Pony Swagger

by Zaresto

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 4167

If a brony gets suddenly transported to Equestria, can one just fit in with life there? Maybe.

After a near death experience, one brony is suddenly transported to Equestria due to the curiosity of two familiar alicorn princesses who transform him into one of their own, a unicorn, to help him fit in with this "familiar" land of Equestria that he and so many others like him have come to know and love. But it seems that his presence has come to cause more problems than it has solved, as a mysterious force crash lands his carriage in the middle of Ponyville. How will he now fit in with life in Ponyville? What about his past life, how can he just forget his former friends?

(This is a re-written version of my former fanfiction, and yes, I know that this "Human in Equestria" thing has been raped up the ass, but this here's different. More characters will be added if they come into play)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-12 16:20:17 UTC

Transportation to Equestria

“Everything in life is luck.”-Donald Trump

As I put my drawing equipment aside, I saved the image that I was drawing in some random file that I cared little about and began to turn off my behemoth desktop computer. I wasn’t much for procrastination, but it was a badass day outside, as I had noticed when a squirrel got run over by a taxi just outside my window,  and I just couldn’t resist taking a scenic walk over to the deli to see how Jeff’s been. As I pushed my chair away from my table and stood up, stretching as I looked down at myself. I was still dressed in my Rarity-themed boxers, my bed not yet made. I still hadn’t eaten breakfast, so I figured I might as well pick up something to munch on. As my computer screen turned to black, I grabbed a pair of jeans that I had thrown on the floor the night before, along with a plain black t-shirt, which I covered with a hooded jacket, as the early autumn winds made the outside air feel pretty chill.

I grabbed my man-bag, since I planned on looting some abandoned buildings in the area after I had ate. I put the book I had just started reading, “The Last Unicorn”, into the bag, as well as some drawing utensils and a sketch pad. I yawned as I put both my cell phone and my keys to my house in my pocket, and I then went out the door. Closing the door, going down the stairs, and heading outside were all routine for me, I had done those actions so many times before. As I was greeted by the cool autumn air, I quickly put my hood on and, with my hands in my pockets, I began to swagger across the street. I was now nearing the deli, and I soon found myself walking up to the door and opening it, feeling that familiar jingle of a bell as I walked in, letting the door slowly close by itself. My friend waved to me as he saw me walking over to the counter.

“How’s everything been going?” I asked Jeff as I looked around the rather new deli. The floors had just been cleaned and the shelves were re-stocked and re-positioned, at least, compared to the last time I had been here.

“Nothing much here, my bro’s caught a bit of a cold, but my dad and I can keep the business running. You gonna buy something? Oh yeah, I did some research last night, I proved that Soarin is best pony,” Jeff replied in his usual tone of voice.

“Man, you KNOW Rarity is best pony, and when are ya gonna quit hassling me to buy something everytime I come here? But whatever, broski, I’ll just take a breakfast bagel, extra cream cheese, and a bottle of Snapple, kay?” I told him.

“Whatever, man, just grab that Snapple and let me scan it,” he said, going to make my breakfast bagel. I casually walked over to where the bottled drinks were kept, and grabbed a bottle of that delicious mango flavored drink. As my hand reached to take it out of the freezer, I heard the jingle of the bell near the door as two people came in, each wearing ski masks. The first one dashed straight for the liquor aisle, while the other walked up to Jeff, who was still preparing my bagel.

“The money,” commanded the man, taking out a gun and aiming it sideways at Jeff, who was just turning around, his hands now in the air. The man motioned for Jeff to take out all the money from the register, to which Jeff was quick to comply, his life on the line. I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing, I had to act.

“Put away the gun,” I calmly told the robber. He did not look at me, keeping his eyes on Jeff, but, he was still able to reply.

“Yeah?! And what you gonna do, boy?!” He asked, giving a small chuckle. Since he wasn’t looking, I had managed to sneak around him, Snapple bottle in hand. I had the element of surprise.

