True Love Never Lies
Admiral Biscuit
There were few ponies not named Apple who had seen Applejack’s morning face. The roosters were still crowing and, far away, Celestia was still snoring, when Applejack stumbled through the screen door of Sugarcube Corner and plodded up to the counter to add Pinkie Pie to their number.
“Hi, Applejack!” Pinkie said, bouncing up to the counter. “I had a counter-clockwise double-Axel tail twitch that told me you were coming! Did you come all the way from Sweet Apple Acres for one of my delicious new flugleberry-cinammon-raisin gobstoppers that I invented last night in my sleep?”
“No, Pinkie,” Applejack said.
“Well, did you come all the way from Sweet Apple Acres because you had a sudden premonition that it would rain chocolate rain today and you wanted to warn me so I could get in my swimsuit and put out an inflatable swimming pool?”
“No, Pinkie,” Applejack said.
“Hmm.” Pinkie scratched her chin. “Oooh! I know! Did you come all the way from Sweet Apple Acres to find out why your barn is upside-down?”
“Yes, Pinkie,” Applejack said.
“But Applejack, don’t you remember you said I could throw a party in your barn this afternoon?”
“Ah confess I did,” Applejack said. “But I expected the barn would stay upright at least until the party started.”
“Don’t be silly! Then all the water would run out!”
Applejack blinked.
“Pinkie. Is my barn upside-down and full of water?”
“Not yet!” Pinkie said.
“Why in tarnation—“
“Ooh, could you hold that thought for a teensy moment? The cookies are amost baked.”
“Sure.'
Ding
There were few ponies not named Apple who had seen Applejack’s morning face. The roosters were still crowing and, far away, Celestia was still snoring, when Applejack stumbled through the screen door of Sugarcube Corner and plodded up to the counter to add Pinkie Pie to their number.
“Hi, Applejack!” Pinkie said, bouncing up to the counter. “I had a counter-clockwise double-Axel tail twitch that told me you were coming! Did you come all the way from Sweet Apple Acres for one of my delicious new flugleberry-cinammon-raisin gobstoppers that I invented last night in my sleep?”
“Nah. Ah came to ask about the barn.”
“Your barn?”
Applejack nodded. “Ah got up this morning to do chores, and ah noticed that it was upside-down.”
“Yuppers.” Pinkie smiled. “You told me I could hold a party in it.”
“What kind of party do y'all hold in an upside-down barn? And more to the point, how did you—“
“Ooh, could you hold that thought for a teensy moment? The cookies are almost baked.”
“Sure.'
Ding
“Pinkie. Is my barn upside-down and full of water?”
“Not yet!” Pinkie said. “Not until the special guests of honor arrive.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “You're going to fill the barn with fish. Slimy, scaly, slippery, silvery fish? Of all the damn fool ideas you've ever had, Pinkie, this one takes the cake.”
“But Big Mac said—ooh, could you hold that thought?”
Ding
“You're gonna put the barn back when you're done, ain't you?”
Pinkie nodded. “Of course, AJ. Don't be silly. It's just a funny prank on Rainbow.”
Applejack looked at her in confusion.
“Every day, once she's done with her morning warm-up and cloudbusting, she heads out to your farm to catch some Zs in the branches of one of your apple trees, right? Well, this time when she does, she's going to see that the barn's upside-down and think that Discord did it.”
“Ah don't see how that's much of a prank. Seems like a lot of work for nothing. Couldn't you have just painted the roof to look like floor trusses?”
“It wasn't really to fool Rainbow,” Pinkie confessed. “I actually wanted an excuse to—ooh, the cookies.”
Ding
“It's not a prank,” Pinkie insisted. “I wanted to get you to come to Sugarcube Corner and talk to me but you're always so busy working and bucking apples and fixing stuff around the farm that you never do.”
“Aw, shucks.” Applejack put her hat to her breast. “Ah guess I do ignore you girls sometimes, but it's harvest season, and there's a lot to do around the farm.”
“And sometimes when you're out in the east field,” Pinkie continued, as if Applejack hadn't spoken at all, “you wash yourself off with a hose when you think nopony's watching. But I am.”
“Uh, Pinkie, you're kind of weirding me out.”
Ding
“We could just go back in the kitchen and fuck.”
Ding
“Well, ah'm flattered you think of me that way, Pinkie, but we are cousins.”
“This is the modern age,” Pinkie insisted, wrapping her forelegs around the gamboge farmmare. “Ponies are more tolerant. You know that. Why, even donkeys and ponies can get married these days.”
