If I Could Catch Fuzz In a Bottle

Chapters

Movie Night
Observations
Hypothesizing
Preparing
The Experiment
The Test Subject
Phase One
Phase Two
Phase Three
Phase Four
Abort! Abort!
Too Many Variables
In Conclusion
Eggshells
Epiphany

Movie Night

"Ooooooh!" Pinkie Pie sat on the edge of her seat, drowning herself in two gigantic barrels of buttery popcorn. "Mrmmmff—Oooh Oooh Ooooh! This is the best parrrrrrt!"

"Pinkie Pie, please," Rarity hissed from the next seat over. The flicker of the movie theatre's overhead projection accentuated the purple gloss in her well-kept mane. "Keep it down," she whispered. "A modicum of decency would do you wonders."

"Awwww give it a rest, Rarity," Applejack said, sitting back lazily with her lower legs propped up on the chair in front of her. "We're the only ponies in this here show! Let Pinkie gab all she wants!"

"Still, it'll detract from the experience!" Rarity rolled her tongue, then blinked brightly at the large screen ahead of them. Eyes quivering, she leaned forward and barked, "No, you despicably-garbed plebeian! Don't open that door! The monster went in there two minutes ago!"

"Hah hah hah!" Applejack tilted her hat back and grinned. "I rest my case." She looked towards her right. "Y'all doin' okay, Fluttershy?"

"Mmmmm...!" The poor pegasus was curled up in a tight yellow ball atop her seat, covering her eyes with shivering wingtips. "Wh-why did you invite m-me to this movie? It's terrrrrrible!"

"Awwww... come on, now, darlin'!" Applejack leaned in and side-hugged the mare. "It's all in good fun! Movie magic'n all that hogwash!"

"I don't care!" Fluttershy sniffled, shaking her head with clenched eyes. "I hate it when horrible things happen to good ponies!"

"Well, it seems like a whole lot of build-up for nothing," Rarity muttered, waving a hoof at the big screen. "There was nothing inside the abandoned hotel room after all."

Nervously, Fluttershy popped one eye open, then the other. "R-r-really?"

Just then, the theatre's speakers roared with the sound of a priming engine.

"Hah!" Pinkie Pie laughed through a muzzle-full of popcorn. "What did I tell you?! The chainsaw fetlock makes a comeback!"

"Eeeeeep!" Fluttershy shrieked, clamping her hooves over her eyes. "I'm n-never going to a m-movie theatre ever again!"

"Oh Fluttershy..." Applejack patted the mare's shoulder, comforting her. "It's only a chase scene. Look! She's gettin' away!"

"I don't care! I'm not opening my eyes!" Fluttershy gulped. "J-just tell me when it's over..."

"Nyeaaaaauuuuup..." Rainbow Dash yawned long and hard, leaning her fuzzy chin against her hoof while she sat slumped and bored in her chair. "If you guys ask me, this should have been over about an hour ago. Total waste of seven bits, I swear."

"Rainbow, surely you jest!" Rarity leaned over to glance past Applejack and Fluttershy. "Can't you argue that this movie's cinematography has paid its due on artistic merit alone?"

"Artistic merit my bodacious blue butt," Rainbow grunted. "I've watched elementary school plays with more excitement than this slow-burn Japaneighs horror garbage." She looked to her right. "Ya feel me, Twilight?"

Twilight Sparkle sat dead-still, her muzzle frozen in mid-bite of a chocolate bar. Her features paled while her glazed eyes reflected a mare's melodramatically shrieking face, followed by several quick flashes of spinning chainsaw teeth. "... ... ..."

Rainbow Dash blinked. She reached a hoof over, tapping Twilight's shoulder. "Yoohoo... ground control to Major Twi."

"...!" The unicorn jumped. The chocolate bar flew from her grasp, and she juggled the thing a few times before clamping two jittery hooves over it. "Uhhh... Uhhhh..." Sweating, she gulped and jerked a panicked expression in Rainbow's direction. "...huh?!"

Rainbow smirked. The projection's glow cast a sheen over her fuzzy blue cheeks. "You're getting really freaked out by this, aren't you?"

"Oh... uhm... well..." Twilight gulped, fidgeting in her chair. "I have to admit, I'm usually too busy reading books to ever bother with good cinema, much less that of the 'horror' or 'thriller' variety. Give me H.P. Lovecanter anyday, and I'd be fine. But..." She took a side-glance at the big screen and winced yet again, her lavender ears folding back. "...I-I'm not all that used to jump scares and gore..."

"Pffft..." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "...as if we've had much of those over the last two hours." She smirked again. "I don't get it. You've fought Nightmare Moon, Discord, and—heck—even a bunch of changelings just last month! How come a silly horror movie is enough to scare you?"

"Well, it's n-not like I have much control over it," Twilight said, shivering. "I s-suppose that's the charm. When you watch a horror movie, you're forced to endure visual stimuli that evokes the most primal sensations of fear from deep within the equine subconscious—"

"Yeesh, Twilight, I know I'm bored but at least I try to enjoy this kind of schlock."

"Huh?"

Rainbow muttered. "Just stop overthinking it." She grinned. "Sit back, girl, and wait to be thrilled!"

"Mmmm... yeah..." Twilight sighed, sitting comfortably back in her seat as she finally nibbled on the end of her candy bar. "I suppose you're right—"

"Here it comes!" Pinkie Pie opened her smiling jaw wide as the screen before the flashed. "Here it comes!"

Rarity blanched. "Good heavens—!"

The speakers crackled, issuing forth an audible mosaic of screams, bone snaps, and splattering noises. The entire theatre was bathed in bright crimson light.

"Ha ha ha ha haaaa!" Rainbow Dash grinned wide, her eyes sparkling. "Hooooo-yeah! There's your 'M' rating right there, buddy! Wooo!"

"AAAAAAACKIEEES!" Twilight Sparkle dropped the candy bar altogether and dove to her left, eyes clenched shut. She shivered all over, covering her eyes as she buried her face deep in a warm sea of fuzz.

"Whew..." Rarity squirmed in her seat, fanning herself. "'Tis a good thing I didn't have that full a lunch earlier today." She managed a weak smile. "If you ask me, that teenager got what was coming to her. Who on earth wears sparkling heels when trotting through an abandoned hotel?"

"Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie grinned at the other ponies. "Did I tell you or did I tell you? I'd say this was totally worth seeing twelve times in a row!"

"Yeah, well, speak for yerself, Pinkie," Applejack drawled, then leaned over to give Fluttershy another reassuring hug. "There there, darlin'..."

"Irefusetolook! Irefusetolook! Irefusetolooooook!" the mare squeaked.

"Even if you did, ain't no thang," Applejack murmured with a smirk. "Looks just like somepony threw in a fake ol' bucket of syrup and pig slop over the screamin' actress."

"Applejack!" Fluttershy squeaked.

"Whoops. Eheheh... sorry."

"Nnnnnngh..." Twilight Sparkle continued shivering, eyes clenched shut as her breaths came out in hyperventilating little spurts.

"Uhhh... Twilight?"

The unicorn's trembles didn't cease. She coiled tighter against a warm, fuzzy cushion—until that very same cushion started to move, and breathe. A swath of silk-soft feathers coiled around her. At last, Twilight's eyes fluttered open, and she realized just whom she had chosen to curl up against. She looked up.

Rainbow Dash gazed down at her with a sly grin. She had a wing wrapped around the mare. Nevertheless, she snorted, "I know you're an egghead, but that doesn't mean you gotta crack so easily." A wink flickered between them.

Twilight Sparkle gulped, frozen in place.

"You okay, Twi?"

"Erm... yes..." Twilight sat up, shaking her mane straight and exhaling with a shudder. "Yes, I'm fine." She breathed in and out, in and out, in and out. "That was a most... educating experience."

"Heheh..." Rainbow Dash chuckled. "I bet." She looked to her far left. "Hoof me some of that popcorn, Pinkie."

"Oki doki loki!" Pinkie heaved a bucket over three mares' heads. "But the movie's almost over, Dashie!"

"Pfft!" Rainbow caught the bucket and stuck her hoof in, quickly munching a mouthful of kernels. "Like I care! Mrmmmff... I got my money's worth!"

"Ungh..." Applejack rolled her eyes. "Yer sick, sugarcube."

"You know it." Rainbow Dash belched and munched on some more popcorn. "Mrmmmf... come on! More!" she chuckled with a mouthful. "More blood for the blood goddess!"

Rarity and Pinkie Pie giggled. Even Fluttershy, who had her hooves over her eyes, managed a light chuckle as her tail flicked.

In the meantime, Twilight Sparkle sat in her chair, staring up at the movie screen... although not entirely invested in it. She took a deep breath, reaching a hoof up and stroking her other forelimb. At last, her ears folded back as she gazed aside with a thoughtful expression.

