Flash Letters

by Pickleless

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Sex, Flash Sentry, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 2477

Twilight Sparkle and the ponies of Ponyville sends Flash Sentry some really messed up letters.

Twilight Sparkle has a lot on her chest that she wants to get off. She knows about the time old practice of pretending to write a letter to the pony bothering you and not sending it, but that's not enough. Frustrated, she invents a system where her letter gets sent to a creature from another dimension. She feels gratification from actually sending something and there's no way some creature from another universe could know her language. As it turns out, the other mares have complaints too, and Twilight is more than happy to help her friends!

Flash Sentry is a normal high school student who somehow keeps getting magic letters full of some REALLY messed up stuff...

Published 2015-02-05 05:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-23 00:06:26 UTC

Pinkie Pie

"So I was taking a good look at myself in the mirror the other day, and I realized something. I'm sapient and I have opposable thumbs. My spirit animal is probably a human." Flash joked.

"Dude, what?" Brawly Beats laughed.

"I mean, it is the animal I'm most like... That's strange, I feel kinda itchy all the sud-"

Flash was interrupted by a flame shooting a scroll into his face. Him and his band watched as the scroll quietly dropped onto the ground.

"...Dude, did a magical green flame just shoot a scroll into your face?" Ringo stared at the scroll in shock.

"This is a sign! Your spirit animal is like, a wizard dude!" Beats exclaimed.

Flash's eye twitched as he picked up and opened the scroll with a feeling of dread.

Dear Stranger Friend!

The following is the list of things I goofed up on that I feel ponies shouldn't have gotten so mad about.

How was I supposed to know you don't give a chicken pop rocks?!? I mean, I'm sorry Fluttershy, but I didn't know it would make them explode! On that note, how was I supposed to know you don't give a pony soda?!? I can drink soda just fine, I didn't know it would put a normal pony in the hospital! How was I supposed to know you're not allowed to taste your best friends?!? If the maker didn't want me to constantly lick Rarity, she shouldn't have made her taste like marshmallows! How was I supposed to know Twilight is mentally unstable?!? I didn't know she wasn't allowed around sharp objects! If she's so crazy, why did the Princess make her an alicorn?!? I still haven't gotten my cooking knife back! How was I supposed to know Rainbow Dash is diabetic?!? She constantly eating my cupcakes! How am I supposed to know Applejack's parents were dead? I was shunned by everypony all day over one little "Your Mom" joke!

How am I supposed to know ponies need to breathe? I don't, I just do it for fun! Besides, five minutes without oxygen doesn't sound too painful! How am supposed to know that ponies can't bend and stretch like I can? I just thought ponies said "Don't try this at home kids!" for fun! How was I supposed to know you're not allowed to meet your opposite on the other side of the mirror? I didn't think she would explode! Now I have to pretend to be two different Pinkies or else everypony will complain that I exploded somepony or an animal, again!

Super Duper Sincerely,

Pinkie Pie!

"Hiya Flash, Hiya Brawly, Hiya Ringo!" Pinkie said, skipping merrily by.

Pinkie stopped, and looked at Flash with concern. "Hey Flash, you might want to lock your window tonight. Also, don't walk home alone. Well, see ya!"

Flash's quietly watched the pink one leave, and then stared at his note.

"Dude, I hope my spirit animal isn't a wizard." Brawly whispered.

Applejack

Flash Sentry was walking through the hallways when he felt a familiar itch on his back. Sighing, he waited for the letter to appear. Sure enough, a magical green flame shot out a scroll rudely into his face like usual. Wanting to get it over with, he reluctantly opened the scroll.

Howdy Stranger.

I'm tired of everypony saying I'm secretly bucking my brother Big Mac. I never have, and never will have the urge to take my brother for a ride! I mean, it's not even the incestuous implications that get me, it's just that everypony has it wrong. I want to correct them but then I'd look like a freak. I can't help it if Apple Bloom is growing up to be a fine looking mar-

"I'm done." Flash Sentry threw the scroll behind him as he continued on his way to class.

Applebloom flinched as some sorta scrap of paper hit her face.

"Hey, Don't throw yer trash on me!" She complained as she pulled away the offending paper.

Seeing whoever threw it was long gone, she huffed and looked down at the strange note.

Apple Bloom's face scrunched in confusion, and then went pale with horror.

"Apple Bloom, better hurry along tah class!" Applejack said, passing by her sister. "You alright sugarcube? You look like yeh seen ah ghost! ...Apple Bloom, why are yeh backing away from me like that?"

