The Lyler Archive

by Flutterpriest

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Sex, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthology, Lyra
Length: 56662

Lyra has a twin sister that she doesn't like to talk about. Her name is Lyler and she's a bit... different. When Anon gets stuck catching Lyler's attention, he goes on a ride that even bleach can't remove.

Lyra has a twin sister that she doesn't like to talk about. Her name is Lyler and she's a bit... different. When Anon gets stuck catching Lyler's attention, he goes on a ride that even bleach can't remove.

A Collection of Short Stories. The Lyler OC was created from a typo of spelling Lyra. That's really about all there is to it.

Previous Cover Art by JustAnotherFan4
Current Cover Art by anonpencil

Published 2015-02-05 18:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-29 18:17:57 UTC

Lyler and the Flutterbat

You wake up in the dark of the night with the cool evening air brushing against your skin. Your head pulsates as you rise to your feet. What happened? You look around to try and get your bearings. It looks like a clear night in the middle of Ponyville, but what were you doing here? All you remember was walking home from a handyman job and then...

Then, just out of the corner of your eye, a shadow moves swiftly through the air. Immediately you look around and guard yourself. Your inner 'fight or flight' activates as your mind races for information.

The shadow moves from rooftop to rooftop with blinding speed. Whatever this thing is, you can't face it head on. It looks like there is a forest about a mile to the west. Flight it is. You slowly shuffle to the forest, refusing to turn your back to the flying beast.

It's stops on top of a house and stares down at you with red piercing eyes. A shiver runs down your spine. The forest is too far. Looking around, you try to find a friend's house for refuge. Slowly, you back away from the beast. The creature leaps into the air and spreads it's massive wings in the light of the moon. Massive bat wings. On what looks like a mare's body. She swoops down through the air and lands six feet in front of you. Sweat slowly drips down the side of your face as you freeze in terror. The bright moonlight illuminates the features of the mare.

You quickly assess the qualities of your persuer. Long Pink hair. Yellow fur. Butterflies on the butt.

Wait just a minute, it's just Fluttershy. Immediately you exhale and chuckle to yourself. Fluttershy wasn't dangerous. She was just crazy! Well, her human fetish drove her crazy anyway. Every morning, she would come to your home and would try to figure out what you were into. She said she learned it from one of those Cos-mare-politan magazines that Rarity lent her. She's probably just looking for another crazy fetish attempt to win your heart.

Ain't that cute, but it's wrong.

"Jeez, Fluttershy. You really had me going there for a second." She hisses at you loudly and you take a step backward. You back slowly away from the beast in front of you. "Woah... uh.. are you okay girl?" Maybe you really upset her.

"I'm... soo.. hungry, Anon." She walks towards you and you quicken your pace.

"Well maybe we can grab you some food... uh. Pinkie would probably open up Sugarcube for a snack if we asked... hehe," you say in a panic, looking for a way out of your situation. You didn't like where this was going. Fluttershy was so kind and gentle... and now...

"No, Anon." She continues to move forward towards you, licking her lips and eyes bearing down at you. "I'm hungry... for you!~"

She leaps into the air towards you. You jump to the side and take an all out sprint towards Lyra's house. The yellow demon's wings flap loudly through the air behind you. The door is just a few feet away. Charging shoulder first, you smash the door open and close it behind you, hearing a loud thump slam into the door.

"Open the Doooor Anon~”

"Fuck off," you yell back proudly.

"Pretty pleease Anon? I'll make it worth your whiile..." she coos back at you.

"How about 'no'? Yeah, I'm going to go with 'No'." You quickly barricade the door and run upstairs.

"LYRA! LYRA!" You open up the door to Lyra's room and find it empty. Oh great. Now what?

"AAAANNNEEEERRRRNNNNN!" Instantly you are forced to the ground by the force of a 60lb horse.

"Lyler. Get off me. I have way bigger issues to deal with right now." You groan at your rotten luck. Now you have to deal with this crazy mare too. "Where is your sister?"

"SHES SLEEPENG WITH BERNBERN!"

"Ugh. Alright. Fine." You don't have time for this bullshit. Time Turner's place isn't too far from here. If you sneak out the front- But wait, her senitive ears will hear you. Maybe if you can trick the bat into going to the wrong exit...

"Lyler. There is candy in Lyra's bathroom cabinet,” you say, trying anything to get her away form you.

"CANDY!" she screams, running to the bathroom.

With the speed of 10 kenyans, Lyra speeds off to the bathroom. You tip toe downstairs to avoid any distractions from Lyler. Edging your way to the back door, you turn the handle slowly, then slam it with all your might. A loud hiss rings out from the front and you sprint to the front door, hoping for a successful distraction. Running out the front door, you see the yellow beast fly to the backyard. YES!

Time Turner's place is right-OOMPH

"DAT WASNT CANDY. IT WAS BIRF CUNTROL!” Lyler yells at you, as she pins you down and stares at you angrily.

"Mama's Coming, Anon!" The Flutterbat calls to you after Lyler has given away your position.

"FUCK!" You try to push Lyler off of you, but she punches you in the nose and you begin to bleed. "LET ME GO!"

"SEY SURRY!" she yells at the top of her lungs.

"IM SORRY! JESUS CHRIST, GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" you scream for your life

"alright, ok." Lyler replies and steps off of you. Immediately, you turn and run into the house, slamming the door behind you.

"DAT WUZ CLOZ" Lyler yells, mysically next to you.

"What? How?" How does this horse even work? Actually, nevermind. Priorities. You run upstairs and kick open Time Turner's bedroom door.

"Turner I need a -OH GOD!" Time Turner and Derpy Look at you in shock as she is pegging him.

"Uh. One minute please?" he replies to you. You step outside and try to figure out how to even remotely handle this situation properly. Slowly, ge comes out into the hall.

"What do you want?” he asks in irritation.

"Being chased by a demon horse. I need a flashlight," you respond without even looking at him.

"Kitchen. Second drawer on the right,” he answers flatly.

"Thanks. uh. go back to... that,” you say, walking away.

"Will do,” answers, returning to his bedroom.

You head downstairs and Lyler is sniffing the door handle. After staring at her for a moment, you shake your head and head into the kitchen, where there appears to be the remains of a romantic dinner. You find the drawer and grab the flashlight.

You go to raise your hands due to the item you've just found. However, you forgot that pony houses are small. You smash your hands right through the ceiling.

“Shit,” you mutter awkwardly as you pull your bruised hands out of the drywall.

Well, now at least you can disorient Flutterbat. You carefully examine the device and try to turn it on. With a click of it's button, it remains dark. You rattle the device and slap it a few times in hopes that physical abuse will teach it to learn it's lesson, however it's a flashlight. Flashlights don't react well to punishment conditioning.

Which now leaves you back at square one. You could try to go back upstairs to bother Time Turner...

On the other hand. No.

Instead, you have to find something so that you may defeat her in mortal kombat. First, you must secure a weapon. Heading back into the living room, Lyler is hitting the door with her face in response to each knock that Flutterbat makes.

"Goddamnit, Lyler-” you yell at her at your wits end, but she harshly cuts you off.

"MY FACE FEELS FUNNY!"

" Fucking stop!" you scream at her.

"NO U!" She screams in anger. She hits the even harder and falls over, knocked out. Well, that solved that problem. Now you just need to find a weapon. You swiftly run through the house in an attempt to find something to fight a vampire with. Suddenly the answer is directly in front of you. You have the strongest weapon of all. The power of confusion. Lyler the Vampony Smasher.

Grabbing her back hooves, she instantly straightens out like a massive baseball bat. No. Like a MIGHTY WARHAMMER.

Before you open up the door, you give yourself a pep talk. One that boosts your confidence and raises your spirits. You remember the words of your older brother from when you were on earth.

"Don't Die."

Busting through the door, you prepare for your epic war cry, but Lyler snaps back to reality and beats you to the cut.

“CHOOOCOLATEEEE!” she screams. A loud hiss fills the air in response to Lyler's cry.

The Flutterbat lands in front of you and charges. You swing your war horse back and prepare for a hard strike on the vampire. Her sharp teeth are bared and her eyes glisten with bloodlust. Swinging the pony with all your might, you make a direct hit on the bathorse.

"WHEEEEEEE" screams Lyler as her skull collides with the body of the Flutterbat. The assailant swoops into the air and aims to come at you head on. Her body zooms towards you with incredible speed as you leap for safety just in time.

“Shit, she's fast,” you gasp for breath. The batpony wraps around and turns back towards you and zooms towards you. Quickly, you roll out of her path and into saftey.

“Mama just wants to show you some loove, Anon!~” Fluttershy screeches as she swoops past you again. Sweat forms on your forehead and you are quickly running out of breath.

“I can't keep this up all day...” you gasp.

“IT'S BED TIME!” Lyler yells. With a groan, you watch as the bat turns around for another strike.

"Alright, here's the plan. I want you to headbutt her, Lyler."

"OKAAAAY"

You swing the mint green pony around in the air like a lasso and toss her at the yellow winged menace. She spins around in the air and lines her ass up with Fluttershy's face. Before the red eyed batpony can stop her head is forced into Lyler's butt.

"AMAZING WIN!" the green horse screams.

The ponycentipede falls to the ground and it's yellow half squirms in pain. Lyler simply smiles. You walk up to her with equal parts disappointment and shock.

"I wanted you to knock her unconscious, not scar her for life," you scold her.

"CAN I SUCK YOUR PEEPEE?" You stare at her for another moment.

"You know what? I've had enough of this for one night. Nevermind. I don't want to know. I'm going home." You swiftly turn on the spot and nope the fuck out of there. Marching home, you watch the slowly arise on the horizon. And so once again, the day has been saved. All thanks to fucking Lyler.

Author's Note

References. The story. How many references can you find?

A Cup of Lyler

This story was a Birthday Present to SwiftM0nkey. Based around his story: A Cup of Punch.

It's another signature beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun is hitting the hills in the distance just right to make them sing. The town's inhabitants all move from shop to shop and home to home to take care of their daily errands or the day's business. Meanwhile, you move down one of these bustling streets with your loyal marefriend by your side.

"Anooon, I'mm boooored," groans your marefriend.

"Shut up, Berry. This is exposition time,” you growl to her.

Now, where were you. Oh! Right. The sun is shining and the ponies buzz around happily in their daily lives.

"Whaaat? What are you talking about Anon? Are you drunk?" Berry asks you curiously.

"No Berry, you're drunk. You're always drunk," you tell her with a sigh. Berry giggles to herself at your exasperation.

"Oh yeeaah! That's right," she cheerily replies.

Berry Punch, the town drunk, is a great mare friend... but sometimes you could just-

"Anon we should do something fun today!" Berry interrupts your train of thought once more.

"Like what?" you ask curiously, resigning yourself to a conversation with Berry.

"Maybe we should get a job at a restaurant!" she happily suggests.

"We already did that,” you groan.

"Noooo,” she says defiantly.

"Yeah. We did," you retort.

"Noooooo," Berry continues.

"Berry, we already fucking did. I was fired. Remember?" you thunder at your marefriend.

"You're crazy, Anon. I think you should get a therapist," she worriedly tells you.

Your irritation intensifies as the two of you walk towards Sugarcube corner. All you need is a morning coffee. Then everything will be okay. Then maybe, just maybe-

"Hey, Anon!" a feminine voice calls to you.

"Jesus christ, Berry. I just want you to shut the fuck- Oh hey Lyra." You say, turning to the voice and realizing it isn't the wine-colored pony. Lyra stares at you carefully as you look around for Berry.

"Berry! Get out of the goddamn trash!" You shout to your marefriend as she rummages through a nearby dumpster.

"But I dun wanna," Berry whines, poking her head out of the dumpster with a banana peel on her head.

"Berry!" you yell in a threatening tone.

"Fiiiine!” She whines, digging her head back into the trash. “Ooh! A wine bottle."

"NOW!" You turn back to Lyra who is smiling widely. "Sorry. Uh. What did you want again?"

Lyra simply beams after watching your interaction with your marefriend. "You'll do great. Here. Take this note and read it as loud as you can,” Lyra says. She hands you a note and walks away, proudly. What the hell was that about? You look down at the card and carefully read it.

"What the fuck?" you mutter to yourself.

“Fuck the what?" Berry asks innocently.

"Shut up, Berry,” you groan.

"Okay!" She happily answers. You look down at the note you were given, look to Berry and shrug. Here goes nothing.

"Okay! TO ANYONE WHO IS GREEN, I GIVE REALLY WARM HUGS AND HAVE LOTS OF YUMMY CANDY!" you scream out to the entire populace of Ponyville.

A few ponies stare at you and then go about their business. You crumple the note in your hand and put it back into your pocket.

"Well that was a fucking waste of time,” you say aloud.

"I dunno, Anon. Lyra really seemed to like it,” Berry says with a smile.

"What do you mean? She gave me-" Suddenly a large mass of mint colored pony smashes you in the face and sends you falling to the ground.

"I WIKE WARM HUGS AND CAAANDY~!" the mare screams.

"JESUS CHRIST, LYRA! GET OFF ME!" you roar at your new assailant.

"I'M NOT LYRA! DAS MY SEESTERR,” the mint colored pony wails.

"GET THE FUCK OFF! BERRY! HELP!" you plead to your marefriend. Berry dogpiles on top of the mint-colored mare and knocks the wind out of you.

"DISSS ISS FUUUN!" the imposter screams.

"I didn't know you were so much fun Lyra!" Berry exclaims.

"I'M NOOOT LYYRA. I'M LYYYLERR,” the mare corrects her newfound friend.

"I like her, Anon. Can we keep her?" Berry pleads.

"EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" You scream under the weight of two tiny horses. The two ponies make their way off of you and you rise to your feet.

"Okay. Time to solve this problem. Lyler. Go home,” you demand the newcomer.

“NO U." She repliess happily. You sigh to yourself.

"Go back to Lyra,” you say, attempting a different strategy.

"NO! I'LL GET YELLED AT AGAIN!" she continues to scream.

"I'M YELLING AT YOU RIGHT NOW!" you reply in turn.

"YOU SAID YOU HAVE WARM HUGS!" Lyler pouts.

"You did say you have warm hugs, Anon,” Berry asserts.

"Berry, Stay out of this. She's a bad influence on you,” you say to your marefriend.

"No U," Berry says defiantly.

You turn around and rub your forehead. Great. Now you are stuck with both of them. Here we go.

You walk to Sugarcube at a faster pace than normal. Probably because you didn't expect today to get this stupid this fast. Literally. Pushing the door open, it closes behind you right in Berry's face and she falls down. You turn around to re-open it, but Lyler leaps through the glass door and shatters it.

"AUTOMATIC DOOOOR!"

Berry rises to her feet and leaps through the new 'automatic door'.

"Lyler, you have a thingy in your thing," she accurately describes to Lyler.

The mint pony looks up at her forehead, which has a massive piece of glass jutting out of it. Her face lights up with joy and she hops around giddily.

"IMMA NAME YOU MISTER TINGLES! YOU MAKE MY BRAIN FEEL TINGLY!"

You turn around to Pinkie, who simply is wearing a thousand yard stare at the events that are unfolding.

"Pinkie. I'll pay for everything. I just need a coffee so bad right now," you plead.

She looks to you, then back to the two crazy horses behind you.

"I'll make it a double,” she voices with concern.

"Thanks Pinks," you sigh happily. You turn around and hold the mint pony's face in your hands. "Okay. Don't move a muscle."

"OOOOKAAAY."

Grabbing Mr. Tingles, you pull him out of her skull as gently as you can. Luckily, it didn't go too deep.

"I FEEL BETTER NOOOW."

"Good. Berry get rid of this," you ask to your marefriend.

"Okay Anon," She says, wobbling towards you. "You hand her the piece of glass and she looks down at it carefully."

Turning back around, you slam several bits on the counter and down the coffee that Pinkie prepared for you. When you turn back around, Berry and Lyler are giggling with each other. A sinking feeling immediately fills your stomach.

"What did you do?" you ask worriedly.

"Mr. Tingles is hiding," Berry giggles. You look around the room for the massive piece of broken glass. Finally you look to the mint colored mare herself, who is now bleeding from her mareparts. On any other day, you would freak out that a pony shoved a massive piece of glass in her vagina.

Instead, you simply turn to Pinkie.

"Uhh. Any idea what we should do?" Pinkie looks at you, her face sick.

"How would I know what to do? I'm crazy, but this is a whole new league of crazy” Pinkie says.

"Sorry. Just trying to attach to something sane here," you reply with your desire to keep living slowly fading from your fingertips. You sigh to yourself then look back to the other two.

"Well. I guess we are going to the hospital now. Let's go."

"You are cancer,"

"WHAT!" Lyler yells.

The three of you sit huddled around the doctor in his office. Apparently after they pulled the glass out, they wanted to do a check up on the crazy mare.

"Well, honestly, it could be worse. You don't have cancer. You just are cancer. You seem to infect those around you with the terrible disease by making them listen to you for over an hour," the doctor corrects. The doctor looks down at his watch.

"In fact, I only have a few hours left to live," the doctor adds.

"Well great. We are all going to die now. Awesome," you say sarcastically. “Cherry on top of my fucking day.”

"But there is another way," The doctor says.

You rub your forehead. That coffee isn't helping. "What do we do?" you ask.

"You must travel through the Dungeon of the Two Sisters and retrieve the Gem of the Crystal Empire that hides within." You stare flatly at the doctor.

"So, we can die and make peace with our loved ones, or die in an old castle." You look down to Berry, who is snoring in her chair. "Where is this castle?"

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Berry."

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Berry." you assert.

"Are we there yet?" Berry asks.

"JESUS CHRIST! NO! WE AREN'T!"

"Okay." Berry answers as you wade through the Everfree forest. Finally the harsh thicket clears, and you see the massive castle perched on a hillside in the redness of the sunset.

"ARRRE WE DER YEEET!" Lyler asks.

"Yeah," you answer quietly, in awe of the scenery in front of you.

"NO FAIR! YOU NEVER TOLD ME YES!" Berry screams.

"Berry. We weren't there yet,” you assert to her. Lyler bounds happily up to the castle, while Berry moves in front of you.

"Anon, can we talk?" Berry says flatly. You watch the mint pony leap away and then look down at her. Bery never used this tone of voice. Ever. For the first time today, you were actually concerned about something that wasn't bat-shit insane.

"Yeah, sure,” you said.

"I don't like how you've been acting around her, Anon,” Berry said. You chuckle to yourself and shake your head.

"What? What are you talking about? I'm screaming at her! Telling her to get the fuck away! That I don't want her around!" you chuckle.

Berry looks down and kicks her hoof on the dirt. "Yeah..."

“How is that bad?" you ask.

"Well... I dunno... it reminded me of how we first started dating," she said quietly.

You stare down at her with a blank expression. She looks up at you. Carefully, you kneel down and wrap her in your arms.

"Berry. That was different. I can't stand this insane horse. You are a cute drunk. That's different." Berry sniffs her nose and buries her head into your shoulder. You pull away from her and pick a stray violet off of the ground. Pulling her hair to the side, you carefully place the flower behind her ear.

"Now then. We have one goal in mind."

Berry looks up at you happily. "Don't Die!" she cheers.

"That's right. Now let's do this."

The three of you approach the large wooden doors to the castle. You walk up to them and try to push them open. After pushing as hard as you can, you take a step back to see you progress. They didn't move at all.

"It looks like they are closed tightly," Berry observes.

"What are you, a text based RPG? Shut up,” you command her. Berry smiles and nods. You can't believe she's enjoyed your constant insults and anger. You sigh to yourself as Lyler approaches the doors.

"They're closed,” you reiterate to her. Lyler rears her head back, then smashes her face into the door. The door opens wide and the retarded horse looks back with a bloody snout and a smile.

"AH DEEEED IITT."

Shaking your head, you make your way inside. The dark, twisting insides made the rooms hard to navigate, but soon you found the 2spooky staircase down to the dungeon of the castle. The three of you walk down the dark and twisting staircase to the basement of the castle, as you try as hard as you can to tune out the conversation Berry and Lyler have about candy and vodka.

"So it really does go through the body faster if you shove it in your butthole?" Berry asks Lyler.

"YEEAAHH! ROOM GO SPINNY!"

It's not very effective.

When you reach the dungeon, you push yourself forward through the stone hallways, lit by torches that seemed to light themselves. Which normally would be a little spooky, but it was accentuated by Lyler screaming at the top of her lungs every time a torch was lit. Not because there was fire. But because there was a piece of wood on the wall.

Finally the two of you enter a wide open room where a door is held on your right, guarding a large tunnel. The door slams shut behind you and the center of the room drops several feet as a murky green liquid fills the new pit in the room. Examining your surroundings, you see the doors are held up by a few pieces of rope.

Well hell. Easy enough. You search your inventory for items. Which really means you look down inside your pants. As in, you actually pulled the waist of your pants outward and looked down at your junk.

Let's see. You have: A few pieces of candy, the note, and Mr. Tingles. Wait. Why do you have a large shard of broken glass right next to your dick. Actually. Nevermind, that's perfect.

Pulling the glass out of your pants, you walk to one of the doors and look at the rope. It looks like this one rope is holding everything together. Well, better get to work. You take the sharp shard of glass and begin sawing at the rope.

"JESUS CHRIST WHY WON'T THIS ROPE BREAK!" you scream in exasperation.

"You can't use that here, Anon," Berry says happily.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BERRY!"

"THE TURTLE JUICE TASTES GREAT GUYS!" Lyler screams.

"Lyler, I will destroy you,” you growl.

"YAAAY!"

"That's not a good thing," you groan.

You set the shard of glass on the ground and sit down. How could you have made no progress? What the fuck was wrong? Was this magical rope or something? You look around the room for some sort of clue. There has to be something else.

"HEEEEY!"

"Jesus christ, Lyler. Shut up,” you mutter.

"I FOOOUND A THIIING!"

"Shut up. Please. For the love of God. Shut up."

"ITTT'S A CUUUUBE!"

You look over at Lyler and she is, in fact, holding a large white cube, with hearts painted on the sides, in her hooves.

"Okay. Cool. We have a cube. Now what do we do?" you mutter.

"Well, there is a button over there,” Berry says as she points across the pit of green juice to a large red button.

"Okay. So, If I had to make a guess, we have to take the cube and-"

"CUBE TOSS!" Lyler screams. Lyler spins on two hooves and throws the cube as hard as she can. Time goes in slow motion as you watch your only hope for survival fly through the air.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!" you scream, rage boiling down to the pit of your soul. The cube lands softly on the red button and the two doors open. Lyler turns to you and smiles.

"DER WAS A SPIDER ON DA BUTTON. IIII KILLED IT."

You open your mouth to say something, but decide to simply turn around and head down the corridor. There is not enough time in a single life to figure out how this mare ticks. As the three of you head down the dark hallway, a small light appears in the distance.

"Hey! I think that's it!" you answer with relief, knowing you are at least one step closer to ridding this annoying horse from your grasp. The three of you break into a run and approach the light. Soon, you enter a large room, with a large podium in the middle with a small, single blue heart hovering on a podium. "Well, I think that's what we came for,” you observe.

You walk up to the podium and reach out for it.

"Anon?” Berry asks.

"What, Berry?" you ask, turning away from the heart.

"I've been thinking," she begins.

“That's a first," you claim.

"Why is the Heart of the Crystal Empire going to save us from cancer?” She asks.

"Because if Flutterpriest can put even a single reference to Cadance into a story, then he will," Lyler says normally.

"What?" both you and Berry say in unison at the sudden mood change from the mentially deficient mare.

"SHINY BLUE RADIATION!" she screams.

You and Berry simply look at each other and shrug in unison.

Carefully, you feel around the podium for any sort of traps. Examining the heart, which magically levitated in the air, you notice it doesn't seem to be held by strings of any sort or have any barrier. Then, there's only one thing left to do. A drop of sweat drips down your brow. Taking a deep breath, you grab the heart off the podium and hold it in your hand.

A quiet tense moment passes. Straightening up, you turn to Berry and hold up the heart.

"Well that was anti-climatic,” you say flatly.

You look to the other two mares, expecting something to happen. Berry looks at you confused. Lyler suddenly falls over like a paralyzed goat.

"SHIT!" you scream. “The 'Don't Die' thing was a joke!” The two of your run over to Lyler, who writhes on the ground in pain. "Are you okay? What's wrong?!”

"TUMMY HUURRT!" she screams in agony.

"We gotta get outta here!" you yell to Berry, as the two of you move in place to pick up Lyler from behind and she can pick her up from the front.

Suddenly Lyler lets out a long, vicious fart. Followed by a long trail of brown liquid. Lyler sighs in content as you back away to avoid a brown shower.

"BETTER NOW. LET'S GO!"

"You actually got it?" a new doctor told you.

"Yes. We actually got it," You say to the second doctor. “Now what?”

"Well, I dunno if the other guy told you, but he was just fuckin with you guys. He retired yesterday and wanted to pull a prank,” the medical professional chuckled while reviewing your paperwork. You stare flatly at the doctor.

"So, we aren't going do die?" you confirm.

"No, of course not,” he says flatly. You point at the green pony.

"And she isn't the embodiment of cancer?" you ask.

"Oh, no. I'm, afraid that's actually true,” he confirms. “Prolonged exposure can include symptoms such as mental degradation, diarrhea, anger management issues, and ruined stories.

"Oh. Okay,” you reply. Sitting up from your chair, you grab the green pony, who smiles back at you with a dumb grin, and throw her out of the fifth-story window.

“WHEEEEEE-”

You slam the window shut. "There. That's taken care of"

And everyone lived happily ever after.

"Wait!" Berry says. "Does this mean I'm not an alcoholic anymore?!"

"No. Shut up Berry."

Imaginary Lyler

Author's Note

This is a Lyler Homage to Imaginary Friend by Bolding

Also, it's stupid short. Enjoy?

Imaginary Lyler

Wake up sad. The world is dark, pitiful and grey. Life is meaningless. Life is pointless. Except, you can randomly see some ponies.

That's kinda cool.

You walk to your dead-end job at the bakery. They kinda like you, and sweeping some shit for a few hours a day somehow manages to pay your rent. The owner is -really- shitty with numbers. Like seriously, how the fuck are they paying you this much? You aren't worth anything. You fucking deadbeat.

Your greasy neckbeard self goes behind the counter one day and sees a green horse randomly sitting behind the counter. The horse looks 10 times happier than your pathetic life will ever be. You try to say hi, but your words come out as a mess of dry heaving and beads of sweat on your brow. The green horse turns around, as if it heard the rumble of constant acid reflux in your stomach from your diet of Pizza, Doritos and mountain dew. Your eyes grow wide in the thought that some how you made a friend.

See that? That was a joke. Laugh, you sad fuck.

The green horse opens its mouth and screams loudly to the world.

"ARE YOU THE VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT DADDY TOLD ME NOT TO LISTEN TO?"

"W-wha?" you say.

"CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE BOY PARTS AND I LIKE THOSE VERY MUCH. THEY FEEL SQUISHY."

"c-CAN YOU SEE ME?"

"MY EYEBALLS HAVE BLACK VOIDS."

"ARE WE BEST FRIENDS NOW?" you scream.

"YEP"

"PAVEL. IF YOU FUCKING TALK TO YOURSELF ONE MORE TIME OUT OF SADNESS, I'LL CUT YOUR PAY TO $15 DOLLARS AN HOUR," your boss yells from the other room.

"NO PLEASE SIR I HAVE A FISH TO FEED."

"FUCKING GOLDY IS GOIN DOWN THE DRAIN."

"NOOOOOOOOO"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screams lyler

The harmony of screams causes a rift in the fabric of reality as Zecora suddenly appears.

"Oh no, Why am I here? Clearly, Flutterpriest needs another beer."

Flutterpriest stares at the screen of words and over at his Blue Moon.

"Welp."

"OH MY GOD A TALKING HORSE" you scream.

"WHERE?" yells Lyler.

Zecora looks around the bakery with horrified eyes, and the two screaming retards.

"I'm done, I can't do this. I'm off to embrace death's sweet kiss," Zecora sighs, as she grabs a knife and heads to a closet.

"DO YOU NEED TO USE THE SLEEP?" Lyler asks.

Zecora turns, opens her mouth to speak, then simply breaks. Her mind shuts down. She nods slowly, opens the door to the closet, and closes the door. You stare at Lyler. Lyler stares at you.

"DO YOU WANT TO MEET MR. BOOMBOOM AND ANERN?"

"YUS PLS."

"To be of continue?"

"You can't just do this shit for an unfinished story," said Bolding.

"Why? I think it's funny," said Priest.

"What if I go back to finish it? I mean. You just killed off one of my characters."

"Well, yeah. I mean, she kinda came out of nowhere, so I killed her off out of nowhere. That's the commentary."

"Also, this is, like, the shortest Lyler story you've ever done."

"Because I riffed on a Multipart. That's the joke. Come on, Bolding. You're better than this."

"Ugh. You drive me to drink."

"I know. It's the best."

A Very Lyler Christmas

Normally you don't mind snow. You really don't. However on a day like today, you just want to strangle something.

Outside, it's snowing harder than a pedophile in kindergarden. And today is the one day a month you take care of Lyler. This single job offers enough money to give you everything you could possibly need for a month. 24 hours of pure hell, 12 times a year, but you never have to worry about money. Today was Hearth's Warming Eve and while you'd rather be spending the precious time with your mare friend, Twilight, you're-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Fuck.

Springing into action, you leap to the kitchen. Lyler is rolling on the ground, writhing in pain, covered in your entire bottle of ketchup.

"HELP ME ANERN. I'M DYING."

"You aren't dying."

She stops, staring at you with wide eyes.

"IT'S A MIRACLE!"

Sighing, you turn away to your window. At least sulking is helping pass the time a litt-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

You turn back to the kitchen and find Lyler thrashing on the floor again.

"What."

"I'M A BABY, ANERN!"

"Jesus Christ."

"No, not him."

"Wait, wha-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

With a groan, you resign yourself to your task at hand, having to clean her up. After an hour and a half of trying to pick Lyler up, only for her to play the "limp noodle" card to make things as impossible for you as possible, you give her the third shower for the night and add ketchup to your growing list of shopping supplies.

"Okay, Lyler. What would you like to do?" you ask.

She stares at you blankly.

"You know. Like, play a game?"

She shakes her head so violently that it cracks twice. A shiver runs up your spine.

"Oh. Uh, okay. How about we watch a movie, or television or something?"

"DO WE HAVE SEXY MOVIE?"

"No."

"WHY?"

"The last person that did that got fired."

"WHY?"

"Because you're not allowed to."

"WHY?"

"Because the town said so."

"WHY?"

"I dunno, I guess they don't want you to procreate."

"WHY?"

"Because it would be terrifying."

"WHY?"

You sigh and place a hand to your face.

"Because the world can't handle how awesome it would be if there were two of you," you say insincerely.

She stares blankly at you, silent. Then her ear twitches. She leans to the right. Squints her eyes a little. Then sits normal again.

"WHY?"

"Why do you keep asking questions? "

"TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THE ACTIONS AND MOTIVATIONS OF OTHERS TO BUILD A BETTER SET OF SOCIAL SKILLS."

"Huh. Really?"

She nods violently.

"That's... Kinda cool."

"WHY?"

You open your mouth to reply, but decide not answering is the best answer. Except it wasn't, because she began to shake uncontrollably from not getting an answer. You manage to settle her down by giving her a blanket and gentle head pats.

You decide that the best course of action would be to put on a movie. At least then she will be quiet for more than 15 minutes. The only reason you say that, is because Lyler only likes one type of movie.

Musicals.

It doesn't come as a surprise to you that Lyler isn't able to join the other ponies when they all brake into random song. Lyler is generally removed from all major events. But, that's off topic.

She loves musicals because she gets to sing along with them. Except, Lyler's careful, angelic voice doesn't quite know how to match the pitch of the musical. Or volume. Or timing. Or even the words. In fact, when the movie's main protagonist, a princess who has the power to control snow, is getting ready to clean up winter in the final moments of the show, she began singing "Row your boat" instead of the holiday classic "Winter Wrap Up." Meanwhile, you silently hum the tune under your breath, having already watched the movie five times this month. Shush you. 'Iced Over' is a great movie. Deal with it.

To be honest, this isn't so bad. The real problem would have to be when you try to put her to bed in a few hours. Then, the real havoc will begins. Of course, you'll also probably have to give her a bath.

And not because of bed time. Just because she'd probably find BBQ sauce or something.

Rising to your feet, you check the clock. 9PM.

Just eleven more hours of this shit. Heading to your window, your heart sinks. There is so much snow.

Like, holy shit, Rainbow seriously fucked up this time. There is like a foot and a half of snow. And it's still pouring.

Moving to your front door, you try to open it, only to find the snow is compressed up to your knees to the doorstep. Which is almost half of these ponies height. You close the door slowly as the dawning realization hits you. Lyler isn't just going to be here for 24 hours this time. She's going to be snowed into your house with you.

The movie's credits start rolling as she begins clapping her hooves together with a happy smile. Your stomach rumbles and you sigh to yourself. Might as well eat some dinner and prep something with her. You head to the couch and sit down with your head in your hands. What in the hell are you going to do?

"Hey, are you hungry?" you ask.

"TUMMY GURGLES."

"I'll take that as a yes. How's spaghetti sound?"

Lyler walks directly up to you. You look at her curiously. She grabs one of your arms with a hoof. Lifts it up into the air. Then let's it go.

"ARMS ARE HEAVY."

"I'm also going to take that as a yes."

Rising from your seat, you move to the kitchen and, despite having left Lyler in the other room, she's already there. You've decided to not question it anymore.

Reaching into the cabinet, you pull out a box of spaghetti noodles, then some sauce supplies from the fridge.

"CAN I HELP?"

You look at her with an expression of terror in your eyes.

"Uh. Sure."

And suddenly, she's wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron.

"Uh, alright. Well the first thing we should do is prep our ingredients for the sauce. I know it's nothing special, but we got some tomatoes, onion, garlic, a little chili-pepper, and other seasonings. I'll get a little water boiling for the sauce, and you can slic-"

On second thought, maybe we don't give Lyler a knife.

"Uh. You can... put the prepared ingredients into the pan."

Lyler walks up to the ingredients on the counter and sniffs them. Putting a pan of water on the stove, you turn up the heat and turn to watch her. She raises her hoof into the air with a wide smile, then smashes all of the ingredients. The tomato paste and ingredients go absolutely everywhere. You futilely reach out an arm, but the damage is already done.

"I SMASH THEM. THEY READY NOW."

"Well. Okay," you say, defeated. "Put them in the pan as I get out another pot for noodles."

Lyler grabs the box of noodles and looks over them carefully. And by that, I mean she shoves them into her eye. Except, she's totally okay with it. Doesn't scream or anything. Putting another pot on the stove full of water, you motion to her. She can't possibly mess this up.

"Okay. Now. We need to put the noodles in the pot. Be careful, the water isn't hot, but we don't want to splash too much."

She looks down at her box, then to the pot on the stove. Lyler nods with determination, then carefully takes the noodles from the box in one hoof. You watch in awe. Holy shit. She's doing it. She's actually doing it.

Lyler takes a single noodle from the bunch and puts it into the water. Then another. And another. And another.

You turn away and walk to your liquor cabinet, not sure what you expected. Opening the cabinet, you stop yourself.

No. You can't do this. Not already. With a sigh, you turn back to Lyler and ask her politely.

"Hey! Do you mind if I help?"

Lyler beams at you and nods, her ears perked. Taking most of the noodles, you place them in the pot as she puts in her remaining five noodles.

"DID I DO GOOD?" she asks.

"Yes, you did very good," you answer in exasperation. "Now then, all we need to do is turn on the heat."

You turn the dial on the stove.

"HOTTER."

You look at her curiously and turn it up hotter.

