The Big Game
By Alaborn
Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.
It’s 4th and 8 on the Indianapolis 26… this will be a 45 yard field goal attempt for Connor Barth. Colquit to hold… the kick is up… it’s good! Two seconds left in the half. The Broncos will go to the locker room trailing the Colts, 14-10.
“Woo hoo! Halftime means snack time!” Pinkie Pie cheered.
It was a cold, crisp January evening, the kind that most ponies preferred to spend indoors. From the vantage point of Twilight Sparkle’s crystal castle, the view as Princess Celestia lowered the sun was breathtaking. But the young princess’s friends were more interested in the football game playing on a giant crystal screen.
“I’m just glad the Colts were able to hold the Broncos to a field goal,” Rarity said. “I do hope this bodes well for the rest of the game. Right, Twilight?”
Twilight Sparkle smiled enigmatically. “I promised I wouldn’t tell.”
To most ponies, humans were mythical creatures, and programming about them was created by ponies for the entertainment of ponies. Their version of the popular sport of hoofball, renamed football for the humans, was one of the most popular of these programs. But the ponies known as the Elements of Harmony were among the few to know that humans were real creatures, with their own world.
Thus, they were aware that the football game they were watching was real, something that had occurred in the human world two days prior. Scried and recorded by Princess Celestia’s powerful magic, it was broadcast at a time more convenient for the ponies. While these humans spoke the same language and followed the same calendar as the ponies, by some quirk of dimensional reality, their Sunday was ponies’ Friday.
Rarity continued to watch Twilight Sparkle’s expression, hoping for some tell that would reveal the outcome of the game. Twilight Sparkle had made no secret that she had watched this game live with Princess Celestia two days earlier, but she wasn’t going to skip their weekend gathering, watching their favorite human football team play. And in the playoffs, no less!
Pinkie Pie soon returned with even more snacks. Potato chips, carrots and celery sticks, and hay fries were replenished, and everypony used the break to fill up and chat.
The mood in the castle grew tense as the third quarter ended with a Broncos drive into Colts territory. The Colts made the stop, and the Broncos settled for a field goal, trailing by eight. After a pair of three-and-outs, the Colts led a long drive that ate more than eight minutes off the clock, a field goal making it a two score game.
The ponies cheered, but dared not celebrate yet. Peyton Manning took the field, ready to lead the Broncos to a come from behind victory. He had two attempts, the first drive ending when C.J. Anderson was stopped just short of the first down, the second ending with a pass to Demaryius Thomas, stopped at the Indianapolis 23.
Seeing the clock reach 0:00, Rainbow Dash shot into the air. “All right! Best game ever!”
“Yay,” Fluttershy cheered softly.
“Glad to see the Colts pull it out,” Applejack said.
“The only way the game could have been better is if we had been there in person,” Rarity said. The others nodded in agreement.
Twilight Sparkle smiled. “I know you didn’t get to see this game live, but how would you like to see the AFC championship game instead?” She levitated six tickets in front of her.
“You serious, Twi?” Applejack asked.
Pinkie Pie zoomed up to the tickets, her eyes inches from the text. “She is! They even have those neato shiny things on them!”
“Holograms, Pinkie,” Twilight Sparkle said. “And the tickets have holograms because they’re authentic AFC championship game tickets.”
“I can’t believe Princess Celestia is finally letting us visit the human world,” Fluttershy said.
“I’m not sure what you said to the princess, Twilight, but I know you must have fought hard,” Rarity said. “So thank you.”
“Well, it wasn’t as hard as you think….”
The War Room. Deep within Canterlot Castle, it was where Princess Celestia would strategize with her top advisors and generals. Powerful magical devices allowed Princess Celestia to communicate with her armies and civilian leaders across Equestria.
But since Equestria was at peace, the room was repurposed. Its communication devices reached across the barrier of the universe, focusing on a world with one sapient race, one like ponies in so many ways, even to the extent of thinking up a world of talking ponies. One day, Princess Celestia said, she hoped to contact this world, and open up diplomatic relations.
That’s what she said, Twilight Sparkle muttered, as she joined her mentor in the War Room. Looking at Princess Celestia, dressed horn to hoof in blue and orange, including her favorite Peyton Manning jersey, Twilight Sparkle doubted that the primary purpose of watching this football game was to learn about the ways of these humans.
