DMX and Applejack, the Annotated Series!

by Scrapplejack

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6
Length: 9092

DMX and Applejack have been close friends for nearly two years now, and somewhere along the way, DMX manages to get AJ addicted to crack. Can Trixie find them on the streets of Los Santos before AJ destroys herself, and Buu kills Lolzor?

DMX and Applejack have been close friends for nearly two years now, and somewhere along the way, DMX manages to get AJ addicted to crack. Can Trixie find them on the streets of Los Santos before AJ destroys herself, and Buu kills Lolzor?

A collaboration with Theobservantpilgrim. Special thanks to QuantumPinkie, who inspired Lolzor, the character, with QuantumPinkie. On the anatomy charts: 1.- 5.

Thank you. :moustache:

Critic quotes:

hilarious in a WTF way.
- DerpyMuffin7

rucka rucka ali...love it!
- Jumbo Hooves

so bad, it is good
- Thunder Lightning

What the ever-loving fuck is this.
- Aurora Dimmet

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........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
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- Everyone with human emotion

Published 2015-02-27 16:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-11 23:38:12 UTC

Prologue

"You know something, Sunset?" asked Trixie, sitting in the driver seat of the Batmobile, levitating an apple to her mouth to take a bite, her glowing magical aura enveloping the red fruit.

"What is it, master Bruce?" Trixie could feel the source of the voice struggling in the larger pocket of her utility belt, and out popped tiny Sunset Shimmer, addressing her as to her question.

"Well, when Twilight defeated me the second time, I simply gave up and said 'You know what? Forget magic!', and I was right." She paused her story momentarily to take a bite from the apple floating in front of her. She chewed for a few seconds and continued her explanation of how the last few years of her life had even been possible.

"Anyways, I'm really glad I made that decision, now I don't have to take crap from Twilight Sparkle, or anypony, for that matter. Because, I'm Batman." Trixie swallowed a handsome chunk of her apple. There was a sudden noise, and Trixie looked forward to find a red car zooming past them at roughly 35 miles per hour. Trixie immediately threw the rest of the apple out the window, putting her hoof on the acceleration and flooring it.

"Huh, another illegal driver. Shall I prep the miniature sniper rifle, master Bruce?" Sunset asked, climbing out of Trixie's comfy pocket and crawling into the glove compartment.

"Yes. This guy's gonna get it." Trixie went full speed, catching up to the illegal driver. Sunset Shimmer climbed onto her shoulder and held a small, laser powered rifle with a forensic level long range thermal detection scope, jumping onto the mirror of the Batmobile, and lying prone on it's smooth metallic surface, her vision funneled through the iron sight.

"Ready?" asked Trixie.

"Ready." With the reply from Sunset, Trixie picked up a microphone in her hoof and put it up to her own face to speak.

"Okay, listen up! You can either pull over or my small friend will easily splatter a sizable proportion of your frontal lobe allover your wind shield!" Trixie yelled into the mic, the sound booming through speakers on top of the Batmobile. The red car began to slow, and pulled over to the side of the road next to town hall. Trixie stepped out of the Batmobile with her little companion sitting on her shoulder, lying on her back and gazing at the clouds. Trixie approached the other vehicle...

Trixie bashed the hood of the red car, the innards of the vehicle audibly shattering. Dan was helpless as he watched Trixie ruin his new car because of a law that she clearly made up.

"No vehicles of any kind in Ponyville my ass..." he mumbled to himself begrudgingly. Although one of the few innocents that managed to escape, this crazed guardian of the night was one man whose eyes were as scarlet as beetles and breath was rank with the aroma fresh of cheetos and smoke. This man, Daniel Hardcastle, took one look at the Batmobile and couldn’t decipher if it was real or not, being that Trixie claimed that vehicles were illegal in Ponyville. What he did know, however,  was that he only left the house with one purpose in mind, and now he'd have to walk there.

He got up and began to walk away while Trixie wasn't looking, in fear of his ass being capped by tiny Sunset Shimmer. He was eventually far enough away that he could walk normal again, and began to approach the Sweet Apple Acres, not knowing where else to go.

So Daniel summoned his courage, and the spirit of Bob Marley that he was sure was mixed in together with whatever else was mixed in that green gunk he got from that DJ pony, and walked up to a pony he had been meaning to get to for quite some time, who was, strangely enough, playing with Apple Bloom near the farmhouse. Oh how he longed to profess his feelings but roadblock after roadblock after one irate apple farmer trying to keep him from totally wailing on a chicken with nefarious intentions kept him from what could very well be his one true love.

“Oi, Fluttershy?” he asked one particular pony. “Listen, I know we got off to a shit start, but I spent an entire bloody day once upon a time searching for you. Now, I know you can’t resist the magnificence that I am, so there is no reason for you to hide your feelings, girl. So what you say?"

She looked up from Apple Bloom, covering the fillies ears at the vulgarity escaping Dan's mouth, and looked to the strange man above her, who said something she didn't quite understand for a moment. The pony pointed her eyes in a single, rather confused, direction aimed squarely at the nerd. “Ey-nope.”

“Nope?” He started wigging out at this point, like as if he just saw a momma duck get attacked by its children over a handful of breadcrumbs (Duck Matricide is a bigger problem then you can ever guess) and he was sweating. Hard. “Come on, you're mad sick hot! I mean, you remember when I let you stay at your house, right? That’s gotta count for something!”

“Nope.”

“Alrighty then, I see how it is.” he said as he turned away. “Smell ya later, racist!” and he just bailed, leaving Apple Bloom and Fluttershy Big Macintosh in his dust.

So the tall red stallion continued with his quizzical look and contemplated the existence of such a bizarre creature before dismissing it as an illusion or a case of mistaken identity but nevertheless accepted that he had best get to the farm before supper time.