"HOTTER!"

She stares at you intently. You turn the dial more.

"MAKE IT HOTTER!!!"

You stop turning the dial.

"No, it’s hot enough."

"oh ok."

"Now all we have to do is wait."

Lyler watches the pot with a big dorky grin. You take a step away. She doesn't move. You take three steps away. She doesn't move.

"Do you wanna do something else in the meantime?"

"NUH-UH."

"Oh, uh. Okay."

You set your egg timer and sit down at the kitchen table, grabbing a book to read as she monitors dinner. And if there's one thing you have to hand to her, she's a fantastic guard. Lyler sits observing the pot for 10 straight minutes without even blinking.

However, after 10 minutes is a different story. The egg timer went off and-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

You turn it off as fast as you can. Lyler promptly shuts her mouth. If it only worked like that all the time. Grabbing a strainer from a cabinet, you drain the noodles out in the sink and set them aside.

"Now then, I think it's about time to stir the sauce. Would you like to-"

Lyler materializes a spear from thin air and slams it into the pot. You push her out of the way as the spear pierces through the whole oven, and sauce begins to leak into the inner workings.

"God DAMNIT!"

Lyler looks at you oddly, her head tilted sideways.

"What the -ACTUAL FUCK- is your problem?" you scream.

Her eyes open and she takes a step back.

"There's fucking nonsense. There's been days where shit gets outta hand and I've kept my mouth shut. I've cleaned you off when you get covered in the most vile substances I've ever fucking seen."

Lyler's eyes begin to water.

"I'm so fucking tired of your bullshit! You just fucking destroyed my stove! MY GODDAMN STOVE! Do you have ANY IDEA how much this is going to fucking cost?"

Lyler opens her mouth, but she can't say a thing. Your body's too fueled by rage. Every hateful thought you've internalized comes boiling to the surface.

"Ever since I've met you, you've made my whole fucking life an absolute nightmare. I dread every single time you have to come over here or see me on the street because the minute I see you, I know I'm going to fucking want to kill myself. Why can't you just be serious for fucking TWO MINUTES! TWO GODDAMN MINUTES?!"

You fall to your knees and crawl up to her.

"What does it take?! Huh?! What does it take? PLEASE! Please. Just let me know so that when I get STUCK with you in this GODFORSAKEN house, that I can figure out how to not want to strangle myself."

Silence falls in the house as she stares at you with tear filled eyes. You pant, completely overwhelmed by the rush of screaming and venting your anger to realize what you've just done. Her whimpers become stronger and more pronounced as her whole body trembles. She turns heel and bolts for the door, opening it wide and leaping out into the cold.

The door waves open and closed in time with the gusts of wind from outside. You take a deep breath and straighten yourself up. Heading to the door, you slam it shut.

Good riddance. Maybe now you can relax a little.

You sit on the couch and turn on the television. The television station turns on to the Pony Christmas Classic "Fritz the Unicorn." You watch as Fritz tries his hardest to go mingle and play with all of the other unicorns, but all made fun of his misshapen horn. He tries his best to study in magic class, but every spell goes horribly awry. Fritz makes a few close friends, but is still teased by bullies. The scene that was playing was the big climax, when he overhears that one of his closest friend was only a friend out of pity for him. Of course, it's all just a big misunderstanding in the end, because his friend comes to care for him after he tries to run away.

You sit on the couch, leaning forward and watching the movie. Then, you look outside your window to the raging blizzard. You sigh, and then shake your head, focusing on the television instead.

She'll be fine. Ponies have thick fur.

A silent moment passes before you look outside again.

She's just a pain in the neck. You can always find a new job.

Shutting off the television, you rise to your feet and head to your bedroom. When you open the door, you see a small, red wrapped box on your bed. Closing your eyes, you feel a massive pang of guilt in your stomach. You approach the box slowly, unsure of what you should do. A little tag under the bow shows "To: Anern, From: Lyler"

Biting your lip, you undo the packaging slowly and open the box. Reaching inside, you pull out a small necklace, made from lime-green yarn with little elbow macaroni strung through it. A flutter in your chest radiates through your body when you see a small little paper heart in the middle of the necklace. On the paper heart is a stick figure green human and a green horse beside it on a little field.

Turning it over, in green crayon it says "My Best Friend."

You feel your arms grow weak, as your body trembles. What have you done?

You have to find her.

You toss the necklace onto the bed and dart towards your front door. Grabbing your coat, you toss on some snow shoes and tear the door open. The door slams into the wall from the force of the wind, but you don't have time to close it behind you. Leaping out into the cold, you scream out.

"LYLER!!! LYLER, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

You jog forward, not seeing any sort of tracks in the snow. The entire world around you is a mixture of grey and white as you push forward in the snow. Your muscles strain against the wind with every step, and the wind whips and lashes at your skin. Your eyes sting and burn as each flake hits you. The clothes under your coat becomes sticky as your body sweats to try to fight the cold.

"LYLER!"

This is your fault.

You.

She's going to die. And it's all your fault.

Is it funny now, Anon? You killed a pony. A pony that considered you her best friend.

Did you have a good laugh?

I hope so.

Merry Fucking Christmas. The End.

No.

You refuse.

The thought that one day Lyler might forgive you fills you with determination.

You push yourself deeper into the storm, when your gut sinks. A large pile of built up snow lies a few feet in front of you. Running up to the pile, you use your hands and arms to push as much snow off as possible. The seafoam green body of Lyra's sister becomes revealed. Ripping off your coat, you wrap her in it and lift her into your arms.

Turning around, you push your aching body towards home.

"We're almost there, Lyler. Just hold on."

Your muscles burn with each step. Snow fills your hair as you feel your body shake from the cold. The form in your arms cuddles closer to you for warmth. You can do it. Push, Anon. You can make it.

Do it for her.

The light from your home comes into view. A sensation of hope fills you as you strain to reach the open front door. You leap inside and slam the door behind you. Heading immediately to the bathroom, you run a cold bath. You lay Lyler down on the cold tile floor and keep the coat wrapped around her as you gently shake her.

"Lyler. Lyler. You have to stay awake."

She looks up at you with weak, lightless eyes.

"Anon?" she asks.

"Yeah! Yeah, It's me, Anern," you say with tears in your eyes. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

She closes her eyes and rolls away from you.

"I'm sorry," she says with a raspy, sore voice.

"Don't talk... you'll hurt your voice. Just relax."

Checking the water, you ensure that it's room-temperature, so it won’t damage her frostbitten body even more. Lifting her off the ground, you lay her in the tub as she grits her teeth in pain.

"I'm sorry," you whisper. "I'm so sorry. I went too far."

She closes her eyes as her breathing becomes more regulated. She looks to you with a weak, goofy smile.

"Did-"

She coughs hard, her voice still weak.

"Did I make you laugh? I just want to make you laugh," she chokes.

Tears form in your eyes.

"Yeah. Of course you did. The spaghetti? Classic. I'm going to remember that as long as I live," you chuckle.

She smiles and looks to the ceiling.

"Good. I like making Anern smile," she says.

You take her freezing hoof and hold it tenderly.

"Happy Hearth's Warming, Best Friend," you say to her.

She looks back at you and smiles wide. Lyler clears her throat and blinks her eyes a few times.

"HAPPY HEARTH'S WARMING, ANERN."

She coughs hard as you pat her hoof.

"Okay, okay. Just relax. You need to focus on feeling better."

She nods and dips her head under the water, making bubbles using her mouth. You smile as you sit next to her, watching. You know, maybe Lyler really isn't so bad. Sure, she's rough around the edges, but she's one of the most wonderful, pure-hearted mares you know. Somepony you're proud to call, your friend.

"I MAKE WATER YELLOW NOW."

Most of the time.

Lylie [Filly Lyler]

Author's Note

This is a Lyler Homage to Moonie Shorts [Filly Nightmare Moon] by 8th-Sin

Relevant image drawn by Anonpencil

Lylie [Filly Lyler]

Sleep is one of the few reprieves we get as humans. When we sleep, we get to turn off our minds to the outside world and finally relax.

Except, in the case of nightmares.

In a nightmare, the world that we desperately try to escape comes creeping in to eat at us. Whether it's running, falling, crying, or whatever we fear most, nightmares leave us feeling unrested, wary, or even more exhausted than before. It's the one way our sub-conscious can really kick us in the dick, then force us to deal with the exact same problem in the real world with a high-pitched voice and guarded waddle.

You used to wake up in the morning with a smile. You used to wake up feeling rested. You used to wake up feeling optimistic and happy.

You wake up to the sound of screaming. Not the "Oh my god, I'm in pain" screaming, but rather the same scream that happens every morning. The muscles in your body burn as you command yourself to roll out of bed at six in the morning.

If you get up, then the screaming will stop.

If the screaming stops, the apartment neighbors won't complain. If the neighbors don't complain, maybe your rent will go down this month. You were already behind four checks as it was.

Rubbing your dark, crusted eyes, you push out of your bedroom and into your daughter's room. She screamed at the top of her lunges as you made your way to her kitty-cat alarm clock. Lyler loved kitty-cats. As she said, 'THEY LOOK TASTY.'

No, what terrified her, was their meows.

You bought this alarm-clock for her in hopes that it would eliminate her fear of the cuddly kitten's meow. The neighbor's cat still hasn't fully recovered. Which... was partially why the landlord was trying to evict you from your apartment slowly and surely.

"It's quiet, Lyler."

The little filly stared at the alarm-clock with timid curiosity, as if the item she had woken up to every day for the last four months was suddenly a new, wondrous object of her fascination.

"DADDY! KITTEH."

"Yes, Lyler. It is a kitty. It's your kitty. We called him-"

"BUBBLES."

"Okay, his name is now Bubbles."

Which was different from Mufasa the day before, and Muffins the day before, and so on and so on. You took a deep breath and scratched the back of your head.

"I'll make breakfast as soon as I'm out of the shower."

"OOOKAAAYYY!" Lyler screams.

You rise to your feet and head to the bathroom. The two of you did your best to keep the apartment clean, but there was only so much you could do. The tiles were beginning to come off the walls and fall onto the yellowing linoleum. You would close the door behind you, if there was a door to the bathroom.

The landlord truly began to stop giving a shit about the apartments. His hope was that eventually everypony in the building would move out so he didn't have to evict them. Probably to sell the building off to some entrepreneur pony who will make a parking lot or something. You turn on the cold shower water, the warm water having been gone for over a month, and take a look into the mirror.

The dark circles under your eyes were really beginning to take a permanent residence in your reflection, but it was far from saying that you looked shabby. You regularly brushed your teeth, washed your face, shaved, and generally took care of yourself. However, you found yourself nodding off during your day job and unable to sleep during the nights. It was the curse of being a single father.

A single father that couldn't do enough.

Hopping in and out of the shower, you threw on your uniform to the Hayburger. As much as you were dreading your third double shift of the week, you were even more nervous about the sitter you called.

Her rates were going up, and she was getting later and later. It was like she wanted you to fire her. You took a deep breath, then steeled yourself to be positive.

"Alright, Lyler! Pancakes or Waffles?" you called.

She was already sitting at the kitchen table with a wide smile, holding a butcher knife and a teaspoon.

"WAFFO!" she says happily.

"Alright. Waffles it is."

Getting out the waffle maker, you grab the combination pancake/waffle mix from the fridge. After this, it'll be cereal the rest of the week. Putting it into the machine, you turn to your daughter with a smile and sit at the table across from her.

"So! What's on the list for things to do today?" you ask.

"WAIT FOR DADDY TO GET HOOOME!"

You bite your lower lip as you hear the normal phrase. It wasn't news that you didn't get to spend as much time at home as you wanted, but it was just the way things worked out.

"Oh? No fantastic adventures with Mr. Boom Boom?"

Lyler cast a glance to her cactus friend that was sitting on the kitchen table. Despite Boom Boom's prickly exterior, the plant ended up being one of her closest friends and companions.

"WE GO ON ADVENTURE! WE PLAY ROCKET SHIP!"

"The vast reaches of space today? Sounds dangerous. Be sure to take your phasers."

A buzzing sound catches your attention. Turning your head, you spot your cell phone buzzing away on the kitchen counter. With a smile, you turn back to Lyler, who's ears have turned down.

"I'll be right back..."

Rising from your seat, you grab the phone and answer the call.

"Hello?"

"Uhmmm. Hi, Is this Andrew?" says a familiar teenage voice.

"Uh. No. This is Anonymous."

"Same difference. So, hey, like, I can't come babysit today."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeaahh."

“Why? Is everything okay? I need to head into work in half an hour."

"Yeeah. I'm just... not really feelin it? I think I'm just gonna get a hooficure and watch movies."

"But wait. We have an agreement that you'd come and watch Lyler at least five times a week. That's what we worked out in-"

A click comes from the other side of the line and the call is disconnected. You look at the blank home screen of your phone with a bitter anger boiling in your throat. Trying to hold yourself together, you look to your daughter and give her a smile.

"I'm going to need just a second, Lylie."

Fishing through your contacts, you do your best to find a coworker that's off today. There's not many in your list that are really reliable contacts... since most of the ponies that work at your job are teenagers trying to just get a few extra bits. Which leaves... calling your boss.

Who has very, very firm stances about a monkey working on the food line.

You dial the number quickly as the waffle machine lets out a light -ding- of warm breakfast.

The phone rings as you dig the waffle out of the pan and place it on a plate.

"Hello?" a gruff male voice answers.

"Hi, Maple. It's Anonymous."

"Anonymous? Aren't you supposed to be at work in the next 30 minutes?" he immediately assaults.

"Uh, yeah. About that. My sitter just called in and I don't have anyone to watch my daughter."

"Well that's tough. I need you in 30 minutes."

"Listen, I know. But do you mind if I just take some time to get a replacement sitter here? I'll make it up at the end, I promise. I just don't want to leave her here alone."

"Now you listen to me, monkey. You can either be here at work in 30 minutes, or you can stop coming in entirely."

Your voice catches in your throat as you look over to Lyler, who is gently talking to her cactus friend on the table.

"Sir?"

"What? I don't have all day."

"Fuck off."

You hang up your phone and set it on the counter.

"Guess what, Lylie! We get to play all day today!" you say in a particularly proud voice.

Her ears perk and turn to you with a wide smile.

"ALL DAY WITH DADDY?"

"That's right!" you say, grabbing some butter and maple syrup. "Plus, it's all your choice. What do you want to do today?"

The filly's mind goes on overdrive as she's too excited for words. Instead, she tries to let out this excitement through rocking back and forth in her chair. Bringing the food to her seat, the aggressive rocking proves to be too much for the four wooden legs and the chair falls over.

"Okay, okay!" you try to calm her, picking the little filly up into your arms and setting the chair back up. "We can't do any playing if you don't eat your breakfast."

You give her a tight squeeze as she nuzzles your chest.

"OKAY! I EAT BREAKFAST SUPER FAST!"

"Not -too- fast, or you'll choke again."

Low and behold, as soon as you get to the waffle maker to pour your own, she starts choking. Having this been the third time this week, you sort of expected it. After giving her the Heimlich maneuver, making yourself a waffle and pouring some coffee, you sat on the couch as she sat on the floor eagerly wagging her tail.

"So, Lylie, did you have any ideas for what we should do today?"

"ROCKET SHIIIIIPPPPPPP!" she exclaims.

"Haha! Alright. Alright. Rocket ship. How do we play?" you reply, crawling down on the floor to get on her level.

"IMMA CAPTAIN, AND DADDY'S FIRST MATE. BOOMBOOM IS ANDROID."

"Okay! How do we begin."

Starlog: 8679-4 aboard the Starship Cactusjuice.

Things have been stressful on my crew, but we're doing the very best we can. First Mate Anonymous has been overstressed and overworried, so I've done my best to ensure he gets proper space and I do not provide him too many tasks. The last thing we need is for another member of our crew to go AWOL.

Our previous mission, to find the source of the chocolate milk fountain was ended in failure, when we had our wires crossed. Instead, we discovered the Orange Juice Geysers.

Needless to say, all involved were quite disappointed.

However, we're still trudging on in the search. I refuse to be a disgrace to the uniform I wear.

"Lylie, you don't have a uniform."

"DADDDDD PLEASE. IM MONOLOGUING."

Ahem.

After re-analyizing the data and enhancing the satellite images, we believe we've discovered a new location for the ever elusive chocolate milk fountain. Will this result in a chocolate, creamy treat? or will it lead to a most gruesome bath-time?

I'm not sure.

But, I want to give my crew the morale boost it needs to carry on. So, here's hoping for the best. Captain Lyler, out.

"We've arrived on Planet Living Room, Captain," First Mate Anonymous announces.

"THANK YOU ANON. YOU GOOD TEAMMATE. COMPUTER. WHERE IS CHOCOLATE MILK?"

Mr. Boomboom gently whispers into your ear the secrets of the universe, however none of this brings you any closer to the drink of the heavens.

"CURSES. WE MUST TRAVEL ON FOOT. ANONYMOUS. CARRY ME."

You leap onto Anon's back.

"Where to, Captain Lyler?"

"SOMEWHERE!"

Somewhere was the goal. Anywhere was right out. Anywhere would infer that any place in the world would have chocolate milk. But anywhere included here. There was no Chocolate Milk here. Thus, if somewhere isn't anywhere, it must be somewhere that is not here.

"TAKE US OUT, MR ANONYMOUS!"

Anonymous begins his crawl at a steady pace as you scan the surroundings of the living room for the coveted prize. We make our way down the Pathway of Halls and the surroundings suddenly darken.

"SLOW PACE!"

Anonymous's crawl slows to ... well certainly not a crawl.

"THE ENEMY LIES AHEAD!"

Anonymous quakes in fear at the sheer mention of the beast. Or chuckles. One of the two. If it's the latter, you're proud of your father. The only human you know that could laugh in the face of sheer evil.

"TURN! WE MUST FACE OUR ENEMY HEAD ON!"

Surely they must have taken what must rightfully be yours. The Bubbling, Abnormal, Terrifying Horror. It may seem like a simple beast, but deep beneath it's marble exterior was murderous intent. Anonymous leads you into the dark room and you clutch Boomboom close.

"BE STRONG BOOMBOOM. WE WILL PREVAIL."

You watch the corners of the room for any sign of danger. Then, the door slams, surrounding you in darkness.

"ITS A TRAP!"

A high pitch squeak. The sound of running water. Anonymous falls beneath you.

"ANONYMOUS!"

You feel yourself pulled from the ground which you stand on.

"UNHAND ME YOU VILE CREATURE! I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO YOUR GAME.

Then, warm water graces your hooves.

"NO! NOOOOOO!!!!!"

The liquid surrounds you, then the lights come on. Anonymous stands over you as you pull your head out of the bath.

"ANONYMOUS! YOU BETRAY ME?"

He laughs to himself as he grabs the bottle of soap.

"You have no idea how bad you were beginning to smell. Don't worry, I'll be quick and painless!"

"BOOMBOOM! TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST!"

You turn to look for your companion, but he sits on the bathroom counter, watching.

"ET TU, BOOMBOOM?"

Anon draws in close. On this day, the battle for the Chocolate Milk was a failure.

Anonymous shampoos your mane as you glare angrily in the distance.

However, the war is far from over.

What Started It All

Author's Note

I know it's short, but it's the first ever Lyler short. I'm... kind of sorry? I mean. Ugh. Just take it already. No justification in the world gets people ready for this shit.

What Started It All

Bon Bon would kill you if she ever found out about this.

Here you are, out on a date with her marefriend, who is now currently drunk off her rocker. You are just lucky that they don't live together.

Yet.

You carry the aquamarine pony back to her home, while she loses her stomach on your shoes. Arriving at the home, you slowly let down Lyra so she can stand on her own four hooves. She sways back and forth, and knocks on the door as hard as she can. Why is she knocking on the door of her own home?

The door swings open to reveal who could have been Lyra's twin.

"SEESTEERR."

Could have been.

This pony had a noticeable slur to her words and her eyes have a vacant feel to them. Lyra stumbles into the house, ignoring the family member.

"HAY, mah name is Lyyyler."

You stare at the mentally challenged family member of Lyra.

"Uh... Hi... mine is Anon."

Slipping by her you ascend the stairs to Lyra's room. You couldn't help but get the creeps from her sister. Lyra lays on her bed, half passed out.

"Annnon. I wan you to comere an FUCK me..."

"Is that the alcohol talking?"

"Does it mattah?"

She spread-eagles her legs and motions you over with a hoof.

"Lyra. You are drunk. If you really want this, see me when you are sober."

"Nooooo!"

You walk out of the room and close the door. Before you head back down, you peek back in on the mare of your dreams. She's already passed out, with drool running down the side of the bed. Such beauty cannot be truly understood by mortal man. Heading back downstairs you run face to face with the other aquamarine unicorn.

"HAY!"

"Uh. Hi."

"Where you goin?"

"Home."

"Wanna fuck?"

She looks up to you with the same bedroom eyes that your love showed to you. If she didn't open her mouth, she could easily be mistaken for Lyra.

"Are you single?"

"I'm dating BERN BERN!"

"Close enough."

She leads you up to her room, making the floor wet with drool. Maybe this would be quick and easy. You could probably convince her not to say anything. Then it could be just like screwing Lyra.

As you enter her room, she turns to you.

"Youu just lay on the bed and I get things."

"Uh. Ok."

You lay on the bed, wondering if you should have thought with your dick for once in your life, and be in Lyra's room. When she walks back into the bedroom, you see that she has completely ruined her face with makeup, and is wearing a fairly nice set of high-heels. It almost distracts you from the giant paddle she is carrying.

Oh shit.

"Ahm gunna make your NO-NO's happie!"

You get up to leave the room, but she hits you in the face with the paddle.

"Shit! Lyler stop!"

She gasps and looks at you wide-eyed.

"You said a bad-bad."

This shit will be the end of you. Trying to make your way through her to the door, she begins to hit all parts of your body with the paddle. You double onto the floor in pain. She takes a high heel and begins to press the heel directly into your dick.

Your screams of pain only encourage her more as she takes advantage of your weakened state by hitting you with the paddle even more. Once your face is bleeding, she rips off your pants and exposes to you her smelly, crusty marehood.

"Lick me!"

"I think I would rather just die."

She pushes her flank directly into your face and lets out a large fart.

That probably would have been the least weird thing of the night if you were into that sort of thing. Taking the paddle, she begins to slap your manhood as hard as she can until you are in tears and cannot speak. Lyler tears off your pants and begins to slowly grind her teeth along your manhood.

"Please... just stop... I wanna go home."

She doesn't seem to hear you. Out of desperation, you try a new tactic.

"Lyler. The seaponies are on TV."

She jumps to her feet.

"MY FAVEWITE!"

As she sprints downstairs, you hold your crotch and try to hold your broken arm as you limp your way home. You probably could have gone your entire life without having to get to know,

Fucking Lyler.

Lyler's Little Secret

Author's Note

I don't... I don't know where to even begin. I mean, I've written some shit before. But this is some -shit-. I hope you aren't eating anything.

This Lyler story is inspired by Rainbow's Problem, a story by Swift Monkey and takes place in an Equestria Girl's universe.

I'm actually kinda sorry for this. Like, 30% sorry.

Lyler's Little Secret

BE ANON. CHILLIN THE FUCK OUT AT CANTERLOT HIGH. LIKE A MUTHA FUCKIN BOSS. DECIDE ITS TIME FOR SOME FUCKING LUNCH. GO TO THE CAFETERIA. GET SOME SHIT. IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE SHIT. THE FOOD THAT GRANNY SMITH HAS SERVED TO YOU LOOKS LIKE SHIT AND SHE CALLED IT SHEPARDS PIE.

YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN. DRINK THAT FUCKING CHOCOLATE MILK. LYLER SITS DOWN AT YOUR TABLE AND SHE LOOKS SAD I GUESS. DON'T GIVE A FUCK CAUSE YOU HAVE A BROWNIE, BITCH. SHE CASTS IDLE GLANCES AT YOU, BECAUSE LYLER IS SHALLOW AS FUCK AND EXPECTS YOU TO ASK HER WHATS WRONG.

WHY SHE DOES THIS INSTEAD OF JUST COMING OUT WITH HER PROBLEM IS BEYOND YOU. WOMEN ARE FUCKING BITCHES, MAN. WELL YOU WON'T HAVE NONE OF THAT. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS NOT SAY ANYTHING.

"Hey, Lyler. What's wrong?"

FUCK YOU WRITER. THIS IS MY STORY.

I dunno man, I think I can help you out.

FUCK YOUR FUCKING SHIT. I GOT THIS

Kay.

SO SHE LOOKS UP AT ME WITH HER WHINEY ASS FACE

AND SHE STARTS CRYING ABOUT-

Dude, would you mind if I wrote Lyler's Dialogue?

FINE. I HATE THAT DUMB BITCH ANYWAY.

"Oh Anon! It's just dreadful... I-I have a serious problem... and I don't know who to go to for help..."

HA. HER PAIN IS FUCKING AWESOME. SHE SITS UNCOMFORTABLY IN HER SEAT, TRYING NOT TO CRY.

You know what, fuck this.

DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-

Just shut the fuck up.

HEY MAN, DON'T PULL THAT TRIGG-

There. Now it's just you and me, reader. Okay? Okay.

Lyler sits across from you at the lunch table and you set your lunch aside. Clearly she is in some sort of distress, the way she sits leaned over the table, looking around the room. It's almost as if she's worried she's being watched.

"Well we're friends, Lyler. I'd do anything to help you out. What's on your mind?" you ask the pale high school girl.

She shifts and cringes in her seat.

"CAN YOU HELP ME?"

You cast her an odd glance, but she looks up at you as if she were pleading for mercy. She's begging you, Anon. You feel your rod stiffening in your pants.

"Yeah. Sure. Just name it."

A smile curls on her face as she places a hand on your arm.

"FOLLOW MY BUTT," she smiles weakly.

Your mind goes blank for a moment. Is this happening?

She pulls you through the halls of your high school as you continually glance around for any sign of someone watching. Yet, there is nobody around. This is happening.

Maybe Lyler has an itch... that only you can scratch. A smile curls on your face.

Oh shit. This is it. This is how you lose your virginity.

To the girl that has continually friendzoned you time after time after time after time again. Today, you become a man. Lyler takes another glance behind you and her as she approaches a nearby broom closet.

"HUR!"

Quickly, she stuffs you inside and she follows in behind you. She places her back against the door and quickly locks it by pushing the exposed button. You'd really love to push some of her buttons right about now, if you catch my drift. She sighs and slides down the door.

"ANERN, I KNOW IM NOT VERY SMERT," she begins to say.

You nod like an idiot about to get the pussy. Oh wait.

"IF YOU DO DIS, I GIVE YOU DATE" she says.

You give her a stern look.

"AND A RIMJOB."

Goddamn, maybe I should get the other guy back. Anyway. Her light blue blouse hugs her torso tightly, accentuating all of her most delicate features. Your eyes naturally travel down to her purple skirt.

"I NEEED A POP."

Oh, you're gunna pop all over her, if you- Wait. What?

"I CANT REAAACH IT. GET IT." she asks pleadingly.

You look at her with a dead stare.

"Pop... what?"

She pushes her fingers together and looks away from you.

"YOU SEE."

Well. Shit. How bad could it be?

You get a date with your crush if you do this one little thing for her.

"Okay, sure. Anything for you, Lyler."

Lyler smiles and sighs.

"THANKS ANERN"

Lyler sits up on all fours and quickly turns her rear to you.

"It's back there... It's really embarrassing... so... could you do your best to make it quick? And it will be easier on the both of us."

HEY I'M BACK NOW.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

DUDE! THIS IS THE PART!

Shut up and let me do this.

OKAY

"Uhm... alright."

You get on your knees beside Lyler and try to think to yourself what she could possibly mean. Backs are hard to reach. It must be that.

You grab the bottom of her blouse and gently untuck it. As you pull the shirt back, you reveal several large, red, inflamed acne mountains. While acne is no stranger to you, you shudder at the sheer size of the molehills. With a sigh, you massage the skin around the massive pimples until the white mucus erupts out of her skin.

"There. How's that?" you ask.

"LOWWWWWERRR"

"L-lower?" you ask.

"YAS," she asks, visibly in pain.

You sigh and shake your head. Fine.

If this is what it takes to get a girl... then you will have to. You reposition yourself behind Lyler and slip your fingers into the band of her skirt and gently pull it down. Only then, do you see the molehills by the dozens, forming a strict mountain range on the rear of the pale cheerleader. Accentuated by tight purple panties.

Umf.

You look over the the mountain range and try to see through the distractions to the view underneath. It's unsuccessful, as you try your best to keep your composure.

"Hurry it up already!" she whispers impatiently.

With a sigh, you go to work, popping every piece of assne that you can find. Some of them begin to bleed and Lyler begins to wince at your very touch. Wiping all of the white pus and solid heads on your pants, you would think that you used your pants as a cum rag.

OH MY GOD IM SO HARD RIGHT NOW

"Is that better?" you ask.

"WRONG PLACE"

That's when it dawns on you. Oh shit. You are going to see a vagina.

Don't pussy out, Anon. You can't be a cunt. This is the ultimate testes of will. Penis.

Hooking your thumbs under her panties, you gently pull down.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S MOUNT VESUVIUS.

I was going to... Ugh.

As you pull down her underwear, her tender bottom is revealed to you. However, right in the center of the right cheek lies the monster it self. It was at least the size of a quarter, with a dime sized head. Stopping the descent of her underwear, as a respect for her decency, you focus your attention to not gagging.

Okay, Anon. You can do this.

POP THAT MOTHA FUCKA.

Well, while you are here. You place your hands on the bumpy ass of Lyler and begin to massage.

"WAT YOU DOIN?"

"J-just trust me."

Lyler gently moans as the blood from the previously popped pimples puss down to her privates. The movement of your fingers on her ass pop more and more little hills that line her bottom. Mount Saint Helens lies in between your forefinger and your middle finger. Gently, you tighten your grip, pushing pressure on the mountain.

Yet, the over sized boil fails to yield. Realigning your grip lower, you focus the tips of your fingers between the massive mountain. You squeeze as hard as you can, and Lyler grunts in pain, yet the hill remains still. Come on Anon, you have a girl's ass with a pimple on it directly in front of you, and a date with her rides on you popping it.

You aren't sure what sort of mistake you've made in your life to put you in this position... but you have to think critically to get out of it. Think.

Looking around the room, you find a cork poster board beside you. On it, is several clear push-pins. Perfect.

Unpinning one of the poster holders, you carefully alight the metal tip with the tip of the white head.

"This is going to hurt for just a second... okay?"

Lyler nods and holds her breath. You push the pin in gently, yet the skin doesn't give. Pushing a little harder, you find the skin begin to cave around the sharp metal tip, but her pale white ass is just too strong.

Fuck it.

Pushing deeper, the pin pushes through. All the way.

Lyler gasps in pain as you pull it out quickly, panicking. White acne flows from the mountain and down her asscrack. Pushing on the area around the hill promotes the flow as the mountain becomes visibly smaller. You sigh in relief, knowing your task is over, and the worst is behind you now.

"THANKS ANERN BUT NOT IT."

Your gut drops.

"I thought it would be self explanatory... but I guess I have to spell it out for you.

She hooks her thumbs around her panties and rips her underwear down. What got to you first was the smell, as you nearly reeled back in repulsion. A thin white string hangs out of the hole where pee-pees go. Her cunt is heavily crusted in what seems like a combination of sweat, blood, urine and her own fluids. Her sex glistens in the pale yellow light from the janitors closet. Did... did all of this turn her on? She pulls on the small white string and a red stained badminton birdie of cotton exits her vagina.

"INSIDE," Lyler gasps.

That's fucking it.

I'm done.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

This has gotten way too weird.

YOU CAN'T FINISH NOW, I'M ABOUT TO BURST.

That's fucking gross. No, I'm leaving, finish the story yourself.

OKAY. YOU TAKE YOUR MASSIVE DICK OUT OF YOUR PANTS.

"I GOT JUST THE SHIT TO POP IT, LYLER."

SHE BLUSHES AND SWOONS AT THE SIGHT OF YOUR BIG DICK. YOU TAKE YOUR MASSIVE COCK AND SHOVE IT INTO HER BLEEDING, LEAKING HONEYPOT. GETTING NO MORE THAN TWO INCHES IN, YOU FEEL THE MASSIVE BUMP RUB AGAINST YOUR ROD.

"IT'S TIME TO TAKE IT AROUND TOWN."

PUSHING YOURSELF DEEP INSIDE, YOU FEEL THE MOUNTAIN GIVE AWAY AND Lyler SQUEALS LIKE THE PIG SHE IS.

"NAILED IT. NOW IS THERE ANYTHING -ELSE- I CAN HELP YOU WITH?" YOU ASK.

"Well, I'm sure you can help me with my alge-"

"NOPE, SEX TIME."

And then they fucked. Anon went on to go on a date with Lyler and realized she is actually a really fucked up person. This was a massive turn on for Anon, so they both made Fetlife profiles and decided to go around town fucking everything they could find. Every -thing.-

Lyler went on to continue to be the popular slut at school and win prom queen three times. She later decided to go to college for a degree in gender studies, but was told to check her privilege too many times for being a white, middle-class girl in a world full of pastel colored individuals. Mount Lyler-suvius went on to become infected and required antibiotics.

Anon's massive dick got herpes, because seriously, a pimple on the inside of a vagina? Come on, Anon. Use your goddamn head. Not the penis kind. And everyone lived happily ever after. With herpes.

Vacuum Suck

No matter how bright the sun shines on this bright summer day, the sunlight hardly penetrates the deepest reaches of the Everfree Forest. You are Lyler, and you are on your way for a nice visit. Last time you did, she mentioned that she had a cool new potion for you to try. Zecora's experiments were always fascinating to you, so you couldn't wait to get there. Trotting up to Zecora's front door, you see a sign on the door.

"Little Lyler, I am out for a few. I should be back soon in order to see you,"

"AAYYY LMAO!" you scream.

You have been looking forward to this all day. Kicking the door in frustration, it becomes slightly ajar.

Hmmmm. Zecora wouldn't mind if you stayed inside for a while. Right? Right.

You tip toe inside of the humble abode and spy a small purple flask on Zecora's table. That must be one of Zecora's potions!

I bet she wouldn't mind if you took just a small sip.

Examining the potion, it seems to smell like grapes. There isn't anything racist about that. It's just a drink. That smells like grapes and is purple.

You take a small sip of the potion.

"YUMMY TASTE!"

You shove the entire potion down in your asshole, because it seems like the right thing to do right now.

"MMMMMMM."

Weird, you are starting to feel funny. Something doesn't feel right. But why?

Just breathe, Lyler. Breathe in.

The air around you begins to fly into your mouth at such a speed that you fear your lungs would burst. In a panic, you breathe out normally, removing all the air from your lungs in one burst.

Uh. What just happened?

You look around the room for any sign of Zecora. But she isn't anywhere to be found.

This is bad. If Lyra finds out you've been drinking random things again, you could get in big trouble. There's only one person who could possibly help.

You stare down at your hands as you sit on the toilet seat of your home. You flex your fingers and sigh to yourself.

"Lyler comes to visit me every day now," you whisper to yourself. "What's even the point of living anymore?"

A knock on the door downstairs disturbs your valuable session of contemplating suicide. With a sigh, you rise from your seat and head downstairs to answer the door.

Through the peephole, you see Lyler standing at your doorstep. What could she possibly want this time?

You open the door.

"ANON, IF YOU DON'T LET ME SUCK YOUR HOT MONKEY DICK I'LL DIE."

You stare at her, wondering if you should close the door and get the noose. But knowing Lyler, she'll probably find some way to not only save you, but paralyze you so that you would be her plaything for forever.

"Fuck."