“Come, sit down,” Celestia said warmly. She extended a plate to her. “Nacho?”
Twilight Sparkle shook her head; the nacho cheese sauce Celestia preferred was as hot as her sun. “Thank you for the invitation, Celestia,” she said. “I’m really looking forward to this game.”
Celestia looked over Twilight Sparkle’s choice of attire. “I see you still have much to learn about football.”
Twilight Sparkle used her magic to adjust her Andrew Luck jersey. “I’ve already learned much about football, and I’m looking forward to seeing the best young quarterback play for many years to come.”
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to invite you to watch the game with me next week,” Celestia said. “I will be opening the portal to the human world and watching my Broncos play for the AFC championship in person.”
“Oh? And what if they lose?”
“I hardly think that’s possible.”
“Yes, I know Peyton Manning is perhaps the greatest quarterback of all time. And the Colts defense is suspect, and Andrew Luck hasn’t proven he can win the big game. So you’re right. They’re probably not going to win.” Twilight Sparkle paused and gauged her mentor’s reaction. She was smiling, the way she always did when somepony acknowledged her wisdom.
The game started, with the Colts lining up to receive the kickoff. Princess Celestia was focused on the game, so Twilight Sparkle struck. “Well, since you’re going to open the portal anyway, if the Colts win, would you allow me to take my friends to see the game instead?”
“Oh, sure.”
“And Princess Celestia is a mare of her word,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Actually, she’s a mare of many words, quite a few of which I heard her utter for the first time during that game.”
“She wasn’t happy?” Applejack asked.
“I think she was trying to make a solar flare on the human sun,” Twilight Sparkle replied. “Anyway, we have a lot of work if we’re going to visit the human world. Tomorrow evening, you’re all coming here to practice being a human.”
The others groaned.
The evening of the AFC championship game, five ponies gathered in the throne room of Twilight Sparkle’s castle, chatting while waiting for the castle’s princess to arrive.
“So what are you looking forward to most?” Applejack asked. “Other than the game, of course.”
“I want to see everypony, er, everybody cheering!” Pinkie Pie said. “So many humans, all gathered in one place. I never dreamed I’d see a party that big!”
“I do admit that the energy is incredible,” Rarity said. “But I’m hoping for a little people watching. Perhaps I’ll catch sight of the fashions worn by that lovely mare… woman that other quarterback is married to.”
“Yeah, the other quarterback,” Rainbow Dash sneered. “I’m looking forward to seeing Tom Brady get pounded by the Colts!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Gotta agree with you there, Dash,” Applejack said. “’Shy?”
“Oh,” Fluttershy said quietly. “I’m just looking forward to spending time with all of you, and maybe trnthfd.”
“What was that, dear?” Rarity said.
“I, uh, want to try the human food,” she whispered.
“Oh? Anything in particular?”
“Well, many of my animal friends like fish, and I’ve always wondered what it tasted like.”
“Oh! Oh! I want to try human soda!” Pinkie Pie said. “I heard they had weird soda flavors, like coke and sprite. I didn’t even know sprites had a flavor!”
“Yeah. I’m going to have a hamburger,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Come again?” Applejack said.
“Yeah, back when I was in Junior Speedsters’ flight camp, Gilda always rubbed it in my muzzle when she ate chicken. I can’t wait to tell somepony that I ate cow!”
“You won’t be telling anypony about what you ate in the human world,” Twilight Sparkle said as she walked into the room. “Again, this is a secret trip, and we’re not going to violate Princess Celestia’s trust in us. But this conversation is a good segue into our pre-trip preparations.”
Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat and pulled out a scroll. She paced around the throne room in what everypony recognized as her lecture mode.
“While it’s not first on my list, let’s go over food. We’ll be in the human world for several hours, so we’ll want to eat. Fortunately, there will be many places to buy food. It’s up to you to decide what you want to eat. My only advice is to listen to your human bodies. If it smells good, you shouldn’t worry about eating it.
