutes or so were actually pretty pleasant, minus my scrounging through the spider-infested garage. Twilight was pretty skilled at horseshoes, though the set we used were made of sturdy plastic instead of metal and the different weighting gave me a fighting chance.
While we played out a couple of quick games, Twilight continued wheedling me for information about the world and I answered what I could. I could tell that my answers weren’t always what she was looking for (especially when she asked about electronics) but she remained respectful and didn’t seem to blame me for what I didn’t know or didn’t think I could tell her.
Right at the end of the second game, My sister, Joy, briefly entered the yard to deposit a couple bowls of fresh fruit salad, starting a quick argument between the two of us. I was angry because we didn’t know if our food might make Twilight sick. Joy pointed out that Twilight would have to eat something eventually if she had to stay for months. I… couldn’t really counter that. While scientists might be able to make some sort of raw nourishment paste from vitamins and minerals and such, I can’t imagine that Twilight would appreciate that.
Twilight, for her part, took a quick sniff of the fruit, declared that nothing smelled too wrong, and promptly dug right into her meal. Joy gave me a smug smile through the back door, volunteered to take any blame for that meal, and walked off to await the cops.
As it turned out, we didn’t have that long to wait. Right as I finished my bowl of chopped fruit, I could hear Joy’s voice echo through the hall. “THE COP’S HERE!”
After nearly choking on the final bite of pineapple, I exchanged a serious glance with Twilight as something occurred to me.
“Hey… Twilight? Can you make some sort of shield with your magic?”
“It’s not my specialty,” Twilight admitted, keeping her voice slow and deliberate, “but I can make a barrier, yes.”
“I’m sorry to say it but you… might want to put one up until we’re sure that the cop understands this situation. Your presence might cause a bit of alarm and come cops are bit… over-eager.“
Twilight took a single tired breath as her horn began to glow once more. I couldn’t see any sign of a barrier but I wasn’t sure how that type of magic worked.
I walked down from the porch down onto the yard, followed shortly behind by Twilight as the side gate opened and giant, bald-headed, African-American cop wearing shades strolled into the yard with confidence.
That confidence started cracking after about five seconds. The giant, standing well over seven feet tall, just kind of looked down between Twilight and Myself. His expression… while I couldn’t see his eyes through those slick shades, I’m going out on a limb and guessing he was mystified.
“We received a call involving a trespasser,” the policeman began, his voice uncertain but even as one hand wandered slowly towards his hip, “Female. Unarmed. About four feet tall. The woman in the house confirmed she was back here but…”
“Yeah, I made that call,” I volunteered, trying to give a calm smile, “and the ‘trespasser’ you’re looking for is standing right next to me.”
Sighing, the cop gave a quick look around as if searching for some other being in the yard, “Sir, we do not arrest plush animals and we do not take pranks lightly when they take away from-“
“I’m not a toy,” Twilight chimed in, sounding a bit disgruntled, “I’m sorry if this isn’t what you expected, sir, but this isn’t a prank and we really need your help.”
The cop kind of froze in place, staring down at Twilight with his mouth ajar. When his brain finally rebooted, he only managed to sputter, “She talks?”
Seeing one hand grab at his gun, I rose both of my arms in a placating gesture as I brought out my ‘soothing it-will-be-okay’ voice, “Yes. she talks. She is real. She needs our help.”
The cop scratched his head, clearly lost though I noted with relief that his grip on the gun loosened, “So… you’re asking me to arrest a friendly Martian who stumbled into your back yard.”
“That’s not quite it,” Twilight explained, allowing the glow from her horn to fade and taking a slow step closer to the giant, “Frank told you I was just an intruder because you apparently don’t see many alicorns… though I think he means that you don’t see any of us… and he didn’t think you would believe us if we told the truth.”
The giant cop looked at me in time to see me nod in agreement before absent-mindedly looking around the yard. Somehow, I doubt he expected first contact with aliens to happen right in the middle of suburbia… or to be personally involved in it. Even so, the guy took the news pretty darn well.