"Hey, Big Mac, what was that he said about you being 'mad sick hot'?" Asked Apple Bloom, looking up to her big brother with an expression of confused curiosity.

"Oh, nothin'. Come on, little sis. Back inside." he ordered her, to which she obeyed, but as she trotted back inside, tonight was fajita night, after all. As she hit the doorstep, she looked back to her brother with one more question.

"Do you think he meant what he said?" She asked. His little sister's question bounced through Big Mac's skull for a little moment, until he found an educated guess that he hoped to Celestia wasn't true.

“Eeyup.”

Applejack continued her pulling of the wagon as she saw the white stick figure float above her, taunting her aimlessly.

"As I was saying, mortal, you get that I will never stoop to such a level. Anyways, what are you even supposed to be? 'Element of whatever'? What kind of power is that? Sounds useless, and I'm sure it is incapable destroying worlds." Lolzor told her, genuinely irritating her. Applejack sighed and continued pulling, attempting to not let the irritatingly superior god-like being get on her nerves.

"I'm an Element of Harmony, the Element of Honesty, to be more exact. And, it's not supposed to 'destroy worlds', it supposed to spread and maintain, well... harmony, and friendship." She replied, attempting to enlighten Lolzor of what kind of power it was.

"Pfft. Sounds like something you puny mortals would call 'true power'." He snapped back in his usual snooty and ignorant tone. Applejack sighed, her patience was really losing hold. She lightened up when she looked up and saw her homie approaching them.

"Hey, DMX! Can you do me a favor and tell this guy to quit buggin'?" AJ asked of him, waving and and gesturing to the annoyingly ever present Meme Lord floating above her.

"A’ight my nigga, I got you." He walked up to her leaned on the wagon as it stopped. The sobriety began to take hold so the fierce DMX had to let out a barking cough to clear his throat. "Nigga, you best be backing off.”

The Meme Lord shivered at the darkness that seemed to emanate from Dog Master Extreme and almost immediately grew a pop-tart to envelope his body, enabling him to fly away, leaving the two at the end of his pixelated rainbow trail.

“Man, that nigga’s gay, you heard?”

"Which one?" asked AJ, confused if he was talking about Lolzor or someone else.

"Nerdcubed. dat nigga's been weird lately." Replied DMX.

“Well, he’s always been a bit ‘off’, but thank ya kindly.” Applejack said and continued along with her route. “So ignoring the occasional varmints like that, how’s Ponyville to your liking?”

“Nigga, ‘liking’ is something a bitch or some punk ass nigga in pumps does. But I’m a’ight with this shit right here.”

“Well that’s mighty fine. It’s also good that you haven’t raised too much of a ruckus after that whole Rarity incident. She’s still wondering why she gets those odd looks from Mrs. Cake.”

“Man, forget that bitch nigga! She be trippin’ over some childish shit. You better handle that shit or she gon’ try and roll up on you, you feel me?”

“You’re probably right. Rarity knows just as well herself to be honest to her friends. On the other side, I am the element of honesty, so I suppose it’s only right I should be honest with her.”

“Damn right, nigga!” DMX said and gave Applejack a friendly jostle. “By the way, the ol’ nigga’s gonna be done with dinner, so we best get heading back.”

“Alright, seeya in the house.”

And with that, DMX stepped in the shade of a nearby tree and used his miraculous powers of the dark to travel from shadow to shadow back to the farmhouse, as Dark Man X is wont to do. While Applejack was not too familiar nor too fond of the idea of such powers belonging to anypony -much less whatever DMX was- her appreciation for him dispelled any notions that he may be evil. Plus, among the multitude of things that he doesn't like, Rarity is one of those things, and that's pretty neat as far as Applejack is concerned.

Chapter 1: The community.

Pinkie Pie's eyes fluttered open excitedly. It was a brand new day, a brand new chance for happiness and laughter! She jumped out of bed, not even bothering to take off the covers because they flew off as she jumped out of her bed, landing nimbly on two legs. She yawned and stretched enthusiastically, her muscles loosening and relaxing. She rushed to the window, parting the blinds. It was a sunny day, the sky was cloudless, Rainbow Dash was taking a nap in a tree, having finished her job last night. The bees buzzed, the birds chirped, the sun continued peaking as it rose, the crisp breeze gently swaying the branch Dashie was resting on, almost like a rocking crib. Pinkie Pie pushed open the window, poking her head outside, a look of excitement on her pink smiley rubber and cotton candy face.

"Good morning, Dashie!" Pinkie hollered towards the tree Dash was napping in. Rainbow's eyes shot open, Pinkie's morning greeting shocking her from sleep. She shook as the startling noise went to her brain, shaking the tree branch.

"Whooah!" Rainbow Dash screamed as she found herself plummeting to the ground, barely awake. She hit the ground with an Oof!, and after a second, she slowly crawled to her fours, looking up to the window where Pinkie was to chew her out for waking her up like this, only to find that she had already disappeared.

Pinkie ran down the stairs that lead from her room to the halls of the back end of Sugarcube Corner at a pace that would make Sonic the Hedgehog jealous. She honed her stamina to make a sharp turn into the doorway of the Cake Twins, who were barely waking up as well. Trotting to their crib, she swooped both of them up in her arms in one continuous motion, holding them both close to her soft chest.

"Hey Pound! Hey Pumpkin!" The two of them were still half asleep, but managed to muster the consciousness to giggle lightly in response to her presence. She began rapidly kissing each of them in the forehead, going faster with every contact. It slightly tickled the infant ponies, gradually waking them more, their tiny warm bodies wriggling in Pinkie's grip. Pinkie ceased her kissing of the babies to address Mr. and Mrs. Cake, who had just trotted into the room, smiling warmly at the scene of affection.

