Stuck In The Middle of Nowhere
Note: This is an excerpt of what I wrote down on the Author's Note section at the end of Luna's Speed Dating Experience.
"In that case, I have no other choice. Twilight! You, and your friends may do as you please. Don't let me stop you."
Seven ponies unleashed their destructive might unto my apartment.
"Oh crap!"
In a matter of microseconds, my apartment was thrown into chaos.
Pinkie had messed up my figures. Marcus, Dom, Master Chief, and Commander Shepard was having a manly discussion on which of my diecast cars would best suit them. My Godzilla figures was now fighting ponies. An army of Battlemechs started a campaign against my Lego Star Wars Figures. I was thankful that Pinkie didn't scale-....No don't think about it, she might just read your mind and do it. I don't want my apartment building destroyed under the weight of all those kaiju, mechs, and ponies.
Rarity and Celestia had scattered my clothes everywhere to try out Earth fashion. Rarity was now wearing my "Tetris Made Me Smart" shirt while Princess Celestia was wearing a "Hello, My Name Is Inigo Montoya! You Killed my Father! Prepare to Die!" shirt, which somehow magically changed its print into a "Hello, My Name is Celestia! You Shipped My Sister With A Rock! Prepare To Suffer
Fluttershy was inside a pillow fort huddled up with my pony plushies.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were on the LeXBoX trying their best to play with controllers designed for human hands and not pony hooves.
Twilight was manically pressing every button, and flipping every switch she could find, all the while shouting "For Science!"
Suddenly I noticed Twilight coming upon something that should not be pressed.
"WAIT TWILIGHT!! THAT'S THE MAS-----"
“----SCULINE......................Never mind.”
We found ourselves in a place devoid of everything. What confused me was that I could still see everyone properly.
Twilight seemed to be stuck in a time loop. Her hoof kept pushing the non-existent button in front of her, all the while saying “For Science!” in a frantic manner.
“Leave it to Twilight to go crazy in a time like this” I thought.
Celestia stood frozen in place, stunned by what she saw, or more likely what she didn’t see.
Pinkie Pie had a nervous expression on her face.
Fluttershy was crying. Even her sniffles were...Calm down dude! Calm down! Don’t get a seizure!
“I’m never going to see my animal friends again!” cried Fluttershy.
I couldn’t resist.
HHNGGG!!!
THUD!!!
l fell over, and then realized something.
I felt nothing.
Rainbow Dash rushed to my side, checked me for any injuries, and helped me up. All those crashes at least taught her something.
“Next time ArcaneLexicon, don’t write silly stories about Luna, Pinkie, or Celestia. Things like this never happen in awesome Rainbow Dash Stories.”
“I don’t know how to write awesome stories, Dash. That’s RoyalRainbow’s job.”
The soft patter of hooves on plastic caught our attention.
Rainbow and I both looked to Applejack. She was still sitting there, trying her best to press the buttons and manipulate the joystick on my LeXBoX controller.
“Hey AJ, what do you think you’re doing?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Well, sugarcube, seeing that I ain’t good on sciency stuff, am doing what ah do best. Am Sitting here, and hoping to Faust that this here controller still works. It might not work, but if it does, am probably kicking your flank back on ArcaneLexicon’s planet!” replied Applejack.
“HEY! NO FAIR!” Rainbow rushed back to her side and started to frantically push any button she could.
I smiled at the two rivals and looked around to see Rarity on her fainting couch.
I felt a hoof tapping my shoulder, and turned around to see Pinkie. Her mane hung limply, and tears were welling up in her eyes.
“Uhm, Arc, did I just.......Do I need to....” Pinkie sobbed.
I threw my arms around Pinkie, and hugged her. She did read Pinkie Pie’s Trial after all!
“No, Pinkie, everything's okay, and there’s no need for that. You didn't break anything.”
POOF!
I felt the life flow back into Pinkie Pie and she kissed my cheek.
