Thugs and Brushes

by WezzaHD

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Adventure, Gilda, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Drama, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 10049

Hey there, names Ryan. I'm a guy searching for a tree and suddenly boom, I'm a Pokemon now because of Arceus.

Co- Written with Philosophysics

Meet Ryan. He's a pokemon trainer looking for Xerneas. He couldn't even say how close he was, but now he's a pokemon himself, stuck in a land of ponies. He hates asking for help, but it seems he'll need it. Now with his *Not* friend Akira, they'll go searching for Gods.

Meet Akira. He's a pokemon trainer too! Morals are a bit loose as he's a wide open sociopath. He's just going around looking for Arceus, so he can punch him in the face. And what's this? He's oblivious to his starter pokemon's crush... And gender. With his *Not* friend Ryan, he'll learn to love properly!

Meet Gilda. A brash young griffon who just got saddled with a brash young Ryan. She's going to have to teach him how things work in Equestria.

Meet Greta. A shy young griffon who is actually friends with Gilda. She's saddled with Akira. She may just have the hardest job of the four; making sure none of them kill each other.

Inspired by A New World, A New Way by zeusdemigod131

Cover art is not mine.

Published 2016-06-25 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-20 14:22:53 UTC

Arrival

Slash opened her eyes but closed them when she realised that she was directly under the sun.

“Ugh…” What happened?” She groaned. “Where am I?” She looked around and saw that she was in a forest. She tried to get up but stumbled when she found out that she was on a hill. Slash was confused; one moment she was in her Pokeball but now she was on a huge hill in the middle of nowhere.

She turned to her left and saw something down the hill in the distance that looked familiar. She walked towards it curiously making her way past a few trees and saw Guardian lying on the ground. He appeared to still be unconscious, so she would have to wait for him to get up. Upon closer inspection, the idiot appeared to be leaning on something green, and spiky. At first it looked like some kind or plant, but then she could see that it was a Cacturne.

“I guess I should probably pull the guy out.” She thought. She grabbed one of his arms and began to pull. He didn’t budge at first, but over time he started to move. He kept until he was almost out. "Okay, just one last pull and…” She put all her strength into that last tug, and he was successfully out. She had pulled hard enough to get him in the air for about a second before he landed directly on top of her.

“Hey!” Slash yelled. “Get off of me you dumb cactus, and wake up.” She was pretty sure that she had a better chance of waking up the Cacturne than waking up Guardian… and she was right.

“Wh- wha?” He was just as dazed as she was when she first woke up and was her angry face was the first thing he saw.

“I said get off of me!”

"Ah! Angry face!" he yelled and pushed himself up. In his hurry he snagged her fur on his spikes, and jabbed her with them repeatedly. Finally he was able to get his spikes off of her, but he was left with his stumpy cactus hands pressing down onto a sensitive part of her chest. She was seething, her temperature was so boiling one might’ve mistook her for a fire- type.

Over to one side they both heard someone make a low whistle. They both looked to see another Zangoose, also female and looking very familiar to Slash leaning on a tree. She wiggled her eyebrows at the two of them. "Shouldn't you two lovebirds find somewhere more private to do that."

Slash glared at the other Zangoose for a moment before taking a deep breath. “We’re not ‘lovebirds’. I just met this guy, now tell me who you are and where we are before I rip you to shreds.” She added a growl at the end of her sentence.

"You would have to get out from under your boyfriend first." she teased.

“Are you deaf as well as dimwitted? I said he isn’t my boyfriend! Now do you know where we are or not?”

"Well you still haven't gotten out from under him so I think you're a liar. Oh or maybe you prefer girls. Can I join in?" said the other Zangoose as she licked her lips.

The Cacturne stood up, and started to examine itself. He brought his green spiky arms up to look at them. His yellow eyes widened as he realized that he was NOT wearing a costume, and walked off to have a mild freak out by running around and waving his arms. Somehow his hips swayed back and forth in a sashay despite running full speed.

“I don’t know what kind of weirdo you are, but do you know what this place is or not!?”

"Sorry slut but I haven't got a clue where we are." That was the final straw.

“Guardian can wait.” She growled. “Fury Cutter!” She pounced at the other Zangoose with the bug- type attack. Her claws glowed yellow as she jumped towards her target.

The other Zangoose suddenly transformed into a trampoline, and in her surprise at this Slash did not attack with her powered up claws and bounced off of the elastic. Slash was sent backwards and would have crashed into the Cacturne if he hadn't suddenly ducked his head down to examine his lower body. As she landed Slash rolled with her momentum and came back up on her feet. The trampoline then transformed into a small pink blob, a Ditto.

“Figures.” She grunted. “Fine then, Quick Attack!” She shot forwards at blinding speeds but instead of hitting the Ditto, she jumped up and electricity began to form around her. “Thunderbolt!” She shocked the Ditto with her electric attack, before shooting back down to finish the quick attack, but the transforming Pokemon recovered from the special attack and turned into an anvil so when Slash landed the blow, she hurt her claws. “Argh, you’ll pay for that!”

A mouth opened on the side of the anvil, and a long tongue reached out to lick her face. It the made a rude noise and transformed into a rubber ball, and started bouncing around the area at random. After a few bounces the ball was coming directly at Slash. She got ready to slash at the weak form that the Ditto had taken. The rubber ball flashed with a bit of energy and transformed into an iron cannon ball covered in spikes.

Slash didn’t pull back until it was too late and her claws suffered damage once again. “I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU!! SWORD’S DANCE!” She boosted her attack before letting out another Thunderbolt.

"Whoever did this to me is the most despicable person in the universe!" the Cacturne yelled to the sky. The battling pokemon got his attention, and he became suspicious of them. The spikes on his arms glowed with a green light, and extended into long lethal looking needles. Before he could think of actually doing something he heard a noise from behind him. A look over his shoulder let him see the Golurk rise to his feet.

“Where am I? What is this place? Who are-” He stopped when he saw Slash fighting the Ditto.

“Slash!” Guardian immediately stood up. “Are you doing battle? Without me?”

"Yay! More fun!" the Ditto cheered. In a flash the transformation pokemon transformed into a copy of the Golurk. "Now I can get serious. ...well mostly."

“Slash, why did you not tell me that you were doing battle?”

“BECAUSE YOU WERE ASLEEP!”

“I see…” Guardian nodded at the fact. “So may I now join?”