"Oh Pinkie, dear. Why are you-" She was cut off as she found herself and her husband wrapped in the warm embrace of Pinkie's arms, hugging the two of them gently, careful not to squeeze too hard.

She wasn't excited about anything, this was what she was normally like in the mornings... and everypony hated it. But her casual and average lovely day was cut short from shouts of agony coming from outside.

“No, not the bees, AHHH!” shouted Rainbow Dash. Pinkie looked out the window and saw that not only had Dash fallen from the tree, but it seemed a whole hive had fallen alongside her and a cloud of the little stinging bugs were swarming around and giving chase to the dashing pegasus.

Pinkie Pie, -as the paragon of happiness and laughter that she was- would have jumped out the window without notice to try and help her dear friend. She would have, but she didn’t. She, herself, felt herself begin to swoon and feel unnaturally light headed as though the ordeal was affecting her just as equally. She felt herself falling over, hitting the ground. She had fainted.

Lolzor, the Meme Lord, heard Dashie's cries of pain from the other side of Ponyville, cringing at the noise of a possible threat. He looked in the direction the vile noise omitted from. He couldn't detect what it was.

"Pedovision... activate!" His face went limp as his eyes became huge and he gained a somewhat chubby appearance, enabling him to see through the buildings separating him from the source of the noise like they were made of glass. He saw it, Rainbow Dash running in circles, attempting to lose the swarm of bees attacking her. Lolzor had the information he needed.

Lolzor promptly donned the bear suit he had "acquired" from some hobo a while back, and leapt into the air, going full power, leaving behind a pixel rainbow, flying to the ensuing chaos at full speed.

“The bees, ahh! They’re in my eyes! Killing me won’t bring back your honey!” Dash yelled at the bees as she continued to get stung by over eleventy billion of them.

Upon arrival, Lolzor waited as Rainbow Dash ran right to him, and once he was close, he decked Dash right in the jaw with a sick right hook that harnessed all the strength of Nicholas Cage from Kick-Ass! And then Lolzor ran away, with all the speed of a wild, untamed Nicholas Cage from Ghostrider!

The Cake parents, still staring at the mysteriously unconscious, decided to help the now unconscious Rainbow Dash. Mr Cake dragged her to the local Ponyville Hospital while Mrs Cake stayed to watch over the cake babies and the limp but unhurt Pinkie Pie.

At the hospital, it was the usual rigamarole, given Dash’s history of treating the place like it had a revolving door. All the necessary forms were already signed for such an expected visit. She was brought to what was termed the Rainbow Room, which, contrary to the name -which sounds like it’d be a sick restaurant run by mobsters- was actually adopted by the hospital exclusively because of Dash’s frequent visits.

About an hour later, the emergency contact of Rainbow Dash arrived, much to the stares and raised brows of the other staff, and arrived in the room to a swollen and resting Rainbow Dash.

“What up, my Nuckas?!” Dash’s visitor yelled out, waking her so abruptly that she rolled over onto the floor. She peeled her bruised face from the floor, looking up to discover that her boyfriend, satire specialist and professional racist Rucka Rucka Ali was now in the room, as he was used to every time she was hospitalized. He looked down on her with a brow raised.

"Shit, you alright?" he asked with concern.

"No." Rainbow Dash groaned, her pains returning. Rucka looked up to find Nurse Redheart glaring at him menacingly, similar to that Spongebob Squarepants character up there. Rucka shivered and returned his gaze to the damsel in distress below him. She simply looked up at him, still hurting. Sometimes she wondered about this guy...

Chapter 2: Magic ain't real!

DMX, or Earl Simmons, as the police reports would have you believe, is an enigmatic figure with unreasonable and great powers that no person may genuinely understand. Even the greatest scholars of our time can never truly understand the actual abilities of professional rapper DMX. But if there’s one thing that’s known, it’s that his upbringing in New York did not give him the wonderful ability of literacy.

On one fine noon, Applejack had taken a break from her usual work at the ushering of DMX. Dog Master Extreme had called upon the dogs of the world to construct a porch, to which the dogs happily did, as DMX has the little known ability of dominion over the entire canine species. Together, the two sat on the porch and chilled as they sipped at some sort of vile concoction DMX made in the outhouse yesterday. DMX partook in the activity as well, so she was led to believe it was safe enough, but . . .

“Well shoot, you sure a skunk didn’t get in this?”

“Nigga, I can turn shit to gold, you just gotta give it a couple days. This batch is just to wet your lips, you hear?” DMX said through pruno stained teeth.

Applejack continued to take in the foul liquid at a slow pace, coughing every now and then. “Well, you might want to get some learning on how to help make it better. My friend Twilight should be able to help you, she’s got books on all sorts of stuff.”

“Nigga, what’s a book know about prison life? All them bitch ass things know is what crotchety white niggas be writing in them.”

“Well, she also knows magic.”

“Shit, you tryin' to play me, nigga? Man, everybody knows magic ain’t real!”

“Pardon, but we are sitting on a porch that is actually made out of dogs. I think even Winona is here somewhere!”

And like that, as if on cue, a distinct “Woof, woof!” could be heard from the porch. “Now I may not know how you did that, but I’d say it’s pretty magical.”

So DMX pounded the rest of the liquor he had in his jar, dropped it, and got up from his furry seat. “A’ight, I hear ya. So where’s this Twilight fool at?”

“Big tree in the center of town. She lives right inside it. While you’re there, would y'all kindly say ‘Hi’ for me?”

“I hear ya, I hear ya. Seeya fool.” DMX brought Applejack in a half hug and cut it off before it turned uncomfortable, then quickly set foot after foot towards the biggest tree he could find in Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle closed her notebook and set it aside.

