It was just another day at Canterlot Castle, and Celestia was sitting on her throne, pondering the day. As it turned out, her thoughts shifted to how she was quite lonely, but if you thought that this was her story, you would be sorely mistaken. One of the oldest rules from the book that was so old that it was invented before rules was that a princess could not have any active romantic interests in their life. It would upset the balance of power in the land and it wouldn’t be fair to Luna. The romance would lead to marriage and the creation of a new queen who would immediately turn evil in drunken power hysteria. Fausticorn said so. Instead Celestia had something better; the power to manipulate the very minds of ponies to do her bidding. This was the main device Celestia turned to in times such as this one, where her burrowing emotions uprooted her rationale and set her gaze out the window to the possibility of the fun havoc to be had beyond. Yes, Celestia was to the world as the four-year old was to a snow globe; careless and about to cause major destruction.
Before she set her soap opera into action, Celestia required a target. It was so easy in the past to just zap a pony and set the ball rolling. She recalled that one of her favorite tricks was to mimic her own situation by pairing against social norm and watch others suffer as she did. That was what she did with the abomination that Spike having a crush on Rarity was. Celestia pondered it to herself and came up with a solution to her wicked need to curb her rabid hormones.
“Yes...” she thought, for the plan she came up with was a divine plan indeed. Then, it came to her attention that today was none other than the infamous Hearts and Hooves day. It was the perfect setting for the perfect crime. There was no time to lose as Celestia dashed out, leaving Luna to deal with the royal duties herself. Disguised as a cloud, Celestia scoped the skies for one Rainbow Dash, the key specimen in her plan.
Rainbow Dash didn’t care much for romance. She never did. So looking upon this day, she saw through the guise of Hearts and Hooves day and simply saw a town overflowing with a thick sap. The sugary syrup spilled out of flower beds and oozed down store windows and stuck together as ponies got done tenderly slobbering on each other. Ponyville had a veritable itching with what would best be summarized as what a red lollipop is like before it hardens. Rainbow Dash would have none of it, so every Hearts and Hooves day she merely held back in a cloud and tried to sleep the day off. Not even the Wonderbolt’s aerial show of the Wonderbolts doing the signature triple-heart cupid pattern scheduled for that afternoon could arouse her interest. However, even as a rather out of place cloud approached her, Rainbow Dash still held true to the belief that nothing could influence her decided supremacy over the urges that plagued the ponies below.
Celestia, humming that one song from the Grinch, inched over to the cloud that Rainbow Dash occupied, snickering at her own deviousness. This was it. No longer was the time for long, complex descriptions, for it was time to get to the point, and that point was being to cause drama for the sake of entertainment. Celestia, with a crazed look in her eye, zapped the helpless Rainbow Dash! However, this job was only half done, as it took two to tango, so to speak. Celestia looked down and saw Fluttershy’s cottage, precisely where it shouldn’t be. Celestia, carrying the now trance-induced Rainbow Dash down, slipped over to the chicken coop. Now was phase two; to find a suitable chicken. Celestia poked her head in and started to browse the stock before spying a most marvelous specimen. The chicken was a gem the moment she laid eyes on it, and Celestia knew that she had found the one. After wrangling up the the bird, it was time make the connection to Rainbow Dash. Celestia then started the ritual.
“You, as commanded to you by your god, shall LOVE EACH OTHER,” Celestia said as she bashed their two heads together. Then, it was done and Celestia returned to her cloud to watch as insanity ensued. Fluttershy had seen the whole thing from her cottage window, but dared not speak up. Celestia stealing her chickens had become pretty routine, and Fluttershy was not going to question the will of the leader of all of Equestria. She merely decided to just shut her mouth and take one for the team. Fluttershy had learned in prison not to step out of line.
Rainbow Dash was gently pulled from her state in purgatory back to Earth to find a chicken in front of her. But this was no ordinary chicken. This was THE chicken. The chicken of her dreams. Had she taken a moment to think about it she would have realized that she hadn’t had any dreams of chickens prior to this, but being in love isn’t always about making sense. She tenderly lifted the chicken into the air and instantly felt all of her troubles melt away. Rainbow Dash took the chicken into town where the day seemed to go by in a montage, filled with buying heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, buying roses, buying tickets to the romantic movie that was showing, staring at each other after buying drinks and finally booking a table at the top deck on Twilight Sparkle’s house, which she rented out every year to young couples who wanted to gaze up at the stars. Rainbow Dash, with chicken in hand, knocked on Twilight’s door.