“Yes! Yes you can!” Slash yelled.

“Hooray!” Guardian cheered. “Ice Punch!”

“Yeah let’s do this!” They both went at each other with the same ice- type attack. They collided with each other.

“Fire Punch!” Guardian used his other hand to hit the Ditto in the chest.

"Ice Punch! Because I may be crazy but I'm not stupid enough to fight a Ground type with fire." the Ditto yelled and hit the Golurk in the face just as the Fire Punch connected with his own.

“Earthquake!”

"Earthquake!" the Ditto yelled and slammed his Golurk fists into the ground parallel to Guardian. Trees fell down and the ground roared at both of the attacks.

The Cacturne was unlucky enough to get smacked on the butt by a big slab of earth, and was launched into the air only to land behind the Ditto Golurk. Slash on the other hand instantly jumped on Guardian’s shoulder to avoid most of the damage.

“You are truly a worthy adversary.” Guardian complimented his opponent. "Might I know your name warrior?"

"I'm Joker." the Ditto answered in a mock version of Guardian's knightly voice. "Mercenary boss of the Royal Flush guild."

“I commend you Joker.”

“Don’t compliment him!” Slash told him. "Dynamic Punch him or something!"

"But he has my Ghost typing. He should be immune to Fighting attacks."

"He's a Ditto, maybe it doesn't transfer over." Slash suggested.

"Very well. Dynamic Punch!" Guardian yelled and attacked with the powerful punch. Joker chose to transform again into Slash, and leap up over the massive fist. As a Zangoose he ran up the arm and Tackled the other Normal type from her perch on Guardian's shoulder.

The Cacturne turned and saw the very big fist coming right at him. He couldn't dodge in time and took the Dynamic Punch right in his...well the fist was the same size as his body, so he took the Dynamic Punch right in his everything.

He had been flying for several minutes now trying to get his bearings and figure out where he was. After a while he took a break on a surprisingly sturdy cloud. Looking down on the world below he could see a battle between a Zangoose and what must have been a Ditto. Nearby were a Cacturne and an unconscious Golurk. Then the Golurk woke up and joined in to help the Zangoose.

He did not care about it being a one on two battle as that was not an uncommon occurrence. But the moment the Golurk accidentally hit the Cacturne with a powerful attack, and ignored the now injured innocent bystander he decided to step in before the battle got truly out of hand.

Slash successfully landed a strong attack on the Ditto and sent him crashing into a tree where he lost control of his form and returned to his normal blob like state. Guardian followed up by jumping into the air and using another Dynamic Punch attack.

But the blow never hit its target as a Dragonite landed in between them and stopped the larger pokemon's attack with a simple open palm. Guardian remained suspended in the air, supported only by the Dragonite. The Dragon pokemon pushed, and sent the Golurk backwards through the air.

"That is enough!" the Dragon told them all.

"Out of my way or get your ass kicked!" Slash growled at him.

"I have the multiscale ability so even an Ice type move won't do much damage at first, so unless you and your friend want to battle me when I use my strength I suggest that this end here."

"But didn't you just use Strength?" Joker asked.

"No that was just me." the Dragon said.

"Strong you are, but that one," Guardian pointed at the Ditto. "Offended my friend and we are doing battle with him whether you like it or not. Now stand aside and let us return to our honorable combat."

The Dragonite did not budge, and pointed a claw at the Cacturne who was only now starting to move again. "And how many times are you going to endanger an innocent bystander." he asked them all. "That Cacturne did nothing wrong, but he took your Dynamic Punch full force. You injured a spectator, and then ignored him."

“T’was not our fault that he got in our way.” Guardian was still insistent to continue the battle.

“You probably won’t get through to him.” Slash gestured to the Golurk.

"Then I'll tell you." the Dragonite gave her a hard look. "Unless you want your friend to get hurt this ends now."

“Look, scales.” She poked him in the stomach. “We’re just looking for our trainer, and the blob over there wasn’t being very helpful.” She pointed at the Ditto. “Now it’d be great if you left. I’m sure there’s a lost ship for you to save around here somewhere.” The Dragonite’s glare hardened even more. “You don't scare me, you used up your multiscale ability against Guardian's Dynamic Punch. I can even see you're making an effort to resist the confusion brought on by Guardian's attack. We're looking for our trainer. So before you say anything, I’d look behind you.”

"Bring it on bitches." Joker laughed as he turned into a copy of the Dragonite. "Come at me brah! Dragon Rage!" He opened his mouth but nothing came out aside from a small puff of smoke. "Okay uh... Outrage!" Once again, nothing happened."Hyper Beam?"

"Yeah I don't know any of those moves." The Dragonite deadpanned at Joker.

"...the hell kind of Dragon are you?" Joker asked accusingly.

"I am beginning to think that Joker is not the worthy adversary I thought he was." Guardian commented as he stared plainly at the display in front of him.

"Back off dragon- type, he's ours!" Slash growled.

"My my, aren't you the naughty one?" Joker laughed.

"I will end you!"

"Not on my watch, you won't." The Dragonite flew in front of the two. It had seemed like another fight was about to before...

"Guardian?" A voice asked. "Slash?" It asked again. Soon, a Malamar rose up from the trees with a confused expression on his face that most did not see often.

"Light!" Slash said, surprised. "Have you seen Ryan? Do you have any idea where we are?"

"Random creature with tentacles? I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going." Joker said. He then had an idea. "Let's have some fun!"

They all looked at him as he transformed into a Leavanny, but without the leaves. Guardian and the Dragonite both looked away with red faces. Slash facepawed, and started to question the actual sanity of Joker.

“I swear, the only thing that separates you from Guardian is how perverted you are.”
She said.

“I despise it when you’re right.” Light shook his head.

“Please, I could be just as smart as you.”

“You take that back!” Light demanded in an offended tone. He then felt something poke at one of his tentacles. It was Joker as the Leavanny.

"How sensitive are these anyway?" He pulled on one with his insectoid arms. Light stood frozen for a moment before snatching his arm back and hiding behind Slash.

“All is forgiven, now destroy that abomination!”

“I’d hit you if I didn’t want to kill this Ditto first.”

"Finally! I thought I was gonna have to break the wall and slap our authors to get us back on track. Uh..I mean, LET’S DO THIS!” Joker laughed before turning into a Hitmonchan and doing some practice jabs.

Everyone just stared at him.

