Hearts and Hooves Day: The Reckoning
Author's Note
Something silly for all you colts and fillies. 
Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony!
Hearts and Hooves Day: The Reckoning
Cadance stretched languidly in their bed. The sun was already high in the sky, and she smiled sleepily. Her beloved had let her sleep in. How she adored that stallion. And today, of all days... She giggled, suddenly as excited as a filly.
Hearts and Hooves Day!
She leapt from the bed, striking a pose, her mane a right mess, and pranced about the room, still giggling. Today was the day she was free of responsibilities. No royal duties. No wifely chores. No anything.
Just Shining and me and our love! She thought happily.
"Shining! Darling!" She called. "I'm awake!" Her tone dropped in pitch, becoming sultry. "Your princess needs you..." Crouching, she stalked playfully out of the bedroom and down the hall. He did not reply. She stood up. "Shining?" she called again. Arching an eyebrow, Cadance trotted to the spiral staircase and peered down into the entryway of the castle. "Shining!" she shouted, her voice echoing.
The castle was empty, save for the guards.
"Huh..." she frowned, tapping a hoof on the rug. This was unlike him. He was usually there to greet her with a nuzzle, or a kiss, and if not at her bedside, he could be found lingering nearby, waiting for her to awaken. They were never far apart.
Cadance wandered the halls for a good hour or so, calling his name. When that proved fruitless, she moved her search to the castle grounds. Her calls became more urgent. She stumbled into a bush while asking a groundskeeper if he had seen her husband. Startled, the crystal pegasus shook his head. Cadance bit her lip and looked up at the sky. It was past noon now.
Where is that stallion?!
Dejected, Cadance headed back inside, dirty, mane askew, and lonely. This was not how her first official Hearts and Hooves Day with her husband was supposed to be.
"Is everything alright, milady?" A guard asked as Cadance trudged by. She growled. He winced and withdrew into his armor, watching as his princess headed to the kitchen.
Cadance flung the cellar door open with her magic, and tromped down the stairs. A decent supply of champagne from the wedding remained stored below, and she meant to avail herself of it.
Copiously.
***
Twilight hummed to herself as she shelved, hovering a few feet above the floor. She kept a stack of books floating next to her, enveloped in her pink aura, organized by subject, then alphabetized by author. Even with an entire castle at her disposal, the newly minted alicorn still felt most comfortable in the small, personal library. What books she was able to rescue from Golden Oaks were mixed with replacements from Canterlot. A soft breeze stirred her mane, and Owlicious landed atop the pile of books. Twilight laughed.
"I can't think of a better Hearts and Hooves day companion than you and these great minds," she smiled at the owl.
"Hoo," Owlicious replied. Twilight leaned forward and nuzzled his beak. The owl purred.
There was a bang, and a flash of light blue. A very angry and disheveled looking Cadance shoved Twilight to the floor.
"Where is he?!" She shouted. Twilight yelped.
"Cadance?" she exclaimed. "I didn't know you were coming for a visit." Twilight righted herself as her former foal-sitter landed unsteadily on the floor next to her. Twilight arched an eyebrow and twitched a nostril. "Are you... drunk?"
"I'm not drunk, you're drunk!" Cadance snapped. She looked somewhere slightly to the left of Twilight and pointed with her hoof. "And so are you, Twilight!"
"Hoo," Owlicious chimed in.
"Twilight, and Twilight! I just said that!" Cadance retorted angrily. She cast a suspicious look about the library. "Where's your brother?"
"Shining?" Twilight blinked, her eyes wide. "I haven't seen him-"
"Don't you lie, little liar liar pants!" Cadance interrupted, stumbling.
"Cadance, that's ridiculous, ponies don't wear pants, and also, I honestly don't know where Shining-"
"Hoo," offered Owlicious.
"My husband!" Cadance nearly screamed. The ruler of the Crystal Empire vanished with a *pop!* and another flash of blue light. Twilight stood in the center of her library amidst her pile of books and looked at the owl, who shrugged.
***
"Derpy, these are just perfect!" Pinkie gushed around a mouthful of muffin. "It's like a cupcake but not a cake so it's not a cupcake at all! It's a cake-less cake!" She blinked. "You baked cake-less cake!"
"Thanks Pinkie!" Derpy grinned. "So do you think Sugarcube Corner would be interested in the recipe?"
"Gosh I know I am!" the party pony giggled. "I can ask the Cakes."
A sound like a thunderclap and a flash of light blue startled the fillies. Derpy covered her head with her hooves, and Pinkie ducked behind the counter.
"My husband. Where is he?!" Cadance demanded. Pinkie peeked up from her hiding place.
"Oh, Cadance! I didn't know you were coming to Ponyville today!" She beamed, bouncing up. "Derpy made cake-less cakes!"
"Ponyville always takes his attention. Where are you hiding him?"
