I was lying on the ground, with my hands bound, and mouth gagged. My ears were ringing from the explosions blasting all over the palace. All this destruction coming from a trio of pint sized super-villains.
The Royal Guards were the first to fall. They were the easiest targets that day. They had all gathered on the parade grounds in preparation for the day’s patrol. A flash of light, and they were gone.
The siege of the castle commenced thereafter.
I looked around me, and was shocked by what I saw. This can't be good.
A few feet to my left, lay an unconscious Princess Celestia. Their battle supposed to be a one sided fight, the only problem was that it was Sweetie Belle, her magic enhanced by Applebloom's potions, who dominated, and single hoofedly brought down the Princess. A well placed shot between the eyes, and the princess instantly collapsed.
Several yards in front of me, lay Princess Luna. Awake, but with a dazed look in her eyes. Probably exhausted, and bleeding out from multiple scything hits she suffered from Scotaloo and Applebloom's bone crunching kicks. Her armor was broken, her body battered and bruised.
Luna at first fought against Scotaloo, using her magic to wield her swords against her opponent’s scooter themed arsenal. Once Applebloom entered the fray, her defeat was inevitable. Against two potion enhanced ponies, both bearing the speed and strength of a battalion, as well as increased resistance to magic, the most you could do was delay your inevitable doom.
Two alicorns down. Was there any hope left for us?
I looked for Twilight and her friends. What I saw was troubling. The Elements of Harmony was losing their fight as well.
The fillies had a very solid plan before they attacked. To prevent Princess Twilight and her friends from using their power, the Cutie Mark Crusaders – Super-villains, first marenapped an unsuspecting Applejack. With the Element of Honesty gone, there was no way that the rest of the Elements would be able to unite, and use their ultimate attack against the Cutie Mark Crusaders – Super-villains.
It was a simple strategy. IT. WAS. FLAWLESS!!!
Now, with Fluttershy unconscious, and out of the fight, the clock was ticking against the Mane Six.
Twilight and Rarity was facing off against Sweetie Belle. Due to the potion she imbibed, which granted her increased magic, she was almost effortlessly winning the fight against the two magic wielders. Flashes of light and smoke erupted from their duel.
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie on the other hand, were busy fighting against Scootaloo and Applebloom. Rainbow Dash’s speed and agility, along with Pinkie’s unpredictability, versus the fillies speed, strength, and increased magic resistance. It was an even match so far, but with the way Sweetie Belle was ponyhandling Twilight and Rarity, the fillies would soon have their reinforcement and it would spell doom for Rainbow and Pinkie
Suddenly, time seemed to stop. A white colored magical Aura engulfed the combatants, freezing them in place.
Then, a flash of light blinded any pony who might have been watching the fight.
“GREETINGS FOOLS!!!” screamed a pony in black armor.
With the cutie mark and any distinguishing features covered, it would be impossible to tell who it was. And with the ponies blinded by the earlier flash of light, it would be futile to get any coherent information from any witnesses. The voice distortion spell would also make identification difficult.
“I HAVE COME TO TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!!!”
Another aura, this time a yellowish one, levitated me, the Princesses, the Mane Six, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders – Super-villains close to the black armoured pony.
“She’s using an aura scrambler!” I heard Twilight scream.
Every unicorn and alicorn has a unique magical aura when they use their magic. The aura scrambler would mask this unique aura, negating any chance that the user would be identified with a scrying spell.
The villain let out a sinister laugh. “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! BE AFRAID EQUESTRIA!! FEAR ME!!! FEAR THE GREAT UNKNOWN!!!!!”
Another flash of light, and I felt myself being teleported.
***Three Months Earlier***
Equestrian Summer. Clear blue skies, lush forests and meadows. How I hated it! Everything was too bright, too sunny, and too hot. Worst of all, ponies did not have air conditioning, and with them not eating meat, their veggie barbecues was a little disappointing.
There were also the estrus crazed mares. Of course, having a pony to bang would be nice, but having to bang them nonstop for two weeks straight was a death sentence.