“What do you need me help with?” he asked
“Well,” I started, “and I don’t mean to offend you or anything but… really delicate stuff like Martians and diplomats probably falls a bit above the paygrade of an average beat cop, right?”
The giant frowned, though it was mostly a thoughtful frown, “Yeah, I'll admit that I was never trained for this sort of thing.”
“We want you to contact whoever at your department might know how to handle delicate situations… or whoever might be able to contact that sort of person. The goal is to get people involved who everyone will take seriously. Federal agents and all of that.”
A single eyebrow rose, “You really think that I can to do that?”
“If you can’t, just call in for backup. If enough cops say that there’s an alien in this yard, someone higher-up might at least be willing to check.”
I had him. I could see doubt written plainly on his face but he was finally thinking. If I pushed a bit harder… “Come on. You and I both know this is big. An alien, landing right in our town. This is your chance to get into the history books.”
The big guy gave a hard sigh, “I’m know I’m going to regret this… but fine. I’ll call in some back-up but I need to head back to the station in about another two hours. Until then, I’ll play along.”
“Yeah… about that. You might want to stay back here with me until we can be sure that we haven’t caught some… you know… contagious Martian deathplague.”
“WHAT!?!?”
I had no way to tell who screamed louder: the giant halfway across the year or the small quadruped beside me. All that I knew was that my ears were pounding and that I could finally see the cop’s bugging eyes from behind his shades as he stared me down.
“Keep it down out there,” came the burly shout of Dingbat as my neighbor threw open his back door, “I don’t know what you think you’re doing but there’s no need to scream it!”
The cop looked back from the fence and the source of the irate voice back to me, extending a single finger in my direction as if about to deliver some sort of threat. After about five seconds of silence, he withdrew his finger and started stomping off towards his car to call in back-up.
“I am REALLY going to regret this,” he remarked, closing the gate behind him.
Another pull at my shirt pulled my attention away from the cop’s exit and towards the pony at my side, “Why did you tell that man that I might be carrying disease? I’ve had all of my shots and it seems rude for you to assume otherwise… unless you’re trying to keep him here. By lying. Again!”
“I… wasn’t lying, Twilight,”
“But… I’m not ill…” She insisted, clearly growing frustrated.
“Which might not matter at all,” I retorted. Ooooh, this conversation was going to suck. I saw how she almost fell to pieces when I just called her a trespasser… and she had some clue that I wasn’t serious. If she thought that she was genuinely killing me… well, her face would stop my heart long before any disease could.
“In history, the first meetings between new groups has often involved an exchange of diseases between the two groups. This would be bad enough on its own but most groups don’t have any defenses against illnesses that their ancestors never ran into. Even mind illnesses or microbes that one group ignored completely could ravage the nations of the other group.”
Just as suspected, her head began to droop and her ears started lowering as her eyes grew glassy and large. This time around, however, I was prepared and was free to properly respond.
“No need to worry, though,” I began, keeping my tone upbeat, “While this is a real public safety concern and people around you should probably get a good check-up, I really doubt that you’ve hurt anyone so far. I doubt that most of those disease exchanges occurred over the course of a single conversation, especially since we haven’t share food or made much physical contact or anything. Further, it is just as possible that our diseases can’t be transmitted across species at all.”
“Besides,” I added, giving a goofy smile, “I feel positively fiiiine,” That last word was emphasized by a silly dance, the details of which I would rather leave to your imagination.
“And I thought my dancing needed work,” Twilight commented, hiding my glorious footwork from view with one hoof. When I stopped and gave a mock-pout, she responded with a small smile, “Thank you for explaining what you meant, Frank, and for… kind of… considering how it would make me feel. Now if you could work on how you introduce subjects…”
“What can I say,” I started with a exaggerated shrug, preparing myself to borrow a ‘pun’ from my six-year old self, “I’m Frank. It’s who I am.”
Again, that small smile, “Yeah, I think that I’m starting to see that.”
What followed was a warm and comfortable pause as we waited out in the yard for the cop to return. Unfortunately, the silence was broken in seconds by the one sound I dreaded above all others.
“Holy crap,” Called Dingbat from his backyard, “That thing really speaks?”
