It was the day November 22, 1984. Rarity was in her shop, casually making dresses just to pass time. Ever since the Big Pony Act was passed during New Year’s Day, business has been getting smaller and smaller; and a portion of that act required all ponies to wear tacky beige overalls during their work day (though Applejack probably didn’t mind, seeing that she’s a basic bitch). Though ponies could wear other clothes outside of their work schedule, most of them decided to just deal with it since they were already wearing them.
Why do ponies have be so fucking basic now, Rarity thought. The color pattern on those things is simply horrendous.
“There, done.” Rarity looked at the new dress she completed mending. The material was ivory white satin and had purple dots scattered around it. Not too extravagant, yet not too bland. Oh if only somepony would wear it.
She took the dress over to one of the mannequins. The mannequin’s face was devoid of specific detail, but it had a lean shape to it that Rarity found somewhat appealing. The figurine was standing in front of a large telescreen that took up the entire wall, and was watching her every move. She was careful not to let her forced smile slip—one ounce of exposed misery and the Equestrian Guard would be all over her like white on rice.
She put on the dress that she made on the mannequin. When she was finished she stepped back and tried to imagine her clothes on different ponies. On Pinkie Pie, it would emphasize her bubbly spirit. On Twilight, it would complement her purple ass. It would just look plain silly on Rainbow Dash. But any pony would do. Any pony over some lifeless mannequin.
Rarity turned around back to her work station. Different blueprints and fabrics were stacked neatly on the table. Two gigantic posters were plastered on the wall behind her work desk. On the left was a poster of Princess Celestia glaring fiercely down at Rarity with dagger-like eyes. Her menacing stare followed Rarity wherever she went. Even if she closed her eyes, Rarity still felt the fire that came from the Princess’ gaze. Under it, the words ‘OBEY BIG SISTER’ beamed like the cutie mark on her celestial sunbutt. It was super spooky. The poster next to it outlined the primary rules New Equestria was expected to follow:
- Thou shant be miserable
- Thou shant treat citizens like shit.
- Thou shant reject hoofjobs for your Majesty whenever I request them.
- Thou shant read from informational sources not approved by the government.
- Thou shant leave Equestria
- Thou shant shant unless such shants shant disobey the law you shant be disobeying anyhow.
- Thou shant obey other gods other than Celestia.
Rarity tried not to frown. She looked out the window, observing the ponies of New Equestria going on with their daily routine. It was like watching an ant colony. Beige overalls and bland expressions painted their bodies. There was life in them, but to Rarity it wasn’t life she thought was so beautiful pre-Pony Act. No—rather, it was an illusion of once was, now replaced by something more robotic.
What has Equestria become?
Rarity could still remember how such a dreary, yet subtly frightening civilization came into being, as if the memory was a Polaroid photograph stickied into her brain. She was there.
She wished she wasn’t…
FLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHHHHHHHHHBAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKK (spooky ghost noise):
Princess Cadence, Princess Celestia, and Rarity are at the thrift store trying out clothes.
RARITY: Why are we at the thrift store? These clothes are just horrid!
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Come now Rarity, these clothes aren’t so bad. Besides with the economy and all, it’s time we saved on fashionable accessories.
(PRINCESS CELESTIA twirls).
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Cadence, tell me. How do you like these jeans on me? Do they fit well?
PRINCESS CADENCE: Nigga yo pants so tight I can see your clitoris do the dougie. Goddamn you need to lose some weight.
(PRINCESS CELESTIA does a karate chop and knocks out PRINCESS CADENCE)
PRINCESS CELESTIA (eyes glowing a fiery red): THOU SHANT SPEAK SUCH BULLSHIT! EQUESTRIA IS NOW A TOTALITARIAN REGIME!!!!!!
BAAAAAAAAAACK TOOOOOOOOO PREEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEENT (slightly less spooky ghost noise)
That was some supreme bullshit, Rarity thought.