Fluttershy

Flash and Derpy were playing Um Jammer Lammy when Flash got his familiar itchy feeling. Watching the scroll gently bop him between the eyes, he unrolled it.

Dear Stranger,

I wish I was a tree.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy.

"Huh." Flash shrugged, and went back to playing his game.

Rainbow Dash

"So why do you hang out with Derpy all the time dude?" Brawly said.

"What are you talking about bro?" Flash questioned.

"I mean, you know what's wrong with her right?"

"What? No, Derpy's awesome man, lay off!" Flash huffed.

"Dude, she's has a-"

"Hold on," Flash held up a hand. "My wizard powers are activating."

A fire zoomed up towards Flash and shot out a scroll in his face. Clearing his throat, Flash unrolled the scroll and started reading out loud.

Dear Stranger,

I am actually an orphan. This is a secret I've been keeping from all my friends. Whenever I see Applejack or Rarity hanging out with their siblings I can't help but feel terrible. I was secretly so happy to have Scootaloo ask me to be her honorary big sister. It's the little awesome things in life that pull you through.

"Huh, well this is sad but it's not like she's crazy or anything." Beats noted.

Is it bad that I'm killing all my friend's parents out of jealousy?

"Woah- woah- woah- what?!?"

The accident that killed Applejack's parents wasn't an accident. It's awesome how easy you can get your hooves on soda. Fluttershy doesn't talk about her parents for a reason. Let's just say my third sonic rainboom was more like a sonic raindoom. I hope Pinkie isn't planning on visiting her rock farm anytime soon, because-

"Hey Flash!" Rainbow called out. "I know we don't talk often, but do you wanna hang out sometime? I heard you like-"

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Flash yelled. "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COME WITHIN TEN FEET OF ME, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!? NO, JUST NO!"

"What's wrong?!? I-"

"NO! OKAY?!? NO! I WILL GET A RESTRAINING ORDER IF I HAVE TO! STAY AWAY!" Flash Sentry slowly backed out of the room. "FAR, FAR AWAY!"

Flash Sentry II

Congratulating himself a job well done, Flash frowned when he felt a familiar itch.

Dear human counterpart,

This world is crazy and Twilight scares me, I'm heading over to your world.

Sincerely,

Flash Sentry.

"Oh." Flash looked over at the now broken mirror. "Whoops."

Sunset Shimmer

Flash Sentry watched as Sunset Shimmer prepared to go through the mirror.

"Uh oh." He whispered.

"The portal isn't working!" Sunset cried in fear, trying to go through it. "WHY ISN'T THE PORTAL WORKING?!?"

"Uhhh, about that..." Flash massaged his temples.

"It must have had something to do with that necklace Twilight had!" Sunset growled.

"What?" Flash blinked. "I mean yeah, sure!"

"I need to warn the girls, see ya Flash!" Sunset called out as she ran off.

Flash quietly watched her run up the stairs into the school building.

"Aaaaaand not my problem." Flash whistled as slowly followed her into the school. "Wonder what Derpy's up to?.."

Twilight Sparkle

"Flash, dinner's ready!" Flash's mother called out from downstairs.

"Okay, be down in a second!" Flash yelled as he worked on his math homework.

Finishing the question he was working on, he rose from his table and stretched. Unable to resist the urge, Flash broke into a loud yawn.

"HuuuuuuaaaaaaaAAAAHGLBLBLBL-"

He coughed up an offending parchment that was shot into his mouth. Confused, he looked around for who could've shoved a scroll in his mouth. Seeing he was alone in his room, Flash hesitantly unrolled the scroll.

Dear Stranger,

It's not wrong that I stalk Flash Sentry right? He loves me, I know he does. Everyday I sneak through the mirror and watch him through his window. It's important that I do. If I don't, those other whores might hurt him. It's cute, the little games we play, how he pretends to ignore me. He loves me, I know he does. Lately that bitch Sunset Shimmer has been getting close to him again. It's obvious he's taken, she should know by now. That little whore didn't learn her lesson the last two times I was there. He's mine, I love him, and he loves me, I know he does.

It's cute, the way he pretends to not be so good at math, working hard on it. He's just trying to get a rise out of me, tempt me into entering his room and explain physics while I stroke his hair, holding him close. But I'm a good girl, and he's a good boy. We're taking it slow, like a real couple, only watching for now. More will come later. He loves me, I know he does.