I had just returned from the marketplace, covered in sweat after having to dodge multiple ponies, and their estrus addled minds. I was fumbling for the keys to my door, when I felt a gust of wind and heard someone land behind me.
“Hello, Doctor Quack, how nice to see you.”
I was somewhat thankful that it was not another estrus crazed mare. Having the princess here though, meant business, and right now, with what seemed to be the hottest month of the year, I had no intention of doing any kind of work.
I turned around, and in the coldest possible voice I greeted her.
“Hello, and goodbye, Princess Celestia.”
“So, you’re not going to invite me in are you?” she said in a lighthearted, almost giggling tone.
“No” I answered as coldly and as devoid of life as possible.
“Oh you’re right! Maybe I should try the spell here outside so that I won’t damage your home. You humans and your magical immunity. It seems though, that I and Twilight have found a teleport spell that works around it. Sooooo...maybe I’ll cast it here, and teleport you to those mares over there” replied Celestia.
I looked to where she was pointing and saw Rose, Lily, Daisy, Shoeshine, Lyra, Vinyl, Berry Punch, Carrot Top, and Apple Fritter. All beautiful and wonderful mares. All estrus crazed psychopaths.
“You are evil, you know that? Get in” I said as I opened the door.
“How kind of you, doctor”
We both went inside the refurbished treehouse that I was living in. Knowing Celestia, I also closed all the windows and curtains to make sure that she could have her privacy. I then stepped towards the entrance to the kitchen, giving a large berth between me and her. I told her that with the doors, windows and curtains closed, the sound deadening spell was now in full effect and the coast was clear.
Princess Celestia then flopped on the couch and let out a burp and a fart at the same time (a Felch? No, that’s not it. A Burt? Maybe a Bart? Those sound way better!). From a majestic princess, to one big slob, all in two and a half seconds.
“Holy Crap doc! You have no idea how long I’ve been holding that in. Thanks for the privacy! Got any cake I can mooch off you? Maybe you got some hard cider? After all, the alcohol sales limit only applies to ponies and not to humans.”
“That’s why I’m here, Princess. Just give me a minute”
I went into the kitchen and grabbed a slice of cake, and some vodka. I placed the cake and vodka on the table and sat next to a lounging Celestia. She was lying on her back, with her hooves in the air. Her mane which normally glistened and flowed as if forever caught in the warm summer sun and breeze hung limply. Her face was a picture of bliss.
“You have no idea how good this feels doc! I should come here more often to just lounge around and relax. It sucks when ponies are always expecting you to be this and that, and so on and so forth. Oooh! Excuse me while I have some cake” she said happily.
“Royal duties, huh?” I asked
“Mmhmmphh! Oomph dmph lmph!”
“All day long? What is it this time? Saddle Arabian ambassadors? Visitors from the Gryphon Empire? Troglodytes, Dragons, Evil Eyes, Medusae, Minotaurs and Harpies attacking Canterlot?”
She swallowed the cake, then sighed. She then closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.
“Deflategate”
A single word, with no further explanations. Ooooohhhhhh the headaches she must be getting from this one.
“I heard about that. How can one balloon landing in the middle of the palace grounds be such a big issue? It was an accident after all right?” I asked.
“It is a big issue! They’re talking no fly zones! Designated airways for both pegasi and balloons! If it is approved, it would mean longer travel times for flyers, but it would prevent crashes from affecting the city. Not approving it would mean a popular vote, as the airspace is supposed to be shared by all, but it would mean extra patrols for the royal guards, which would lead to increased expenses and maybe an increases in taxes. So much hours on wasted on debates. All thanks to an accident which had to happen on royal grounds!” she said with a hint of exhaustion in her voice.
I immediately asked for an apology. Poor mare was probably going crazy right now. Better stop asking about her work.
”Here, let me see if I can help you relax. Can you lie down please?”
She did as I said, and I started massaging her. There were some oohs, some ahhs, some soft moans as I started working on her. There was even a low, guttural growl when I massaged a knot in her shoulders, or what amounted to pony shoulders.
“You think you can massage me everytime I come here, doc?” Celestia asked.
