Hearts and Hooves: Silly Stories

by Spirit Shift

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy, Romance
Length: 3440

Just a bunch of tongue in cheek stories that make fun of our popular ships.

You know what month it is. You knew this was coming. Several short stories based around some of our most popular ships. Let's see how many I can write before the fourteenth.

Spirit Shift writes a romance story. Sucks to be you cuz I can't write one shot romances. So instead I made use of my inability to write romance and wrote a bunch of comedy skits instead.

Edited by me because I don't feel like bothering my real editors with small things.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-02 00:40:01 UTC

Lyra Bonstrings

Love? What is love? As a noun it means the intense feeling of deep affection. As a verb it means to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment. Love has many forms and can be felt in many different ways. Love can be felt between a mare and a stallion, a mare and a mare, a stallion and another stallion. It can be felt between parent and child, sibling to sibling. There even exists a special kind of love between very close friends.

Alright, you got all that? Got it memorized? Good. Now forget all about that because this is a Bon Bon story. Why, you ask? Why the hell not, I answer. Oh, you mean why Bon Bon and not Lyra? Well I know that Lyra is by far the more interesting, sexy, funny, worldly and established of the two. But, hey like I said. Why the hell not.

Though you never know, even a stony sarcastic plast like Bonnie might be able to find some love.

~~~

As the first rays of the morning sun graced Ponyville, every house in it’s path lit up with its illumination. They shone with a radiance that almost suggested that the homes themselves were waking from their own slumber. Unfortunately, one of the first homes to awaken belonged to one of the only ponies to utterly despise mornings.

“Stupid sickening shit rays of sunshine,” mumbled Bon Bon, rolling over under her covers. A feeble attempt to hide from the sun if their was any. “I need to get some thicker blinds.”

Finally accepting her fate, Bon Bon rose to greet the morning. Let’s get this day over with already, she thought bitterly. Like the loyal Solaire, Bon Bon rose to praise the sun in her own way; by complaining and moaning non-stop through her shower and down the stairs.

The sad part was that she didn’t even have anything to complain about. Nothing real anyway. The stupid shower that refused to give out comfortably temperatured water, the empty toothpaste tube that insisted upon hiding the last few squirts of its teeth whitening splooge. The cranky staircase that squeaked no matter where she stepped on it. All of these things were forced to taste the wrath of Bon Bon’s snake bite.

Finally reaching the bottom of the stairs, Bon Bon entered into one of the few locations that she didn’t curse out on a near regular basis, her candy shop. Sweetie Drop’s Bon Bon and Candy Emporium. Ok well she hated the name, but she never had time to change it legally. Luckily, the locals just referred to it as the candy shop.

Smiling her candy smile she turned on the lights, eager to ready her homemade delights. She organized the gum drops and twisted the twists. She prepped the machines and even stacked the salt licks. Keeping her pace she opened her displays, filling it with various sweet trays. And soon she was done with not a hair out of place. Easy! No problem, not a tired look on her face.

Yes, this was her home and this was her life. If mints were ponies she’d make them her wife. But not so lucky was she to find somepony who shared her desire. For her dream was to soon to create a candy empire. She would be queen! Queen of the sweets! But was this her whole life? Nothing but treats?

Looking outside her frown grew worse, when she saw everypony with their very favorite horse. Oh yes she remembered, this day the likes of. It was Hearts and Hooves Day, it was the day of love!

Her frown hit the ground and ground into to dust. “I can’t believe this,” she muttered. “I hate all of this lust! Yes lust, not love, that’s all this all is. I’ll just stay inside, away from this fizz.” Trotting behind her counter and leaning on her hoof she watched the door, and waited for her goof. Yes, grumpy was she, on love’s first day, and it wasn't because no stallion looked her way. Nope, not that, she wasn’t lonely she’d say, even though she’d secretly love a roll in the hay.

It didn’t take long for him to arrive, her lazy winged worker. Spirit Shift entered, the blue coat work shirker. “Sup!” he greeted. And “Sup!” he repeated.

Bon Bon’s brow raised confused, “Why say it twice,” her tone flat as ice.

Spirit shrugged. “Just keeping the rhyming thing going. It’s pretty hard to keep it all flowing.”

Both brows now raised she looked at him oddly, finally she said. “Well stop it,” quite broadly.

Stepping into the room, Spirit crossed into the back room with a shrug. “Fine, but you’ll give the readers rhyming whiplash.” Without another word, he stepped into the kitchen to start work. His job was to make and prep candy for the next day. Or rather, it was supposed to be his job. Bon Bon knew that odds are she would be the one to do it. “Oh well, I’ve got nothing else to do anyway,” she let out a small sigh.

Hearing the ringaling ding of her door, Bon Bon looked up to see a small pink filly literally skipping into the store, radiating happiness. “Oh what fresh hell is this?”

The pegasus filly giggled and skipped up to the counter. She had a bright pink coat and a soft violet mane with a small ribbon tied heart shaped present as a cutie mark. She opened her mouth to order something, but after taking a single look at Bon Bon, her smile fell and she adopted a look of deep concern. “Is something wrong?” she asked, her voice was strangely musical.

Normally, Bon Bon would answer with a slightly sarcastic remark, but she was feeling extra pissy today. But at least she still had enough peace of mind to not blow up at a filly. “It’s nothing, what do you want?”

The filly’s concerned look didn’t subside. “Are you sure, you look pretty upset.” She gasped. “Did your coltfriend dump you during Hearts and Hooves Day?” she whispered.

Bon Bon’s upset look didn’t subside. “I don’t have one,” she hissed.

The filly simply stared at her with the look of utter shock and horror, almost as if the act of being single was completely sinful to her. Bon Bon almost expected her to scream in terror.

The filly stomped the ground, and to Bon Bon’s surprise, it cracked the floor. “THIS SHALL NOT STAND!” Pink thunder flared through the room and the four winds of Equestria flared through the doors to Bon Bon’s shop. Bon Bon herself had to cover her face bring the blinding lights that flared from the filly’s forehead. By the time the light faded an angry looking alicorn stood where the filly was. “No mare should be without a loved one on Hearts and Hooves day!” she declared as Bon Bon looked on in shock. Princess Cadence herself hopped up on her counter and leaned down to look into the mares eyes. “By all the love in my heart I promise you, err--”

Spirit stuck his head out of the doorway with a nose full of white powder. “Bon Bon,” he answered. He immediately disappeared back into the kitchen.

"--Bon Bon, I will not rest until I find you love in Ponyville!” continued Cadance. Standing tall she thrust her hoof into the air. “This I swear!”

Bon Bon continued to stare in awe, though she wasn't looking at the alicorn in front of her, but rather at the two large cracks in her beautiful tiled floor. Turning her head up to Cadance, who was still swearing to the ceiling, she narrowed her eyes in silent anger. “You bitch...”