With a blush on my face, I asked her if she could go whack some sense into the stupidest genius in Equestria.
Pinkie walked over next to Twilight and reached into her pocket and grabbed the biggest, baddest, nastiest looking hammer that I have ever seen.
Even in this nothingness, Pinkie has access to her hammerspace. I wonder how she does it.
Pinkie raised the sinister looking hammer. She then looked at us with an evil grin on her face.
“One lump or two?” asked Pinkie in a sing-song voice.
“TEN!” was everybody’s reply.
With all her might Pinkie swung her hammer.
It stopped mere microns away from Twilight’s head. Pinkie then lightly tapped Twilights noggin ten times. A sound, like that of a tiny glass bell, filled the emptiness.
We saw lines of text on Twilight’s eyes. We were unable to read what it said, but we were pretty sure that her operating system had indeed recovered from the “Infinite Loop-Divide by Zero meets ID-10-T error.”
Twilight then stood up, closed her eyes and spread her forehooves wide. We were flabbergasted when she started sparkling.
“Bell-“
In an instant, everypony dropped what they were doing. The ponies rushed Twilight with their respective weapons pulled from hammerspace, and started bludgeoning her. It was a pretty amazing sight. Pony on pony violence! Now, we were getting somewhere.
Celestia, thanks to being goddess of the sun, was using a neutronium-unobtanium alloy maul. It didn’t look as menacing as the other weapons, but its power lay in its mass...No more “mass” jokes, she’ll probably hammer me next....Wait! I’ll probably like getting hammered! Hey Celestia if you can read my mind, you can hammer me, and you can nail me all week long!
Applejack was using a bec-de-corbin. This weapon had a long staff with a hammer attached to one end, which allowed blows from longer distances. With its reach, it was also a wonderful tool for picking the last remaining apples off an apple tree.
Rainbow dash was using a flail, using her speed and momentum to propel the head with bone smashing force.
Fluttershy, due to her pacifistic nature, was using tonfas, which was a more defensive weapon. She was swinging away like mad though, so it would undoubtedly smash Twilight to smithereens.
Pinkie had somehow gotten Mjolnir from the thunder god, and was now using it along with lightning bolts to shock Twilight back to her senses.
Rarity had a diamond encrusted mace which looked more for display than use. The way she was smashing Twilight with it meant that she probably hated this Twilight with unholy fervor.
The good thing is Twilight will feel nothing after this, that is, if she’s not reduced to nothing.
After what I thought was about thirty minutes, the beating stopped, and the ponies fell to the floor, exhausted. I walked over, picked up
Fluttershy’s tonfas (just in case) and checked on Twilight.
Her eyes had a green glow on them and I read “Twilight 5.0.7B Loading...97% Complete.”
I told everypony to relax and that the worst was over.
“What does- What does Twilight 5.0.7B mean?” asked a spent Celestia.
“Don’t worry Princess. It means Twilight, fifth season, before any episode, character build seven, beta edition.”
“Good! Also, your thoughts distracted me during the fight.”
“Sorr-“
“Don’t apologize. Find a way to get us out of here, and I’ll ignore it” Celestia answered angrily.
We heard a groan coming from Twilight as she slowly gathered her senses.
“Where am I? And why do I feel like I’ve been regurgitated by the universe?” asked a puzzled Twilight.
“Well, in your manic attempt to pursue everything for science, you pushed a button which you were never, ever, supposed to push. Because of that, here we are.” I replied
“IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!?” screamed an aggravated Twilight.
“No Princess Obvious, we are actually in the middle of nothing.”
Princess Celestia looked up and asked. “Care to explain Arc?”
“Yes darling, I can’t seem to follow you” added Rarity.
