Somewhere Along the Lines of Evolution Came This

by Philosophysics

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Anthro
Length: 2487

Twilight and her friends are about to meet one of the strangest beings alive.He's a bit of a sociopath though... that engineered the bodies that they have today.He seems to be a nice enough fellow.Bit ruthless.Welcome Alex Mercer, Displaced Prototype

I was really lazy going to Kawaii-Con. I dressed up as Alex Mercer. If that's not lazy, I don't know what is. If you find that insulting, you didn't let me finish.

I got the hoodie, the white shirt, and long pants. That's it. I didn't even get any weapons of any sort. I only brought the really cool Alex Mercer sword to fight off some crazy guy with a buster sword.

I make people angry a lot. Which explains how I got stuck in a statue for a couple thousand years. At least I left behind a little present.

Take that Discord.

I… just wish I had time to say good bye though. To the many people I wronged all those years ago. The only thing that remains is a dark, nagging voice at the back of my head.

You talking about me?

… I was simply asking at that point, wasn't I?

Eeyup!

Sigh. But Life is full of constant ups and downs, and all I ask for is redemption in the end. And if I can't find it, I'm going to make it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-23 04:00:06 UTC

Chapter One

In Which I Win Some and I Somewhat Mess Up My Chances Of Winning Some More

I stand in my statue. I decidedly look badass in a slightly crouched position, hoodie up, and staring straight forward with murderous intent. I have been standing around here and people just forgot about me. They used to be ponies, but I decided that before I went I'd give them a few presents. Idly, I wonder what my statue is labeled as. Isn't that how it usually works? You do something bad, Princesses come along and blast you, you go for statue option, and then you break out swearing revenge of some sort?

Anyways, my statue is hidden in a corner. Vines have grown all over my body or rather statue. A few birds even dared to nest on my head. Very funny, Tia. I'll be sure to slap you. Wonder how the virus took you... Again, I wonder about whether ponies were really that nice? I mean, being stuck in a statue with sentience for a couple thousand years is not healthy for the healthiest of minds. I wonder why Discord didn't do worse. Any normal person would've done that.

Me?

I just want to learn how to play a guitar. That's what I've been wanting to do for a couple thousand years now. Rub it in the Princess's face that I have better finger dexterity than them. I suppose I could cheat and just steal a guitarist's memories, but that would involve killing him...

So I stand here checking out the flanks of ponies. Antromorphic ones that is. I sigh at the fact that they're all male. What were the criteria for breaking out?

Hey. Ahh... Either a fight breaks out and the emitting chaotic energy can be bent to your use or...

Hello, Discord. Are we still up for that promise I gave you several lifetimes ago? I could use a being of chaotic energy.

Yeah. Yeah. You promised if you could change the entire pony race, I have to do you one favor. However, did you change them? I simply must know!

I stay silent.

Fine. I'm setting you free!

Most people would be happy like that, but I'm Asian. Or used to be. Nevertheless! I can get myself a better way to get out of here. After all, we're statues. Eternity is nothing to an immortal.

I don't know. I think I like it here.

Oh well... I guess I can leave. Discord is withdrawing, already sensing my ploy. I keep calm.

But...

Yes? He's interested. Why wouldn't he be? I changed the fundamental body of the world's sentient races!

What say you and I have another gamble? Setting me free counts as a favor.

A giggling sound emits from the statue across of me. The unicorn stallions grasp their spears and point at it threateningly. What are the stakes, Mercer!? Hook, line, and sinker.

I make up with the Princesses. Not impossible and it's something that I actually want to do. He doesn't know that though.

... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's impossible! They'd sooner kill you before letting you speak! Oh! It's going to be so entertaining watching you try to make up with them! A snapping sound causes a unicorn stallion to call out,"Call the Princesses! Discord is trying to break out again!" A pegasus guard salutes and flies off.

They never even notice the flash from underneath all the undergrowth covering my statue.

Location: Throneroom

Time Unknown: Pinkie Pie Party Distort Time And Space(Seriusly, Heart of Gold landed there one time! Quickly left due to their not being enough Pan-Galactic Gargle Buster. Unknown to them, Pinkie Pie made one later. Berry Punch drank it. One Minute Later of Drunken Fist later, it was decreed that it was to be banned. To this day, the remaints are carefully locked away.)

A party is in full celebratory swing now. This is yet another party in the past few days, the "YAY! We beat Discord and now he's under guard for the next month, but we'll throw a party for the guards later, but let's have fun now and party like there's no tomorrow, because I had to make a reference to a pop song to meet my fourth wall breaking quota for the month for my monthly cult activities and because we're not going to be the toys for the plaything of some sort of crazy deity in the next two hours or so!" Party.