“Finally! I knew it all along! Trixie is Batman! Now I can go back to my other project.”

Twilight then got up and went over to a massive corkboard hung against the wall that was covered in an assortment of pictures, pins, strings, and various jargon in her ultimate search for a greater truth.

"If I could only figure out who Trixie is... hmm." She stared at the corkboard, her mind lost in deep contemplation, until it finally hit her...

“Oh well, I'll think of it later. Now, who is this Machinegun Mare?”

She had spent a great deal of hours putting together what information she could get and conducting her own investigation, yet all her efforts may as well have been fruitless because she didn’t feel she was any closer at all. The futility of her search at times brought her to great anger. This was one of those times.

Twilight bashed a hoof at the board, and many of the photos and notes snowed around her .

“What does it all mean!? Who are you Machinegun Mare!?”

Her eyes then glanced over at a tauntingly decisive and clear photo of the Machinegun Mare smiling at a camera. The well groomed darkened blue fur, the hair that was translucent yet retained a hue of azure, and the crown on her head all signified that she had access to the resources of royalty, and so she was likely a thief. Thus, like all thieves, she needed to be stopped.

She then spotted another photo, this one of Princess Luna. It helped to quell the rage. Seeing her indigo coat that was evident of her princessly upbringing, the mane that reminded her of the flowing navy pigmented universe, and the symbol of royalty atop her head all served to comfort her that she needed to remain cool in this tense situation she placed herself in. But there was something bizarre about both of these select photos.

Twilight lifted up the Machinegun Mare and Luna pictures with her magic and looked at them side-by-side.

“Of course! Everything is so much clearer now!” Twilight smiled like a schoolfilly and slapped the photos back on the board, this time next to one-another.

“How could I have been so stupid? It all makes absolute perfect sense!”

It seemed that Twilight had found the only possible conclusion to her desperate struggle.

“Princess Luna can help me search for Machinegun Mare!”

. . . Well, she wasn’t wrong. But soon after she reached her conclusion, a brash knocking came at the door.

“Huh, who could that be?” Twilight wondered, knowing nopony was usually willing to contact her when she was in a frazzled state of mind. Regardless, Twilight went to the door in a few moments, opened it up, and her eyes widened to see the face of the angriest man she will ever see.

“Oh, you’re Applejack’s new friend. Why are you here?”

“Yo bitch, I got some shit to do, I’mma need to look at your books, a’ight?”

“Um...” Twilight was rather apprehensive at the idea of letting this person handle her books, but decided that there wasn’t anything too bad that could happen. “Sure, come in.” She then stepped aside and let DMX inside.

DMX took a look at the walls filled with tomes of arcane knowledge and shook his head. “I’mma need a book on brewing, you got it?”

“I have books on just about everything!” Twilight said, looking under the B section. Unlike most librarians, who make use of the Dewey Decimal system, Twilight makes fine use of the alphabetic style of bookkeeping due to an incident that is forever locked in her juvenile records. “So what do you need to know about brewing for?”

“Bitch nigga, I didn’t ask you to run up on my business, I just asked for a book!”

Twilight then stopped her search and turned to DMX. “Look, I’m going to help you, but could you at least say please?”

“A’ight, please a nigga then.”

Twilight thought on this for a moment, could not understand it, but accepted that at least he had indeed said please. “Okay.” After going through the greater B section, though, she had to turn to him in a rather disappointed way with only one rather large book. “I’m sorry, I only have the special edition version in point four type.” She magic-ed the book over to DMX.

A gentle knocking was heard at the door as DMX looked over a few pages in the book. “Come in!” called out Twilight.

The door opened and there entered Fluttershy, the shy pony that has the fantastic ability to flutter. “Uh, hello Twilight, Angel has been having some problems lately and I was wondering if I could borrow a book. The vet said it wasn’t big, but it had to do with something that started with a ‘C.’ Co-pro something.” Fluttershy then took one look at DMX and backed into a corner of the room without another word.

Twilight noticed this, and simply waved her hoof at it. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy, he’s not going to hurt anypony.”

After Twilight said that, DMX threw the book against a wall with such force that it exploded into a pile of paper. “Nigga, I can’t read this!”

“MY PRECIOUS ANTIQUE BOOK!” cried Twilight as she lunged at the mangled pages and cover on the floor. “How could you? It was exactly what you wanted!”

“Nigga, I can’t read that kinda book!”

“I knew his kind couldn’t do it.” Fluttershy muttered under her breath.

“Get out, you, you,” Twilight tried to yell out, stammering with fury.

“Nigga?”

Twilight didn’t even bother with a response. She simply shoved them both out the door with her magic and slammed it on them.

“Shit, it’s just like the group home all over again.” DMX mused to himself.

Chapter 3: Phil

In a sterile room in some unconcerned city of the United States, famed musician Phil Collins sat with only a table keeping him away from a man in a black suit dabbing at sweat forming on his brow. The man read his file, and bit at his lip from time to time as his eyes glanced at the horrors that this man was capable of.

“So, uh, Mister Collins.” He said in a coarse voice. He poured himself a drink of water from a pitcher on the table and sipped at it cautiously. He was well hydrated, sure, but something about Phil Collins frightened his body so very much that he kept drying as drops of fear continued to pour from him. “It says here you hospitalized a dozen prisoners, all of which were on the brink of death but with no visible signs of trauma. That, um, certainly is something special.”

Phil Collins merely sat and watched as the man poured himself another glass.

“L-Look, I know you probably can’t hear me. Yeah, because you got problems with your ears or something like that, but please try and understand what I’m saying. You understand me, right?”

Collins gave no response, and continued to stare at the man with frightening intensity.

The man whimpered, believing each word he spoke to be another pile of dirt to be poured on his grave. “We want to offer you a chance to get out. We’ll drop all charges against you if you just do one thing.”