Taking a deep breath, I slowly turned around and saw precisely the sight I’d been dreading. Dingbat was standing on his monstrous gazebo, staring right at Twilight with wide eyes and a slack jaw. I’d assumed that he left the yard after his little outburst but… no such luck.
“Hey, Frank,” Dingbat continued, apparently misconstruing my attempt to set him on fire with my mind as an invitation to keep talking, “Was she the one who was playing with firecrackers?”
Ladies and Gentlemen… Dingbat!
“Frank?” Twilight started, looking up at Dingbat, “Who is this human. Is he one of your friends?”
I was so shocked by the stupidity of that notion that I couldn’t even muster a denial before Dingbat spoke up once more, “Yeah, that sounds about right. Frank and I are the best of pals, talking all the time. I’m sorry if you get this request from everyone, alien, but could you kindly say ‘get this peanut butter outta my mouth?’”
Twilight raised an eyebrow and shrugged, looking right up at Dingbat, “I don’t really get it but I don’t see why not. Please get this peanut butter out of my mouth.”
Dingbat broke into hearty laughter, ending only when the giant cop walked back into the yard. Now, while I haven’t described it in any great detail, the cop was wearing the same basic uniform as any of our boys in blue. I mention this now because Dingbat apparently chose to disregard his eyes and go with what he expected to see.
“The Men in Black are real?” Dingbat cried, pointing at the figure who was not in any way wearing a black government suit (maybe he just saw the shades?). Running down from the gazebo, I heard a continued stream of excuses and pleas as he worked towards his house, “I didn’t see anything, Mr. Just a nice and normal day with nothing weird in it at all. In fact, it’s pretty sunny out and I think might be going a bit blind in one eye. Well, I’ve had a busy day of work so I think I’ll take a nice long nap so I’m sorrybutthisisgoodbyefornow,”
The door slammed shut.
“What on earth just happened here?” asked the cop, justifiably confused.
“Dingbat happened,” was my response, “Don’t worry. He’s a bit infuriating but he normally means well.” After a bit of thought, I added, “though, now that aliens are a thing… you could probably found a real men in black group if you wanted.”
The cop shot me a single raised eyebrow, though he didn’t dignify that final statement with any verbal response.
Twilight, either not caring about the conversation or giving up on trying to understand it, had left us to knock on the back door.
“So… what now?” I asked the cop as I followed him up onto the porch as he rested back into a sunbathing chair and rested his long legs up on the wooden railing.
Twilight politely asked Joy for something to drink as the cop considered his answer, “Now… we wait. We’ll try to call in a number of people to observe and talk to the alien… from a safe distance so they aren’t stuck here with us… starting first thing in the morning.”
“Wait… in the morning?” Twilight interjected.
“Yeah…” the cop responded, shrugging, “I thought about things when I went out to the car. I could probably call some backup right now but it wouldn’t do any good. It’s getting too dark out. Unless you’ve got a floodlight, no one with see her all proper if we don’t let them get close or wait for day.”
With a small smirk, the cop looked right in my direction, “I’d say I was sorry to intrude but.. you know… contagious alien deathplagues and all.”
What the cop said had a ring of truth to it. Twilight had arrived pretty late in the afternoon, shortly after my father had left for work. Even in the middle of summer, daylight couldn’t last forever. I looked over the horizon at the golden light of sunset and couldn’t help but feel tired.
Turning to Twilight, I gave a small shrug. “I hope you’re prepared for a sleepover”
The actual evening wasn’t half bad, thanks to some awesome work by Joy. She went out to a vegetarian place and picked us up some salads for dinner and provided a six-pack of rootbeer for the cooler (while the cop was offered some real beer, he insisted that he was ‘still on the clock’ and politely refused the offer). We talked a bit over supper and exchanged stories to pass the time.
When the final lights of day were finally dying out, I went back into the garage to fetch out a couple of sleeping bags for Twilight and myself. The tall policeman, being two feet taller than any men in our immediate family, was provided a pile of blankets and a couple of pillows by Joy.