“Well, you see, we are in the eigth dimension right now. I don’t know how many there are exactly but what I do know is that the first dimension is restricted to up and down. The second one is left and right. The third deals with depth. The fourth, is your position in space. The fifth deals with time, specifically your place in time when you occupy any of the dimensions. The sixth deals with entropy, how much chaos or order is in an object. The seventh deals with comedy and irony, since what happens in life can either be comedic, where we all get a good laugh, or ironic, where we all get our sarcasm. This eighth dimension deals with everything and nothing. Everything can happen all at the same time, or nothing happens. Presently, we seem to be stuck way out here where nothing is.”
Twilight had that fawned look in her eyes.
“I love it when you talk science, Arc! So what did I press?”
“You pressed my Masculine Yttrium powered Mistake Erasing Space Shifter.”
I heard a stifled moan. Twilight was blushing, probably having multiple orgasms after hearing all that science talk.
In a seductive and sultry voice, Twilight asked “What’s the acronym for it, Arc?”
“I call it, M.Y.M.E.S.S.”
Twilight came closer to me and rubbed her muzzle on my groin.
“Once we get back,” Twilight said dreamily. “I am going to rut the knowledge out of you. I will leave you an empty husk, a plaything for my scientific desires. However, you have to tell me first why there is no “P” in your acronym, Arc.”
“The “P” is running down your leg Twilight, that’s why.”
“Its not-----!!“
Twilight fell over, as if a fuse had exploded inside her head. The lavender screen of death strikes again.
I checked Twilight’s eyes just to be sure that the earlier mess wouldn’t happen, and I breathed a sigh of relief after seeing “Twilight 5.0.8A...Loading 88%” on her eyes.
Celestia stepped in. “Care to explain what this "M.Y.M.E.S.S." does, Arc?”
“It’s like a time machine. Whenever I say the wrong thing when I pick up women, it allows me to go back in time. The bigger the fuck up, the further back in time I go, giving me more time to recover from any physical pain, and more time to try a different approach. However, this is a “MASCULINE” Yttrium powered Mistake Erasing Space Shifter. It-“
I was interrupted by a moan from Twilight. After hearing the word "Yttrium", her sub-conscious mind was giving her another orgasm.
“As I was saying. The problem is Twilight is a mare, not a stallion. When she pressed, it I think it teleported us back to before time existed.”
Something rare happened: Fluttershy spoke. “So how do we get out?”
“Well, it’s pretty easy actually. But I’m going to need a few things from all of you. And can one of you please wake up Twilight?”
This time, it was Applejack who woke up Twilight.
“Good now that everyone is awake. Here’s what you’re all going to do.”
First up was Applejack.
“AJ, If ever I go mad with power, you have my permission to knock some sense into me.”
Applejack smiled. “Am sure that Kicks McGee and Bucky McGillycuddy would be happy ta oblige.”
Next was Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow, I need you to keep the skies clear for that week. No cloud cover or anything. Got it?”
Rainbow Dash saluted. “Yes sir, ArcaneLexicon sir!”
“Rarity, I need you to make a suit for Doctor Quack. Also, when you go to the treehouse to take his measurements, try to act as if he forgot the date for the whole thing okay?"
Rarity’s face lit up at the possibilities.
“Fluttershy, would it be possible for you to send some termites over to the treehouse where Quack lives and have them tear up the place? Just enough to have him work and drenched in sweat by the time Rarity arrives?"
Fluttershy squeed. I took it as a yes.
“Pinkie, I need you to make a Pinkie Promise. I want you to promise me that you stay clear of that area. Doctor Quack and his 'date' will need privacy.”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
I saw Twilight recover from her earlier meltdown. So I called her over.
“Twilight” I kneeled down in front of her. “I have something very important to tell you. It is the answer you have long sought for. The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.”
I could hear Twilight breathing heavily. Her ears were twitching to and fro. Eyes wide open and her mouth slightly agape. Her body was ready.
“It's not forty two. It's actually four zero four” I whispered.
Once again Twilight seized up and fell over.
We all laughed heartily.