Rarity went downstairs and in kitchen. She reached in the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of soma—
(Oops, wrong story)
…grabbed a bottle of Victory Gin and sat down at the table. Not even caring enough to grab a glass, Rarity just jugged the entire thing straight from the bottle in hopes it would clear her thoughts. Outside, the mailmare just dropped off the delivery for the day.
“Let me guess,” Rarity shouted drunkenly. “Just more bills!”
The telescreen on the ceiling whined and hissed with static. “ART THOU MAD RARITY?”
Rarity’s heart froze. “No your Majest—*hic*—Majesty. I was just thanking you for—*hic*—allowing me to give you all my monies.”
“Good,” the telescreen replied. “Praise the Sun.”
“Praise the Sun,” Rarity answered back. She put her hoof up in a Hitler-esque salute.
The telescreen died down.
Rarity stood up and went outside, stumbling as she walked to the mailbox. She grabbed the mail and head back inside. She laid out all the mail on the table:
Bills
Mo’ Bills
How to Politely Tell Baby Dragons You Don’t Want the Dick Magazine: Edition 400
Bills
Eviction Notice
College ads
Country Whore Magazine: Edition 6
Get-a-Job-Now-You-Bum Pamphlet
Rarity ruffled through the pamphlet uninterestedly.
If something’s available, I’ll take it. I don’t think my fashion business is going to take off anytime soon. Let’s see…carpentry…plumbing…security guard...ugghh, these aren’t jobs for any proper lady. What am I going to do?
Just as she was about to surrender hope, Rarity flipped the pamphlet over and saw an advertisement that had all the extravagance of a fireworks display.
“What’s this? Join Celestia’s *hic* Observers. Ever wondered what *hic* it’s like to spy on people 24/7 through a camera? Now you can *hic* find out. No experience required. Minimum entry salary 40 bits/hour. Start RIGHT AWAY! Sweet *hic* Celestia, this is it! I can finally pay off my debts!”
She fell on the floor giggling.
“Life just got 20% cooler.”
-
One Day Later
After waiting in a long line for an hour, Rarity finally managed to get inside the castle’s titanic lobby. There was anxiety and commotion bouncing around the lobby—Rarity could barely hear herself think. Despite the seemingly easy-to-get connotation the advertisement gave the job, a myriad of ponies were turned away, making her all the more nervous.
A white pony with an emerald mane and a four-leaf clover for a cutie mark descended upon the castle’s creamy stairs. “Alright,” the pony shouted. “I need four more ponies to come with me!”
Instantly, there was a tsunami of Technicolor ponies rushing towards him. Rarity shoved and maneuvered her way in front of the crowd, and with the power of Satan magic she conjured up a nail file sharp enough to pierce Princess Luna’s achy breaky heart. She put it up to the pony’s neck.
“Stay back,” Rarity screamed. “ALL OF YOU! Stay back or the faggot gets it.”
The hoard reluctantly stepped back. As Rarity was backing away from the crowd, her back bumped into a body.
“Who the hell do you think you—”
Rarity turned around and was surprised by who she saw.
“Princess Cadence?”
“What’s guuuuuuud nigga?? Gimme some of that dap!”
They did their secret hoofshake.
“What are you doing here,” Rarity asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be ruling over that kingdom that the author totally didn’t forget the name of?”
“Well here’s what happenin’ playa. After I called out Celestia on her waistline, she couldn’t handle it. I was just keepin’ it real. You remember right?”
Rarity groaned. “How could I forget?”
“Anyway, after that lil’ debacle, she demoted my ass down to one of her observers. I was like ‘Oh hell naw, you ain’t gonna do me like dat. But seeing that she’s a god that can raise the sun and the only useful thing I can do is babysit, I just took the L.”
“So now you’re here?”
“Mmhmm bitch you know it. Oh lemme guess, you came here for a job?”
“Well yes darling. You see, the fashion industry is kind of on the decline right now, so I need a job to pay off some bills.”
“Deese basic bitches ain’t buyin’ yo clothes?”
“Not as many, no.”
“Damn, niggas so fuckin basic now.”
“I know.”
“Well nigga you came to the right place. Imma hook you up so quick you gonna have to call me pimp daddy by the end of the day.”