She strolls happily into the house and sits on your couch. Lyler pats an open spot for you and puts on her best bedroom eyes.

Let's just get this over with.

You sit down next to her, and she undoes your pants. She pulls out your funny bunny and begins stroking it to awaken it from its slumber. Shivers run down your spine as you feel her tongue run across the tip. She places your entire member in your mouth and begins to suck.

Woah. She can really suck. It's really smooth. That's really hard. Almost too hard. In fact, wait a second. AW SHIT! THAT HURTS!

"STOP STOP STOP STOP!" you scream.

Then, with a pop and a massive spasm of pain, blood shoots out of your crotch. Your entire dick is bitten off by Lyler.

She swallows, and puts your member in the pits of her stomach. You begin to go into convulsive shock as Lyler hops up and down on your couch.

"YAAAAYYY. I SWALLOWED. I AM BEST SEX FRIEND. I AM BETTER NOW."

Then, wiping her mouth of the crimson stream, she trots out of your door, leaving you to do... whatever it is you do.

Baked Goods and Pure Madness

Author's Note

I don't know how to justify these. Why are you still reading?

Baked Goods and Pure Madness

Today is the day that you complete your masterpiece. Your whole life has led to this very moment. Ingredients were chosen with the greatest care. Varying temperatures and cooking times have been tested for months. Today is the day that you create the greatest chocolate cake in Equestria.

It would have been a difficult task to spend all of your time practicing cooking, but luckily you have a job at Sugarcube Corner. Every day you got to create amazing delicacies and pastries for the town of Ponyville to enjoy. The ponies couldn't get enough of your cooking, and you are working on an entry for the National Dessert Competition in Canterlot.

It's a simple cake, only three tiers, with fudge frosting in the middle. The bottom and top layers are a smooth milk chocolate cake while the middle layer was loaded with devilish dark chocolate. Preparing your heavy cream frosting that also has a strong dose of chocolate infused with it, a terrifying thought occurs to you.

She hasn't disturbed your work today. Scanning the kitchen, you look for any sign of the pink menace. Nothing must disturb the master plan. Pouring your frosting into a plastic bag, you cut off an end and begin to spread it evenly. Slowly spreading the confectionery over the cake, you take delicate care to insure that each knife stroke leaves an even pattern on the cake. After a solid thick coating, you turn around to throw away the excess frosting.

"Finally."

Turning around, Lyler is directly in your face and giving you her signature bedroom eyes.

Not this fetish shit. Not today.

"Get out of the fucking kitchen, Lyler. I'm doing something important."

"I HELP LOTS.”

She walks slowly around the cake, inspecting it carefully.

“LOOK YUMMY”

"Don't you fucking touch it."

You stare bullets at her. She turns and stares at you with a burning lust in her eyes.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?"

Grinding your teeth, you stare at the one PONY you can't do anything to. Lyra would murder you if you threw her out of a window again. You just have to take it. Raising her hoof, she takes some of the frosting and licks it off her hoof.

"CAKE FARTS."

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?"

She slowly walks around the table one more time, as if stalking her prey. Getting up on the table, Lyler presents her flank to you.

"Are you done yet? Don't fucking hurt my baby. I'll stab you."

She giggles and slowly lowers her flank down to the cake.

"Don't you fucking dare."

It comes dangerously close to the frosting. A single drip of sweat slowly runs down your face. Lyler closes her eyes and holds her breath.

"PPPPLLLLLLBBBTTTTTTTTTTTHHHH"

Your jaw drops. Lyler just farted on everything in this world that gave your life meaning.

She plows her flank deep into the cake, and releases another long wet fart into your pride and joy. You feel your grip on reality slowly slipping into the void. Why would she do this? She slowly lifts her flank to you, presenting her chocolate frosting covered asshole and marehood.

"YOU LIKE DIS, ANERN?"

You see her asshole pucker, and drops another bomb directly at you. For the love of god, don't throw up. Your cake, no, the mass formerly known as a cake, is in shambles. Lyler’s face turns red, and she gasps for air. With one final push, she begins to let out the loudest and wettest fart that you have ever heard. All you can do is stand and watch in pure shock. When she has completed the deed, she hops down off the table and rubs her hoof up and down your leg.

"CAN WE HAVE THE SEX NOW?!"

You stare at the demented mare. Finally, something inside of you snaps, and a smile crawls across your face.

"Anon, today's the day."

Five years. Five years for shoving that mare into the closet. To be fair, she didn’t know how to turn the door handle, so she wasn’t found for three weeks. It was going to be a longer sentence when they thought it was kidnapping.

It was kind of a surprise for you that they didn’t find her sooner. You’d think that she’d scream or something, but that wasn’t the case. Lyler simply decided that was her life now, and resigned herself to living in a closet for the rest of her life.

Getting out of your holding cell, you ponder whether the action that brought you here was justified. Lyler showed the most grotesque display of affection for you that you have ever seen. She also destroyed your one joy in life at the very same moment.

As you walk out of the Ponyville Detention Center, the sun graces your skin as you wonder what you should do with the rest of your day. Especially since you are now unemployed. Actually, maybe finding a job is a good idea. As you walk home, you wonder what you should do for employment now.

You could try to see if Applejack needs any help. There is also the library. Twilight might need extra help. Rarity's Boutique could also be a last resort if necessary.

"OR YOU COULD BE LYLER’S SEX SLAVE."

You could also be Lyler’s-

"Lyler, go away."

The green mare waddles alongside you.

"BECAUSE OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER?"

"Yes. Precisely."

"NUH UH. YOU CAN’T CUM TO ME. I CAN CUM TO YOU. I CHECKED."

This fucking mare will drive you insane. You just keep walking home, hoping that the seafoam unicorn will either run out of things to talk about, get bored and walk away, or die by some miracle. None of those happen as you approach your home. Turning to her with tired eyes and a sense of desperation, you interrupt her rant about how she should move in with you.

"Lyler…"

"I’M CONSTIPATED," she says excitedly.

"What can I do to have you leave me alone?"

She brightens up and begins hopping up and down.

"EAT COOKIE."

She hands you a plate of green cookies with green frosting.

"Why?"

Her tone becomes a little more caring.

"I SOWWY ABOUT CAKE FARTING."

You look down at the cookies. They did look delicious. You also haven't eaten all day. I mean, shit man. Free cookies.

Grabbing a cookie, the scent wafts up to you. They smell like they just came out of the oven. How does this mare do it? Taking a bite, your mouth erupts with the amazing taste of mint and pure happiness. You begin to shove them into your mouth at an alarming rate. These are the greatest thing you have ever eaten.

"That... was... amazing."

“MORE TOMORROW. I LOVE YOU. DON’T DIE."

You watch the mare bounce off into the distance.

So began the new routine. Instead of sexual harassment, Lyler would bring you cookies every day. Every day you would ask what was in the cookies, and why they are so good. Her simple answer was always "SEQUET!" and she would bounce off.

Your life became obsessed about the cookies. You must know how they are made. Soon, baking different cookie recipes and experimenting on cookies are your only occupation. After several months, and countless failed attempts, you have decided that you will do the only reasonable thing you can do to figure out the recipe. Stalk her.

The sun slowly sets over the horizon as you look into the windows of the home of Lyra and Lyler. If you bide your time long enough, you may be able to watch her make the cookies. Hours pass and just as you are about to fall asleep, the lights of the kitchen turn on. Straightening back up, you peek back into the kitchen to see Lyler gathering ingredients.

Flower, milk, eggs, sugar. Yes... this is the moment you have been waiting for. She begins to mix all the ingredients together, while humming a happy tune. Once the mixture is completed, she preheats the oven and... puts the bowl on the floor.

What is this crazy mare doing? It doesn't matter. You must learn her secret.

Getting out a tray to cook the sweets on, she pulls a chair up to the bowl. She sits on the chair, facing the window and looks directly outside. Ducking down, you try to make sure she can't see you. Slowly peeking back in, you see Lyler fondling herself with closed eyes and gritted teeth.

No. There is no way.

She increases her pace, and you hear stifled moans floating out the window.

Does she know that you are right here? Her body straightens and she lets out a loud moan as she begins to release thick, green cum directly into the bowl. Your gut clenches and you feel sick to your stomach. She smiles as she begins to release a trail of yellow mixture into the batter. You fall to the ground as you begin to lose your stomach.

Those cookies. Two months. Oh god.

"THEY WILL BE DONE SOON," Lyler screams through the window.

"You knew I was here?!" you yell back.

"YES!"

"WAS THIS PART OF YOUR PLAN?"

"OF COURSE!" she yells.

"That's it. I'm fucking done with you today, you yell.

You leap through the window and stomp up to her.

"WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!"

"BECAUSE I'M RANDUMB, ANERN!"

"No. You're not random. You're just stupid."

"NO YOU."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. YOU WANT TO SEE RANDOM AND STUPID? I'LL SHOW YOU RANDOM AND STUPID. I'LL BE BACK. THIS IS WAR."

You rush out of the house and sprint directly to Rarity's boutique. You kick the door down with maximum prejudice and walk directly up to Rarity's cat.

"Rarity, I'm taking your pussy by force and there's nothing you can do about it."

The unicorn stares at you as you lift the cat up by the sides and Opal looks up at you powerlessly. You exit the boutique and run back to your home.

Once you get inside your home, you slam the door behind you and pull a huge blue button out of your pocket.

"Are you ready for this Opal?"

"Meeeooow?" Rarity's pet mews, thoroughly confused and about as lost as the reader at this point.

You don't understand cat, but you are fairly sure that's yes.

"I've always loved this house..."

You smash that motha fuckin like button! The house emits a loud siren and begins to shake the earth. The house begins to twist and turn, and become smaller. Wheels begin to appear on the sides of your home, and the gutters form tracks for the wheels. A large barrel protrudes from the outside of the house, as your house begins to become the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

"Cause it's built like a fucking tank."

Opal stares at you.

"What?"

The two of you climb into the massive weapon and into the cockpit.

"Alright you fucking abomination to Equestria, time to show you who's boss. FORWARD."

Opal looks around at the control panel then puts her paw on a button with a little mouse on it. Your tank-home charges forward towards Lyler's home as a devilish smile curls on your face.

"Opal! Load the cannon!"

Opal lies on her back and plays with a cat tail, purring happily. The perfect ally. Without her you would have never been able to get this far. A large cannonball loads itself into the barrel of your tank as the two of your approach the home.

Ahead lies the enemy. The fucking seafoam green unicorn herself. Lyler the Lynchlord. Rumor has it that she's so tough, that she birthed a cactus. She provided the Flutterbat a whole new level of asskicking. They say she once killed a bear in less than three seconds. Bare handed.

As fearsome and ferocious as she is, you're on a whole different level. You've been in countless second person stories. You've endured her bullshit for months. And, most importantly, you have a motha-fuckin tank.

"Get rekt, scrub. OPAL. FIRE!"

The tank launches the large metal ball towards Lyler, but she steps to the side, dodging the attack with ease.

"WHAT?"

You blink, and she disappears. The tank barrels towards the home as you scan the horizon for the enemy. A tap on your left shoulder causes you to reel back. Lyler sits behind you, with a smile, and a large package of C4. She hops out of the top hatch.

"OH FUC-"

The tank explodes, sending you flying out of the machine, and on top of Lyler, who is trying to open the front door of her home. Scrambling to your feet with a broken rib, you grab the horse by the tail.

Pulling out a pistol, you smile to yourself.

"Now I fucking have you. You're mine. This is it. I'm fucking done with you. No more Lyler adventures. No more gross jokes about feces. No more of your shit to put up with. I WIN. I FINALLY FUCKING WIN."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

The door to the home bursts open.

Lyra takes step after careful step out of her home, her brow furrowed and serious.

"Anon. Let go of my sister."

You point the pistol at Lyler's head.

"Don't test me, Lyra. I'll do it."

"I don't think so," Lyra says with a smile.

You feel tap to your back. You look behind you, finding your cat compadre holding an AK-47 directly at the center of your spine.

"Et tu, Opalescence?"

"Meow," her voice now stern and serious.

"Now then... why don't you come into my home, and we can negotiate terms of your surrender."

You growl under your breath.

"Maybe after that, we can decide how my sister can properly win this 'Random War,'" Lyra says.

You drop your weapon and raise your hands in the air. Putting one foot in front of the other, you walk into Lyra's home, Opalescence and Lyler following behind you. Once the door closes, Lyler dawns her signature dorky grin.

"I WIN, ANERN," she says happily.

You take two steps back away from your captors.

"Oh, we're not done yet. I can still win this random war," you say.

Lyra laughs as Opal fixes her aim on you.

"And just how do you plan on doing that?" Lyra asks.

"Like... this!"

You jump leap out of the window and sprint into town. You begin shedding clothing as you spot a yellow pegasus in the distance.

"Fluttershy! COME HERE!"

The mare looks to you, then pauses in place.

"U-uhm, Anon? What's going-"

She stutters once you shed your pants down to your heart shaped boxers.

"O-oh. I've dreamed about this day for-"

"CLOTHESHANGER, BITCH!"

Holding out your arm, you close the distance and prepare yourself for the greatest destruction of your life. She ducks, causing you to miss knocking her head clean off.

"Fuck."

You continue into town, trying to act like that was what you wanted to happen. You jump through the window of Sugarcube corner, because now you are a ninja.

You and Pinkie lock eyes.

"Fight!" you scream.

Pinkie begins to throw knives at your location, as you dodge roll to your worthy opponent. When she runs out of knives, the two of you leap in the air towards each other. Initiate your battle cry.

"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!"

Stupid ponies. They can only throw rock. The two of you throw your choices. You proudly display paper.

Pinkie Pie's hoof has contorted into a pair of scissors.

What? Shit. Retreat!

Running out of the bakery, Pinkie shouts after you.

"Same time tomorrow, Anon?"

As you sprint in a new direction, you realize shedding your clothes probably wasn't a smart idea. It's way too cold out here. Time to get clothes. Time to harass Rarity more. You smash through the window of Carousel Boutique because fuck doors.

"Anon! What in Equestria are you doing?"

"MARSHMALLOWS CAN'T TALK!"

She stares at you inquisitively. You throw a t-shirt and jeans into the air. Gracefully you jump into the air to clothe yourself in slow time. Your slow time powers fail you, as you land on top of your clothes face first.

"Shit."

Rarity only stares at you.

"Rare, can you help me here?"

She sighs deeply. Using her magic, she suspends the clothing in midair, and you dress yourself using a backflip.

"THANKS!"

You sprint towards the door. Grabbing the handle, you stop in your tracks.

"Oh, and I'll fix the window tomorrow. Opal is with Lyra. Today has been a little bit of an off day for me. My bad."

"I understand, Anon. Everypony has their days," she says with a sigh.

You open the door widely and gently close it. You backflip to Twilight's Home in a frenzy and body slam the door open. The unexpected noise causes Twilight to lose focus mid-spell as she tries to light millions of tiny candles. Her horn erupts with energy and shoots magic high into the sky and across the land of Equestria, engulfing it into flame.

Meanwhile in Canterlot, Princess Celestia looks down upon a kingdom erupted in flame. Ponies screams and cries can be heard across the land. She sighs and turns away from the vision of death and destruction.

"I always knew it would come to this," she says placidly.

Celestia pours wine into a crystal goblet with her magic.

"Might as well make this quick."

She downs the wine in a single gulp, and uses all of her might to hurl the sun into her dying kingdom.

In that moment, the world of ponies was no more. Today was an off kind of day, but at least you won the random war. You destroyed the world. Good job.

Lyler Meets Rainbom

Author's Note

I don't even know anymore.

Lyler Meets Rainbom

"ANERN! ANERN! ANERNERNERNERNERN-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING HORSE."

It's that time again, whether you like it or not. The day that you take care of Lyler, the quirky, secret twin of Lyra. In order for Lyra to go out on an occasional date with Bon Bon, or go see her and Lyler's parents, which is a story too serious and edgy to even discuss in a comedy short, you volunteered to help take care of Lyler. Which, you thought might help give you some of them... sexual favors. You know, the whole 'rub your sister, and you rub me.'

It's classic.

But no, Lyra wouldn't even do that for you. Instead, she just tossed you a pale grey hoodie and told you that 'being sad is in season, so you must be fashionable.'

Now, you're stuck taking care of this Horse, that can only scream at the top of her lungs.

"BUT ANERN. WHERE WE GONNAA GOOOOOOO???"

"We're going to the park, Lyler. We're going to the park that is on the opposite side of town so you won't be seen by unsuspecting eyes."

"ARE WE GONNA PLAY A GAME?"

"I don't know. I was thinking-"

"I would like to play a game. Attached to your waist right now is a belt filled with several needles that have been laced with-"

"Lyler, stop. No references today."

Lyler shrugs and a laugh track plays.

"IMMA POOP IN THE SANDBOX."

"Good, back to poop jokes. Fine. Whatever. Let's just keep going."

And so you do. Step by step, you make your way to the opposite side of town. Lyler prances towards the jungle gym as you sit down on a park bench. Closing your eyes, you sigh, wishing there was some way to share your pain with the world. If you didn't sign a pact with Lyra, you wouldn't be doing this shit.

What is your life? Lyler has put you through so much bullshit in your life time, that you've lost your sense of smell and no longer have the concept of an inside voice. In fact, you can't even hear what the fucking yellow pony says anymore. You just scream at her to talk louder over and over again and she cries and runs away.

She'll just have to talk louder sometime. Or at least, you should approach her as to why she watches you sleep out of your upstairs window. It feels really protective, but it's a little weird. You'll have to thank her sometime.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

You open your eyes, finding Lyler has fell inside of the dome of the jungle gym.

"IMMM INNN JAAAILLLLLLL."

You snicker to yourself. If she really thinks she's in jail, you could just keep her there all day. Lyler runs full force at the jungle gym, but collides into a bar and falls over. She rises to her hooves, turning her head and looking around at her new container.

"THIS IS MY HOME NOW."

You snicker to yourself, realizing that today might be easier than you thought.

"Alright, come on..." says a tired, but familiar tomboyish voice.

You turn your head, suddenly ashamed to be alive.

Fuck.

Someone is going to see you taking care of Lyler.

"Alright, we're here," says a familiar blue pegasus behind you. "We got to the park. So now we can-"

"BAAAAWWWLLLL" cries an unfamiliar low-pitched voice.

Your eyes are drawn to a figure standing behind her, a figure that-

Holy fuck. What the actual shit is that. No. Hold on. Seriously.

What the fuck is this gruesome shitspawn of Luna's high school years of bringing doodles to life so they would bug her sister? The creature that could loosely be defined by the use of the word 'horse' wriggled forth like an octopus on 4 wiggly tentacles with hooves at the ends. You would think that this weird tentacle horse would be the end of the nightmares, but that would mean it would draw attention away from the lack of any existence of neck on this godforsaken bastard of pony genetics.

But, It's not really the neck that's a problem. You've seen that 'Woah Nelly' horse, which couldn't be named more accurately by her parents. You know your life is going to be bad when your parents name you after a fat joke.

Which explains a lot about why I write on 4chan.

No, the head on this fucking walking example of God having forsaken you many years ago is bigger than the majority of its body. In fact, its slimy, engorged eyes seemed as if they consumed over half of the waifus on an anime forum for extra power, and still hadn't even touched any of the girls from Katawa Shoujo. It's bleached, greasy mane seemed to be different colors of muted colors of a swirling toilet filled of vomit comprised of Skittles and olive oil. Your mouth can only hang open in some combinations of pure surprise, shame, and existential dread.

There is truly no more help for this world.

It's about this moment, that Rainbow Dash looks up to see you.

"Oh Celestia. Rainbom! We can't play here! There's-"

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

As the creature, which shall further be regarded as Rainbom, begins it's chorus of screaming, Lyler raises her head to the sky and joins the screaming in two part harmony. Rainbow covers her ears with her wings as you rise to your feet and launch towards the rainbomination. You pick it up with two hands under it's non-existent wings and sprint towards the jungle gym. Tossing Rainbom into the dome of metal bars, you line the two retards side by side.

"YOU ARE BEST FRIENDS NOW. SHUT THE FUCK UP."

The screaming stops. Lyler turns slowly to Rainbom. Rainbom looks up to Lyler.

"There, I think that's solved for awhile," you say. "You alright, Rainbow?"

"Yeah, I think so," she says. "Thanks for helping me out, it was my time of the month to take care of... well, her."

You nod and sit down on the park bench where Rainbow sits.

"So, what's the deal? Don't tell me you have some sort of secret Twin sister that's mentally handicapped."

Rainbow scoffs at you.

"Don't even joke about that, Anon. Do you have any idea how insensitive that is? Jokes like that promote a bad stereotype for the handicapped, and anypony who writes things like that should be ashamed."

"Right?" you say, nervously chuckling.

"No, it's... aaactually, more weird than that. See, there was this weird thing that happened a while back that sent me to Earth for a period of time, but I was aged back, and there was this human that adopted me, but I didn't know who I was or anything. So, the human took care of me until I found out that My Little Pony was a real show in their world, and then Celestia and my friends came back to bring me back to Equestria."

"Oh. Well, that sounds sad. I'm sure you grew attached to the guy."

Rainbow shrugs.

"Well, I mean, I was. At the time anyway, but as I thought about it more when I got back, I thought it was kinda dumb and convoluted. ANYWAY. That's not the point. When Twilight casted her spell to send us back, something went wrong. So now, Rainbom is a thing."

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah."

Silence falls between the two of you as you look to the Jungle Gym where Lyler and Rainbom interact.

"Are we just going to... completely gloss over that she exists because Twilight accidentally made life?"

"Yep," Rainbow says.

Another silence falls between the two of them.

"Why the fuck does anyone read our stories?"

"Beats me. In our other story, you're too dumb to figure out I like you."

"What did you say?" you ask.

Lyler looks at Rainbom intently, her eyes staring into the unnaturally formed oceans of pure black anguish that were Rainbom's eyes. Rainbom blushes, her mouth opening and closing widely, because she doesn't have a nose.

"I KEEP A CACTUS IN MY BUTT."

"CAN I TOUCH IT?" Rainbom asks.

"I DONNO DO U USE HAND SANITIZER?"

"NO IT TASTE TOO MUCH LIKE PEE PEE WATER."

"ME EITHER BUT IN THE NOSE IS OKAY.

"I DONT HAVE A NOSE BUT I SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM."

"IS THAT A PUN?"

"WHAT'S A PUN?"

"I DON'T KNOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" Lyler screams.

Rainbom begins to growl, opens her mouth widely, then in a torrent of putrid brown liquid, produces a yellow ball, with a single blue stripe and two red stars.

"I HAVE BIG BALL," Rainbom yells.

"I LIKE BIG BALLS."

"DO YOU WANT TO TOUCH MY BIG BALL?"

"WHERE DID U GET EET?" Lyler asks.

"PONY TOPIC!" Rainbom screams.

An airhorn blares as Flutterpriest leaps up from his chair.

"No. It's time to stop!" screams Anonpencil from Skype.

"Dude, shut up. I'm writing jokes."

"This isn't jokes. It's just cringe. Just ask anyone else what they think."

"Fine, I will."

Flutterpriest opens to a different tab on Skype and messages his friend Ravvij.

"Hey Rav, What do you think of this story?"

A minute passes.

"Dude... This fic sucks...I've gotten more entertainment from stereo instructions," says Rav.

"Really? shit. Uhh. I'll get a second opinion."

Flutterpriest opens a tab to RobCakeRan53.

"Here, Rob. What do you think? I even included a My Little Dashie joke. Isn't it clever?"

A minute passes.

"Mother fuckin' crock of shit we have right here. This fic, to infinity and beyond, is the last thing I'd ever read, because after I read it I'd have killed myself. Waste Management wouldn't even touch it, saying it's too toxic for them to haul to the dump. What kind of joy did this bring to you, to write and create? Because to us it brought utter destruction and irritable bowl syndrome. Children are shitting themselves in agony, parents are leaving notes to their children's God parents about why they had to pull the trigger. Then we get to you, you cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit that you are! Hallelujah! Holy shit! I'd ask for some Tylenol but my mother just OD'd on them to try and forget your work." says the dude who wrote My Little Dashie.

"Oh. Damn. Uh. Well shit. Uhh... I'll fix it."

Lyler stares at Rainbom. Rainbom looks into Lyler's eyes. Lyler pushes herself closer to the blue blob. A blush forms on Rainboms dirty fur.

"L-lyler... I..." Rainbom says.

"Hey, Anon?" Rainbow says.

"Yeah? What?"

"Your horse is going to mate with my horse."

You turn to the two animals as they viciously rub foreheads with each other. With a sigh, you rise to your feet and walk back to the jungle gym.

"Okay, Lyler. Playtime is over."

Reaching your arms in through the playground equipment, you pull out Lyler as the two gasp loudly. Lyler opens her mouth and begins to scream.

"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLLLL ALLLLLWAAAAYYSSSSS-"

Rainbom opens it's mouth to continue.

"KILLLLLLLLLL JUUUUUUUIIIIIIICCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

You sigh, knowing you've likely torn apart two star crossed lovers, and will eventually, someday, walk in on these two fucking horses having weird, grotesque fuck session in a position that likely broke at least three bones. But that will have to be another day, as Rainbow Dash hands you a business card.

You shove the card in your back pocket, deciding not to look at it until a later chapter in the story. Because right now, Lyler is doing the Hitler salute, and you have to go find some other playground to be in. It shouldn't be long till you get to the next one, but it will feel like forever until you make that third reich.

Until then, you will have to live with knowing Lyler has a new friend, by the name of Rainbom.

This is truly the end times.

Lyler's Prank

Lyra closes the leather clasp on her bag and rises to her hooves. Looking to the living room where her sister sits, she sighs and turns her gaze to the table she stood at. A greeting card rests there, 'Happy Birthday, Mom' scrawled on it in Lyra's best cursive. She took slow, careful hoofsteps into the Living Room and sits down by her sister.

"Now, Anon can't come over today, Lyler," Lyra says gently. "I need to leave you home alone."

"OKAAAYYYY!" Lyler screams, brushing the pricklies of her cactus with a hair brush.

"I should be back before it gets dark. I just need to go see Mom and Dad in Canterlot, okay?"

"OKAYYYY!"

Lyra smiles, looking at Mr. Boomboom with a sort of melancholy that she could easily hide from her sister.

"I left some sandwiches in the fridge if you get hungry. The sandwiches are the only things you're allowed to eat, okay?"

"OKAYYYY!"

"Say it back to me now," Lyra says.

"EAT ALL THE SANDWICHES!"

"Close enough," she says, rising to her hooves. "Be good, Lyler. I'll be back before you know it.

Lyra grabs the bag and card, then leaves. The door closes on the Heartstrings household and a silence fills the home, leaving Lyler alone in solitude. The door slams back open.

"AND DONT YOU DARE EAT THE ALUMINUM FOIL AROUND THE SANDWICHES," Lyra screams.

"BUT ITS THE BEEESSTTT PAARRTTTTTTTTTTT"

"NO."

The door slams again as Lyler tosses the hair brush on the carpet. The challenged mare lies back on the floor and stares at the feeling. She's all alone. Again. There has to be something to do. Lyler places a hoof to her forehead and taps it.

"THINK THINK THINK."

The lightbulb above her head in the living room lamp shatters. The mare springs to her hooves and leaps towards Lyra's Lyre. She strokes the strings like something out of an erotic novel's bad foreplay scene.

"LYRA NEVER LETS ME TOUCH THE LYRE! I MAKE PRETTY MUSIC."

She strokes each individual string, listening to the different notes it produces. Lyler experiments doing different strings at different times, then frowns.

"I CAN'T PLAY RAINING BLOOD ON THIS."

She tosses the Lyre over her shoulder, and it flies out of a window of the home, colliding into the face of a baby dragon outside.

"MAYBE I CAN CALL ANERN!?!"

Lyler trots to the house phone and examines it carefully. She lifts the receiver of the phone and stares at the number carefully.

"I DONT KNOW ANERN'S NUMBER," she screams.

Finding the only rational option left, Lyler smacks her face into the phone dial several times. The phone begins to ring. Lyler squeals with glee and she puts the receiver by her head. The other end picks up.

"Hello! This is the Golden Oaks Library! My name is Twilight, how can I-"

"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ALONE!"

"W-what?"

"LIFE IS SUFFERING AND MISERABLE."

"Is... is everything okay?" Twilight asks from the other side. "Do you want to talk?"

"I DID NOT HIT HER! IT'S BULLSHIT. I DID NOT HIT HER. I DID NAHT."

"Hit who?"

"BYEBYE"

Lyler slams the phone and giggles to herself.

"THIS IS FUN."

Lyler picks up the phone again and slams her face into the phone 4 more times. The phone begins to ring once more as she snickers to herself.

"This is Dash?" Rainbow says from the other side of the line.

"HELLO."

"Uhh. Who is this?"

"THIS IS A HORSE," Lyler snickers.

"Uhm. That really narrows it down, like... not," Rainbow says.

"Who is it, Dash?" Anon says off in the distance.

"ANERN?! IS THAT YOU? ERMAHGERD"

"Oh GOD! Hang it up, NOW! NOW!"

The line goes dead.

"NO ANERN WHYYYYYY YOU WERE SOOOO YOUUUNNGGGGGG!"

Lyler hangs up the phone and picks it up again, slamming her face into the phone 4 more times.

"Hello? This is Ruby?" says a cool, feminine tone on the other side.

"YOU AREN'T ANERN. KILL YOURSELF."

Lyler forces the phone down, then sits on the floor with her hooves folded.

"WHY ARE PONIES SO MEEEAANNNN?!"

She sighs then shakes her head.

"I'MMA CALL MORE PEOPLE!"

She picks up the phone and slams her face into it. The phone dial sticks to her eyeball as the phone begins to ring.

"U-uhm. H-hello? This is Fluttershy."

Lyler breathes heavily into the microphone.

"Um. Hello? Is anypony there?"

"SEVEN DAYS."

"Uhm. Seven days until.. what, Miss scary phone person?"

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" she screams at the highest pitch possible.

"Owowowowowow," Fluttershy moans.

Lyler drops the phone and kicks her hoovesies in glee.

"I AM THE BEST AT PRANKS."

Picking up the phone again, she slams her jam and brings the phone to her ear. The ringing goes on for about 10 seconds before there's an answer.

"Uh. this is Ryan? How did I get a phone?"

"LYRA WANTS YOUR DICK."

"...Mommy?"

"FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY."

"Uh...what?"

"IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE CASKET!"

"Uhhhh...I think you mean 'basket.' It puts the lotion in the basket."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Jesus fucking Christ! My ears!"

Lyler slams the phone again, smiling her usual gleeful, vacant smile.

She dials another number.

"Hello?"

"HALLLO."

"This.. this is the Crystal Empire private line. How did you get this number?"

"I LYLER"

"... well, Lyler. This is Princess Cadance. Is there anything you need?"

"LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER LYLER!"

"Is that even a name?"

"WHY ARE YOU SO TRASH?"

"Excuse me?! I am a Princess. I am hardly-"

"WORST PRINCESS."

"Well, I can certainly understand if I'm not as well revered as Princess Twilight, Luna or Celestia, but-"

"YOU'VE LITERALLY DONE NOTHING."

"Hey, I had a baby."

"YOU'RE MOVING MOUNTAINS FOR FEMINISTIC CULTURE."

"Well, I'll say. I'll let you know that- ... Actually, nope. I've had enough."

You hear the sloppy sound of a phone trying to hang up, but not hanging up all the way.

"Now then... Miss Velvet... where were we?~"

Lyler slams the phone, eyes wide and repulsed.

"TWO MARES! GROSS. EEEWWWW."

Lyler sits on the floor, staring at the phone intently. She picks it up one more time, dialing another random number. the phone answers quickly.

"Heartstring's Residence?" echoes a gentle tone on the other side of the phone.

Lyler pauses. Then gently puts the phone back on the reciever. She picks the phone back up and dials a new number.

"Good Morning! You've reached Carousel Boutique! Where-"

"NO! THIS IS LYLER."

"Uhm, Excuse me, this is Rarity."

"NO! THIS IS LYLER."

"Rarity."

"LYLER"

"Rarity"

"RARLER"

"Larity"

"RARITY"

"Lyler."

"THATS MY NAME ARE YOU STALKING ME?!"

"Wait, what?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE YOU TERRIFYING PERSON."

Lyler hangs up the phone, snickering. She nods to herself in pride, trotting away from the phone.

"I AM THE BEST AT PRANKS. I DESERVE TO EAT SANDWICHES UNTIL I AM FOIL."

Lyler runs to the kitchen and gets out three foiled sandwiches, then runs back to the phone. She takes a big bite of the aluminum foil, and chews it intently.

"IT TASTES LIKE THE BLOOD IN MY SOUL."

Lyler picks up the phone and rolls her eyes on the keys, literally.

"HALLO THIS IS RAINBOM."

Lyler tosses the phone up in excitement.

"RAINBOM ITS LYLER"

"LYLER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"I MISSED YOU LYLER"

"I MIS YOU TOO RAINBOM ARE WE BEST FRIENDS?"

"YES."

"YAAAAYYYY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Lyler shouts.

"IM ON THE PHONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

"I AM ALSO ON THE PHONE!"

"WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON."

"BESTIES!" Lyler continues

"BESTIES."

Lyler takes a large bite of foiled sandwich.

"ARE YOU EATING FOIL?" Rainbom asks.

"YES IT IS DELICIOUS."

"FOIL IS NICE BUT I REALLY LIKE CACTUS."

"I HAVE CACTUS PET." Lyler says.

"CACTUS IS FOOD NOT PET!"

"NO! CACTUS PET! I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM. IMMA MAMA!"

The line goes silent.

"CACTUS ALIVE?"

"YAS."

"I STOP EATING CACTUS FOR YOU LYLER!" Rainbom says.

Lyler gasps, tearing up on the phoen.

"YOU MEAN IT?"

"YUS."

"I WUB YOU."

"WILL YOU TRY MY OTHER FAVORITE FOOD FOR ME?"

"I WILL EAT ALL OF THE FAVORITE FOOD."

"I LUB CHIK TENDIES," Rainbom says.

"WHAT ARE CHIK TENDIES?"

"FIND THEM. THEY ARE DELICIOUS."

"I WILL GO AND FIND THEM," Lyler says with determination.

"GO! FIND THE TENDIES!"

"BUT HOW WILL I CALL YOU AGAIN, RAINBOM?" Lyler asks.

"ROLL YOUR EYEBALLS OVER THE BUTTONS IN THE SHAPE OF A WEIRD SNAKEY SNAKE."

"OH! OKAY! I'LL REMEMBER! BYE BYE RAINBOM!"

"BYE LYLER!"

Lyler hangs up the phone and swallows the balled up foil and lettuce in her mouth. She walks to the front door and turns the doorknob.

"THE QUEST FOR THE CHIK TENDIES BEGINS..."

Guest Chapter - The Lylering by The Lunar Toaster

Author's Note

All credit goes to The Lunar Toaster.

Guest Chapter - The Lylering by The Lunar Toaster

“ANNEERRRN! COME OUUUUTT!” Lyler screams.

You’re busy hiding in the bathroom with a knife. You thought of all the times she’s scared the hell out of you, this was certainly within the top ranks of 'Holy shit, Lyler is insane'.

“AAAAAANNERRRRN!” Lyler screams more.

You keep quiet, gripping the knife. You reach into your torn pants for your phone, but there’s a huge hole in them. Fuck my life. I don’t need this shit, you think to yourself. Lyler screams your name once more before the house goes completely silent. At least when she was screaming you knew which section of the house she was in! Oh god. Where is she, where could she have gone- Your thoughts were interrupted.

“COME OUT, COME OUT! WHEREVER YOU ARE!”

You try to open the window, but it’s iced over by the raging winter storm outside. Suddenly, the doorknob rattles. Then 8 knocks come from the door. I can’t get out! Dear god!