“Ya know what? Imma love and tolerate the SHIT outta you!” I yelled, forcing the butt of my Snapple bottle upon his weak and feeble cranium. The bottle exploded and the cold, sugary drink soaked the robber as he fell to the ground with a thud. By now, the other robber had already taken out his gun and was aiming it at me. As soon as I turned and looked at him, he let off a few bullets, but as I braced my body and waited for the impact, I was surprised to find that nothing had hit me. As I opened my eyelids, I found my vision to have blurred, but time seemed to have stopped.

Of course, it wasn’t me who did it, so it must have been that someone, something, or, perhaps, somepony had stopped time for me. Unfortunately, before I could run rampant around the city performing hilarious hijinks, I felt my body being moved, teleported, in fact. It felt like getting sucked into a black hole or something, not that I had experienced spaghettification myself. I soon found myself in an abandoned building, a ruin of sorts, the forest surrounding it had begun to creep up with its vines, slowly piercing the windows and sneaking themselves into the room itself. A few meters away, facing me, were two hooded . . . horses?

“Silence, do not speak!” commanded the one with violet legs in a rather booming voice, but I was already speechless, I heard that voice before. They both took their hoods off as my assumptions on who they were were proven correct.

“Greetings, stranger, I am Princess—” began the white alicorn, but I had already finished her sentence for her.

“Celestia, and that is Princess Luna, your sister,” I said as she was about to say the exact same thing as I. The two princesses looked at me, their faces filled with shock and surprise.

“How do you . . . know our names?” asked Princess Luna, in a much calmer of a voice than before.

“Uh . . .  it’s a long story,” I replied with a small grin plastered upon my face.

“You’re probably wondering why you’re here right now, aren’t you?” Princess Celestia asked. I nodded. “Well, you see, we hope to learn from ‘your species’, and we wanted to bring ‘your kind’ along here to Equestria to examine you and see how we both can mutually benefit from our experiences together. We want you to ‘fit in’ with the life in one of our towns. So, we send to Ponyville, you send us letters, win-win situation,” she explained. As soon as she mentioned Ponyville, I felt my jeans becoming uncomfortably tight right around my pelvic region, and I saw Celestia eying it creepily.

“Right, sooo, uhh, when do I become a pony?” I asked nervously. Celestia gave a small nod to nod to Luna, who took a step forward. Luna’s horn let out a pulsing, radiant light, and soon I found myself encased in a faint purple glow, but after a small “poof” I found that my vision was obscured by my clothing. As I tried to get my clothing off of my body, I found that, instead of fingers and hands, that I had . . . hooves? I was a . . . pony, a unicorn, in fact, as I found out once I kicked off the clothing that had encased me. I looked down at myself: my coat was deep lust red, my mane was long, and it was a deep, rich brown, as though it had just been washed with shampoo and conditioner. As I looked at my flank, I had seen what I had expected to see . . . no cutie mark. The two princesses waited impatiently for me to finish gazing at my figure and actually pay attention to them. Luna cleared her throat loudly to get me to stop gazing at my sweet hunk of a body, and I soon stood in attention to the two. “Where’s my cutie mark?” I asked stupidly.

“It is not within our power to bestow cutie marks, you understand that you must earn one yourself,” Luna replied

“Won’t it look strange when I’m sauntering around Ponyville as a grown stallion that’s still a blank-flank?” I asked the two. Neither Celestia nor Luna responded to my question, they just looked off into the distance, ignoring my inquiry.

“Well, anyway, I need to tell you some more information before I let you go,” Celestia began. I nodded for her to continue, and so she did, “Of course, since you’re going to Ponyville, you’re probably going to meet my good student, Twilight Sparkle. You know of her, right?” I nodded, and she kept talking, “You’re gonna have to keep everyone thinking you’re from a place called ‘Stalliongrad’. If anyone asks you where that is, tell them it’s on the outskirts of our lands, and that they don’t teach magic there. But going back about Twilight Sparkle, she will make sure that you and I . . . keep in touch. Oh, and I almost forgot, you’re new name is, uh . . . North Star, deal with it,” she finished.

