Clawgame.

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Changelings, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2106

Queen Chrysalis and her horde of changelings have invaded Equestria, and all ponydom is doom. But buck that noise. Pinkie and Maud Pie need to win Rainbow Dash a Daring Do plushie.

Queen Chrysalis and her horde of changelings have invaded Equestria, and all ponydom is doom. But buck that noise. Pinkie and Maud Pie need to win Rainbow Dash a Daring Do plushie.

Published 2015-02-12 12:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-12 12:20:03 UTC

One blink, thousand nuzzles

"This is it, Maud!" Pinkie Pie chirped, sliding her umpteenth golden bit into the brightly-colored machine situated in the far corner of the air-conditioned bowling alley. She pressed her muzzle to the glass, licking her lips as her blue eyes peered deeply into the pile of fluff over which a motorized metal claw dangled. "I'm gonna get it this time! And just you wait and see! Dashie is gonna be soooooooo cute with her Daring Do!"

Pinkie's sister took three and a half seconds to blink in response. The gray-garbed earth pony stood beside her, watching as the metal prongs came to life and drifted over the plushie pile with mechanical humming noises.

"Come on... come on...!" Bulbs of sweat formed along Pinkie's salmon brow as she slapped her hoof over a red glowing switch.

With the grace of a rusted albatross, the claw came swirling down inside the container. Its metal fingers brushed tentatively across the fuzzy edges of a felt pith helmet... then clasped ineffectually over thin air.

"Oh you gottabekiddingme!" Pinkie warbled, causing the pins of the nearest bowling lane to rattle from her merciless decibels.

This did nothing to deter the claw from receding coldly back into its lofty hold, where it snapped in place, followed by a carnival jingle issuing from the heart of the taunting toy receptacle.

"Grrrr!" Pinkie grit her teeth, producing sparks. She gave the console in front of her three heard slaps, all the while barking: "Fetchin' freakin' stinkin'... uhm... whatchamacallit cheapskate doohickey!"

Maud tilted her head over. "Clawgame."

"Right! That!" Pinkie's nostrils fumed as she reached once more into her bit bag. "Dashie's my bestest best friend, and I'm winning her a Daring Do plushie if it takes me all day and all night!"

A light haze filled the air. Maud tilted her nose up, sniffling with stoic curiosity.

"Yeah, I smell it too, Maud." Pinkie grinned as she slid a coin in, summoning a few electronic bloops and bleeps. "Smells like victory..."

SMASSSSH!!! Twilight Sparkle came crashing through the wall of the Bowling Alley. She slammed through a rack of shoes, pinballed off a player bench, and landed against a bowling ball retriever with a pronounced groan. Through the hole her alicorn body had formed in the building's structure, a smoke-filled sky loomed. Ponyville was on fire in several places, and every citizen galloped through the streets, screaming for their lives while a diabolical swarm of changelings descended from above.

"Unnnnghhh..."

"I'm gonna get it this time!" Pinkie stood on the tips of her rear hooves once again, tail wagging. "I'm gonna get it!"

"Pinkie?!" Twilight Sparkle stood up, frowning, wincing, frowning and wincing. "What in Celestia's name do you think you're doing?!"

Maud Pie looked over. "Clawgame."

"Hressssshaaaaa!" A squadron of bloodthirsty changelings dove through the hole in the wall, attacking Twilight from all sides. The young matriarch spun about, snapping her teeth as she fired laser after laser at the monsters with her magic horn.

"Nnngh!" PEW! "Gunngh!" PEW PEW! "Pinkie! This is no time..." P-P-PEW! "...for playing pinball!"

Maud gently shook her head as laser blasts exploded all around them. "Clawgame."

"All of Equestria is under attack!" Twilight uppercutted one changeling while smacking her wings against another. "Queen Chrysalis is back, and she wants revenge for her defeat in Canterlot!" She gripped the skull of one changeling and mercilessly fired a stream of magic into its forehead, propelling it backwards into its collapsing siblings. "I need every member of my royal cabinet to lend a hoof or else we're all doomed—!" Just then, half-a-dozen changelings pounced on Twilight at once. "Aaaaugh!"

Pinkie Pie gasped, clutching her gaping muzzle as her eyes turned wide as saucers. "OH NOES!"