“LEETLE PEEGS LETTLE PEEGS! LEMME CUM IN!”

You press against the side of the door, the knife in your hand.

“Not by the hair on your chinny-chin chin?” you whisper.

The knife’s textured handle stings a little. You still stay silent.

“Then I’ll huff!” Her voice raises more. “AND I’LL PUFF!” Oh god! “AND I’LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!”

Suddenly her horn smashes through the door. You begin screaming. She does this several more times before her face comes in through the door, her smile is as demented as ever.

“HEEERES LYLER!” she screams.

She begins to unlock the door. I stab the knife through her hoof. It doesn’t seem to affect her. The door bursts open.

“ANERN! MR. BOOMBOOM WANT TO GO UP YU!”

“NO! FUCK YOU!” You kick her in the chest and she smashes into the wall. You bolt out of the room, down the stairs and out of Lyra’s house.

“ANERN! WAIT FO ME!” Lyler screams.

You try to think of all the things that distract her, but you’re too busy running from Lyler to think of anything good. Suddenly, a prickly pain sensation fills your left buttcheek. You look behind you to see Lyler directly behind you trying to shove the cactus up your butt. Tears come to your eyes as you run double time. You push her head down, making her stumble and fall and you rush into your house, slamming the door violently. You grab the receiver off the wall and call Rainbow as soon as god damned possible. One ring… two rings…

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING ANERN!?” Lyler shouts in your ear. You begin to scream like a girl scout that was lured into a white van.

“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!?” you scream.

“BECAUSE PRIST LET YOU WRIT A CHAPER”

“WHO THE HELL IS THAT”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Lyler’s scream began to make your ears bleed. Her scream could be heard throughout Equestria.

You sit in the hospital bed. You had an extensive surgery to remove the cactus from your anal cavity. Somehow, they fixed what was left of your eardrums but left you with limited hearing.

Lyler however, was left scot free but was scolded by Lyra. She had told Lyler to not shove cacti into ponies’ anuses because it hurts them. She merely responded by saying; “BUT IT FEEL GOOD WHEN I PUT MR. BOOMBOOM IN MY BUTT.”

You sit in the hospital bed. You’re lower half aches with the fierceness of a thousand suns. You press on the button to give yourself another dose of morphine. You begin to drift off into a hazy sleep. Right before you pass out, you see Lyler explode through the door with Mr. Boomboom.

Huh. You think. I wonder what she’s going to do with Mr. Boomboom.

Guest Chapter - Eggies by Crunchybigfist

You wake up in a cold sweat as the sounds of morning come streaming through your bedroom window. The dream you were having is quickly fading, but you have lingering mistrust of cheese graters and a certain mint-green ponut.

Now that your day was already at a wonderful start, you rise out of bed slowly and make your ways downstairs into the kitchen to brew that godly black concoction that makes this fucky cartoon-horse world halfway bearable.

Placing the pot on the stove and adding the instant coffee, you amble over and sit down at your table and wait for it to heat up.

You allow your mind to wander to what you're going to eat, deciding that for once you don't want a cold breakfast.

“Fuck it, I haven’t had eggs in a while.” you mumble.

Stumbling back over to the stove you grab a mug and proceed to down a helping of the good stuff. You then make your way over to your fridge and discover you don't have eggs. You’re going to have to go into town and socialize with the horses.

Sighing, You head up stairs for the good old Triple S. Finishing up your daily routine you get dressed and head towards the door, and opening it you see a familiar green unicorn blur galloping full tilt towards the entrance. Shit, was she waiting for you? You weren't supposed to watch her today, she must have escaped Lyra's watch.

“ANNNNNNNNNEEEEERRRRR-!”

Acting quickly, you slam the door, but that much 'special' unicorn going that fast splinters your door frame and frees the door from both the latch and hinges, which proceeds to slam into your face, breaking your nose. The whole door and pony combo knocks you down and lands on top of you.

Groaning, you try and free yourself from this new wooden prison. You pop your bleeding head up from that edge of the door to see Lyler staring at you in confusion.

“WHY ARE YOU ON GROUD, ANERN?”

“WHAT THE FUCK LYLER, I don't have time for this shit, Get off.” You yell angrily.

“ALREADY DID, MR. BOOMBOOM FEELS GOOD!” she screams.

“THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN.”

“I'm not watching you today. I'm not dealing with your shit, Go home. I have go to the market and get eggs. Why am I telling you any of this? You don't listen anyways.”

Her ears droop but perk back up again at the mention of eggs.

“I HAVE EGGIES, ANERN!”

“From a chicken?“

“YUS, SOME!”

“...well go get me the chicken ones.” you say, trying to get her off you.

“THEY'RE RIGHT HERE”

Wat. She doesn’t own a pair of saddlebags. You know, you've checked. Your nose is still bleeding.

“Where are they?” you ask apprehensively.

She proceeds to turn around on top of the ruined door and show you her ass.

“HERE, MY TUMMY HAS EGGIES”

With dawning horror you look on helplessly as her asshole flexes and a dribble of semi-clear and yellowish-red fluid exits her pucker. You did it, You've found the eggies.

"OH FUCK NO, WAI-” you scream.

Too late, a torrent of shit, blood and broken eggs, pieces of egg shells and all, come roaring out of her horrid ponut engulfing your head and neck. You gag and choke as you feel it rushing up your broken nose flushing your sinuses with the unimaginably putrid mix Your gagging forces your mouth open involuntarily and your oral cavity is also filled the caustic juices of equine terror.

This is it.

This is the end.

This is how you die.

You can see darkness creeping at the edges of your vision as consciousness leaves you. Lyler is still atop you, expelling her bowels.

Guest Chapter - Lyler's Inception by Vylon

You are lying on your bed, trying to sleep. Thoughts about your current predicament keep you from drifting off to the land of dreams. How did you even get roped into taking care of Lyler? It's no use pondering about it. It's just how it is right now. Thinking about it will not change things. You just have to accept whatever happens in this magical world of equines.

You sigh, staring out of the window into the dark of the starlit sky. You silently thank Luna. Tonight's display of celestial lights is calming and helps set your mind at ease. You count each star from the comfort of your bed, briefly imagining what it would be like to be in the endless void of space, feeling no mortal needs and content to just offer your light to them that set their eyes upon you. It would certainly be better than dealing with Lyler.

You scan the sky for other stars, and your eyes are captivated by one near the right frame of your window. It is larger and brighter and glows with twinkling luminescence. You stare at it, and it appears to be glowing brighter still. You squint your eyes, watching as the star seems to be coming closer.

Wait. It is coming closer!

Your exhausted mind tries to comprehend what is happening as the star enters your room through the open window. You sit up, gaping at the ball of light that has just intruded into your private chambers. What is it doing here? Has it come to finally grant your wish of getting out of this place?

You stare at the star in anticipation. Its prismatic light dims, and you can now keep an eye on it with less strain on your eyes. It begins to roam the room, pausing for a moment near every object before moving on to the next. You study it questioningly. It appears to be looking for something, but what?

You watch intently as the star finally takes notice of you and slowly approaches your unmoving form. It stops at arm’s length in front of your chest. Its globule surface shimmers with the glitter of its radiance. You feel that it is telling you something. The star stays there, glints of light dancing on its form, but the meaning is lost on you. The mesmerizing lightshow beckons you to reach for it. The secret of the universe might be within this shining orb, the knowledge of origins encased in this very sphere.

You cautiously raise an arm towards the star. You feel the power of its aura surging as your hand draws nearer. The feeling is intense. A wave of force flows through you as you cup it in your hand. Your eyes are enlightened by the effigy of truth in your grasp. You finally understand the purpose of its arrival. This has the power to give-

*BANG*

You snap your head to the noise in shock. The star shoots up from your hand. The door flies from its hinges and a familiar mint-green unicorn sails across the room and splats on the opposite wall. Silence fills the room as time seems to freeze, the scene captured consists of you staring at Lyler stuck to your wall, the star almost absent with light, and… You think you just broke your neck. Fucking Lyler.

“HI, ANERN! DO YOU HAVE CHICK TENDIES?”

You calmly look at your charge with a collected expression. It wouldn’t do to get angry at such an innocent mare, even if her mental health is worse than power-hungry clowns. Or even after she just destroyed the fourteenth replacement of your bedroom door. It’s not her fault after all. Taking a deep breath to steady your nerves, you slowly open your mouth to voice your disapproval.

“NO, LYLER. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND SLEEP!”

“NO U. LOOK! I’M SILLY FILLY, ANERN!”

You look at Lyler, and she indeed looks silly. Her chin, neck, and chest slide along the floor, dragging her forelegs as her rear stick up and her hind legs push her across your floor. It would have been cute if her eyes weren’t twitching in every direction and her slobbering mouth coating the floor she mops her body with. Now you have to clean your floor with hydrochloric acid. Again. There goes your remaining hours of sleep. You also need to stop the sound her coat is making against your wooden floor as it sounds much like squeaking styrofoam.

You glance up at the star quivering against your ceiling. Its light ebbs in an unsteady rhythm. Rigid motions indicate that it is ready to move at an instance. The star appears to be genuinely scared. You close your eyes and shake your head in sympathy. Lyler has that effect on people.

The squeaking that makes you want to tear your ears off stops and is replaced by nomming.

You turn your sight back at Lyler, now chewing her tail by bending backwards. How is that even possible? You’re actually impressed by her flexibility. Looking at her induces your mind to try and imagine the various impossible positions she can do with that kind of bendable spine. No, boner. Daddy is not calling for you.

Before you can even react, the star brightly flashes and dives towards you. Your eyes register a bright, blurred streak of light as the star speeds with the momentum of a fired bullet in front of your face, down your torso, and onto its target. Your crotch.

You let out a manly grunt of pain. It definitely didn’t sound like a crow getting crushed by a baseball bat. The star briefly pulls back and starts jackhammering into your crotch. Your eyes roll back into the back of your head. Wait. What’s that sound? It sounds like a pig being gelded. It must be coming from Lyler of course, not you.

High-pitched squealing fills the room as your virginity is taken. The star is actually your first time, and first times are supposed to hurt. You take it like a man, not a pussy. But pussies can take violent poundings. You are now convinced you are a pussy, not a man.

“MUNG TIME, ANERN!”

Tears form in your eyes as you experience the best lay in your life, barely seeing Lyler spring from the floor and hurtle towards you at the speed of blue hedgehogs. Into your crotch. The sound that comes out of you could only be described as an ecstatic moan. You totally felt heavenly bliss from that impact.

You hear the crackle of frizzling sparks coming from your crotch, emitted by the star sandwiched between the two of you. Lyler shoves her hips into yours, and the crackling dies. It must have been forced into Lyler’s forbidden hole. Who knows how many kinds of things have been there? You felt really sorry for the star as it gets swallowed into the depths of Lyler’s abyss. May it know true horror upon the entry therein.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

You don’t even know if Lyler is screaming in pain or pleasure at the penetration of the star whose girth is obviously thicker than your noodle dick. Knowing this horse, it might actually because she just wants to.

You feel a headache forming as you try to understand the creature whose existence should not even be. You really need to stop overthinking things, Anon. It’s not good for you. See? Lyler’s belly is now bulging and it’s all your fault.

You stare, wide-eyed, at Lyler’s increasingly growing belly. You push the still screaming Lyler off, and she spasms on the ground like she’s being electrocuted. A flailing hoof hits your side and breaks a rib.

Shit, Lyler. Aim for the skull next time.

You wonder what the hell the star did to Lyler. Her midsection balloons at an alarming rate, and you don’t know why or what to do.

“IMMA PREGNANT! ANERN, WATCH!” Lyler screams at you from the floor. She has fallen and can’t get up. Why the hell does she sound happy?

You are absolutely mortified as Lyler’s belly ripples like an amoeba. Yes, it even juts out protrusions, snaking outwards like tentacles trying to grasp something. What the fuck? Lyler giggles through it all, clearly enjoying having her stomach distended. What a pleasant sound, her giggles are. They sound like a pack of heaving hyenas.

Lyler’s bloated belly still continues to expand to dangerous levels. You begin to realize that if this continues, Lyler will explode.

Your eyes grow wider than your mom’s ass at the realization, and you start to tremble. You shift your gaze left and right as you desperately think of what to do. You need to do something! Something that will stop what the star did to her! That’s right! The star! You need to pull the star out of her! It might stop Lyler from dying of explosive seppuku!

You nod your head in determination. You know what you must do.

You are going to check Lyler’s pussy.

I don’t know how you have come up with that, but it’s what makes sense to your stupid intelligence.

You hurriedly get off your bed and kneel beside Lyler between her splayed thighs. Your logic dictates that you grab the star and yank it out of Lyler as soon as possible. Your arm is aimed and ready. Deep into Lyler will be where your arm be.

That is, until you actually look at where you’re aiming.

You are Anonymous, the man of unknown origin who have laid his eyes upon the heart of Lyler’s femininity. You consider yourself blessed by the gods of randomness, for what you now see before you have roused the manliness that have been slumbering within you.

It is without perverse intention that you have beheld Lyler’s root of all evil. None at all. You just have been enraptured by how plump her cunt appears to be. It quivers with the excitement of a small filly, and you feel all the built-up panic you have before vanish into disbelief. Oh, how long have you since been enthused by a female’s most sacred parts!

You hear Lyler titter at thy astonished expression, and thy countenance falls even further as her vulva wiggles along with her giggles.

A sudden urge to reach out and massage that smooth, yielding flesh fills your very being, and you do your best to fight off the unreasonable desire to do so. Your mind comments: ‘Dat some mad pussy skillz, yo.’

Her marehood winks at you, and your heart skips a beat. The motion delicately opens her opening as if it were a blooming flower, ripe in its season and exhibiting the beauty of its splendor. The intricate folds are slick, wet with the tears of her core, and pink like a chrysanthemum in spring. Her clitoris peeks out of its fleshly abode, the tender nub protruding out with nary a hint of tension before returning into the carnal embrace of its clandestine home.

You blush like a sunburned testicle. You just have been eloquently describing a horse wink. Anon~ Just how depraved are you?~

You take notice of the scars on her crotch, and your mind brings up an image of a cactus. It’s not just any cactus, either.

It’s Mr. Boom Boom.

You shudder. There’s just something… wrong about the potted cactus that Lyler claims she gave birth to, and you know Lyler; she might actually have given birth to it. You don’t think you can even imagine what Lyler does not do to the cactus. Come to think of it… Wouldn’t it be incest, since she usually shoves it back into-

You shake off the disturbing thoughts before you start questioning your life again. Despite the physical evidence of her questionable relationship with Mr. Boomboom, Lyler’s marehood is a perfect specimen, a paragon, of the pony female genitalia. No shit. Lyler has the most beautiful horse pussy you’ve seen in horseland. You were actually expecting something traumatizing.

Now, you can’t refrain from looking at Lyler as a mare. You have never noticed before, but her figure is formed like it was sculpted by the gods themselves. The muscles of her thighs are well-toned, flexes beautifully against her flesh, and makes you realize just how much a slob you’ve become. Damn, you need exercise. You look at Lyler, then back to yourself. You’re a fatass now.

You marvel at how generously endowed and supple her butt is, the jiggle of her rump just slight enough to be noticed but not too pronounced. You’re sure that it will be illegal if any female back home had this kind of ass, outright surpassing even butt-flashing models.

Your eyes trace upward along Lyler’s body. Her expanded belly lobes smoothly towards her chest, rippling now and then to show off its firm, but flexible surface. Her breathing is uneven and abnormal, but it takes your attention to the strength of her chest. You delight in the way the fur of her coat complements her voluptuous, flowing curves.

You can’t believe just how alluring Lyler really is, and you molest her with your eyes to your heart’s content. You don’t think even Princess Celestia has this kind of sensually attractive figure.

You bring your eyes to Lyler’s face to see her staring at you. She wears the same crooked, manic grin you usually see on her in a daily basis, the corner of one side of her lips curled upwards.

I-Is she smirking?

Her eyes connect with yours, and you feel the same sense of wondering you’re giving her reflected at you from those orbs, even as they twitch out of focus periodically. Her ears flick adorably at seeming random, and you restrain the urge to pet her and scratch her ears. Lyler tilts her head and flicks her eyes downward for a moment before returning her gaze on you. The gesture reminds you of the current situation.

Your eyes return to her delicate flower. A drop of her lubricant pools at the bottom of her flushed opening, traces along her quivering lips, and grazes her puckered butthole before dripping on the floor below. A thin line of drool leaks from your mouth, and you quickly catch yourself before you actively slaver over Lyler.

You quietly whimper. Aside from her bizarre personality and repulsive antics, Lyler is actually very easy on the eyes.

No, Anon! Lyler is not sexy!

Yes, tell that to yourself all you want, Anon. Your saluting dick is making itself very clear that it is a horse fucker and disagrees.

You look at your crotch, glowering at the traitorous boner. You decide you’ll just have to punish it later for being a bad little penis.

Your dick throbs even harder.

Ignoring your most recent discoveries about yourself and Lyler, you return to the task at hand. Your hand curls into a fist and is now prepared to enter Lyler and fish out the star. You are about to reach into her when you are stopped by her voice.

“You’ve made a mistake.” Lyler whispers to you solemnly.

What?

“What-“

Bad move, Anon.

The moment you open your mouth, any words you are about to say are lost as you see her marehood convulse, her lover lips briefly pulling inward before explosively popping outward. You barely even register the display before thick, sticky gunk spray at your face and coating it in liquids that smell like bleach and chloroform mixed with the contents of a septic tank.

Your muscles immediately tense and your body freezes at the sudden onslaught of ungodly fluids. Your eyes burn as the acidic grime blinds your sight, and some of it gets into your still-open mouth.

You gasp at the sensation of crushed snails on your tongue, and the intake of breath sucks more of the slime into your nostrils and throat. A trickle of the fluids gets into your lungs, making you cough, hack, and splutter. You involuntarily swallow some of it, and the taste of rotten egg and bloody mucus forever stains your taste buds.

Your stomach angrily churns as it receives the unholy concoction, bile and gastric acid rising in protest.

Spurting sounds fill your ears as liters of Lyler’s bloody pus continue to rain upon you. The discharge of Lyler’s innards run down your head like maple syrup poured on an ice cream scoop, dripping onto your clothes that will never be clean again.

Your mind and body cannot take the violation of each of its senses anymore and ejects the horrid mixture that you have managed to ingest. You pitifully vomit onto your already soiled floor with a soulless groan, silently lamenting the floor that even laboratory chemicals will never sanitize ever again.

You shakily raise your arm to wipe off your ruined face, but you are again stopped in doing anything.

You hear a loud, squelchy pop directly in front of you, and a rubbery, fleshy object hits your face with the force of an obese neckbeard belly-flopping into a kiddie pool. The impact harshly throws you backward, and the abrupt shift of position from kneeling to lying down hammers your head into the floor.

“Ouch,” you say, totally unfazed.

Your vision whites out in an instant.

More noises of pops, splats, and bounces can be heard as you lie on the floor in a daze. You stay like that for a few more moments until you can open your eyes without seeing the room swirl around in vertigo-induced disorientation by blunt force trauma applied to the cerebellum.

Once you’re sure you don’t need a medic anymore, you immediately and frantically wipe your face. It’s not enough. Gooey strands block your vision when you try to open your eyes, and sticky bubbles pop from your nostrils every time you breathe.

You get up on all fours and clumsily crawl toward your bed. You need the covers to wipe your face. It’s the only fabric that is still left uncontaminated by Lyler’s discharge. You don’t care if it’s the last spare you currently have. What matters now is that your face gets cleaned. You can request for replacements again from Rarity later, anyway. That girl is too generous to refuse.

That’s right. Take advantage of people’s integrity, you shitstain and oxygenstealer.

You reach your bed, and you waste no time grabbing the covers and wiping your face. The noises are still there. Tossing the irredeemable cloth aside, you finally turn around and open your eyes to see what’s going on.

No amount of dealing with Lyler’s shit can prepare you for what you are seeing now.

Tiny horses that can only be described as miniature Lylers are littered on the floor. More of these mini Lylers continuously launch out from Lyler, accompanied by squelching sounds and shower performances of her fluids. You watch in horrified fascination as Lyler’s divine cunt repeatedly crown with the head of a mini unicorn before blasting out the foal-clone like a regurgitating tailed beast, bouncing the newborn off the wall before splatting on the floor like a pancake.

What makes it worse is that all the mini Lylers across the room are also doing the same. Their bellies expand to proportions larger than themselves before their undeveloped wombs agonizingly push the unholy bulges, stretching their cute little coochies into terrifying maws of flesh before popping out more identical copies of themselves. Lyler and her mini-me’s coo and moan amidst the madness. Why in fucking hell are they cooing?!

You can’t take it anymore. You don’t know what the fuck this is! There’s no way you can handle dozens more of Lylers! You do the best thing you always do.

You scream like a schoolgirl about to be raped.

Instantly, the room falls into deathly silence.

Oops.

Nothing breathes. The room is enclosed in harrowing stillness. Goosebumps form and crawl in your skin at the sight of the unmoving forms of unicorns scattered on your floor, frozen the moment your cry rang out. Your palms become sweaty. Your knees turn weak. Your arms feel heavy. Your lungs seize a sharp intake of breath when a hint of movement returns to the motionless room.

Lyler and the minis slowly turn their head toward you. You remain where you are, stock-still, as you witness some of them twist their heads in multiple four-twenty-degree rotations. A hair-raising chill shoots up your spine when they finally stop wringing their necks, facing you with blank, ghastly expressions. To say that this is unsettling is an understatement. Demented spawns gaze into your soul with beaded eyes, condemning your spirit into a lifetime of trauma. Silence lingers, and you arere spared a few more moments before the consequence of your scream comes to fruition.

The aberrations of nature let loose a unified scream, shaking the room in agonizing, bone-rattling, earsplitting screeches of torment.

”RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“

“AAAH! FUCK!”

You scream alongside them, cupping your bleeding ears with both hands. Rationality drains as you writhe on the floor in agony. You need to make them shut the fuck up! You shoot up from your fetal position and mindlessly grab the nearest heavy object you can use as a crushing weapon.

You grab the nearby wardrobe and lift it up. You are actually amazed by your strength, and you pumplift it a few more times to test your power. No, that’s just the adrenaline. Stop daydreaming, you shut-in faggot.

Still screaming like a 60-year-old virgin hermit finally getting laid and ejaculating in mere seconds, you rampage across the room, smashing the Lylers left and right. Your tongue flaps about as you swing the wardrobe around you like it’s the love of your life. Your mind is clouded by pain and desperation, and all you care about is crushing all of these pests.

You smash the mini Lylers without pause. Their guts and bodily fluids splatter about the room. You don’t care if you’re killing what can essentially be considered as babies, the temples of young, living souls. You only care about not having to deal about your new responsibility of taking care of these innocent Lylers. Look at how much of a monster you’ve become, Anon. Think straight. Compare yourself to genocidal dictators.

However, the Lylers don’t stop coming, and they don’t stop coming from Lyler, and Lyler doesn’t stop coming.

“ANERN!~ AAAAAHHHN~ I CAN FEL IT MOVING INSIDE MEEE!~”

My god, she sounds just like your favorite cartoon porn magazines.

You do your best to ignore the moans. You know that as long as Lyler keeps spawning these abominations, it wouldn’t end for you or anyone. You steel your resolve. You have only one way to stop the next apocalypse. You know what must be done, for the best way to stop a plague is to destroy the source.

Is tiem 4 srs bsns.

You walk slowly towards Lyler who stares at you with innocent eyes, unaware of the debauchery you have planned to do. You feel crushed by the fact you are about to ruin Lyler’s amazing figure, but this must stop. It is for the greater good.

You feel your eyes water. Your heart aches, but you carry on. Tears run down your face and fall from your chin as you breathe out the most painful apology you have to utter in your life.

“I’m sorry, Lyler…”

You raise your weapon to prepare to deliver the blow. This is it. You squeeze your eyes shut, silently weeping for the crime you’re about to commit. You are strong, and you will do this for the salvation of everyone. When people look back to what you’ve done, they will see how you’ve been a hero for them.

Your arms tense as you begin to bring down the coup de grace.

“Anon?! WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME ARE YOU DOING TO MY SISTER?!”

Your eyelids fly open, and you drop your weapon in shock. The wardrobe drops on your head, bringing you down with it as you see stars for an indefinite moment of time before you recover. You awkwardly get up and spin around to the door with a flabbergasted expression.

You see Lyra standing at the doorway between the doorframe of your doorless door, her expression etched with seething anger and her horn glowing intensely. Oh shit. You quickly glance around the room and realize what this must look right now. You wave your arms hysterically and hold them out to her in a placating gesture.

“I-It isn’t what it looks like!”

Sorry, Anon. The unicorn you are trying to pacify is blinded by rage at the moment. Please, try again later.

A blunt blow stealthily hits the back of your head.

Your vision becomes hazy. You lose control of your limbs and you fall to the floor in a heap. Blinking away your clouded sight, you watch Lyra trot over to Lyler and whisper assurances to her. She walks up to you and fixes you a glare. You can’t do anything but stare back mutedly as you lie down on the floor in a puddle of unspeakable liquids. You and Lyra stare at each other’s eyes for a minute before you close your eyes and succumb to unconsciousness.

You wake up with a headache.

You look around, and this does not seem to be your room. Plain white walls surround a single bed on which you are now lying on. There’s a table with a cup of black liquid, a plate filled with what you assume is food, and a stack of what looks like books and a newspaper. A ray of sunshine comes in through a single window and stops on a metal door.

You hear a latch audibly click, and the metal door creaks open. A unicorn enveloped in a magic bubble enters, and the door slams back with a deafening clang.

“I see that you are awake now, sir,” the beige unicorn mare dressed in uniform states, “I am Officer Do Magics, and you are under custody in Pony Prison for charges of rape, multiple homicide, and improper use of furniture. Your trial will be at sunset. You are expected to be in your best behavior throughout the trial, or you are automatically deducted 500 Good Boy Points and withheld dessert for your entire sentence. Do you understand?”

Wait, so you are in prison? Also, what kind of system is this?!

“Look, I don’t really-“

“You have the right to remain silent, sir,” Officer Do Magics interrupts, “Please save any statements you have for the court. Any words you say can and will be used against you. Now, please eat your breakfast. I’ve been reheating that for three hours.”

True to her name, Officer Do Magics did the magics, and your breakfast is now piping hot again. She leaves without another word and closes the door with another annoying clang.

Sighing, you move towards the table and pick up the newspaper. You read the headliner:

“PONYVILLE: A QUARANTINE FOR LYLERS”

Welp, at least you tried.

Tendie Quest 1

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Tendie Quest 2

"There. My shit is done for today. I can go home. Rest and just... detox for while. No more Lyler. No more-"

Those are the last words you said before you were mercilessly glomped by a horse. Lyler leaps upon your leg and clings for dear life. You look down at the horse, how stares up at you in pure, unadulterated excitement.

"ANERN. WE GOTSTA GET CHICK TENDIES!" Lyler yells in the only way she knows how.

You shake your leg, and not as in the colloquialism to hurry up. Rather, you do your best to get this fucking horse off your leg.

"We're going to the supermarket, Anon. You're coming," says Lyra flatly. "We can actually afford groceries now."

"Why the fuck do I have to come?" you ask. It's a pretty reasonable question, in your opinion.

"YOU'RE A PLENTY GOOD FELLA!" says Lyler.

"You keep Lyler from attacking random people in broad daylight. Can you imagine what she's like in a cereal aisle?" Lyra responds, as if her sister never screamed.

You place a hand over your face.

"Goddamnit. I just want to go home and cry myself to sleep, like every other night."

"BUT TENDIE QUEST, ANERN!" Lyler yells.

"I'll make it worth your while," Lyra says.

You look down to the seafoam green horses. From Lyler's overexcitable... everything, to Lyra's unreadable expression.

"Sexual favors?" you ask Lyra.

"Don't make this weird, Anon," she says.

"DON'T BE GROSS, ANERN."

"FUCKIN. THIS?! THIS IS THE FUCKING GROSSEST THING THAT WE'VE DONE?! A FUCKING- No. Never mind. I'm just going to regret it," you say, resigning yourself to your fate. "Fine. Let's go to the store."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Lyler screams.

You follow Lyra throughout town as Lyler continues to cling to your legs and gently hump you. At this point, this is the least surprising thing you've had to deal with so far. Now you're going to have to deal with Lyler in a supermarket, which is going to be it's own special level of hell.

When you get outside the super market, you grab a cart. Then Lyler hops in it. You open your mouth to Protest, but Lyra holds up a hoof, indicating it's better to not even bother. Instead, she grabs a second cart and the two of you enter the store.

Grocery stores in Equestria aren't too much different from the ones you've experienced on Earth, with the exception of the lack of a butcher in most areas. Some areas closer to carnivorous populations, such as Diamond Dog societies or Yaks, have a butcher or at least some frozen meats, otherwise, those are things you have to pick up from pet stores. Luckily for you, there's a Diamond Dog society that's not too far away from Ponyville, so this particular Ponyville store keeps some basic meats in their freezers.

This of course then brings up the topic that ate you alive for over a month in Ponyville. Ponies and meat. Horses don't eat meat. These fucking ponies never seem to shock you though. They are able to eat meat. They don't typically enjoy it though, because of their aversion to hurting animals. And it doesn't give them very many nutrients. The fucking point is, Lyler is fucking weird, and eats chicken tenders. Alright? Are we okay now? Alright? Alright.

You lean against the shopping cart, sighing to yourself as you follow Lyra through the store. And where better to start than the produce. You set your eyes on a basket of local Sweet Apple Acres apples when you spy something out of the corner of your eye.

Is that... is that Rainbow Dash? Oh yeah. It definitely is. And.

Oh fuck she has-

"RAAAINNN BOOOMMMMMMM!" Lyler screams, leaping out of the cart and into a heap on the dirty linoleum.

The rainbow monstrosity turns to Lyler, and Rainbow Dash gasps once she sees you. Before the poor pegasus can react, Rainbom pushes the whole shopping cart over, spilling the contents onto the floor and ruining most of the goods.

"LYYYLEERRRRRRR! I LOOVEE YOUUU" Rainbom sings as she charges.

"DO YOU HAVE POTATO?!" Lyler says as she rises to her hooves and leaps towards the malformed sister of Rainbow Dash.

"I HAVE SEVEN POTATO!"

The two lock themselves in each other's embrace as if the two hadn't seen each other in years, despite having to endure one of their play dates yesterday. You'd feel slightly touched, but Lyler dug her head into the sandbox, and Rainbom thought she died. When she came back out, they did the same thing again, and traumatized Snips and Snails. While you're thinking of it, you should ask Snail's mom when he's getting that cast off.

You walk up to the forbidden love and pry the two apart, dragging Lyler back to her own story and universe.

"Alright you two. Come on, we have to keep going or else this will never end."

"WE RIDE AT DAWN! BRING POTATO!" Lyler says.

You lift Lyler up like a cat and dump her into the shopping cart, and rejoin Lyra over by the carrots.

Tendie Quest 3

Lyra carefully examines two nearly identical bundles of carrots as Rainbow pushes Rainbom toward a basket of Pineapples. Luckily, Rainbom seems to be distracted quickly by the forest green stallion who is throwing the pineapples across the whole store in a blind fury. You'd stop to seriously examine the situation, but you have way more important things to worry about. So, fuck that enigma of a situation, let's get back to the real cancer.

"Please tell me you only need a few things," you mutter. "I don't think I can take a week's worth of groceries."

"Then you're in luck. We buy for the month," Lyra says, deciding on the bundle that appears 'orangier' to her.

"Hooray."

"HOORAAAAYYYY!" chimes in Lyler, not picking up your sarcasm.

"Is there anything I can do to help speed this up then?" you ask.

"Yeah. Why don't you go to dairy and pick up milk and butter?"

"THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MILK. GOT MILK?" screams the horse in your shopping cart.

"Fine, I'll get those and meet you... Where?"

"Cereal," Lyra says.

"OH. Great. The perfect place to take a re-"

"You're saving me from having to take her to the family planning aisle," Lyra says, casting you a dirty look. "Do you understand?"

Suddenly your mind breaks away to Lyler in a grocery store with a box of condoms broken open. She has condoms wrapped around every limb of her body, as well as shoved in every orifice, screaming 'IMMA BALLOON ANIMAL"

"Yes. I do."

"Then go, and I'll meet you in cereal."

With a sigh, you turn the cart towards dairy and watch as Lyler attempts to do a somersault in the shopping cart. Except, Lyler seems to fail to realize that she is a fully grown pony and keeps ending up getting stuck in the basket with her ass in your face. You do your best to look away, like a good little Lyra slave... But Goddamn man, Lyler's goods are within smelling distance. And that's not saying you want to look at it. It's like when you smell something so revolting and devoid of any common decency, that you feel the need to figure out exactly what it is. In this case, you can't help but look at Lyler's Brown stained ponut because it smells like she diced up skunk children and used them as an enema.

Once you've helped Lyler get up for the Seventh time, and you're sure you're never going to heaven, you finally make it back to dairy. And you've even set a new record. Only three foals threw up.

You make your way to the butter rack, and grab a block. You toss it in the basket and make your way over to the milk. But, Lyler takes the butter and throws it on the ground.

You stop and stare at the horse in the cart, who states back at you, her tongue absent-mindedly hanging out.

"No. Bad Horse" you say.

"OVERUSED REFERENCE ANON. SHIT POST BUTTER."

"Wait. What? Nevermind. Fuck you. Butter in the basket," you say, picking up the bar of butter and putting it in the shopping cart.

"HOSE AGAAAAINNNN, " she says, grabbing the butters and throwing it at a white mare in purple glasses examining the sour cream.

You growl at her, but lucky for you, you are a meme expert. You've grown to learn her fucked up way of life. You know she's making a Silence of the Ewes reference. So, without another word, you walk to the beauty section, flipping off Lyra as you walk past family planning, grab a bottle of lotion, then return to the cart before Lyler has an existential crisis.

You put the lotion into the fucking basket.

"I put the lotion in the fucking basket," you say to her.

She stares at you blankly as if trying to process the information.

Then, silently, she hops out of the shopping cart.

Have you ever felt the silence before something really bad happened? That tense feeling in the air? The way your hair stands on the back of your neck?

Lyler turns on the spot and walks toward the white mare in purple glasses. You shake your head and put the butter in the cart again.

Lyler stares at the mare, unblinking as she approaches her. The mare listens to music through a set of headphones, completely unaware to Lyler's approach.

The mare stands in front of a milk refrigerator, examining each of the sell by dates in each gallon. Lyler rises to her back two hooves before she bellows to the store.

"I WILL NOT BE OUT MEME'D!"

The mare turns in horror, her sunglasses sliding down to reveal crimson red eyes. But Lyler works quickly. She strikes the mare down and pulls a gallon of milk from the cooler.

"W-what are you doing?!" Vinyl Scratch screams.

"BEST SHIP!" she screams before slamming the gallon down on Vinyl's snout.

Instantly, like popping a grape, blood shoots out of her nose in two clean trickles. Vinyl opens her mouth to scream in pain, but Lyler exceeds the realm of your belief by opening the gallon of milk, and shoving the action end of the gallon in Vinyl's milkhole. The gallon pours down the DJ pony's throat steadily as you rush over to pull the crazy horse away.

"LYLER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

"MILKING THIS JOKE!"

You grab the horse and shove her back in the cart. You pull the gallon out of Vinyl's mouth and the white fluid quickly spills out all over the mare's body like she's been the recent victim of a weird bukkake session where all of the stallions were a bit too hydrated. Vinyl lies on the floor in a panting, sticky wreck.

You grab a gallon of milk, throw it in the cart and hurry off before you can get in trouble.