“Now, when do I get to leave for Ponyville?” I asked the two princesses. They looked at each other and then back at me. They seemed so. . . serious. I can’t be that big of a risk, can I? Unless something happened with the last human here.

“Come with me,” Luna said in an almost commanding tone. I followed her as she led me down the steps, Celestia following behind me, her eyes creepily locked on my flank, even when I continually looked back to see what she was doing. I swear I saw her licking her lips. Outside the ruins of the tower, we came across a carriage, two large, hefty pegasi stallions at its head, waiting for us to board. As we did, they glanced at each other, as though they had felt something was wrong with my presence. My stomach sank a bit as the carriage began to move, the pegasi at the carriage head flapped their wings as they ran and slowly, but surely, the carriage began to fly up into the air, up out of what I presumed to be Everfree Forest. It was bright, sunny, and cloudless day, and it seemed that noon had already passed, as the hung to the western horizon. It was quite while before one of us actually spoke.

“I apologize for my inquiry, North Star, but how exactly do you know so much about us?” Luna asked me.

“Yes, I am also intrigued about how you know about us,” Princess Celestia added.

“Do enlighten the both of us while we travel,” Luna said in addition. At first I didn’t know what to respond with, but I soon came up with a rather half-assed response.

“I guessed,” I stated bluntly to the two princesses. They both looked at me, annoyed.

“I know you’re lying. Now, please, tell us the truth,” Celestia said in a calm tone. Now I was in a real pickle. I couldn’t tell them that it was all a cartoon, they would be disgraced and would not believe me. But neither could I say that my race has also know about theirs, I wasn’t about to tell THAT big a lie. Luckily, we just so happened to descend into the town of Ponyville, and it gave me a chance to change the subject.

“Oh, look, we’re here!” I said nervously, a trickle of sweat running down my forehead. The two princesses each glared down at me. Unfortunately, none of us noticed we were losing altitude more rapidly than we should have until it was too late. Both of the pegasi at the carriage seemed to have, somehow, fallen asleep after a mysterious blue glow overtook them. I had been the first one to notice, but I said nothing, merely pointing forward with my hoof to get the princess’s attention, my face now flushed with fear, I was speechless. As the two princesses looked forward, their pupils dilated as we all held onto each other comically, screaming, bracing for the impact, Celestia awkwardly groping my flank. “Wait, didn’t the princesses have wings?” I thought to myself as we were about to crash down into the ground, I had also noticed that each of them formed a protective outline around themselves, but, probably in their haste, they didn’t form one around me.

The Hopscotch Champ

Author’s Note: Thanks for all the positive feedback, guys! I’ll be sure to keep typing away new chapters as best as I can.  Sorry for the FULL WEEK delay as well, I was just really lazy this past week.

The two stallions at the carriage head had it the worst, they were the first ones to feel the impact, and I swear I could hear a crunching of bone as the carriage reached the ground, but all I was focused on was waiting for the pain to hit, and it did, about a few moments after the stallions had hit the ground. Unfortunately, the three of us were catapulted into the air right before we were about to be hit ourselves. The pain from the crash hit my body as though I was hit by a truck, and I soon became unconscious, although the situation would have turned out much better for the two princesses.

“Right, since he’s unconscious, can I molest his body now?” I heard a familiar voice say.

“Sister! This is a public area! You cannot say such things! Save it for Wednesday night!” another voice retorted to the first one.

“B-but that’s, like, a day away!” said the first voice, which I had now determined as being Princess Celestia, or, in this case, Princess “Molestia”

“Your flank can wait!” replied the second, obviously Princess Luna. I slowly began to open my eyes, covering them with my hooves as the light hit my head. I looked at the two Princesses, Princess Celestia actually looked a bit embarrassed. Before any of us could speak, a doctor came in. He wore a typical white coat and, for some reason, had a clipboard.

“Right,” he began, obviously talking to me, “After you were brought here, the princesses did most of my job for me due to a healing spell the performed on your then unconscious body, so I took a lunch break and went out golfing. It’s good to see that you’ve already made a full recovery, and it seems that six ponies have come to see you,” the doctor said in his emotionless, droned-out voice.

