T, the Tiniest Troll, Writes a Love Letter

by Piquo Pie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Fluttershy, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6
Length: 1147

Wherein a troll tries to understand this love thing that is making Fluttershy lonely.

Dear Flutter-shy

You seemed sad to-day. When I asked Rarity poky pony she said you were sad be-cause you had no-pony to be with on Hearts and Hooves Day.

I wanted you to know that I would very much like to be with you and cheer you up.

-T, the Tiniest Troll

A shameless incredibly fun epistolary crackfic written with very specific grammar for word humor purposes.

Thanks to my editor alt-tap

Published 2015-02-14 22:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-14 22:20:03 UTC

Dear Flutter-shy

Dear Flutter-shy

It is I, T, the tiniest troll in what was my village. You seemed sad to-day. When I asked Rarity pokey pony she said you were sad be-cause you had no-pony to be with on Hearts and Hooves Day.

I wanted you to know that I would very much like to be with you and cheer you up.

When I came to Ponny-ville it was hard being a troll. Ponies were mean to me. Even A-pull Jack was scared of me, even though she said she was not.

But you were the nicest pony. You let me help you by moving things, I got to pet the soft-test little an-gel bunny (even though you would not tell me his name), and you even helped me find a hill to dig a hole in. I love my hole.

When I asked Rarity pokey pony why you were sad she explained that ponies like to cuddle and love each other but that they only do this with ponies they love. If they don’t have a pony to love some-times they get sad.

When I asked what love is she said that there were many types of love, but the love you wanted was romantic. She said romantic love is when one pony can not stop thinking about another pony. You know it is love when every-thing about that other pony seems good and perfect, even when it would be annoying if any-pony else did it. It makes you feel funny, like you ate a butter-fly. I ate a butter-fly once on accident. If it feels like that, it must be a very weird pony-only feeling. Rarity pokey ponysaid that if you really love some-pony you often think of intimate things and have reproductive feelings toward the other pony.

Romantic love must be very weird. Trolls don’t have love I don’t think. We make more trolls by going once a year to the really old trolls, the ones that don’t move anymore, and punching them. If we punch them hard enough in the right place then we make new rocks that turn into trolls when they tumble. The troll that punched the new troll gets many punches from the others as con-gratulations.

We have fun, we make more troll, but it is not pony love.

But I do think about you. Every day I am at A-pull Jacks I think how much I miss petting the an-gel bunny. I think about my new hole in the hill a-way from all the ponies and animals where it is quiet and dark, and I think about how much I like to be a-lone but only sometimes. I think about how much I like your rock soup.

I know the pink one thinks that she makes the best rock soup, but it is you. It makes me warm and tastes like soft magic. A-pull Jack’s cooking tastes a little like your cooking, but your’s is softer and warmer. Like eating soft magic spell that makes something fall slowly and gently.

But I do not get pony romantic love. When I asked Rarity pokey pony about why ponies feel the romantic loves she said it was better that way. She said being in love makes every-thing better; colors seem brighter, the other pony is more fun and fun-knee, and things with the other pony have more meaning and seem both clear and unclear at the same time. Ponies have dates with each other and spend time doing things for fun in private that are secret but fun.

I didn’t know why having dates would be special fun, a-pulls are clearly better. I asked her if love was special brain damage that was fun, but she said it was not, even though it may seem that way when you are not in love.

This made my head hurt. I tried to hit my head against a wall, like Twilight pokey pony does some-times, but all I did was break a wall and made Rarity pokey pony mad and send me a-way.

That made me sad, I wanted to pet her fluffy white love kitty that likes to scratch me to show affection. No other pet is so nice as Rarity pokey pony’s fluffy kitty.

After I was sent away, with-out petting Rarity’s kitty, I tried to ask Rain-bow dashing pony what was love.

All she said was “baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more” before she flew off in a rain-bow color.

I did not mean to hurt Rain-bow dashing pony but I seem to have hurt her so if you see her tell her I am sorry. Also tell her that I am not baby.

I tried to ask Twilight pokey pony but she only said it had to do with dop-a… dop-a… dop-a-meany. I asked her if the dop-a-meany thing is what hurt Rain-bow dashing pony. It make Twilight pokey pony smash her head against a table.

When I tried to ask A-pull Jack she said she’d like to tell me what love was but that it was a state of bean that is differ-rent for each pony. This made my head hurt be-cause now I learned all ponies love in differ-rent ways. Now I don’t know if ponies in love are dopes, or hurt each other, or make each other happy. Maybe all three?

So I went to ask the pink one if she could explain love. She also said that it was different for each pony but that there was one easy way to tell if you are in love or might fall in love with somepony.

I didn’t know you could fall in love, or if it hurt, but the pink one is weird so I listened anyway be-cause I couldn’t afford to pay for attention.

The pink one said that if you think of someone only as a friend then they are just a friend. If you don’t know the words to describe how you feel about your friend, but it feels stronger or better than friend-ship, then you are romantically interested in them. If you know you feel stronger than friend-ship, and you can describe it in simple words, then you are in love.

I don’t feel stronger than friendship for you, Flutter-shy. But I do know I want you to feel happy. So, would you make me happy by letting me make you happy by eating fruit with you, probably a-pulls?

-T, the tiniest troll

Author's Note

If you liked this story consider helping me out by giving it a thumbs up, a fav, or even recommending it to people you think might like it.

For those T, the Tiniest Troll fans this is a bit of a departure but I do plan on continuing T soon and this helped me get back in the swing of things.