“I could do that all day, but for now we need to get out of here. As for you, Celestia, I’ll talk to you once everyone is gone.”
Celestia shook her head. “How are you, a human, going to get us out of here?”
“Promise me you’ll say yes to my request, Princess?”
Celestia just rolled her eyes.
I fished my smartphone from my pocket, and started writing some letters on the screen.
Pinkie gasped.
“Arc!!! How did you know?!?!How-?!?!”
Celestia shut Pinkie’s mouth with her magic.
“I have no idea what you are doing, Arc. If you are just trolling us, then I promise you that you will feel unimaginable pain.”
“Like I said princess, we are on the nothing side of this dimension, all I’ll feel is nothing. I’m also done trolling. I’m just waiting for the reply.”
I could feel Celestia’s anger growing. With a menacing growl she asked me “What did you do, Arc?”
“I sent in a request by writing down a few letters.”
“And what did you write down exactly on your smartphone?” said an irate Celestia
“IDDQD” I answered
“And what does that do, ArcaneLexicon?”
She was using my full name now, which meant trouble.
Suddenly, my iPad popped out of nowhere.
With a grin, I answered in the most deadpan manner I could “It turns God Mode on, Princess.”
I started typing on my iPad.
And with a few keystrokes, Arc teleported everyone back to their homes.
Twilight woke up inside her castle and found a note beside her bed. Written down was Arc’s request for her.
Make sure nopony goes near the library when Rarity goes there
Twilight had no idea why she accepted. It seemed an invisible hand was guiding her. She just chalked it up to fate.
As for Celestia, she was teleported back to Arc’s apartment, where she was kindly asked to help clean the mess and leave a few bits so Arc could buy new LeXBoX controllers.
After the mess was cleaned, Arc asked Celestia to go inside his bedroom.
“I am so going to regret this” said Celestia as she facehoofed. “I hope to never facehoof myself again on his next stories.”
So, Celestia, about that request. Are you-“
Celestia once again facehoofed.
“I know! You want my permission for Doctor Quack to appear in a mature rated story! YES!” screamed Celestia.
“What was that, Princess? I couldn’t hear you over the noise of your screa-“
“DOCTOR QUACK CAN STAR IN A MATURE RATED FIC!!!” roared Celestia.
I stopped recording on my smartphone. This needed evidence after all.
I shook my head to stop the ringing in my ears.
Celestia stood there, fuming, angry, irate, vexed...Words could not describe her rage.
“Princess, for your info, I turned God Mode off when I went inside my bedroom. Anything you do here is of your own free will.”
Celestia answered by flaring her nostrils.
“Since you’ve read my note to Twilight, I was supposed to ask you if you were free on the following days on this world?”
“By your request, I am supposed to say yes to that question. So, Yes.”
“Ok, so any chance we can go out on a date on those days?”
“After setting up Luna with a Rock, causing Twilight to crash her brain numerous times, and all the nonsense today, you expect me to say yes?”
“I expect you to at least consider, Princess."
Celestia felt something strange. She sensed a disturbance in the universe, but all she could think of now was cake. Sweet, delicious, creamy, mouth watering cake.”
“Verily, I doust say Aye to thine request upon the condition that thereth be cake and thy cake tis not a lie!.”
Well that was weird. Maybe Celestia acted like that when she---------
“Okay, me, human. Will. Pick. You. Up. See. You. Then. ”
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Author's Note
“God Mode has now been switched off. Enjoy your day, Princess Luna!"
That was fun! It was easy to distract Tia's thoughts with cake and to use the human’s God Mode against him. Now I just need to “inspire” him to write that story. Maybe I should turn on God Mode again and turn him into a hopeless romantic! Hee hee! But that would be cheating. Oh well, it’s now your job oh fans of Doctor Quack! I have done what I could to ensure that the mature rated fic goes off without any problems whatsoever! Stay tuned.