"Your mood seems to indicate a hypoglycemic episode," Derpy began, tugging on Cadance's wing. The alicorn whirled like a cobra, narrowing her eyes. The mailmare smiled nervously. "Here... try one of these. They always help me when I'm cranky. I love them." The pegasus held out her hoof, offering Cadance a muffin.
"If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?" Cadance snapped, her horn illuminating menacingly. Derpy blinked.
"We haven't seen Shining, Cadance," Pinkie offered. "Did you try-"
There was the sound of air filling a void, and the alicorn was gone.
"Twilight's?" Pinkie finished.
***
"No, no, Sweetie Belle, move it to the left," Rarity sighed. The smaller unicorn grunted.
"My left or your left?"
"Clearly my left, darling, I'm directing you," she said, waving her hoof. Sweetie Belle dragged the train of the dress to the left of the mannequin. Rarity eyed it critically. "No... Now that I see it-"
"Rarity!" her sister complained. "I've been moving this for hours!"
"One can't get a cutie mark in whining, Sweetie Belle," Rarity replied. "Or you'd have one already."
"Cadance!" Sweetie Belle announced excitedly.
"No, that has nothing to do with-" Rarity turned around and shrieked as she came nose to nose with the alicorn. Her mane was beyond disheveled now, and the look in her eyes gave Rarity cause to step back.
"Give him back, you amethyst-hued hussy!" Cadance hissed.
Rarity blinked. "I beg your pardon?" she replied indignantly.
Candace advanced on her. "I saw the way you eyed him at my wedding... all fake eyelashes and mane extensions!"
Rarity squawked indignantly.
"Well I never!"
"Where is he?!" Cadance shouted at the top of her lungs.
"Who?" Sweetie Belle asked, genuinely confused. Cadance groaned loudly.
"Oh not you too!" she screamed, vanishing again.
***
Exhausted, her head pounding, Cadance manifested herself back to her palace bedroom.
"I give up..." she sobbed.
"There you are!" Shining Armor exclaimed. Cadance lifted her head to meet the concerned eyes of her beloved. "Oh Cadance... what happened to you?"
"Shining!" She cried, going towards him and embracing him tightly. "It was awful! I woke and you were gone and I thought you'd left forever and-"
"Woah, woah there girl," he laughed gently. "Calm down... ssshhhhhhh. Let's get you cleaned up."
He helped her into the bath. He lathered her coat and mane, rinsed the suds until she was fresh and clean. He brushed her until she was softer than the finest velvet, and when he took her back to the bedroom, the royal couple enjoyed the pleasure of each other's company.
Several times.
Snuggled in his embrace, Cadance sighed happily. He nuzzled the top of her mane.
"Why didn't you just read my note?" he asked gently. Cadance blinked.
"Hmmm?"
"My note. On the mirror by your dressing table. You always brush your mane first thing when you wake up; I figured that was the best place to leave it. I had to supervise guard maneuvers on the border today - last minute change in strategies, and then stop at the jeweler's..." He nuzzled her again. Cadance blushed.
"Oh I feel so silly now."
Shining laughed.
"Why? It's not like you did anything irreparable."
Candance laughed with him, then stopped suddenly.
"Oh shit..." She muttered.
***
Somepony was pounding at her salon door. Loudly. Rarity groaned. It was the middle of the night. Who in Equestria...? She donned her robe and trudged sleepily to the door, edging it open.
"Derpy?" she said, surprised. "What... are you-"
"I'm engaged!" Derpy gushed. Rarity blinked, then squealed, instantly awake.
"Oh my goodness, darling, come in, come in!" Her horn lit up as all the lights came on inside. Bolts of fabric began to float into view- satins and silks and pearls and lace. She smiled warmly. "You must tell me, you simply must! Is it that young doctor fellow I've seen you trotting about town with? So handsome... such an exotic accent, too!"
Sweetie Belle wandered into the showroom, awakened by the noise, staring slack-jawed and half-awake at the display of dancing materials.
"So tell me, who is the lucky stallion?" Rarity pressed, eyes wide. Derpy smiled and dug into her satchel.
"Mr. Muffin!" she announced proudly, displaying an empty muffin paper covered in crumbs. The mailmare blinked. "Oh no!" Rarity blinked as well, but for an entirely different reason.
"Ah..."
"He's gone!" Derpy exclaimed. "Someone snack-napped him!" she continued, narrowing her eyes. "Don't worry Rarity, we'll be back to choose colors as soon as I find the culprit and rescue my husband-to-be!"
Rarity stared in bafflement as the pegasus swooped out into the night. Sweetie Belle nudged the fashionista with a hoof.
"So, do you wanna tell her about the..." She motioned to the corner of her mouth, "or should I?" Rarity shook her head sadly and placed a leg around her little sister's shoulders.
"Let her be. It isn't every day a girl devours her fiancé before the wedding."