I immediately jumped out of my bed and stood at attention, waiting for what I presumed to be the mane six. A few seconds after the doctor left the room, I saw I sight that I had not expected to see. There were six ponies all right, but not the kind I was hoping for. Six furious earth stallions came into the room, and the two princesses looked at each other then quickly teleported themselves out to safety.

“You gonna pay for your damages to our house!” said the stallion in front of the group.

“Yeah!” shouted one of the stallions.

“C’mon boyos, let’s get him!” shouted another, and soon they began to encircle me. I knew I had to duke it out with them. I gritted my teeth and stood in position.

“Right, we gonna settle this the only way I know how . . . with a game!” shouted the one who was at the front of the group before.

A game? Was he serious? Did he really want to settle this with a game?

“Wh-what kind of game?” I asked, trying not to sound nervous.

“It’s a game we here made up, we call its: Hopscotch,” said the group leader.

“I’m pretty sure someone already invented that game,” I commented.

“You want a chance to not get beat up? Yes? Then you best watch your wording, now c’mon boys, we going outside, get the chalk!” said the leader. The group soon left the room and I followed behind them. We made our way outside, and two stallions in the group got two pieces of chalk from their saddlebags and began drawing a crude congregation of quadrilaterals with numbers in the middle of them.

“So, what happens if I win?” I asked as the game ground had finished being set up.

“You get to not pay us, but if we win, you gotta give us the dough,” said the dude. Just then, the princesses teleported back to me as the guy was about to start. He then began hobbling on one foot, and I swear the princesses were cheering him on, passing forward one block, two block, three block . . . and falling over in agony, clutching his bladder area. “Crud! Im gonna pass a kidney stone!” he shouted in pain as he rolled on the ground.

“Oh shit!” somepony else yelled, trying to help with getting the dude up. That was the last time I saw him, and, frankly, I was kinda glad. It seemed that I won by technicality, but I didn’t want to celebrate, I just walked over to the princesses, seeing if they wanted anything else from me.

“So, anything else I should know before I set off into the land of Equestria to perform strings of mass murders and robberies?” I asked the two.

“WHAT?! Thou dare commit crimes in my land?! Sister, I will send him to the moon!” Luna said. I backed away a bit.

“Woah, I was only joking,” I said nervously. Luna let a sigh of relief, Celestia only rolled her eyes at her sister.

“Listen ‘North Star’, you better have a good personality made up, because you’re nopony without one,” Celestia told me. I had to make up a personality, but what would it be? Surfer dude? Ganstalicious? Hipster? No, I had one: Broski. I cleared my lips, ready to speak.

“Right, mayun, I’ll be sure to remember that, brah!” I said in a mellow tone. They looked at me, puzzled, and a bit perturbed.

“Well, I’m glad you have chosen a personality and character, but this is very . . . unfamiliar to us, but, if it fits you, you can use it.” Celestia said, raising an eyebrow.

“I guess I have to agree with you, sister. North Star’s personality reflects his small intellect.” Luna said to her sister. I grew slightly angry at that comment, but otherwise did nothing. I shouldn’t get enraged at the two ponies who brought me here.

“Well, if you have nothing else to say, I’ll just be going to Ponyville, to rut the Mane Six- I mean befriend them,” I said as I took off in a light swagger, still vaguely unfamiliar with my body. I had only went about three feet, before Celestia teleported in front of me, blocking my path. I stopped my hooves just in time to not ram into her.

“Not so fast, don’t you pull any funny business when near my student! And I need a report from you by the end of tomorrow, got it?!” Celestia yelled. I wanted to reply in some way, but I seemed to be speechless, so I just nodded and walked around her. As I walked toward the center of Ponyville, I noticed that there were ponies bustling about, about seventy percent of them female. There’s Vinyl Scratch, I’d tap that. There’s Octavia, I’d tap that also. Hell, I’d tap all the mares here . . . man, what the hell is wrong with me, I just got here, and now I’m thinking of copulation?

Maybe I should tone down my swag-o-meter. As I trotted along, I could see Twilight’s library.