"One moment please." the Dragonite said. He stepped towards Joker who transformed back into a Dragonite.

"I may not know your moves but I'm just as strong as you." Joker taunted him with a 'bring it' flick of his claws.

The Dragonite stood there for a moment before taking a deep breath, and exhaling. The most unexpected thing happened. Ice shot out of the Dragon's mouth! His Icy Wind hit Joker head on, and with his current double weakness to Ice it was very effective. In less than a minute he was frozen inside of a block of ice.

The Dragonite picked up the frozen nut job, and using his Strength threw him up into the air. There was a whooshing sound as the Dragonite copy ascended far enough to almost breach the atmosphere.

And back down he came. The real Dragonite caught the still frozen copy and set him down.

"So are we done here?" he asked the others. "Because if not, that happens to you."

“Nonsense!” Guardian proclaimed. “A Pikachu has done better than you!”

"I won't be catching the next one I throw."

“Oh for the love of…” Slash sighed before turning to the Golurk. “Guardian, there are more pressing matters than battling some Dragonite. Ryan is gone.”

“Master is missing?!” His priorities quickly changed. “I am sorry young Dragonite, but we must duel another day.”

“At least that should keep him distracted.”

"Holy shit look at this treasure!" Joker yelled. They all looked at him, he had apparently changed into a Sableye and escaped the ice. He held a green gemstone about the size of his head. "Our precioussss." he rubbed the gem like it was a pet.

"Did you just dig that out of the ground?" Light asked.

"You can't have my precious!" Joker screamed at the Malamar. He dug into the ground again and pulled out a Bug pokemon. The Nincada was then launched at Light after he turned into a cannon. It landed straight on his face. Light blacked out.

“Now look what you’ve done.” Slash sighed, walking over to the Malamar. “At least I get to do this.” She let out a Thunderbolt and shocked Light causing him to wake up. “You have got to get over this fear of yours sometime. I don’t even know how we got you near Venom.”

“My business is my business alone, Slash.” He brushed himself off. “And must I inform you that the reason my fear of those abominable pokemon remains is not from lack of trying, mind you.”

“Bullshit.” She folded her arms.

“Typist…” The Nincada muttered.

"Jerk." Joker said. He was still a Sableye and was sitting on the gem. "I may be an ass but I don't hate on someone just because of their species."

“You are in no position to judge me. Now return to living out your putrid Leavanny fantasies elsewhere.”

A mad glint appeared in Joker's eyes that had nothing to do with his current form. He walked over to the Nincada and whispered in her ear. When he finished the Bug looked at Light with her head tilted to one side.

"You know he is kind of cute I guess. I'll teach him to like Bugs!"

“... What did you tell that insect?” He floated back slightly.

"That you were just shy around Bug pokemon because of your double weakness to them, and that you just need to get 'close' to one to change your opinion." Joker smiled a wide Sableye smile. "Have fun with that!"

“Both of you shall keep away from me!” He quickly rose into the air to get away.

"Wait for me!" The Nincada jumped and just barely managed to hug onto his legs, with Slash completely ignoring the scene.

“So… none of you know where we are?”

Joker held up one hand and opened his mouth to speak. He stood like that for several moments. Finally he slumped. "Not a clue...which is unusual since I usually know stuff like that just because of reasons. I have no idea what planet we are on."

“...Fascinating. How about you…” She dismissed what Joker said as another one of his ramblings and turned to the Dragonite, but trailed off when she realised that she didn’t know his name, if he had one.

"Christopher." he offered the answer to her obvious question. "And I haven't seen a single recognizable landmark. And as unlikely as it sounds I think we actually are on a different planet. I flew around the Earth just the other week and I don't see any resemblance to it on this world."

"... Wait I was right? I was just being random! We're seriously on another planet?!" Joker exclaimed.

“Stop overreacting.” She scoffed. “We are NOT on a different planet. You must’ve missed a spot or something.” She began shifting uncomfortably as she remembered the voice she had heard in her Pokeball. “By the way, have you seen Ryan? He’s our trainer and-”

“And we must find him before it is too late!” Guardian burst out saying. “Master is missing and we must locate him!”

"Um, excuse me." the Cacturne got their attention and pointed at Light. The Malamar had hypnotized the Nincada and was levitating a large rock over her. "He won't seriously squish her will he?"

“What is the issue?” The Nincada asked monotonously. “I want to be squished.”

“You see? She doesn’t mind. She even added a rhyme to show how much she wants to be ‘squished’ by this rock.” Light smiled.

"If you don't put the rock down and unhypnotize her I'll let Joker have his way with you." Christopher said completely seriously. Joker transformed into a very large spider, not a pokemon just a giant spider.

“... Very well.” He sighed. The lights on his chest lit up in various different patterns, causing his hypnosis to cease. He also dropped the rock… on Christopher’s head. “My concentration slipped.” He shrugged.

Christopher rubbed his head. "I guess it did."

"Why were you levitating a rock?" the Nincada asked.

Christopher grinned. "It was about to fall on you and he stopped it."

"Oh my gosh really?" she looked at Light and her eyes turned into pink hearts. She jumped at him with her forelegs wide for a hug, but Light dashed back quickly before throwing the Nincada into some distant trees.

“Guardian, please destroy him.”

“Only if it is all in good fun.” Guardian ran forward but stopped before he took the first step into running. “But we must find Master first.” This caused Light and Slash to stare at the Golurk, surprised that he was not only right about something but also being quite sensible all of a sudden.

“... Yes, quite.” Light cleared his throat. As they were speaking, Joker suddenly transformed into a Koffing and used Smokescreen.

"Imma let you finish but I gotta go! Later bitches! Sorry for the cursing, my regular author usually doesn't go for that!” Smoke filled the area completely, causing all of the Pokemon to cough vigorously. Once the black smoke cleared, they looked around to see that he was gone, but Christopher caught a glimpse of the pink blob running away and flew after him.

The Cacturne looked back and forth between the two groups. Then he began walking backwards away from the larger group with a nervous smile. “Not that it hasn't been fun, which it hasn't, but I'm gonna go with the guys who DIDN'T flatten me into the ground. Bye~” and with that he sashayed away as fast as he could. “Psychopaths!”

"So.. I guess we should look for Ryan now?" Slash questioned.