This time, Collins tilted his head to the side a bit. This, certainly, was a good sign.

“Good, I mean great! All you have to do, is, uh, you see, we have a bit of a problem in some foreign country that we need you to, um, deal with. This’ll be your target.” The man slid an album cover titled ‘Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood’ which prominently featured a figure drenched in scarlet ichor that covered the ebony skin of a man far darker than anything Detroit ever could have produced.

Phil Collins took one look at the page and frowned.

“You see, this DMX character, whoever he is, has been wreaking chaos in some foreign country that we were hoping to establish relations with. We need you to stop him by any means necessary. Please, Mister Collins, can you do this?”

Phil Collins sat back in his chair and went back to staring at the man.

“P-Please Phil! You,” The man coughed briefly and felt choked up. His face began to turn purple and he struggled from his chair to the floor, trying desperately to breathe.

Collins got out of his own seat and gingerly walked over to the man on the floor and leaned down to him. “Sir, I can do this. But not only can I do this, I shall do this. You are welcome.”

Phil Collins then looked away and the man felt the immense pressure lifted away from him and he returned to being able to breathe, first taking in labored, painful breaths before returning to normal.

“Sir, I know of this foreign land that you speak of. It shall take me quite some time to get there. When I return, I expect to see my sentence, eliminated, shall we say?”

The man got to his knees and clasped his hands together. “Yes, yes, anything Mister Collins, anything!”

Phil then looked over his shoulder briefly at the man to show a grin growing in the corner of his face that showed off his ugly British teeth. “Lovely.”

Set nearest the grand majesty that was the castle of the royal monarch, Canterlot was the hub of civility that was synonymous with higher living for Equestrians. Indeed, the city of Canterlot boasted many claims, and lived up to said claims well. From some of the most fabulous designs comparable to Manehatten standards of fashion to the legitimately best coffee in the world, Canterlot had it all. They also had one of the only genuine superheroes of Equestria, which comes with the territory of the city being destroyed every now and again. Because of this, Canterlot also is home to a booming repair business.

Far atop the cobble streets and standing on a roof, was the towering figure of this grand superheroine of Equestria. Canterlot was her city to protect, and she would do it, no matter how many protests were held against her. She was the protector the city has, but not the one it deserves, and certainly not the one it wants.

“Ah yes, these ponies may not appreciate our good intentions, but nevertheless shall we continue in our crusade against all evil!” Shouted Machinegun Mare in the traditional Canterlot speaking voice. “We shall never fret nor show any signs of fear in the face of danger!”

Just then, the dangerous Trixie landed beside her. “Hello.” She said, sounding like she just had a sandpaper martini.

“Ah!” Machinegun Mare began to flip out and immediately took the safety off and let her machinegun fire randomly wherever it could and only made the slightest gestures to aim it at Trixie. Trixie, however, was trained in the great art of dodging tomatoes as per her time spent on the S.S. Showboat, and so she had little trouble of managing away from danger. All she had to do was pretend the well armed Alicorn was shooting tomatoes at her. Tomatoes that went at the speed of sound and destroyed bricks.

Before Trixie could be turned into pony flavored swiss cheese, she tackled the greatest, and only, heroine Equestria has ever known and restrained her, though the gun continued to fire. “The great and powerful Batman needs to talk with you!”

Following Trixie’s command was a firm “I would suggest listening to her.” Said a miniature version of Sunset Shimmer hanging out in Trixie’s utility belt.

Machinegun Mare got one look at the itsy bitsy pony and was like “Awwww,” and stopped shooting. Because, hey, would you keep shooting if you saw something as adorable as a teeny tiny Sunset Shimmer?

With the danger over, Trixie got off of Machinegun Mare and the two of them dusted themselves off. “It is good to see you’ll finally listen to reason.”

“We, Machinegun Mare, are very busy this time of night and demand to know your reason for intruding upon our hard work!” Demanded the Alicorn vigilante. She found Trixie staring at her, dead in the eyes. She was not playing around.

"We would like to talk to you about Earl Simmons, A.K.A. DMX."

“We have never heard of this pony before, why should they concern us?”

“We’re not discussing a pony here, we’re discussing a strange creature. Everywhere he goes, he is the cause for certain destruction and misery. I only know so much about him, but it’s still not enough. We need to all the hooves we can get to stop this monster!”

“Bah!” Machinegun Mare gave a dismissal wave of her hoof. “If this matter was truly serious, then my sister, I mean, Princess Luna’s sister would order the Elements of Harmony to deal with it.”

“One of the Elements of Harmony is allied with DMX! That’s the entire reason why I can’t deal with this on my own.”

“Hmm,” Machinegun Mare mused to herself on the matter silently and scratched at her scalp with her titular weapon in befuddlement. “This is certainly a predicament that requires as much help as you may muster. However, we are far too preoccupied with matters of a greater importance.”

“There’s a huge crack epidemic spreading across our nation, they found a pit full of dogs with their faces welded to one another, and they stopped making peanut butter crackers! He must be responsible for all of this! What is more important than this?”

“There is a villain in our midst that is terrorizing the humble city of Canterlot,” Machinegun Mare approached the edge of the rooftop and looked over it. “Before we may do anything else, it is vital for all of Equestria that we put a stop to this menace once and for all.”

“Gee willikers!” Exclaimed the tiny Sunset. “Who ever could this awful pony be?”

“They have not posted their name just yet, and they are rarely seen. But knowing sist- Princess Celestia, it is without a doubt that they would be of a greater concern than this DMX thou speakest of.”

“This sound serious. I won’t get in your way, but finish this soon. I can’t strike against DMX until I have enough of a force to take on whatever he has to throw at me.”

