Twilight Sparkle undercovers the secret Zionist Conspiracy to control equestria through Seditious Fashion

by TheBigStallowski

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Romance, Princess Cadance, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1662

Twilight Sparkle is one of the smartest mares in Equestria. THE smartest. In Equestria's darkest hour, can she find the truth to set her people free?

Twilight Sparkle, in all her scientific prowess, has been delivered the news of an attack upon her nation. To stop the relentless onslaught by one of Earth's most ambitiously dangerous radical factions, she must find the truth and expose their hidden masters' plans, before it's too late.

Taken place in the same universe as "BONERQUEST", "Spike Gets The Polio then has only 72 hours to Touch Rarity's Butt Before He Explodes", and "Vinyl Scratch becomes the best Alicorn Princess of all Alicorn Princesses in the history of Equestria"

Published 2015-02-10 01:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-10 01:50:03 UTC

ISIS Attacks

In Her Royal Highness’s royal quarters of Royalty, Her Majesty Twilight Venus Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were making out on the royal bed. Things were growing saucier and saucier as Twilight’s tongue worked her way in Rainbow Dash’s mouth.

Rainbow knew that Twilight was good. After having a TOTALLY REALISTIC fully sexual relationship with Captain Spitfire, she knew that Twilight’s tongue game was fucking on point as hell. And Twilight knew it as well.

Twilight Aphrodite Sparkle was a mastermind, according to her myer-briggs personality test (INTJ, motherfuckers). She knew the strengths of all the mares and stallions Rainbow Dash had been ~~shipped~~ in relationships with: Spitfire, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Gilda, Soarin, Scootaloo…

As the two slender, curvy mares pressed themselves against one another, Twilight massaged Rainbow’s stiff wingboners. Sweet Celestia! Her Royal Majesticness exclaimed internally, I never knew this mare’s wings were THAT thick!

But her eyes were on the prize. What was this prize you ask that’s worthy of the smartest and most royal princess in all of Equestria? Well, Equestria’s top scientist had spent years and years of secret, independent, undercover research onto finding the most sexually enticing thing in all Equestria. She’d been granted literally the best of magic and technology in Equestria to determine this, and all the money in the royal treasury to find it. And as Twilight read in this scientist’s conclusions, it was Rainbow Dash’s rump.

Who wrote this groundbreaking scientific publication you may ask? None other than Her Royal Highness of Majesty Twilight Lazerbeam Sparkle: author, researcher, academy award-winner, and the roller of the best rolled blunt in the world (tested and approved by Princess Alicorn Vinyl Scratch herself).

All of a sudden, the phone rang. Twilight Wolfgang Sparkle’s special phone, to be exact. The phone that even perfection could not deter from. However, if it was Pinkie Pie forgetting where she put her cake because the stupid bitch ate it already, Twilight swore it would surely mean the end of all ponykind as we know it.

Grabbing the phone with her ~~plot device~~ I mean, magic, she answered.

“Hello Twilight, I have dire news.”

Shit.

Fucking hell.

Not now.

Not fucking now.

It was Princess Celestia.

Twilight could LITERALLY FEEL Celestia dramatically staring into the distance as she spoke. “Yes, Princess?”

“ISIS has invaded Equestria. Look out your window.”

“No, I’m not staring into the distance.”

The two sexy mares in the bed could notice the distance quivering, likely because Celestia stared at it more intensely in reaction to Twilight’s remark.

“Twilight, it’s your royal duty. But seriously, there’s something else out the window that isn’t the distance.”

Before either of the mares could even look, they felt the building shake as they heard “ALLAHU ACKBAR!!” As the two mares looked outside, they saw a horde of Middle Eastern radicals wearing bomb vests, destroying all of ponyville. “What caused all this?” The Princess of ~~Booty~~ Friendship asked.

“Remember that stick figure Pinkie Pie drew when she was goofing off at your last meeting?”

“Wait, how did you know about— whatever. What about it?”

“Allegedly, she wrote ‘mohammed’ on it with an arrow pointing towards it.”

Twilight’s anger rose. Once again, Pinkamena Diane “Fuck Up” Pie ruined everything. Again. Why couldn’t the showrunners replace her with her sister? Why couldn’t they just replace her with Tom or Boulder? Both more competent characters…

As Twilight, the author, and the audience alike all went on in their annoyance at the Pink one’s incompetency, Celestia interrupted all of us.

“There’s one problem, though. As far as our best experts have uncovered, there’s no way Pinkie would’ve been able to spell Mohammad, much less anything that isn’t a goddamn pastry or a baked good.”

“Yeah, you’re right!” Twilight (joke redacted, assuming I don't redact this entire fic)

“ISIS isn’t working alone. It’s clearly the illuminati directing them.”

Of course. All the signs pointed to it. Dammit, Twilight! Our princess of science thought to herself, why didn’t I see it sooner!?

“Twilight, we need you to find the Illuminati field director. She’s in ponyville. I have to go, ISIS has begun its assault on the castle’s gardens.”

“The gardens? Why?”

“Dank is against their religion. It’s another reason why they’re here. Twilight, you must stop the Illuminati from destroying the dank, otherwise

Princess Vinyl Scratch will be useless to thwart the Illuminati’s master plans.”

Celestia hung up. The Dank Bank in Canterlot was likely in trouble.

“Rainbow, we need to stop the illuminati.”