"Yes, I suppose we sho-" Light stopped mid- sentence. Slash was about to ask what was wrong before he turned around to a bush behind them, where he levitated an unknown Pokemon out of the bush, and it was unknown in every sense of the word. It vaguely resembled a Fearow, but it had four legs.

Gilda was just one of the Griffins who was curious when they heard the noises in he forest. The whole of Griffinstone could hear them and they were incredibly loud. Of course with nothing better to do and no one buying her Griffin Scones she decided to go check it out. It also meant she got to get out of that town of hers for a little bit.

Now she was in the forest on the hill ready to check whatever was causing the noises out. She was also seeing some really weird animals on that walk that she had never seen before. There were some birds flying around with shiny skin that looked like metal, some small really hairy monkeys that all had angry looks on their faces. The weirdest thing though was the two- headed kiwis. Those definitely took the cake for the lone griffin. At least until she saw the huge stone Goliath and the small dragon fighting. She hid behind some trees so they wouldn't notice her, but she didn't hear grunts or roars, but words she hadn't heard before, and they kept saying those words over and over again.

Author's Note

This was a crossover with Cookie_Girl's The Pokemon King of Griffinstone. Go check it out, it's really good.

I Don't Know

Gilda was just one of the Griffins who was curious when they heard the noises in the forest. The whole of Griffinstone could hear them and they were incredibly loud. Of course with nothing better to do and no one buying her Griffin Scones she decided to go check it out. It also meant she got to get out of that town of hers for a little bit.

Now she was in the forest on the hill ready to check whatever was causing the noises out. She was also seeing some really weird animals on that walk that she had never seen before. There were some birds flying around with shiny skin that looked like metal, some small really hairy monkeys that all had angry looks on their faces. The weirdest thing though was the two- headed kiwis. Those definitely took the cake for the lone griffin. At least until she saw the huge stone Goliath and the small dragon fighting. She hid behind some bushes so they wouldn't notice her, but she didn't hear grunts or roars, but words she hadn't heard before, and they kept saying those words over and over again.

"Maybe it's some kind of weird language." Gilda thought.

"I suppose that’s not a bad way of looking at it" Gilda's eyes widened as she was lifted out of the bush.

"Who are you and what do you want?" Gilda immediately readied her talons in defence.

"Well I could ask you the same thing considering you were the one spying on us." It grinned. "And while you're at it you can tell us where we are and what YOU are; I don't believe I've ever seen a Pokemon quite like yourself." He floated around her, analysing her.

"A Poke- what?"

"Thou art wasting time Light. Just read its mind and be done with it so we may find Master."

"Patience, Guardian." He tutted.

"I can read minds, and make it hurt so I wouldn't try lying if I were you." It warned.

"You're in Griffinstone." She said warily.

"Very well." The Squid- thing nodded. "Now what-"

"Hold on." Gilda interrupted. "Why don't YOU tell ME something about you two." She pointed at both of them. "I don't know anything about either of you so why should I be the one answering the questions. Let's start with telling me who and what you are." The question was mainly directed at the floating squid, since she knew what a golem was.

"Alright." Light sighed. "My name is Light, and I'm a Malamar. Guardian over there is a Golurk and the Zangoose is Slash." Gilda hadn't heard of either of those things so she just went with it.

"I'm a griffin." Light cocked his head to the right in confusion.

"I've never heard of a Pokemon called a griffin. Is it possible that you're not a Pokemon?"

"Well I don't know what that is so sure, whatever."

"But if you are not a Pokemon then what are you? Are you an alien from the moon like the Clefairy?!"

"She's not a Clefairy Light."

"Who's this Master he keeps talking about?"

"It's who we're looking for." Light exclaimed. "He is our trainer but Guardian insists on calling him master."

"TIS BECAUSE HE IS MY MASTER, AND IF THOU ART GOING TO WASTE TIME TALKING TO AN ALIEN THEN I WILL CONTINUE THE SEARCH ON MY OWN." Guardian began to call shout.

"HELLO? WHERE ART THOU MASTER?"

Ryan ran as fast as he could. What he heard was definitely Guardian and he was close. Though it was difficult to run in the extremely baggy trousers he was put in. He would have to find a belt for that later. For now he would just hold his trousers up and ran towards where he heard Guardian. Ryan looked up and saw his huge body poking out of the trees.

"Guardian!"

"MASTER?"

"Hold on, I'm almost there, and don't call me master." He got past some trees and saw Guardian, Light and some other weird Pokemon that he didn't know. "The hell is that?" He asked when he saw the unknown thing.

"OH, TIS JUST A SCRAFTY." Guardian's comment made Ryan confused.

"What? Just because I look a little weird right now doesn't mean I'm a Scrafty."

"He knew your name though Guardian, maybe he knows what happened to Ryan."

"Uuh hello? I AM Ryan, what the hell is wrong with you two? By the way have both of you gotten taller?"

"Sir, I do not know what delusions you are suffering, but you need to look at yourself." He pointed to a puddle nearby.

"Light, right now how I look is the least..." He saw himself. Round face, orange scaley skin, large mouth; everything he didn't have a couple of minutes ago. His eyes widened, he began to hyperventilate.

"This has to be a dream." Of course, that made sense. He had passed out from being so angry about not finally finding Xerneas, and is now dreaming. He just had to wake himself up quickly, he could be in the hands Team Flare for all he knew, since their base was what he remembered last. He looked around for something to hit himself with. He saw a large tree, walked towards it and promptly hit his hand as hard as he could on the tree, only to clench his hand a moment later.

"Okay, not dreaming."

"MAY WE CONTINUE OUR SEARCH FOR MASTER NOW?" Guardian was growing impatient.

"I AM your master, and don't call me master!" Light looked at him with intrigue.

"Could it really be you?" Light was skeptical, but he knew his trainer, and his was definitely how his trainer acted, ad given that they were in a unknown place with an unknown being. "How did you catch me?"

"Light, I found you as an Inkay getting tormented by a swarm of Beedrill and Pinsir. It made you want to get stronger, and also made you hate bug- types." It was true, he was always tense around bug- types, partly because of that, another part because of his huge weakness to them due to his typing. It was a week before he went near Venom.

"I... don't believe it. It really is you." Light was shocked. How was this even possible? He didn't know a thing about what was happening.

"Can it truly be? Master hath really turned into a Scrafty?"

"I apparently have, and don't call me master. Seriously, what do I always tell you?"

"I believe thou telleths me not to call thee master."