~~~

Back in her filly form, Cadence dragged a reluctant Bon Bon around Ponyville. She dashed from place to place, eagerly scouting out potential mates. At first Bon Bon refused to go with her, it with a single act of subtle persuasion, Bon Bon left Spirit in charge and followed the disguised Alicorn out into the town.

“Can’t you just magic some pony into loving me, oh great alicorn of love?” she drawled.

Cadance, called Ribbon Heart in her current form, quickly dove over to a random brown stallion and eyed him up and down. “No, sorry. I’m a pegasus right now.”

Bon Bon scoffed, “Didn’t stop you from transforming.”

Deciding that the stallion wasn’t worthy, Ribbon left him alone. “Well there’s also the fact that since this is the day of love. Any love magic that I cast will be horribly overpowered. So, unless you want a homicidally jealous stalker chasing you for the next 40 years, I’d go about this the normal way.” As an example she ran up to a large red colt with a yolk round his neck. “DO YOU WANT TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH THIS PONY!” she yelled, jabbing her hoof at Bon Bon.

Big Mac took one look at Bon Bon. “Nope!” Turning he instantly ran away in a frenzy.

“I’m guessing you haven’t done this in a while?” Bon Bon asked.

Nervously, Ribbon turned back to Bon Bon and shook her head. “I usually have love magic for this types of things,” she admitted shamefully.

Bon Bon gave her a pointed look before turning around. Ribbon quickly jumped in front of her to block her path. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home. I don’t even want a special somepony!” huffed Bon Bon.

“Well everyone wants a special somepony,” Ribbon argued.

“But nopony wants me. I’m a snarcastic jackass with a hot flank and a silver tongue. Seriously, who wants that?”

“Tsk Tsk Tsk,” Ribbon tisked, shaking her head. Thou know not thine own attributes young padamare. For I know,” a catchy tune began to play in the background, “I know you’re sweet and kind. You’re the best mare a colt could could hope for. A perfect stallion I will--”

“That song’s already been done,” Bon Bon interrupted.

The song screeched to a halt and Ribbon’s eyes shrank. “What?”

