Sparkling Tuxedos: the Tale of a Dino and a Pony

by CMDR Kovacs

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Romance, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1836

In a world, where ponies can talk, and dinosaurs too. It's just pure coincidence that one of them falls for the other, and that boots to the head are involved.

A well-dressed human walks into a bar.

Well, actually, no. He has just barely been fitted for a wedding, when suddenly, he get's sucked into the magical land of Equestria!

Triggers include: Human in Equestria, some language, eloquently crude humor, a well-mannered and -dressed T-Rex, stretched borders of reality, and a partridge in a pear tree. Anything else on the list, and it would have been too much.

Dedicated to Tyrannosaurus_Tux, author of the CuddleQuest.

Cover image was made by the wonderful Ceehoff, and used without his permission. That doesn't mean I didn't ask, just that he didn't say anything! Yet.

Enjoy!

Published 2015-02-13 22:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-13 22:00:02 UTC

The One and Only!

        The great oaken doors of Griffonia’s capital slammed open with a quaking thud, slightly cracking the stone walls by its hinges. A massive roar bellowed out into the Great Hall, shattering the windows with the sheer volume of the noise.

        ***”WHERE IS TWILIGHT SPARKLE?!”        The griffon guards were staggered from the force of the Tyrannosaur’s voice. Spittle flecked on their beaked faces, even from the large distance from entryway to throne dais. The monstrous Tyrannosaurus Tux lumbered forth, reptilian feet sending cracks spidering through the primitive cinder floor. The titanic dinosaur reached the throne in only four strides, glaring hungrily down at the young griffon king sitting there.        Stuff happened. Blood was found on the floor, the walls, even the vaulted ceiling! Brown, crimson-soaked feathers floated down from Tux’s mouth, landing gently on the now-red floor. The dinosaur belched, and an iron helmet clattered to the ground in front of the griffon king, now painted in the blood of what once was his guard.        The poor bird was quaking with fear. So much so, that it was obvious that he was new. “So sorry for the yelling and your...guards, old chap. I still am not used to the instincts that come with this body,” said Tux in a much less aggressive, and somewhat croaking, tone. “But where be the lady I seek?”        “I-in the d-dungeon! P-p-please don’t eat me!” the pitiful king stammered in fear of the well-dressed dinosaur.        Tux somehow grabbed his red-banded top hat in his little arms, bowing formally at the less-than-kingly fledgling. He said, “Thank you kindly, your highness,” and strolled towards where he thought the dungeon would be with his hat back on his scaly scalp. The griffon was left astounded, obviously shocked that he wasn’t eaten.        He subsequently fainted.-=[Insert $0.25 to Continue]=-        After a few minutes of searching, Tux finally found a way into the dungeon: a large trapdoor that like the one that old D&D cartoon had that held Tiamat in it. Remembering that he was a dinosaur here, instead of a human made him depressed, but that’s irrelevant right now. Instead of using his itty bitty little hands, he used his foot to accidentally smash the mechanism holding the trapdoor shut.        Through some odd mishap concerning griffon engineering, the door opened for the carnivore. Tux’s face immediately twisted into obvious confusion, visible even for a dinosaur such as he.        Out of the hole in the ground that was obviously made for plot purposes, both literal and story-wise, crawled a disheveled Twilight Sparkle, who looked upon the massive Tyrannosaur with relief. “Oh, thank goodness you’re here, Mr. Tux! The griffon prince wanted to use me as leverage against Rarity!”        Tux, not really a fan of Rarity, or so the author believes, frowned. “Why would anyone want to marry her? I mean, sure, Spike does, but I just don’t get it…” he muttered to himself, but Twilight had overheard.        “Hey! I don’t know what your problem with my friend is, but we need to *save her!” Twilight tried, and failed, to scold the well-dressed dinosaur. She began walking in a chosen direction, “I believe they took her this way. Come on, Tux! Maybe if you do this, Princess Celestia will change you back!”        As per the necessity of the author, Tux had a flashback to that day…-=[dana-nana-nana-nana Batman!]=-        Outside the Canterlot Palace!        “Well, that happened,” Tux said to himself, brushing his pants with his hands. The human had been whisked away from the tailor’s just as he was about to pay for the new tuxedo he was wearing. His family was having another reunion, and his mother made it imperative that he attend. So, using the funds he had been saving for a new car, he had decided to hold off on replacing that old beater for a little longer, and spent a couple hundred bucks on something fancy.        And so, now the young man stood before the gilded gates of the Canterlot Castle, adorably armored identical guards pointing spears at him, demanding name, race and purpose of visit. He could have sworn he heard one demand “Papers, please,” or something like that, but he couldn’t be too sure. When he told them that he had no idea what was going on, they led him into the castle itself, each guard watching the human’s every move as they escorted him through the labyrinth that was the castle.        Which is to say, that they walked him straight ahead into the Throne Room. What a stupid floor plan. Ironically, Tux thought exactly the same thing as the author.        When the doors were opened by a unicorn’s magic, the now open space revealed Princess Celestia speaking with her nephew, Blueballs, er, Blueblood...yeah. Celestia looked up while the Blue Menace continued to speak. Her eyes widened when they landed upon Tux, and Sunbutt blasted him with her magic. “Ah, that is much better,” were the next words that Tux heard from her.        