“Second, money. You all have some bits?” Twilight Sparkle saw her friends nod. “Yes. Humans don’t use bits, but since Star Swirl’s Fourth Law of Interdimensional Travel says that value cannot be created or destroyed when transferring dimensions, your bits will be transformed into the local human currency, which is made of a thin cloth that resembles paper. It will be the same value as the bits you’re carrying. And before you ask, no, there’s nothing wrong with the spell; the prices you will see for the food are going to be high.”
“Like five bits for a bag of popcorn at a Wonderbolts show?” Rainbow Dash offered.
“Exactly,” Twilight Sparkle replied. “Now, clothes. Rarity?”
“All ready, dear,” the unicorn said, levitating over a trunk. “Not my finest work, but you did emphasize fitting in over looking fabulous. And having taken all your human measurements, you will at least find these clothes comfortable.”
“Yes. Now, let me cast the transformation spell. Let me know when you’re ready.”
The others groaned. They had all gone through the transformation during their practice run earlier in the week, but that didn’t make them look forward to it. Twilight Sparkle’s mastery of magic made the transformation spell painless, but it couldn’t stop the feeling of wrongness.
“Ready,” Fluttershy said. The others nodded.
Twilight Sparkle concentrated, magical energy collecting in her horn until it glowed. Then she fired, sending the spell into her friends’ bodies. The powerful transmutation magic reshaped their bodies. Legs stretched and twisted in unnatural ways, hooves flattened and split, tails and muzzles shrank. Once the spell finished, the five mares turned women shakily stood on their hind legs, or rather their only legs, and got used to their new bipedal stance.
“This is so weird,” Pinkie Pie said, flexing her new fingers.
“Clothes first. Inspect your bodies later,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Remember what I told you about the nudity taboo.”
With Rarity’s and Twilight Sparkle’s instruction, the new humans got dressed.
“So many layers,” Fluttershy said. “What’s the thick garment?”
“We won’t have our coats, so we need clothes to keep us warm,” Twilight Sparkle said. “And we’re going to be outside, in a place almost as far north as the Crystal Empire, and without pegasi or magic to keep the temperature at a tolerable level. And, coincidentally, the thick garment is called a coat.”
“Twilight, dear, I did notice you bringing in a garment box of your own,” Rarity said.
Twilight Sparkle smiled and opened the box. “Yes. I decided we needed to wear jerseys.”
“All right!” Rainbow Dash shouted. She reached in and pulled out a #13 T.Y. Hilton jersey.
“Yes, that one’s for you,” Twilight Sparkle said. She was not surprised that Rainbow Dash was a fan of the young and fast wide receiver.
For herself, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie, she had a #12 Andrew Luck jersey. Rarity knew the #87 Reggie Wayne jersey was hers. “A lady appreciates the classics,” she said. That left Fluttershy’s jersey, #4.
“Vinatieri? Really?” Rainbow Dash said.
“The placekicker is an important yet underappreciated part of a football team,” Fluttershy said.
“I think she just likes older stallions,” Applejack said. Fluttershy turned away, blushing.
Rainbow Dash turned to Twilight Sparkle, who was still in her natural form. “How come you haven’t changed yet?”
“I still need to create the portal,” she replied. “And I’m not going to trust using magic of that level without a horn. Once we cross dimensions, I’ll transform. And please don’t forget to bring my clothes with you.”
“On it!” Rainbow Dash said.
“I don’t get it, Twi. Why aren’t we using that mirror thingy?” Applejack asked.
“Curiously enough, the mirror portal doesn’t go to the human world, or rather the real human world,” Twilight Sparkle said. “The humans in that world are approximately 2.4% pony. And they don’t have the football teams we’ve been watching all year.”
“Then what’s the point of a world like that?”
“I really don’t know.”
Twilight Sparkle looked over her friends. She marveled at how, despite their human forms and narrow difference in coloration, it was easy to identify which of her friends was which. It helped that their human hairstyles resembled their pony manestyles. But their personalities shone through, despite the change in outward appearance.
“Before we go, I need to remind you again about the great trust Princess Celestia is placing in us. This may not be first contact, but we are still ambassadors of a sort. It is imperative that we don’t cause trouble or attract notice. And we are also visitors to another team’s stadium. Most of the humans will be cheering for the Patriots, but remember that we all share a love of football.” She smiled. “That’s not to say we won’t scream like rabid manticores when Andrew Luck throws a sweet touchdown pass.”
Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going to initiate the portal spell. Everypony, stand back.”
Building on the combined work of two dozen gifted unicorns and drawing on the cosmic magic only alicorns can access, Twilight Sparkle fashioned a metaphysical tunnel between worlds.
It was dark. That was to be expected, as it was a room without windows and with one closed door, deep within Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts. The room was a large closet, really, and it would normally remain dark until someone opened the door.
But today was not a normal day. This room had been chosen as the terminus of a portal established by a young and eager alicorn from another dimension. At first, a faint humming filled the room. It grew louder as the air in the room started to glow, first a dim violet, then a brighter blue, finally reaching a brilliant white as the barrier between universes broke. The air pressure in the room fell as air rushed to fill the void between realities, exiting far faster than it could pass through the crack in the door. A wooden rack in the room shuddered, and a dozen footballs tumbled to the ground.
And then, five humans and an alicorn tumbled to the cold concrete floor. The portal snapped shut, and darkness returned.
Twilight Sparkle lit her horn, casting the room in a faint violet glow. “Is everypony okay?” she asked.
“Feel like I bucked the south orchard with my head,” Applejack said.
“The dizziness should pass soon,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“This place is a mess,” Rainbow Dash said. “Who left all these footballs on the floor?”
“That’s funny. The room was empty when I scried it previously.”
“Let’s put the footballs back on the rack,” Fluttershy suggested.
“Good idea,” Applejack said.
While Twilight Sparkle recovered from her spell, the others grabbed the loose balls. “Feels kind of squishy,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Are you sure you’re not just feeling your fingers?” Rarity said.
“No, I feel it too,” Applejack said. “It’s a little like an overripe apple.”
“Well, I’m afraid none of us have experience playing this game with footballs instead of hoofballs,” Rarity said.
“Twilight? Are you ready?” Fluttershy asked.
“Okay. Ready. I just need to….”
Twilight Sparkle was interrupted as a human man opened the door to the closet. He carried two mesh bags, one filled with footballs, the other empty. He stared at the five women and one alicorn.
“Don’t mind us,” Rarity said.
“Um, this isn’t what you think,” Fluttershy said.
“The balls were like that when we found them!” Rainbow Dash said.
The human, for his part, stared at the scene, dumbfounded. His expression grew even more confused after Twilight Sparkle zapped him with her magic.
“Twi! Don’t hurt him!” Applejack yelled.
The human blinked, and then filled his empty mesh bag with the footballs. Then he turned and hurried out the door.
“I thought you said not to create trouble!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Relax. I used a minor befuddlement charm on him,” Twilight Sparkle said. She concentrated, and her body transformed, rapidly taking human shape.
“What did you do?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“I’ll explain while we’re leaving. Help me get dressed. We only have a few minutes!”
The others were unsure, but agreed that they needed to get out of there. Moments later, Twilight Sparkle stumbled out the door, still trying to get her shoes on, as they looked for a way to get to the stands.
“Explain,” Applejack said.
“Like I said, it was a minor befuddlement spell. I surmised that human was there to pick up the footballs. He’s going to remember picking up the footballs, and then having an overpowering need to use the bathroom. That memory will crowd out what he actually saw. Even if he doesn’t forget completely, what he saw won’t feel real.”
“I guess that’s the best we could hope for, given the circumstances,” Rarity said. “But you do need to find a better portal location next time.”
“Noted.”
“Won’t it look weird that he took all those balls into the bathroom, and stayed there for several minutes?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“I guess. But really, who’s going to care?”
Twilight Sparkle found a staircase up, and motioned her friends to it. They climbed, and soon, they joined the tens of thousands of humans in the stadium.
“Who’s ready for some football?”
Author's Note
It was completely unexpected seeing the Mane 6 appear in a Super Bowl commercial, as fans of a NFL team. I think the Colts were the best choice, but there's an obvious argument to be made for the Broncos, too.
So that led me to think. Ponies watch NFL football. What does that mean? Well, let's start with some ponies liking the Broncos, and others liking the Colts. And let's get Celestia and Twilight Sparkle involved.
The result?
Deflategate. It's Twilight Sparkle's fault.
Spoiler alert: The ponies did not enjoy the game.
