Cortana? This has got to be a prank... Right?

by Dalek15

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 2567

So. How'd I get here? well, ya know, same old. bought a Assault Rifle with 'Infinite ammo' from a merchant then I came to olde style Equus.

Wait, I'm falling from the moon hanging onto a piece of metal… I sense a reference. Probably not, anyway, my name's John. And now that name means more to humanity… And so much more to the covenant…

Oh look, a pony which can talk. Wait what?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-22 21:27:26 UTC

I need to talk to Celestia

Oh look, filly's. And their teacher, they're probably on a trip.

Apparently!

"Miss Cheerilee, whats that?" Asked a certain yellow filly with a red bow

"Well, Apple Bloom"

Apple Bloom? Huh.

Cute name.

I know, right!

"That is war, legend say's he called himself John or Master Chief," Answered Miss Cheerilee "He used to wreak chaos on the land with his weapon's. Legend say's saying something bad to it will free it."

CHAOS? YOU BITCH CELESTIA I ONLY ACCIDENTALLY SNAPPED ONE NECK WHEN I FELL!

Chief?

Ok, Ok. Im calm.

"It looks ugly," Exclaimed Diamond Tiara as a crack appeared on the helmet "just look at it!"

Yes, keep insulting me!

"It looks like a monkey!" She said while crack's appeared everywhere.

That shou- "ld do it!" John exclaimed, extremely happy, while running towards Canterlot Castle.

"Finally!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Diamond Tiara screamed in terror.

~Twilight P.O.V~

"So I was just hanging about and then-"

"Rainbow, I don't think anyone want's to listen!" Exclaimed Twilight

"Ok..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed a voice.

"I TOLD YOU USING A JETPACK AND YOUR ROCKET LAUNCHER WOULD'NT WOR-"

CRASH

"Ohhhhhhhhhh... Fuck..." Moaned a green and yellow giant.

"Princess... Do you know what that is?" Asked the Elements

"Yes... It's war... He has returned..." answered Celestia ominously, walking towards it.

"Owwwwwwww..." He said... and then fainted.

Kick, Punch, kick, punch.

"Kick,Punch,kick,punch," Said John "Armor Ability, Void bomb, Darkness bomb."

'How did I start battling guards?' You ask?

~1Hour ago~

"That was risky, John."

"What the f*** could I do instead?" Asked John angrily, taking it out on manticore's and other bad animals.

"Uhhhhh... Killed them?"

"Really."

"Okay. Maybe not."

~Another 15 minutes later~

"Halt in the name of Celestia!" Ordered one of the twenty royal guards.

"Soooooo... Take 'em down Chief!"

"Okay." He said and then proceeded to kick and earth blast two of them, he then used copy to get magical abilities and then shoot a magical beam at one and then used Discordian Reality to pull out a... Rahkshi? Whatever. We both continued to own the royal guards till one was left. Which I fire blasted.

And then more came.

~30 Minutes Later~

Annnnnnd done.

"Who are you then, Rahkshi?"

~Another 30 Minutes later~

"Oh?"

"Yes."

"Well, I send you back!"

"What'd I miss?"

"Cortana, give me a frag grenade."

"Here."

"Time to use Discordian Reality."

A portal opened in front of me and I gave a speech into the frag.

"I am the Survivor of falling from the moon. Twice. Destroyer of the Didact, Destroyer of 3 armies, The Ark and Halo 04. I... Am Master Chief.

"Nice"

"Thanks." He said, dropping it in the portal.

~About 1000 Years ago~

"Hey, hey!" Exclaimed John

"Yes?" Asked his friend

"Perfect replica Assault rifle not out of my range!"

"Get it then!" He said

"YEAH!"

~30 Seconds later ~

"So how much?" Asked John

"Oh, free for you, my friend!" Exclaimed the merchant

He snatched the Assault rifle from the merchant and looked at every inch of it before blacking out...

~Equus' moon~

"What... Happened..." Asked John

"You seem to be on the moon, Chief."

"Nice Cortana impression, Bob." Exclaimed John

"Who's Bob?"

"Cortana? This has got to be a prank... Right?" Asked John

"Chief? Are you alright?"