"Yes... grnnngh!" Twilight spread her wings wide, knocking all changelings off of her. "I know, it's horrible!" She twirled in a circle, firing her horn at the ground and forming a protective ring of fire in the middle of the alleyway. "But if we work together—"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Pinkie Pie headbutted the glass several times. "I missed the Daring Do doll again!" She clenched her eyes shut. "Grrrrnnngh..." Finally, after a deep breath, she calmed herself with a hoof-wave and grabbed another bit from her bag. "Just calm down, Pinkie. Just remember what Granny always said..."

"Pinkiiiiieee!" Twilight yelled. The flame wall dissipated, and several changelings flew into her like living cannonballs, knocking her off her hooves so she went sliding down a smoothely varnished lane. "Gaaaaaaaieee!"

Pinkie grinned and slipped another coin into the game's slot. "'Everything you do matters, especially when you've got coins...'"

"Pinkie Pieeee!"

"'...and a saucy flank worth shakin'.'"

"Grrrr!" Twilight yanked a pin off the lane with her teeth and swung it like a club into several yelping changelings. "Will you ignore the dumb machine thingy for once?!"

"Clawgame."

"WHATEVER." Twilight stood up, panting and sweating. "Maud. Please. You know your sister better than anypony. Tell her that I really could use some—"

FWOOSH! Twenty changelings made contact, shoving and pinning Twilight to a bowling scoreboard behind her.

"Ulp!" The princess gulped, her worried muzzle reflecting off forty bug-eyes. "—help."

With bright flashes of green light, all twenty changelings morphed into grinning orange stallions with blue manes. "Her Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle!" "Her Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle!" The room echoed as if with mechanical reverberation. "H-H-H-H-Her H-H-H-H-Highness!"

Twilight's brow furrowed as her teeth showed. "Ohhhhh buck no." With adept magic, she levitated several bowling balls and began smashing the fake pegasi's skulls in, one by one, littering the floor with quivering, dizzy-eyed changelings. "Rrrrgh! Haaugh! Yaaaugh!"

"Yes! Yes!" Pinkie gasped. "So... so awesome! This is the most awesomest thingest everest!" Her eyes twitched as the claw beyond the glass clattered its empty prongs together. "No! No! Grrrr! This is the worst thingorst everorst!" She slammed her head forward, moaning. "Duaaaaaaaah..."

"Aaaaaaaaand take THAT!" Twilight smashed another doppelganger so hard that the bowling balls broke. She snarled, her lavender coat standing up like a bristled hound's. "Why don't you ever write me?!?!" Several changelings flew in from the hole and pounced her from behind, pinning her to the alley's snack bar. As more and more bug ponies piled up, the princess grunted and sputtered: "There's too many of them! Just... gnngh... t-too many!"

"I know, right!" Pinkie nodded, slipping another coin in. "And yet, the only plushie you want is waaaaaaaay deep, hidden beneath all the rest!"

"Pinkie Pie, don't you even care?!" Twilight sobbed, squirming under the sea of chitinous villainy. "What do I do?!"

"Pffft! Duh!" Pinkie licked her lips and smiled as the claw whirred back into action. "Do light buck, light buck, forward and light kick, then heavy buck!"

"Huh?" Twilight blinked. "Uhmmm..." Blushing, she flailed her cute pony legs about. FLASH! Time froze for half a second, then Twilight drifted inexplicably forward. All went dark, save for a hoof-full of sparkling supernovas all around her.

P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-POWWWW!

The prolonged crack of a metal baseball bat lit the heavens. When the darkness faded, Princess Twilight Sparkle stood in the center of a pile of unconscious changeling bodies while a big red glowing 天 flickered pulsatingly across her flank. As soon as the symbol cleared, she slumped to her hooves, teetering dizzily with an adorable trilling sound.

"Guhhhhhh..." The mare shook all over like a dog trying to dry itself. "What the...?"

"Twilight..."

With a gasp, the alicorn spun to face the gaping hole in the wall.

Queen Chrysalis stood in all her evil splendor, her flank to the smoldering rooftops of Ponyville outside. A pair of wicked eyes narrowed, glimmering with deep malice.

"Twilight Sparkle." The creature's translucent wings spread threateningly. "We meet again. I see that you're a princess now." Cracking her neck joints, she trotted forward, one icy hoof at a time. "I'll be sure to plant a tiara on your tombstone."

"Chrysalis..." Snorting, Twilight dragged her hoof across the rubble-strewn bowling alley, facing the Queen head-on. "What do you hope to gain from all of this?! Didn't you learn your lesson back in Canterlot?"