Observations

Twenty minutes later, the six mares trotted out of the Ponyville movie theatre and into a cool, breezy Friday evening. Citizens gathered around glowing lampposts, chatting and chortling beneath the buzz of electric lights.

"I'm hungry," Fluttershy said with a gentle smile. "Anypony want to stop by the Hay Hut for a quick bite?"

"Euuunghhh..."

"Guhhh..."

"Mmmmff..." Rarity waved her hoof. "Erm... no thanks, darling. I'm glad you have an appetite, at least."

"Oh! I'll go! I'll go!" Pinkie Pie said.

"Hehe... okay, Pinkie," Fluttershy nodded, then smiled at the rest of the group. "I guess this is 'goodnight.' See the rest of you tomorrow?"

"Celestia willin'," Applejack said, adjusting the brim of her hat with a slight yawn. "I've got me a whole bunch of corn shuckin' to do tomorrow. Still, this was real hoot. We oughta go to the movies more often, y'all!"

"Isn't it the best to go when the movie's been out for so long?!" Pinkie Pie bounced in circles, grinning wide. "It's so fun fun fun to chat it up without other ponies to shush you!"

"Hmmm..." Rarity smiled. "I have to admit, it certainly makes for charming conversation." She stifled a yawn. "Alas, I must retire early—assuming the movie's imagery doesn't linger too long in my mind." Her face scrunched as she thought aloud: "When encountering a murderous automaton bent on rampant evisceration, wouldn't it be properly fashionable to wear wool? That's far more absorbent a material..."

"Ehhhh..." Rainbow Dash spread her wings and began flapping. "The movie wasn't that horrible. For real. Have any of you girls even seen 'Horsetel?'"

"Brrrbrbrrrr..." Fluttershy trotted off with Pinkie Pie. "And on that note..."

"So long, y'all!" Applejack waved and headed off for Sweet Apple Acres. "Sleep tight!"

"Same to you!" Rarity was gone.

"So long, Twilight!" Rainbow's voice cracked as she flitted off, heading for the clouds. "Try not to run into any chainsaw cyborg mutants on the way home!"

"Erm... r-right..." Twilight stood in a gold halo of lamplight, alone. She shivered from a nightly breeze, waving towards the glittery night sky as Rainbow became a faint blue streak, then vanished. "Stay safe..."

The unicorn lingered in place. As her waving hoof lowered, she brought it against her chest, stroking concentric circles against her own lavender fuzz. Twilight chewed on her bottom lip. Then, with a flick of her tail, she began her lonely trot to the treehouse sitting in the center of Ponyville.

Hypothesizing

When morning came and filled the library with its warm golden rays, Spike walked down the steps to the bottom floor. He rubbed a scaled fist against one eyelid, then the other, yawning tiredly. By the time he reached the last few steps, he became aware of a staccato tapping sound issuing from the far end of the lobby.

He squinted across the room, shuffling past tall towers composed of dusty tomes and opened textbooks. "Uhhhh..." The dragon cocked his head aside. "...Twilight?"

"Good morning, Spike," Twilight murmured. The equation she had started last night had consumed the entire chalkboard and spread to two more. The unicorn levitated four separate sticks of chalk as she sketched out an elaborate postulation in real-time, all the while glancing into the occasional book that floated past her eyes via purple beams of magic. "Sleep well?"

"Uhhh..." Spike teetered tiredly in place. He had to flinch in order to duck a book or two floating over his head. "I could ask the same of you." He shuffled forward. "How'd the movie go?"

"It was horribly violent and full of disgusting gore," Twilight droned. Her chalk tap-tap-tapp'd against the dusty boards. "I enjoyed it thoroughly."

"Oh." Spike blinked. "Well then..." He blinked again. "Uhhhhh... what are you up to now?"

"Science."

"Well, duh, you're always up to science, Twilight." He bore a fanged smile. "But what kind of science is it this time? Butterfly wing conjuration? Teleportation? Mustache summoning?" He crossed two claws. "Please let it be the last one..."

"No, Spike, this is something new," Twilight droned in mid-chalking. Her violet eyes remained plastered to the board as she drafted line after line of mathematical computation. "Something important."

"Important, eh?" Spike planted his hands on his hips. "Well, fear not! Your number one assistant is here to lend a hand!"

"I'm afraid you can't help with this one, Spike," Twilight murmured.

"Oh?" The dragon leaned his head aside. "Why? Because it's dangerous?"

"No," she droned. "Because you have scales."

He blinked. "...huh. Uh... okay..."

"But I don't mind the company," Twilight muttered. "In fact, I welcome it whole-heartedly."

"Yeah, because you're so very... chatty right now." Spike cleared his throat. "Well, how about I... and my scales go fetch you some breakfast?"

"That would be wonderful, Spike," she said in a dull tone, squinting through her floating array of books. "I appreciate it."

"Well, th-that's all that matters! Eheheheh!" He shuffled off into the kitchen, looking over his shoulder at her. After a prolonged stare, he sighed and walked out of sight of her. "Mrmmfff... what'd she watch last night, a Christopher Neighlan movie?"

Preparing

Knock Knock Knock!

"Twilight?" Fluttershy's voice came from beyond the front door to the library. "Twilight, it's me, Fluttershy. Uhm... I hope I'm not bothering you. But it's been three days since we last saw you and I was wondering if you and Spike were feeling okay..."

"Fluttershy, you can come in!" Spike's voice called.

"Really? Are... are you sure?"

"Please, Fluttershy," Spike repeated, his tone curt, emphatic. "Come in. Right now."

With a quiet creak, Fluttershy pushed the door open. She peered in, squinting at several flickering sparks of light. Bowing her body low to the ground, she nervously shuffled inside, her eyes locked on the center of the lobby the whole time. The deeper she traversed the library, the wider her eyes got and the lower her muzzle hung. At last, she arrived at Spike's side—where the dragon sat on the bottom step of the library's central stairwell, several empty bags of chips lying at his side as he too stared straight ahead.

"Uhm..." Fluttershy winced, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "Spike...? What's... what's going—?"

"You have to speak louder!" he exclaimed, for loud hisses of steam and crackles of artificial thunder were emanating from the opposite end of the room, timed with bright flashes of brilliant blue light. "She's been at it for three days straight! I'm almost afraid to break her concentration!"

"What... wh-what exactly is she working on?!" Fluttershy stammered.

"I dunno!" Spike's eyes remained glued ahead of him as he snuck another chip into his maw. Munching, he said, "It all started... mrmmff... the morning after you girls went out to see that movie!"

"Really?" Fluttershy blinked. "You know, I thought I would have nightmares from what I overheard in the theatre, but—surprisingly—all it gave me was a little indigestion!" She winced. "Ohhhh, I do hope Twilight isn't sick or something!"

"Nah, she's not sick. Just super ultra mega inspired!"

FLASSSH!

Fluttershy and Spike winced from a gigantic flash of light.

"Eureka!" Twilight's voice hollered from deep within the maelstrom of noise.

As the bright aura of light cleared, the other two could see Twilight standing in the middle of an elaborate laboratory setup. There were tables cluttered with petri dishes and bubbling beakers while sparkling tesla coils loomed in the background with wires hooked up to an elaborate battery-operated metal contraption. Framing the screen were three dusty chalkboards drowning in a yellow sea of scribbled notepads.

Twirling with a flounce of her disheveled mane above plastic laboratory goggles, Twilight grinned at the dragon and pegasus, lifting a cylindrical glass vial in her telekinetic grasp. The thing was corked off with a glowing blue crystal that shimmered in the electric light.

"At last!" She slid her safety goggles up, beaming. "I've made it!"

"Oh, that's so wonderful to hear, Twilight!" Fluttershy said with a smile. Then, three blinks later, she fidgeted. "Uhm... j-just what have you made?"

"I can't say for sure until I know that it works!" Twilight said. She carefully placed the smooth bottle onto a pedestal and took a calm breath, stroking her bangs back and composing herself. "First thing's first." She turned to face Spike and Fluttershy. "Go bring the girls here."

"Uhm... which girls, Twilight?" Spike asked.

Twilight's eyes narrowed with a violet glint. "All of them."

The Experiment

Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy sat patiently on their haunches like colorful kitty cats, craning their necks curiously as they looked towards the far end of the room.

Under the glow of fluctuating tesla coils, Twilight Sparkle stood with her back to them. She slid one front hoof through a pale sleeve, then her opposite hoof through another. With a shrug of her shoulders, she fitted her petite self into a white labcoat. The mare levitated one pen after another, sliding each of them into a protected front vest pocket. Then, reaching out, she gestured to Spike, who dutifully handed her a clipboard with several scribbled sheets of paper.