“Yeah, three fillies sang that about their teacher last year.” Bon Bon glanced up to the sky in thought. “Ended with Berry Punch’s house on the other side of Ponyville if I remember correctly,” she smirked.

“Oh.... is that right?” She stared at Bon Bon for a few more seconds. She opened her mouth to say something further, only to close it a few seconds later. Various tunes started and stopped every time she tried to open her mouth.

Bon Bon continued to smirk. “What’s wrong? Can’t come up with another stupid show tune?”

“This never happens to me I swear!” Ribbon blurted, face burning.

Bon Bon chuckled and walked ahead. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll give you one chance to find me a date.”

Ribbon’s frown somersaulted into a wide smile as she ran after her.

~~~

With a single “Wait here!” from Ribbon, Bon Bon sat herself in a secluded part of the Lonely Mare, a nice bar slash restaurant near the edge of town. In front of her was a nice mahogany table with candle lights that lit up the intentionally dim lighted area. A privacy barrier had been set up to hide the table from view of the other patrons.

Bon Bon supposed that the whole thing was meant to make everything more romantic. Ribbon said that she’d find somepony that would be a sure fire match for her. Sarcastically checking her non-existent watch, Bon Bon somehow knew that had been at least half an hour ago. “Well, I’m bored. I’m going home.” Bon Bon hopped out of her seat and walked towards the privacy barrier, “Hopefully, Spirit hasn’t drugged up my place too much,” she muttered. However, just as she reached to move past the barrier another pony moved it for her. This pony looked familiar in the fact that he was almost an exact replica of Bon Bon.

The two ponies stared at each other for a few seconds in surprise. “What the hay?” both exclaimed.

“Nice right?” Both mares looked down to see the princess disguised a filly smiling smugly at them. “Told you that I’d find you the perfect match.” Without another word, Ribbon left out of the room to let them get to know each other.

“A genderbent version of myself isn’t my exact match!” yelled both of them. Looking back at one another they frowned. They continued to yell at each other in unison. “Stop that! Shut up! Stop it!” Both of them narrowed their eyes at one another. “Big bootied baker bickers with brown beckoning bunches of bug-ugly beets! How do you even know that! Ugh!” They both facehoofed in unison before their eyes widened in realization. “My…” they began, slowly drawing out each word, “name… is Bon/ Bon Bon.”

Smiling in relief, they both tried to continue. “Anyway I… GODDAMN IT! Sweetie Drops!/ Sour Ball!”

Bon Bon and Bon quickly went silent. Bon Bon pointed to Bon with a frown and made a mouth zipping motion. Then she pointed to herself. I’ll go first, you stay quiet.

Bon frowned back at her and made a series of gestures in response. Why do you get to go first, I bet you started this!

Bon Bon reeled back in shock before returning with an even deeper frown. Gesturing in their own special language she replied. I didn’t start anything! That crazy princess dragged me out here just because she thought I needed a colt friend.

Bon’s glare softened at this new information. He made a series of knowing gestures. I know right! I don’t even want a mare friend.

The two candy makers looked at one another for a few seconds before asking the same question simultaneously. “You’re not gay are you?”

~~~

“That was a horrible experience,” grumbled Bon Bon as she strolled back into her candy shop.

Beside her sat an equally upset disguised princess. “I just don’t know how that went wrong. Rule 63 always works. How can you not love yourself?”

Bon Bon simply turned to her with a deadpan glare. She held that glare for a few more seconds before turning and hopping back behind her counter. “Spirit! Where are you?” she called.

Almost as if he teleported, Spirit Shift appeared next to her in a blue flash. “Right here, ma’am-sir-ma’am!”

Bon Bon slid a hoof down her face. “Spirit, we’ve been over this. Pick one, and stick with it. I don’t care what you call me; sir, or ma’am. But for the love of Celestia’s flank, don’t call me both!”

“Just trying to show you the utmost respect, Sweetie,” Spirit grinned.

Bon Bon’s scowl only deepened. She opened her mouth to reply but the words caught in her throat when she was unceremoniously yanked over the counter and onto the floor by her mane.

She was immediately brought face to face with a beaming filly. “Did you hear that?”

Bon Bon raised her eyebrow in confusion. “Hear what?”

“He called you Sweetie!” Ribbon squealed. “He’s totally crushing on you?”

Bon Bon glanced up at the blue stallion curiously examining some obscure, original, candies in the corner of the display case. “No way. He--”

“Don’t you see?” she interjected. “He’s the one! And he’s been right here all along. It’s so romantic!” Ribbon’s eyes were practically sparkling by this point.