Rarity’s eyes lit up. “You’d do that for me?”
“Rarity, you my gurl. I’d do anything for a loyal ho like you.” Princess Cadence turned to the audience of ponies. “Everypony, fuck off! Yo ass ain’t gettin’ a job.”
A wave of upheaval emitted from the ponies.
“Let’s get out of here before they riot,” Cadence said.
They left and entered the corridor to their left, leaving the task of calming the angry ponies up to the poor white pony.
The corridor experience massive changes compared to the last time Rarity was here. Instead of banners of the Equestrian symbols, images of Celestia’s face were draping from the ceiling. The giant Tiffany windows displaying Equstria’s history were broken; not even an attempt was made to replace them. The walls and floors were grey instead of the brilliant motley of hues Rarity loved them for. This made her inner fashionista swoon with utter dread and contempt. It was just…
So…
Fucking…
Basic…
“What in all of Equestria happened to this place,” Rarity gasped.
Cadence rolled her eyes in retrospective thought. “Celestia done went all Naomi Campbell up in this bitch—”
“Who’s Naomi Campbell?”
“—it just came out of nowhere. I mean one minute she chillin’, the next minute she pissin’ in her bed. I swear dis’ bitch done went cray cray—”
“Fine ignore my question then…”
“—I mean how you gonna trash ya own palace my nigga? You just don’t do that to ya own shit.”
“Excuse me Cadence…”
“BITCH DON’T YOU SEE ME TALKIN’?”
“…”
“Nah I’m just playin’. What do you want?”
Rarity cleared her throat. “Out of curiosity, who’s ruling over your kingdom now that you’re no longer a princess? I know there’s Shining Armor, but let’s face it, all the stallion knows how to do is smoke weed and surf gnarly waves.”
“Yeah, now that you mention it that nigga is pretty useless. I only married him because he give me the dick whenever I ask for the dick. You know he’s the only stallion in Equestria that can stick his penis in his own asshole.”
Rarity winced. “How…charming...”
“Yeah, I’m a lucky woman.”
Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire (I JUST FUCKING REMEMBERED!!! Oh my god I’m such a retard…)
A gargantuan army of ponies are marching and cheering. Engines of war, both high and low decorate the sparkling streets like maggots on a dear carcass.
“Sieg heil mein Fuhrer!” The crowd screams with tears of joy flooding the streets. Their words effortlessly drown out fighter jets flying not even 300 feet above them. Their messiah sits on a throne above them, observing his subjects.
“Yeeeesss,” the Fuhrer hisses.
“SIEG HEIL!”
“YEEEESSSSSSS!!” He was a god. No, he was better than a god. He was omnipotence incarnate. No longer will others look down upon him. He savored the abstract, yet somewhat illogical thought. “BOW BEFORE ME SUBJECTS!! BOW BEFORE MY GREATNESS!!!!!”
“SIEG HEIL MEIN FUHRER!!!!”
He licked his gums with such menacing bliss. He blinked his left eye, then his right eye, then his left eye…”
Louder than ever before, the ponies screamed:
“SIEG HEIL GUMMY!!!!!!! SIEG HEIL!!!!!!!!”
…then his right eye, then his left eye…
-
Rarity and Princess Cadence reached a room that was the size of a football arena, and it had the typical office set-up. Cubicles with walls as high as houses lined up neatly like an army of ants, while the perfumes of coffee and gossip danced in the air. The enormous swell of diversity each pony possessed was aesthetically minimized by the uniformity presented in both their clothes and their emotionless facades.
“Welp, this is where you’re gonna be working from now on,” Princess Cadence said. “To be honest, I think Celestia could’ve made this a better work environment. A gumball machine by the copier, a DJ by the water cooler, a couple of hoes wouldn’t hurt either…”
As Princess Cadence was going on with her list, something occurred to Rarity.
“Cadence—”
“BITCH, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING ME?!”
Rarity sighed. “Sorry Cadence darling, but weren’t you just criticizing the princess?”
“Yeah. And…?”