“Do not fret, citizen,” Machinegun Mare then turned around to see an empty rooftop. “Oh, well goodbye then.” She then went back to her beginning position prior to Trixie’s intrusion to focus on a very serious matter.

“I swear on my sister’s name, I shall get you Cake Crook! Your reign of pastry-based terror shall come to an end! On my watch, not a single cake will be stolen ever again!” She shouted to the night, in a very very serious way.

Chapter 4: Babs

A very familiar train stopped at a very familiar platform, accompanied by a very familiar pathetic puff of steam before coming to the very familiar stop it had once before and let off a very VERY familiar young filly. In all honesty, had the Cutie Mark Crusaders been there, it would’ve basically be the same as ever, but despite this, it was similar enough. Still, Babs Seed couldn’t exactly expect much of a welcoming party given her rather sudden arrival.

Given pretty much everything else was the same, she assumed that the way to her cousin’s house was the same way as usual. And so Babs hiked up a big sports bag, which seemed awful heavier than it was before, and she set off to Sweet Apple Acres.

“So what’s this contraption you’re buildin’ again?” Applejack asked DMX, as she handed him a spanner.

“Yo, nigga, it’s my bike.” DMX was face-first deep working with the fine details of a motorbike, tightening any and all parts. Funny enough, being knee deep in hay in the barn didn’t seem to impede his surprising progress.

“I get it, but what's it supposed to do?”

“Shit, anyone who’s a Ruff Ryda gotta have a bike. The hell you think the kids are gonna think when I go around without it?”

“Well, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle seem to think pretty highly of ya, so I reckon this here’s a bit of foolishness.”

“I know the kids love me, I do this all for the kids, but kids these days are a bunch of lazy cats who ain’t knowin' their ass from their elbows. I show up on this ride, and they’re gonna wanna build one themselves and be productive and shit.”

Applejack tapped her chin for a moment before speaking. “That’s some fine thinking there, but I got two things that might put a dent in your plan. One: From what I know about Apple Bloom, she’s usually off with her friends playing around trying to get her cutie mark, so she’s doing pretty well on her own.”

“Yeah?” DMX stood up and appreciated his masterpiece.

“And two” Applejack pointed right at the aforementioned masterpiece. “Does it have to be made out of dogs?”

DMX looked at the bizarre amalgamation of nuts, bolts, and pitbulls before nodding. “Yeah, because you put a pitbull in a ring against a horse and my dog’s gon’ come out on top, so dogpower’s better than horsepower.”

Failing to find a fault in his infallible logic, Applejack sighed and resigned to accepting this sentiment. This was additionally good, as the two were interrupted by a little red haired ruffian.

“Sup, youse guys know where everypony’s at?”

Applejack turned to see one of her more frequently appearing relatives, Babs Seed, standing in the middle of the barn doors.

“Well howdy there, cos!” Applejack trotted up to her cousin and gave her a pat on the back. “What brings you on down to our neck of the woods?”

“My folks back home says I gots ta leave for a bit because there’s this real heavy stuff going down. Some bald guy who I guess is a chef because he keeps on talking about cooking and his sidekick who calls everyone a ‘bitch’ have been literally paving the streets with crack. Speaking of, youse gots a brush I can use to clean my hooves? I think I’m getting a secondhoof high.”

“Sure, I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.” Applejack said as she began to scratch at her head under her hat. “And you know you and your kin are always welcome, but what’s this crack you’re talking about? Did an earthquake happen?”

Babs scraped her hooves against the hay laden ground in anticipation. “Well ain’t that a thing, you don’t know what crack is yet? Hold up a sec, I think I gots some picture of me next to a crack-angel.” Babs set her bag down and opened it up, and immediately a huge hill of vaguely blue crystals erupted into a mountainous shape inside the bag.

“Ah what the hay! Darnit, somebody’s turned me into a mule!” Babs shook her head and gestured at the huge pile of methamphetamine.

“Anyways, this is crack.”

Immediately DMX flared his nostrils and practically floated on over to the bag by the power of his scent alone. Standing right next to it, he took in a big whiff of cat-piss vapors and began to get really excited. “Ah shit, I hear you cats talking about crack, but then you bring out this good shit? Shit, dog, you been holding out on me.” He then clapped a hand with one of Bab’s hooves and shook it. “You a’ight, nigga, you heard?”

“Uh,” Babs said, trying to back away. “Yo, Applejack, who's this freakazoid supposed to be?”

“Oh, pardon. This is DMX. While we're on it, you know what this stuff is?”

“Damn right, you feel me? Man, this is some real good ice. Fill a nigga’s pipe up with this shit and he’ll be in heaven and fuck for hours. I mean, I’d have to taste it myself but I’m trying to clean up my act for the kids, you hear? But shit, I mean, this has gotta be some of the best damn speed I’ve ever seen, that I don’t gotta taste it, I’m getting high off my fucking eyes!”

“Fill a pipe?” Applejack said, mostly to herself.

“Yeah dog. Listen, I gotta back the fuck outta here because I feel myself slipping down already and I can’t let that happen. So I’ll see you in the house, you dig?”

“Alright, seeya inside.” DMX then hurried off to the the humble Apple family abode.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna leave my stuff here. You know, I wouldn’t wanna bring this junk inside the house. Nice talking with ya.” Babs then followed after DMX, mostly to unofficially interrogate the strange person for just what in the hay he was. Thus, this left Applejack. Alone. In the barn. With a big bag of meth.

“Fill a pipe, hmm?” Applejack mused to herself. Alone. With a big bag of meth.

Chapter 5: Departure

The front of Ponyville city hall was filled shoulder to shoulder with the many citizens of the town, on yet another occasion to observe/protest some matter or other. This time, however, their meeting is of a greater importance than anything they have ever discussed before.