"Ahem..."

Spinning about, Twilight smiled at the girls.

"Thanks for coming, everypony." She squinted at the clipboard's sheets of data. "I... uh..." Clearing her throat again, she shuffled forward a bit. "...I'm sorry for being absent these last few days, I didn't mean to worry you. It's just that I've had an epiphany and it's super important that I pursue a scientific study of the material at hoof for the sake of all Equestria."

The five ponies turned to look at Spike.

Spike shrugged with a confused expression across his face.

The five looked back at Twilight.

"We... uh... we weren't worried!" Applejack said. "Were we, Rarity?"

"Oh! Most certainly not!" Rarity chuckled nervously, fluffed her mane, then squinted aside at Fluttershy. "Isn't that right, Fluttershy?"

"Couldn't possibly be more calm," Fluttershy said, squirming slightly. "How about you, Pinkie Pie?"

"I passed a stone this weekend!" Pinkie grinned wide. "When's lunch?!"

"I'm afraid lunch is going to have to wait," Twilight said. Her eyes narrowed sharply as her voice took on a rigidly serious tone. "I'm afraid that everything is going to have to wait." She tilted her chin up, frowning. "The fate of the world depends on this experiment, and I need your help."

"What is it?!" Rainbow Dash stood up, dragging a hoof as she snarled. "Is Chrysalis back?! Is Discord up to his no-good-tricks again?!" She reared her forelimbs with a frown. "Just point and click, Twilight, and I'll be kicking flank in an instant!"

"No, nothing quite like that," Twilight said.

"Well, shoot, girl!" Applejack exclaimed, her emerald eyes bright with concern. "Spit it out already! What are we all here to help you with?"

"Friends..." Twilight took a deep, deep breath, tapping her clipboard rhythmically. "It's come to my attention that cuddling is a limited commodity."

Dead silence.

Five pastel eyebrows raised.

"Come again?" Rarity blurted.

"Think about it," Twilight Sparkle said, pointing at the chalkboards behind her. "Take the total Equestrian population and divide it by the biological growth of equine chest fluffle multiplied by the square root of existential ennui—"

"Uhhhhhh..." Fluttershy was already blanching.

Pinkie waved two hooves. "Could you dumb it down a notch?" She blinked. "Maybe even a yogscast?"

Twilight turned to face the group. "Cuddles are getting harder and harder to come by. Something must be done to save this precious resource."

"Erm... Twilight, eheh..." Rarity fidgeted. "Do you even hear yourself, darling?"

"Cuddles don't exactly grow in orchards," Applejack said. "And, yet, here you are talkin' about 'em as if they're somethin' you could harvest."

"That's just it. Cuddles haven't been a quantifiable thing." Twilight tilted her chin up. "Until now."

"Buh?" Rainbow blinked.

"Over these past few days, I've been hard at work, constructing a special crystal out of pure leylines that can capture the essence of cuddles and distill it into a containable form." Twilight bore a twitching smile. "I'm very proud to proclaim that I have succeeded in such an endeavor."

"Wait, Twilight..." Fluttershy's muzzle hung open. "Do you mean...?"

"Yes! Not only have I constructed this crystal, but I have forged it into a dispenser. Thus, with careful application, I do believe I can be the first living pony to actually take pure unmitigated cuddles..." She stepped aside and pointed at the glass vial on its pedestal. "...and put it in a bottle."

All five mares stared at the glowing blue crystal capping off the container.

"And I helped!" Spike said with a proud grin. Two blinks later, and he squirmed. "Erm, well..." His guilty eyes drifted aside. "I-I made Twilight cucumber sandwiches."

Twilight's teeth showed through a lavender grin. "And now I've brought you all here to give the crystal its first test!"

"Test?" Applejack did a double-take. "How are we expected to test this newfangled thang?"

"It's actually all very simple," Twilight Sparkle said. "I've come to the conclusion that there is an essential connection between cuddles and three essential physical components." She flipped through her sheets of paper. "Fuzz." She flipped again. "Fluffle." Flip-flip. "And Fluff." She looked up with a proud smirk. "All of which ponies contain to a T."

"And you believe that there's a way for us to get what's in here..." Rarity pressed both hooves to her alabaster chest, then gestured daintily towards the bottle. "...into there?"

"And that glowing doohickey you've made is supposed to do the trick?" Applejack asked.

"What in the buck is the difference betwee 'Fluff' and 'Fluffle?!'" Rainbow Dash squawked.

"Heehee!" Pinkie reached over to ruffle the pegasus' mane. "Oh ye of little fuzz!"

Rainbow batted her hoof away. "For real! I mean it!" Rainbow frowned Twilight's way. "Have you gone completely off your rocker, Twi?"

"Now now, Rainbow, Twilight hasn't led us astray before," Fluttershy said. "We all know that she's a smart pony, so let's give her the benefit of a doubt!"

"Oh, alright..." Rainbow huffed, folding her forelimbs as she rolled her eyes. "I still don't see what this has to do with the 'fate of Equestria.'"

Twilight leaned forward. "Haven't you ever thought about it, Rainbow?"

"Pfft... no."

"Why... I'm surprised at you!" Twilight exclaimed, her muzzle agape. "A pegasus as loyal as you must be capable of imagining a grim dark world where all the cuddles of ponydom have been tapped dry! I mean... where would the Wonderbolts be today if their parents never once snuggled with one another, much less approached the event horizon of consensual procreation?!"

"Duaaaah!" Rarity gasped loudly, planting two hooves over her trembling muzzle. "Why, she's absolutely right!" She turned about, gawking at the other mares. "Without snuggles, my Prince Charming will be bone dry by the time I ever get a chance meet him, much less nuzzle cheeks amorously!"

Fluttershy sniffled. "How will I ever again be able to snuggle Angel?"

"Well, what are we waitin' for?!" Applejack stomped a hoof as she stood up straight. "Just tell us what to do, Twilight, and we'll help all we can!"

"Thank you, Applejack. First thing's first." Twilight Sparkle's brow furrowed. "We're going to need a control variable..."

The Test Subject

"Okay." Rainbow Dash sat on her haunches, frowning. "Just one question." She glared viciously aside, ruby eyes aflame. "WHY?!?!"

Spike jumped back, trembling. "D-don't ask m-me!" He nervously resumed attaching several wired electrodes to the blue pegasus' head, neck, wings, and legs. "I'm just the assistant! Twilight's the one m-making me do this!"

"Uhhhhhhh..." Twilight stood at a safe distance, hiding a blushing muzzle behind her clipboard. "...well... you see... uhhhh..."

"Twilight said that she needed a control variable, am I correct?" Rarity said, trotting forward slightly. "I'm guessing by that, she means you."

"Yeah, but..." Rainbow fidgeted like a disgruntled feline with strips of scotch tape attached to its fur. She shook the limbs that the electrodes were attached to. "...why me?"

"It's simple. You're uhhh..." Twilight squirmed in place, avoiding direct contact with Rainbow Dash. "Uhmm... you're..." She looked at the others in the room, one after another. "Uhhhh..."

Applejack shrugged. Fluttershy blinked. Pinkie Pie sat on her head. Spike cleared his throat.

Twilight snapped her gaze back at the pegasus in the center of the room. "You'retheleastcuddableponyinthisexperiment?" she spat out, then hid behind her clipboard again.

Rainbow stared at Twilight.

The unicorn began to tremble slightly.

"... ... ..." Rainbow's nostrils flared. "Yeah, sure." She looked up at the ceiling. "I can buy that."

Twilight's body deflated in a lavender exhale. "Whewww..." She shut her eyes, smiling in relief.

"Wait..." Rainbow's fuzzy muzzle scrunched. "I'm less cuddable than AJ?" She winced from the cold touch of an electrode being pinned to her flank. "Hey! Watch it, scaley!"

"S-Sorry... eheh..." Spike then traveled the length of the electrodes' wires and made sure they were attached to a glossy black monitor standing on a pedestal behind Rainbow Dash. "Alright! That should do it!" He gave a thumb's up. "We're all set up, Twilight!"

"Great." Twilight scribbled on her clipboard and swiveled to face the mares. "Thus begins Experiment Number One in Fuzzy Nuzzle Cuddles."

"Mrrmmmfff..." Rainbow Dash grumbled, squirming where she sat beside the bottle and its glowing crystal cap. "Do ya have to give it such a fruity name?"

"I rather like it," Fluttershy said with a soft smile.

"Pfft. You would." Rainbow squinted across the way at Twilight. "Just how long do I have to sit here? I hate not moving."

"Please, Rainbow Dash, you have to try your best," Twilight insisted, flipping a page of her clipboard. "I promise, so long as you cooperate, this will be over sooner than you know it. Besides, it's perfectly harmless."