“Only if you pay me with steaks and bacon” I jokingly replied.
“You know your massage is kinda turning me on, right?” she said as she slowly draped a wing across my shoulders. “Is there anything here that can stop me from rutting you right now?”
“Uhm, well, for one, I expect Pinkie to pop out the moment you do that, and stop us by saying that this is a teen rated story or something. And since I love being able to walk, I’ll have to pass.As for massages, I'll give you one when I feel like it. I’ll have to ask Aloe or Lotus for some pointers to help me improve my technique. After all, I only learned the power of the shoulder rub so I could get laid back on earth.”
“I agree on the Pinkie thing. She keeps popping out from all the weird places. As for your massage, what you’re doing is more than enough doc. The reason I came here was so I could be myself without any pony judging me. Just laying down here without a care in the world is the best therapy for me.”
“Being Equestria’s top and only psychologist, I’m pretty sure I can arrange for a weekly session.”
“Make it daily doc. You have a very comfortable sofa, and I would like to be able to lounge on it more. In fact, I think that this is the second most comfortable thing I have ever experienced.”
“Oh? What would be the first my dear princess?”
“Well, you weren’t here yet when the changelings invaded. Their Queen, Chrysallis, beat me in a duel, and then placed me in a cocoon. I was disgusted at first but, it was actually very, very comfortable. And the fluids inside did wonders for my mane and coat.”
“Princess, you do know that Chrysallis works at the Quills and Sofa shop right?”
“She does? Then I should go there, and order some of these heavenly sofas once I am done here!”
“Sadly they’re out of sofas princess. Their next expected delivery date is in a week. They have quills though. The good thing is, Chrysalis, or Chrissie as she likes to be called, doesn’t hold a grudge. Last week I saw her and Twilight having tea together.”
Princess Celestia sighed.
“How I wish for the day when there would be no more villains. Every time they try to conquer Equestria, I or Luna have to pay the price.”
“Well, at least when villains do attack, it breaks the monotony of your daily royal life right?”
“I have to admit doc, the duels were a breath of fresh air! I was getting rusty from not having anything to test my skills on for the past three to four hundred years or so. Duelling with Nightmare Moon, the parasprites, and Chrysalis was actually kind of fun.”
“Hmmm. Question. Where do you normally end up after the villain defeats you?” I asked while I started massaging her withers.
“Well, with Nightmare Moon, I got sent to Luna’s room. Don’t ask, it was pretty awkward. The plunder vines trapped me, and Luna in the palace wine cellar. After drinking all the wine, we smashed the barrels to make it look like the plunder vines did it. We were so drunk afterwards that I think the moon turned blue and the sun danced. I can’t remember...”
“No one came looking for you, or Luna?”
“No. Although some ponies were scared, I overhead most of the staff saying that they should all calm down since the elements of harmony were still there, and working on a solution.”
“What about Tirek?”
“Oh that guy was the biggest asshole among the villains we faced. Hey idiot! That centaur brain of yours working? You already drained me, Luna and Cadence of our powers! We’re no longer a threat! Why not let us be, and send us somewhere private so we can enjoy some board games! But nooooo, you had to boost your ego by chaining us, and sending us to Tartarus! AT LEAST GIVE US A DAMNED GAME COLT SO WE WOULDN’T DIE OF BOREDOM!!”
“Actually princess, the LeXBoX has better multiplayer games..”
Celestia glared at me.
“I’m going to pay for that soon right?”
“Just get back to massaging the royal plot my dear doctor”
I kept quiet and kept massaging her. Might as well give her a few minutes to calm down.
“So let’s say I were a villain. First things first, I have to beat you, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then, Princess Luna”
“Mmmhmmm”
“Then Princess Twilight, and her friends right?”
“Eeeeyup”
“Let’s say that I defeated Twilight, what’s next?”
“Well, there’s Princess Cadance, and the power of the Crystal Heart. Discord would probably go against you since he doesn’t want Fluttershy hurt. The Solar, Lunar and Royal guards would also be mobilized by Shining Armor. The Wonderbolts would definitely want in on the action. There’s also the zebra called Zecora, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Maud Pie, The Great and Powerful and Reformed Trixie, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, The Pony Tones....I could go on but you get the idea”
“So you’re saying that even with your defeat and capture, life would go on in Equestria. Am I right, princess?”
