In Which Twilight Sparkle cannot solve a riddle
Flames danced across the sky in a frenetic display of power and fury. The sky was tinged by the red glow of burning buildings, only to be obscured by the impenetrable clouds of smoke.
She stood on a hill nearby the village she had once called home, watching as her rampage brought the end of the lives and loves she had known. It had been the hardest decision she had ever made, something her conscience knew: after all, it was tearing her heart to pieces. Had it really been necessary to go this far?
A twitchy smile snapped across her features like a bolt of lightning, and a soft giggle escaped her lips. Of course it had been necessary, of course it had been. They had refused her the answer. Not just any mere answer, oh no, but the answer of all answers- the key to everything. To life and love and happiness and contentment and peace and harmony and solutions to infinity. It had been more important than anything she had ever done, but they had denied her.
So she thought back to the moment when it had all begun. The time before things had come to an end, when life was so, so sweet…
Her bouncy steps across Ponyville were unmistakable, as well as her trademark frizzy mane. Pinkie Pie in full Joy Mode was not an uncommon event, but one that could bring a contented sigh to even the most cantankerous of souls.
The reason why was simple; meant joy was coming. Pinkie Pie’s infectious happiness brought life to Ponyville in a way no one else in all of Equestria could replicate. She had long accepted her duty to bring smiles to everypony, a duty she relished with a pure fervor. Even if she had to work at it, she never ceased for even a moment.
Roseluck peered from over her watering can, watching as Pinkie Pie hopped cheerily down the main road of the village, wondering where the party pony was headed off to this time. She paused for a moment, half-wondering if it wouldn’t be a good idea to follow her and join in the fun. It was a pity she had all this work to do. The garden wouldn’t tend itself.
At the moment, Twilight Sparkle sat in her castle, resting as she read a book on ancient pony cultures. She had discovered the book by accident a short time ago and had been spellbound by the intricacy of the old world. She had half a mind to write a letter to Princess Celestia for her a recollection of her own memories during the era.
She might have actually gotten up to begin writing that letter if there hadn't been a knock at the door, followed by a loud Bang! as Pinkie Pie bounced her way in, humming a pleasant tune under her breath.
“Pinkie Pie!” Twilight said, lofting herself off the ground with her wings and setting herself down so as to greet her friend. “You startled me, crashing in like that!”
“Oops, sorry, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie replied. “I just thought I’d come by and say hi. Whatch’a up to?”
Recovered from the sudden surprise, Twilight picked up her book and showed it off to her hyperactive friend. “I know it’s probably not very interesting to you, but it’s a book on ancient pony civilization. It’s all about the lives of ponies in early Equestria, before even Discord had come and caused all sorts of trouble!”
“Oooh!” Pinkie Pie said, peering at the cover intently. “Anything interesting?”
Twilight peered over at her notes- two rolls of parchment’s worth, and just for the first four chapters. “I’d say so.” Turning back to her friend, she asked, “So what brings you here today, Pinkie Pie? Just visiting? Would you like something to drink?”
“No thanks, I came over to ask you something.”
“Sure, what do you need?”
Pinkie Pie giggled mischievously. “Oh, I don’t need anything. I wanted to ask you a riddle.”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but her face wore a smile nonetheless. “Sure, Pinkie Pie. What is it?”
Pinkie Pie dashed away for a moment, pausing to check the nearby window- then another, and another. She peered out into the hallway, slamming the door. After she had checked every nook and cranny, she returned to Twilight, her upper mouth now covered in a mustache –where she had found it, Twilight didn’t know- and stood stock still in front of the princess.
“A thief,” she began, her voice dripping in dramatic tension. “A thief stole a precious diamond, but was being chased after the royal guards. The thief sought for a place to hide his stolen treasure. He found a cave with white mountains.”
Pinkie Pie stared right into Twilight’s eyes, the pink pony’s penetrating gaze boring deep into the purple alicorn’s soul. She had never quite felt such an awkward, overpowering gaze. Finally, Pinkie Pie spoke again, her voice now a trace of a whisper:
“Where did the thief hide his stolen treasure?”
Twilight thought hard for a moment, needing some time to recover from Pinkie Pie’s awkward stare. She tried to think, perusing her mind for her readings on caves. Grottos, solutional caves, primary caves, glacier caves, fracture caves, anchialine caves…
Twilight froze. Her eyes went wider than wide, her legs became like beams of solid rock. Any breath of wind that had managed to find its way through the closed doors and windows went suddenly still.
“Well..?” Pinkie Pie inquired chirpily, not realizing the hellish storm beginning to brew inside of her friend. “Wanna take a guess?”