"Ohhhhh..." Rainbow pouted. "Perfectly harmless? Where's the fun in that?!"

"Now that's the spirit!" Twilight flipped another page. "Okay. Let's begin with Phase One. First up—"

"Oooh! Me!" Pinkie Pie waved her hoof. "Me Me Me! Lemme cuddle Dashie!"

"Sorry, Pinkie," Twilight said. "I've picked a specific order for this."

"Awwwwwwww poopsies," Pinkie slumped down, folding her forelimbs. "Some experiment."

"Don't worry, you'll get your turn."

"'Turn?'" Rainbow arched an eyebrow while Spike switched on the screen behind her. Rainbow's name glistened across the dark surface, accompanied by a beeping heart monitor. "Why do I not like the sound of that?"

"Oh hush," Twilight muttered. "We've delayed the experiment enough as it is." She cleared her throat. "Alright... first up." She looked over. "Applejack?"

Phase One

The farm mare blinked. "Oh... uhhh..." She adjusted her hat and stepped over. "Alright, then."

"Stand over beside Rainbow Dash, please," Twilight requested.

"Sure thang." Under the buzz and hum of electrical gadgetry, Applejack traversed the length of the room and came to a stop beside the wired pegasus. "Like this?"

"Yes, thank you."

Applejack plopped her haunches down. "Whew-wee! Look at me! I'm doin' science! Bet Aunt and Uncle Orange would be proud!"

"You're weird," Rainbow grumbled.

"Takes one to know one, ya fuzzhead."

"Meh."

"What now?" Fluttershy asked.

"Okay... continuing with Phase One..." Twilight cleared her throat and looked up at the two mares. "Applejack... please nuzzle Rainbow Dash."

Every pony (and dragon) watched in silent anticipation.

"Just... nuzzle her, huh?" Applejack asked.

"That's right."

"Well... shoot. Here goes." The mare pivoted about, leaned her freckled cheek in, and brushed it lightly against the pegasus' shoulder.

A tiny stream of light flickered inside the bottle's crystal, but was all too quickly extinguished.

Twilight Sparkle visibly winced.

"Well, there ya have it!" Applejack swiveled to face Twilight again.

"Are we done now?" Rainbow moaned.

"Uhhhhh..." Twilight fidgeted with the white sleeves of her labcoat. "No. Uhm... ahem. No, Applejack, that's not enough."

"Huh?" Applejack raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"This experiment demands a... far more intense degree of nuzzling, or else the cuddles won't transfer into the crystal."

"Errr..." Rainbow leaned her head curiously aside. "Define 'intense.'"

"Pssst!" Spike hissed and rushed forward to straighten the electrodes attached to Rainbow's figure. "Don't upset the diodes!"

"S-sorry, jeez..." Rainbow looked up again. "Twilight?"

"You have to nuzzle like you mean it, Applejack," Twilight said.

"Like..." Applejack raised an orange hoof as she thought aloud: "Cheek-rubbin' Apple Bloom in bed in order to wake her softly for the start of a fresh new school day sort of nuzzlin'?" She smiled. "Cuz I can do that for days. Heheh."

"Erm... no, Applejack, darling." Rarity trotted forward with an elegant smile. "I do believe what Twilight is looking for is something far more ardent. We are endeavoring to trap cuddles in a bottle, after all."

"I'm afraid I dun read ya, sugarcube."

"For the time being..." Rarity gestured at Rainbow Dash. "...pretend as though Rainbow Dash is your very special somepony, and I do believe that should accomplish the scientific task at hoof."

"Errrrrrr..." Twilight gulped, standing in the shadows in order to hide her blushing cheeks. "That's right on the money, actually."

Silence.

Eventually, Applejack blinked wide. "'Very special somepony?'"

"Oh..." Fluttershy hid behind a lock of hair. "...my."

"... ... ..." Rainbow Dash stared. "Alright, buck this." She started trotting off, summoning another hiss from the infant dragon.

"Whoahhhhh there." Applejack yanked Rainbow back by her tail. "Hold yer horses, Rainbow. We ain't quittin' on Twilight that easily."

"But you friggin' heard her!" Rainbow's voice cracked as she gestured. "Or, rather, heard her through Rarity!"

"Dun matter none." Applejack took a deep breath, tilting her chin up. "Remember, this here's for the fate of Equestria, and we owe it to Twilight to make this science work."

"Guhhhhhh..." Rainbow Dash folded her forelimbs. "Doesn't mean I like it one bit."

"Now, where's the brave and courageous Rainbow Dash that we all know?" Applejack smirked. "We're all friends here. And if I'm willin' to get a bit too close for comfort, than why can't you?"

"Grfff... fine." Rainbow Dash stood in place, frowning like a stained jade statue. "But as soon as that stinkin' bottle gets filled—"

"It won't come to that, Rainbow," Twilight said with a placid smile. "This experiment will end when it's finished. Now..." She adjusted the sleeves of her white labcoat. "Can we start over?"

"Meh... whatever." Rainbow squinted at Applejack. "Avoid the wings, got it?"

"Heh... got it."

"Okay... and..." Twilight pointed. "Recommence Phase One."

"Alrighty then." Applejack took a deep breath. She turned about, closed her eyes, and leaned in, stroking the length of her cheek, neck, and midsection across the underside of Rainbow Dash's chin, finishing with a graceful flick of her blonde tail-hairs across the pegasus' cheek.

Rainbow Dash clenched her jaw tut and her eyes even tighter. Her ears twitched as her chin tilted up, recoiling ever so slightly from the contact of soft silky coat to softer silkier coat. Her hairs stood on end, and it was around that time that a beeping noise clicked rapidly across the monitor behind her. Rainbow's heart-rate went up, accompanied by an orange beam of light that briefly represented the contact made with Applejack. As the orange light faded, everypony watching noticed a distinct flicker of light above the bottle.

Twilight turned about, leaning forward as she gazed with pursed lips.

The blue crystal capping the bottle turned pink, humming with magical resonance. Inside the bottle, a fine fuchsia mist appeared, expanding rapidly and filling the length of the glass container.

"Is..." Fluttershy gasped. "...is that it?"

"Oh my..." Rarity cupped a hoof against her chin, eyes sparkling. "I had no idea that cuddles looked so... enchanting."

"It's like a bunch of super tiny cupcake sprinkles making whoopie in mid-air!" Pinkie cooed.

"This is incredible!" Twilight chirped, grinning from ear to ear. "I expected data... but not so much and so soon! Thank you, Applejack! You may stop now!"

But Applejack was returning for another glide, nuzzling her fuzzy cheek across Rainbow's blue chin, then raising her backside against the pegasus' chest with agile, almost-feline curvature.

"Ahem." Twilight tapped her clipboard with a pen. "Phase One is over."

Applejack froze. Her green eyes fluttered open. "Erm... r-right..." She swiftly shuffled to the side, slightly flushed. "G-guess I got a bit too invested in makin' the nuzzle work right." She adjusted the brim of her hat and looked over. "Hangin' in there, partner?"

Rainbow Dash exhaled a breath that she had been holding tightly in her chest for the past minute. After a long wheeze, she gulped and said, "Yeah. Sure. Strong as an ox." She looked aside at the bottle and gave it a double-take. "Oh jeez!" she yelped. "You pulled out my insides!"

"No, Rainbow! It's cuddles, not organ matter!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Oh... oh whew..." Rainbow slumped where she sat, chuckling. "For a second there, I thought my Wonderbolt Academy days were over!"

"Don't be ridiculous, I'd never do anything so cruel to you," Twilight grunted. "Ahem." She flipped a page. "Okay. Phase two. Pinkie Pie?"

Phase Two

"Woohoo!" Pinkie bounced over to Rainbow's side in a blink. "About time! Heeheehee!"

"Uhhh..." Rainbow craned her neck to squint past Pinkie. "Just how many of these stupid 'Phases' are there going to be, Twi?"

"Well, how many ponies are there in the room?"

"Er... alright..."

"So, then, it's Pinkie Pie's turn?" Applejack asked.

Twilight nodded. "Affirmative."

"Humor us, Twilight," Rarity spoke up. "Just how did you go about picking this order?"

"I based it on samples taken of your coat and mane hairs," Twilight said, waving her hoof in the air. "Fluffle consistency... silken texture... that sort of a thing."

"Wait..." Fluttershy's teeth chattered. "How exactly did you get samples of—?"

"How are we reading, Spike?!" Twilight hollered across the room.

Spike glanced at the monitor, then smirked back. "We're okay to go!"

"Alright, Phase Two!" Twilight scribbled on a sheet and smiled at Pinkie. "Cuddle away!"