“I’m trying to tell you that I’m not into him like that,” snapped Bon Bon. “He’s like my brother. My stupid, stupid brother. Plus, I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t like me like that either.”

Ribbon’s face fell slightly. “But--”

“Also,he has a marefriend already,” said Bon Bon, dropping the final bomb on the Princesses hopes.

Like she expected, the filly’s expression crashed into the ground. Her eyes darted around the shop sadly until finally coming back to the mare in front of her, bringing a hopeful smile back with it. “Any chance you still want to use a love spell?”

Bon Bon sighed and lifted herself off of the floor. Hopping over her counter she stood back in her favorite spot. “no thanks. I think I’m good. Like I said, who needs a special somepony. I’m completely fine on my own.”

At that very moment, the doors to Bon Bon’s shop slammed open. Heavenly light streamed through, completely silhouetting the mare that entered. All eyes on her, the mare trotted into view. She had a stunningly unique coat and mane color and her eyes were large pools of gold that Bon Bon immediately found herself lost in. The lyre on her flank swayed invitingly she trotted up to the counter. Her gait held all the class of a Canterlot runway model, while still managing to seem like the kind of mare who loved her sweets.

Bon Bon quickly caught her wandering gaze before it lingered for too long. Her face felt hot and she desperately wanted to fan herself. But she knew that might send the wrong image. “H0h-how can I help you!” she blurted. Why am I so flustered! This mare isn’t that hot with her shiny mint coat, golden eyes… sexy flank and heart melting smile… Dammit she is hot!

Sending Bon Bon a heart staggeringly half lidded gaze, the mare opened her mouth to reply. However instead of answering, the mare hopped up on top of the table and lifted the owner up with her. Bon Bon once again found herself nearly muzzle to muzzle with another pony. Though this time she was close to completely overheating. The mare once again began her reply, her very breath caused Bon Bon’s heart to flutter. “I’m looking for some… bonbons,” she said. Her voice was low, smooth, and seductive.

Somewhere in the background Spirit fainted, his feeble male mind collapsing from the sheer amount of sexiness flowing from the mare. Luckily, Bon Bon was able to withstand it long enough for the mare to continue.

Leaning in close to Bon Bon’s ear, the mare finished. “Know any good ones that I can eat?”

Bon Bon, finally reaching her limit, pushed the mare away and looked at her with frantic needy eyes. “Take me you gorgeous mare you!” Falling behind the counter both mares quickly began a series of long day of hot sweaty--

“LYRA!”

~~~

Lyra groaned and turned to her mare friend. “Bonnie, I’m trying to tell a story here!” She pointed to the two mares in front of her. Vinyl and Octavia, sitting comfortably on Lyra’s couch and recliner, shared a relieved glance at the interruption of the mint unicorn’s rapidly devolving story.

Bon Bon, standing by the entrance to the kitchen of her store, glared down at Lyra. “You mean that completely made up story of how the princess herself failed to find me love?! You know I hate that story.”

“But it’s so much better than the story of how we actually met,” joked Lyra.

“Um,” began Octavia, “we only asked where you got that painting on the wall over there.” She pointed to a rather interesting painting of Lyra wearing a black hoodie with Nightmare Moon in the background.

Lyra waved it off. “Meh, this one is better than that one too.”

Bon Bon sighed and trotted over to her friends. “You guys wanna know the real story of how we met?” she smirked.

Lyra threw her arm out in a futile effort to stop her. “Bonnie no!”

“Sure,” Vinyl shrugged. Octavia simply nodded.

Bon Bon cleared her throat. “Basically I was running my candy shop one Hearts and Hooves Day by myself while Spirit was out with his date. Now, since I had nothing to do except stare at the front door, I clearly noticed this mare here,” she pointed back at a pouting Lyra, “when she continuously popped her head up in the corners of the windows. Finally, she ponied up enough to come inside, with flowers of all things, and asked me out.“ Bon Bon burst out laughing. “You should’ve seen how nervous she was. She was shaking so much that the petals were falling!”

Lyra, to her credit, only blushed a little from the embarrassment. “I wasn’t that nervous…” she muttered.

Vinyl also burst out laughing, but a quick jab from her own marefriend shut her up tight. “I think it’s romantic. I just can’t imagine Lyra to be so hesitant. I always that that she would simply strut up and ask to court you.”

Bon Bon smiled and reached over to pull the embarrassed unicorn into a hug. “Well you know… So tell me again, exactly what happened to your house?”