“Thank you all for gathering here today to help stop the evil menace that has been wrecking havoc. For anyone who knows where it may be hiding, please alert us immediately. While we’re on the subject,” Said Mayor Mare. “To present ourselves on the monster, we have Fluttershy to give us a rousing speech before we go out to hunt for this monster.” She then shuffled off to the side with a pitchfork in tow.

Fluttershy took the spot in front of a podium and addressed the crowd. Though not one to favor events such as this, and certainly not a fan of taking center stage, Fluttershy mustered the courage needed to assume this much needed duty. “Thank you Mayor Mare. Now, I’m not saying we should do anything violent.”

“Yeah, we shouldn’t do anything violent. We should do everything violent!” Shouted a member of the crowd, followed by much rabble rousing.

Pressing on, Fluttershy continued. “Anyways, he might not know what he’s doing. Nobody even taught him how to read. He’s more like a bear or a hydra or a chimera.”

“You hear that? He’s like a monster. He’s going to kill us all!”

“No, no! That’s not what I mean! He may look scary and he may be darker than the Everfree Forest and he may drink all the cider we have in town and he may have committed a lot of crimes against us all,”

The crowd began to murmur amongst themselves, having apparently not been aware of the cider draught.

“Also, I know he probably confused a lot of ponies and made them uncomfortable and have strange feelings for one of your friends that you can’t share because you’re afraid of what would happen if you told them and you’re afraid they’ll reject you and then things will never be the same again between you two and so you’re left to spend the rest of your days, lonely and always wondering of what could have been, and, um,” Fluttershy looked down at her notes. “Oh, sorry everypony, please don’t hate me but I think I got sidetracked. Ah, here we are. Anyways, it’s not a good idea to burn down where he lives.”

The crowd’s discussion began to dim as they conceded to this. “Yeah, besides, it’s not like we even know where he lives.”

“Oh!” Fluttershy perked up. “He lives over with Applejack at Sweet Apple Acres just down the road.”

Immediately the crowd raised up their farm tools and torches and began to shout. “Let’s get him!” And with that the crowd marched towards Sweet Apple Acres, all thanks to that flying yellow racist.

At the farm, DMX was sitting on the porch and looked up at the star filled sky. He wasn’t even being profound, he was just staring up as he is known to do, on account that there’s pretty much jack all to do on this crazy place filled with a bunch of gay horses.

His peace, however, was cut short as he saw a whole bunch of pitchforks and torches. He stood up on the porch of the farmhouse and waited until they were practically on his step to see that the crowd holding these were the same bunch of gay horses he was thinking about before.

“Ayo, ya’ll niggas forget the white hoods and shit?”

“We’ve come to slay you, monster!” Said at least one pony from the crowd, or at least that was the general sentiment.

“Sleigh? Shit, you cats know about Christmas?”

Before an argument over semantics could be had, the entire group was startled by a stumbling across dried grass that approached.

Lumbering with surprising speed was a dreadful husk of a creature neared. It’s skin was a pale mess which matched up to its still rotting mouth from which it spoke. It was disgusting, it was sickening, it reached into the deep chasm of the soul and stunk it with the rank odor of effluvial gri- Oh good god, it was Applejack.

“Howdy folks, anybody got some crack?”

Everypony turned to see the shambling, once proud Apple Farmer. Silence enveloped the crowd before one of the more wise members of the mob shouted “He turned Applejack into a zombie! Get them both before they kill us all!”

The mass of hooved assailants charged forth as DMX swiftly ran at Applejack and picked her up, using all the power of a forty-year old black man, which surprisingly was enough to race ahead of the crowd. With Applejack in tow, DMX hurried to the barn and mounted his secret pitbull-motorbike and sped away into the distance.

“Pardon, pardon pardon pardon.” Applejack whispered into DMX’s ear. “Ya’ll got any crack? Ah need crack.”

DMX shook his head to himself. “Nah dog, you don’t need no crack. You need to get yourself fixed, a’ight? You’re slipping hard, and I ain’t gonna let that happen.”

“Well where we goin, and does it have any crack?”

“We’re going to the one place where there’s more clinics than puddles of bum puke,” DMX sped up the bike and headed to the nearest train station. “We’re going to San Andreas.”

"San who what?" Asked AJ in confusion.

Pinkie Pie stared at the sleek counter-top, sighing in boredom and tapping it's surface slowly in a dead-paced decent into that feeling you get when you have nothing to do and Mr. and Mrs. Cake are away while the Cake twins won't stop playing with your tail and Gummy is attempting to nom you. It's infuriatingly depressing.

She was all alone. Everypony else had left for some ton meeting or something, and Sugarcube Corner was practically empty. She sighed a deep, sorrowfully boring sigh. Everything was so grey.

"What to do..." She heard a rather sudden hum of a motor fly by outside. It sounded kinda like... pitbulls?! Pinkie shot out of the door, wanting to see what made the noise, and if it might be interesting or not. She saw a cloud of dust, followed by what looked like a mob of her angry neighbors.

"Wait for me!" She was about to run, when she felt cold metal slam into her at high speed. Before she knew it, her face was stuck to the bullet proof glass windshield of the Batmobile, staring straight at Trixie, Sunset Shimmer perched on her shoulder.

"Why are you upside down?!" She asked confused. Trixie looked at the pink mass now flattened against her windshield, with a dumbly shocked expression on her face. She dismissed this with a simple press of a button on the dash board, which activated the window wipers that swept Pinkie aside like the splattered carcass of a bug. Then, Trixie went petal to the metal. The chase was on...

Pinkie ran after the bike, managing to catch up by simply bounding in her usual way. She looked over to see one of her best friends and the dark one riding on a motorcycle made of what seemed to be pitbulls. Applejack looked over at Pinkie and opened her mouth to say something.