"Cuddling!" Pinkie twirled about.

"Say, Twi, could we talk about thi—MRMMMFF!" Rainbow went cross-eyed as she endured a face-full of cotton candy mane.

"Heeeee-eeeee!" Pinkie cooed, lovingly rubbing and stroking her forehead against Rainbow's chin, face, and neck. "Coochy Coochy Cooooo!"

"Mrmmfmfmmff!" Rainbow rolled her red eyes above the undulating mass of Pinkie fluffle. "Ohffh frr Bfegfe'f fafge..."

"Aaaaaaaaaand..." Pinkie Pie snuck tight circles around Rainbow Dash. Between her head and tail, she tightly encased the wheezing pegasus in fuchsia fuzz at all times. "This one's called 'The Whirlpink!'"

"Bff phfrrrfbffkk?"

"Look out!" Pinkie did a backward hoof-stand, arching her back directly over Rainbow's head and shaking her rump before her muzzle. "It's the drive thru at Mauvedonald's! 'Over a Billion Fluffled!' Heeheeheeeeeee!"

Rainbow struggled to breathe through the tail wagging like a windshield wiper across her blue face.

"Bffkeff Bfffi! Pffft! Gfft iggf ouffg!"

"Oh dear..." Fluttershy held a pair of hooves up to her worried muzzle. "Rainbow's going to suffocate on salmon!"

"Perhaps—" Rarity pointed at the vial with a jubilant grin. "But look at the results, dear!"

The fluctuating pink inside the glass jar was deepening, turning red and gradually more opaque. The crystal cap on the top had transformed from a bright blue to a pulsating lavender.

"Wow, Spike!" Twilight Sparkle hugged the clipboard to her labcoat'd chest. "It's working! Such progress!"

"Ya hear that, Rainbow?" Spike chirped.

A pair of ruby eyes glared out from behind the smokescreen of bubblegum pink horse hair. "Ffgg uuff, yfff gragoffd bfff uff uh fifggf!"

"Heeeeeee!" Pinkie Pie rolled up with her back to Rainbow's chest. She curled her legs to her grinning face while she swished her fuzzhead back and forth right in the pegasus' muzzle. "And this one I call 'Ticket For Two on Spoon Mountain!' Hehe—hope you bought your Fast Past, Dashiiiiie!"

"Ermmm..." Applejack squinted at the glowing bottle. "You reckon it might burst at this point?"

"She... uhm... has a point," Fluttershy sweated, brushing her silk-soft mane aside. "And is it just me or has it gotten terribly warm in here?"

"I was about to say the same thing!" Rarity exclaimed, her eyes heavy-lidded. She waved a hoof over her perspiring brow. "Normally, I don't approve of exercising my fragile pores, but something about... h-how soothing that light is..."

"Grrr-fgrrmmfrrfff?!" Rainbow Dash orated.

"Erm... r-right." Twilight took a deep breath and waved the clipboard in Pinkie's general direction. "Time to switch the fuzz off. Thank you."

"Phweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Pinkie chortled into Rainbow's chin.

"Ahem... fuzz off, thank you," Twilight growled.

"Buh?" Pinkie looked over. Her mouth sank into an upside down curve. "Awwwwww." With a sigh and subtle little butt-wriggles, she slid out from beneath Rainbow Dash like a reverse snake. "...but I didn't get to take her 'round the 'Snugglianopolis 500.'"

"Guaaaaah!" Rainbow Dash wheezed, collapsing onto her chest as she spat out the first of several million stray pink hairs. "Mrmmmff... Luna on a bike! I'm gonna be coughing up fluff for weeks!"

"Dun sweat it, sugarcube," Applejack murmured. She repositioned her hat for the umpteenth time. Between each blink, it became more and more apparent that her freckles were swimming in a rose-colored sea. "Them's just the chores we do for science..."

"Is it just me?" Fluttershy teetered slightly, staring at Rarity with glazed eyes. "Or did Applejack overlook the fact that Rainbow nearly drowned to death in cuddle fuzz?"

"Did she? I-I didn't notice..." Rarity smiled, her normally alabaster coat marred by a warm flush that spread slowly from her neck down to her hooves. "By the way, have you ever..." Rarity gulped dryly. "...ever n-notice how Twilight's mane simply shines in the pale glow of an electrical piece of laboratory equipment?"

"I reckon it certainly is..." Applejack slipped her hat off and wiped her brow. "...hoof-lickin' scrumptious..."

"Koff! Kaff!" Rainbow spat some more hairs out and rubbed the edge of her nose with a fetlock. She squinted curiously out one eye. "Say what?"

"...?" Spike blinked. He turned to look up at the glossy black monitor. Aside from Rainbow's recovering heartbeat, he spotted orange, white, pink, and yellow lines—all fluctuating erratically. "Uhhhhh..." He gulped, then turned towards the lead scientist. "Twilight?"

"Not now, Spike. Science," Twilight muttered, scribbling on a datasheet. She tapped the clipboard with her pen and tilted her head up. "Fluttershy?"

Phase Three

"Oh, is it my turn now?" Fluttershy liquidly purred, pawing forward one dainty hoof after another. She shook her head once, fuzzy ears twitching. "Thank you, Twilight. That is rather... nice."

"Yeah, well, be easy, girl," Rainbow muttered. She gave her hoof a lick and used it to brush back her Pinkie-fluffled mane. "I'm surprised I can still stand after all that—

WHUMP!

"—!!!" Rainbow's eyes shot wide as she felt Fluttershy's whole body draped against her backside. She looked down to see a pair of yellow wingfeathers encircling her, then glanced over her shoulder.

Fluttershy smiled drunkenly into Rainbow's muzzle. "Snkkkt-Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

"Uhhhhhhhhh..." Rainbow Dash tried to fidget, but she couldn't move an inch. It was though her entire body was being sealed up in soft, silky, vanilla cement. "'Hi' yourself... Fl-Flutters."

"Yes, darling..." Rarity cooed. "Thatta girl."

Spike tapped his chin, staring at the monitor once again. Rainbow's heartbeat had picked up, but it was nothing compared to the dramatic pulses of yellow light ripping across the electric screen.

"Say, Fluttershy...?" Spike squinted across the library. "You feeling alright?"

"Mmmmmm..." Fluttershy wriggled her nose until her chin formed a perfect curve with the nape of Rainbow's neck. "Never better." She tilted her head up and stroke-stroke-stroked her cheek deeper and deeper into Rainbow's prismatic follicles. "You know, Rainbow Dash, one thing I love more than anything is taking care itty bitty baby birdies." Her warm breath wafted off the twitching edges of Rainbow's ears. "Would you like to be my baby birdy?"

"Uhhh... raincheck on that, Fluttershy." Writhing deep in Fluttershy's wing embrace, she turned her head gnashed her teeth. "Twilight, what the buck?!"

"Just patience, Rainbow..." Twilight stared steadily at the bottle. The cap was red-hot, and the pinkness inside the glass container was practically boiling. Mist rose from the library's wooden floor as a great heat resonated from the vial, curling the edges of everypony's coat hairs. "This is all... all for science." The unicorn's violet eyes positively swirled.

"Eeeyup..." Applejack sat down, fiddling with her long blonde tail as her tongue collected saliva in the corner of her orange mouth. "Nice... down-home... mother-lurvin'... science..."

"Whoahhhhhhhhh..." Pinkie Pie side-stepped through the group. Her pupils had shrunk to tiny blue pinpricks as she teetered left and right with a bright grin. "Have any of you guys ever noticed just how heavy your eyeballs are?" She twitched, smiling wider, if that was even possible. "And that your ears can collect air? I bet mine could fly me all the way to Planet Rainbow Dash!"

"Yes..." Rarity cooed, rolling over and rubbing her cheek against random furniture. "...I have always... always wanted to spend an extended vacation on the Rainbow Dash cruise!"

"Chuuuuuu..." Fluttershy was just inches away from nibbling on Rainbow's ear. "...Rainbowcus Deliciouscus... my favorite kind of critter fritter..."

"Rainbow glazed..." Applejack's eyes rolled back. "...Just like Granny used to make... nnghh... mmm... make love..." She giggled towards the ceiling. "Heehee—Shazam!"

"Twilight...?" Spike rushed over to the unicorn's tail, desperately yanking on the violet appendage. "Twilight! For real! Snap out of it!"

"But..." Twilight cooed, eyes swirling faster and faster as she bore a drooling smile. "...it's the scariest part of the movie. Who else is gonna catch me...?"

"The heck are you talking about?! Movie?!" Spike poked and prodded her muzzle. "Twilight, can you hear me?! You gotta call off the experiment! Something's super-duper wrong!"

"...so... cold..." Twilight's eyes watered along the edges. "...here at night... with only my... my..."

