I Don't Want To Write This
Dad,
So I’ve been looking at this page for, like, a million years, and I can’t come up with a way to start. I don’t even get why I’m writing this letter in the first place, because it’s literally useless. And dumb. And the pen is weird and it feels funny in my mouth.
I prefer, you know, getting someone else to write down what you say out loud. Way more awesome than scribbling yourself. Yeah, at first you feel kind of silly, but you have a little guy who’s just writing every little thing you say, so that’s a lot of attention he’s paying to you, you know.
So yeah, not really my thing, writing. Don’t know if you can tell. The longest things I’ve written all by myself lately were an exam and a letter to Celestia. And I kind of told you all about them anyway, so why would I talk about that? Writing to Celestia felt nice, though.
Like, I don’t know. It’s weird. You have all that stuff in your head, and you just write it out, and BAM, it all sounds so dumb and simple. “I was way too big headed back there!” you say. And it’s like, yeah, I totally was. Good thing I realized. So you explain it, and you get over it.
I guess that’s why I need to write this letter to you? This wasn’t my idea, Applejack suggested it. Don’t know what to write anyway, she just said “write a letter to your Pops, Dash”.
She called you Pops. How lame is that. I mean, woah. Way to lose cool points, AJ.
So, yeah. Writing, writing, writing. I’m writing.
Okay, I guess I should explain why I’m trapped in this room? That kind of sounds like what I should say. I mean, come on, even I get that. They’ve trapped me in here for that, they say. For my own good.
And for the guards’ sake too. Hah! You should have seen them, Dad. I scared them pretty hard. They were like, “Woah, that awesome girl is too much for us! Run!” and I was like “Not so fast!” and yeah I just realized that wasn’t awesome in the slightest and I should really apologize to them because I was a total jerk.
Way to lose cool points there, Dash.
They were only doing their job, I know that. I wasn’t exactly thinking back there, which sucks, and now I wonder if they’re going to do something about it. Although they’ve already kicked me into this room so it’s like being in jail already.
Wait, who am I kidding here? This room’s awesome. It’s a room in the castle, after all. There’s a giant bed in here and I’m counting seventeen pillows. I don’t think I’m going to spend the night here, though, so those pillows will go to waste. Who needs so many pillows anyway? Rarity?
Oh, and talking about Rarity; I gotta thank my friends. Especially Fluttershy and Applejack. I mean, the others were nice, of course, but those two really were cool, instead of just trying to be cool, you know? Everypony wins, and they’re all cool, and I love them a lot, but those two get the big prize.
But maybe I’m not being fair? All of them tried their hardest. Not a single one yelled at me or tried to pin me down, except for that last part with the guards (but I totally get it so I’m not mad) and that is really awesome.
It was their faces, you know. What irked me up so much at first was how they looked at me, I guess. Well, not just that, but I wanted to yell at somepony and they were right there and they were doing that, so there we go. Bam, yelling at your face. They didn’t seem to mind, not even Fluttershy.
I guess they were kind of in
So I just found out there’s no way I can erase a sentence I don’t like, which is absolute bogus, because now there’s that stupid phrase on top of this one and looks just dumb. I guess I could cross it out, but that’d just make it stand out more. Guess I’ll just ignore it.
Still. They were right next to me when I got the letter, you know? The letter. Stupid thing, I tore it to shreds. I don’t even remember doing that, but it was totally torn by the time I wanted to read it again, and I had ink on my hooves, so yeah.
We were having a picnic. We were all laughing and Pinkie was doing this crazy stuff she does when she gets a cake and suddenly there are balloons coming out of it. And then the mail guy spots me and yells my name, and bam now I have a brand new letter. Hey girls, look at this letter. I wonder what it is.
So I open it and I read it out loud, right? Like, that’s the coolest way to read a letter. I always do that. Always trying to be more awesome, remember? So there I am, reading, and then I get what the letter’s saying.
And I guess I kept on reading. ‘Cause that’s what I do, I’m awesome till the end. Blah blah blah blah. Then it kind of went all over my head, and I read it again, although I didn’t do it out loud this time.
