The Illegal Rights of Rainbow Dash

by Regina Wright

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, Dark, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 1493

It's not everyday that Twilight learns that Rainbow Dash is a supposedly licensed minster with a habit of appearing at funerals.

It's not everyday that Twilight learns that Rainbow Dash is a fraudulently licensed ordained minister who presides over the funerals in Ponyville. Her friend makes every excuse in the book on how she got the job but that doesn't explain why she keeps on doing or why she does it wrong! There's a certain way a pony is supposed to have a funeral and Twilight can't ignore the blatant violations and disrespect everywhere.

Maybe if Twilight could open her ears, she could learn that there's something worth listening to after all. But Rainbow Dash isn't making it easy, she's not a preacher.

She's more of a reaping kind of minister.

Published 2015-02-15 22:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-15 22:20:02 UTC

According to DISRESPECTFUL Twilight Know-It-All Sparkle Pants

It was with somber fanfare that Rainbow Dash stood upon her soap box. Speaking to the congregation gathered before her in a field plot rented to Sweet Apple Acres. The summer heat was picking up as the the sun itself took bets on the unfortunate inteendees, sweating themselves dry as they sat robed and cloaked in their finest colors. Rainbow Dash herself let a hoof brush against her sweating brow and tugged at the mask hiding her eyes and upper face. She was suffering the worse out of them, wearing a black cloak with heavy painted stones sown into the trail of the robe, glittering under the sunlight as she gestured along her speech.

Rainbow Dash was hardly paying attention to what she was saying. She'd blindly droned on about the material she wrote on the note cards scattered on the podium, noticing the bobbing of heads and the chorus of hums when she said something that agreed with them.

It was a typical service.

Then there was the tap on tin. A shrill sound spreading out as she turned her eyes to Caramel who arrived on scheduled, carrying along his iron stick and that large brown glass jug. He quietly got himself in position, sitting his jug next to where the set of musicians sat to the side, resting his jug between his legs and leaning down to get a better angle to blow.

It was time to wrap this up.

“Dearly beloved who have gathered here in the hectic time to honor-”

Rainbow Dash flipped through her note cards, eyeing her smudged hoof-writing with distaste and resorting to taking a innocent glance at the enlarged black and white photo of the deceased. And the name printed there along with the other signatures like 'missed greatly', 'great lad' and other heartfelt words ponies stole from holiday cards. That whole bit of 'death being thy great sting in mind and memories' did not come from Roseluck no matter how many swirls and heart dots she put down.

“Rainbow Dash, what do you think you're doing!?” The voice belonging to Twilight Sparkle, standing a few meters away and tilting her head with an audible crick as she stared. Probably lost into her own world as her tone sharpened. “Is that my...?”

“Sorry about the interruption, Minister. Keep on preaching the good stuff.” Applejack shouted, getting up from her folded chair and quickly crossing over to Twilight. “You're not supposed to be interrupting funerals or showing up like that.”

“Is that you, Applejack? Why are wearing those clothes and that mask? It's hot today. You could get a sunstroke.” Twilight said slowly, her eyes bouncing over the congregation as her face slid into a curious frown. “Showing up like what?”

“Twilight, you're naked!” Applejack hissed. “Don't you know how disrespectful that is? Showing up a blessed service like this in your birthday suit? I can even see your cutie mark!”

“But I always walk... Wait, that's not the point! Is that Rainbow Dash up there on stage with a casket and that picture? Isn't that my...?”

“Twilight, didn't you ever hear of holding your peace until the word is done? Let the Minister get through her service in silence or you can stand in the field across from here. I'll walk you myself if you don't behave.”

“I didn't do anything but okay. I'll be quiet.”

“-Golden Oaks Library,” Huh, she didn't know that. “for its many years of service and dedication to the community. A strong tree in the prime of its life, Golden Oaks was sturdy despite getting on with age. Always quick to give a shelter to those in need. Say like right before a unscheduled rainstorm or to duck a certain dressmaker when she was getting too pushy with her sowing needles.”

Soft laughter rippled through the crowd as the very same dressmaker huffed loudly and pouted. Rarity couldn't be that mad when it was true. She really should keep those needles to herself but Rainbow digressed.