“Well, I have my advisers, but even then, the contingency plans would last for at least a year as long as Princess Luna, Twilight, or Cadence was there to raise and set the sun. Three months at the most, if we were stuck on night mode. Maybe even Discord could do the day and night thing though I pray to Faust that it would never come to that.”
I smiled. “Well princess, I think I see a month long vacation in your future.”
Princess Celestia just looked at me, utterly confused by what I just said.
“Send a letter to Princess Luna” I told Princess Celestia. “Tell her you’ll be here until tomorrow. We have some planning to do. Now Princess, let me introduce to you Earthen concept of Playing Hooky.”
***THE PRESENT TIME***
We materialized on a waiting airship on the outskirts of the city.
After the DeflateGate fiasco, the pilot, Cherry Berry was sworn in to be Princess Celestia’s Personal Airship Chauffer for a year since, as the princess put it, “She went above and beyond the call of duty to ensure that no ponies would be killed, or injured, when her balloon went down after a rogue piano hit it.” Being the Princess’s personal pilot also meant Cherry had to sign a non-disclosure agreement, and exclusive rights to her balloon, which allowed us the use of the airship for our escape.
I was then untied by the Cutie Mark Crusaders – Best Super-Villains Ever!, while Princess Celestia and Princess Luna stood up as if nothing happened, took off their crowns and broken armor, and walked towards Twilight and the gang for some first aid. One was bound to get a few scrapes and bruises from all that horseplay after all. Princess Celestia and Sweetie Belle had some minor burns but it was easily healed thanks to magic.
After Sweetie Belle was healed, I called her and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders over and gave them something to drink to help dispel the effects of the potion.
The black armored pony then took off her helmet and armor and put on her trademark hat and cape.
“Why does The Great and Powerful Trixie always have to be the villain! Was my apology not enough?”
I gave my roomie a pat on her head.
“You did well Trixie and besides, you had the best alibi. No one would suspect it was you since they all think that you’re in Neighpon meditating. Best of all, you get to come with us on this holiday my great, powerful and oh so wonderful roomie”
“Please don’t stop flattering Great, Powerful, and Wonderful Trixie”
We all laughed.
I saw Twilight walk towards me with a curious look in her eyes.
“Doctor Quack, I’d like to know what you put in that potion of yours. I’ve never seen Sweetie Belle do telekinesis, energy manipulation, and other forms of magic with that kind of proficiency before. Applebloom and Scootaloo were also moving so fast that even Rainbow had trouble catching up to them. They even matched Pinkie in her quirkiness and unpredictability. Even AJ would be impressed with Appleblooms strength.”
“Oh, I just gave them eight shots of espresso, mixed with a cup of water, and about 10 tablespoons of sugar.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped.
“And the antidote is nothing more than a shot of extra strength vodka. Although they wore themselves out fighting you guys, I just wanted to make sure that they would fall asleep during the entire trip. I’m sure you’re tired as well and I don’t want your beauty sleep to be interrupted by the fillies.”
Twilight facehoofed.
All those weeks planning and everything went off without a hitch.
The first thing needed was a villain.
It was Princess Celestia who came up with the concept. With armor covering the pony’s body, any pony witnessing the fight would not be able to identify who was inside that suit of armor. The flash of light would also add to the confusion. The voice changer and aura scrambler was added to ensure that identification would be impossible. We named the villain The Great Unknown and decided to ask Trixie to play the part.
The villain’s lackeys were easy.
Me and the princess decided that since mind controlled ponies were easily forgiven and easily accepted back into society, we agreed on that approach. Since it would be hard to convince Lyra, Minuette and Twinkleshine to remain quiet on our plans, we decided on the Cutie Mark Crusaders. As a reward for their silence, they were able to accompany us on our vacation.
Princess Luna was easy to convince, and she vowed to put on a good show for her audience. We also asked her to come along for her to spend quality time with her sister.