The night was nothing special, all things considered… unless you count taking a piss in the bushes as “special”. I expected the return of my father to cause a bit of fuss but I suppose that he went right to sleep when he got home that night. The mountainous cop, whose name I later learned was Rocky (I shit you not) seemed to sleep like a log and I slept in fits and starts, waking up several times through the night.
Twilight, though… I think she had it the worst. While she was still in her sleeping bag for most of the night. I learned in the morning that she does a cute little snore when she sleeps… a sound that had been absent every time I woke up that night.
The morning started out pretty well. Joy came through for us yet again, calling in sick for me at the clinic and bringing by a small breakfast. Rocky and I were given coffee and donuts while Twilight partook of tea and apples (and, at her request, a third of my apple fritter).
Things got… weird… however, when we were informed that Joy was heading out to work. Before she headed out, she woke up my father and caught him up to speed. As I may have mentioned, I was scared of my father learning about Twilight Sparkle at all. In past experience, even the slightest hint of acting “girly” earned me a firm tongue-lashing and a threat of disavowal. I had never known how serious those threats were but I preferred to never take that chance.
For that reason, I was knocked for a loop when my father didn’t seem mad. After Rocky flashed his badge and explained his presence, he even acted… proud of me. While I could guess that Joy hadn’t mentioned how Twilight came from a show for little girls, it was still odd watching my manly father tell a pretty purple pony princess to call if she needed anything like it wasn’t any big deal.
Just… odd.
The person Rocky called was supposed to arrive around 9 AM, giving me and Twilight a couple of hours to soak the morning rays and play a few more rounds of horseshoes. Rocky resisted our best efforts to get him involved in the game, instead choosing to lean against the fence and anxiously check his watch every few minutes.
By the time that 9 rolled around, Rocky was a wreck. He had slept in his uniform and his forehead was slick in perspiration, combining to give him a shabby appearance as he fidgeted with his watch almost constantly.
“Are you alright?” I finally asked, walking away from a 1-7 losing streak.
“No…” came his automatic reply as he stared down at his watch, though he revised this response seconds later, “…I mean… maybe? I mean… god, I hope I’m going to be.”
Rocky wasn’t really sounding too coherent, a fact that set off warning alarms in my head but that only seemed to concern Twilight Sparkle.
“Is there something we can help you with, Rocky? You don’t have to hide it if something’s bothering you.”
Rocky looked up from the watch at last, staring directly at Twilight. He slowly removed his shades, folded them, and hung them from his breast pocket, revealing bloodshot eyes and destroying me belief that he had slept through the night.
“Yeah… yeah… you can help me, Twilight. I don’t want much and… and I think that you’re already doing it but… but if you could keep doing it… it would make a world of difference to me. Twilight Sparkle, I would really… really appreciate it if you could not be some… sort of sick hoax.”
The more that Rocky spoke, the less that I understood. I understood the way his arms held each other in the warm air… the boiling stress held between each of those reddened eyes… the twitches at the corner of his mouth… All of those things were really good reasons for me to start walking back away from him.
What I couldn’t understand, however, is how Rocky could lose coherency so quickly. Does he take meds that he went too long without? Was meeting a ‘martian’ too much of a strain for him to take? Was it possible that twilight really did carry some sort of disease?
A few deep and uneven breaths later, Rocky continued speaking as Twilight took a couple steps towards him, “The department… they didn’t want me out here… I know that itsa… public health risk but… what do I tell them? The fuck am I supposed to I tell them? So I’m vague… I tell them that I’m onto something big… I had to gamble my whole damn career.”
Walking up to Rocky, Twilight reared up and wrapped her forelegs around his legs in a tight hug, “It’s alright. I’m real. They will see that I’m real and everything is going to be okay. I promise.”
“Yeah,” I added, feeling fairly guilty for thinking he’d just gone nuts, “I realize that pulling new people in would be an inconvenience but… I never thought it could wreck someone’s life. I'm... I'm sorry, man.”
“It’s fine,” Rocky muttered, probably more to himself than to us, “I know that everything is going to work out… somehow. I’m just… not used to feeling like this. I can climb things and shoot things and cuff things and shock things and chase things down but… this? This whole situation? All I can do is wait and hope that my friend actually shows up before I start bashing my head against… SHE’S HERE!”