"Hey!" Rainbow barked, wrestling with Fluttershy's loving limbs. "Egghead! Listen to the comedy relief guy for once!"

Twilight shook her snout, eyes blinking straight. "Huh... wh-what?" She made a face at the scene. "Fluttershy?! Girls, what are you—?" At the sound of a rattling noise, she turned to look at the burning pink jar. "Oh my Celestia!"

The bottle violently vibrated from within its restraints. The metal legs of the pedestal holding the container up began to buckle.

"That's what I was trying to tell you!" Spike sputtered.

"But... b-but...!" Twilight bit the edge of her hoof, staring worriedly at the black monitor behind her. The screen was full of multicolored lines, all brighter than Rainbow's mane and billowing just as wildly. "When did this happen?!"

"I dunno!" Spike exclaimed. "But I don't think we should risk going to Phase Four!"

Rarity crawled forward, purring melodically: "Did somepony say Phase Fourrrr?"

Rainbow's ears drooped. "... ... ...Oh no."

Phase Four

"Fluttershy." Rarity cooed as she trotted up to the center of the room. "Fluttershy, no offense intended, but—" With a brief, unladlylike grunt, she swiveled her hips and bucked the yellow pegasus into next year.

"Eeeeep!" Fluttershy slammed into a bookshelf, only to be drowned under a cascade of loose magazines.

"There!" Rarity slinked her way in, rubbing her cheek in a half-circle all around Rainbow's upper body. "Much bettttterrrrr..." Her heart pounded through her pale chest as she bit her lip, stifling a deep squeak from within. "Ohhhhhh youuuuu..." She stood on the very tips of her hooves and rubbed noses with the fast flier. "You silly scrumptious blue fluff goddess, youuuuu."

"Yeah... uh... it t-takes one to know one, Rare." Gulping, Rainbow wheezed over her shoulder. "Twi?! Stop this crazy thing!"

"But I don't know what's even started!" Twilight exclaimed, though her lavender features were likely flushed. "Girls! Why are you acting like this?! This is supposed to be a serious cuddle experiment! For the good of Equestria!"

"Shoot, darlin'! Let loose and live a little!" Applejack briskly trotted over and squeezed up against Rainbow's backside. "The same goes for you too, partnerrrrr." She slapped her hat over Rainbow's skull and purred up against her skull, freckles-first. "You like cider, don'tcha? How 'bout we squeeeeeze some together?"

"We can glaze some cupcakes while we're at it..." Pinkie Pie dropped from the ceiling and nuzzled Rainbow's mane while upside down. "...heeeeeeee... frosting... it's what's on the other side of the rainbowwwww!"

"Guhhh!" Rainbow's teeth chattered. "Twilight, help! I-I'm becoming a nuzzle sandwich!"

Spike pulled melodramatically from his face scales. "What has science done?!"

"Don't leave me out!" Fluttershy scampered over, shaking loose several shredded magazines. "Meanie heads!" She frowned, yanking Rainbow's forelimb out from the hug-pile and rubbing her cheek across the length of it. "I saw her first!"

"Nuh uh!" Rarity shoved against Fluttershy, shoving her face deep into Rainbow's mane. "I saw her first!"

"Yer both lyin'!" Applejack wrapped her strong limbs around Rainbow's waist. "I should know! I'm the Element of Honesty!" A drunken grin crossed her face as she lickkkkked up the bridge of Rainbow's nose. "And Waterproofin'. Yeeeeehawww—"

"We can all have her first!" Pinkie spoke—muffled—into Rainbow's mane. "And middle and last! Add the batter, then mix and pour! See?" She kissed and nibbled under Rainbow's right ear. "I'm pouring! I'm pouring right nowwww!"

"Gaaaaaah!" Rainbow clenched her eyes shut, stretching her wings against the weight of her friends. "I almost expected this at the Academy, but not here! Twilight—!"

"I... I-I...!" Twilight tugged and pulled at her friends' tails with her telekinesis, but to no avail. They only piled on Rainbow Dash tighter and tighter. "I-I can't get them off of you!"

"What the frig do I do?!"

"Fly!" Twilight yelped. "Fly far away!"

"Can do!" With a grunt, Rainbow burst off the floor. Pastel bodies flew in every direction as she made a beeline for the nearest window. "Sorry, girls. I wish I could say it's been fun, but..." Panting, she flung the window open and threw herself out. "Super-Mega-Ultra-ICKKK!"

"Nuuuu!" Rarity sobbed, reaching a hoof out. "Rainbow Dash! Come backkkk!"

"Girls!" Fluttershy yelped, her eyes pulsating like twin hearts in the center of her sockets. "She's getting away!"

"Like hay, she is!" Applejack snarled, galloping straight towards the wall. SMASSSH! "OHYEAH!" Her body made a tiny apple mare shaped hole in the side of the library. "There she is!" her voice bellowed from outside.

Just then, to Twilight's horror, she heard the yelping voices of dozens if not hundreds of other ponies all across Ponyville.

"Look! It's Rainbow Dash! She's... she's..."

"She's cute!"

"Super awesomely cute!"

"Oh My Celestia I have to hug her!"

"Nuh uh! I do!"

"Hooves off! She's mine!"

"She's mine!"

Pinkie blew on an inexplicable French Horn that she procured from mallet space and then shouted into the air. "And A-Dashing We Will Goooo!" She bounced through the Applejack-hole and threw herself into the streets of Ponyville. "Look for scared birds and mark her, team!"

"This... th-this can't be happening..." Twilight breathed.

"Uhhh..." Spike tugged on her labcoat's sleeve and pointed at the bottle. "...it's happening alright."

Twilight gasped, for the jar was glowing pink and pinker—reaching brightness levels on par with the sun. The air around it heated up, summoning an unnatural thunder that shook the library on its very foundations.

"Oh no..." Twilight bit her lip. Frantically, she dropped her clipboard and galloped straight out the tree. "Oh no oh no oh no oh no!"

Abort! Abort!

Outside, a decidedly panicked Rainbow Dash was flitting about in every direction. The moment she scaled a gold-thatched rooftop, there was one pony or another waiting there for her, having climbed the summit in a blink so that they could greet her with limbs outstretched.

"Be mine! Now and forever!" a mare shouted.

"Guhhh!" Rainbow twirled about and zoomed in the opposite direction. She braked in mid-air before a jittery stallion and two drooling mares.

"Just let me touch your mane!"

"All we wanna do is snuggle your feathers! Right Bon Bon?"

"Eat a boat, Lyra. I want the whole package!" The earth pony leapt. "Zoop!"

Rainbow vaulted over her like a hoofball player and soared towards the sky—only to be intercepted by two pegasi. "Ooomf! Oh come onnnn!""

"Heeee!" Blossomforth nuzzled her cheek against Rainbow's blue belly. "Fuzzy wuzzy wuzzy!"

"I am interfaced!" Thunderlane squee'd, hugging Rainbow from behind.

"Grrrrghhh!" Rainbow snarled, batting and kicking at the equine weight on her body. "For Pete's sake! 'No' means 'No!'"

Swisssssssssssh—POW! A gray figure sailed down from the stratosphere, slamming Rainbow so that the two plowed a deep trench through the dirt roads of Ponyville.

"Muffin baggggggggg!" Derpy squealed as she rubbed cheeks with Rainbow.

"Mmmmmmm..." Rainbow winced hard. "N-no?" Her pupils shrank as she saw an entire herd of citizens galloping straight forward. There was an effeminate shriek before she disappeared beneath a veritable pile of squirming, hugging, nuzzling bodies. As Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity leapt in, the fuzzball grew taller and larger, gaining critical mass and threatening to form an inescapable singularity of fluffy cuddles in the center of Equestria.

This is the horrid sight Twilight saw as she skidded to a stop, gasping. "Rainbow! No! You're... it's..." She slumped back on her lavender hunches. Her face scrunched up as hot tears formed. "It's all my fault." She sniffled, hanging her head. "I... I-I just wanted to understand how you... I-I mean why I'm always..." She couldn't finish her words. The shivers ripping through her body were too intense. She hugged herself, fighting the urge to cry harder. "I should have stopped it while I had the chance..."

"Twilight! Heeeey! Twilight!"

Rubbing her puffy eyes, Twilight looked behind her. She gasped. "Spike!"

The dragon winced, carrying the steaming hot bottle in his grasp. The bright pink vial pulsed wildly, causing every structure in Ponyville to cast dark shadows outward in every direction as it lit up the middle of town.

"I think this is the cause, Twilight!" Spike said. "I think it's the cause of it all!"

Twilight blinked. She stared longingly at the jar, then at the big undulating pile of nuzzling ponies behind her.