"Yeah... OH MY GOD WE ARE ON THE MOON!"

"Yes, yes we are."

"And if I'm Chief... Then..."

And he jumped off the moon.

~Celestia POV~

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

BOOM SNAP

"Celly, what is that?" Asked Luna

"I don't know... Must be something from the Discord Era."

"He landed on somepony, Celly."

"OH GOD I THINK I KILLED A HORSE! HE LOOKS LIKE HE HAS A BEARD AND A HORN... Wait, what?"

"Looks like a Unicorn and brain wave's suggest it was sentient."

"F***" Screamed the thing.

"Get the elements." Said Celestia

Not canon chapter.

~Library- Night time~

"Hmmmm... Wait the guy I killed was famous?"

"His name was Starswirl the Bearded. Doesn't say what killed him."

"...Hehehehe..."

~Twilight Sparkle POV- Morning~

"What the?" She asked, looking at the note. She then looked at the bottom, which said that war killed Starswirl the Bearded.

She started shaking... Congratulations! Your Twilight evolved into Rapidash!

~A long way away~

KABOOM

I... I... Got captured...

OMNOMOMNOM

"Why are you so ravenous?"

"Bjsoap, aljkd paj jdo"

"Swallow."

GULP

"Because, I just got out of a 1000 year imprisonment."

OMNOMOMNOMOMNOM

"Right."

~1 Hour later~

"Finito!"

"Just say finished normally."

"Fine."

"Hmmmm... I see enemies on the radar!"

He pulled out a magnum just as the 300 royal guards came out of the foliage surrounding them.

"I think you should try to use Charge or use Quick Vehicle."

"I think... Both."

"Mongoose?"

"Hmmmm... Yea."

VWORPLE

There you go!"

There was a mongoose with a green color scheme and Charge sitting on the seat of it.

"Let's do this!"

He got on the seat and started driving when...

"HALT, FOUL CREATURE!"

Luna was hovering in my way. I charged through her and threw a frag grenade behind me so I can get rid of her.

KABOOM

"Hopefully that worked."

"Yeah."

The guards were still chasing us so I used Charge to fire holy lightning at them which electrocuted a unicorn and then the lightning passed to every unicorn except the one with purple armour which had a magical shield up.

"Heh. What he doesn't know is that magic is a conductor for holy lightning... And it attracts it." Whispered John

The unicorn with a shield up was then electrocuted by the holy lightning. John used water blast and quickly stood up on the mongoose and blasted the guards, he quickly sat back down and steered out of the way of a tree and a manticore which was picked up by a lot of pegasi and threw at me. I responded by using an air blast which sent the manticore at the pegasi which picked it up. Poor fella's. I then activated promethean vision to see if their were any ambushes waiting for me. I saw one with Luna and some... Bat versions of the guards? Whatever. I used the brakes and drifted around to face the 300 and then drove forward. I used Charge to clear a path for me and drove through the guards. I turned my head around and saw a guard on my mongoose who was using magic. I grabbed Charge and shot him but was too late as the mongoose exploded and sent me flying into a tree, knocking me out.

"Thou shalt face punishment fit for your crimes..."

~???~

"Yeeeees..."

~Interrogation room~

"Wake up!" Screamed a voice.

"Wha..."

"We are questioning you! Wake up!"

"Ok..."

I woke up and saw Celestia standing in front of me, with a purple pony standing by her with a note pad.

"I won't answer anything unless you fix Cortana!"

"...Fine."

Her horn flared to life and I felt a tingling in the back of my neck.

"Chief! It worked!"

"YES!"

Twilight suddenly appeared in front of him and asked, "So why are you evil?"

"I am not."

Twilight then asked, "Then why did you kill a pony?"

"That bearded one?"

Twilight started shaking, "You killed Starswirl the Bearded?"

"It was an accident! I appeared on the moon and jumped!"

Twilight calmed down. A little. "Well... Celestia!"

"Yes Twilight?"

She whispered something to Celestia, to which Celestia's eyes widened and she said, "If you think so Twilight..."

"What?" Asked John.

Twilight answered John by turning to him and saying, "We will let you stay with me as long as you answer my questions and don't do anything bad."