“Ain't the fillyfooler bit that's got me concerned. More of the cousins. Heck, me and RD roll around in the hay all the time. But me and RD ain't cousins.”
“Oh, come on. It's not like either of us could get pregnant.”
Ding
"So when Big Mac opens the barn doors, he's going to get washed halfway across the farm by all the water in the upside-down barn,” Pinkie explained. “But I'll clean it up afterwards.”
“That still doesn't address my main concerns.” Applejack bit into a fritter. “The barn is upside-down. How the hay am I supposed to get at the haybales? Or the apple cellar?”
Pinkie scoffed. “Take a day off. It won't kill you.”
“That's how Ma and Pa bit it. Slept in.”
Ding
“That was fate,” Pinkie insisted. “Can’t blame sleeping in.”
“Meteor would never have got ‘em if they’d been in the orchard.”
Ding
“Because it's a surprise birthday party for Big Mac.”
Applejack spit out fritter crumbs. “It ain't even his birthday!”
“That's the surprise.” Pinkie came around the counter and put a foreleg on Applejack's back. “I've become too predictable, Applejack. It's killing me inside. Somepony's birthday—surprise party. Somepony's engagement: surprise party. Somepony bought the farm . . . surprise party. But nopony will be expecting a surprise birthday party on a day I picked totally at random.”
The farm mare shook her head. “Y'all've gone too far. You've got a problem. Them foals with their Ponyville Confidential were right. You've got a party problem.”
“It's true.”
“We need to stage an intervention,” Applejack soberly informed her.
Pinkie lowered her head, tears welling in her eyes. “But, if I don't party, I won't be me.”
“You'll still be you. Berry Punch didn't stop being herself when she stopped drinking.”
“She turned from a slut into a bitch.”
“She was always a bitch.”
Ding
“I'm just so lonely. Parties help me get through the day.”
Applejack picked a pear out of the fruit bowl and tossed it out the door. “When did these feelings start?”
“When Berry Punch stopped putting out.”
“Pinkie, you've got to get past that. Ponies change. Why, Ah used to be a stallion.”
Ding
Applejack pushed open the batwing doors into Sugarcube Corner. Dozens of eyes locked on her as she slowly crossed to the cake bar, one hoof near her trusty Colt revolver. “Pinkamena Diane Pie,” she drawled.
“Hi, Applejack!” Pinkie said, bouncing up to the counter. “I had a counter-clockwise double-Axel tail twitch that told me you were coming! Did you come all the way from Sweet Apple Acres for one of my delicious new flugleberry-cinammon-raisin gobstoppers that I invented last night in my sleep?”
“No, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “Ah came all the was from Sweet Apple Acres because Ah had a sudden premonition that it would rain chocolate rain today.”
“And you wanted to warn me so I could get in my swimsuit and put out an inflatable swimming pool?”
“Nah.” Applejack leaned over the counter and kissed Pinkie on the lips.
Ding
Dateline: Six PM.
Sweet Apple Acres
Dozens of ponies mill around an upside-down barn, They've been coming in ones and twos all day, just to look at it. Nopony's ever seen an upside-down barn before, after all. Well, no, that's not true. Back when Discord, um, discorded everything, there were upside-down barns and buffalo on ice skates and flying pigs and soap roads and a whole bunch of other weird shit, but the town has chosen to pretend that that never happened. It's a coping mechanism, and while it may not really be healthy, it's not like Ponyville has any pony psychiatrists to tell them otherwise.
But I digress.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
Pinkie nodded. “You do trust me, don't you?”
“Well, shoot.” Applejack scraped her hoof against the surfboard. “Ah gotta admit, you ain't never let me down before.” A distant look came to her eyes. “Why, I reckon you're about the best wife a mare could have.”
“That's really sweet, Jackie, but I'm not sure that now is the best time to get all misty-eyed on me.”
From outside: “Fillies and Gentlecolts! Are you ready to meet the new mare and wife?”
A thunderous rumble of hoof stomps.
“Catch them if you can!”
The doors are thrown open. Riding the crest of a wave, Pinkie and Applejack surf out of the upside-down barn. Applejack throws a bouquet of water lilies into the eager crowd. Twilight Sparkle catches them, and swoons into Big Mac's gentle hooves. It's an auspicious sign.
The new couple surfs off into the sunset atop a wave of champagne.
Ding
“And that's how Equestria was made.”
Ding
“No, seriously, Pinkie. Why the hay is my barn upside-down? Ah still owe one more payment on the dang thing.”
Author's Note
Why? Blog entry!