"It's making every pony act crazy!" Spike exclaimed. His reptilian slits narrowed. "Everypony but you! Why's that?"

"Because..." Twilight took a deep breath, tears flowing. "Because I know what needs to be done." She turned towards the dragon. "Smash it, Spike."

"H-huh?!"

"You heard me!" Twilight clenched her eyes shut and shouted: "Dash it to pieces!"

"If you say so!" Spike nodded, shuddering. "Such much for Phase Five..." With a grunt, he slammed the thing into the ground as hard as he could.

CRACK!

Almost immediately, pink sparkles flew everywhere in a bright explosion of fuchsia energy.

"Gaah!" Spike flinched, batting away as if at invisible moths. "Ick ick ick... it tickles!"

Twilight braced herself as the wave of salmon light washed over her. She squinted one eye open, clenching her teeth as she watched the pile of ponies.

At last, once the energy had faded, the citizens of Ponyville froze in place. They rolled backwards, falling like fuzzy boulders in every direction. Soon, everyone stood on their hooves, blinking curiously at one another in dumb silence.

The crowd dissipated, murmuring in confusion, until—at last—Rainbow Dash was given a chance to breathe. She lay on her back, wheezing, while a tiny little filly remained by her side, nuzzling her chest.

"Heeeeeeeee! Cuddle-cuddle-cuddddddle!" Scootaloo cooed. "This is the best day of my—!!!" Suddenly, she stopped, freezing in place as she glanced at every other pony. "Uhhhhh... I-I mean..." She stood up in a jerk, straightening her mane while an inescapable blush crossed her muzzle. "Woohooooo! The... sp-spell has been lifted! Yeah! Praise Celestia!" Upon hearing dead silence, she whistled to herself and strategically side-stepped out of view.

That left Rainbow Dash lying alone on her back, blinking. "...unnnngh..." She slumped back, gazing numbly at the blue sky. "...I think I need a drink..."

"I... I-I don't know what even came over me!" Rarity exclaimed, fussing to straighten her frazzled mane. "Rainbow, darling, I... I-I don't know what to say!"

"I just can't believe I tried hugging another friend at the expense of her own comfort!" Fluttershy gasped.

"I can't believe I made such a fool of myself in public!" Applejack exclaimed.

Pinkie Pie stared down the big end of her French Horn. "I can't believe this isn't a trombone! I mean... who brings something one of these to an 'out-of-character-cuddle-orgy' party?!"

"Twilight?" Fluttershy looked across the sea of confuzzled equines. "The experiment—what happened? Do you know?"

Silence.

Wearily, Rainbow Dash tilted her head up and looked over. "Twi...?"

Spike shrugged. He stepped back in time for everypony to see a lavender shape swiftly making tracks for the library on the other end of town.

Too Many Variables

Twilight Sparkle ran into her treehouse, slamming the door behind her.

She pressed her flanks against it, panting and sweating.

After a large gulp, she turned and looked at the flickering black monitor, the overturned laboratory equipment, and the pony-shaped hole in the wall.

Last but not least, her eyes fell to the floor—to where several loose feathers had gathered on the wooden surface.

Several blue feathers.

"... ... ..." Twilight's muzzle scrunched up into a frown.

She fiddled with the sleeves of her labcoat, struggled, then finally ripped the damn article off of her. With a squeaky grunt, she threw the jacket onto the floor. It was hardly the punctuation to anything; she still quivered with emotional distress.

The mare held a pair of hooves over her mouth. Her eyes squinted, welling up with tears. The first sob broke through her like a missile, shattering the rest of her body so that she hunched over, weeping.

Then, wiping her face only once, she spun, galloped frantically up the stairs, and threw herself into her room—slamming the door shut behind her.

All went silent.

In Conclusion

Hours passed...

And hours passed into days...

Twilight counted them by the sundowns—or else she didn't count them at all. The mare stayed locked up in her room the entire time, which made seeing daylight difficult, especially with her drapes drawn shut to cast the bedroom in perfect darkness.

Most of the time—if not all of the time—Twilight lay in bed, piling as many covers on top of herself as possible in order to shut out every winking inch of the world.

Blankets or no blankets, Twilight did one consistent thing: she hugged all her pillows to her chest, occasionally rubbing her cheeks against the velvety fabric while her glazed eyes stared straight ahead into dull and uninteresting nothingness.

This carried on for far longer than she was willing to admit. Several times, Spike knocked on the door, pleading with her to show her face, but she did not give in. It got to the point that he laid a tray just outside her bedroom, letting her know that there was supper waiting for her. Regardless, Twilight made no attempt to move from her one lonesome spot.

Until the second or third day—she wasn't quite sure anymore. The grayness had consumed her. Suddenly, one hour, Twilight was rolling over to the sound of a loud gurgling in her belly. She clutched herself, painfully this time.

With a defeated sigh, Twilight finally limped out of bed, her stiff limbs cracking with those first lumbering motions. She approached the door, paused, then leaned her head against it, tickling her ear across the wooden finish. Once she was finally convinced that no little dragon was standing on the other side, breathing with anticipation, she opened the door a crack, squinting into a bright sliver of light.

A tray lay there. On top the center plate was a daffodil sandwich.

Twilight reached through with her telekinesis. She floated the breaded meal towards her and swiftly slammed the door shut, locking it once again. With a dull sigh, she brought the meal to her lips, taking an unenthusiastic bite out of the stale slices.

Then she turned, staring into a bright pair of ruby eyes.

"About friggin' time, lazy bones!" Rainbow Dash chirped.

"Mrmmmfffgh!" Twilight went cross-eyed. She hobbled backwards, coughing up bits of bread as she dropped the rest of the sandwich.

"...?" Rainbow Dash cocked her head aside, perched atop Twilight's unmade bed like a curious blue raven.

"Pffft.. guhh!" Twilight wheezed, clutching her throat. "I-I almost needed the Haymlich Maneuver!" She looked up, wincing. "Rainbow, what are you doing here?!" She squinted. "How did you get in here?"

"Uhhhhhh..." Rainbow smirked coyly and pointed at the open window and flowing drapes beside the bed. "Duh."

"Ohhhh..." Twilight exhaled, her ears sagging as she gazed at the floor. "...right."

"Though I almost wish you were choking," Rainbow said with a brief frown. "Then maybe I'd be worried about you less!" She leaned forward, her gaze melting into something warm and sympathetic. "What the heck's going on, Twilight? You've got everypony freaking out!"

"Sorry..." Twilight winced.

"Rarity, Applejack... even Pinkie Pie!" Rainbow waved a hoof wildly. "You should see Fluttershy! She's practically prepared a eulogy for you by now! Signed it with her friggin' tears!"

"S-sorry..." Twilight winced harder. She deflated lime a lavender puddle in the corner, facing the deeper shadows. "I know I... h-haven't exactly been social lately..."

"Then if you know about it and you're sorry..." Rainbow Dash crawled down from the bed and pensively crossed the distance between them. "...then why not give it a rest? Come out of your room! See the sunshine! Talk to us, girl!"

"No!" Twilight snarled, her tail whipping in the air.

Rainbow froze in place, legs poised like a stretched cat's.

"... ... ...mmmmfff..." Twilight sighed once more. "I... I just can't, Rainbow. Thanks for trying to be a great friend, but... I don't deserve it..."

Rainbow arched an eyebrow. "Does this have anything to do with your magic experiment in cuddles accidentally making every pony in town want to hug the crap out of me?"

"Jee..." Twilight grumbled over her shoulder. "Ya think?"

"Pffft. So?" Rainbow sat up with a smirk. "Ponies make mistakes, Twilight! Rise above it!" She winked. "Besides, it's not like you meant to make all that silly crud happen to me, huh?"

Twilight bit her lip.

Rainbow blinked. "Errr..." She leaned back, raising a pensive hoof. "It.. was a mistake... r-right...?"

Twilight sniffled. She trembled slightly as she looked back at Rainbow. "Can... you keep a secret?"

Rainbow crossed her chest then stuck a hoof against her eye. "Please don't make me say the dumb words out loud," she muttered, smirking.

The edge of Twilight's muzzle tickled, as if it wanted to curve upwards. A sigh prevented that from happening. Rubbing her shoulder, Twilight gazed melancholically into the corner of the room.

"Talk to me, Twi," Rainbow said, standing a tiny bit closer, but still keeping a strategic distance. "What else are friends for?"

Twilight took her sweet time before finally—and pitifully—squeaking forth. "I've been... crying myself to sleep at night."

Rainbow listened.

"And... and I-I've got no excuse!" Twilight spat. "I mean, what reason do I got to feel sad? I have everything!" She gestured with her hoof as if she was conducting an invisible shadow orchestra before her. "I have the library! An apprenticeship with Princess Celestia! The greatest research assistant in the whole world! And... and..." She cooed, almost melodically: "The best five pony friends a mare could ever ask for."