"Then stop doing it, dammit!"

"I apologise for my insubordination master, it will not happen again."

"Honestly, there's no winning with you sometimes." He rubbed his new head.

"Uuuh..." They all looked behind them to see that thing from before staring at them in confusion.

"What's with her?" Ryan asked.

"She can't understand us." Light explained.

"Well what is she?"

"I don't know, and I know everything." Ryan rolled his eyes. Light often prided himself on his knowledge and never liked not knowing things.

After a bit of a walk they would up in large town near the hillside. While were taken through, they got a lot of odd looks from those "griffins" they went past.

"WHAT?!" Ryan yelled at them and they quickly turned their heads away as Light had been translating everything that they said.

"You know, it'd be best not to yell at them considering they have reason to stare, considering that they've probably never seen anything like us."

"Whatever." Ryan rolled his eyes. "I just don't want them staring at me."

"Will you two shut up? We're nearly there." Gilda scowled at them. A couple of minutes later the reach a white building with a sign indicating that it was some sort of laboratory. Despite Ryan grumbling, they all entered, with Guardian waiting outside since he was too big to go in and essentially barged into one particular room.

"Hey! Knock before you come in and... Gilda, was it?" Speaking to them was a griffon with the head of an incredibly flustered owl and the body of a tiger. "Ugh, my point still stands either way, now what do you need? Are you looking for Greta? I've got the find of a century with me right here and I need to document this!"

"Uuh, what is it?" Gilda asked. "It just looks like an egg; a really big egg."

"Yes, but I've looked through the eggs of all known species that produce them and I have no idea what this is. Selene found it in the forest and I can't figure out what it is. It might be a new species! Do you have any idea how amazing that is for-" He stopped in mid- sentence. "What are those things behind you?" He stared at Ryan and Light, the former of which was staring at the egg.

"Well, I was kinda hoping you knew."

"Well I can't say that I've ever seen anything like these things before. No, a flying squid and a giant lizard in clothes are definitely new to me."

"We're right here you know, you can just talk to us." Light butted in.

"Y- You can talk?" Greenfluff was surprised and a little bit scared.

"Yes, my name is Light and I am a Malamar, that's Slash the Zangoose and this is Ryan and while he is a Scrafty, he used to be human."

"Ummmm... I don't know what a 'Malamar', a 'Sangoose', a 'Craft Tea', or a "Hooman" is." Greenfluff replied.

"Interesting. Do you know what a Pokemon is?" Light inquired.

"...no. Can you... explain it to me?" Greenfluff asked politely.

"Of course I can." Light smiled and clapped his tentacles together."Ryan, can you stand by in case I require your assistance in my explanation?"

"Light?" Ryan questioned. "Doesn't that egg look like-"

"WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"What was that?" Greenfluff asked.

"It sounded like it came from out there." Gilda turned to the window, as did Ryan and Light.

"LET GO OF ME!!" A giant red insect was running through the town, trying to shake off the griffins attempting to subdue it.

"Let's go Light!" Ryan and his Malamar ran out of the building quickly.

"Hey, where are you two going?!" Gilda hurried after them.

When they left the building, the they found that she was still there, with more griffins piling on to her.

"Light, use Psychic to get them off her and pin her to the ground!" He ordered. "And for the love of Arceus, be gentle!" He quickly said when he say the grin on his Pokemons face.

"Fine." Light rolled his eyes which soon became a light blue, and the griffins soon became enveloped in an aura of the same colour and lifted away. The Scolipede looked confused for a moment, but was soon pinned to the ground by the same aura. "What the?" She looked and saw the Pokemon responsible. "Light? First off, let me go before I Megahorn you to the other side of... Wherever we are! Secondly... who's that next to you?"

The Malamar floated a couple of metres back at the mention of the first demand but still held his grip. "This is Ryan."

"Ryan isn't a Scrafty." She gave him a look that said "Are you serious?".

"I became one." Ryan walked up to her. "Don't know how or why, but I am one."

"Comrade Venom, this is indeed our Master!!" Guardian piped up.

"Oh for Arceus's sake, stop calling me that!" He shouted at the Golurk, while Venom stared blankly at him.

"Okay, I believe you."

Mother's Love

The Scolipede groggily woke up from her sleep. The last thing she remembered was being in her Pokeball and now she was in a forest. She looked around, finding nothing. She was alone. She couldn't see Ryan, she couldn't see Lucky and she couldn't...

"The egg!" She thought to herself before she began frantically looking around. "Where is it? Where did it go?! Why isn't it here?!"

She tears the underbrush, the trees, the ground before beginning to cry.”I’m a horrible mother!”

A rock hits her forehead. She whips to face the scarved smeargle who threw it.”...Jun?” She frowned. “Is that you? Why did you throw a rock at me?”, she whines.

The white scarved Smeargle simply motions her to follow her. It disappears into the underbrush.

Venom stares at the spot where it was… until another rock hits her.

“Okay. Okay. I’m coming.”

Now Venom was in the lab with her egg in front of Greenfluff, who stood behind a chair for his own safety.

"Why did you have my egg?" She hissed.

"Well... I... You see..." He was stuttering nervously.

“Well?”

“It’s…” He cleared his throat and regained his composure. "I found it in the forest lying around. It looked nothing like I had ever seen, and there appeared to be no nest anywhere so I took it back to the lab with me." The Scolipede still had narrowed eyes.

"Venom, just forgive the guy." Ryan rolled his eyes. "Your egg is fine, so just get it over with."

"Alright." Venom sighed at her trainer's brutal honesty. They gave the griffon a brief overview about their world, about Pokemon and about humans. Greenfluff was very intrigued by all of this, as well as being quite confused.

"So you none of you have any idea how you got here?"

"No." Ryan shrugged.

"I'm sure there's an explanation for all of this." Light said. "I just haven't found it yet."

"Whatever." Ryan looked out the window with a bored look on his face. "just figure out a way to get us back. There are important things I need to do."

"Well you'll need to stay somewhere until we can figure all of this out." Greenfluff thought for a moment. "I don't really know many Griffins that would be willing to let people stay in their house unless they were being paid bits. Not to mention how many of you there are."

"We'll find our own place." The Scrafty walked towards the door, followed by Gilda and his Pokemon.

“By the way.” Venom said. “I forgot to mention this but I was led here by…”

“Former comrade Jun!” They heard Guardian bellow outside, as he held a Smeargle dangling by its tail.