"...Deal."

"Hey Chief!"

"Yeah?"

"Master Chief and Twilight, sitting under a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"SHUT UP!" Shouted both John and Twilight.

A Quick Note

Sorry guys (And girls) but I probably won't make a chapter or even start for the next day or two because I'm EXTREMELY sick.

You are?

Yes.

BUT I might make another chapter.

Let's hope I get better!

In other news, I'm gonna be making either another Displaced story or just a crossover story, I want you to choose though.

For both types you have two-three choices.

Displaced: The main guy from InFAMOUS:Second son. NEED LOTS OF HELP HERE! HAVEN'T PLAYED IT!

Displaced 2: Sequel to this.

Displaced 3: An idea i've had for a while. Power scale=META.

Crossover: Any SCP's. You choose.

Crossover: Destiny. Need help since I haven't got past Mars.

Crossover: The first displaced choice except he actually is himself.

CHOOSE!

TO CANTERLOT

"Ohhhh..." Moaned John.

"John? Are you okay?"

"Yeah..." Said John quietly

"We HaVE AsKEd YoU TO GiVE Up YoUr FaMiLY, YOUR FRiEnds and YouR fUtUre"

"Cortana?" Asked John, taking Cortana out of his helmet, "Are you okay????"

Yes...

"Cortana. Tell me." Ordered John

"Chief... I've been in service for 8 Years..."

"8 Years?" Exclaimed Chief.

AI's deteriorate after 7...

"Celestia..."

Chief...

"CELESTIA, COME HERE NOW!'

~Celestia POV~

"CELESTIA, COME HERE NOW!"

"Excuse me My Little Ponies." Exclaimed Celestia

"Is that war?" Asked Applejack curiously

"Yes, Applejack, it is."

"Then we'll go with you, right girls!" Exclaimed Twilight

"YEA!"

~John POV~

"What is it, war?" Said Celestia, spitting the word out like it is a sware word.

"FIX HER NOW OR ELSE" Shouted war, his voice as loud as the RCV.

"Fix who?" Asked Twilight.

"Me."

""Eep!" Whispered Fluttershy

"What the? Who's that?!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash

"That is what he call's Cortana." Answered Celestia

"THAT IS CORTANA, NOW FIX HER!"

"What's wrong with her?" Asked Pinkie Pie

"She's gone rampant!" Exclaimed John, "NOW FIX HER ALREADY!"

"Whats that?" Asked Celestia

"I'll play a recording."

Playing Recording...

We HavE AsKEd YoU TO GivE Up YoUr FamILY, YOur FriendS aNd YOUR FuTuRe!

Recording Ending...

"Well why would I fix her if it would help you?" Exclaimed Celestia, "She should go ahead and die!"

"..."

"War?"

I was seeing red... and then I saw nothing...

~Cortana POV~

"YoU WiLL DiE" She said with John's mouth.

She tore the bars out of their place and threw them at the elements, knocking them out and then she used Jetpack to propel forward and punch Celestia in the face which propelled her through the wall out of Canterlot. She jetpacked to Dodge Junction, which is where Celestia landed, she pulled out her magnum when she landed and shot clear through Celestia's wing and then shot through her left foreleg which knock her out. She then pulled out her sticky detonator and stuck a grenade to Celestia's chest and threw her back to the elements and jetpacked to the Everfree.

~Twilight POV~

"Ohhhhhh..." Moaned Twilight in pain.

"Hey Twilight!" Shouted Rainbow Dash.

"Yes?"

"Look at Celestia."

"Ok..."

She looked.

Twilight.exe has shut down... Rebooting... Error 1239... Celestia nearly killed... Rebooting... Error 873... Celestia looks second best... Fixing both... Fixed... Rebooting... Done... Twilight.exe has activated.

"WHO DID THIS!"

"I dunno. But whats that thing on her chest?"

KABOOM

Dont blame me! YOU got Cortana mad!

~John POV~

I woke up

"Owwwww... My head... What happened?" Asked John, holding one hand to his helmet.

"I got slightly angry..."

"Oh... This blows any chance we had of a truce."

"Yeahhhh..."