That’s when they looked at me in that funny way. Guess that’s when I lost my cool, too. All the way down. No more cool points for Rainbow. Boom.
I have no idea what they said. I wasn’t really listening. Something about them being sorry, I guess. I didn’t care. But what else could they do? So yeah. “We’re so sorry, Rainbow.” “Oh, Dash, we’re so sorry.” I think Rarity was crying.
Hah.
You know, usually I would call her a crybaby, but I guess that’d be unfair. I didn’t cry, of course. I mean, I never sink that low, you know? But Rarity is made of a different material. Not me. I have standards. Pfff, crying. Yeah, right.
I did yell at them, though. I just, you know. They kept talking to me, and I didn’t want to listen to them, and I wanted to be alone, so I yelled and I ran. I think that’s when I ripped up the letter. I don’t know.
Don’t really remember where I ran. I think I ended up in some kind of park. Does it matter? I didn’t really go that far, anyway. They caught me in no time. Usually they are no match for me (fastest pegasus alive, remember?) but I didn’t really feel like flying. I still don’t. Didn’t feel right, I guess.
Applejack was a really good sport, though, because she didn’t talk or cry or anything. She just hugged me, and then she said they were there for me, and I had to get away. From Ponyville, from the park, from the letter… I just had to go.
Twilight wanted to at least pack a couple things, but Applejack said no, we go to Canterlot, and we go now. That was good.
Mom wasn’t here when we arrived. I don’t know, I guess I was expecting her to be waiting for me at the train station, and I was nervous about that. But she’s not here. I felt kind of relieved.
I don’t really want to write the next part.
I lied to you. I guess I didn’t think it was that much of a deal, but, I don’t know. “Hey, Dad! Do you know how much lame your daughter is? THIS MUCH!” Sure. That’s not something I’d like to write.
I lied when I said they were wasting the room. It’s not true. I’ve used the pillows. I’ve been staying at this room for a couple days, because when we came to Canterlot Twilight said we couldn’t all fit in her house, and I didn’t want to see her parents anyway.
So we came here. This is my room. And there are no seventeen pillows anymore, because I tore them apart, just like the letter I guess. And I kicked the walls, and I broke the chairs. I yelled at the windows and slammed the door, and I don’t even know why I did that.
It was stupid, I know. I need to apologize for it.
But it felt nice, you know? Just, breaking everything in sight. And then seeing how it stays like that. It’s like, you get a little bit of control back. You're there, and those things are there, and then bam everything is ruined, and you feel cool because finally you’re getting it back, you’re being you again, and everything feels like it can be fixed.
But then you stop, I guess. I stopped. And then you’re left with a lot of broken stuff, and the rush goes away, and you feel dumb. I broke the room, and I don’t know why I did it, so I just stare at it and feel like a stupid crybaby.
Rainbow Dash, you’re being lame.
And getting lamer. This is embarrassing. I just
I came out after the second day, took a shower, and
It would have been nicer if I had been like my friends, you know? Like, they never lost control. That’s what I wanted to write before, when I stopped.
They were in control. That’s what I didn’t want to write. And I don’t know where it came from, by the way. In control.
I don’t know, it was just bad. Like, this is not cool, but why are they so collected when I’m like this? I don’t see Pinkie breaking any room. Twilight is not losing her mind. They are just looking sad, but they’re sad at me. It’s different.
This is not cool at all.
Why even bother. I already hit rock bottom. Admitting it won’t make it worse.
I yelled at you.
I got out of this stupid room, after Celestia knows how many days of doing nothing but screaming at ponies and breaking stuff, and the first thing I do is walk to you and yell at your face. I don’t even remember what I said. It wasn’t pretty, though, because Fluttershy tried to drag me away but I just pushed her away and kept yelling. Yelling, yelling, yelling.
Rainbow’s cool points are negative now, and going even lower.
So yeah. Go there, scream at you, feel like a jerk afterwards. That was it.
I’m sorry, I guess. I gotta apologize for all that. I gotta apologize for a lot of stuff once I get out of here, and apologizing to you first sounds like the best option. The least uncool, I guess?
I’m sorry I yelled at your face. I don’t know what went through me.