“So about that whiskey,” The unrepentant Smeargle asks the stunned Griffon.

“...”, the Griffon turns toward the place with the smell of food, which Akira assumes to be a kitchen "This is diluted right?" The Griffon simply gave him the whiskey, not answering the question as all he heard was "Smeargle, Smeargle, Smeargle."

He chugs it down in one go."Ahh, that's the stuff." Akira sighed in relief. He promptly threw up violently and grumbled,”Yeah. No. Damn it. Why am I such a lightweight? I thought pokemon had freakishly high metabolisms.”

"What do you think it is?" The female griffon asked, slightly repulsed by the vomit.

"I don't know, maybe it's some sort of dog?" The male one replied.

"Dogs don't have paintbrushes for tails and say 'Smeargle'."

"Maybe it's some kind of Diamond Dog with a speech impediment?"

"That seems to be the only reasonable explanation we have right now. Smarter too by the looks of it. It’s disinfecting it’s wounds."

"And then there's..." They both looked up at the Smeargle- sized hole in their roof. "That." The male griffon turned to his wife. "I've got nothing."

"You think it has any bits?"

"I don't see any pockets."

"Maybe it's some sort of unknown animal and it's worth a lot of bits?"

"I don't think we can sell it. It was smart enough to sit at a table and drink our whiskey, so it's sentient."

“What table? It’s not sitting at a table. It’s sitting ON the table! Which was carved by my grandfather too!”

"I can hear you both you know." Akira muttered, not that they could understand him. "Ugh, I'd leave if I had any idea where I was." He looks down at the pile of vomit and sighs,”I should probably clean that up. Come to think of it, I’d probably sell myself too if I was a rare creature.”

"So this place is called Griffinstone?" Ryan questioned, trying not to look at Jun with scrutiny. He could see that she was trying not to look at him, averting her gaze to the ground as she sat on Venom’s back, holding the egg while Lucky was perched on the Scolipede’s head. It wasn't even her fault, but there were too many memories that she carried.

"Yes." Gilda grumbled.

"And we're in some place called Equestria?"

"Yes." She spoke with more irritation than before. "What rock have you been living under?"

"I just woke up in a place I know nothing about with my guide being annoying creature I barely know anything about so if you could just get on with it instead of talking shit to me then that'd be great."

"Hey!" The griffoness whipped around and glared at Ryan. "Watch your mouth!"

"Oh like you're going to do anything about it." The Scrafty rolled his eyes. The two locked eyes, daring the other to throw the first punch.

"Ryan, are there not more pressing matters at the moment than starting a fight?" Light went inbetween the two. "I believe we should move hastily, and that Nincada might still be following me..."

"Fine." They both said.

She showed them everything, from the statue to her stand with the griffin scones. They went back to her house, where she let them stay. She had found mysterious creatures in the woods, and maybe if she was lucky enough they would somehow earn her enough bits to leave. Celestia knew she needed all the luck she could get after her only friend ditched her. Although it wasn't anything new for her today, another look of confusion dawned upon her face when she saw a large hole on the roof of her parent's house.

The door opened as she and the Pokemon stepped (besides Venom and Guardian) in the front room to see what looked like a diamond dog in a beret cleaning up a pile of vomit.

"Is that another Pokeyman?" She asked Ryan.

"Yeah, it's a Smeargle."

"I'm actually a 'he'." Akira lowered his glass and stepped off the table. "And I used to be human. And you should teach her to pronounce it correctly."

"You too?" Ryan questioned.

"Yeah..." He stared at the Scrafty. "Hey, have we met?"

"I don't know, maybe? You do sound familiar."

"What's your name?"

"Name's Ryan, and you are?" The Smeargle's eyes widened as he heard Ryan give his name.

"Hey, I said and you a-"

“I am going to enjoy kicking your metaphorical ass up and down this lane.” Akira cracks his neck.”Come to think of it, I’m going to be doing that literally too.”

“What the hell do you-” Ryan began to say, but stopped in his tracks.

Kind of mandatory when a mop handle hits you in the male parts and launches you up through the hole in the roof.

“I’ve still got the skills”, Akira smirks,”To pay the bills.” In an astounding show of athleticism, he pole vaults out using nothing but the mop.

Author's Note

There's the fourth chapter. Hope you guys enjoy:twilightsmile:.

Old Friends

“Are you fucking crazy?!” Ryan yells as he lands holding his balls.

Akira holds his tail like a whip,”Absolutely not. I simply don’t think things through.”, He holds his tail as it glows into a stiff position.

“Now taste the Tail Whip!”

Ryan barely dodges the move which cracks the ground.

“Holy shit!”, Ryan shouts,”What the hell’s your problem!?” After dodging another tail whip, he began to growl. “Okay, that’s it!” He have Akira a Headbutt, knocking the Smeargle into a wall.

A small pop is heard as a Teleport is used,”I’ve been blown across the sky for the better half of the day today.”, Akira says as he chokes Ryan with his tail,”I’m going to do a sky high Suplex. You ready?”

“No!”

“Kon Bon Wa!” Akira yells as he simply flips with him and Ryan and Suplexes him.

“Okay, no!” Ryan grabbed Akira’s tail and swung him into another wall. “Thank Arceus my head is suddenly more durable.”

“Whatever this is, can you please take it outside?” Gilda frowned while her parents nodded in agreement.

“Fine.” Ryan rolled his eye and High Jump Kick-ed Akira out of the door. “Huh, so that’s a move I can use I guess.” As he stepped outside, he saw the Smeargle glaring at him. “So if you wanna tell me why you just hit me with a mop before suplexing me that’d be great.” Just as he spoke, Light began chuckling to himself. “I’m glad you find this amusing.” Ryan rolled his eyes.

“Oh no it’s just that I figured out who this individual is and why he’s attacking you?"

“Well? Spit it out!” Ryan yelled, as he dodged another Tail Whip.

“Actually, I don't really think it’d be a good idea.”, Light gave him a look of uncertainty… Until Akira throws the mop right above his head, piercing the wall,”Shutting up now.”

“Good boy. Now stay as I beat up my acquaintance.”, Akira turns and brushes himself down. He starts to simply punch Ryan,”So… MHow’s being a Pokemon going for you?”