Rocky leapt into action almost at once as a car was heard pulling into our driveway (the part beyond the gate, where it connects with the street). He wiped a bit of liquid from around his eyes with one forearm and slipped on his shades with the opposite hand, walking towards the gate and motioning for us to follow behind him.
Opening the gate, I could see the police car parked in the driveway. A young, asian woman emerged from driver’s side, staring at Rocky with a look of disgust.
“You look like a piece of shit, Rocky” she commented, walking towards the gate, “What the hell have you been doing out here?”
Rocky’s smile was surprisingly smug, apparently finding some levity in his surroundings now that he could finally do something, “Oh, you know, not much. Protecting the peace, eating some donuts, and, oh yeah… finding a goddamned alien.”
Rocky’s friend blinked, apparently unimpressed, “Really? Is that is? If you want to find aliens that badly, you could find half a dozen by the home Depot. If you want to impress me, I’m afraid that-“
“There’s more ponies like me?!” Twilight exclaimed, smiling brightly as she leaped forward and called all attention right onto herself, “Could you lead me to them, ma’am? I have so many questions to ask them… ma’am.”
The moment I saw that woman’s eyes roll back into her head, I knew for certain that we were finally making progress.
The next five hours were filled with a tremendous bustle of activity in our little suburbs. After my father revived the fainted policewoman, several more calls were made and the ball started moving in earnest. Several more individuals came to confirm Twilight’s existence, to quickly converse with her, and to drop off all matter of papers and tests for her to work on.
From what I saw, the papers ranged from lists of preferred foods to an assortment of personality tests to general brainteasers to various academic tests of math, English, biology, and so forth. Every time that it looked like Twilight had slain the pile of papers before her, a new pile of further tests was dropped off by another visitor to the house.
Needless to say, Twilight was in heaven.
For its part, the government had been incredibly polite about most of its work, giving more consideration than I ever would have expected. When the main government first became involved, they apparently agreed on the need for temporary quarantine. Men and women in suits established a small “clean room” in the backyard. Those figures also brought some pony-safe sandwiches for lunch and entrusted Rocky with a radio, through which we were informed of who was coming and for what general purpose. Guards were placed by the edge of the yard but the three of us were mostly left alone.
When I say alone, I think that I actually mean it. A small extension with a thick, plastic hook at the end could be seen in one of the upper corners of the tent-like structure. It looked like the type of thing you’d see a security camera suspended from in a store… if the camera was missing. If that was the extension’s purpose (and I sure didn’t see other spaces for cameras), I had no clue why we weren’t being watched at all times. Maybe it was an oversight. Maybe the camera was broken in transit. Maybe they figured that a few hours didn’t make a difference or they wanted to give Twilight some privacy while they still could. Whatever the case, I was more than happy to finally rest without having someone watching me.
I still remember when we got the final transmission, the message telling us to expect relocation within the next half-hour. Rocky, having received word that his job was secure, had long-since sunk to sleep against one edge of the clean room. Twilight had finished the last of the papers and seemed somehow rejuvenated by all of the mental stimulation. As for myself…
…Well, I was mostly ignored. While several people we spoke to praised me for my quick action, I was just a civilian. They had taken my phone to prevent me from using social media sites… despite the fact that I hadn’t used one since meeting Twilight… but they left me with a deck of cards so I’d have some way to entertain myself. Instead of having to do things myself, things were simply happening all around me… just as I had wanted.
Soon, this whole thing would be just a memory. I would give some testimony on everything that happened… go into quarantine for a couple weeks… and come back to pick up right where I left off. It would be a piece of cake… probably… maybe… I hoped.
Looking over at Twilight, I noted that the latest transmission seemed to put her on edge as well. Urged onwards by… something… I rose to my hands and knees and crawled from my corner over towards her to talk.
When she caught sight of me, Twilight let out a low snicker, “Stop that, Frank. Walking like that just makes you look silly.”
Rolling my eyes, I acquiesced and found a far less silly means of locomotion; I lowered myself to the floor and rolled over to her like a log.