“Golden Oaks shall be surely missed.” Rainbow said solemnly, silencing the few chuckles. She leaned forward and bellowed, her voice ringing far and clear. “His way has been lit. His way has been lit. Saints of the Ring, light.”

The congregation responded, their voices uniting, “And to the flames, burn.”

A sea of mourners dressed in the brightest robes and cloaks they had on hoof clapped and jeered, praising the flame that would always be lit. Reds and yellows. Purples and blues. All typical colors for a funeral but Rainbow frowned at the little details. The frills. The lace. The trim lining the hems and sleeves. Rarity had definitely been giving robes to the intendees again and that was the sort of thing to cause trouble. And she, Rarity the generous blow-hard, couldn't even be bothered to be cheap with the fabric. Free advertising, her left butt cheek.

Rainbow rubbed at the ache forming in her temples, she'll get Fluttershy to talk to Rarity for the umpteenth time that there are some things you couldn't skirt on by with. Then she called forth a moment of silence. The mourners bowed their heads, mumbling casual insults as they remembered the lost tree as it was tradition.

“Stupid tree. Gave me a nasty splinter when I laid against the bark that one time.”

“I always knew it was a death trap.”

“Good riddens, it was an eyesore. There's only so much green and brown a pony can take. Didn't even bloom flowers, the lazy jerk.”

Rainbow stomped her hooves. The sound of her soles cracking through the soapbox she stood on striking the air. She did it once. Twice. Then a third, smashing the box into pieces of splintered wood. The crowd grew quiet, their hooves imitating the process as they stomped their own seats into shards. Rainbow pushed the podium in front of her over, gently lowering it to the ground. Then she rose a single hoof and pointed downwards, scraping and overturning the dirt as she buried the box.

The funeral was over.

On cue, the rest of the gathered musicians; Lyra with her lyre, Bon-Bon on bells and Noteworthy with his flute began to play a despairing, crazed tune to the pleasure of the audience, leaning and wailing on each other. Caramel chimed in, looping along as he heaved on to his jug. Blowing hypnotic screeches that had Rainbow's tail swinging to the beat..

“I've been told refreshments was donated by the eggheads down in city hall and our running for re-election Mayor Mare. Casket viewing shall be from four to eight and hosted here. The final procession starts at sunset.” She stepped away, pulling off her hood and unstrapping her mask to hang around her neck. “And let me tell you in advance my schedule is booked under section two which states this girl needs to get some fuel in her stomach. Don't even bother trying to make an appointment. I'll see you later, everybody.”

“What was that?” Twilight ran right up to her, pushing a prodding hoof into her chest. Rainbow reflectively brushed her off. “Why are you having a funeral for my tree? It's been a whole two months and you didn't say a word to me. Is this a cult?” Twilight turned from Rainbow and shouted at the few still around. “Were you worshiping my tree? Planning to kill me in my sleep for being a non-believer?! You're the non-believer!? That tree did things to me!”

“Twilight, chill. I am a ordained minister belonging to the Ring and I was asked to hold a funeral for a beloved member of the community and blah blah. Honestly, you don't know how much requests I get to send this to rest or that to rest. I once had a kid so eager to be at my service that they tore their own stuffed animal to have a excuse to have one.”

“The Ring? What is the Ring?”

“A faith service that is very hush-hush... See look-” Rainbow dug into her cloak's dragging sleeves and pulled out a laminated card with her name and artistic rendition of her likeness. “-proof that I am a minister. Please don't steal it as I know you can't resist the awesomeness. I've already lost six this month.”

“But Rainbow, this is made out of paper and isn't this your hoof-writing?”

“Yeah, I know. I'm supposed to burn it emergencies should I need to deny my identity and allege- whosy whats.”

“Allegiances.”

“That's the one.” Rainbow nodded, giving Twilight a firm hoof on her shoulder. “Look Twilight, I got to get going less one of my patrons is going to bother me into hosting another funeral or bridal shower or whatever they can come with. Also I'm hungry. See ya.”

Rainbow Dash spread her wings and took off as Twilight's lingering words caught up to her.

“This sounds illegal.”