Author's Note

Omfg

Tendie Quest 4

"Alright, listen, we have to go get back to Lyra. Can we please not maim anyone on our way back?" you ask.

"NOOOO PRAWMISES!" screams Lyler, sitting in the grocery cart once more.

Realizing that's the best answer you're going to get, you walk down the remainder of the dairy aisle, taking notice of a surprising face. To your surprise, Queen Chrysalis herself is before you, in the flesh. To your surprise, she doesn't seem to want to murder or corrupt anything. Not for now, anyway. Surprisingly. Her shopping cart is entirely filled with tubs of mozzarella cheese balls suspended in oil. You walk slowly past her as she studies a small electronic device in her hand.

"I swear I have that text message for the cheese sale somewhere," she mutters to herself.

You walk by, trying not to cause a scene. To your surprise, even Lyler is on her best behavior.

That is, until you turn the corner.

"SHE HAS MY VOICE!"

"Lyler, shut the fuck up. Everyone gets it. This story is circlejerky enough as it is."

"Are you breaking the fourth wall again, Anon?" Lyra asks, pushing her cart down the aisle to you. "How many times have I told you that you need to cut that shit out?"

"Lyler started it," you grumble.

"WE DIDN'T STAAARRT THE FIIIREEEEE."

"Whatever. Sis, I have a question for you," Lyra says. "I got two of your favorite cereals which do you want. Ghosteos or Honey Drops."

"GHOSTIES!" Lyler yells in pure glee, rocking back and forth in the cart. "CAN I HOLD THE BOX?!"

Lyra hands the cereal box to her, and then turns to place the other option back on the shelf.

"ANERN!"

You look down to the horse in your shopping cart in exasperation as she holds the box up to you.

"GUESS WHAT?!"

"What?" you ask, fearing the answer.

Suddenly, Lyler swings the box directly at your face. Without even a second to move, the cardboard directly collides with your nose, and you feel a pop just below your eye socket, like popping a grape. A trickle of blood trickles down your nose steadily.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" you shout, turning the attention of the grocery store customers. Oh. Wait. Sorry. Grocery store GUESTS. Fuck man. When you work retail for 2-3 years, they just pour some of this shit into you. But you fucking tell me, if someone fucking takes a shit in the baby food aisle at 11PM, when you were supposed to get off at 10:30PM, and you're forced to clean that shit up when you have to go to school for a final the next day, I think they lose the right to be called a guest. That's just me.

... oh right. I had a joke.

Lyler looks up to you proudly.

"GHOSTFACERS!" she yells.

You turn on the spot and begin to walk. Nope. Fuck this. Fuck this shit. Fuck ALLL of this. You'd rather walk right back to dairy and do your best to see what happens when you decide to talk to the black and white human that's hiding behind the yogurt, singing some weird song.

"Anon, where do you think you're going?" Lyra calls back to you.

Then you remember that you're kinda forced to do this.

"Counting the number of tiles in the aisle," you sigh under your breath.

"THERE'S 87. I COUNTED," Lyler yells.

"Of course you'd know, Lyler," you growl at her.

"Wow, Anon. Rude. There are mean jokes, but that's a whole new low. You should feel bad for even thinking of that joke."

Flutterpriest sighs and opens a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label.

"I remember when I used to write good stories."

"Can we please, just... move on? What do we need to get next?" you ask.

Lyra moves her glance over to the next aisle.

"Oh, easy. Next we need to go get some pasta."

"SPAGHETTI!" Lyler yells. "HOOVES ARE SWEATY. KNEES WEAK."

"Yeah, we get it," you say, leaning on the cart in resignation. "Mom's Spaghetti. Har. Har Har."

Lyler turns and looks at you blankly. Lyra stares at you shaking her head.

"My spaghetti," Lyra says. "Lyra's Spaghetti. Do you want to turn this into an edge-fest?"

"LYRAS SPAGHEEETTTIII!" Lyler screams joyfully, as if snapping out of a trance.

You feel as if some important, but unnecessary plot point was just completely glazed over, but you shake your head. Turning your cart around, you move along to the next aisle.

Tendie Quest End

And so the trip continued. Lyler would storm from aisle to aisle, harassing pony after pony until finally you've reached the final aisle of the store. Frozen food.

You take a deep breath and push the Lyler carriage, dubbed the "LEEMURZEEN" by Lyler herself, and follow Lyra down the aisle.

"Alright," said the responsible older sister. "Last thing, then we're done. Just need to get some Chicken Tenders and-"

"CHICK TENDIES!?!"

Across the store you here an echo from another challenged horse, and quickly cover Lyler's ears to prevent a shouting contest. You don't want a repeat of the last aisle where Rainbom and Lyler screamed at each other like dogs in a neighborhood for 10 minutes.

"Yes," you say in exasperation. "It's the last thing, then I can go home and practice my rope tying skills to make a noose."

"SILLEY ANERN, MAKING KNOTS WONT PUT YOU ON THE TELEVISION!"

"Yeah, but it'll put me out of my fucking misery."

"Oh, stop your whining," Lyra says. "The only thing that's been painful about this grocery trip is how long it's taken. I swear I should have just come myself."

"Sounds like your sex life," you mutter.

"UP TOP!" Lyler screams lifting a hoof. You quickly bump it with pride.

"Yeah, and this grocery trip is like yours. Long, boring and a waste of time," Lyra shoots back.

Lyler laughs at the top of her lungs as you growl under your breath in frustration. After a moment, Lyra stops in the aisle, then turns to her sister.

"Alright Lyler, your cue. Pick out the tendies you want."

Lyler somersaults out of the cart in the most awkward, painful looking way possible, then crawls to the freezer door. She opens it up and tries to climb the shelves like a ladder, but falls backward onto her back.

"No Lyler," Lyra says. "Remember. We have to practice our magic if we want tendies."

"Oh shit, this is gonna be good," you say, leaning on the cart.

Lyler rises to her hooves and takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes and her horn begins to glow a gentle seafoam green. She lifts an eye-lid and focuses on one of the bags of tenders on the top shelf. A shaky, dim light appears around the edge of one of the bags, and it lifts into the air slowly.

"That's good," Lyra says happily. "Can you put it in the cart?"

Lyler hums quietly then slowly turns her head, the bag moving with it. A bead of sweat runs down her forehead as her cheeks begin to turn a light shade of purple. Her teeth grind as the bag moves slowly towards the shopping cart. Then, she exhales, and the bag begins to fall to the ground.

It's quickly caught by her big sister’s outstretched hoof.

"Really good, Lyler! You did even better than last time."

You open your eyes in amazement. To your shock, nobody is dead. In fact, you looked up and down the aisle, and there wasn't even scorch marks. You didn't think Lyler could use magic. Let alone do something like this. You stop to look at the mare and you notice something off about her. She doesn't have her signature smile and 'blepped out' tongue. She looks almost... crestfallen. She remains silent as Lyra places a hoof around her sister's back.

"Hey, you'll get it next time! Magic is really, really hard stuff. And I'm so, so proud of how far you've come lately," Lyra says.

A smile begins to form on the younger sister's face as she looks to her older sister. Her ears begin to perk up once more and she holds her head higher.

"ONE DAY! IMMA MAKE TENDIES GO SWIISSSSHHHH!"

"Yeah," Lyra says happily. "And I'll say 'Two Points!'"

Lyler looks to you with a smile.

"TWO POINTS?!"

You feel... a sudden jab in your chest as the mare looks toward you for affirmation. You open your mouth, but nothing exits right away. A new wave of concern crosses over you. Lyler has a problem. That's for sure. But not just in the joking sense. Sure she's kinda demented and makes terrible jokes and has no sense of pain, but she has a serious disability. Is it right to give her this sort of encouragement? Who knows... Magic is a power of mental strength... you think. She might never have the power to do this sort of thing. Is it the right thing to encourage her to accomplish something that might not even be physically possible for her?

But she looks to you, hoping, a smile on her face, and you feel... a fragility in front of you.

"Yeah," you say. "Two points."

You bite your lip as you see Lyler return to her normal form, and hops back into the 'LEEMURZEEN'.

The three of you make your way to the checkouts, where Lyra had a million fucking coupons and you wanted to gouge your eyes out. Take the groceries to the Heartstrings home, and get politely dismissed by Lyra. Lyler stands at the door as you walk towards the front door of their home.

"I HAD FUN DAY ANERN! TWO POOOINTS!"

You pause, hand on the doorknob as the mare gazes up at you.

"Yeah," you say gently. "It was a good day."

You remove your hand from the knob and instead ruffle the mare's mane up even to an even more wild state than usual.

"We're gonna get you those two points, bud."

"I POOPED ON THE PORCH," she proclaims to the hallway.

You pause, feeling the moment quickly fade away. You open the front door, and sure enough, there is a pile of fresh, brown, steaming droppings right on the front porch.

"You know what? Never mind. Fuck this," you say, before stepping around the pile of shit and closing the door behind you, marking an end for your Tendie Quest.

And so, that day you learned a valuable lesson. Perhaps, what makes a Tendie Quest special isn't the delicious, crispy, morsels that arrive at the end, nor the piles of shit you step around along the way, but it's the journey. And that feeling of satisfaction will live on, and will never... ten-die.

Author's Note

Something Something, thought I would write a lot more of this. Didn't go as planned. Blah blah blah. Not enough time to write.

[AU] Untitled

Author's Note

Skip this. This could have been done way better.

[AU] Untitled

I stood up today. Yes. I. You know who I am. I am Anonymous.

I stood up today and breathed a long, slow breath. I counted to ten. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the deep throbbing in the back of my skull. My body certainly did not make it easy. I felt the pain lash against where the neck meets the base of my hairline, like the crazed man in my dreams crushing my brain in with a baseball bat. The difference is in the dream, I didn't wake up.

I threw on a long sleeved shirt, despite the weather being sweltering today in Equestria. How I got there doesn't matter. For all I care, you can imagine that I'm in my happy place, that I'm a lunatic that has gone crazy and needs drugs to come back to reality and I've sworn off my pills. Or if you're really desperate, you can imagine some huge portal in the sky dropped me down to the grass, somehow failing to break any of my bones, and I suddenly appeared in a place where I could never find another being like me. Because I'm 'special'.

I rose out of my room, ducked under the bedroom door that was too short for me, and stepped out into my rent-controlled housing. Other than the lack of central-air, it really wasn't awful. I can't afford to decorate the walls. The fridge barely works. The garbage disposal is a joke, but it's what I have. I start the coffee pot to brew another batch of old coffee grounds with the distinct flavor of corroded steel. I've ran vinegar through the damn machine a thousand times. All it did was make me throw up twice.

I ate my breakfast. Threw on pants, and then went to work. In one of the few places that anyone without a special talent can do. Daycare.

The fact is that I hate talking about my job. So let me tell you what I think of it. I'm not talking about the fun daycare. I'm talking about the ponies who struggle. It's the harsh reality of every world. Something's wrong with everybody. Some just more obvious than others. This was a place on the outside of town where families who couldn't 'do it anymore', brought their loved ones to be cared for. Either so they could lift the burden off themselves or so they could let themselves forget, and try to find a way to forgive themselves when they were alone with their own thoughts.

The really rough ones, the ponies who would hurt themselves, hurt others. Bleed. Cry. Scream. they had a special area to themselves where the public didn't have to see or hear them. The government paid well for that. I take care of the ponies who are more often... misunderstood.

I have many different ponies under my care. Sometimes I get one that refuses to get out of bed, or they are drugged up so badly, that they have to be wheeled around the facility. But on this particular day, the reason I even decided to open my mind to the world, there was a new patient.

She goes by the name Lyler Heartstrings. She currently has an older sister by the name of Lyra Heartstrings, and two loving parents that live outside the town of Ponyville. Lyler was previously admitted to a different facility where her parents live, but we don't have that documentation. Her parents alerted Ponyville Authority that her sister was likely harboring her under negligent conditions. When social services investigated, they determined that she was not under negligent care, despite Lyra's problems with alcohol.

However, she was deemed a serious danger to herself. She had a cactus plant named "Mr. BoomBoom" that she claimed to 'give birth' to. I'll save the gory details. I'll just skip the story to where I think it gets important.

She was the last on my rounds, and I did it purposely. The weight of the mundane every day hangs on me as a ball and chain would already. Taking on more responsibility in this pitiful place seemed like hardily something to jump for joy about. I walked in, and introduced myself.

"Well Good Morning, Lyler!" I said, making full use of the expressions I practiced in the mirror. "How are we feeling today?"

"FUZZY!" Lyler screamed.

I winced at the sheer pitch that the mare screamed at.

"Now that's not our inside voice, Lyler," I said calmly. "We have to use our inside voice or else we get more shots, okay?"

Lyler's eyes widened. She raised a hoof to her mouth and clamped it tightly.

"Now do you think you can be nice and quiet, and be respectful to all of the other ponies here?" I asked.

"MA-" she paused, feeling the band-aid on her hoof. "M-maybe."

"Good," I replied. They hate shots. They all hate shots. "Now just be a nice little pony, until I get back."

An hour or two passed, and I came back with lunch and pills. She was prescribed a sedative and a muscle relaxant to start, pending full psychiatric evaluation.

"Time for Lunch, Lyler"

"Thankies," she said, keeping her inside voice and wagging her tail softly. She kept glancing out the window. "But cun I go bek home to Lyra nao?"

"Not yet, Lyler," I said.

It gets easier to lie to their faces. Most of the time they don't remember

This one did. It was about a week later. The perky, energetic mare I saw weeks ago slowly faded away. It's a part of the system, honestly. Sometimes they just... break. It makes caring for them easier. The broken ones tend not to fight at lunch.

I was bringing in her tray and sat down as I studied the mare. Her mane was brushed. She was wearing her uniform and staring out at the window.

"Looking at the sky again today?" I asked.

"Flowers," she replied.

"Are they pretty?"

I took a spoon, ready to just move on to the next room, when she refused to eat.

"They all look so similar," she says. "But if even one petal is out of place, somepony won't pick it. The flower just... stays."

I didn't know what to say, so I tried to just press onward.

"Ready for some creamed peas? I hear they're good today!"

But she continued on, as if I weren't even there.

"So we water it. Tend it. Fertilize. Trying to make it pretty. Acceptable. Conform. But what do we do then if it's not picked? What's the point? What happens when it's torn away from what made it special and unique in order to just be... normal? What if it just... can't?"

It takes about 6 or 7 weeks for a pony to die of starvation. And it was the longest seven weeks of my life. For the first few weeks, I listened to her talk about the flowers. Then, she wouldn't speak; just sit and watch outside. Then, she wouldn't leave bed.

I went to her funeral. Her sister was there. Looked exactly like her. I couldn't even bring myself to approach until after the ponies had all left. I didn't have anything to say. Even if I knew what -to- say, I couldn't help but feel somewhat at fault. That I did this. Other patients had came and gone... but this one. Something stuck.

I found the most malformed, broken, diseased sunflowers that were outside her room's window and left them on her grave. It just... it seemed right.

So I suppose that's why I'm writing today. You've probably been bored reading this bullshit, so I'll cut to the chase and just get this over with.

This is my Official Notice of Immediate Resignation. I'm leaving due to personal reasons. I hope you understand.

Lyler and the Parasprites

"PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THE KAREOKE-" you scream aloud, sitting up in bed. You're covered in a cold sweat. Your breathing is ragged. You blink. This isn't a stage. You aren't dressed as Princess Elsa.

Good. Then it was all just a terrible dream.

You pull the covers off you, throw on a pair of jeans and a comfy t-shirt before even attempting to figure out what you'll do on your day off. You scratch your hair that hasn't been cut in weeks, and make your way to your kitchen, where you set a kettle on the stove to make some nice, relaxing tea. Today should be easy-going. Simple. This is the kind of day that you'll go at your own pace and - then there are three soft knocks at your door.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST," you shout at the door, stomping across the room. " A GUY TRIES TO ESCAPE HIS OWN STORY FOR ONE FUCKING CHAPTER. JUST ONE CHAPTER. AND THEN-"

You swing the door open and there, standing on the other side is the yellow-eyed menace, Lyler. Yes, you read that right. And by reading, I meant using your eyes to examine the situation around you. Like, reading the room. Get your fourth-wall breaks out of here. Which is in-itself a fourth-wall break.

"ANERN WE DURNT HAVE MERCH TIEM," Lyler screams in her own unique inside voice. "WE NEED TO KILL THE PERASPERTS."

The fucking what?

"The what?" you ask.

"THE PERDASPIRTS."

"One more time?"

"THE PERAPPASTERPS."

"And once more for good measure."

"THE PEPIPASPURTS."

You pretty much picked up the first time that Lyler meant Parasprites, but a part of you takes some sort of inhuman pleasure in getting her to say purposely hard words. One day you'd love to learn how in the hell Lyler's phonetic rules work, but then someone else would have to do something stupid like character building. I think we all know who we're looking at, or my name isn't CadancePope.

"Okay, so there are Parasprites and we need to 'kill them,'" you say, deciding today seems like a genuinely decent time to go along with Lyler's plan. It's also one of the most surefire ways to get her to go to her next distraction. "What do we need to do? Give them the squishies?"

Lyler then whips her head back violently, takes a deep breath, then vomits a shotgun at your feet.

I don't think I have enough words to describe the revoltion that runs through your body. She puked, as in, it is now green, slimy, and has weird white chunks on it, a mother fucking 12 gauge, full length, pump action -- Jesus christ is that a Remington? -- shotgun, in front of your chucks.

"What the actual fuck?" you say, in equal parts disgust and some amount of pride. "How? Just... how?"

"I AM GOOD AT THE SWALLOWS. THEY ARE MY FAVORITE BIRD."

You pick the gun up off the ground, trying not to puke at the feeling of it's texture. Sure enough, it's loaded with two fresh shells.

"O-okay," you say. "S-so. W-where are we going to kill the parasprite? Please don't vomit it."

"THATS GROSS, ANON. DON'T BE GROSS."

"WE'RE HUR!"

"This is my backyard," you say flatly, still holding the gun.

"ThIs IS mY bACKyaRD..."

"How did you just do that?" you ask, unsure of how Lyler just contorted her voice in weird, unexplainable ways.

"MEME POWER."

"Let's just get this overwith," you sigh, wiping more crud off the gun. "Where is this thing?"

She lifts a hoof and points to a small birdcage that's filled to the bursting point with multicolored parasprites that must have fucked until they filled the whole cage.

"How did they get there, Lyler."

"I MADE PINATA AND IT GOT BAD."

You turn to her to say something, then simply shook your head, you lift the rifle, aim, then pause.

"Uh, Lyler, do you have any sort of protection?"

"HORSES NO GET PREGGERS FROM PERASPITES."

"No," you say, groaning. "I mean, for your ears. when I shoot this gun."

"OH!" Lyler screams. "I AM THE DUMB."

"That's one thing we agree on," you mutter as she rifles through her... I dunno. Horse vagina? for something. Fucking pony physics, man.

She then pulls out a gas mask, and puts it on her face.

"READY!" she screams.

You pause for about a minute, to let her logic settle into your brain. How? Why? You know what? No. This does not compute. Let's just shoot this stupid cage and go home. Well, in side.

You lift the gun, aim, then shoot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtEljxur6eI

The cage explodes into a mess of confetti, streamers, and multicolored showers of parasprite blood. You drop the gun, unsure what in the world you expected.

"AND THE DAY IS SAVED, THANKS TO THE MASKED AVENGERS!" Lyler screams.

You turn on the spot, go inside, and lock the door behind you.

No. No more. No more Lyler today. Today is devoted to relaxing. You've earned a day off from all the random bullshit that life flings at you on a normal basis, or at least in this case, fucking Lyler.

Bronycon

Author's Note

Alright Faguettes gather around, even you Dakiderpy, you little shitlord. This is the story inspired by Lyler going to Bronycon.

Bronycon

Lyler gets off of her plane from Equestria to the actual Baltimore, Maryland and then-

"ERMAHGERD THUR ARE SO MENY ANERNS!@" she screams, leaping through the gate, two saddlebags ducttaped to her sides. Anon crawls out behind her, carrying a small carryon bag of luggage.

"Why are we doing this again?" Anon asks. "I would rather be on /mlp/. This is literal, in real life, shitposting."

"BECAUSE NOTHING ABOUT US IS SUBTLE OR GOOD."

"Good point," Anon says. "Then lets go."

The two hopeless characters walk through the terminal, when a security guard immediately rounds on our two protagonists.

"Sir. You need to put your service dog on a leash!" he calls after them.

"Oh, shit, that's right," Anon says, pulling a leash and collar out and throwing them around Lyler as quickly as he could.

"THIS IS KINKY."

"Did that dog just talk?" the guard asks.

"Yes," Anon says quietly. "And trust me, that is going to likely be the least weird pony related thing you see today."

The guard eyes down Lyler, nods, then leaves.

"Holy shit that worked," Anon says.

"PRIEST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

"Fair, now, do you want to finally go meet the Barcast?" Anon asks, looking down at the poor, challenged creature.

"YAAAS."

The two little shitlords headed down to baggage claim, grabbed their checked luggage, then waited outside patiently for the light rail. Many folks, some as skinny as a rail, some larger than, well, lyler, wait along side.

"Dude!" one says coming up to Anon. "I love your Lyra plushie. Can I touch it?"

"I don't think-"

But without giving Anon a chance to speak, the brony in front of him reaches his hand out and runs his fingers through Lyler's mane. Lyler's eyes grow wide and then she projectile vomits onto the floor. The brony takes a step back, flabbergasted.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK," screams the 22-year old man.

"It's a feature," Anon sighs. "It's actually candy."

"THIS IS MAH LAZAR," Lyler adds.

Just then the Lightrail shows up, and Lyler and Anon step inside. A handful of bronies decide to circle around the green and pink puddle of pony puke, some of which are muttering "A pony that pukes candy?"

As the doors close on the train car, you watch out the window as a poor sap dips his fingers into the candy and gives it a good whiff. The train takes off, as the man turns and vomits on his friend.

The train takes off, and Anon immediately regrets being in this situation.

"This is going to be the most circlejerky, bullshit, meta thing ever. And nothing about this is going to be funny. How the fuck is this a good idea?"

"ANERN!"

"What?" Anon asks, looking to Lyler.

She points up to a small sign on the wall of the rail car.

The sign says "This is Car 5049"

"THIS IS CAR ANON."

You sigh and look away from the pony, simply wishing this is going to end sooner rather than later.

"HELLO CAR I AM LYLER."

Magic

"ANERN I'VE BERN WERKING ERN MAI MAGEIK WANNA SEE?"

"Oh god, I thought you died."

"I GOT BETTER."

You sigh, laying on your back on a park bench in Ponyville park. You were hoping to have a meeting of the tards with Rainbow, but Rainbom ate a tide pod or some tired meme and here we are.

"REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT TO BERNYCERN AND NOTHING HAPPENED?"

"Don't bring that up, please. Just do the stupid magic trick," you say.

"ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHT"

Lyler pulls a large wizard hat and robe out of her butthole. You notice small brown and red stains on it in places that look like stars and moons. You close your eyes and decide that checking out is probably your best option. You are in no mood for Lyler's shit today.

"WOULD YOU LIEK TO BE MY ASSISTERNT?"

"Sure," you groan, not moving.

"OKAY HUR WE GOOOOO. WOOOOOOSSSSHHH."

You chuckle to yourself, still not looking at Lyler.

"Wow, very impress-"

Then, you feel as if your nipples were zapped by 10,000 volts of pure battery power. You scream, you shake, your muscles contort. You fall to the hard earth. Then, it stops.

"WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK WAS THAT?!" you scream at the horse.

"YOU NOW HAVE SMOL PENER."

You pause, feeling otherwise fine. Then you shove a hand down your pants. By reasons that you cannot begin to understand, your 'normal' sized dick is now smaller than usual. And no, Anon. It's not the cold.

"PUT. IT. BACK," you growl at her.

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"I will actually kill you if you don't know how."

"I KNOW HAO."

"Are you lying to me, Lyler?"

She nods up and down vigorously.

"But I didn't say it out loud, so I didn't lie. I am a good mare," she says, her smile beaming.

You grind your teeth.

"Then we have two options. I take you to princess Twilight to tell her that you're doing magic." Lyler's face sinks. "Or you try to undo it."

A strange limp-dicked firework explodes from Lyler's horn, and then hits you.

You shove your hand down your pants. Then, you pause.

You rip down your pants.

Your dick is now a potato.

"FIXIT FIXIT FIXIT FIXIT."

Lyler begins to scream and neigh in fear. She shoots another blast of magic.

Your dick is now a vacuum hose. It begins to rapidly suck in air and whip around like an out of control firehose.

"THIS IS WEEEEIIIRRRDDD" you shout.

Another blast of lightning from Lyler's horn.

Your dick is now a recorder. Like, the stupid fucking flute thing you had to learn in 4th grade.

"WAIT. I GOT THIS," Lyler says.

Lyler puts her mouth to your dick flute and then begins to... this.

"PLEASE. NO. THIS IS IT. LAST CHANCE. GO."

And then one final flash of light, you feel your body contort. Your stomach burns. you fall to the ground, your ass in the dust.

Then, it stops.

You reach a hand down.

.....

"I GAVE YOU GIRL PARTS."

Yep. That's a vagina.

Well, fuck.

"Well, fuck."

"PLS NO TELL TWILIGHT"

You pull your pants up, which now feel quite spacious. You take a deep breath.

"Okay, Lyler. It's fine. I'm going to go make this work. I'm going to go home and... uh. 'test' this out, and then we'll decide if we need to go to Twilight, okay?"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY LYLER DO GOOD?"

"I... I don't know." you say, walking away. "But you certainly did... something."

Author's Note

The Trashman

It's your run of the mill day in Equestria. Well, as run of the mill as it can get when you take care of a mare named Lyler.

"HALLOW"

Lyler, don't talk to the audience please.

"OKAAAYYY."

"Who are you actually talking to?" you ask, staring at the lime green ball of crazy.

"MY BESTEST FWIENDS."

"Uhh-huh," you say skeptically, strapping on the rest of your hockey pads.

See, today is a special day. Not because you're going to play hockey. Although the idea of Lyler being some sort of defensive bruiser humors you and probably two other people to no end. Rather, this is the one day a week when Lyler is nearly unhandlable.

Lyler hops around Lyra's home happily minding her own business. Whatever that is. All you can do is hold your breath. You've been through this at least four other times. That is until lyler's cage- er. Quiet place, is properly fixed.

Lyler may be a complete menace to society, but there's one thing that can be said. She's usually very happy. Or at least, ignorant to the plight or irritation to the other ponies. Unless someone is directly mean to her, she's as happy as a clam that is a few pearls short of a scampi. Or something. I dunno. You got a better joke? Put it in the comments below. Most upvoted Lyler joke gets to decide what the next Lyler is about. Cool.

What was I saying?

"YOU WEERE BREAKING THE FORF WALL N TALKING BOUT THE HAPPS."

Oh right.

"Lyler, please, I'm trying to focus," you say to the horse who seems to just be screaming into nothingness. Again.

You wish you could say that's unusual.

Then, there's the sound of a carriage outside. Oh Shit. It's time.

"HAY!" Lyler yells. "THEY'RE HERE AGAIN."

"Lyler, now let's just calm down."

You look outside, and sure enough, two stallions with a rather large cart stand outside of Lyra's home and are walking up to three metal bins by their mail box.

"NO. THEY'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN. THAT'S OUR TRASH. THEY CAN'T TAKE OUR TRASH. IT'S ILLEGAL."

"Lyler, please. It's their job."

However, you know it's not going to be of any use. You dart to the window. Because this is Lyler we're talking about. She's not going to use something like a door. Besides, you locked it. Things that take more than 2 steps to do are difficult for her.

"THATS OUURR TRAASSHH! REEEEEEEEEE!"

Lyler catapults herself at the window, well, more specifically you. Because you're in the line of fire. The mare's body slams into you, leaving you winded. However, you slap your arms around her and try to hold her tight. Her front hooves drape of your shoulder and flail wildly, slapping the back of your head and back as she screams right by yoru ear.

"STOP STEALING OUR TRAAASH! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT, YOU MEANIES! WHAT DO YOU EVEN DOOO WITH IT? I HOOPE YOU STICK IT UP YOUR ASS."

"Lyler!"

"I HOOPE YOU STICK IT UP YOUR BUM."

"That's better," you say reassurringly.

The stallions dump the cans onto their cart and then begin walking off. Lyler's voice cracks and you feel your shirt become slightly damp.

"NOOOOOO MISTER TRASHY TRASH WAS MUGGED AGAIN!!! THIS HAPPENS EVERY WEEK."

"Lyler, it's okay. Mister trashy trash likes-"

Wait, what the actual fuck are you saying.

Lyler breaks through your grasp and busts through the window, marking the fifth window you've needed to fix in five weeks. Not even Cheerilee is this needy, and all she wants you to do is bone her.

Lyler sprints to the trashcans and picks up one with a crudely drawn smiley face on it. She picks up the can, holds it tightly, and begins to stroke it lovingly.

"IT'S OKAY MISTER TRASHY TRASH. IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL STOP THESE THEIVES. AND THEN YOU CAN COLLECT ALL THE TRASH YOU WANT."

You sigh to yourself, looking at the scattered broken glass on the ground, and the many cuts and bruises that cover Lyler's body. Well. What's done is done. Let's at least get her inside.

"Lyler! It's time to cook come dino-tendies!"

"DINO-TENDIES?!" Lyler exclaims! She gently sets down Mister Trashy Trash. "IT'S OKAY TRASHY TRASH. WE WILL GET THEM NEXT WEEK. THEY WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT THEM."

And so, the vicious struggle between Lyler and the trash man continues. Her only sworn enemy in Equestria.

(Collab Chapter) Reflections of Lyler

Reflections of Lyler

The idea of a field trip with Lyler is nothing short of horrifying to you. When Lyra first asked you to keep her sister occupied for the day, your immediate response was to scream and vomit into her flower planters. It wasn’t even a conscious reaction; your body went into fight-or-vomit and acted accordingly. But after some convincing that may or may not have involved a fat stack of pony coin, you decided that a few hours out and about wouldn’t be that bad.

Chalk one more point in the “Stupid Decisions Made By Anon” column.

At least you had the sense to go someplace where Lyler’s collateral damage could be kept to a minimum, namely a cave. This particular cave is one you’ve passed by many times—it’s not too far away from the spot you go to get drunk and forget everything you’ve seen these past years—but you’ve never actually been inside. You figure today is as good a day as any to give it a shot. And who knows? Maybe the little creature will get lost inside, never to be found again! That would just be an absolute tragedy.

With these happy thoughts in your head, you march unsteadily up the hillside with Lyler drooling and clinging to your foot, making a small snail trail behind you as you limp along.

“WE GO TO PARP?” she bleats.

“No, Lyler,” you groan. “For the fifth time, we’re not going to the park. We’re going someplace new, okay?”

“OKAAAAY!” she wails with glee or disappointment.

This can only go well.

“DO YOU HAZ MAH TENDIIIIIEEEEEE-” Lyler screeches, her voice slowly morphing into an incomprehensible, gurgling hiss.

“Yes,” you sigh. “I have them.”

To demonstrate, you raise the picnic basket you’re carrying and shake it. Inside, the multiple cartons of tendies rattle softly. You got every kind of dip you could think of, but you doubt Lyler cares about that. She’d probably eat them with dirt as long as you told her it was tendie sauce.

Lyler suddenly makes a squealing, velociraptor-like noise and starts swiping at the basket with the energy of a hundred starving beavers.

“GIMME!”

“Not until we get to where we’re going,” you grunt, holding it just out of reach. Lyler still hasn’t quite figured out jumping, so it’s not that hard. When she eventually calms down, you continue your trek towards the cave, the filthy, whining pony still clinging to your ankle.

The cave isn’t too far now; you can make out the entrance beyond the trees and bushes lining the trail. You hold a childish hope that things will get better for you once you’re inside.

“REEEEEEEE!”

Maybe some rocks will fall down from above and crush you. Yeah, that would be nice.

“ARE WE THERE YET?”

“No, Lyler. We aren’t there yet.”

“HOW BOUT NOW?”

You don’t even bother answering.

Stepping through the trees into a small clearing, you stop dead in your tracks to avoid falling into a large hole. Lyler, however, has no such instinct for self-preservation. She finally releases your leg, then bounds past you.

“WHEEEEEEEE!” you hear her quickly diminishing voice scream as she tumbles down the hole.

Some part of you is almost tempted to leave her, but you know Lyra will be very angry if you do that. For some reason. Grumbling to yourself, you follow the defective pony down the hole, but with less tumbling and more hands.

You note how steep the tunnel is in places; hopefully you’ll be able to get out the same way. You can’t imagine a worse scenario than being entombed alive with Lyler. Then again, there’s a decent chance that a cave-in could happen, killing the both of you in one fell swoop. The world would finally be rid of the most pathetic waste of cells and Lyler.

It’s pretty telling that you’re returning to this topic. Stop it. Get some help.

The cave is dark. Really dark. Darker than that piece of toast you burned last week. Shame you didn’t bring a flashlight, not that ponies have that level of technology anyway. Sure, they have microwaves and ovens and slot machines and roller coasters, but flashlights are beyond them for whatever reason. You’re pretty sure you saw a light bulb at some point, but goodness knows that no one in their right mind would ever think to put one on the end of a STICK and let you walk around with it. Also, you’re pretty sure batteries aren’t a thing because everything here is magic. Where was this train of thought going? Oh, right, it’s DARK as SHIT in here. Looks like you'll have to make do with straining your eyeballs to see as you go further in.

You can still hear Lyler, so that gives you some idea of which direction to go. Putting your hand against the right wall, you carefully shuffle your feet forward so you’ll only stub your toe at worst instead of slamming your face into a rock.

After what feels like a nondescript amount of time, you see a faint light far down the tunnel in front of you. You take a pause and take a few calculations of whether it’s better to catch up to Lyler and suffer her presence, or to just stay in the darkness and risk a whole myriad of bullshit that happens in dark caves, including, but not limited to: death, stubbing your toe, being captured and eaten alive by spiders twice your size, getting lost and slowly starving to death, stumbling into another dimension, slowly transforming into a creature of the night from some sort of alien substance, being unable to make a down payment on the house you planned to live in, getting fired, getting fired again, being assaulted by a manbearpig, getting chased by sock hoarding gremlins, running into Red Anon (that dirty, slimy fucker), being sent to a gulag, migraines, falling into lava, headache, getting stabbed in the ass with a cordless drill by that douche named Strato, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, yay Pepto Bismol, grinding for three hours straight only to forget to save your progress because of course you’ve got two fucking tents in your inventory why didn’t you use them you dumb cunt now you’re getting pegged by a giant rat that for some reason is nine levels higher than any of your party members...

...Yeah, maybe sticking to the light is a good idea.

However, as you get closer to the light source, you stop dead in your tracks. There’s no way that could be Lyler. Her? Performing structured, regular magic? The idea is about as sensible as the fact that a FULL GROWN MAN IS BABYSITTING A MENTALLY DEFICIENT LYRA CLONE RIGHT NOW, so have fun parsing that logic.

Reaching the bottom of the winding rock path, you discover that Lyler has NOT figured out how to use magic properly, which is both a godsend and kind of sad, but instead has distracted herself with something far more mundane: her reflection. The light itself seems to be coming off of the surface of the small pond of water that seems to have pooled at the bottom of this cave, the luminescence and dark stone backdrop of the bottom of the lake turning the surface of the water into a perfect mirror.

Knowing pony propensity for lazy naming schema, it’s probably called something stupid like the Mirror Pool.

You approach the pool cautiously, and pause beside Lyler. She’s looking down into it, mouth agape. Slowly, she moves her head one way, then the other, then back again like some sort of OCD pidgeon. It would almost be endearing if you didn’t know the mare better. Still, you decide to try.