No that’s a lie. I know what went. It’s just
It was, like, I hadn’t really got it yet, you know? Sure I’d got the letter, and I’d break the room and everything. So I was, like, conscious about it, right?
But then I saw you and it was real. You were lying there, and I’ve heard ponies said it makes you look like you’re sleeping, but you aren’t sleeping, and I could tell.
You’re dead.
Bam, gone. Kaput. Dad no more.
I don’t know. Didn’t feel right. Didn’t feel right at all, you see, because, well. Why are you dead, in the first place?
See I think that’s what irked me. Because this is not how it’s supposed to go, right? You’re supposed to get very old, and see how far I go, and then be all “Good job, Dash!” and I’d be “Yeah, I’m awesome!” and Mom would be “That’s my girl!” and then we would all be cool and everything would be nice.
But instead I get a stupid letter that says sorry, Dash, that’s not going to happen. And it uses this stupid talk that I hate and it’s all “condolences” and “great loss” and “hard times” and no, that’s not right, because at least you should tell me. You’re supposed to be predictable, okay? You’ve always been. Always read you like an open book.
Not even Mom could tell this time. Great surprise, they say, big accident. I don’t buy that.
That’s just not how it goes. Maybe that’s why I broke the room. Maybe that’s why I kicked the walls. I got uncool. You made me uncool, because you died, and what I’m supposed to do now?
This blows.
I didn’t want to think about it. Still don’t. But I go there, and you’re there, and you’re dead. And you don’t have those lame wrinkles around your eyes, and you’re pale, and someone braided your hair. Your hair was always a mess.
Wrinkles, messy hair, predictable. You were so uncool. You were a dork all your life, and now you’re dead, and that’s so lame, and that’s so pathetic, and I’m pathetic too and the room is a mess and I don’t know what to do, because this is all your fault.
Because you died.
It still feels weird to write that down.
Your funeral hasn’t even been yet. There was nopony there, you know? It was this big, stupid room, full of nice portraits and old tapestry and huge windows, and I wanted to break it all down. Break you too, even, I guess. What’s the big deal? You’re already dead. It can’t do much worse.
This is all your fault.
You just let me down, Dad, and
I don’t
I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize for yelling and I ended up yelling at you again. That’s messed up. I’m really sorry.
And I mean it. Not like I didn’t mean it before, but you know how this goes. Like, really mean it. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.
At least I didn’t cry. I’m sure I didn’t. I never cry, you know? Like, never-ever. You know that for sure, huh? Betcha you can’t name one single time where I cried as a kid. Well, I guess I did when I was very very tiny but that doesn’t count.
I’m sure Mom cried, though. I don’t know, I haven’t seen her yet. How messed up is that? She’s not arrived. But she cried, I’m sure. She cries all the time. She even cried when I came to Ponyville, right? You just went there and did that thing where your wrinkles get all wrinkly.
And I hugged her and you were all dorky and called her a crybaby, and then patted me on the head and said that yeah you got it Dash, go kick some butt.
But who cares? You’re dead.
And I was yelling at you when Princess Celestia came in. That was the worst part. You know how she is, always cool and collected and wisey and stuff. She never loses it.
I hate this. I hate admitting this. This is why they trapped me in this room. I saw Celestia, and she saw you and said something. And she sounded like the letter, right? Great loss. Condolences. Yaddah yaddah.
So I yelled at her.
And hey, this one did feel nice, and I’ve hit my head against the wall a lot because of it, because I like Celestia, and that wasn’t fair.
I yelled at her, and I was glad she was there because that meant I could yell. She’s alive, you see. She’s been there for, like, forever. And she won’t ever go, and that’s awesome, but it doesn’t feel okay because that’s not how it should be. There’s her, and then there’s Mom, and then there’s you, and why is only one who can’t die in there? Why is she so special?
“You’re nothing,” I said, or something like that. “You have done nothing to me. He did more than you, but now he’s dead and you’re not, Princess, and that’s not fair.”
I said that to the Princess. And I said worse things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dad. I shouldn’t have said that. But I wanted her to be dead, and I wanted you to be alive, and I said that, word for word. “I hope you die,” I said.