“Why the hell do you care?” He glared at Akira, and pulling up his new trousers as they started to fall down slightly. “Damn things… I need some sort of belt.”

“Belt?”, Akira chuckles darkly as he darts forward and coils the tail around Ryan,”I’ll give you one. TIGHTEN!”

“THAT’S NOT EVEN A MOVE!”, Ryan complains as Akira suplexes him again.

“Don’t josh it!”, Akira ties his tail to make a tight loop, “But since you were complaining… TAIL WHIP!”

He continued to attempt to use use tail whip on Ryan around the area.

“Okay that move is just getting annoying now.” Ryan grabbed the tail, pulled Akira closer and socked him square in the face, causing him to fall on his back. “It doesn't even do actual damage.” He slammed his foot down on the Smeargle’s tail while still holding it. “But if you really want to make something out of this.” He grabbed the Smeargle by the shoulder and gave him a powerful Headbutt. “Then do it later! I don't have time for this crap! Ugh, We still need to find Lucky, the little Fletchinder’s still out there. Okay, headcount, who’s here? We have Light, Slash, Guardian, Venom, Venom’s egg and… Jun. Ugh, let’s just go."

“Wait, what?” Akira opened his eyes.

“You, shut up. I shouldn’t have come here. Let’s just go. We wouldn’t have fit in that damn house anyway.” He turned around and began to walk away, but he was stopped when he felt an arm tug “Let go.” Ryan glared at the Smeargle. “Your voice already makes me want to punch your sorry face inside out, and you’re really pushing it.”

“Who did you say?” Akira looked up at Ryan.

“None of your business, now let go!”

“Who. Did. You. Say?” Looking straight into the Smeargle’s eyes, his own widened.

“Son of a bitch.” Ryan grunted. “Of course you’d have to be here, wouldn't you? Of all the people to see when I’m lost and confused, here you are knocking at my door.”

“It’s actually my door.” Gilda interjected, and the Scrafty glared at her.

"Look, Jun’s right there.” He pointed at the Smeargle sitting atop Venom’s back. “Take her and go.” He turned around and walked towards the door.

“... Thanks”, Akira mutters,”But one last thing.”

“What?”, Ryan turns around.

“One last hit for the road, eh?”, Akira smiles before shooting a Flamethrower point blank.

“Come on Jun”, he says, smiling at the sporting afro Ryan has.,”Let’s go. I feel like I’m about to…”, Jun sighs as she catches Akira before he faceplants on the floor.

Waving her paw good bye, she nods apologizingly for Akira’s behavior.
“Where are you going!?”, Venom asks, cradling her egg,”Do you have a place to stay?”

Jun simply smiles.

Author's Note

Hey guys. Sorry for the wait and the short chapter. I have no excuse for this except that Philosophysics and I are working on the next one.

The search for the Tree

"Rangers still struggle to apprehend Pokephile." Light read as he levitated the newspaper in front of him.

"Tch, idiots." Ryan snorted. "And can you focus? We ARE trying to look for someone after all."

"That doesn't mean I can't get some reading done." The Malamar insisted.

"Whatever." Ryan rolled his eyes. "Those rangers couldn't catch a cold in flu season."

"True, but I simply find these stories interesting." He then brought out an older newspaper from his trainers rucksack. "Like this one about that thief no one's ever caught, plus I find it funny reading about how they seem to struggle with these individual trainers. I bet you that I could catch some of these people." He said proudly.

"If we cared enough, we could, but we're not Rangers and we'll never be." He then looked up. "Hey Lucky, come down!" He called out to the sky. A certain flying- type in the air heard this, and promptly flew down to the ground.

"Yeah?"

"You see him?"

"No." The Fletchinder shook his head. "But I did see this really awesome fight between a bunch of Zangoose and Seviper. Hey, can we check that out?"

"No Lucky, you know how Slash can get."

"Come on." Lucky whined. "We've been searching for two hours, can't we have a break and watch two rival species duke it out?"

"No, and that's final." Ryan said firmly. "But you're right, we have been searching for a long time, so we should get a break." A new thought then crossed his mind. "We should probably get Slash before she finds the feud."

Ryan downed a can of Red Bouffalant while all his other Pokemon are their Pokemon food, except Guardian who had no mouth and Lucky who was fiddling with his amulet coin.

"You're making too much noise Lucky, stop it." Slash ordered.

"You're not my mum." Lucky retorted.

"I know, and thank Arceus for that." She mumbled.

"So where do you think this Calem guy is?" Lucky asked. "Why here?"

"If I had to guess." Light butted in. "I would infer that he is here for the Battle Chateau so he can get stronger without having to travel too much."

"Wow, thanks Light!" Lucky said happily.

"Yeah, thanks." Slash rolled her eyes at the know- it- all.

"Let's just hurry, it shouldn't be too far. Break's over." Ryan shot up from his seat and returned all of his Pokemon except Light. Him and his partner ran through route 7 of the Kalos and rushed towards the Battle Château. Once they made it, they ran through to find Calem. He looked around, but couldn't seem to find him until he saw someone using the PC. Ryan smiled to Light and walked up to him as calmly as he could. He knew this was that Calem guy. How did he know? It was because many of the people in the room directed their attention to him. Ryan walked straight up to him and tried to get his attention. He seemed quite flustered, but Ryan didn't care. He had waited too long for this opportunity. He shook the guy's shoulder harder and he turned around.

He saw his face for a second, before the face of the man he was looking for was gone and replaced by a light. Soon, everything around him became replaced with a light which in turn got replaced by darkness and a voice.

“Rest now my children, for when you awake a whole new world shall be your home.”

(A few moments later)

ARGH! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE JUMPED OFF THAT BUILDING! WHY!? COME ON! KEYCHAIN! HEY! THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE! PLEASE HELP! BY ARCEUS’S NON-EXISTENT BEARD, THIS IS SCARY! I’D FIND THIS FUN IF I HAD A BLOODY PARACHUTE, BUT I DON’T! WHY!?”, a glasses-wearing, beagle-like creature with a naturally forming beret on top and a long thin paint brush like tail, a Smeargle, yells as he falls from heights previously unheard of for a Smeargle to be born at.

But seeing as how this Smeargle didn’t hatch from an egg and simply popped into existence, in a manner reminiscent of a certain bowl of petunias and a sperm whale in a different universe, this possibility is forgotten at the sheer impossibility of the previous statement. As to why this happened, simply know that a god got sick of the things that were going on with his creations and decided to hit what is the equivalent of Ctrl-Alt-Del combo on his program saving only the things he liked and dumping all the information on another programming platform and hoped for the best.