KABOOM

"Woah! What was th-" John started but was interrupted by two manticore's jumping on him, "JESUS"

He kicked them off and stuck one with a plasma grenade which exploded and sent chunks of meat everywhere and pulled out a Battle rifle, shooting the second in the leg twice and then threw a frag grenade at it, explodanating it.

"Nice!"

"Thanks." Said John, "It had a lot to do with adrenaline."

"Im gonna remember th-"

"OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!" Screamed John, being shot with lasers by Twilight and Pinkie.

JOHN, BUBBLE SHIELD!

"GOT IT!" John shouted, activating the Bubble Shield.

"Dang Nabbit!" Exclaimed Applejack

'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...'

He deactivated the Bubble shield and threw a void bomb at them. They were too suprised to do anything so in the confusion so he air blasted them into the sky, jumped after them and air blasted again, sending them to Ponyville. Violently.

~Berry Punch POV~

The Mane six suddenly landed right next to me...

"Im drunk."

~Twilight POV~

"What...Happened..." Moaned Twilight

Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep

"Well, You have a minor fracture in your left and right foreleg, all of your ribs are bruised, and you won't be able to use magic for a week or two." Answered Nurse Tenderheart.

"..."

And she fainted.

~???~

"Soon..."

Gaining Trust: Part one: F YOU BLUEBALLS!

"So... Where do we go?" Asked John.

"Well we are going to the dining hall because my friends are there." Answered Twilight.

"Oh. Ok."

"Chief!"

"Yeah?" Asked Chief.

She stopped speaking out loud, 'What if she's lying and just trying to get information out of you!'

'Don't think so.'

'If you say so Chief.'

~The Dining Room~

"Hey girls!"

"Hey Twi'" Exclaimed Applejack

"Uhhh... Twilight, who's that stallion with you?"

"I forgot I kept that illusion spell up!" Her horn flared to life and the stallion turned back into his normal form, John.

"I'm coming Twilight!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash

She charged at John and tried to pin him to the ground, only to be grabbed and thrown backwards.

"Rainbow! We made a deal with John."

"Oh really darling? What is it?" Asked Rarity

"You can ask me any questions and I'll answer and I have to stay with Twilight

Pinkie Pie interrupted and asked, "Do you like cupcakes?"

"No. Too much sugar."

"Can you're kind not digest sugar? Are you a carnivore?" Asked Twilight

"My kind can digest sugar, I just don't like it, and no, we are not primarily carnivores." Everyone sighed in relief, "We're omnivores."

"Hey Twi', what is an omnivore?" Asked Applejack

"He can eat both meat" Everyone gasped, "and he can eat what we eat."

They all heard footsteps approaching.

"Must be the waiter. He was informed of feeding Wa-"

"John."

"Alright. 'John'."

A blue maned, pompous looking Blueblood walked in and before he looked at John Twilight quickly cast another illusion spell on John. Blueblood looked at the seven and 'hmphed'

"What are you commoners doing here? Especially her!"

"Well, Blueballs, we are here by request of Celestia." Exclaimed Rarity

"How dare you!" He said, not seeing a certain stallion creep behind him, "Atleast I am not as bad at making cloths as you. And I'm not even very good!"

"THATS IT!!" Shouted a certain John.

John punched him in the back of the head, to which Bluebal- I mean Blueblood turned around, apparently slightly angered and hurt, and shot him with a knockout spell... Which John dodged, he then turned around, and bucked him with his forelegs which Blueblood blocked with a shield spell. Which John... bucked again, to which it reacted by shattering, and then turned around again and delivered a deliciously painful

haymaker and kept doing that until a bloodied and battered Bluebal- Blueblood actually I'm not gonna correct myself. Until a bloodied and battered Blueblood fell to the floor, knocked out.

"You just..." Said Rarity

TO BE CONTINUED!

DUN DUN DUN CLIFFHANGER!

Another Quick note

Half-term ended which means THE WORST THING EVER! SCHOOL! WHICH MEANS LESS TIME FOR CHAPTERS

Also, You should start voting because there are 0 votes for everything.

Don't know what I'm talking 'bout? well check out the other quick note.

AND YES I'M BETTER!