Twilight finally managed to unhinge her mouth from the cement that had glued it together. “I don’t know,” she managed to say, her voice fainter than a whisper.
For the first time yet, Pinkie’s smile faltered. “What was that, Twilight? I didn’t quite catch that.”
“I don’t know,” Twilight said more audibly. Every word tore at her throat like they were shards of glass cutting her skin. She had solved countless mysteries, seen history be made with her own eyes, fought villains and nightmares beyond imaginations, but this riddle… this riddle had become the end of her.
Pinkie Pie backed away slowly, a look of sheer shock etched in every line of her youthful face. The gravity of the situation was beginning to sink in as she realized that, perhaps for the first time in her life, she knew something Twilight didn’t.
Nirvana could not begin to describe her joy in that moment. A thousand gleaming suns in all their brightness could not manage to come close to the ethereal glow she felt within. It was as if every whit and whim of nature, of existence itself were fed by her beck and call. If this was not what it felt like to be a god, nothing else could come close to this heady euphoria.
“Can- can you give me a hint?” Twilight asked, almost pleadingly. “Something I could think over?”
Pinkie Pie shook her head, a gleaming smile holding its place on her features. “Nopey, nopey, nopers, Twilight!” She answered. “I’m not saying a word, my lips are sealed!”
“Please?” Twilight said, shuffling forward as Pinkie Pie wheeled about. “Please, I’ll do anything! Just the tiniest hint? Anything at all?”
“Nope! Sorry, Twilight, but rules are rules!” Pinkie Pie said. “I’ll let you think it over for a bit, though!”
Twilight sat there as Pinkie Pie left the castle and trotted off happily, not a care in the world.
Not knowing the devastation she had left in her wake. Not knowing that she had left one of her closest friends broken and desolate, inconsolable and adrift in the great roaring seas of despair and misery.
Not knowing that Twilight Sparkle could not solve this riddle.
Twilight sat there in her misery, puzzling over that riddle for minutes upon end. She tried repeating the riddle to herself, putting the emphasis on different words every time she said it, but no matter what she did the result was the same- the tragic lack of an answer that Twilight Sparkle so desperately needed.
She heard the swish of a broom sweeping the floor in the nearby kitchen, a gentle whistle as Twilight’s faithful dragon friend was doing his usual round of chores. He was at peace, she thought, not disturbed by the thoughts of an unsolvable riddle-
“Wait a minute,” she said to herself suddenly, leaping into the air. “Of course! I can ask Spike, maybe he knows!” With a new spring in her step, she made her way into the kitchen to find her oldest friend sitting atop a stool, putting back the dishes.
“Hey, Twilight, do you need anything?” he asked, noticing her appear over his shoulder. “What was that slamming noise I heard earlier?”
“Oh, just Pinkie Pie coming to visit,” Twilight said airily, trying not to betray her tension. “Say, Spike, you want to hear a riddle?”
“Sure!” Spike replied, jumping down from the stool and coming to stand in front of Twilight. He waited patiently as she repeated the riddle back to him, smiling in confidence all the while.
“Now, where is the diamond?” Twilight finished, her heart beating rapidly with every second. Soon, she would know the answer to this confounding riddle…
“Oh, that’s easy,” Spike said brusquely. “The thief hid the jewel in-”
“SPIIIIIIKE!” said a shrieking voice that pierced the two friends’ ears. Twilight looked out at the window and felt her heart sink as she saw Pinkie Pie atop a strange whirligig, her normally bright demeanor replaced by an intense gaze. “Forever!” she hissed, falling slowly back towards the ground as the last ‘r’ slipped into the air.
Spike bowed his head in embarrassment, backing away from his oldest companion. “Sorry, Twilight, she’s right. I did Pinkie Promise not to say to anyone.”
“What? When?” Twilight demanded.
“Umm, just a few minutes ago,” he answered cautiously. “Pinkie Pie came in through the window and told me not to tell. I didn’t know it was that big a deal, I swear!”
Twilight gave an exasperated cry of profound disappointment and fled the room at top speed. Maybe, just maybe, she could find someone in town who knew the answer before Pinkie found them.
Spike simply stared for a few moments as he watched Twilight disappear, then shrugged, and went back to putting the dishes away. “Wow, she is going to be so mad when she finds out the answer to that riddle,” he muttered.
A few hours later –just a few hours? It felt like a lifetime ago- Twilight had come to find herself trapped in an unreal Hell, a nightmare void beyond reason and hope.
She had asked literally everyone in town, and no one would say the answer to the riddle. No matter where she went, the specter of Pinkie Pie followed, ensuring that the secret was never told. “Forever!” was the eternal, constant hiss that wormed its way into Twilight’s brain. She was beginning to hate that word.