“CRAAAAAAACK.”

DMX looked over at the surprisingly speedy Pinkie “Yo pink cat, we gon’ outta this place. Meet us in San Andreas if you can make it.”

"Wait! Let me come." Pinkie hopped onto the back of the Pitbike optimistically. AJ looked at her with those bloodshot eyes, twitching a little.

And like that Applejack, Pinkie Pie, the Pitbike, and a very black man were all gone from Ponyville.

They pulled over in the Pitbike, next to the train station.

It wasn’t too long before they, plus Pinkie, all arrived at the local train station, only to find the last train out of Ponyville was already leaving and was far ahead of the group, and the mob of perturbed Ponyville citizens were closing in.

“Shit, train’s outta this bitch!”

“We can still make it, silly. Follow the train, CJ! Whoopsie, I mean, DMX.”

And DMX did indeed follow the train, yet the Pitbike could only go so fast. They managed to lose the mob, for a moment, but if they didn’t get this train then surely they’d run out of fuel and be in big trouble.

Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo were gathered near the train tracks near Ponyville, yet again. Never would it dawn on them that, maybe, being near a place where tons of steel pass by going at fast speeds might be a bad idea. But then again, they were also fiddling around with a makeshift ramp near the tracks so bad ideas seem to come naturally to them.

“Alright, now this time let’s try and not make the train fly off the tracks. Got it everyone?” Sweetie reminded her two companions, who nodded.

“Totally, now let’s hurry up. Time is, uh, whatever cutie marks are made of!” Scootaloo tapped her hoof eagerly on the handle of her namesake scooter.

“Hey, do ya’ll hear something?” The two little fillies looked at Apple Bloom for a minute before their ears perked up.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“What is it?”

“I think it’s barking, or one of those fancy, smancy engine thingamajigs.”

Then they all turned around and saw the train followed closely by Apple Bloom’s sister, Pinkie Pie, and that strange black guy who hung around Apple Bloom’s house all riding on some strange machine. They wigged out. Hard.

“Yo, fitty, hit that ramp!” Shouted Pinkie Pie into DMX’s ear.

The three fillies dove aside as the motorcycle ran up the ramp, launched off, and landed right onto the train. They heard a loud crash and crushing of metal and wood, and by the time they looked at where the group landed the saw nothing.

“Did you guys see that?” Scootaloo asked to the two nodding companions. “That was”

“Dangerous?”

“Weird?”

“AWESOME! Let’s all copy that!”

Oh yeah, kids, don’t try that at home.

DMX brushed off bits and pieces of smashed debris of metal and wood covering him and he took a seat in the isle, much to the chagrin of about a dozen passengers on the train. Going through the roof wasn’t necessarily his first plan, but it worked out just fine.

Pinkie and Applejack recuperated fast enough, and Applejack soon joined DMX in a neighboring seat and went on to dream the dreams of methamphetamines. She would not sleep well.

Pinkie Pie on the other hand was bouncing up and down. “That was great, let’s go again!”

So all in all, everything seemed to go off just fine. They were away from the mob, they were on a train that was leaving out of town and headed to San Andreas, and Applejack would finally get the help she needs. Nothing could possibly go wrong at this point in their lives.

The Batmobile in all-terrain mode was a sight to behold, but not a sound to hear. It's silent engine was so stealthy that it could not be heard over the rattling of the train. Trixie turned her masked head to the little Sunset Shimmer, who nodded, and without another word, began to climb to the roof of the Batmobile. Trixie pressed a blue button on the interface, which launched a cable with a rather tiny tactical harpoon at the end from the top of the Batmoble. It hit the metal surface of the train with a clank, Sunset tugged on it to make sure it was secure. Upon discovering it was, she slipped on her hood and radioed in to Trixie with the nearly microscopic ear peace lodged to her hood.

"Testing, testing, this is agent Shimmer, code name 'Rad Dawn', do you repeat Show Stopper?"

"Loud and clear, Red Dawn. Over." Replied Trixie, confirming that the connection was functional.

"Show Stopper, this is Red Dawn. Initiating reconnaissance sortie in 1300 hours, mid-western time." Sunset Shimmer spoke into ear piece, slipping the rest of her mask over her mouth and putting on her holographic eye piece, checking through the thermal and infrared visions to make sure they were working.

"Copy that, Red Dawn. You may begin sortie." With that statement, Sunset climbed onto the cable, running along it like a tight rope. She jumped off, landing on the metal surface of the roof of the train, silent as the wind.

The cable disconnected from the Batmobile, flailing in the wind created by the speed of the train. The Batmobile slowed to a stop, the train passing it by nearly a mile.

Sunset climbed through one of the open windows of the cabin, sliding down the curtains gracefully. She landed on the window sill, making not even a sound. She looked up to see that nopony in the cabin had noticed her yet, so she quickly dashed behind the curtains to keep it that way. She peaked out from behind, panning across the cabin of numerous passengers, and, sure enough, there was her target.

"Show Stopper, come in."

"Loud and clear, Red Dawn."

"I have confirmed that the target is on board the train, and he has two aliases, I'm taking pictures now." She snapped photos with her holographic display head gear, sending them to Trixie.

"I ran them through the system, one is Pinkamena Diane Pie, the other AJ Smith. Both Elements of Harmony." As she said that, Sunset took a mental note that the orange one seemed intoxicated.

"Copy that. I will see you soon, master Bruce. Radio silence until I report otherwise, over?"

"Over." Sunset shut off her ear piece, climbing down to the floor and stealthily approaching what appeared to be the target's luggage. She climbed inside, getting cozy in the sports bag. She remained silent. This was going to be a long ride...

Chapter 5: Arrival

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