"I learned only to give evil monologues when I'm assured a proper victory." Chrysalis smiled, fangs glinting. "And you, my little pony, are doomed. You may have defeated my hatchlings, but you'll never have the strength and versatility to defeat the almighty Queen of All—"

"Aaaaargh!" Pinkie Pie wailed, slamming her hooves repeatedly against the console. "Fluff it! Fluff it fluff it fluff it!" She sniffled, gawking at the empty, retreating claw with sad puppy eyes. "What did I do to deserve this? It's all for Dashie! Not me!"

"Hey!" Queen Chrysalis looked over, frowning. "I'm relishing in my glorious victory over Harmony over here, you insufferable outhouse shroom!" ZAAAAP! Chrysalis turned back, only to gasp into a face-full of lavender laser. "BLARGHBLARGHLBLARGHL!"

"Grrrrrrr!" Twilight grunted and strained, firing a relentless stream of magic at Chrysalis' skull.

The Queen leaned forward, shoulders hunched, and bravely marched against the blast. Finally, once she got enough headway, she galloped straight forward, swinging a mighty forelimb. "I'm huge!"

Whap! "Ooofa!" Twilight flew back, smashing through a rack of bowling balls.

"Mwa ha ha ha ha..." Chrysalis stood, smoking all over with violet fumes. "Your power is meaningless against me! What do you even know of love?! You've been single all of your life, librarian! Some Princess you are!"

"Guh..." Twilight struggled to sit up, grimacing. "I... mrmmfff... b-bought a body pillow last week... phweee..."

"Pffft." Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Please, you insult even yourself." Wings flapping, she ascended amidst a cloudy miasma of undulating emerald energy. "Now, the spirit of vengeance is upon you and all of Equestria! I shall devour the love in every pony's heart and cover this entire landscape in a diabolical blight of misery and—"

"Do do!" Pinkie sang. "Come onnnnnnn Do do!" She pivoted the claw above the pith helmet once more. "Do that adventurous do do that you do do, Do!"

"Grnnnnggg-RAAUGH!" Chrysalis spun around, slamming her angry hooves into the sundered earth. "ENOUGH!" Her eyes burned like demonic lanterns. "Nopony cares about you and your pathetic toy-fetcher!"

Maud shook her head. "Clawgame."

"And you! Bow down to me, if you know what's good for you and your worthless scrap of vertebrate pony flesh that you call a sister!"

Maud Pie took a calm breath, then trotted forward, gradually closing the distance between the two of them at a slimy slug's pace.

"Don't you know who I am?!" Queen Chrysalis snarled, eyes trained like sickly green spotlights on the gently strolling mare. "Don't you know how many kingdoms I've burned to ash and cinder?! I am the Broodling Queen! The Morning Star! The Alpha and Omega! The Lightning in the St—"

Maud reached her, brought her dainty hoof back, and then flung it straight forward.

KA-POWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! A crater instantly formed, shredding the bowling alley in two and flooding the lanes with brilliant naked sunlight. Queen Chrysalis ceased being there... or anywhere, really. The only evidence that she had ever existed upon the physical plane was the tell-tale trail of a deep ravine leading violently away from the point of Maud's impacting hoof, smashing through the rear of the bowling alley, then carving an endless trench towards the distant horizon and beyond the vanishing point. All across Ponyville, nervous citizens came out of hiding, safely gawking at the sudden canyon forming a new equator across the Equestrian landscape.

Eventually, as the tremors of the punch finally subsided, Twilight Sparkle stood up, coughing and waving dust from her fuzzy muzzle. "Kaff! Kaff!" She blinked, her wings drooped. "Holy pony freckles..."

Ten seconds later, Maud Pie lowered her hoof, and only then did her bangs and the edges of her tunic cease to flutter in an invisible wind. She blinked slowly, like her sleepy eyes were full of flavorless molasses.

"...Clawgame."

"Woohooo!" Pinkie Pie hopped and hopped in the corner of the bowling alley's teetering foundation. She clutched a squishy, smiling Daring Do plushie to her chest. "I won it I won it I won it I won itttt! Heeheehee!" She nuzzled her cheek against the tiny clothed pegasus. "Rainbow Dash is gonna be soooooo happy! This is the absolute bestest best day of my life—"

Just then, she froze, her eyes locked on the machine once more.

"Duaaaaaah!" She gasped. "An apple pillow!" She shoved the tiny mustard mare into her fluffy mane and wooshed back to the console, sticking another coin in. "Come on, claw! We gotta win the day for best pony! Squeee!"

Author's Note

Potentially Relevant