Tux opened his eyes and tried to rub them, only to realize that everything looked smaller. He looked down at his hands, but saw the ground below him instead. As well as six big, scaly toes that cracked the stone when he shifted his stance. Tux was suddenly tempted to wiggle his butt, and he did so, feeling his new tail swish through the air. “I appear to be a-” the former human’s sentence was interrupted by a massive bellow that erupted from his new throat, sending spittle and broken glass windows flying.        When everypony’s ears had stopped ringing, their manes had been blown back, including Celestia’s. However, Blue-thing’s wig was stuck to the Princess’s horn, and his normally spotless coat was splattered with dinosaur grime. He then ran out of the room, wailing his little head off.        Tux suppressed a smirk, and asked Celestia, “Why am I a Tyrannosaurus?”        With a spell, Celestia’s mane and coat returned to normal. “Because, my little dino, that is your alter ego. The transformation spell I had just used was designed to transform you into whatever your spirit was, and in your case,” she waved a gold-clad hoof at him, “it was a dinosaur.”        Blink. “So you hate humans. Why? I have done nothing to upset you,” he said, spreading his little cuff-linked arms in a comical gesture of confusion.        “Because humans are much more dangerous than such a large predator as the Tyrannosaurus rex,” was her oh-so flawless explanation.        Tux tried and failed to facepalm, and clumsily caught the monocle that he always wore after it had fallen out of the eye socket. “I have half a mind to eat you for that reason, and another to eat you out of hunger. I’m going to eat you, simply because I can,” the well-dressed dino proclaimed, and then he found himself in Ponyville during a long story.-=[backtothestorynao, nneEOWw!]=-        By the time Tux was finished remembering why he was this way, they had found a rather...disgruntled, to say the least, Rarity. She was an utter mess, covered in an unspeakable, milky-white substance that smelled faintly of sex. Well, that’s what Rarity thought of it. To Tux, it was vanilla ice cream, and he saw right through Rarity’s excuse.        “Oh, just look at my mane! I think it’s starting to stick! It’s simply going to take FOREVER to get it out of my coat! This unspeakable substance is just the. Worst. Possible. Thing!” That is just one thing that the white Unicorn said as she tried to magic the ice cream out of her coat on their way back to Equestrian soil a few minutes after her discovery.        It had worked. To some degree. Tux had to take deep breaths to calm himself down as the ice cream landed on his pettycoat, so as not to devour the prim and proper unicorn. It was also just a coincidence that T-Rexes, er, T-Rexii? No no no, T-Rex’! Grr, y’know what? Tyrannosaurs, dammit!        It was also just a coincidence that **Tyrannosaurs!**** Well, anyway, they had quite the lungs, and they caused a whirlwind in the room, loosening the ice cream’s hold on Rarity on the intake, and blasting it off at a high velocity on the exhale. It also ruined her coiffure.        “M-my mane! Why you great, ugly, brute! I’ll - I’ll!” she huffed and she puffed, but she only went red in the face. With a scream of womanly rage (anyone who’s been on the receiving end of those knows how foreboding it is), she stormed off, ranting and raving about how long it took her to style, how much it cost, how long it will take to yadda yadda yadda, nobody cares, let’s get back to the dinosaur, shall we?        “Wow, that was…” Twilight trailed off as she blushed, her mane and tail askew. “Wow.”        “Wow?” Tux quirked his pebbled brow. “I would make a joke about World of Warcraft, but you would not get it,” he said, much to the chagrin of the author. Another day perhaps?        Twilight scuffed her hoof as they stood there, Rarity still yammering down the hall. The alabaster unicorn broke one of the mirrors, the shattering sound causing both Tux and Twilight to wince. Rarity then received a literal boot to the head as a consolation prize for Worst Celebrity Hairdo, which was awarded to Miley Cyrus’ left big toe, because it had the infamous Bieber bowl of Yore.        Twilight cleared her throat, ignoring the yelps of pain as her friend was pelted with still more boots, “I was … in the right position, and it was…” she trailed off, blushing even more. Tux began to worry about the blood pressure of the lavender unicorn.        “Go on,” Tux motioned.        “It was,” she paused before stars began to shine with an unsettling glint. “Arousing.”        Tux gulped before he said, “I’d rather just cuddle for now.”        “No,” Twilight strolled up to the big lizard, hips swaying and tail swishing. “We’ll do more than cuddle,” her voice had a throaty growl to it.        Down the hall, Rarity popped out of the pile of boots, and groaned. A baker’s dozen of size twelve boots simultaneously assaulted her head, the Pincer strike pattern flawless in execution. “Shouldn’t we help her?”        “She’ll be fine. Just let it happen, Tux. Just let it ha-!” She had to duck to avoid Tux’ large tail, even though it was clearly four metres above her head.        “Nope!” Tux bellowed softly before charging down the hall, almost slipping on the mountain of footwear with Rarity buried in a leather grave.        One thing's for certain; dinosaurs can haul ass.        And haul ass he did, and so he ran away from Twilight Sparkle until she calmed down enough to simply cuddle. Unbeknownst to Tux, when a pony is in heat, it lasts for three months. Twilight Sparkle was a day or two away from going into heat, and whatever happened was simply the catalyst. Poor Tux, all he wanted to do that day was go to a wedding, go home, read and write fanfiction, then cuddle with the Twilight plushie he got for Christmas from an anonymous person that signed, "Murry X-mas, eh."
This is the end of the story, get over it and find something else to preoccupy your time.