“Better?”
Twilight rolled her eyes in return, though she refused to acknowledge the question, instead simply asking, “Is something up?”
“I was coming over to ask you a similar question. How are you holding up, Ms. Sparkle?”
“Better than I was before,” she admitted, “I kind of understand what Rocky was going through earlier, though. It was refreshing to think and problem-solve and actually use my strengths instead of waiting around... even if it’s only to fill out some tests.”
Yeah… she claimed that she was feeling better but something about this whole situation obviously had her on edge. I wasn’t sure if pressing for info would really help but… what if I could help her in some other way?
“Actually,” I said, putting on a smug smile, “I was wondering if you might want to play a bit of cards while we wait. The way I see it, we have enough time for me to kick your flank at another game.”
“Ignoring all the rounds where your flank was kicked, are we?” came a smiling rebuttal.
“Not ignoring,” I insisted, “just paying more attention to the awesome rounds!”
Instead of laughing or smiling, which was what I was expected, Twilight just sort of… looked at me. At least, I thought she was looking at me. She was certainly looking in my direction but… it didn’t feel like I was the one she was looking at. It was weird. Not trippy like magic but… I cant’ explain it.
After a moment or two, she snapped to reality and gave a warm smile, “A game of cards actually sounds pretty fun. Is crazy eights okay?”
“Crazy eights sounds perfect, Ms. Sparkle.” Came my response, keeping up my smug façade as I fought to distract her from… well, everything.
All things considered my plan worked surprisingly well. We played a nice and friendly game of cards (albeit with a bit of light trash talk here and there) and all other topics of conversation faded away into memory… until she finished kicking my butt, that is.
“So you had a bit of beginner’s luck,” I goaded, shrugging like the game was of no real consequence, “Everyone knows that it only counts if you can win best two out of three.”
“A shame that we don’t have the time for that,” Twilight pointed out. With those words, the momentary peace I had worked to build started crashing down like… well, a house of cards.
“A shame? Ha!” I boastfully proclaimed, trying to somehow keep things going, “you’re just lucky that I don’t… have the… time to…”
The clean room fell into silence as I searched for something to say, for the perfect words that would magically make Twilight happy again.
I had nothing.
“So…” she started, breaking the awkward silence, “I guess that I won’t see much of you after we’re moved from this tent.”
“Probably not,” I admitted, dropping the charade and rubbing the back of my head with one hand. I was facing facts, I guess. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t have any special skills or knowledge that a trained specialist with a Netflix account would lack. Even if someone thought she could use a friend, she would probably be better off making friends with someone who knew what they were doing.
Just… facing the facts… you know?
“But if you don’t,” I continued, forcing myself to keep talking, “I want you to know that it was a pleasure and an honor to meet you.” It was true. If even half of the show was accurate, meeting someone who had saved the day so many times was truly an honor.
The two of us just sat there for a moment or two in comfortable silence, looking at each other with tired smiles. More than strangers but less than friends, we were just a couple of acquaintances stuck in an uncertain situation. Species aside, we were just two entities in way over our heads, both placing our fates in the hands of perfect strangers. Thinking back on it, I think that uncertainty might have been the bond that urged me into action…
…it might’ve also been the reason we kissed…
NOT!! Seriously, could you imagine it? With Rocky sleeping five feet away? That would be… I mean, seriously… with an equine and… fucking toonies…
Seriously, though, I did take a somewhat adventurous action when I heard voices at the front door, though it was a different type of “adventurous”.
“Twilight?” I asked, shooting quick glances at Rocky and the missing camera.
“Yeah, Frank?” Came the response.
“While I support and believe in our government, I know that they’re hardly perfect and that there are a number of things that might be really different between our worlds. Like, REALLY different.”
“Yeah, I know,” Twilight responded, her voice swimming with unfounded optimism, “Since I’m not saving the world this time, I can finally do some real research on humans.”
“Yeah, well…” I started, trying to find the right words, “I guess that I wanted to let you know that if… if something happens and you find yourself unable to trust the people around you… or, say, you find yourself in a situation where you feel that you need to escape from us… I wouldn’t object to finding you on my property again.”