She soon realized that with everypony having been forced into the sacred Pinkie Promise, she had no choice but to find the maker of that very promise- Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked tremulously, pushing her way into Pinkie Pie’s room above Sugarcube Corner, finding the frizzy mare sitting on her bed, engaged in a small game with her pet, Gummie.
“Oh, hi, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said enthusiastically. “Have you solved the riddle?”
Twilight felt herself twitch suddenly as she crept toward her tormentor, that vile demon disguised in a gauze of pink. “Pinkie Pie, I don’t know the answer to the riddle. I really don’t. Can you please just tell me so I can get back to my book?”
“Sorry, Twilight, but the answer’s still no,” Pinkie Pie replied, turning back to her game with Gummie.
Twilight got to the floor and beseeched her party pony pal, begging for the answer.
She pleaded.
She cried for relief.
She entreated.
She implored.
But the answer was always the same.
“Sorry, Twilight, but I’ve got to go,” Pinkie Pie said suddenly, bouncing away. “Later, Twilight!”
But Twilight wasn’t one to give up that easily. She dashed after Pinkie Pie and practically yelled, “Please tell me!”
“Nope! Sorry, Twilight,” Pinkie Pie said brightly.
Pinkie Pie walked towards the confetti store, intent on buying a new supply. She had been running low. She looked up, expecting to see the typical vendor, but there stood Twilight instead. “Tell me that answer!” Twilight demanded furiously.
“Nope, sorry, Twilight! Well, if you’re here, guess the confetti salespony isn’t here. Bye, Twilight!”
A few minute later, at the crafts store…
“Please tell me!”
“Nope, sorry, Twilight!”
Sugarcube Corner:
“Pinkie Pie, please tell me!”
“Princess Twilight, you’re standing in the cherry jubilee!” Mrs. Cake cried in dismay.
“Nope, sorry, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie replied, bouncing up to her room.
Pinkie Pie’s closet:
“Pinkie, I will sell you my bucking soul for the bucking answer to that bucking riddle!”
“Nope, sorry, Twilight!”
Twilight gave a scream of decisive agony, collapsing to the floor in a heap of tangled mane and dirty hooves, worn down by an entire day’s hard walking. She had come to the end of her tether, the end of the sum of all her existence. She had nothing more to give. The Tree of Harmony could do nothing to help her. Not Princess Celestia, not any of her friends, not herself, not anyone. She had failed.
There was only one thing left to do, to prevent this failure from ever reaching the outside world: Burn everything.
That was how Twilight came to be standing on this hilltop. She watched as the last of the flames burned away Ponyville, as the ashes faded and were swept away by the wind.
The royal guard would be here now, to capture her and end this madness. She would have to go soon, lest she be captured. There was only one thing left to do.
She erected a sign she had hewn from a nearby tree and slammed it into the ground, etching words into it: I couldn’t solve the riddle. She walked away from her old life, into the wilds of Equestria, never to be seen again. Perhaps this was her punishment-
“…And that’s when she collapsed on the floor! Pinkie Pie said worryingly to Applejack, who was examining Twilight with care.
Pinkie Pie had summoned Applejack and the others the moment Twilight had fallen, worried that their dear friend had finally lost it for good. The thought was an uncomfortable one, made worse by the strange giggle and occasional odd phrases that slipped out of Twilight’s mouth.
“My stars, she certainly looks worse for wear,” Rarity remarked. “I do hope she’s alright.”
“And remind me, she freaked out like this over a riddle?” Rainbow Dash inquired, seemingly split on deciding whether to laugh or be concerned.
“Yeah, and that’s when I asked for you all to come,” Pinkie Pie answered.
Applejack shook her head wearily. “Well, she should be fine, but let’s hope she doesn’t remember that riddle when she wakes up. Why didn’t you just tell her, Pinkie Pie?”
“I can’t, it’s Official-Not-Tell-The-Answer-To-A-Riddle-Day!” Pinkie Pie protested, pointing to the calendar on the wall where she had indeed scribbled those very words onto today’s date.
Applejack whistled wistfully. “What was the answer to the riddle, anyway?”
“Oh, the thief hid the diamond in her mouth. A cave with white mountains!” Pinkie Pie answered.
“Huh. You’d think Twilight would figure that out. Oh well, let’s get her back to the castle. And no mentioning that riddle again.”
Everyone nodded and trudged off as Applejack went off to Twilight’s home, the princess across her back. Spike wandered behind her disconsolately, muttering to himself, “She’ll be so mad when she finds out the answer to that riddle.”
Author's Note
A random WTF story for whatever reason I came up with earlier today.
Welcome to what my mind does for no good reason. Trust me, I've thought of way worse ideas.
No, don't ask for examples.
