Guinea Pig

Calvin awoke the next morning to a warm and lightly snoring Derpy beside him, a wing draped over his bare stomach, the grey feathers tickling his skin. He reached his arm out and scratched Derpy’s ear. She cooed in delight as her eyes fluttered open.

“Good morning my sweet muffin.” Calvin purred.

“Nice pick-up line there Mr. Suave” Darpy giggled.

“Hey, it worked didn’t it?” Calvin said, shrugging.

“You bet your flank it did.” Derpy giggled again.

“Hey, I’m gonna go shower and make us some breakfast. You ok with that?” Calvin asked the mare.

“Can you just stay here and cuddle for a few minutes more?” Derpy pleaded, her golden eyes shining in the sliver of sunlight that escaped through the curtains.

“Of course.” Calvin said.

After retrieving clean clothes and boxers from his room, Calvin entered the bathroom and turned the shower on. The hot water fell down on his head as he rubbed the suds of shampoo through his dark brown hair and rinsed. Calvin then heard a moan. Opening the shower stall door, he looked around the bathroom. He then noticed something purple against the white ceramic of the bathtub.

“Jesus Christ Sparkler! Really? Watching me shower?” Calvin said, exasperated.

She had been around for less than twenty four hours and already he was growing tired of her antics.

“What can I say, you are fairly attractive when it comes down to it.” Sparkler said, her head popping out of the tub as she clambered out.

“Just leave me be will you!” Calvin shouted, shutting the shower stall door once again as he resumed washing.

“Um, Calvin? Am I hot?” Sparkler asked.

“What the fuck did you just ask me?” Calvin cocked an eyebrow.

“Am I, or am I not attractive?” Sparkler asked once again.

Calvin had to think for a moment. She had her mom’s form and physical attractiveness, then again, he would also be her step-daughter if he did tie the knot with Derpy.

“Uh, sure I guess.” Calvin said half-heartedly

Suddenly, Sparkler jumped into the shower and started looking him over.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” Calvin yelled, now stunned.

“I’m examining you. I’ve never been this close to a human before.” Sparkler said.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Calvin grabbed the soaked mare by the flank as she let out a squeal of delight and surprise  as Calvin nearly flung her out of the shower stall.

Sparkler scurried off, not in anger but a look of excitement on her face.

“DERPY!” Calvin yelled into the hall.

Derpy trotted into the bathroom.

“What is it?” Derpy asked

“You raised a fucking perv!” Calvin yelled

“She was watching you shower?” Derpy asked.

“How did you? Wait, the screaming and her mad dash outta here?” Calvin asked, suddenly feeling stupid.

“Eeyup.” Derpy responded in a very Mac like fashion.

“Still kinda weird though.” Calvin added.

“She is in scientist mode, you’re a new species, she’s a biologist. Let it pass, I’ll keep her out of the shower though, that’s just wrong, only I can do that.” Derpy smirked at the last part.

“Oh you sly little devil you.” Calvin purred.

“Come on and put some pants on silly. We’ve got a storm to ride out.” Derpy said, leaving Calvin to change.

The sky darkened as Calvin picked up a book and sat down on the couch with Derpy in his lap.

“Whatcha reading?” Derpy asked.

“Some book on Equestrian mythology that Twilight gave me for my birthday. Human’s are in it quite a lot. I guess we were banished or something. I must be getting to that part soon.” Calvin said, turning the page.

“Well you’ll never get kicked out of my house if you keep loving me.” Derpy cooed, nuzzling deeper into Calvin’s chest.

“That sounded so cheesy” Calvin laughed.

“Compared to your pickup line this morning? That’s nothing!” Derpy laughed along with him.

“Mom? Can I borrow the human for a minute. I want to give it a closer inspection!” Sparkler called from upstairs.

Calvin was slightly offended at being called an “it” and having to be “inspected”, lord knows what that meant.

“Nope! Calvin is a he, not an it, and He’s mine!” Derpy yelled, looking into Calvin’s eyes with her sparkling golden eyes.

“Thanks sweetie.” Calvin mumbled.

“I like “love muffin” or just “muffin” Derpy said, giggling.

“I thought you said you didn’t like those cheesy pick up lines.” Calvin mocked offense.

“Yeah, I never said anything about nicknames” Derpy purred, propping herself up on his chest and kissing him passionately.

“MOM!” Sparkler called out once more.

Derpy broke the kiss.

“SPARKLER! MY ANSWER IS NO! HE IS MINE AND YOU WILL NOT INTERRUPT MY PERSONAL TIME ANY MORE!” Derpy almost screamed.

A faint whiney mumble was heard at the top of the stairs accompanied by a door shutting.

“Now, where were we?” Calvin asked, kissing Derpy before she had a chance to answer.

A loud crack of lightning startled the two lovers as they broke apart with a yelp.

Sparkler came tromping down the stairs as she held a notebook and quill with her magic.

“The human is startled by loud noises, indicating that he is no more a threat than a small foal.” Sparkler scribbled furiously as she whispered to herself.

“You know what, Derpy? I think I oughta just let Sparkler study me so she’ll stop interrupting us.” Calvin sighed.

Sparkler let out a happy squee as Calvin lifted himself off the couch and marched up the stairs into his room.

“So, what do you want to know or do to me?” Calvin asked the mare, an uneager tone in his voice.

“Can you strip down to your undergarments? I’m just gonna poke and prod you a little bit. I promise not to hurt you.” Sparkler said, a huge grin on her face.

Calvin sighed and did as he was asked and laid back down on the bed.

Sparkler poked and prodded away at his stomach, chest, and legs, keeping herself far away from Calvin’s junk.

“Turn over.” Sparkler said.

Calvin obliged once more as he rotated onto his stomach.

Sparkler’s bravery grew as she stuck a hoof into his butt. Calvin let out a small yell of protest but let her continue when she stopped.

Her process of poking and prodding and scribbling continued for what seemed like hours.

“Turn over.” Sparkler instructed.

Calvin was relieved for the end of the session.

“Wait just a moment. There is one last thing you need to do.” Sparkler said, stopping Calvin from getting up.

“What is it now?” Calvin asked exasperated.

“I want you to rut me.” Sparkler said, hooding her eyes.