“wut”

“RAINBOW DASH, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR ADORABLE LACK OF CLEVERNESS.”

“No seriously, what’s going on? I literally only got half of your conversation. Was it the plot of National Treasure 3?”

“omg ur so dumb”. And with that, Her Royal High Majesty Empress Twilight Custard-Taco Sparkle ran off towards the wall, pulling away a curtain revealing a map of photos. “Of course, I should’ve seen it earlier.”

“Seen what!?” begged Rainbow Dash, still woefully unaware of literally anything that was happening.

“THE ZIONISTS!”

“What!?”

“The zionists! A political movement within the Jewish faith! They’re obviously behind every conspiracy!”

Rainbow Dash jumped to her hooves, completely thrown off. “What’s a jew!? Who the hell are the Zionists!?”

“Oh Rainbow, you so cray. And there's only one jewish pony in ponyville...”

“WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!?”

“She’s obviously producing seditious materials to removed good Equestrian Values from our society, thus turning everypony into hedonistic slobs. It’s the only way ISIS would’ve been able to get through! Stay put. Quickscope anyone that gets too close to the castle.”
And with that, Twilight exploded into thin air.

…

Meanwhile in Rarity’s fashion place of dresses and shit (the extraordinarily dim-witted and xenophobic narrator will not allow himself to use the French word to describe Rarity’s building), Rarity was making her thrilly little dresses and shit, then TWILIGHT EXPLODED INTO THE ROOM HOLDING A SCOPELESS .50000 CALIBUR SNIPER RIFLE.

“I’M HERE TO STOP YOU, ILLUMINATI ZIONIST!!!” Screamed Twilight Danksplosion Sparkle at the top of her lungs.

“Twilight!? What… I… That’s incredibly offensive. I can’t believe you!”

“Rarity, you’re the only jew-“

“Twilight, dear, for the last time, I AM NOT JEWISH. And even if I was, that would NOT place me at the head of some Zionist conspiracy. You have to stop listening to Equestria First radio.”

Twilight knew something might be up. Rarity didn’t go into an evil monologue like she’d expected. New shit has been brought to light, it seemed to our Princess.

Rarity explained further, being one of the few characters of sound mind. “Before you 'quicksope' me,” Rarity rolled her eyes at the sentence she just had to use, “consider this idea: would it not require somepony with power and influence, over the media and otherwise to attract ISIS here?”

“You make dresses! They’re important to our society! Their principles are able to slowly indoctrinate—“

“Twilight…” Rarity began, “We don’t wear clothes. Ponies don’t wear clothes. The average Equestria spends 98% of their life naked.”

Twilight found herself panting, head lowered to the ground. “Facts… reasons… research… thanks, Rarity.” She stood up, facing her friend. “I needed the only other reasonably minded member of our friend group to help me. I’m sorry I called you a jew.”

Rarity decided to ignore the blatant racism in that statement for now. “Well… it’s a step further, I suppose.” The two friends hugged. Twilight got like, the biggest wingboner ever.

End—

The two heard the sound of a bolt being pulled.

Shit.

Twilight realized she’d dropped the sniper rifle.

Standing before them was Princess Cadence, wearing an outfit literally made out of triangles. She aimed the rifle right at the two. “Y’know, I expected Twilight to kill you, Enlightened One.”

“Better Enlighted than Illuminated, darling!” Yelled Rarity in her sexy, flowing, immaculate voice.

Cadence scoffed. “I see Spike has taught you well in the ways of The Kush. But it won’t save you now.”

“Will it?” asked Rarity as she chuckled. She put her hooves up to her eyes. “I knew you’d send an assassin to take me out. Luckily for me, you sent my own friend. For the master of the illuminati…” Rarity removed her hooves from her eyes. She’d been wearing white contacts the whole time. Her eyes were as red and bloodshot as Christmas ornaments. “I’ve been charging my power this whole time.”

“Of course!” Twilight exclaimed. “She’s been high this whole time, just waiting as her dankness level rose! She must’ve been getting exponentially more high for the past four hundred and twenty minutes!”

“What!? Impossible!” Yelled Grand Wizard Cadence as she began to back away. “Nopony could be able to survive that level of dankness!”

“Darling, I’m not anypony. I… am… RARITY!”

Rarity lowered her horn, and in a burst of dank arcana there was an audible bass drop. The laser so thick and practically composed of marijuana, creating crackling hit marks that hit Cadence as she blasted off from the force of the laser, Snoop Dogg saying “weed” for every hitmarker that continued hitting Cadence. She was then sent rocketing into space from the force of the laser, never to be seen again.
Rarity looked Twilight dead in the eyes and said “I’ve got dibs on your brother.”

“No problem!” announced Twilight excitedly in approval. “But what about ISIS?”

Suddenly in the distance, there was a nuclear danksplosion, the mushroom cloud that could only be formed by Enlighted Ones such as Rarity, Danklord Spike, or Princess Vinyl Scratch.

“That seems to take care of that little annoyance.” Said Rarity. “So, anything lined up for right now?”

“Nope! Happily announced Twilight. The two looked out into the distance, observing the growing danksplosion. Rarity put her leg around Twilight.

And then they did it.

Twilight went on to rewrite her Booty Thesis, showing that Rarity actually had the best rump. It was dubbed by the Equestrian Royals as “The Dank Flank” for the rest of time.

The end.