Silence.

Rainbow nodded, then leaned her head aside. "... ... ... but...?"

Twilight bit her lip. "I... I feel like I... I need something else. Something that doesn't come with kind words... or with good books... or with saving Equestria ten times over, I need... I-I wish I could have..."

Rainbow looked on, blinking.

Twilight sniffled again. "The other night, when we went to the movie together, and... and I-I got scared at th-that one part, y'know?" She rubbed her other limb harder, squeezing herself into a tighter lavender ball in the corner of the room. "I felt the same thing then that I feel each and every night. I felt the need to be held. Only... this time..." She swallowed a lump down her throat and squeaked: "It happened." A sniff. "Somepony was there for me. You were there for me, Rainbow. And... a-and..." She grimaced. "I-I guess it could have been anypony, really. It doesn't matter. You were there and you were strong and the hug was so warm and... fuzzy and..."

Rainbow narrowed her eyes. "You wanted to feel that again."

"No." Twilight shook her head. "I only wish it was that simple. The truth is far more ridiculous... and selfish."

"How so?" Rainbow gestured. "I thought you wanted to find out a way to contain cuddles in a bottle. Y'know... for Equestria!"

"No, Rainbow Dash," Twilight cried. "For me."

Rainbow leaned back, blinking.

"I thought that... that if I learned the secret of what makes cuddles work, then I might have a scientific way of applying it to myself so that... so th-that I wouldn't f-feel so pathetic each night..." She covered her face with her hooves, shuddering. "...so I wouldn't have t-to be bothering my f-friends like I'm bothering you right n-now." Her shoulders heaved as she blanketed her fetlocks with her tears. "All just for this stupid, silly, selfish complex of mine. I'm so sorry, Rainbow Dash. I threw you in the middle of a pointless experiment, and all I did was make things worse! You didn't deserve that! You don't deserve any of this! I'm sorry... I-I'm just so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish that I did..."

Before Twilight could go on any further, she felt a sharp breath escape her lungs. It may have had something to do with the toasty warm wings encircling her from behind.

"Mmmmm..." Sniffling, Twilight lowered her hooves from her tearstained face and glanced behind her. Her muzzle quivered. "...Rainbow?"

"Well, I can tell one thing that's wrong with you," Rainbow said, cuddling Twilight from behind. "You talk too friggin' much."

"Huh?"

"Didn't I tell you?" Rainbow smiled, squeezing Twilight into a tighter hug. "Just because you're an egghead doesn't mean you gotta crack so easily."

Twilight blinked. "But, I don't get it. What... I-I mean why are you—?"

"Pffft. Do I gotta write a lame scientific dissertation or some crud?" Rainbow stared evenly with Twilight's eyes. "We're friends. If you need something—no matter how silly or stupid it may sound—you just gotta ask for it, Twilight. I mean duh."

"But... b-but..." Twilight gulped and murmured, "How could I ask a pony like you for something as silly as c-cuddles? You're always so... awesome and cool and courageous."

"Uh huh. Yeah." Rainbow nodded, then hugged Twilight tighter. "And part of being courageous is having the strength to do what's best for your friends, right? I mean... pffft, sure..." She rolled her eyes. "This is pretty silly. Stupid, even. But you're my friend, Twilight! I'm not about to leave ya hangin'! And if you think that I would for even a second, then I guess you really don't know me well enough to keep writing those letters to Celestia!"

Twilight simply gawked at her, muzzle agape.

"But... y'know..." Rainbow fidgeted slightly, her jaw tight. "Mention one single word of this to the others and I'll drop you into Ghastly Gorge. Got it?"

Twilight cracked a grin. Then, with a breathy sob, she cracked an even larger one. What came out of her next was a foalish train of giggles, wide enough to force her eyes shut.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "I don't get it. I thought this was supposed to help you, not make you go crazy."

"No, it helps..." Twilight sniffled, wiping her face. She eventually gave up, just letting the tears flow as she surrendered to her friend's embrace. "This helps a lot."

"So... uhhh..." Rainbow wrapped her wings tighter around Twilight, securing her. "We're good, then?"

"Y-yes." Twilight squeaked, a placid smile across her muzzle as she relished the exquisite toastiness. "More than good."

"Killer. Glad I could lend a hoof."

Twilight shuddered, exhaling long and hard as her body relaxed.

Rainbow continued holding her in gentle silence... until: "Say Twi...?"

"Mmm?" Twilight's eyelids fluttered open. "Yes, Rainbow?"

The pegasus coyly smirked as she nuzzled her chin into the mare's neck. "...you were gonna be 'Phase Five' all along, weren't you?"

Twilight sighed, leaning back into Rainbow with a happy smile. "It doesn't matter anymore..."

Eggshells

"Nnnnnngh..." Twilight Sparkle shivered, flailing as her body flew through infinite darkness. Every breath cascaded around her in frosty vapors, and she felt the blood in her body going cold. Her yelping cries increased, echoing against the void. Finally, just as her eyes teared, she curled up into a little ball, surrendering to the impenetrable emptiness.

"Uhhh... Twilight?"

The voice vibrated all around her. Suddenly, the unicorn felt enfolded from all sides with feather-light velvety softness.

Twilight cooed, curling up against that warm, warm blanket. The blanket wrapped itself around her with wings and limbs. Within seconds, the void had cleared, dashed away like a dissipating thunder cloud. A toasty red glow lingered on the edges of Twilight's eyelids, so she finally opened them.

At first, all she saw was a sea of sky-blue fluff. Then, as Twilight tilted her head up, she saw fuzzy cheeks—and in the center of that cuddly frame a face... a slyly grinning face. A coy smirk loomed in the center of it all, and each syllable that came out of that smug muzzle was laced with fragrant breaths, smelling of dew drops and spring rainstorms.

"You okay, Twi?"

Twilight answered, or maybe she didn't. It mattered little. Blue feathers wrapped around her tighter, and she felt safe. As the trembles melted, Twilight went limp, leaning her face against the fuzzy sea, reveling in the gesture being returned tenfold. She felt Rainbow nuzzling the top of her head through her mane, and when the pegasus spoke it was as though Twilight's heart vibrated along with each scrumptious syllable.

"I know you're an egghead, but that doesn't mean you gotta crack so easily."

Somewhere, there was a dashing wink, and it kindled a flame that spread to all edges of the movie screen, burning the film to shredded bits so that a projected beam of white light invaded from beyond, throttling Twilight to the surface with a rush of blood through her aching head.

Epiphany

Twilight Sparkle's eyes opened.

She was lying in bed.

A cold glint of moonlight wafted through the window, cascading over her bed covers and limp limbs.

The mare sniffled—though she knew not why. When next she blinked, she became aware of just how wet her face was. Squirming, she raised a stiff hoof up and rubbed her cheek. Examining her forelimb, she saw that several tears glistened in the starlight.

Twilight shifted in bed. It was only then that she realized that her head was lying flat against the mattress. Every pillow that she owned was scrunched up against her chest, folded underneath her legs, and she was hugging them so hard that the downy feathers inside nearly burst free from the pillowcases.

Somehow she knew that there was absolutely no chance in Tartarus of going back to sleep now.

So, with a prolonged sigh, she got up and trotted towards the edge of her room. She lingered as she passed by Spike sleeping in his little dragon bed. Twilight's eyes fell on the infant drake, meanwhile her chest shivered from a pronounced heartbeat. She reached over, caressing his scales gently, then caressing them some more. At one point, he grumbled in mid-slumber, turning over.

Wincing, Twilight pulled her hoof back with a seemingly guilty breath. Ears limp, she opened the door and shuffled lonesomely down the steps to the main lobby of the library.

She switched a lamp on, instantly squinting. As her eyes adjusted, Twilight found herself simply standing there in the middle of her library, doing nothing and saying nothing. She was surrounded by countless books, and yet she made no attempt to read any single one of them. She had no desire to.

Instead, after much squirming, she trotted over to a mirror. Staring into the reflective surface, she noticed how puffy her eyes were. The coat just above her nose was still moist from tears. She blinked several times, tilting her head left and right. At last, she raised a hoof up, stroking it along her left cheek... then her right. She then lowered the hoof, rubbing tiny circles across her fuzzy chest. The mare looked at her hoof, then back at the mirror.

Twilight's face scrunched. She blinked several times, then looked at a chalkboard lingering in the distant corner of the mirror. Spinning around, she looked at the actual board itself. Her ears suddenly perked up, and in brisk fashion she trotted across the library, picked up a stick of chalk with her telekinesis, and began scribbling frantic notations across the board.