Somebody(pony) was going to get in trouble for this. Oh well. This is not that story. At least not yet. Or maybe never. You’ll never know.
He had begun falling from a height of thirty-five thousand feet. There was no air and he fought to breathe. Hypoxia kicked in and he fainted. He free fell for about a mile and at twenty-two thousand feet, where there is breathable air, he jerked awake.

…Only to scream bloody murder as he fell. His slightly suicidal tendencies will kick in after half a mile of freefalling. He would have calmed down faster had he not discovered a few things. But alas, this is where we join him.

“THIS IS BEYOND STUPID! WHY ISN’T ANYONE CATCHING ME!?” A flapping noise behind him, that by all rights should have been unnoticeable by the intense wind whipping behind him, causes him to flip around and sees the previously mentioned brush-like tail oozing clear paint. “WHY IN THE WORLD DO I HAVE A TAIL!?”

He begins rubbing it with his now brown paw and marvels at the smooth sensation,”It feels nice! Why does it feel nice? And why do I have paws!?” He muses on this by rubbing the tip against his face as he sits cross-legged mid-air and flips a few times. He ruminates on his sudden brown tail. He examines his hands or rather paws now more closely and says more calmly, “I have paws. I have a tail. I am primarily tan.”
He flips one more time before spreading his body into a freefall position with his tail flapping behind him paws out to catch air resistance. He slows down dramatically. He fixes his glasses quickly that are thankfully still on his nose and concludes,” I am now a Pokemon. Why do I sound calm? Great. Just great. I’m about to die and now I’m a Pokemon. What kind of Pokemon? I have no idea. I want to know what kind of Pokemon I am at least before I die!”

For you see, the Smeargle was not always a Smeargle, but a former human under the name Akira. He is now at an altitude of eighteen thousandfeet and still falling. Most of the newly spawned Pokemon in this new world spawned on the ground with a few Flying types spawning in the air and a few Water types in the water.

Akira is an anomaly. He had a pastime of jumping off of high places when he felt suicidal. His Pokemon would always catch him when he started screaming, though. It was a game they played. A game that is now only played by him. As to why he fell at a height where there is no oxygen, that was because he had just jumped off an insanely high mountain for giggles.

He is panicking now, falling back onto his coping mechanism, and severely regretting not thinking this through. Not necessarily in order, if there was even an order.

As to why he is still falling, it is important to know that there is a law of motion which is an object in motion will stay in motion unless a force says so otherwise, normally in a painful manner. Jumping dimensions doesn’t count as a force unfortunately.

“I am going to die! I am going to die. I am going to die. Wow. This is a helpful thought process. WHY DID I JUMP OFF THAT CLIFF!? Oh, right. I only had fifteen minutes left of oxygen in the tank… But why didn’t I just try and make some of my own? I had not one, BUT TWO FLYING TYPES! I could have flown down instead. But no! You had to jump. Wow, this is an absolutely helpful thought process! Can’t change anything, Akira. How about you figure out how to minimize the impact!? Akira! Your name literally means ‘Clear’ and ‘Brilliant’ in a dead language! You can do this!”

Talking to himself. It is surprisingly helpful.

He scans his surroundings.“I remember that you’re supposed to try and slow down your speed by hanging onto things falling with you, but there is no bloody things to grab onto! Not even a bloody pebble!” From his scans he has come up with three absolutely useful things.

One: He is falling.

Two: The sky is blue with spots of white clouds.

Three: The ground is green with vegetation with blue lakes that are getting uncomfortably closer with each passing second.
An altitude of fifteen thousand feet is when he screams in frustration and despair, ”WHY MUST THIS BE PAINFUL!?” His bellow actually slows him down before he returns to terminal velocity.

“This is going to be painful.” Akira aims for the highest tree. He plans to use the branches to break his fall. He then hears murmurs underneath him. He spins quickly and sees salvation.

A pack of purple, balloon-like pokemon with four arms at the side, Drifblim, also known as the Blimp Pokemon, are floating along underneath him. They are also struggling to get their bearings in this strange new land. Albeit without the added stress of almost falling to their doom.
“MWAHAHAHAHA! SCREW YOU, ARCEUS! SCREW YOU TOO, YVELTAL! NOT TODAY!” Akira laughs maniacally. He quickly changes the plan from painfully slowing himself down on a tree to grabbing ahold of one of the Drifloon.He streamlines his body into a spear like position, arms tucked to the side, feet together, and tail flapping in the air like the end part of a kite. His target is the group of Pokemon called Drifloon.
As he gets closer, he stretches out a three-pronged paw in the hopes of snagging a flap-like arm. He yells,“So sorry!” He succeeds in the endeavor to grab a flap and drags the Drifloon he grabbed down a couple of feet. He quickly wraps his feet around the flap and hug it with his arms. “Yes!” His speed is now that of the Drifloon.

Which is unfortunate seeing as the Drifloon, startled, activates its hidden ability, Flare Boost which is an ability to upgrade an attack in power, in panic. Flare Boost in daily life tends to activate when the Pokemon is surprised. Guess what our current protaganist did? Akira had his head right underneath the red hole where a Drifloon would release its gas to float.

“AGH! A SMEARGLE!”, the Drifloon panics in surprise.

Akira catches a whiff of methane and sighs,” This is not going to be good. It most likely is going to be painful.” The gas comes out in full and the Drifloon deflates quickly as all the gas is expelled as they shoot straight up into the air.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Akira loses his grip and is sent spinning off into the distance. The Drifloon quickly reinflates and rejoins the group.

“What happened?” a friend asks.

“I have no idea.”

Another Drifloon puts in his two bits and says, ”Maybe that Smeargle was born above us and was falling down and used to be human?”

A short pause.

“HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” the trio laugh, drifting in the wind. The other Drifloon look at them accusingly and they quickly quiet down.

They go back to their silent migration, but not before one of them says,”But seriously, what just happened?”

Shrugs.

That answer most likely will never be found.

At least not by them.

As for our current focus, all you need to know is that he stays up in the air for most of the day. Being attacked upwards happens surprisingly often in the sky.

Author's Note

I'd hoped to get an editor before publishing this but screw it, I've been sitting on this for long enough.