Nopony had any idea what it was about. They just knew it was a Pinkie Pie Party with Pinkie Pie Cupcakes and Pinkie Pie Drinks. Some went in the hopes of trying the legendary Pinkie Pie Pan-Galactic Gargle Buster. If you looked closely, you would have seen several invisibility fields, several time distortions, numerous space distortions, a couple of Notice-Me-Not spells, and one Somepony-Else's-Problem(Not to be confused with the Somebody-Else's-Problem Field) and one Somebody-Else's-Problem Field.

Princess Celestia holds a plate of cake in one hand and daintily bites a cake. Princess Luna stands next to her. "Sister, thou shouldn't eat so much cake!" whispers Luna hurriedly.

"Relax, I'm immortal! And besides we both have excellent metabolisms!"

This dissolves into an argument(Sisterly, there's a difference.)

Suddenly, a pegasus guard crashes into the private cake eating, seperate from the raucou party going on. He lands on the cake, unfortunately.

"My cake!"

Luna, who has become an otaku, cannot resist,"And thy cake was a lie!"

"Luna." Celestia says quietly.

"Yes, sister?" She says batting her eyelashes.

A blob of cake is shoved into her voluptious chest,"Shut up." Celestia loves cake. Her dietician wasn't going to let her eat cake except for the cheap flavorless imitations called (Shudder) diet cakes.

Celestia feels her sister's chest and then playfully gropes them,"Aww... Are you getting bigger Luna?"

"Sister," Luna moans,"The. The guard!"

The pegasus guard, who thinks that he would be okay with dying, shakes his head and shouts,"It's Discord! He's escaping!"

Celestia grows serious,"Tell me more."

The vines tickle. That's my first feeling after standing there. The vines tickle. They actually tickle. I grin. It's... nice to be able to feel again. After a couple thousand years of inaction, it feels so nice to MOVE again.

I look through the peephole at the guards. They haven't noticed the flash yet. I decide to celebrate my new found freedom by having my first meal in millenia.

The birds fly away to escape, but black tendrils snap them out of the air. I'm truly sorry, but this is the way of the world. Dog eat dog and all that. I bet the princesses thought they could cover me up with vines and hope that I would be a bad dream to be forgotten. I cannot be forgotten. I did leave lasting changes on them and their entire species! The vegetation truly is thick. I eat them and absorb them into my body, tracing them to their very roots.

I stretch and yawn. "Freedom!"

Half a dozen spears are thrown at me, only to pause right in front of my face, hovering in magical auras. "Halt!" A unicorn stallion, his hand in the universal position for stop, shouts.

I lazily step off the pedastal and blatantly ignore him. "Halt I said!"

Crouching down, I eat the vines covering my plaque. Wonder what it reads?

EVOLUTION

I freeze. The guards hesitantly step towards me. A chuckle grows to guffaws to full out laughter as I laugh at the plaque. "Stop!" The unicorn signals for the spears to be thrown at me.

Moving deftly, I dodge them. However, after I stop dodging, I realize the six spears were thrown in such a  way to pin me by the neck.

"Now..." the unicorn stallion sounds more confident now,"Tell me who you are!" Ooh... Trying to play bad cop now are we?

I chuckle darkly and say,"Aww.... Tia, did I really anger you that much?"

He backs away slightly. I decide to give a hook. To the princesses, it'll be a line.Assuming if the princesses don't already know that. "What's your name?"

The unicorn steps back again, but regains his bravado and shouts,"Tell me your name!"

"I propose a trade." His helmet covers his face, I want to see it now. "A name for a name?"

He mutters under his breath too soft to hear. I sigh," Acting childish now, are we Shining Armor?" His head flips up, just in time for me to cut off his helmet with my Claws. "I know the dangers of giving your name to people." I flip away from the remaining spears stabbing the place where I was just standing, landing on the wall,"But... We're friends aren't we?"

The white furred soldier with shades of blue orders,"All spears are to be thrown now!"Like that's going to help.

And lo behold, the spears are thrown. Idly, I step to the side and grab one with a mutated, black whip. Examining it, I find it's nothing fancy and simply utilitarian. " My name is", I flip the spear backwards and block the spears they've manipulated to coming back from behind me. I challenge myself to fight with simply the spear. Haing the ability to assimilate any knowledge and natural ability from any biological being tends to make me bored.

I block the first one and drive it into the wall."The Prototype!"

