The spell-binding tales of NAH, The Non-Adventerous Human.

by Arsienna

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 1558

The non-adventures of a human not in Equestria with a habit of forgetting to wear pants.

My take on Human-In-Equestria stories and tropes. Prepare for many an adventure cut short before they even begin, ridiculously awesome pants, and plenty of common sense.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-16 03:47:27 UTC

Non-adventure in Common Sense

At least I’ve had my coffee first.

That was my first thought as I looked at the glimmering disk of white light floating in the air in my backyard. I can only imagine the stupidity I would unleash if the thing appeared before my morning dose of caffeine. Fortunately it hadn’t, and with my brain clear of cobwebs I could begin dealing with this phenomenon.

That was when a stiff breeze reminded me of my current attire. Pants. Pants would be very important for the next step.

A few minutes later, now sporting some ridiculously awesome pants, I began my highly scientific analysis of the glowy-thingy behind my house.

Step 1: Poke thingy with stick.

Results: Tip of stick does not pass through glowy-thingy but disappears inside of it. Gives credence to theory that glowy-thingy is a warping of the fabric of spacetime, possibly an Einstein-Rosen bridge.

Step 2: Investigate interior of phenomenon. Achieved by duck-taping a video recorder to a skateboard with a rope tied to it and tossing it into the glowy-thingy.

Results : Probe left in for a period of 3 hours local time. Review of footage reveals the glowy-thingy connects to a medieval European-style town populated by technicolor equine-looking quadrupeds that speak English for some odd reason.

“Working off the assumption that I’m not insane and hallucinating all of this, it would appear that there is a portal on my back deck that leads to another world filled with fantastical creatures,” I mused out loud. “Soooo I have the opportunity here to go on an awesome adventure in a distant land, make lots of new friends and build a new better life for myself.”

A jolt of excitement shot through me at this thought. It wouldn’t take me that long to prepare either. Heck I didn’t have many friends or family and I didn’t really care for my job or school that much anyways. And the stories I would have to tell afterwards!

“I’ll be first contact with another species too! I’m gonna do it! This is gonna be-”

It was at this point that the little voice that is my common sense spoke up, Yes you have this great opportunity. All you have to do is drop your entire life and step through some strange portal that will take you to place that, at the very best, still runs a serious risk of stranding you there forever, and at the very worst could kill you on arrival. You do realize that you can make new friends and go on adventures here and not risk life and limb and becoming an interdimensional castaway?

“But first contact and -”

If you report this now you’ll still end up going down in history as the man who discovered aliens.

“Where’s my phone again?”.

Non-adventure as a QiE, a Quadruped in Equestria.

At least I haven't eaten yet.

That was my first thought after waking up as horse-thingy. I can only imagine the stupidity that would have been unleashed if I had a full stomach. As it was I only had to deal with the minor levels of idiocy that came about as the result of my sudden changing of species and location within the time-space continuum. I would take the fact that I didn't have to deal with the half digested food of an omnivore diet ending up in the stomach of my new herbivore body as a brilliant stroke of luck and chalk it up as a win.

Although to be fair, the emptiness of my stomach had been not been my first brilliant stroke of luck that day. That honor had gone to the fact that the purple-unicorn-thingy that had summoned me, Twilight Sparkle, just happened to be the student of one of the head honchos around here.

Non-adventure in Lucid Dreaming

At least I’ve had my night-cap first.

That was my first thought as I looked into the eyes of the quadruped before me, some dark-blue horse-thingy with pegasus wings and a horn. Of course that wasn’t the weird part. No the weird part was the mane and tail of the horse-thingy. They didn’t consist of hair as I know it, but rather a free floating ethereal mass that seemed to contain the vastness of space.

I can only imagine the stupidity that would be occurring at this point if I hadn’t had my night-cap already.

The horse-thingy before me lowered its gaze.

“Pardon me,” the horse-thingy started.

I blinked. Is that thing speaking?

“But wherest art thou pants?”

I glanced down noticing my current attire then at my now empty glass that only moments ago held my night-cap.

“Well, I guess that isn’t helping with the stupidity,” I observed tossing the glass over my shoulder. “Please excuse me for a second.” I left and returned a second later sporting my pair of ridiculously awesome pants. Pants are important after all.

“Y’know a thought occurred to me,” I informed my equine guest. “You look like you don’t wear any clothing, let alone pants, yet you know about them. Not to mention you’re a talking horse with space hair. So I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that I’m having one messed up dream right about now.”

“Thou would be correct. Thou is in the realm of dreams. I-”

I held up my hand cutting the quadroped off. “So you are confirming that this is a dream.”

The horse-thingy shot me an irritated look before confirming my suspicions, “Yes. As I said before thou art in the realm of dreams. Now as I was saying I have- Hey! Where art thou going.”

“...”

“...”

“And what art thou doing? Is that a giant construct with some sort of cart for a head?”

“Yes. Yes it is.”

“And why is it filled with scantily clad women?”

“Bleeaat.”

“...And a goat?”

“Lucid dreaming. Your argument is invalid.”

“Hey now listen here! I came to ask for-”

“Not listening. Lucid dreaming. Now begone space-haired horse-thing of my imagination.”

“I am the Princess of the NIght. Thou cannot just send-”

POOF!

“LUUUCIIID DREAMING!”

Non-adventures with Speed Dial

At least I’ve taken a nap first.

That was my first thought as I looked down at the box that couldn’t have been more in the way of my front door if it had tried.  I can only imagine the stupidity I would unleash if I was still sleepy.

The box seemed somewhat out of place if only because it was intact. Remarkably so for sitting on the sidewalk for who knows how long.

It was at this point that a passing by neighbor let me know that I was standing there sans pants. Pants are very important. It’s hard to deal with life without pants.

I returned quickly, now sporting a ridiculously awesome pair of pants, and opened the box.

This is where I stand: ridiculously awesome pair of pants, box in my way containing a small baby technicolor winged horse-thingy, and instructions on said box to “Give to a good home.”

Fortunately I had my nap so my brain was rather refreshed and knew exactly what to do.

I dialed a number into my phone. “Hello? Animal Control?”

Some undisclosed amount of time later

At least I’ve put them on speed dial first.

That was my first thought as I opened my closet to find a cyan colored unicorn, of all things, staring back at me. I could only imagine the amount of stupidity that could have been unleashed in the ensuing shenanigans that would have occurred if I had not reprogrammed my speed earlier that day.

The unicorn and I shared a studious glance at each other before the mythical creature looked down and took notice of my lack of pants. Which, to be fair, was not my fault this time. I had just come from the shower and had opened my closet to get my ridiculously awesome pair of pants. So I couldn’t be blamed for my pantsless state as I wasn’t even able to get to my pants yet. But I digress.

After taking an uncomfortable note of my lack of pants the unicorn looked back up at me.  I immediately reached for my phone and hit 5 on the speed dial.

“Hello? Animal control? Yeah I got another one. And could you do me a favor and hustle? This one is staring at me and my hands funny.”

Even more undisclosed amount of time later

At least I put on some pants first.

That was my first thought as I went to answer a knock at the door. I can only imagine the amount of stupidity that would be unleashed if I had answered the door lacking pants. The only downside was they weren’t my ridiculously awesome pair of pants. Those were in the wash. It was laundry day after all.

Anyways I opened the door and found myself nose to nose with a full sized horse-thingy. This one came in a white coat with a horn and wings and weird ethereal pastel blops instead of hair for a tail and mane. It was also sporting some pretty expensive looking jewelry for some odd reason as well that just screamed “Royalty!”

I closed the door, pulled out my phone and hit 5 on the speed dial.