“Might as well . . .” I said to myself as I walked over to the tree-house and knocked on the door. As a familiar purple mare opened it, I could see five others just waiting inside the house.

“Oh, you must be North Star! The Princess sent us a message that you would be coming here to Ponyville, but that was an hour ago, what took you so long?” Twilight Sparkle asked me, letting me in. Before I could answer, I was distracted by a hyperactive pink pony, which I knew as Pinkie Pie.

“Hi there, my name’s Pinkie Pie, you’re new here, right? Of course you’re new! I’ve never seen you before, so why wouldn’t you be new? By the way, what’s your name? And, this might seem strange, but I really like your mane! Hey, that rhymes, name, mane!” Pinkie stopped, she gasped for air and tried to continue her sentence, but Twilight put a hoof around Pinkie’s mouth, muffling Pinkie’s voice until she gave up.

“Well, since you asked, mayun, the name’s North Star, and I had a few delays on my trip here, so that’s why I’m late. But it’s a pleasure to meet you all, Princess Celestia told me a bit about you all. Like . . . you’re Twilight Sparkle, and you’re Pinkie Pie, of course, and your Rainbow Dash, you’re Applejack, you’re Rarity, and you’re Fluttershy,” I said, pointing to the respective characters of the mane six.

“Please, North Star, have a seat, the Princess told us that we should help you fit in, as this town is much different that the town you’re from, Stalliongrad, was it?” Twilight asked, I nodded, and she continued, “ Well, we’ve here have already decided that Rarity will house you, she has an extra room,”

“Hold it! We did not decide anything!” Rarity interrupted.

“Come on Rarity, you’re the only one that has an extra room! He’ll make up for it!” Twilight whispered, making sure I didn’t here.

“Oh fine, Twilight, I’ll house him until he has enough money for his own house,” Rarity replied.

“Thanks, mayun, I’ll make it up to yah, promise,” I told Rarity.

“Whatever,” she said under her breath. I was a bit perplexed to why she already had despised me so, but I just shrugged.

“So, where can I make some dough?” I asked the mane six.

“Try looking around town, I’m sure there’s help wanted somewhere,” Twilight suggested.

“Or you could help me around the farm,” Applejack suggested.

“You’re a unicorn, right, so your magic can help you, can’t it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Actually, I’ve never been taught how to use magic . . .” I replied. They all gasped and looked at me. An dead silence filled the room, but Twilight broke it.

“Fear now, I, a personal student of Princess Celestia herself, can help you learn it, I Pinkie Pie promise! Just visit me whenever you have the time and I will teach you all that I know. But, for now, I think our meeting is done here, no? You should leave with Rarity, she’ll show you where you’ll be for the night,” Twilight finished. Everyone except Twilight quickly headed for the door, and I followed behind Rarity to her house.

“So, how’s it like in ‘Stalliongrad’? I’ve never heard of that town,” Rarity asked me as we walked.

“It’s an okay city, but I think I like Ponyville better, you know brah?” I replied.

“That’s what they all say . . .” she said under her breath, “ Now I hope you find a job sooner rather than later, I don’t really appreciate you living in my house, no offense,” she said to me.

“None taken, I’ll be sure to find something that suits me as soon as I can, promise,” I said to her.

“Now, I must ask, why exactly can’t you use magic?” she asked in a manner of genuine intrigue.

“Well, uh . . . we’re not exactly taught it over in my home town, you know?” I said nervously.

“I noticed you don’t have a cutie mark either, what is up with that?” she continued to inquire. Well, that was embarrassing, I just remembered that I don’t have a cutie mark, but what was I supposed to say? That I didn’t find my special talent yet? That I couldn't find my special talent?

“You know, mayun, it’s, like, a long story, broski,” I replied, a drop of sweat running down my forehead. Luckily, we got to her boutique before she could interrogate me further, and what a relief that was. She soon opened the door and led me to a small, dusty attic on the top of the house, filled with old dresses.

“Hold on, I’ll get some necessities, just wait right here,” she said as she went downstairs.