I hook the second spear and drive it into the third with a flick of the spearhead,"Changer of Life!"

I drop the spear I am holding and catch the fourth and fifth ones. "And among other things. But you may call me Alex Mercer."

Looking at their faces, doing that amazingly awesome feat of defensive spearwork was simply worth it. I idly recall in a universe away about a Hawaiian King. King Kamehameha the First, was it? He did that too. United the Hawaiian Islands too!Wasn't that our home? I shake my head. Damned statue, giving me migraines.

A shout draws me back to this world. The unicorn who took charge, admirably, runs a kamikaze charge with a sword raised above his head. Which doesn't make sense. Noble, but foolish. Actually, he's just stupid. What's the point of attacking a man on higher ground with a kamikaze shout?

I jump on his face, landing with a foot in his face. "How stupid are you?" I say coldly.Yes! Kill him!Ignoring that, I was getting some respect for him, but honestly charging straight up an unknown is not a good way to live. I hadn't even done anything remotely threatening yet.Except thoughts.

"Unhand him, Mercer!" A loud voice booms.

"Oh! Hey Luna!" I say in a chipper tone without turning around.. "You really need to get better guard training!"

"What do you want Mercer?" Celestia spits out the last part like a curse. The last part being my name.

I say in a calm, even tone,"May I ask what you want?"

A cold and to the point answer,"No."

I turn to face them. Ahh... The final products of the virus I put out long ago. Luna still has her blue fur and a starry mane(hair?), but now is more humanoid. Celestia is taller than me and Luna with white fur and a rainbow mane(Again, hair?) They both have weapons strapped to their backs and are in full armor, Luna's being silver and Celestia's being gold. Cliched, but it works.No, it's just cliched. I hold my head in one hand. It's a casual movement, but it's actually to help the migraine.

"How did thy escape thy prison?" Luna inquires wielding a large scythe.

I grin. I never smile. The last time I did, it involved screams of fear and terror. "Discord."

Luna charges forward. I simply throw Shining Armor at her. He's out cold. A foot to the face tends to do that. I say sardonically,"Catch him." I mentally kick myself after saying that. My goal is to win the bet! Not enrage the situation to the point where I have a bounty on me!Face it, you like being hunted. I must be really tired, I'm hearing voices for a while now.

I decide to leave before the situation deteriorates, but couple things first. Luna, however, does successfully catch the good Captain. Good. Stay there.Yes! Stay there!

"Why didst thy throw the captain at us, vagabond!?" Luna curses at me.

I pay her no attention, facing the plaque. Celestia speaks again,"You have three seconds before we attack you. Give us an explanation, now Mercer. Now!"

"Ladies and gentlemen." I say dramatically, cutting her off and showing off the tendrils of biomass around my body. "May I present to you, Alex Mercer! He's going to be around for quite a while, folks." My whips carve my plaque an additional letter.

I turn to them after I've etched an additional letter to my plaque."And may I say, folks, that he's going to be on this stage for quite a while." Before either of the sisters can react I stab Shining Armor in Luna's arms and inject a small piece of my virus into him. Why?

Boredom. Fear of boredom. I'm the top predator out there. Caught only by chance. I want to have the thrill of being hunted once more. That time of hiding from the sisters gave me a taste of excitement.

A blast takes place in my general area, courtesy of Luna. I jump on top of Discord's statue. Crouching I say,"Look after him. And..." A tight feeling occurs where my heart should be, but that's impossible. My body, clothes, everything is bio-mass. No heart should be there. I look up at the sky. So blue. Just like that day long ago.

"What?" Celestia says threateningly.

I still can't say it. Pride prevents me from saying so. I changed their entire world and only now do I feel this particular feeling. Give them a warning then. Yes. That's a good idea. "Watch out for Discord." I switch my sight to Magic-Sense. I got this upgrade after killing a cockatrice and combining the detail with DNA from somepony with synthesia. "The resulting chaos levels from our little skirmish have risen quite a it."

The sisters freeze. They obviously weren't expecting that.

"Adieu."

Lightening my density, I jump backwards out of Canterlot and dive down the mountain in typical parachuter format. All the while, this song playing in my head. It's funny how I shift moods so easily.

"I intend to live forever, or die trying. But what's a little fun without a hunter?" I level horizontal to the ground as I glide past the trees. I grimace as I analyze my past interactions though.

"I must be going crazy."

Oh, you have no idea. This time, it's undeniable. There is a fucking voice in my head.

With a surprised yelp, I crash into the one castle in the Everfree Forest. Honestly, I expected more of myself. Unconsciousness takes me.