Then she talked, and it was like reading the stupid letter again. My greatest condolences, I know it’s a big loss, I am so sorry.
I lost it.
A guard tried to stop me, but yeah. I’m really sorry. That wasn’t cool. I tried to kick the princess, and suddenly everypony was screaming, and there were guards, and Applejack was really yelling at me, and Fluttershy was… I don’t know what she was doing.
They stopped me, and here I am.
They got me in this room, and they locked the door, and the window is locked too and I can’t break it. I know it because I tried.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I don’t know what I’m doing now either. I’m dumb. I don’t want to keep writing. This is useless. This is just
F
I don’t
This
Dad, I want to say that
I don’t have time they just opened the door I don’t want to get out of here I’m sorry. There are no guards, it’s just my friends, but they are looking at me, and they're going to get the letter, and I haven’t finished. I’ve told them so, but they’re still coming here.
They’re standing right next to me. I don’t want to stop writing. I’m sorry. I lied. I lied, this is not useless, please don’t let this end. If I’m writing I’m not breaking anything, or sulking, or trying to attack the Princess. I’m talking to you, and I gotta do that, because otherwise I’ll mess things up again. I don’t want that.
Twilight says I need to rest. I don’t want to rest. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me.
I lied. I lied all the time. You are not lame, you were never lame, you’re the most awesome pony I’ve ever known. You were predictable in a good way, and those wrinkles were awesome, and you always knew what to say even when you didn’t.
You were amazing.
You were amazing, and you never let me down. I don’t know why I yelled at you, this is not your fault at all. It’s my fault.
I let you down. You wouldn’t have reacted like this if you’d got the letter. You would have been cool, and maybe a little bit of a dork, but in that cool way of yours. You would have said “Well, Dash will kick some butt wherever she goes!” and that’s it.
But you are not the one who got the letter, because it was me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to Mom.
I cried, too. I wanted to play it cool, but it was stupid. I am stupid. I cried all the time. I think I started crying when I read the letter, but I don’t remember. I’ve cried in this room. I did it when nopony was around because I didn’t want them to see.
I didn’t want you to know, either, but now I don’t want you to go, and even though I’m crying and everypony is seeing it, I don’t even care.
You are dead.
I’m crying because you are dead and that’s not right, and I tried to attack the Princess and I’m not trapped in this room anymore but the room is still broken, and I yelled at the girls. I want to tell them I’m sorry. I want to say that I didn’t mean to, even if I did, and that you are dead and I’m sorry I broke the room, and that I don’t know what to say to Mom, and that I’ll let her down too.
But if I do that I’ll drop the pen and they’ll take the letter from me. I don’t want that. At least like this I’m talking to you, even if this is dumb because you’re not going to see it. And I want to apologize. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I let you down. I should be the one that’s dead, because you would have been cooler.
You can’t go, because what’s left without you? Mom is left, but I can’t deal with that, because she will cry and I’m supposed to be the one that doesn’t cry. When did you ever cry? Never, that’s when. And yet here I am, and I’m bawling like a stupid, dumb baby.
But now you’re gone, and that’s it, and the Princess is still here, and Mom is still here, and I need to face both. But I don’t want to.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry you went away, and I’m sorry I did what I did, and I don’t know what to do from now on.
Tomorrow is your funeral.
Mom will come tomorrow. We can’t have the funeral until she’s here, but she can’t fly all the way to Canterlot, because she’s not feeling well. So I’ll see her tomorrow. I’ll be waiting at the station because I know I wanted her to be there when I arrived. She’ll want me to be there.
She’ll want you, too, but you are dead.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to say goodbye to you. I am sorry I disappointed you. Gotta be more awesome. I need to make you proud. I don’t think I will, but I need to try.
But I don’t want to try, either. I don’t want to be more awesome. I want to stay in this room and not get out.
You would probably yell at me if I did that, but I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry I’m a failure. You died and I can’t do anything. Mom will cry, too. I’ll try not to cry with her.
I don’t want you to go. But you went away anyway. I let you down.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I will never yell at you again. I will never do that, I promise. Please, believe me. I’m sorry. Please, don’t be dead.
Please don’t be dead.
Please.