“Two please.” Rainbow said as Twilight answered.
“Um, what the fuck are you doing in the middle of the night with a goddamn chicken on my motherfucking doorstep?”
“Scootaloo is NOT a CHICKEN!” the chicken said.
“I don’t understand,” said Rainbow Dash, “We were just trying to book a table.”
Twilight sighed, “Look nigga, if you finna be into that nasty shit, I ain’t got nutin’ against you dawg, but you can’t be poppin’ up in my crib at three in the monin’, you feel me mah nigga?”
“What?”, exclaimed Rainbow Dash, “This is a completely natural love and there is nothing nasty about it! Chicken is my love and I will stand by….uh….it!” Suddenly there was a burst of hearty, so to speak, laughter from the only cloud in an otherwise clear sky.
“Oh shit, we got a 419 situation up in this bitch!”
“Indubitably!” said Spike, emerging from the depths of the rather extravagantly decked out crib.
“Our leader seems a bit crazier than usual”, he said while Celestia rolled on the cloud in utter hilarity.
“We should contact Reverend Rarity.”
The Reverend Rarity looked with heavy eyes onto the house of Twilight Sparkle as a single beam of light from the second floor cast itself on her silhouetted figure in a way that gave powerful meaning. She knocked on the door to have Spike answer.
“So, what seems to be the trouble?”, Rarity asked as she set her briefcase on the table.
“We think that both Rainbow Dash and Celestia are behaving batshit crazy and we were looking for your guidance as to what is going on.”, Spike explained. Rainbow Dash and Celestia were detained on a bed with duct tape, awaiting examination.
“Well, I’ll fix them right up.” Reverend Rarity eyed both of them for a long time before coming to a conclusion.
“I’ve got it!” she exclaimed.
“Our ruler is possessed by the chaotic spirit Discord!”
“Wow!” said Spike,
“How did you figure that out with so little resources?”
“Because...” Reverend Rarity pondered for a bit,
”...Jesus told me. Yeah, that's it. Now in these situations it is customary to perform... an exorcism.” As the ominous thunder outside died down, Reverend Rarity explained;
“You see, Rainbow Dash is being manipulated by the spirit inside of Celestia, and it is commanding her to love that chicken. Now, if I exorcise the spirit, Rainbow Dash and Celestia will turn back to normal. Now, to begin I just need a quick read of the Wikipedia page and, oh shit, I forgot my bible.” Reverend Rarity quickly went over to the fiction section and got a new copy.
“All right, now we are going to begin, but I need everyone’s help here.” Reverend Rarity flipped to the right page and began.
“The power of Christ repels you! Oh, wait, dammit I think we fucked that one up.”
“Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!” said Discord, through Celestia’s body.
“The power of Christ compels you!”
“Um, quick question.”
”What?”
”What does the power of Christ compel him to do?”
“Yea, because if the power of Christ can compel him to do anything, can it compel him to give me a donk car?”
“Who is holding the Bible here? That’s right, me, because you two aren’t worthy yet. So I would appreciate it if I could compel you to SHUT UP. Anyways, let us continue.”
“The power of Christ compels you!”
“The power of Christ compels you!”
“The power of Christ compels you!”
Then, just like that, the spirit of Discord exited Celestia’s body before saying that they were no fun and vanishing.
Rainbow Dash awoke from a second hypnotic slumber duct taped to a bed next to the ruler of Equestria while across the room a thug, a dragon and a reverend all got drunk and ate whipped cream off of each other’s belly buttons. It was a strange start to a Sunday, but she had experienced worse, and she had learned from Fluttershy in prison to not to step out of line.
Epilogue:
Rainbow Dash had to explain to the chicken that her feelings weren’t real, but it seemed okay because the chicken had made friends with a robot.
Celestia was finally able to rule the land properly, but she hated it because she didn’t have any excuses for buying large amounts of gum balls anymore.
Twilight Sparkle and Spike survive off of welfare and use their "earnings" to deck their crib in tasteful bling.
Fluttershy went back to prison where she immediately shanked her cellmate, Cadence.
Reverend Rarity still gets away with a lot more than she should and used the money that she got exorcising Discord to buy a cool new hat.
Luna still has no friends.
The rest of Ponyville who celebrated Hearts and Hooves day fell under the crippling effects of a super virus called Love that was developed by that one nerd in that one episode with Assertive Fluttershy and distributed through contact with the sickeningly sweet gifts, causing mass euphoria and numbness of the mind. Oh, and the Blob attacked the town.