We then decided to have Applejack marenapped, but in reality, we sent her ahead to the exclusive beach resort in El Neighdo to ensure that the employees there were honest enough not to tell the outside world that we were there.
The rest of the Mane Six, along with Spike were then informed of our plan. The biggest concern was Pinkie, but it was easily rectified by telling her it would be a surprise vacation party for everyone. Pinkie just said that she made a Pinkie Promise with the author so no harm done. Whatever Pinkie :).
After the Tirek fiasco, Discord pleaded with us to let him help. He came up with an excuse that he was busy with a running refrigerator to throw off suspicion on his whereabouts. It was he who teleported the royal guards away from the parade grounds. The plan was just to have them teleported to Ponyville, giving all of us an hour to 'fight', but since we were all taking steps to ensure the plan would go along smoothly, he teleported them to the Crystal Empire giving us a bigger window of opportunity.
After he had teleported the guards, Discord followed Applejack to El Neighdo, where he volunteered to patrol the perimeter looking for pests. He was happy to do it too, as he could cause some chaos in the lives of the paparazzi’s if ever there were some of them hiding, and waiting for their stolen shots.
At first, we had no other option but to leave Equestria to Princess Celestia’s advisers. What surprised us was when a letter materialized in front of Princess Celestia. It came from Princess Cadence, stating that she felt Celestia’s love towards me grow, and that meant that we were planning something big, as she has not felt her aunt this happy since the return of Princess Luna. Since she owed her aunt and Twilight for helping save not only her wedding, but also her empire, she was more than happy to help. She ended up foalsitting (empiresitting?) Equestria. Guess Princess Celestia now has a Royal Foalsitter for the empire.
As for Shining Armor and Spike, they volunteered to “lead” the rescue forces. The plan was that after a month, we would make our way back to Equestria, and then with the combined magic of Trixie, Twilight, Celestia and Luna, we would put on a light show somewhere along the uninhabited regions near Los Pegasus. Shining Armor and Spike would then come to the rescue and find that the villain was defeated, the Crusaders freed from the villain’s control, and the Princesses, and the Mane Six safe. Credit would then go to Trixie and Discord for helping free everybody thus cementing their face turn.
As for Big Mac and Granny Smith, after they vowed not to tell anyone of our plans (we needed to borrow Applejack and Apple Bloom after all), we were to dispatch a platoon to their farm for their “protection.” This platoon was then to help with chores around the farm.
My reminiscing ended when I saw Celestia and Luna return. They looked different now. They looked happy.
So, here I am now. On an airship, piloted by Cherry Berry, headed to an exclusive beach resort in El Neighdo. With me were Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna who both looked absolutely stunning in their summer dresses, the Mane Six, sans Applejack, wearing their leis and grass skirts, the sleeping Crusaders, and my roomie, The Great and Powerful Trixie.
I was fantasizing about ponies wearing bikinis when a thought popped into my head. With Discord patrolling the perimeter, which was about ten to twenty klicks out, it suddenly dawned on me that I was the only guy on this trip.
The only thing that I could think of at that time was “I’m screwed.”
Author's Note
“How long did it take you to write this one?” asked Screwball
Oh about four hours. Still don’t have a grand idea on what to write next. This was just a way for me to get back in the groove after a few weeks not writing anything.
I’ve always wondered what Princess Celestia and Luna would be like in their private moments. In the show they always have to act Princessly and stuff. Then the concept came to me. I asked myself “What if Celestia wasn’t really beaten/imprisoned? What if she used the villain as an excuse to play hooky?”
“You are an asshole though.” replied Screw Ball.
Why so?
“Felching? You know what that means right”
Well, I didn’t describe it so I guess it’s okay.
“So any plans on when the next story will be?”
I don’t know Screw Ball. I’m having so much fun playing Heroes 3 on the iPad. My next story though will have something to do with my gaming cabinet.
“Did you say Heroes 3?!?! Dibs on Dungeon!!”
But I wanted to play Dungeon! Guess I’m stuck playing the crappy Tower.