“Do you like your reflection, Lyler?”

She’s silent.

“It’s… you, you know,” you try in vain to explain. “That’s what you look like.”

Silence.

“Lyler, hello?”

You knock on her head, and it makes a sound like a hollowed coconut. You’re about to shake the mare, fearing she’s gone comatose, when she suddenly tips back her head and lets out a warbling cry.

“LOOK AT MEEEEEEE, DO YOU THINK YOU SEEEEE WHO I REALLY AAAAAAM…”

You clap your hands over your ears.

“Jesus christ Lyler, what are you doing?!”

“IMMA DIDNEY® PRINZESS!”

“You are not, you’re a fucking horse!”

“HORSE PRINZESS!”

The off-key scream singing continues.

“WHOOOOOO ISSSS THAT GIRL I SEEEEEEEE, STARING STRAAAAAIGHT BAAAACK AT MEEEEEE...”

You let out an exhausted groan, and hold up the picnic basket, your one saving grace.

“Lyler! Tendies! If you stop singing, we can eat tendies!”

That shuts her up. She spins in place, grinning, with mucus dribbling out from between her teeth.

“YES TENDIES NAO.”

You back away from the pool, luring her like a demented salavating infant away from the edge of the water. Well, at least you know she’s food motivated.

This could prove to be useful. Perhaps as long as you have tendies on you, this won’t be a living hell.

However, Lyler’s patience seems to be nearly non-existent.

“GIB TENDIES NAO! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” NAONAONAONAONAAAOOOOOAOAOAOAAOAOAOAOAOAOAAAAAAOOON!” She screams as though she will violently die if she doesn’t get her tendies immediately.

Not wanting to subject your ears to continual torture, you start handing her tendies. Before you even have a chance to stretch your arm to full length, she eats them out of your hand, her saliva oozing onto your fingers.

But as tendies tend to be salty, they tend to make you thirsty.

“NEED DRING!”

For fuck’s sake.

Leading Lyler right back to the pool, you grab her head, dunk it straight into the water, and hold it there for a good minute or so. Eventually, you pull her back up and quickly drag her away so she doesn’t go on another Didny® faggot tirade again.

“THANDS ANON, I FEEL VERY MOIST NOW. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”

With that, she begins pissing on the floor with Mach-5 force. Even you’re impressed at how loud she’s pissing. It’s even managing to echo. You ever heard piss echo? It’s quite the sound. Also, she somehow made a pool-sized puddle with her piss. Fuck, it’s getting onto your shoes. You quickly back away, returning to the non-piss pool in hopes of washing off your shoes.

“ANON WERE ARE WE.”

You turn back to your lovely, retarded friend, seeing her roll in her own piss for... Okay, there’s no reason at all to do that, much less a good reason. That’s just fucking disgusting. Like, there’s being gross about chewing your food, and then there’s this. Literally wallowing in horse urine. Which, to be fair, isn’t an outstanding qualifier in a world full of colorful horses, but to you, it’s just barely above the idea of a fat neckbeard roommate who doesn’t know how to fap quietly or at polite times of the day.

You carefully pick up the piss-soaked horse, trying to keep it as far away from you as possible, and slam dunk her into the pool. If Michael Jordan could see this shit… well he’d probably report you for animal abuse. Lebron James would be like “Hey man cool dunk why are we in magical horseland again?”

Deciding that letting Lyler roam on her own would be a questionable decision (but, then again, this whole fucking adventure is highly questionable, so I have no clue why you’re worried about more questionable questionables), you wrap her up in Flex Tape, with only her head poking out of the black, undefeatable mess of adhesive strips, and begin walking with her under your arm.

Good thing you listened to your lord and savoir Phil Swift, otherwise you may never have bought Flex Tape™ in bulk. Maybe if you pray hard enough he come whisk you away from this world in a spaceship built out of wonderful product.

“AONO LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER POL AHERAE D OF US!” With that, she leaks out of her Flex Tape prison and qwops over to the new, non-piss tainted pool ahead of you.

In some movies, especially older ones that appeal to housewives and no one else, there is a scene where a guy watches a beautiful girl prance through a meadow, and the color pallette has changed and the music starts to swell all romantic-like. The man see the very incarnation of beauty and feels butterflies in his stomach, and he thinks he might be the luckiest man in the world.

This is nothing like that.

You see your life flash before your eyes, and you start wondering if there is a Hell after all, and you wonder if you’ll be going there after all this is done. Is it possible to go to Hell simply because you let a complete imbecile clone herself with a magical pool?

Maybe.

You think as you watch in horror, Is this it? Is this really what my life has led up to? Why am I still here? Just to suffer? Just to bear witness to the mass production of Lyler clones, have them reproduce like bunnies (only not so much) and take over the world with sheer numbers and idiocy? Why did I never go to Disney World as a kid? Fuck you, Dad! You were never there for me when I was growing up! I’m about to join the ranks of Adolf Hitler and Dick Cheney because Flex Tape™failed me. It couldn't save my parents’ marriage, and I guess it can’t save the world from total destruction either. Are you there, God? It’s me, Anon! You might recognize me from such award-winning shows as “Whatever Happened to Robot Jones?” and “My Gym Partner’s a Monkey.” Remember those? I needed the money at the time...

Your internal monologuing lasts longer than you expect. Either that or time literally stopped and has yet to restart, or Lyler is just really slow once she has nobody to resist her pony princess nonsense.

“What a tragic situation indeed!” queefs the raven.

And then— Lyler falls.

With a gurgling cry of joy, like that of a baby who has just shit itself, the mare tumbles forward, out of your lunging grasp, and into the pool. There’s an echoing splash, and you stare at the place she’s fallen in horror. A small stream of bubbles works its way up from the darkness, creating ripples across the surface. Does this accursed creature even know how to swim? You’re pretty sure she doesn’t. Maybe she’ll float at least? You’re sure her head is mostly full of air anyway. But, surprisingly, she doesn’t come to the surface. Looks like you’ll have to save her.

You’re about to peel off your now soiled shirt to dive in after her, when you stop.

But, I mean, do you really though? Do you really need to save her? This is a horrible accident, she just fell in, all on her own. No one could really blame you, could they?

You watch the bubbles come up to the top, fewer and fewer, and continue your internal debate. Maybe if you take long enough, the decision will just make itself for you!

Then, to your admitted very mild relief, a green head bobs up past the surface and takes a sputtering gasp. Well, it seems she does float after all.

“I MADE BUBBLES!” She crows proudly.

You sigh.

“Yes, Lyler. You made bubbles.”

“With my BUTT!”

“...sure, okay.”

“THIS IS A MUD PUDDLE NOW!”

You step a little bit away from the pool which does seem a touch cloudier now. Yeah, outing over, it’s time you headed back and put Lyler into Lyra’s hooves once more for safe keeping. You’ve definitely earned that extra dosh today.

“Okay, get out of there, we’re going to eat tendies at home.”

“OKAAAAY.”

She splooshes her way towards the side, like a three legged puppy just doing his gosh-darndest to swim. You lean down to give her a reluctant hand out, when suddenly there’s another splash behind her. You look up to find… another Lyler??

“I CAME FROM DA NOTHING!” She shrieks.

The first Lyler turns around, see’s the other version of her, and gasps so hard that she breathes in some water and almost kills herself again.

“MY BUTT HAD A BABY!” she gurgles.

You stand there, simply dumbfounded. What are you seeing? Your eyes must be playing tricks on you, cave fumes or something. There can’t really be another Lyler! But, sure enough, both ponies now make their way over towards you and clamor out. While the one looks as wall-eyed and giddy as ever. This new one seems a little… off. Half of her face and body is drooping, like she’s had some sort of stroke. She drools a white froth, that bubbles out like a foaming soap dispenser.

Under the pressure of what you are seeing, something in your little caveman mind finally snaps. You shake your head.

“I… I can’t do this,” you wheeze. “You, uh… Lyler Two. Can you just… go back to the darkness, where you came from?”

Stroke Lyler tries to smile at you, but only half her face moves. In a slightly slurred version of Lyler’s usual squealing, she burbles out one word.

“Erkaaaaaay!”

Without any further explanation, she jumps back into the pool. Your Lyler turns to watch her. She seems… notably distressed. Before you can do anything to stop her, she rears back her head and unleashes a battle cry.

“NUUUUUUU I’LL SAVE YOU PRETTY LADY!”

With that, she leaps back into the pool as well.

Seriously, this time, you’re going to leave her there. You turn to go, but then you hear more splashing behind you, and turn to find…

FOUR. FUCKING. LYLERS.

You let out a sharp, animal cry and topple over backwards. You try to scurry away, but you can only watch in amazed horror as all four mares get out of the pool, look at each other, and make various unintelligible noises. One seems to be missing her eyes, and one seems to be, thankfully, mute.

What is even happening? Is this hell? Did you find a portal to hell somehow? Of course, hell would be full of various versions of Lyler…

But no, it must be the pool! Something about them jumping into the pool seems to replicate them! You realize this, just as the four join hooves and turn back to the pool.

“Cannonbaaaaaawl!” they all yell in unison.

You call out for them to stop, but all four leap into the water at once. You have to run, have to hide before it happens again, but… oh god, it’s going faster this time! Eight Lylers come up, all of them just slightly different, one twitching and making guttural noises, one without any front limbs so it just bumps up against the side.

You turn, ready to run, and find…. FOUR MORE??

How did this happen? Why…

And then you remember that these ones must be your fault. You did this. You dunked her into that pool to get the piss off, and from there, they must have been replicating out of sight, like that broken school copier in the library you once scanned your butt on. Dear god, the butts wouldn’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming and they-

“ANERN!” you hear a Lyler yell. “ANERN WE LURVE YOU!”

You don’t want their lerve. You don’t want any of this.

“S-stay back,” you stutter out as you back away, hoping your headed to the entrance. In the back, you can see two of the Lylers taking turns popping in and out of the pool, creating a steady supply of mint-colored mental nightmares.

“BUT ANUNE!” One says, speech heavily slurred. “WE JUS WANNA GIBE YOU OUR LUBE.”

Okay, you don’t know if they mean actual lube or love, and you don’t want to wait around to find out.

Some part of you hoped this would stop. It thought that maybe this nightmare would stop on its own. But it isn’t happening. They aren’t self-regulating. There’s just more and more of them!

You thought maybe they would get bored with replication. You thought maybe they’d all be so fucking collectively stupid via deindividuation that they’d all just forget how to breathe without you telling them to. You wished, somewhere deep in your mind, where the last of your hopes and dreams lie, that they’d go all Highlander on each other until there was only one left, and you could fucking epoxy glue her to a stick or something and just javelin her ass back to Ponyville.

Nothing, however, could have prepared you for this. Not only are there more than one of them, not only are they increasing in number by the minute, but somehow, against all magical horse logic, they’ve become…

Individuals. Government’s biggest enemy.

They’ve also learned how to open doors.

The collective shudder throughout the multiverse by each and every Anon reverberates on such a wavelength that it echoes back to the core of your being and emanates from your body in the only natural response. Screaming.

“WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK.”

“Oh shut your fucking knob-slobberer you massive cuntmayor,” growls one of the Lylers. “You think we all WANT to be here?! FUCK no. I’d rather just get sniped by a stray testicle than hang around with this retardathon.”

You have decided you like this Lyler. She probably annotates lyrics on Genius and overanalyzes Earl Sweatshirt songs. Truly it must be love at first sight! Hopefully she has a midget dick as well. The last girl you dated had a bigger pee-pee than you, which really helped (in that it utterly destroyed) your self-esteem.

You have only one hope, you realize. The tendies. There is a chance that all these Lylers love chicken tenders, and if that’s the case, you have a chance for a diversion. You’ll need to bring back one of these things to Lyra, in place of her sister, but will she care which one? At this point, you really don’t give a fuck. Besides, you suspect the asshole one is probably an improvement. Cuntler. Yeah, that’s vaguely clever. At least she might be competent.

“H-hey Lylers?” you call out, as you pick up your picnic basket.

They all turn in unison and emit various noises of recognition. As if they’re a flock of demented chickens, ready to commit cannibalism. You hold up the basket, and again they make a series of weird sounds in response.

“TENDIES!?” they cry out together.

Good, you were at least right about something.

With abandon, you throw the basket towards the lot of them. Tendies spill out of it like meat-flavored confetti, giving the cave a warm, cheap, low-class kind of smell. There’s a moment of perfect stillness and silence around you as the stream of tendies floats through the air. Then, all hell breaks loose.

Lylers scream, leaping over each other to get their sweet, precious chicken. They cry out in obscenities and unintelligible sounds, and you can see blood fly through the air to sauce the tendies beautifully. Luckily, as you hoped beyond any other hope, the tendies are enough to make them entirely forget about your existence for a moment. It’s just long enough for you to make a break for it.

You grab Cuntler, the obvious best replacement Lyler, and place her onto your back, before making a mad dash out of there. Lyler will somehow get out alive, so you don’t feel any need to worry about her. Maybe you could also watch her clones all die in hilariously unsafe ways as they try to escape to the surface.

Suddenly, today just became a lot better.

Then Twilight fucking Sparkle shows up. Because of course she does.

“Anon,” she says with an exasperated sigh. “What did you do.”

“I didn’t fucking do ANYTHING!” you practically scream at her. “Like usual, it was this… this… thing!”

You gesture up at the scowling pony on your back. Twilight looks up at it, then back down at you and shakes her head.

“Put down the clone,” she says coldly. “You know that’s not the real deal.”

“Y-you don’t know that!”

“Yes,” she says evenly. “I do. And I can’t have you randomly replacing citizenry, even if it is that… thing. Put the clone down.”

Helpless against Twilight’s bullshit alicorn magic, you set down Cuntler. She glares at the princess, then at you. Then, she spits at your feet in open disgust.

“You fucking pussy,” she hisses at you.

Without another word, she floats up into the air, surrounded by a purple glow of magic. Twilight shoves the clone back into the cave, and after a moment, another dumber looking mare is yanked magically back to the surface. She looks up directly at the sun, stares at it a moment, then screams.

“THE DAY STAR IS FIGHTING MY EYE HOLES!” She cries, still staring unblinkingly at the sun. “BUT IMMA WIN, WATCH!”

Yep, it’s the real Lyler.

You almost want to break down and cry. You were so close, SO CLOSE to getting rid of her, and you even had a better version of her to take home. You could have learned to swear better, you could have had your life back! Instead… you have… this. Lyler finally spots you, stumbles over, and hugs you around the waist so tightly that she pukes a little on your crotch.

Yep. You have this.

You look up to Twilight, with tears in your eyes. She’s still glaring at you, like she’s waiting for some form of apology. After a moment, it becomes clear that she’s not going to get it, and she sighs before pointing in the direction of Ponyville.

“Take her home,” Twilight says. “Now.”

“But what about…?”

You gesture broadly at all of the screaming fuckery in the cave behind you. Twilight looks at you, then at the cave, then shuts her eyes and her horn begins to glow. With a low, earth-shaking rumble, the stones around the entrance to the cave seem to disintegrate. You watch as, just as you repeatedly predicted, the rock face slides and morphs in a terrible cave in, sealing the Lyler hoard inside the cave. You don’t know if you’re more relieved or shocked that Twilight has basically just commited mass murder. She opens her eyes, and again fixes you with a glare.

“We will never speak of this again,” she says darkly. “I needed to seal that cave up anyway for obvious reasons. Is that crystal clear?”

You resist the urge to make a pun involving caves and crystals, and instead just nod. It is not the time for puns, you reflect, things have gotten far to rocky right now.

...god damn it.

“Good,” she barks at you. “Now go.”

With your knees still shaking, you turn away from the sealed-up cave of Lylers, and trudge towards town, dragging Lyler by her mane behind you. She seems totally unbothered by the experience, as she wriggles in the dirt at your side.

“ANERN,” she says. “WHY IS YOUR FACE MAKING EYEBALL JUICE?”

Tears of deep, permanently emotionally scarring regret stream down your cheeks as you solemnly and silently drag her back towards home.

Maud stares at the chaos in front of her from the little cubby hole inside of the cave, and says, “This is so sad, Alexa, play Despacito three.” la di la di da, slob on me knob C̟̅͘H̳̀̊͢͞IͯḊ̹ͧ̓̆D̙̖̋Y ̠҉C̺̬̜͊̿Ḧ͚̩͟I͉͈̪D̸͐D̖̤̙̈́Y̴͉͍̘ ̶̭̻̙̀B͚ͤͭ͗A͕ͯ͛N̰͎̭͎G̝̈ͤ̇,̲̇̅ͣ ̇̏M͊͡U̝ͭ͋D̸ȑ͖ͧE̷̯̤̊R͎͆ ̠ͩ̾̔͊Ę̒̾͢V̡E̻̭͉͛R̖͝Y̶̛͊͢T̫H͈̿̚͞ͅIͦ͞NͦG̷͎ PẠ̉͛͢͠S̸̸̟̪̫̜̹̬̟̿̊̑̓͌ͬͅ͏͙S̵̠͚̾ ̭͑Ṁ̴̡̧̙͓͖͎̜ͪ͝E̛̟͕̍͑̾ͫ́͡ ̳͑ͣ̒͏̒̀S͚̈͟͝O͈̙͖ͥͯ͐̒̃ͥ͊M̢̗͎͇̩̙̞̽̌ͫͭ͌͑̕E̗̳̤̎̃̀ͭ͂͛̌̽͂̚ ̴̧̦͇̬͔̰͍̘̔ͣ̔̀ͩ͝S̶̷͕̫̮̥̆̅ͪ́̆̉ͫ̍Y̩̰ͣ̒̐҉͔͗͋RǗ̸̵̸̖̺̞̹͔͇̈ͥ̑͐͂ͩ̈P̭͚̼̳̀,̸̵̨͈͉̯̘̖͇̋ͨ̅̽̃̍͞ ̵̶̷͖̜̬ͣ́̃̍ͦ̓ͣ҉͍̑̎Ḟ̶̵̢̲̟͖̇͗́̈́̀̂ͩͯU͈̮ͮ̑͠CK̾̀ c͏(

-END-

Author's Note

This story is a Barcast Collaboration! It was written by the wonderful writers and degenerates there, all working together for the common cause of horrible Lyler humor, with some writing a few words and some writing pages. A “special” thanks to everyone for their hard work:

Anonpencil
Dustchu
Alex_
Iorii
Daemon McRae
Tony Montana
RundownJet
2Merr
No Raisin
Vylon
Lord Weesus Christ

You can join us for future collab stories at the Barcast fimfic group or on our Discord server!

Also… Priest is a butt and we hope he sits in syrup. We hope this made you very sad and regretful about what you’ve done with this archive. This is your fault. This story. You created Lyler. A plague and a cancer upon this world. It’s come to this. Shame.
-Everyone

Public Defender Lyler - For Anonpencil

It was an ordinary, beautiful day in Equestria. And you’re stuck in court.

“All rise for the honorable Bust E. Mare,” the plaintiff says.

You rise to your feet along with a fuck-ton of other ponies in the courtroom. A mare, wearing a long black robe and a white wig, enters the room and takes the bench.

“Alright sit,” she says.

The rest of the court sits back down, and you sit too. The chains around your hands and legs jingle quietly as you look to another mare, typing away on a small typewriter in the corner.

“Anonymous,” Judge Mare says. “You stand accused of the crime of scritching without consent. How do you plead?”

“Not guilty?” you say, unsure.

“The defendant has entered his plea. Do you have council?”

“No?” you reply. “Won’t one be appointed for me?”

“Actually it’s a volunteer job,” the judge says with a sigh. “Let her in.”

“Her?” you ask, turning behind you.

“HALLLOOOOOOO!”

The deathly tard scream echoes through the reserved courtroom. You feel the breath escape your chest. Oh fuck. No.

Sure enough, it’s her. Lyler. The scourge of Ponyville. She’s wearing a strange suit with a thick yellow mustard stain… at least you hope that’s mustard, on the front of the suit.

“I AM HUR TO MAKE THE JUSTICE HAPPEN.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” you mumble, you let your forehead rest on the table in front of you.

Lyler leans in close to you and whispers in a loud scream.

“IT’S OKAY ANON, I’LL GET YOU THE ICE CREAM.”

“Great.”

“Does the Defense have their case ready?” the judge asks.

“YUS. BUT FURST.”

Lyler slams a… strangely shiny briefcase on the table. She opens the case, takes out two pieces of paper and lays them on the table. She whips her head back, then slams her face on the table. When she lifts her head up and now has two, normal pieces of paper on her forehead.

“ANGERY EYEBROUS.”

“Oh god,” you mutter.

Well. That’s it. You’re going to fucking jail. You patted a little filly on the head, just because she gave you a bit-bag you dropped, and now people think you’re a pedophile or something. Fucking christ. This is it. This is the day Lyler PERMANENTLY ruins your life.

“The defense may call their first witness.”

“I CALL MR. BOOMBOOM!”

Lyler then poops out her signature cactus onto the floor. A collective groan comes over the court as a trickle of blood leaks from her anus. She picks up Mr. Boomboom with her mouth and places him on the stand.

“This… is a cactus,” the judge says in confusion.

“YUS. MR. BOOMBOOM WAS THERE ON THAT DAY.”

“That’s just dubious enough to allow. Go on.”

Lyler glares at Mr. Boomboom.

“SO BOOMBOOM.” A silence fills the courtroom. “Eating Sugar?”

Another silence.

“Telling lies?” Lyler asks.

“I’m so fucked,” you groan.

“ORDER. THE DEFENDANT WILL BE QUIET IN MY COURTROOM,” the judge screams at you.

Lyler nods at the judge then returns to Mr. Boomboom.

“BOOMBOOM. WHAT HAPPEN THAT DAY?”

Another silence.

“Guys,” you say, “It’s a cac-”

“Don’t interrupt, Anonymous. It’s rude.”

The silence fills the court one more time, as you look to each other pony in attendance today. There’s Twilight, Fluttershy, Lyra… pretty much everypony you recognize. Nopony seems to really want to look you in the eye. Even those who are making eye contact are looking away almost immediately.

Suddenly, there’s a loud gasp from everypony in the court.

“I REST MY CASE!” Lyler screams.

“Wait what?”

“You may leave the stand, Mr. Boomboom. Thank you for that… moving testimony.”

“IT’S A FUCKING CACTUS!”

“You may call your next witness.”

“I REST!”

Lyler moves to her briefcase, and pulls out a pillow and blanket.

“D-do,” The stallion asks, sitting next to a small filly the next table over. “I get to cross-examine the.. Uh. Cactus?”

“What do you think?” the judge asks. “Your turn. Call your witnesses.”

“Alright,” he says, rising to his hooves. “I call little Mona Lott to the stand.”

“Isn’t that a kind of an unfortunate name?” you ask. The prosecutor glares at you for a moment, then turns his head to the filly on the stand.

“Now tell me, little filly. What’s your name?” he asks.

“Mona,” she says shyly.

“I SENTENCE HIM TO DEATH!” the judge screams.

“JUDGE!” Lyler screams. “THE BROWNIES ARE NOT DONE YET.”

“What.” you ask, trying to make sense of the situation.

“You’re right, defense. We will wait to hear the full story. Continue.”

The prosecutor nods then looks back to the filly.

“Can you point to who touched you?”

Mona points a hoof to a stallion in the audience and lets it hang there for a moment. Then, slowly, the lawyer moves the hoof to you. The entire audience gasps.

“I rest my case,” the prosecutor says gravely.

“TWENTY YEARS DUNGEON!”

“WAIT JUDGE! I MUST SPEAK!” Lyler screams, pushing the prosecutor out of the way. “GIRLIE ISN’T IT TRUE THAT YOU ALSO BURP AND HAVE FARTS?”

“Y-yes?” Mona says quietly.

The audience gasps once more. Twilight faints. Fluttershy gets a wingboner, because fuck life I guess.

“HOW CAN YOU TRUST SOMEPONY WHO BURPS AND HAS FARTS.”

“It’s true,” the judge says quietly. “How can you… Little Filly, get the fuck out of my court.”

“But, I-”

“NO! BAD PONY.”

The little filly gets off of the stand, looking to her lawyer and back to Lyler before sitting down.

“ANON IS INNOCENT,” Lyler screams loudly.

“Okay, Jury. Go vote,” the judge says to the 12 absolutely flabbergasted ponies sitting on the side lines. “Do the thing.”

After three hours, the ponies re-enter the courtroom and one hands a paper to the Judge.

“Wow, spoilers jeez,” the judge says. “Now this isn’t fun. Whatever. Say your verdict.”

“Anon… uh. We’re pretty sure isn’t guilty of anything bad here. We think that his race may have been a factor in all of this, just like Mr. Boomboom said. And from there, we had to vote with our hearts.

“Then it’s settled. Anon, you’re off the hook. Say you’re sorry.”

You look around the room as all eyes are on you.

“I’m… sorry?”

“Okay. Break!” The judge says. “I’ve got some brownies in the oven.”

And with that, all of the ponies in the room rise to their feet and begin to leave.

“What the fuck just happened?” you ask the horse with paper plastered on her face and drool dripping down her chin.

“JUST JUSTICE.”

My Little Lyler - Written by ROBCakeran53

Author's Note

Author’s note: Sorry this is so late, HAPPEH BURFDAY PRIESTIE-BOY.

My Little Lyler - Written by ROBCakeran53

Home.

You had once thought it would be impossible, and yet, here you were.

It had only been a few years stuck in Equestria, about twenty or so mare friends and a couple stallion friends (eh, don’t judge). You used them to get over the fact you thought you were never going home…

So why did you not feel all that happy?

Sure, you had lots of regular friends back in Equestria too, not just friends with benefits. It was a lot simpler of a life, that was for sure. The hussle and bussle of the city you lived in was but a distant memory back in Ponyville. It was always so peaceful and quiet, with the only thing you had to worry about was what to have for dinner, or Lyler, but since returning home you’ve blocked her from memory.

Here, back home, you had a lot more responsibilities. A lot more stress. Instead of the cheery, happy ponies you’re back to the grumpy, annoyed humans.

The shitty neighborhood you lived in was still the same, and you were a little surprised to find your place still intact. Then again, with how little everyone else cared about their homes’ appearances yours fit in well after being abandoned for a few years. Although you had a window ajar in the back, and when you first walked inside it was full of cats.

Fucking cats.

So you chased them all out, having to break up a few pussy fights, and while watching them were somewhat entertaining, it would then lead into a full blown cat orgy.

Yeah… no thanks.

Your previous employer was no more. They apparently went under, and your boss committed suicide because he was caught embezzling a lot of money. Or at least, the official reports state it was a suicide, using cement blocks as weights on his feet in the local lake. Meh, you didn’t care for the guy anyway. It’s taken you a few days, but you found a job and are on the road to get your bills back in order.

Why they didn’t evict you after so long you didn’t know, but hey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

You let out a sigh, sitting comfortably in your couch. It took you three hours to get all the cat hair off the thing, and even then it still stinks.

Suddenly, there was a knocking at the door. Odd, who would know you were back yet? You haven’t even told your parents yet… or if you even do.

Getting up, you walked over to your door and opened it. No one’s there, but sitting on your porch was a small box, with crude marker written on the front.

Gib 2 Gud Hoem

That… uh… okay? So… should you open it? Because, judging by the writing it looked like a child did it. As you lift the box, you can tell there’s some weight to it, and whatever it was shifted inside.

“If it’s another fucking cat…” you muttered, stepping inside with the box and closing your door behind you.

You took it over to your dining table, brushing aside the Everest of stacks of mail, you set the box down. It looked pretty normal, no shipping labels or address on it. You placed your ear against it. While you didn’t hear anything, it had a very familiar scent. You’ve smelled this smell before. It’s a smelly smell that smells… smelly.

Then, with horror upon your face you recognized it…

“Chicken tenders…” you whispered aloud.

The top of the box opens, causing you to jump back. Inside, a small mint green filly with an extremely messy silver and green mane pops out. Her golden eyes are huge, staring into your soul as they burn away any hope for your sanity.

“HI ANERN! LOOKS, I’MMA LITTLE LYLER NOW!”

With stock horror, you realized she’s about the size of a filly. Further investigation shows that she didn’t have a cutie mark either. What was it to begin with? You spent as little time staring at her flanks as possible, as in, like, none at all. You were too busy staring at actually attractive mare’s flanks. Damn did you suddenly miss Rainbow Dash’s athletic, tight, firm…

“HEY ANERN, IS ME FILLY TURN YOU ON?”

Oh God I’m getting a boner!

You quickly pulled your overshirt down in a failed attempt to hide the bulge from under your pajama slacks. Damn Rainbow Dash and her magnificent flanks…

“L-lyler! What are you doing here. How did you even get here? And why are you a young filly?”

“I LURVE YOU ANERN, I NEED YOU. ALSO MISTER BOOM BOOM SAYS HI.”

“Oh God is he here too?”

“NO, HE COULDN’T LEAVE HIS KIDS.”

“Mister Boom Boom has kids?”

“HE’S POOPULAR WITH THE MARES.”

“Ew, that’s gross.”

“WAT YA WANNA DO TODAY, ANERN?”

“Um… I was getting ready for bed.”

“YAY BED TEIM WITH ANERN! NOW I CAN SLEEP WITH YOU AND IT’S NOT WEIRD.”

“No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s still weird.”

“CARRY ME, ANERN-DADDY-SAN.”

You let out a long, tired sigh. This was going to be a long night.

So a few weeks rolled by relatively quiet. Yeah, Lyler was a pain in the ass, always bugging you and making shit weirder than normal, but overall as a filly she wasn't much different than when she was an adult.

The convenient thing was that she was small enough for one of those baby chest pack thingies. Fuck, you didn’t know what they were called, you just saw lots of single dads using them in the park so they could use their hands to hold a smoke and beer, respectively.

Today was shopping day, and after finding enough scrap money in your house, you need some supplies. Lyler happily sat on your chest, snoozing away, drooling. Thankfully she faces away from you, so the only victim is the floor, or the occasional shopper who doesn't see it and slips.

“Lets see… milk, eggs, yogurt, icecream, potatoes, potato chips, chicken-”

“TENDIES?” Lyler suddenly shouted, causing a woman to about faint on the spot.

“Yes, Lyler, tendies too.”

She claped her hooves. “YAY! AND VODKA?”

“No, Lyler, you’re not old enough.”

“THAT’S POOPY.”

Suddenly you felt a tap on your shoulder, so you turn around. Standing there is the store manager, who didn't look happy.

“Sir, we have a strict no pet policy in here, and yours is leaving puddle trails everywhere.”

“Sir, she is not a pet, but a retarded child, and it’s not my fault you wax your floors so smooth that the slightest trace of moisture causes people to slip and fall.”

“She has hooves. That’s a pet.”

“You have no balls, so you’re not a man.”

He frowned. You frowned. Suddenly Lyler scrunches her face.

“MEANIE NO BALLS IS MAKING LYLER SAD.”

The manager looks shocked that she talked. You pet Lyler’s head.

“There there, Lyler, it’s alright. Lets get your tendies and never shop here again.”

“YAY! TENDIES!” You felt her tail wag, smacking your abdomen.

You also can’t help notice the smell radiating from her, and at a shriek from the woman sharing your aisl, you realized the brown stuff being thrown everywhere from her tail wags.

“Damn it, Lyler. I know you’re excited-”

“I LEGALLY CAN’T HAVE ANERN’S PEEN YET!”

“Right, but still, what have I told you about poopies?”

“LET ANERN-SENPAI-SANA-WANNA KNOW.”

“And did you?”

“NO, LYLER SOWWY.”

You pet her on the head again. “Don’t worry, you’ll learn.”

Suddenly, you felt an affectionate rub of her muzzle under your chin. You looked down, and for a few seconds she looked almost normal. Mane clean, eyes normal (well, normal for a huge eyed pony), and she radiateed a feeling of calmness.

Then with another fart she reverted back to Lyler, and you quickly rush to the restroom, leaving your grocery cart near the door. Meanwhile, the rest of the store was trying to get shoppers calm while they cleaned up the mess.

It’s amazing how time flies. It’s been… what, two years? You looked at the old calendar that you’ve yet to replace, then to your phone. Yup. Little over two years.

In that time, you began noticing the absolute filth of your home, and the potential dangers to a child, let alone a retarded mare shrunk filly. So you began to clean. Then one day Lyler put her head through the bathroom wall, so you went to repair it.

Lyler made a odd comment about the color, and as you looked, you realized that she was right. So you remodeled the entire bathroom, even replacing the leaky sink.

As you raised Lyler, taught her, she would try to help you. Of course it always ended in more damage, bodily fluids, and spaghetti everywhere, but you couldn’t help but be proud that she was even trying in the first place. And yet, through it all, you managed with some shocking help from Lyler, to remodel your house and make it look somewhat modern, versus looking like the aftermath of the Kennedy assassination, certica 1963.

A few months ago, you realized that even as an adult, Lyler could barely read or write. Usually she’d just eat pencils. So you took it upon yourself on off times to begin and teach her. Reading was the easiest first, because like mentioned before she’d eat the pencils. She’d outright ignore the invention of pens, saying they’re work of the devil and there for didn’t exist.

You didn’t quite get it, but whatever.

So that’s where you sat, having her read out loud to you, and you kinda got lost in thought when you noticed your callander.

Absentmindedly, you’re petting Lyler as she sat beside you calmly, reading.

“-and she was all over my dick like you wouldn’t believe. It was heaven, pure bliss. I couldn’t believe the little girl that was my neighbor would turn into a dick hungry, sexahaulic once she hit eighteen. We’d bone for hours every day in my swimming pool, her parents none the wiser.”

Of course, you didn’t really have much reading material, but you at least had a good stash of porny mags.

“Good job, Lyler! You’re getting good at this.”

Lyler wagged her tail, all without throwing urine or shit everywhere like she would when excited.

You tried diapers. It was a bad idea… there’s still one stuck to the ceiling in the kitchen. Thankfully the smell’s gone, but it’s still there. The last room in need of renovation.

As you closed the porny mag, you realized that maybe now was the right time for a special gift.

“Hey Lyler.”

“YES ANERN?”

“I got you a present, because you’ve been a good filly.”

“PWESANT? IS IT UR HOT MONKEY DICK?”

“No, Lyler, it’s something even more special.”

Her brain seemed to stall as it struggled to comprehend anything more amazing than your junk. Some of your exes would disagree, but fuck them, they weren’t here.

You reached around the side of the couch, and grabbed a box wrapped up in newspaper. It was duel purpose, both wrapping gifts, and it lined Lyler’s training box.

With a happy squeal, Lyler used her hooves and a little bit of magic to shred the paper, and with her tongue she sliced the box open. That was… weird.

When she opened the box, she stopped, staring at it. After the seconds rolled by and you were feeling kinda awkward, you asked, “Is it okay? I know it’s not really him, but I thought…”

That’s when you saw the filly beginning to cry.

Oh… oh crud, I fucked up.

She looked up to you, and pulled out in her hooves a small, little baby cactus in a orange pot.

“I know you miss him, so I thought this would help, until you get home.”

Lyler jumped into your chest, nuzzling and hugging you like crazy. It would have been a very affectionate moment, had the cactus not been between the two of you.

“Ow, ow, ow, Lyler stop, ow ow ow…”

“MISTER BOOM BOOM JUNIOR. THANK YOU ANERN.” Lyler cried.

Even through the pain, you couldn’t help yourself as you ran your hands down her back, and through her mane. That was, until of the needles got your nipple and you screamed like a little bitch.

Another few years go by, and Lyler’s roughly a tween you figure. Considering she keeps huffing, calling you names, and exceptionally horny all the time. You couldn’t really remember if girls were like that in middle school, but you weren’t very popular anyway so your interactions were limited.