It's almost heart and hooves day. I'm thinking of making a move then. I know we're taking it slow but how could I resist. I love him so much, and he's such a tease. Pretending to not notice me, he loves me, I know he does. I spend days worrying some other girl might make a move on him, it drives me nuts. It brings tears to my eyes to know I can't use magic here, but that's okay.

That's what the knife is for.

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle.

"MOOOOOOOOM!?!" Flash yelled in panic.

"WE'RE INVESTING IN BETTER HOME SECURITY!!!"

Derpy Hooves

"Aw man, seriously?"

Flash groaned as the vending machine ate his last dollar and didn't spit out his chips. He sighed as he realized he wasn't getting anything for lunch today.

Other than a scroll apparently, as he felt a familiar itch.

Scowling, he waited for the fire to shoot the offensive piece of paper in his face. This time though, something a little more solid followed it. Flash recoiled as he was whacked in the face by a muffin.

Confused, Flash unrolled the scroll.

Hi Mr. Stranger!

I heard how ponies kept sending you their problems and that made me sad thinking about how sad you must be. So you can have one of my muffins to cheer you up!

Derpy!

Flash quietly lifted the muffin and took a bite out of it. Slowly, a single tear leaked out of his right eye.

It was the most delicious muffin he's ever had.

Looking around, Flash saw Derpy sitting alone at a table. She looked sad, lonely, and really hungry. Flash walked over to her.

"Here," he said, putting his muffin on her empty tray.

"MUFFIN!" Derpy said, practically inhaling the delicious treat. Licking her lips, she turned and smiled at Flash. "Thanks!"

"No problem!" Flash smiled, sitting down next to her. "Hey, I'm Flash!" He introduced himself.

"You wanna hang out after school and play some videogames?.."

Rarity

Flash was meditating in his room. It was something he recently started after looking up ways to reduce stress. He was determined to regain the simple lifestyle he had before, or at least, to some degree. Already he felt a little bet-

And with the itchy sensation, his good mood was gone.

Flash headbutted the scroll that got shot into his face. Growling at the paper rolling away from him, he closed his eyes and went back to meditating.

Don't read it.

Don't read it.

You KNOW what's inside that scroll, don't read it.

Don't read it.

Flash got up from his bed and picked up the scroll. With a sigh, he unrolled the offensive piece of parchment.

Dear Stranger,

I must confess, I have been living a lie. All the ponies believe I am the most fabulous mare in all of Ponyville. Who could blame them? It is true, I AM beautiful! But, it is all a lie! A terrible, horrible LIE! I, Rarity, am not the most fabulous, beautiful mare in Ponyville... I am the most fabulous, beautiful, lady like STALLION in all of Ponyville! Oh maker, how can you be so cruel? Why couldn't have I been born the gender I truly should have been? I am a mare at heart! How will I ever find my Prince Charming like this? Still, I know that one day I will find the stallion who will appreciate me for what is inside, and not for what fate has cruelly given me on the outside!

Sincerely~

Rarity.

"Flash," Flash's Mom called out. "You have a visitor!"

Heading out of his room and down the stairs, Flash saw Rarity standing at the doorway.

"Hello Dah~ling..." Rarity nervously smiled. "As you know, the Fall Formal is coming up, and I was wondering if you wou-"

"No." Flash closed the front door.

Flash Sentry

"Heya Flash!" Derpy called out, holding two beverages. "You want a soda?"

Flash stared at the soda for a second. "...No thanks Derpy, I think I've given up on drinking soda."

"Okay!" Derpy blissfully drank both sodas at the same time.

Feeling the itchy sensation he's grown to hate, Flash rolled eyes as a scroll hit him in the face. Sighing, he picked it up and figured he might as well get it over with. Curiously enough, the scroll had another paper and a match stored in it.

Dear Strange Thing,

Curious what letter have been say to you? This is auto translate system on scroll. If you burn paper, it will send back. Favorable inscribe symbol on rear end of scroll for readings.

Sincerity,

Toilet Sprinkle.

Pulling out a pen, Flash Sentry started scribbling down a message on the paper, and then burnt it with the match.

"What was that?" Derpy asked.

"Nothing important." Flash smiled. "Let's go get some ice-cream, my treat."

"ICE-CREEEAAAM!" Derpy cheered.

With glee, Twilight watched as her letter was sent back. Clapping her hooves in excitement, Twilight unrolled the scroll and started to read it.

Dear Idiots,

I can read English.

Yeah.

You need better friends Twilight.

Also, I think we need to start seeing other people.

I'm breaking the mirror.

Sincerely,

Flash Sentry.

Twilight's eye twitched.