Spiny Haremlord of War

by ANONGLADJE

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Romance
Length: 1441

Sick of being marginalized by everypony, Spike attains a harem of sexy ponies and goes on a quest to get powered up and legendful.

Sick of being marginalized by everypony, Spike attains a harem of sexy ponies and goes on a quest to get powered up and legendful.

Warning: contains sexy ponies and epic harem adventure!!! Do not read if sexy ponies and epic harem adventure are illegal in your specific location!!!

Dedicated to Obselescence

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-14 19:05:17 UTC

Spiny Haremlord of War

Spiny Haremlord of War

One day Spike was masturbating by himself. He was masturbating by the following process: He inserted both of his handclaws into his asshole and pulled his rectum out and pulled it under his body so that he could push the end down over his partly erect penis (because he had encyclopedia dramatica and could not keep it all the way up). Then he started to masturbate his penis with his exposed pink rectum.

It was pretty much like kind of literally precisely almost exactly as if he was fucking himself in the ass with his own spiny 2inch dragon cock!

He put in front of him some secret pictures of Rarity ripping Sweetie Belle's clitoris off with her teeth that he took with his secret camera secretly while they were having their secret sex sessions in secret. Rarrrrity was wearing a peacock on her head. By which I mean, she was getting peed on by a cock on her head.

“Oh my god”, said Spic while he prophetically tugged his spiny 2inch dragon penis. “Jesus Christ I wish I had an fedora to wear while I act like a huge luger beta”.

And it so it was that Jesus Christ, savior of us all from his spiny sacrifice into the penis of Hell, gave to Spike the Holy Fedora of God that he had worn during the Harrowing of Detroit, aka thanks MA Larson, aka I swear I'll rip off your fucking dick and ram it so far up your ass you'll piss blood out your mouth every time you try to talk you fucking little faggot bitch.

“Wow thanks Jesus!” Spike said. He put on the defora and kept up masturbating with his exposed rectal organ.

But fedoras attract women as we all know. So all the MARES in Pony Vill came up to Spike's library (cuz Twilight had a castle now and she was nice enough to give Spike a card board box outside) and they started climbing in the windows of Spike's cardboard box but he had smart enough to put up glass on the windows to keep out stupid bitches that only like jocks. So they could not pass through his stupid jock humping whore shield of death and they all died.

Except for the Cutie Mark Crusaders and all the other 900 pones that became to being of inside his harectum! Spike had a harem now. He decided to have sex with them all at once to prove his masculinity. But then he came upon a problem in that his penis was too tiny. He could not penetrate all of them at once. He had to choose one to start with.

“Fuck”, he shouted. “How should I know, all women are the same?!”

So Spike went up and down the ranks of his assembled harem slave bitch things. He was dumb and stupid so he said, “Which one of you wants to suck my huge dragon man meat” and nobody answered b/c they were all there to have sex with the fedora, not Spike. After he threw a fit he decided to make 3 challenges to find his ideal waifu.

The first challenge was how far they could open their vagina. This was pointless because Spike did not need the extra room (due to having a really tiny penis) and also he had severe dyscalcula so they were basically all the same to him. He oculde not count! They were all the same because women are all the same. Vaginas are all the same. Women all have the same vagina. There is only one vagina in the entire world and all women share it at the same time.

Cloudchaser's vaginal canal rubber band snapped and she died of enzyme loss. Sclooptaloo's vagina did not go back to it's regidar normal state because of how she was always getting raped so her vagina was already 5 feet wide. The rest of them got very horny, but Spike was a dumbass and did not put his handclaws in them (actually this was good because Spike had poo and blood on his handclaws from constantly ripping his ass out)...

Second, Spike tested how lesbian the women were. Unfortunately, he was too busy masturbating when they started making out to pay attention. He was caught up in his sexual fantasies about being big and strong and hot like Radiger the Awesome and not a pathetic pile of dragon AIDS. And so he missed the lesbian romances.

Like of how Twilight and Dash got naked and put a book in Twilight's vagina and Scootaloo chugged 10 gallons of everyone else's piss because she has severe mental problems like down syndrone. And how Sweetie Belle tried to cum for 16 hours and she could not because her clitoris was amputated by Rarity's teeth. Rarity ate Sweeite Belle's clitoris and chewed it slowly. They brought in Winona and took turns tonguing her delicious canine ass. All of them got high and had lesbian sex with Cloudchaser's enzymes.

“Goddam it”, Spike howled like a beta. He could not cum yet because part of his rectum had fellen off due to gangrene so he could only masturbate the first inch of his 2 inch spiny dragon penis.

“Oh Scootaloo”, said Appleckblume who was in a secret lesbian romacne with Scootaloo and Winona which considered of Apple Bloom inserting her tongue into Scootalo's endless vagina until it touched her lungs. They had sex with Scootaloo's lungds and she came dusty airfarts out her nose.

The third challenge was jumping over Spike's erect testicles be cause Spike was too stupid to think of any other challenges that made sense/was relevant ok. But they weren not erect because testicles can't get erect but pensies can. And Spike's penies was too small. Soooo they all jumped over it successunally.

“Fuck fuck fuck” Spic sadi. He did not nkwo want to do. “Fuck,” Spike shouted throwing his fedora at Scootaloue. “Bitch get over here and suck my penis.”

Sclooptaloo said “Why?”

Then Spike remembered that he had the fedora but it was not on his head anymore. Now Scootaloo had the fedora. It made Scootaloo grow a huge cock that was 13 inches of pure unadulturated filly meat and she used it to smack all the wimmen for being bitch cunts but in a loving way be cause she loved them a very much.

But then she went and tried to stangl Spike with his rectum but she could not because it oozed poo and smelled too bad. So she left him on the floor not totuching his penis. He cried and begge for sex but she said No. No Spike you are a pathetic beta nads noone will ever lvoe you. Because you are a stupid bitch you faggot.

So she left.

Leaving Spike all alone.

For ever alone.

There in side of Spic burned the fury so great that it consumed of a thousand sons. He rose up and whipped out his 2 inch dick and declared war on the universe saying “IF I CANNOT HAVE THEM BY FEDORA THEN I WILL PUT THEM IN A CONCENTRATION CAMP INSTEAD!!!”

So Spike became a dragon warlord. He studied Hitler and Stalin and Pol Pot. Then he tried to build a concentration camp with his own handclaws. It did not work because you need at least 300 Jews to build a concentration clump and also his anus would not stay inside, it kept falling out and smearing diarrhea all over.

“Fuck”, he said.

Then he went insane at the knowledge that he would never have sex or revenge. So he pulled his intestines out and started eating them. They did not taste good. He smeared his poop all over his penis and used it as lube but it turned him off a lot so he could not jerk off. Finally he expelled all his intestines in a torrent of diarrhea until his stomach hung out his ass. He tried to flatten some of the poop and mold it together into a fedora. But it was a stupid fedora and it looked like a trilby.

Spike cried and finally expired in the back yard of Twilight's castle. When Twilight came back from vacation (cuz it was acxually her double that got woith Dash) she found Spike's dead body rotting in a dried maggoty ocean of dragon diarrhea. Also Scootaloo enslaved her immediately and made her lick her pegasus clitoris. Twilight immediately forgot about Spike and gave in to the clitoral enslavement.

So then Spike rotted and no one ever cared.

The end.