You were kneeling outside your house, pulling weeds. After getting Lyler Mister Boom Boom Junior, she showed some interest in gardening, and plant care, even though that’s a Earth pony thing and she was a unicorn, but whatever.

So the two of you started a garden. Flowers at first, around the house. Then you began to clean up the lawn, keeping it mowed, trimmed nice and neat. Eventually you even tried food, like tomatoes and green beans, along with zucchini and yellow squash. Just not carrots, not anymore, after what you discovered they did to Lyler’s intestinal tract. You shuddered at the memory.

And through it all, Lyler helped. She was maturing well. Scarily well, in fact. A lot of her crazy antics and retardedness were going away, although some things didn’t change.

You heard the school bus stop, and the doors open, allowing Lyler to jump out with her My Little Pony backpack on.

The irony was not lost on you, the bus driver, her teachers, or anyone else in the school. Probably just Lyler. Definitely just Lyler.

“Hey, Anern!”

“Hello, Lyler. How was school today?”

“It was good! I got to use scissors today!”

You blinked.

“Wait, really? And you didn’t cut yourself?”

She shook her head.

“And Miss Sandy let me bring home the class pet rock!” Using her magic, she brought out a small rock, on it painted a crooked smile, along with googly eyes glued on.

You couldn’t help but smile. “Now you know that’s a big responsibility?”

She nodded, setting her backpack on the ground beside you, and putting the rock on top. “I knows! But yous always says that I’m doing good with Boom Boom Junior.”

“That I do, and that you are.”

She looks at the pile of weeds. “Garden done?”

You stand wiping your hands on your legs. “Yeah. Want to go inside for some lemonade?”

Her tail began to wag, excitedly so.

Later that evening, you couldn’t help but watch Lyler playing with both the pet rock, and Boom Boom Junior. The little cactus had been doing exceptionally well, considering it takes almost no care in the world to keep alive, Lyler had been doing everything she could to keep him healthy and clean.

Which, considering her own clean self, was a miracle.

You’re sitting at the dining room table, going over a few of the bills as you occasionally glance her way. You can’t help but notice her still blank flanks. Hrm… come to think of it, you couldn’t even remember what her cutie mark was before. How could you help her, figure herself out and fully mature? Was she behind in pony terms because of her age, and lack of cutie mark?

You never paid enough attention to the foals back in Ponyville, mainly because the Cutie Mark Crybabies were always a constant nag. Hey Anon, let's go bowling. Hey Anon, lets go touch Milky Way’s massive crotch tits.

Oh wait, come to think of it, those three were pretty chill around you. Huh…

Well either way, suddenly there’s a bright flash from the living room, and you rushed over to check on Lyler. To your shock and amazement, she got her cutie mark!

Boom Boom Junior was sporting a small flower, freshly bloomed. The thing had been a bud for so long, you thought it was never going to do so, but now it had, and Lyler’s cutie mark was surely a reflection of-

“Oh what the fuck.”

Her cutie mark was a dumb fucking rock.

In fact, the filly wasn’t even paying any attention to Boom Boom Junior, instead she had the pet rock shoved half way up her cooch.

“Damn it, Lyler, what have I told you about shoving things up there?”

“That it’s reserved for you?”

The lewdness in her voice couldn’t stop your blush. “N-no, damn it, you’re not old enough yet to be doing such things. Now pull that poor pet rock out before it suffocates.”

Lyler does so, the rock dropping to the hardwood floor, missing one googly eye.

“Uh oh… sorry Anern…”

You sigh, going into the kitchen to get the rubber gloves. With a snap of it on your hand, you go back into the living room, the filly’s face both excited and scared.

Well, this was it.

The moving truck was all packed up, and ready to go.

After a good ten years with Lyler, you realized that the house was relatively small. Granted, the two of you could live there peacefully, but with all the expanding businesses and construction going on, the place, and area in general, were a pain in the ass. Traffic was shit, the noise was shit. You work was even turning to shit, but that was fixed with a local branch transfer.

So you found a nice place out towards the country. The house was about the same square footage wise, but it was nestled on a generous ten acres, including a barn. What were you going to do with a barn? Hell if you knew.

You closed the back of the truck, and walked around to the drivers door. You reached your hand into the open window and pressed the horn.

“Come on, Lyler! We’re ready to go!”

From the open front door, you see no movement. Sighing, you walked past the FOR SAIL sign that Lyler had made. The detail of the sign was fantastic, but she still struggled with some spelling.

Walking into the empty house was a strange thing. It had been a long time since you’d seen this place so empty, and that was before Lyler, before Ponyville, or Equestria.

With a small pit in your stomach, you stopped in the living room and notice Lyler sitting in the middle, looking at the floor.

“Lyler? Honey, what’s wrong?”

You hear a sniffle. “I’m… gonna miss it, Anern.”

She was basically an adult now, but she still acted like a child at times. The old Lyler was still in there, from time to time she’d pop her ugly head out and make a mess of things, but more so of the time was this.

Just Lyler. My little Lyler.

I sat down beside her on the floor, looking where she was.

There was a huge gouge out of the wood floor. I remembered when that happened.

“Heh, you’d been here, what, a year and a half when you did that?”

Lyler nodded, still teared up.

You couldn’t help let out a laugh. “I was so mad. I couldn’t believe giving you carrots amounted to that much gas.”

Even through her tears, she joins in on the laughter.

You rub her back, running your hand through her mane.

“Honey, it’s going to be alright. We may not still be here, but we still have all the memories.”

“Yeah, you’s right.” She leans into you, and you continue to pet her.

You’re both silent for several minutes, then you finally stood. She continued to sit there, looking around more at the house. Even after remodeling years ago, there were times where her antics would cause some minor damage, which could easily be spotted.

“Lyler, it’s time to go.”

“Um… Anern?”

“Yeah, Lyler?”

She didn’t say anything, simply held out her front legs.

You rolled your eyes. She was a grown ass mare, and yet once in a while she wanted upsies. You wanted to argue with her, make her act her age and walk, and yet… in her eyes, she was just so sad. She wanted you, Anon.

You scooped her up without a second thought. Damn these ponies were heavy when they got bigger. Or was it you’re just getting that much older?

Before you could reach the door to close it behind you, Lyler’s horn flares and it closed swiftly. You continued to stroke her back as you walk towards the box van. As you near the passenger side door, she opened it as well, and before you could let her go, she leaned into your ear.

“I love you, daddy.”

That… was a new one.

For all these years, Lyler had been adamant on calling you Anern, or some form of the word, and obsessed over oddball things, including your dick, which you’re ashamed to admit you once or twice seriously considered, but never went through with it. Was it because she didn’t have Rainbow Dash’s flanks?

Or was it because, all along, you really knew what Lyler was to you.

“I love you too, my little Lyler.”

You wake up with a start, feeling around your bed for your phone. When you don’t find it, you reach for the bedside lamp, only to knock it off and onto the floor.

“Shit!”

The next thing you touch stabs your hand, causing you to shout in alarm.

You reach the other bedside lamp, and after clicking it on you notice what you touched.

It was Mister Boom Boom… senior?

Suddenly your door is kicked open, and standing there is a panting Lyra.

“Anon! Oh thank Celestia! Lyler’s been going crazy all morning because she couldn’t find Mister Boom Boom!”

“Wait, what the fuck? Lyra? What are you doing here? I’m not in Equestria anymore!”

The mare looked at you confused. “Uh, yeah you are.” Her magic opened the blinds, revealing-

“Oh what the fuck.”

Yup, you’re still in Ponyville. Which could only mean-

Lyler bursts into the room next. “ANERN, YOU TOOK MISTER BOOM BOOM!? IS THIS A BACKSTREAM FAIR?”

So as your morning turned to shit, and you had to deal with two mint green unicorns, one of which was specially challenged, you couldn’t help but think about your dream, and thinking maybe, just maybe, with a little push… some of it could be a reality.

“Oh God damn it LYLER YOU DON’T POOP IN THE TOASTER!”

Well, probably not, but fuck it, it’s better than nothing.

Guest Chapter: Lyler Meets Schadenfreude (By anonpencil)

You stare up at your bedroom ceiling, wondering what this glorious brand new day holds for you. Unfortunately, it seems to hold Lyler. Your window shatters into a million tiny pieces, as your ego did long ago, and in bursts the flailing, drooling, shit-stained creature that is Lyra's "special" sister."

"ANERN" she screams like a banshee. "I AM HER IN YOUR HOUSE. I FLEW IN THE WINDOW LIKE A PRETTY DOVE. COO!"
You let out a gasping wheeze as the pony lands directly on your diaphragm. Any illusions you had about starting the day with a good fap evaporate, as fast as the wind leaving your lungs.

"Why?" you choke out.

"CAUSE."

"But..."

"BUTT CAUSE!"

You give up entirely. On this conversation, on lyler, on life in general. Unfortunately for you, you can't easily commit suicide with a grown ass pony sitting on your midsection. Believe me, I thought about it.

Just as you open your mouth to let out a groan of frustration and hatred for your mere existence, you hear your doorbell ring.
"DING DONG" lyler screams back at it, like she's having an actual conversation with the mechanism.Before you can correct her, that it should have been "dong ding if she wanted to give a proper response, she leaps off your belly, like a bat out of hell, and exits the room in a smelly, spazzing flash of green.

You hear the sound of the front door opening, and then lyler's hearty "HALLO," and realize you have to get over there quickly, just in case this is your landlord or another goddamn princess or some shit. You don't need that level of embarrassment. You half stumble, half crawl your way to the front of your home, where you spot Lyler speaking to a strange, gray pony. He gives you the vaguely disapproving but polite side eye that only the gays can truly pull off, before he grants you a subtle smile.

"Oh... I see there's someone else here."

Not exactly the most polite introduction but you decide to give it a go.

"er, hi," you say. "My name's anon, and you are...?"

"Unimpressed," he says lightly. "I thought you'd be less... boring."

You've been insulted before. So many times. Usually by girls. But for some reason, being called boring really sets your nerves on end. Your face flushes, and instantly lyler begins to laugh like n airline taking off.

"HAW, YOU GOT ALL PINK LIKE A SHAVED RAT!" She crows.

Then, she turns back to the new pony, clapping her front hooves together like a retarded seal.

"DO IT GAIN!" she says, and pees a little on his front hooves.

He recoils, but gets the sense that he's upset you somehow. For some reason, that doesn't bother him.

"Well," he goes on. "This Anon here, he's obviously struck dumb with... no, wait, just dumb. That seems to be his natural state of existence, by the look of it."

Lyler guffaws louder, and your blush deepens.

"H-hey, what's the idea you asshole?!" you stutter out.

Impressive comeback. That'll show him.

He scoffs at you, and tosses his mane.

"See? He can barely even form sentences. What a specimen of inferiority."

You let out a growl and lunge towards this strange, spotted, jackass of a pony, and promptly trip over lyler, who is literally rolling on the floor laughing. The impact of your foot on her midsection sends out an erp of what you're pretty sure is partially digested grass and wood shavings, which you slip on. You fall, a little satisfied that you've gotten some vengeance on lyler for her earlier abdomen attack, waving your hands like you just don't care, your face quickly coming down towards your hardwood floor.

The gray pony smiles as you fall into a heap and begin to bleed, semi-conscious on the ground.

You gurgle out some unintelligible words, woozy and embarrassed, as he steps over your twitching, prone form.

"You know," he says appraisingly to Lyler "I think I could get along with you. What's your name?"

"MY PARENTS CALLED ME OH GOD WHY BUT YOU CAN CALL ME LYLER."

He takes her hoof, goes to kiss it, stops, grimaces, and puts it back down.

"Well, lyler, I am Schadenfreude, and I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

The two ponies step over your quietly bleeding body, and walk out into the world.
God help them all.

-The End-

Sex With Lyler

Today is a special day. A wonderful, glorious day in Equestria. In fact, it’s a unique day for those who live in the town of Ponyville. Today is your Arriversery. Or, at least that was what Pinkie Pie was calling it. You have lived in this world for five years now. So, naturally, the ponies that you’ve come to know in this town have decided to throw a huge bash in honor of… well, you. The only human in Equestria.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t excited. You aren’t usually the type of person who particularly enjoys parties. Usually when you go to a party, you make your way to a corner and drink quietly. But instead, today was a day about you. So as you’re locking up your house, you can’t help but feel a smile curl on your lips. Today should be a good day.

“ANNNEEERRRNNNNNN!”

Oh fuck.

You turn around and begin to walk back to your house. You know, the ponies don’t really need your existence today. You can just go home. Hide. Maybe hang yourself. You know. Fun things.

“ANERN TODAY IS YOUR DIRT BIRFDEY. LETS DO TENDIES!”

“Fuckfuckfuck” you mutter under your breath as you power walk away from the power retarded horse that you know is behind you.

A sudden 50lb mass strikes your back, and you fall to the ground.

“Hey Lyler,” you groan.

Sure enough, the mint green mare with a tousled mane… which for some reason has several worms and a fork stuck in it, sits on top of you, her hooves tucked underneath her body. You only know that because all four seem to be digging and kneading into your spine.

You take a deep breath and sprawl out your limbs, prepared to accept your fate.

“ANERN IMMA BE YOUR BES FWIEND TODAY.”

“Great. I’m so excited,” you mutter. “Can you get off my back?”

“NO!”

Not accepting No for an answer, which coincidentally those charges in court were dropped, you roll to your side, and Lyler slides off your back with ease.

“WAT WE DOIN, ANERN?!”

“Well,” you growl, dusting yourself off. “We need to go talk to Pinkie, I was going to grab a bite from Sugarcube Corner. Then I need to stop at Mr. Rich-”

“FILTHY!” Lyler screams. “HE BANNED ME.”

“Yes. That’s right, Lyler. You did get banned from his shop. Which means you can’t follow me.”

“IM A KANGAROOOOOOO!”

You blink at the horse, which sits up proudly, puffing out a tuft of floof that seems to be stained with mustard.

“You know, I don’t know why I try,” you mutter, turning on your feet. “If you follow me, I’ll just ignore you.”

“I’MMA MAKE ANERN HAVE BEST DAY EVER.”

“Holy shit this is going to be the worst day ever.”

You walk through the streets of Ponyville, with Lyler walking in tow. Each of the ponies watch as Lyler literally follows in your footsteps. She’s playing a game that she only can put her hooves into the places where your footprints are.

“THE FLOOR IS TIC-TAC-HOOF.”

“Very good, Lyler,” you mumble. “Won’t Lyra be proud.”

It’s at moments like these that you can’t help but look back on how much your life has changed. When you first met Lyler, it was when she was literally locked in her home at all hours of the day to hide… well. Her.

Now, she may be a public menace, but you’ve grown a weird tolerance for the mare. You just seem to be more and more used to her bullshit. It seems like she’s gotten less random, more cute and more… what’s the word….

“ANERN I NEED TO MAKE POOP WATER.”

Nevermind.

“That’s not my problem, Lyler.”

That’s almost never true, but you aren’t her caretaker today.

“IT’S OKAY. I’LL MARK OUR TRAIL SO WE CAN FIND OUR WAY HOME.”

“Wait, wha?”

You look over your shoulder and then immediately glance away. A thin watery trail of shit is now falling onto the roads of ponyville and seems to lead directly to Lyler’s butthole. For now, you’re going to try to ignore it. This isn’t going to be the thing that ruins your day. It won’t.

You turn a corner, see Sugarcube Corner, and then run like a fat kid following an ice cream man. Or the way I grew up, called the Ding-Ding man. It’s not a racial slur, I swear to christ. (It was because his bell went ding-ding.)

The bell of the small cafe and pastry shop dings on the way in, and you attempt to brace the door behind you. The good news is that the door is successfully braced. The bad news is that Lyler leaps through a nearby window, a trail of shit propelling her forward from her butthole like a brown rocket trail.

“HELLO WORLD.”

“Oh my god,” you yelp in surprise.

“Wheee!” Pinkie exclaims in glee. “SURPRISE WINDOW ATTACK! It’s super effective!”

“Hi Pinkie,” you mutter. “Sorry about the window.”

“Eh,” Pinkie says with a positive shrug. “I’m sure Ponyville insurance will cover it. Or something. I have no idea how they stay in business. But that’s not important because today is your Arriversary!”

“Yeah!” you say, moving from the door to the counter. “And I could use a good day for a change. Life’s been tough recently. Work and everything.”

“ANERN I JUMPED THROUGH THE WINDOW IT WAS FAST.”

“Yeah, Lyler, I saw.”

“I WANTED TO SHOW YOU HOW COOL I AM.”

“Good.”

Pinkie looks from Lyler to you, gives a wry smile, then focuses back on you.

“Her crush on you is just adorable, Anon.”

“More like crush my windpipes, am I right?” you chuckle.

Pinkie blinks, looking from you, to the horse who is now coming to her feet, looking around at the broken glass on the ground.

“IS THIS ROCK CANDY?”

“Yes, Lyler,” Pinkie calls to her. “We changed it to rock candy after last time.”

“YAAAY!”

“You really switched to rock candy?” you ask Pinkie.

“Yeah, but that’s not what’s important, Anon,” Pinkie says, her face concerned. “How long have you known Lyler?”

“Too long,” you mutter.

“Yeah, but I mean. It’s been a long time. Years.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you never realize she had a crush on you?” Pinkie asks.

You blink, looking from Lyler as she licks the glass off the ground, back to Pinkie.

“Huh,” you say blankly.

“You’re joking,” Pinkie says quietly.

“I mean, like. It answers a lot of questions. Like why she won’t leave me alone.”

You blink and then look back to Pinkie.

“Okay, I think I’m ready for some breakfast.”

“Wait, are you just going to ignore that this pony, who comes to see you almost every day for years at a time has a crush on you? Like. This could create a long, convoluted story that you could tell your children one day about how you met their mother.”

“Uh. No. There are SO many things wrong with that. First, I don’t think of Lyler like that. Two, I’m not having sex with Lyler. Three, I don’t think humans and ponies can have kids.”

“Have you tried?”

“Is that an invitation?” you ask, leaning over the table.

“Uhh. No. On second thought, what can I order you for breakfast.”

“Oh, uh. Toast, two eggs over easy-”

“CHOCOLATE MILK.”

“And… yeah. Two chocolate milks.”

Pinkie slowly blinks at you, then sighs.

“Take a seat. The party is at Twilight’s castle at five. I’ll see you then!” Pinkie says, moving back to the kitchen.

“But, like. Aren’t you the waitress? Isn’t that kind of awkward to say if-”

The door to the kitchen closes and leaves you with a small teal pone licking your shoe. You look down to Lyler.

“YOU STEPPY ON GLASS CANDY.”

“I don’t think I stepped on the glass.”

She picks your foot up and sniffs the bottom of your shoe.

“NOOOSE CANDY!”

You sigh and move to sit down at a booth. One by one the other ponies that were eating a meal in the shop make their way out of the restaurant. Great. Lyler sits across from her, and sways back and forth in her seat.

“So, what are you planning on doing today, Lyler?” you ask.

“FOLLOW YOU.”

“Great,” you mumble sarcastically. “Shove anything good in your cooch recently?”

“YAAASSS!” she exclaims. She reaches a hoof down under the table and pulls out a black marker and puts it on the table. A small trail of slime moves from the pen to her hoof. “SHARPIE IN COOTER.”

You blink.

“You put a sharpie in your cooter?”

“NOT JUST SHARPIE.”

A moment of silence fills the room as you wait.

God damn it. Okay. Now you have to ask.

“Okay, what else do you have in your cooter?”

Lyler reaches down under the table again. This time, she seems to bend her hoof one way or another and then pulls out a fully wrapped oat and granola bar.

“GRANOLA BAR IF ANON GET HUNGRY.”

Well, there went your appetite.

“Well, thank you for being so… thoughtful,” you reply. “I don’t see any need to ask what else is in your vagina. Thank you.”

“SECWRIT PAWKET POWERS!”

“Lyler, what have we said about adding W’s to your words,” you say in disapproval.

“DAT IT MAKES ME SOUND WIKE A FWURRY!” Lyler says innocently.

“That’s right, and what are furries again?”

“FOOD!”

“No, Furries aren’t food.”

At that moment, Pinkie steps forward and places a plate in front of you and two glasses of chocolate milk on the table.

“Here you go, Anon. Your breakfast is already paid for.”

“Oh! Well thanks, Pinkie. I appreciate it.”

“Don’t thank me, Anon,” Pinkie says with a smile, looking to Lyler. She turns and then makes her way back into the kitchen.

You look down to your food and the milk. Then you look up to Lyler. Her hoof is deep under the table, and fishin around you know where.

“Lyler, please.”

“SHUUUSSSHHHHHHHH,” Lyler yells, waving her slimy hoof at you. “LET IT HAPPEN.”

“I don’t like this,” you mutter.

She reaches down in her pussy pocket and rips out, I shit you not, a candle, candle stand, and a box of fucking matches. You sit back in your seat, as she takes a match, strikes it on the back, which clearly didn’t work because of the vaginal discharge on the box. She then took another match, which worked this time.

Lyler stared at the fire in her hoof for a hot second. This was because the fire was hot.

She shakes her head, as if snapping herself out of something, then lights the candle and puts on the candle holder. The candle distinctly smells of french vanilla and bruised labia.

“ROMANTIC BREAKFAST.”

“Okay,” you say. “I now see where this is going. Lyler, did you buy my breakfast?”

She nods vigorously.

“Lyler, is this a date?”

Lyler blinks and tilts her head.

“WHATS A DATE ANERN.”

“Well, Lyler, see, when a boy and girl pony like each other very much-”

“THATS FUCKING.”

“Lyler, don’t say that.”

“YOU SAY IT ALL TIME.”

You blink and then rub your eyelids for a moment.

“Lyler, we’re just good friends, right?” you ask.

“BEST FWIENDS.”

“Nothing more.”

“YEEEEE.”

“Okay. Then, can I ask you something? As a best friend?”

“ANYTING.”

“Leave me the fuck alone today.” you growl.

Lyler’s ears turn down and she leans back.

“Oh.”

“It would really make my day.”

“CAN I COME PARTY?”

“Sure,” you say. “I mean, all of Ponyville is invited. So It would be rude of me to say no.”

Even if you want to.

Lyler then farts loudly.

“OKAY! I SEE YOU AT PARTY ANON HAVE GOOD DAY!”

Lyler then leaps through the nearest other window and leaves you alone with glass in your eggs and toast.

You pick up a piece and taste it.

“Holy shit, it is rock candy.”

You walk into the post office, where a familiar gray pegasus with a blonde mane stands on the other side of the counter.

“Hey Derpy,” you say with a smile.

“Oh, hey Anon! Here to get your package?” Derpy says with a smile.

“I have a package? I was just getting my mail.”

“Yeah, hold on.”

Derpy disappears into the back before re-emerging with a package. You can’t help but cringe at the sight of what’s in the pegasus’s hooves.

The package is crudely wrapped with red wrapping paper, but let’s be honest, you suck at wrapping too. But what’s more concerning is that it’s leaking out of the side and there’s holes in the top.

“Oh, good.”

“Yeah, I think this is from-”

“Lyler.”

“Yeah,” Derpy says, scratching the back of her mane with a wing. “Well here you go! Just sign here.”

She places the package and a document on the counter. You scribble on derpy’s paper and then pick up the box, which is surprisingly heavy, sloshes inside, and has a light odor.

“I gotta say, Anon. You have a really sweet mare friend if she’s doing something this special for you.”

“The fuck did you just say?” you snap.

Derpy’s eyes go wide and then do their best to focus on Anon.

“Just. She had so many surprises planned around town for you. And. Oh. Wait. I wasn’t supposed to. Oh no.”

“No. The other thing. Marefriend.”

“Well, yeah. You two are always together.”

“Stop. Right now. Cut that shit out. I’m not dating Lyler. Never would.”

Derpy’s eyes noticeably move to the floor.

“Oh.”

“What?” you ask. “Why is this such a shock? I’m not going to date her.”

“I dunno,” Derpy says with a frown. “I guess seeing how someone as cool as you was dating someone with… well. A handicap. It gave hope for… me.”

Are we really fucking doing this right now? What the fuck? Where did this come from?

“I mean. You’re a great mare, Derpy. I’m sure there’s a lot of stallions out there who would love to date you.”

“Well, Anon. Since you’re not seeing anypony,” Derpy says looking up to you. “Will-”

“WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME. EYE, I MEAN I WILL SEE YOU AT THE PARTY LATER. BYE.”

And in a zip-bang-boom, you’re out the door.

And to your surprise… Derpy was right.

You make stop after stop in the market. At Quills and Sofas. At City Hall. Sweet Apple Acres. And in every single place there was a nice, wholesome surprise. You take your now, literal wheel barrow of shit (Literal in the fact that the Apples gave you a wheelbarrow for all the surprises, not that it was filled with shit. Easy mistake in a Lyler story.) and you stow everything in your house. You can’t help but smile and be vaguely concerned at all of the nice things that have happened today.

What does it mean?

You stand outside of Twilight’s castle. The sun sets slowly over the horizon. You feel a tense feeling in your chest. If you’re lucky, it’s a heart attack and this will be your final moments. But sadly, the only ache in your arm is your wanker’s cramp. So you aren’t so lucky.

Ascending the stairs, your mind is filled with all sorts of questions with no meaningful answers. But, the one that sits in your mind the most is… what is on the other side of this door.

So you open it.

“SURPRISSEE!” A room full of ponies yell.

You blink.

“Uh. I knew about the party, guys.”

“THATS WHAT MAKES IT SURPRISING!” Lyler screams, and then enters your vision.

Wait no. That’s Lyra.

Wait. no.

That is Lyler.

She wears a long and flowing golden dress. Her mane is straightened, cleaned and braided. You don’t smell her, even though she’s half a room away. Your mouth opens, and she leaps into the air. You extend your arms, and you deftly catch her.

“THIS IS JUST LIKE MY JAPONIES ANIMES.”

The room gives off a collective ‘Awww.’ and you let go, letting Lyler drop to the ground. However, like some sort of stunted cat, she lands on all four of her feet, then falls to the ground like a scared sheep.

“Now let’s get this par-tay started!” Pinkie screams.

The music pulses and the ponies begin to go about their business. You help Lyler back to her hooves again.

“You got really gussied up, Lyler.”

“RAWRITY HELPEDED.”

Your eyes move across the room and you see Rarity sitting alone at a table, a bottle of wine in front of her and a large wine glass being held in both of her hooves. She stares blankly into the drink.

“You poor soul,” you mumble.

“I’MMA PRINCESS.”

“Well, good. Now I think I’ll get some food.”

“NO FOOD ONLY BOOZE.”

“What?” you ask looking to Lyler.

“I COULDN’T AFFORD FOOD FOR PARTY SO I GOT LOTS BOOZE.”

She holds up a granola bar to you, wearing a wide smile, and you slap it out of her hand.

“Okay, what is this?” you ask.

“WHAT?” she asks, taking a step back. “I MAKE ANON GOOD DAY.”

“No, you’re making all of this really weird. We aren’t dating. This is too much.”

“BUT ANERN NOT DATE LYLER. WE GOOD FRIENDS.”

“Yeah, but everyone here fucking thinks we are. And I’m sick of it. What if I find some mare that I like and I lose whatever chance I have because I have you being my tumor.”

“LIKE A GOOD TUMOR?” she asks.

“No like a cancer. Lyler. You are fucking cancer.”

The music scratches.

“Well, that’s a new academy record.” Spitfire mutters in the corner of the room. Rainbow shakes her head at the fellow wonderbolt.

You look around at the room who is glaring at you angrily.

“What? Don’t tell me you hadn’t thought it before. There’s a reason Lyra kept her hidden from the world.”

“Actually,” Lyra steps forward. “I kept Lyler hidden because I was scared that someone in the world would hurt her, or make her ashamed of herself.”

“Oh, come on. I’ve said much worse things to Lyler and it never hurt her…”

You look back, and your friend is gone.

“Feelings.”

You stand outside of Lyra’s house. Honestly, you aren’t fully sure where Lyler is, but the massive pony sized hole in the window was a pretty good hint. You turn the knob. Locked.

“Oh god. Do I really have to do this?” you mumble.

You look over the window and see all the shards of glass inside. You pick a piece of glass from the window and taste it. Yep. Tastes like blood. That’s real glass. And now you’re bleeding. Great.

You back up and leap through the window that’s already broken. You can’t make it any more broken, so fuck it.

You recognize the interior of the small home from the many times you’ve been inside it. You head down the hall, and see the bathroom door closed. Inside, short, quiet wimpers come from the cracks in the door.

“Lyler?” you ask, knocking gently.

“Go away,” she mumbles.

Oh no, she’s using her inside voice.

“Lyler? I’m going to come in. I want to talk.”

“Please don’t. I’m naked.”

“Sweetie, you’re always naked.”

There’s a quiet sniff from the other side of the door.

“Is it okay that I come in?”

There’s silence from the other side of the door. You wait patiently for a moment.

“You know that if you’re shaking or nodding your head, I can’t hear you.”

Another moment of silence.

“If you just nodded or shook your head to answer, I need you to tell me if you can use your words.”

…

“Okay, I’m just coming in.”

You step into the bathroom. One of the very first places you ever met Lyler. The golden dress she wore before was tossed into a corner. She sits in Lyra’s bathtub, the water filled and hopelessly overflowing with bubbles.

“I used too much bubble,” she says sadly. “I droppeded the soap.”

“Well, you know what they say about dropping the soap,” you add cheerfully. Lyler looks down at the tub. “Listen, Lyler. I owe you an apology.

“No, you don’t, Anern. I mean. Anon,” she says. “You right. I no have chance with Anern. I never try. But I not want to… make Anon die alone.”

“Lyler,” you say moving next to the tub and sitting down beside her. “That’s not going to happen. And if it does, it won’t be your fault.”

Wow me, thanks for the vote of confidence.

“I no wanna hurt Anon chance with Mares.”

“You haven’t, Lyler. I do that to myself.”

You sit on the floor, looking at the ground.

“Derpy said at the mail station that you have a crush on me.”

“Yeah…” Lyler says quietly.

“She’s a good friend to you,” you say.

“Yeah…”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” you ask.

Lyler looks up at you blankly.

“I always say I love you when I go away.”

“R-right,” you say struck off guard. “I guess I don’t remember-”

You look to the ground and are struck by a smooth memory.

“LYLER WHY DID YOU PUT A CAT IN MY SHOWER.”

“YOU MAKEA DA POOSEY WET.”

“LYLER WHY.”

“I GO BYEBYE NOW ANON I LOVE YOU.”

“Oh,” you mumble. “I guess I just didn’t… understand.”

“I’m okay with die alone. But I no want Anon die alone.”

“Lyler,” you say, turning toward her again. “You aren’t going to die alone. You have so many friends now. So many more than when we first met. You’re your own mare now. I’m always going to be in your corner. Even if not as your stallion friend. Or whatever. Because that’s what best friends do.”

Lyler’s head turns up, and she faintly smiles.

“yeAH?” she asks, her volume increasing.

“Yeah.” you smile.

“YEAH?”

“YEAH!?” you scream with her.

“BEST FRIENDS FOREVAR?!”

“BESTEST FWIENDS FOR FOREVERS” you shout with her.

She laughs and lays back into her bubble bath.

“Is that better?” you ask.

“KINDA YEAH,” Lyler shouts at the ceiling.

“I gotta ask though, what was in that package?”

“LYRA DILDO. I FOUND IN DUMP AFTER TOILET DAY.”

You blink.

Okay. That’s one more thing to burn.

“Thank… you?”

“BES FWIEND.”

“Well, Lyler,” you say standing up. “I think we really… got the chance to talk and lay out some strong emotions, and I’m happy we did. But I feel bad that I was such a jerk to you today. Is there anything I can do to make your day better? Tendies? Movies? I can find Rarity and we can try to make you a Princess again. I’m sure nothing else can break her even worse.”

“SEX WITH LYLER.”

The bathroom goes silent, although, you swore you just shit yourself.

“Excuse me?”

“SEX WITH LYLER. LYLER IS VEGAN.”

You cough.

“You’re a virgin. But you shove so much.”

“HORSES NO HAVE HYMN.”

“Oh.” you mumble, although nothing in your mind has been fixed. In anything, things have broken even worse.

“You want to have sex with me?” you ask.

“LYLER NO EVER FIND SOMEONE SEX WITH.”

“Now you don’t know that,” you mutter, trying to push yourself out of a lose-lose situation.

But she looks up at you with these innocent eyes. And you pause. Streaks of tears are dry and crusted on her face. She is wearing a bold but determined smile. Is she consciously aware of what she’s doing? Does she have the power to give this sort of consent?

Okay brain. I think it’s time we have one of our talks.

‘Okay, Anon. It’s been a long time we did a talk like this. What’s up?’

Is sex with your best friend bad?

‘Good question, Anon. I’d say no! As long as all parties are sober, aware of what they’re doing, and everything is communicated. In fact, sex with close friends can be some of the most fulfilling sexual encounters a person has in their life.’

Okay, now how about sex with Lyler?

‘Fucking what?’

Yeah. I’m pretty lost.

‘This is the Lyler horse that’s punched you in the dick a lot and vomited in your mouth, right?’

Yeah.

‘And you want to have sex with her.’

I MEAN. It’s been a long time.

‘Okay, fair. But this is Lyler.’

And, wouldn’t it be better to be a close friend who actually cares about her feelings than some random horse?

‘Okay, fair. But this is Lyler.’

And, I mean. She cleaned up. She doesn’t smell. She’s literally taking a bath right now.

‘Okay, fair. But this is Lyler.’

I know.

‘This could be the weirdest thing you ever do in your life.’

I know.

‘She’s mentally handicapped.’

I know.

‘And why do you want to do this?’

You look down at the small horse with a wide smile as she looks up at you. Reaching your arms into the bath water, you slide them under the mare and lift her into your arms.

“ANON WHAT DO?”

“We’re gonna have sex.”

“WOAH.”

“Right?”

“YEAH. THIS IS BIG DEAL.”

“Right?”

“LIKE YOUR PENIS.”

“Well, I mean. Thank you.” you mumble. You open the door to the bathroom and move down to the last door on the right. Lyler’s room. It’s a mess, not unlike what it usually is.

“WAIT!”

Lyler leaps out of your arms and then takes Mr. Boom Boom from a nearby windowsill.

“Oh god.”

She turns him 180 degrees.

“MR BOOM BOOM IS NOT 18 YEARS OR OLDER TO ACCESS THIS WEBSITE.”

You raise a hand to comment, but decide this isn’t the moment to break your bullshit meter.

“Okay, Lyler,” you say gently. “Now, we’re going to take your virginity. But we’re going to do it at your pace. We’re not going to do anything you don’t ask for. I’m not going to do anything you don’t ask for. Okay?”

“OKAY!” she says, leaping onto her bed.

Oh god why?

“So, how do you want to start?” you ask.

“PANTS OFF. I WANT SUCK PEEN.”

“Oh.”

You look down to your pants. I’m so sorry little buddy. You reach into your pants and jerk yourself for a second to give yourself a half chub. You take a deep breath, and drop your pants and underwear. The air is cold against your dick, but you walk forward to Lyler, who watches your dick like porn on the discovery channel. Probably because you’re basically an animal, and the discovery channel is a filthy porn channel.

You move closer to her, but still far enough away that she has to come closer. You aren’t going to force yourself on her, no matter what.

That said, Lyler leaps off the bed, and wraps her whole mouth around your whole penis., balls and all.

“Oh jesus christ,” you mutter in surprise.

“THWAT GOOF?”

That’s when the excruciating pain starts, as Lyler has not learned to not use her teeth.

“NO TEETH! PAIN. OW.”

“WOWWY.”