“When ponies usually do that they’re threatened with execution. But you don’t seem too worried at all. In fact, I haven’t heard Princess Celestia since she yelled at me for complaining about my bills.”
Cadence laughed a hearty laugh. “Ain’t it great? We can talk shit about the princess and she can’t do a damn thing!”
“But why?”
“There aren’t any telescreens in the castle. She doesn’t like being watched all the time.”
That makes the both of us. “But what about the guards, aren’t they on alert?”
“Not really. They only here for two things: A paycheck and some poontang.”
A short, stout white Pegasus with glasses hurried his way towards Rarity and Cadence. He dodged and bumped past everyone he could, but his lack of agility caused him to knock into a grey Pegasus with derp eyes carrying three boxes on top of her head. They collided in spectacular fashion—papers and boxes flew in the air like confetti. Before the derp eyed Pegasus had a chance to tear him a new asshole, he fled the scene and met up with Cadence and Rarity, whom were still awestruck by how much a ridiculous fuck-up he was.
The white Pegasus cleared his throat. “I’m at your service. The n-n-name’s Mr. Whi— ”
“I’m sorry,” Rarity interrupted. “But who are you?”
“I’m M-M-Mr. Whi—”
“Hey, what the fuck’s yo name cracker?! I don’t wanna have to cut a bitch!”
The Pegasus’ eyes widened in terror. “P-please don’t c-c-cut me. My name is Mr.—”
“You know what I don’t have time for this,” Rarity said. “What exactly is your purpose new pony?”
“I’m here t-to show you your new cu-cubicle and to even out th-th-the racism in this story.”
“How did you know I was going to get the job?”
“Because I c-c-can predict the future.”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well that interesting and all but all I need from you is to me where I’ll be working from now on. I don’t need another pony to even out the racism in any story—that’s what I have Applejack for.” Her eyelids fluttered. “She’s my bae.”
Princess Cadence raised an eyebrow. “Applejack yo bae? Aw snap Rarity I didn’t know you was a lesbians.”
Sweet Celestia, did I say that out loud?!
Rarity forced a chuckle. “Did I say bae? I meant to say that’s Applejack’s my home…skillet.”
“Homeskillet?”
“Yeah. She’s…just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Cadence gave an unconvinced "mmm hmmm."
Rarity sighed. “Listen, I just want to get to my desk. This has gone on for way too long.”
The white Pegasus gallantly raised his hoof to the sky. “Right this way ladies.”
He led Cadence and Rarity off to her new workspace. As they walked through the tight crowd, they would routinely get separated, and the group would have to backtrack just to regroup.
As they were walking, Cadence whispered something into Rarity’s ear: “You ever thought about having a threesome with Rainbow Dash and Applejack?”
That would be absolutely beautiful.
“That would be absolutely disgusting,” Rarity responded.
The white Pegasus halted. “Here we are!”
The cubicle—like all the others—seemed to pierce the heavens. A tinted glass door stood between them and the interior of the office.
“Well, I’m off R-Rarity,” the Pegasus said. “However, I’ll be your new assistant and if you n-need me, give me a c-c-c-c-c-c-c-call.”
“Imma have to go to,” Cadence said. “I gotta file some TPS reports. But hey, we’ll hang out later. I hear there’s a new restaurant opening up round here.”
“Sounds lovely,” Rarity responded. “Bye-bye.”
They both went opposite directions while waving goodbye to Rarity.
Rarity went inside her cubicle. It was much bigger than what it had seemed from the outside—if such a thing was even possible; but oddly enough the setting would be a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare. The only source of light was the blinding radiance bouncing off of the monitors that flooded the place. The air smelled and tasted of copper—not like blood but not unlike degrading machinery. Every monitor showed Ponyville through the perspective of every single telescreen. Every bedroom, every bathroom—Rarity even saw her own dining room. Every place but the castle was shown to her in such explicit detail.
“Well, let’s just get this over with.”
Rarity sighed. It was going to be a long day.
END OF PART I
Author's Note
I hope I entertained your eyeholes