There was only silence in response.
“I mean, you know that the government isn’t paying me so… you can trust me to talk things through and stay honest with you. I’m Frank, right?”
That at least put a smile on her face, though something in her eyes looked less than certain, “and if there’s nothing to talk about?”
After looking into Twilight’s eyes, something finally seemed to snap into place. Up until that point, Twilight had always seemed apprehensive when my government was brought up. When I thought of her past, however, it made a sick sort of sense. Most of the villains that Twilight Sparkle has faced were either power-hungry (Sunset Shimmer, Tirek, and the Sirens), held power over a nation (Discord), or were actual royalty (Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, and Queen Chrysalis). If I were in her place, I’d probably be a bit nervous as well.
To be quite honest, that was the single moment when I was most tempted to show some knowledge of her show, to let her know that the villains of our world don’t shroud the world in eternal night or replace loved ones with doppelgangers or break the laws of physics at will. Considering the horrible things that our villains HAVE done, however, even that type of assurance would ring hollow in my throat. Instead, there was only one thing that I felt I could say.
“If things ever get that bad, which I really doubt… I’d do all in my power to help you. You have my word on that, Twilight Sparkle.”
There it was. My one allowance for adventure. Of course, as a civilian, it wasn’t an offer that I had any right to make. If there was a camera (or audio bug) in that tent, I could have ended up in a whole lot of trouble for even extending an invitation.
Still, I figured that the odds her using that offer were pretty darn remote. Besides, needing to use it at all would mean that she was in a situation where she could either A) go into hiding or B) go talk to someone who supports the government to see if the problem could be worked out. While the government might not have liked the idea of what I offered, I find it hard to believe that they would honestly prefer that first option.
Shortly after the offer was made, we were finally taken. After being quickly washed down and dressed in a special suit, we were marched out in front of the house, past the small media circus that had established itself within the last hour or so.
To this day, I still don’t know how the media ended up there. Maybe there was a planned leak to prime the American Public for news of the alien. Maybe Dingbat finally overcame his fear of the terrible “men in black”. Maybe my father spread the news in a rare bout of paternal pride. However they had arrived, their presence made me feel a little bit safer. If everyone knew we were taken, after all, indefinite suspension at an undisclosed location seemed a bit less likely.
Rocky and I were forced into the back of one van while Twilight was invited into the back of another. From there… well, there isn’t much story to tell. Rocky and I were kept in quarantine for four weeks and had to repeat the same testimony on our experiences dozens of times. The accommodations were decent, however, and Rocky wasn’t a half-bad roommate.
Since then… well, a number of things have happened. In my life, the cameras in front of my home got better pictures of me than of Rocky so I was the one who got turned into memes and invited on talk shows. In the course of this temporary fame, an invitation to a convention finally helped my dad realize that yes, I was a Brony. Harsh words were exchanged but… we’ve patched things up, mostly. On a more professional level, I finished grad school, moved to Nevada, and eventually started my own private practice. And yes, I still watch and enjoy the show (though I’ve always made it a personal policy not to watch fanfictions of “real people”).
As for Rocky, his experience translated into less notoriety but still served him well. Not only did the mayor give him a key to the city but he earned a promotion he was after only weeks after returning to the force. While we’re not the closest friends, we meet up to talk and play pool whenever I find myself back in town.
Regarding Twilight Sparkle… well, you probably know most of her story already. I’ve only met her on three more occasions and never for more than a couple of hours. Nothing really interesting happened in these meetings, though I suppose that I might as well list them. Taking advantage of my offer, Twilight teleported right to my yard in outrage after the “sweetbread incident” and in shame after her little altercation with Mr. De Lancie. Our most recent meeting was just a couple of weeks ago, right after her return for the cultural exchange.
She came by to say hello and catch up.
So, there you have it. I met a fictional character, freaked out, reported her to the authorities, had a sleepover where everyone had insomnia, and got whisked away by the government. A couple years later, everything has gone right back on track. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t consider meeting a fictional character to be a major turning point of my life. I consider it to be something else entirely.
Namely, the start of an irreplaceable friendship