Lyler’s tongue swirls all over your privates, and you have no idea what to make of this sensation. It’s good. Like, not great. But good. She’s clearly inexperienced. It vaguely reminds you of being in high school on Earth, hiding in the back by the bleachers with the captain of the chess team, but she was way less demanding and Lyler isn’t laughing at your dick.

You actually feel yourself growing harder in her mouth. Her eyes light up and she looks up to you.

“THIF IF HAWD.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” you say gently.

“TAFE GUD BUT JAW HUWT.”

“Okay, then you can take it out.”

Lyler lets go of her iron grip around your penis and smiles happily. A trail of saliva trails from the tip of your dick and her tongue.

Holy shit, how was that hot for, like, a second. Not like the moment with the candle, but. Whatever.

“SEX NOW?!” Lyler asks.

“Okay, sure,” you say with a smile.

“HOW?!”

“Well, I mean. I put my penis into you, and then-”

“NO WHAT POSITION?!”

“Well,” you say quietly. “I guess you get to choose.”

Lyler blinks then looks at the bed. She crawls up onto the bed and lays on her back with her legs up in the air.

“I LIKE THIS WAY.”

“Okay,” you say, crawling onto the bed. You take your shirt off and crawl between Lyler’s legs and she places her front hooves on your shoulders. Her mane is still wet from the bath and lays to the side. She looks up at you, nervous, but smiling that signature dorky smile of hers.

Oh god. No. You aren’t falling for Lyler. Sex isn’t love. Lyler is your best friend. And you’re doing something as a matter of trust. This isn’t feelings. Not those feelings.

“ANON LETS DO IT.”

You line your dick up to her entrance.

“Are you sure?”

“YEEE.”

“Okay. Here we go.”

You shove your dick into Lyler’s pussy.

In that moment, two feelings wash over you. Shock. And Pain.

You pull your dick out of her, and covering your dick are at least a dozen small boomboom prickles.

You blink.

“OH SAWWY.”

Lyler pulls the little prickles off with a quick glow from her horn, and pulls a few more out of herself.

“Lyler,” you say in surprise. “Your magic.”

“WHAT MAGIC?” she asks.

“Lyler. You did magic!”

Lyler looks up to her horn, then opens her mouth wide in pride.

“I DID MAGICKS.”

“YEAH!”

“OWO WHATS DIS?” she screams, grabbing your dick with her magic.

“Oh no.”

She then plunges you deep inside of her.

You feel your whole body ragdolled around the grip around your dick. And honestly? It feels really fucking great. You try to regain your focus and composure and begin to make measured, even thrusts into Lyler. Her tongue pushes her way out of her mouth as her breath grows more and more ragged.

You feel yourself push yourself deep inside her and her back arches upward in pleasure. The magic from her horn dissipates, and now you can’t help but smile as you see her losing herself to the pleasure of the moment. You continue your thrusts in even, deep, and hard measures.

“ANON!” she cries out. “THIS IS AMAZING.”

“Yeah?” you ask.

“I THINK IM GETTING CLOSE.”

“Really?” you ask. It’s been like two minutes. But, it is her first time. Who knows. Maybe she is this easy to get off. Well, if she’s this close. Might as well put a little more umph into it. You close your eyes and push yourself at your own pace. Her body tightens around you, but she still feels slick and smooth. Her breath against your skin smells of spearmint and is warm. Her gentle moans fill the room, quieter than her normal voice but strangely sensual and… cute. For Lyler.

Honestly, this is really nice. And you feel yourself honestly getting close yourself.

Then, you feel a set of lips press against yours.

You open your eyes, and sure enough, Lyler pushed her face to yours and placed her lips on yours. Feeling yourself go over the edge, you let your seed loose inside of the mare. Her body tightens and her limbs tremble. Her hooves wrap around your head and hold your tightly for a moment. The seed emptys out of your cock in burst after fulfilling burst. Then she relaxes and falls to her bed in a heap. She smiles widely, her eyes looking into yours.

Should you say something about that kiss?

“How was that?” you ask.

“AMAZBALLS!”

You chuckle and lay down beside her on the bed.

“Well, good.”

“GOOD FOR YOU TOO?”

You look at the ceiling of Lyler’s room and let out a light sigh.

“Yeah. It was good.”

When you wake up in the morning, you sit up and find yourself still in Lyler’s room. The mare lays still, cuddled up to you. Her mane is a complete mess, probably because of drying in the position it all night. Also the sex.

You gently get out of her bed and pull your clothes together.

As quietly as you can, you put all your clothes on, and step out of her room, closing the door behind you. You tiptoe down the hallway and exhale.

Well that happened. And honestly, it was kind of nice.

“Hello, Anon,” Lyra says.

You freeze, looking to the source of the sound. Lyra sits at the dining room table, holding a mug of coffee. There’s another mug of coffee made, sitting across from her.

“Why don’t you sit for a moment?” Lyra says.

“Uh…”

“It won’t take long. I promise.”

You move to Lyra’s kitchen table and sit down in front of her. She takes a sip of coffee and glares at you.

“Do you think I’m a good sister to Lyler, Anon?” she asks.

You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

“When I turned of age, my parents were going to get a divorce. They stayed together just until the ‘good daughter’ could move out. They divorced. I moved out, and they tried to send Lyler to an asylum. Instead, I volunteered my life to take care of my sister.”

You hold your mug of coffee.

“I never doubted if I was a good sister or not until you began to make comments about letting Lyler out of the house. You’ve done a really great job at socializing my sister with the world, and it was something I was horrified of doing. And for that I can’t thank you enough.”

You blink, looking back up to Lyra.

“You’ve been an amazing influence for her. And I as much as I hate to admit it, I owe you more than I can possibly give for that.”

You nod.

“Well, of course-” you begin to say.

“But if you ever, ever hurt my sister the way you did yesterday again. Or eradicate the confidence that’s taken so long for her to build. I will personally destroy you. Got it?”

You nod, gulping.

“Then I just have one more thing I want you to think about.”

You blink, unsure how to process or absorb anything of what is happening right now.

“It’s hard for me to find a stallion who… well. Actually doesn’t mind Lyler. I’d need to talk to her about… well. A lot of things now. Thanks for that. But. If you’d like to go out some time… I’m always open to the idea.” Lyra says.

She rises from her seat and then walks down the hall.

“Hey, Lyler? Lyler!”

“WHAAATT?!”

“It’s time to wake up!”

“I DON’T WANT THE PICKLES.”

Lyra sighs. And walks back out of the hall.

“You’re still here?” she asks.

“Oh, uh.”

You down your coffee and rise to your feet, heading toward the door.

“Yeah. I guess I’ll see you two around.”

You open the door and step outside.

Well, it’s a beautiful and lovely day in Equestria. You’re not really sure how to handle life at the moment, but one thing is for sure.

The more and more you got to know the mares in the house behind you, the more chaotic and random your life became. You woke up every morning not sure what was going to happen or where the world would take you. It kept things interesting to say the least, and you got pissed off. A lot.

You’ve been vomited on, pissed on, shit on, covered in mystery fluids, hurt, hospitalized, and all sorts of strange torture. But right now, you feel a different sort of sensation deep in your heart.

You feel happy.

And that’s strange. Especially for you. So, for now, you have a lot to think about. There’s a heck of a lot of things that you don’t know. But for now, you know that yesterday Lyler set out to make a really good day for you. And she did.

So, who knows what the future holds. All that you know is that right now, the world is looking as bright and fluffy as the cotton candy in the attic. And you wouldn’t change a single thing.

Guest Chapter - Lylershy Tries To Get in Your Pants by Seventh Heaven

Anon hears knocking at his door.

He opens it, but before he can say anything, Fluttershy shoves some chicken tendies into his mouth so that they're sticking halfway out.

It's at this moment that he notices Lyler standing next to Fluttershy.

"Is Lyler your fetish, anon?"

And then Lyler makes out with anon trying to get her tendies.

Author's Note

now accepting guest chapters. PM me.

Lyler's Night Out - A Commission for Vylon

It’s Friday night, and your parents are going out. Again. They try to hush their conversation near the front door, but they underestimate the power of your young ears.

"Are you sure he's going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine sweetie. Let's just go on our night out and enjoy ourselves."

"I don't know, dear. I heard some things from the girls at work about this babysitter..."

"I'm sure they’re just rumors. Let's just relax and have a nice time. Alright?"

They jump out of their hushed tones and you hear them make their way towards the front door.

"We will be home late, Anon! Be good for the sitter! I love you!"

"Love you too, Mom! Bye, Dad!" you call after them.

You hear the front door open and close with a slam. And just like that, your parents have left you home alone. The new babysitter should be here any second, you know that. Still, you nervously wonder who it will be this time.

Last time it was that weird princess horse that like, was super nice and stuff, but she began to get kind of... weird? Weird is the best way to say it. She would use the phone and call this stallion called Shining and then talk to him like he was a baby. It was mad uncomfortable yo.

So here you are, a young colt. Definitely not a young human male. You can tell because of the way that you are. With the hooves and ears and cutie mark of a human body, even though you have no idea what a human is. It's really best not to dwell on the implications.

So instead you sit in front of your television screen, playing Daring Doo. You've gotten pretty good at it, if you say so yourself. You're working on a positively sick 96 exit speedrun that you heard about from your friends at school.

You're just about to snag some 1ups when you hear two gentle knocks on the door.

"Come in it's-"

And then the door slams open, falls off the hinges, and smashes to the floor with a crash.

"JESUS CHRIST."

"HALLO ANERN IERM LYLER YER BABYSEETEER."

"YOU BROKE THE DOOR."

"IS OKAY I FIX."

Lyler has a gentle urine colored glow from her horn and she lifts the door off the ground. she slams the door into the wall horizontally, and it sticks there. Your jaw drops. What the hell?!

"Lyler. That's now how doors work."

"IS OKAY IS GAME NOW. LEMME SEE THAT DICK."

You blink.

Oh no.

Ohhh no.

This is some serious stranger danger, parent's night out shit.

"Uh. No?"

"OKAYYYY. WHAT GAME YOU PLAY?"

"Uh. I'm just," You look back to your Daring Doo game, the speedrun clearly not important anymore. "Daring Doo?"

"YOU GONNA DARING DOO THIS POOSEY."

Lyler leaps onto the air and lands firmly on you, her butthole gently pressing itself onto your nose. The succulent smell of rotting fishheads and copper fill your nostrils as you suppress the urge to vomit.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?" you shout, pushing her off of you. "HOW ABOUT WE DO DINNER."

"HOORAY I MAKE SALAD." Lyler screams.

The mare picks you up by the scruff of your neck and plants you in a chair at the kitchen table. You can feel every single strand of your fur stand on end as Lyler opens the fridge and pulls out a bowl of browning salad with a yellow-white clumpy dressing all over it.

"NOW IMMA TOSS UR SALAD."

Lyler then slips under the table and crawls under your chair.

"OKAY. THIS IS BAD TOUCH," you scream. You jump off the chair and rush underneath your front door. You gallop as fast as you can through the night air, but you hear the horrendous screeching "LEEEDLEEEDDLEEEELEEEE" behind you quickly gathering speed.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" you scream as the houses slowly turn to buildings.

"I FUGGGED URRR DAAADDDDD," Lyler calls menacingly.

You turn down an alleyway, hoping to lose her. However you're halfway down when you notice it. A brick wall. You're trapped. You turn, and standing at the end of the alleyway is a stallion with a malevolent smile, and bright green eyes.

"Hey kid," he murmurs. "Wanna /ss/?"

"What does ss mean?" you ask.

"HEY THAT'S MY BOYTOY!" screeches the autismo avenger.

Lyler stands directly behind the stallion. The stallion turns in mild surprise.

"Why don't you walk on home little mare?" he whispers forcefully. "I wouldn't want you to get... hurt."

"NOBODY HURT MY FLESH DILDO."

Lyler's eyes squint. Her horn glows, illuminating the whole alley.

Then Lyler pulls out a fucking knife and stabs THE SHIT OUT OF him.

"JESUS CHRIST." you and the stallion scream in unison as he falls to the ground, blood bleeding out everywhere.

"I LERVE U ANERN. WILL YOU BE MY SON?"

"THIS IS FUCKED UP!"

"THIS IS PRETTY MUCH AN ACCURATE RETELLINNNGGGG" LYLER screams while charging you. She leaps on top of you and burps in your face.

Thats when something triggers inside of your brain. There's no use fighting. There's no point. Why not love Lyler? Why not embrace the insanity. Every day we grow farther and farther from God's light. Yes. Lyler is your Mom now. Lyler is your God. You let her essence fill you. Her burp gases fill your nose and lungs, and your heart.

"OwO?" you whisper.

"YESSS." Lyler says in pride. "MAH BOI."

"OWO WATS DIS?" you screech.

It's just then that Celestia shows up for some fucking reason. Talking about orbs and some shit.

"I should have ended this seven chapters ago," Celestia mumbles. "You're a cancer that I can't allow to live in this fiction-verse anymore."

Celestia charges her horn. And Lyler charges hers. They both release massive beams of light like some sort of crazy dragonball z action scene that was probably cut from the original story BUT PENCIL CANT STOP ME FROM REMOVING THIS TIME.

"Priest what the fuck are you doing?"

"N-nothing. It's a request for Vylon."

"Are you doing Dragonball Z action scenes again?"

"Noooooo."

"Okay."

So Then Lyler jumps out of the way of Celestias oncoming energy blasts and screams loudly. Not to raise her power level or anything, but more because it's lyler.

Lyler pulls out her knife to stab Celestia, but Celestia's plot armor deflects the blow.

"HAH!" Celestia screams. "This is why I always cover my ass!"

Celestia boops Lyler and she falls to the floor, cumming all over the place. Defeated.

Celestia walks up to you, because you're relevant to the story again.

"What just happened? OwO?"

Celestia sighs and shakes her head.

"I've failed you, you poor colt."

"I-I don't understand. Is this for snuggles? (^u^)"

Celestia blinks.

"Oh shit I kinda get it now," she whispers.

"Get what?"

Celestia leans closer to you with a malevolent smile.

"Hey kid, wanna /ss/"

Just then, Princess Cadance walks around the corner and sees a dead body on the ground, A princess hitting on a small, furry child and a mare that's uncontrollably cumming.

"NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL QUALITY FANFICTION," she says with a wink.

The Beginning of Something Horrible

Author's Note

This story is disgusting. I think that's about all the warning I can give.

The Beginning of Something Horrible

"I need you to clean my pipes, Anon~" Cheerilee says seductively as you stand in the middle of her kitchen. With a sigh, you nod and get on your knees.

"Alright. I better get under the sink then, it's going to be a busy day,” you reply. Opening her cupboards, you push a few of her cleaning products aside and check the joints. “ You said that something was dripping and that you noticed a wetness?

Cheerilee's face scrunches and her body trembles with agitation. “No Anon, I said that I'm-”

“Well, I dunno. I don't see anything leaking right off hand,” you say to her, pulling yourself out from under her cupboard. “So, I'm going to pour some of my cleaner down your drain.”

“Finally! I thought you would never-”

Grabbing a bottle of drain-cleaner that you grabbed from the hardware store, you pour it down her kitchen sink slowly. “There we go! Now your pipes should be great. I gotta admit though, I'm surprised you've called me out so much. This is the fifth time this week! First to see why your bed was squeaking. Then to help you with that ladder and then the next time was to help you with your eggs. I mean, I know I'm a good cook, but I'm a handyman. Then before this was to see if I could deliver you my sausage. I didn't even think you ponies ATE meat. Plus that stuff was hard to get.”

She simply stares at you in pure disbelief.

"Huh. Well since this one was pretty easy... ill just charge an inspection fee,” you add with a smile.

Cheerilee's eyes light up and closes her eyes halfway. "Oh my... I'm afraid I'm all outta bits.. is there some other way I can repay you?"

"Uh.... well. Not really. Ill put it on your tab with the 4 other inspections. See ya later!" you say with a smile, striding out of Cheerilee's house with your bag of tools. She stares at you as you walk through the door. Just the gaze of another satisfied customer. Such is the life of Anon the handyman.

As you step outside, you smile, knowing you have one last stop for the day. Lyra's house. Lyra was a great friend ever since you arrived in this weird world. She was the only one who seemed to really hang off of every word that you said. Although, she did seem to have some sort of fascination with your limbs that you couldn't understand.

Lyra needed a special favor from you. She came to you in confidence, knowing that you could keep a good secret. When she came to you earlier, she seemed to be extremely concerned and unsure of who to turn to. She mumbled something about having a twin sister that she didn't like to talk about, which was a huge surprise to you. How could someone keep their own twin sister a secret?

Apparently her sister needed help with fixing a toy or something. Lyra didn't really give you a lot of details. She just mentioned that she wouldn't trust anyone else with something like this and she was heading off to work. So, naturally, you agreed to help her with her plight. Lyra smiled and mentioned that she let her sister know that you would be coming over and made you promise not to say a word about what happens. Approaching her home, you knock on the door and you hear a large crash from inside the house.

“I'M OKAY!” called a voice from inside.

“Oh... okay. Uh...” you muttered as you heard clattering from inside the home towards the front door.

The door opened slowly and a near replica of Lyra stood in front of you. Her flank bore the symbol of a large rock and the mare seemed to have the widest smile of her life adorned her face.

“HELLO!” she screamed at you. You took a step back, worried you offended her in such a short time after meeting her.

“Oh, um. Hey. I'm Anon, a friend of your sisters?” you replied to her unorthodox greeting. “She said I needed to fix something?” Suddenly, all five of your senses were immediately repulsed at the same time.

"YOU HAVE BIG DICK! CAN I TOUCH BIG DICK NOW PLEASE?" she screams directly at your crotch. Instantly, the overwhelming stench of backed up sewer assaults your senses as you view a growing puddle of brown spewing from the direction of Lyra's bathroom. The stench is so pervasive that it pushes into your mouth and you can taste fecal matter on your lips. Lyra's sister reaches out to touch you with her matted and brown colored hooves.

“Oh God. What have I gotten myself into?” you mutter to yourself as you push inside.

Stepping into the home, the sister closes the door behind you and you make your way to the bathroom, assuming this is your task at hand. Which means you will have to work quickly. Pushing into the bathroom through the sludge, the smell begins to become overbearing as you examine the toilet.

Somehow, in someway, these two sisters made this toilet forget how to toilet. Which should have been impossible, but here it was, pushing out into their home what seemed to be all of the contents of the Ponyville Sewers.

Come on, Anon. Think quickly. Maybe if you... reversed the flow?

Hell, that's crazy enough to work in this world. Grabbing your trusty plunger, you ram it into the toilet, but it can't get a good hold. The smiling green horse skips into the bathroom, the liquid splashing droplets onto the walls as she makes her way towards you.

“I PUT LYRA'S BOYFRIEND IN THERE!” she exclaims proudly. “IT WENT DOWN THE HOLE!”

You look to her, then back to the toilet. Lyra's boyfriend? What in the world is she talking about?

Well, no matter what, you gotta try to stop the block. Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes and try to imagine you are just reaching into a huge bowl of pudding.

This was not pudding.

Your fingers plunge into the slimy wetness of the back flowing toilet and feel thicker clumps brush by your hand as you push in deeper. Then a large, slippery and phallic object grazes your finger tips. It's your best shot. Wrapping your hand around it, you get a firm grip and try to yank on the block. Yet nothing comes out.

Getting into your power stance, you pull with all your might and grunt as you try to exert as much force as possible.

“OOH! I CAN MAKE FUNNY NOISES TOOO! WATCH!” The horse begins to do her best imitation of a dying whale that is about to throw up.

“Could... you please... not do that?” you ask patiently.

“OOOKAY!” she replies and is suddenly silent. Only staring at you. You suppose that's some form of improvement. Just one last pull.

Pulling with all of your might, you feel the object begin to give and then suddenly gives away. The sudden shift in force causes you to lose your balance as you watch a large, flopping, vibrating-

Oh god, look away.

Turning your head, the world goes into slow motion as your face begins to head straight into the muck. You open your mouth to say a single curse word, but your face collides with the tile before anything could come out. In a way, you had to eat your word.

Repressing the urge to vomit, you limp to the sink and rinse your mouth out as the toilet begins to return to normal. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you have a trickle of blood running down your face and your entire body is covered in backed up sewer. The only thing you hear is a buzzing in the background.

This is your life. What could you have possibly done to deserve this?

“Well, at least that's over...” you say, turning to Lyra's sister. “Sorry for just barging in, it just looked like an emergency.” Glancing out to the hall, you see the puddle soaking into the carpet. The green horse simply stares at you as you continue talking. “So, uhm. Like I said. I'm Anon. Who are you?”

“MY NAME IS LYLER!” she yells proudly. “THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE!”

“So, uh,” you mutter as you wipe the crap off your clothes. “What do you do, Lyler? Something with rocks?”

“ROCKS TASTE YUMMY, BUT MAKE MY TEETH HURT!” she replies.

You stare at her as the words slowly process in your brain.

“MY FAVORITE FOOD IS THE COTTON CANDY IN THE ATTIC!” she adds.

“Uhm. Okay. Uh. I'm going to go and get a vacuum,” you inform her with a sense of caution. For some reason, you were concerned that one wrong move might make this mare suddenly snap.

You step through the home and head to where the coat closet was. Thankfully, when you opened it, the vacuum cleaner was there. The last thing you needed was to get more intimate with Lyra's belongings. Grabbing the vacuum, you head back to the bathroom to try and clean things up a little bit.

Returning to the contamination zone, you plug in the vacuum cleaner and Lyler stares at it, her mouth open in excitement. You look from her, to the device, and then back to her.

“Do you... like the vacuum cleaner?” you ask. Lyler shakes her head and nods violently. “Uh. Okay. Well, I'm going to turn it on.”

When you flip the switch on the device, the young mare's eyes widen and she begins to scream at the top of her lungs, backing away from the device. Quickly, you shut it off.

“Oh my God! Are you okay?” you ask in a panic.

“YES. ME LIKE VACUUM.” she answers as if nothing happened.

A moment of silence passes between you two.

You flip the switch on and she begins to scream again and panic. Her body trembles in fear. You turn it off, and she's suddenly back to normal.

On. Screaming. Off. Smile.

On. Off. On. Off.

“THIS IS TERRIFYING!” Lyler yells happily.

“Do you want me to use this damn thing or not?!” you scream at her.

“YES!” she replies.

“OKAY!” you yell, flipping the switch. She begins to scream at the top of her lungs as you begin to vacuum up the massive puddle of crap on the ground.

After 10 minutes of high pitched screaming and you are damn sure the neighbors thought Lyler was murdered by now, the house is left with a lasting smell that will ruin appetites for weeks. After a quick bag empty, you survey the plumbing of the toilet one last time and cast a glance at Lyra's toy.

On second thought, she can deal with that herself.

“Alright, Lyler. It was a pleasure to meet you. Uhm, but I gotta go now... soo. Unless there is something you need fixing...”

“OOH! OOH! I NEED FIX! TOY NEED FIIX!” she yells as you mention the word fix. Instantly, you regret extending the offer.

"What toy do you need fixing?" you ask solemnly.

She lights up with pure glee. Then pees on the ground little.

"You fix Mr. BOOMBOOM!" she demands. You stare at her curiously.

"Okay. I'll fix Mr. Boomboom,” you say assuredly. “Now where is he?"

"STUCK!" says Lyler proudly.

"Uh.. stuck where?" you ask in a cautious tone. She turns around and proudly shows her bleeding and bruised privates.

"HUR!" You stare at it for a moment in pure amazement. For the very first time in your life, you are completely speechless. Nothing you could have possibly done in your life time could have prepared you for this moment. So, you ask the first question that came to your mind.

"How long has that been happening?" For some reason, deep down in your soul, you knew this wasn't the first time.

"TREE DAYS."

"What is Mr. Boomboom?" you ask in amazement.

"POKEY PLANT."

Your jaw drops to the floor and the entirety of your body shudders.

"I LIKE GIVING BIRTH TO HIM. IMMA MAMA,"

You silently back out through the door and ask the neighbors next door to call for an ambulance. The right thing to do would be to stay... but sometimes you have draw the line and ask yourself: “What am I willing to put up with today.” One thing is for sure.

Not fucking this.

As you lie in bed in the middle of the night, your mind trails off to how in the world that mare could be so crazy. She didn't seem to be challenged in anyway. She didn't give off that vibe. It was more like... she was crazy. It was like she couldn't smell disgusting things, couldn't hear properly and had an unusually high tolerance for pain.

Was it drugs?

You stare at the ceiling pondering the question. Even if you knew, it wouldn't change anything. It sure would make talking to Lyra a little awkward for awhile. A part of you is just happy you could help out.

She should probably get a new robot boyfriend though.

Oh well, that's for future Anon to worry about. With a yawn, you roll over in bed and gently close your eyes, wondering what tomorrow could possibly bring. Hopefully not another call from Cheerilee.

A moment passes as you listen to the gentle sounds of Ponyville's night. The wind brushing the leaves through the trees. The sound of your home settling in and the gentle ticking of your alarm clock. Slowly, you begin to drift off to sleep.

Then your eyes shoot open and you sit up in bed. The answer was suddenly so clear now. Cheerilee. “SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX THE WHOLE TIME!”

A Hole in Lyler

Author's Note

This is a Lyler Homage to A Hole in One by anonpencil

A Hole in Lyler

As the sun gently rises over the horizon of Ponyville, it's rays batters your eyes and forces you out of your slumber. With a blink, you smile and stretch in your own bed. Today, you don't have to do a damn thing.

Thank. God.

But, you already know, the first thing you want to do. Go back to sleep.

Except, there's one problem. This side of the bed is too warm.

Turning over, you find yourself nose to nose with a lime-green mare.

Wat.

"HI ANERN"

Your eyes shoot open. This was not how your day should have started. A part of you wants to believe you are dreaming. Except, Lyler lying next to you is not the same as a sexy changeling queen.

"WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE."

"IT NICE HERE"

You stare at her. She stares back at you with a dumbfounded smile.

"Why are you in my bed?" you ask, this being the most pressing question on your mind, for some reason.

"I HAVE SECRIT"

Oh god. Oh god. What the fuck could this horse be keeping secret?

If she openly announces that she shits on the ground, what could she hide? Well, then again, most ponies shit on the ground.

It's complicated.

This is Lyler we are talking about here. She's a fucking special case.

"W-what's your secret?" you ask, unsure if you truely want to know the answer.

Her eyes widen as a smile curls at the edges of her lips. The expression doesn't settle your concerns. In fact, if your concerns were a pit of snakes, they just added spikes at the bottom, and there's a strange tall man with a gun poking you in the back.

At least, you hope it's a gun.

Bleeding out might not be as bad as-

"i want to make the baby with you, anun," Lyler whispers.

"Wait, Wha-"

"LETS HAVE BABIES ANERN" she screeches, leaping to her hooves.

"WOOAH! HOLD-"

Without another word, Lyler swings her hoof into the air and smashes it down on your man-meat. A surge of electricity courses through every nerve in your body as your curl into a ball. Your face contorts and a whimper leaves your mouth.

"WE MAKE LEG BABY!"

Lyler batters at your arms, which are desperately trying to protect your family jewels as you try to roll away from her. As you roll off the bed, your nose collides with your wooden floor, and a spray of blood shoots down your lips and neck.

"AUGH! FUCK!" you sputter, pushing blood out of your mouth.

The green unicorn hops off the bed and stares at you curiously, flicking her tail and twitching her ears.

"WHY YOU LIE DOWN? U NO HAVE GURL PART!" she bellows.

Her head turns one way, then another. Then Lyler's eyes light up again. With a single, hard kick, her hoof lines up with your side, and you roll over out of instinct, trying to protect your new bruise.

"BETTER! BABY MINE NOW!"

Lyler's assault on your Rod of Ages continues, each hit seeming to make her more and more distressed. Breathing becomes difficult as your try to push her hooves away, but 4 limbs isn't match for two. When you try to raise your legs, even more constriction is placed on your sensitive dice bag, shooting more pain through your fragile frame.

"WHY IT NOT STIFFIE?" she screams.

"Please, stop," you beg.

She looks at you.

"OH! DO YOU WANT TO GIVE THE LICKIES?"

You look at her in horror as she smiles at you dearly, clearly excited by the aspect of 'the lickies'.

What the F-

Instantly, you find your mouth filled with pony ass.

Which, normally would be a great thing. Except, this is Lyler we are talking about.

She violently rubs her butthole on your lips in some attempt to be sexy. You expected the putrid, violent stench of molded over vegetables, like when you helped clean Princess Twilight's kitchen after Spike was on vacation for a week. In your head, you expected that at any moment a spray of milk chocolate, imported from the toilet bowl, would cleanse your palate of any worldly innocence you had left in your sorry life.

Except, it didn't happen.

In fact, was that... perfume?

You open your eyes, grab her marshmellowy pony flank, and push her flank up to get a good look. Surprisingly, she's perfectly bleached her pony-ponut and it seems that it's pretty damn well taken care of. Even her mare parts don't seem to smell like a sickening combination of maggots, blood, and last week's baked bads.

It's like... she took care of herself for today.

"Lyler, did you clean yourself?"

"NO LYRA GOT THE FIREHOSE."

"Oh."

Whatever. It's not like you get any action around here.

Fuck it.

You never thought you'd say this, but let's lick Lyler's butthole.

Flutterpriest sits in his chair, looking at the line he just wrote. He grabs his bottle of scotch, sighing to himself.

"Fuck."

You lean in closely to Lyler's tight, flesh star and place your tongue on it. It tastes clean, and surprisingly neutral. Like skin.

As you trace the rim of the hole, you find her ass suddenly disappear from your hands. It's quickly replaced by Lyler's face, with her tongue blopped out. Then, a hoof enters your vision.

It's too quick for you to have any sort of reaction, as the hoof connects directly with her nose, and the back of your head connects with the wooden floor. More blood sprays into the air as a splitting headache takes ahold of any train of thought that you had and runs it off the tracks.

Into a small country town's Gas Storage faility.

There were no survivors.

"FUCK!" you scream so hard that it scrapes the back of your throat.

"IS THIS SEXY?"

"NO!"

"KISS ME ANERN!"

"WILL YOU STOP FUCKING HITTING ME IF I DO?" you say, just wanting this terrible, terrible experience to stop.

"ME WANT BABY NOW."

"FUCKING FINE!"

You push your hand into Lyler's mane and press your lips firmly onto hers. Guiding her tongue back into her mouth with yours, you intertwine your tongue with the tip of hers, but don't dare to venture too deep into her mouth. She continues the kiss, somehow keeping up with your well-trained kissing skills. Well-trained on a human.

That you totally kissed on Earth.

You swear.

It was the best day at grade school ever.

But, then your best friend forgot to say 'No Homo' and it got really weird.

Anyway.

You finally break the kiss, and lean back to examin the blood spattered face of Lyler, who stares down at you in shock. Her eyes are wide, and staring directly into yours. Lyler's expression softens, and she gently smiles, tears welling in her eyes. You can't help but feel some sort of feeling well in your chest.

And you don't think it's a heart attack.

At least, you could dream... but you tend to take good care of yourself.

You smile back. Carefully, you reach your hand up and wipe some of the blood off of her face. You know, you never really realized how nice her eyes were. They had a shade of gold that you've only ever seen in paintings and there was an innocence behind them that you didn't expect to see.

"How was that?" you ask gently.

Lyler blushes and looks away from you, breaking eye contact. Your hand gently pulls her back to lock eyes again.

"Wanna do that again?"

Lyler nods like a shy little girl and you chuckle in response. You bring your face closer to hers and she gently closes her eyes. Heh. You know. When she's like this, you'd never think that she was this repulsive. Your lips nearly connect, when you hear an abnormally loud grumble from Lyler's stomach.

She groans and her eyes clench shut as her body tightens in pain. Her stance over you weakens as you watch her with concern.

"Hey... hey. What's wrong?" you ask.

The groan comes again, louder than before as she collapses on top of you. You sit up and look over her carefully.

"Lyler? Are you okay? What should I do?"

With one last intense groan, Lyler curls into a ball on your lap as you pet her mane, feeling helpless.

"It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. Tell me what's wrong. Let me help you."

Then, she stops. She sits up happily like a dog, still in your lap and smiles widely, showing her yellowed teeth.

"BABY TIME."

Wat.

Before you can even register what she was going to say, her mouth opens, and a torrent of green, slippery slime pours out of her throat and onto your face and into your mouth.

Sound fills your ears, although you aren't actually sure it's there.

Optional Listening

You fall backwards slowly. The muck overwhelms you as you can feel it collide into your eyeballs. The vomit pierces into you badly bleeding and abused nose, filling your smell with her intestinal juices. It runs down your throat as you can taste it's horrid acid on the way down. All you can hear is the gurgling rush of fluids that makes your muscles cringe. The slime makes your skin crawl and makes the rest of your body feel numb. Lyler had, in a few short seconds, raped every one of your five senses.

Your head collides with the floor one more time as your head turns to the side, still being waterfalled by a projectile stream of juice. Then, a massive thud connects with the side of your head, aggravating your already bad headache.

You hear something plop by the side of your head with a sickly squish. Then, nothing. The puke stops.

You open your eyes, wondering how in the world you could have this happen to you. Where did you go wrong in life? Was it all the times you kicked Fluttershy? Was it all the times you re-arranged Twilight's library and blamed spike? Or did God just hate you?

You turn your head again, just like you did when you woke up this morning. Only, this time you were bleeding, covered in vomit and wanted to die. Once again, just like this morning, a pair of golden eyes lock with yours.

Except. This face, was human.

Your eyes opened wide as you took in the creature. The upper half was human, and the lower half seemed to be just like Lyler. A Pony.

You remember the name of these creatures from an old fantasy book you read. Satyrs.

JESUS FUCK YOU CREATED AN ABOMINATION WITH LYLER.

"DADA!" it screams out loud.

"No."

"I NAME HER HOOPIE!" Lyler screams.

"No no no."

"HOOPIE!" the little satyr says.

"NO NO NO NO!"

Hoopie opens her mouth with a wide smile and then forces a strong stream of green, thick slime at your chest. It's much thinner and not as powerful as her mother's but it tells you two things.

She takes after her mother.

Oh my God you created a monster.

With a gentle thud of your chest, you aren’t even surprised as something plops onto your chest and sits there silently, covered in green slime. A baby cactus, in a small ceramic pot, rests on your chest.

"BOOMBOOM JUNIOR!" The mother and daughter call out in unison.

You rise to your feet, covered in blood, vomit, and what you think are your tears. As you stand up, you feel the surging pain of a ravaged ballsack, which causes you to huddle over.

"I'm done," you whimper.

You turn around, and head towards your bedroom door.

Step one: Leave this house.

Step two: Go to Ghastly Gorge.

Step three: Jump.

Step four: Atone for your sins.

"BUT ANERN!" Lyler calls to you as you leave.

You open the door to your bedroom and look to Lyler and Hoopie. Hoopie is giggling intently as she repeatedly slaps her hand on prickly points of the cactus, and Lyler looks at you in pure dismay.

"HOW WILL I GET CHILD SUPPERT?"

"Nope," you say simply, and walk out.

The stairs are difficult to descend, but you make your way down. As you head towards your front door, you hear a gentle knock at the door. You pay it absolutely no mind as you push it out towards the world, catching a certain purple dragon off guard. The door swings open, knocking Spike into your prized rose bushes.

"Oooww!"

You ignore his yelp as you push west. Just keep walking, Anon. There's nothing left in this world. Just keep walking. You continue on into the morning sun, never to be seen in Ponyville again.

"Okay Anon! You got me! Now can you pull me out of these bushes?" Spike asks.

...

"Anon? Are you there?"

"Anon. I think I'm stuck, and these thorns are digging into my scales."

...

"Anon? Twilight?"

...

"Maybe if I just shift a little- OWW ow ow."

"ANON! THIS REALLY HURTS!"

...

"Shoot."