Cave Johnson's Lemonade Stand

by Electronic Pony

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other
Length: 1209

Cave Johnson disregarded his own theory of throwing lemons in life's face. But that doesn't mean he didn't modify them first.

Life gave Cave Johnson lemons. Ever the capitalist, he started to make them into lemonade and sell them. But he added a little flare to them first.

Written because this place looked lonely.

Published 2015-02-15 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-15 23:30:02 UTC

Open for Business

Cave Johnson flew around his small portion of property, placing signs and advertisements here and there to enforce the popularity of his new lemonade stand.

You may be wondering why Cave Johnson is opening up a lemonade stand. Well, it's an interesting story.

Cave was walking along minding his own business when suddenly a random pony wearing a a t-shirt that read "Life" handed him a lemon. Johnson was preparing to throw it right back in his face, but then he thought of something better. Why punish a pony for his wrongdoing when you can make money off of it instead?

Cave did throw the lemon in the pony's face, knocking him out, and then stole the rest of his lemons. So now he was here, an hour later, building a makeshift lemonade stand, and selling fresh-squeezed lemonade. Obviously there was a huge lemonade market out there, so Cave needed to do something that would make his stand out from the rest. Naturally, he added sulfur to the finished product and mixed it in to give it that extra punch.

Cave stepped back to admire his work. A small wooden booth had been set up, advertising 'Cave Johnson's Invigorating Lemonade'. Underneath the title read his slogan, 'More Bite for your Bit!' with 'Bite' in flaming letters. Cave settled himself behind the counter, and flipped over a sign to show that he was open for business.

A small crowd had gathered a few yards away, wondering what Cave had been doing for the past hour. Once they saw that he was opening up a business, they eagerly trotted up to see what goods there were to buy.

The first in line was a normal looking stallion with a tan coat, but a contrastingly electric blue mane. But Cave didn't care about appearances, he just wanted to get this pony's bits.

"Welcome to 'Cave Johnson's Invigorating Lemonade'! What can I do ya for?" Cave greeted the pony with force.

"So I'm guessing you sell lemonade here?" the pony asked.

"As the name implies," Cave responded.

"And what makes it so 'invigorating'?"

Cave knew nopony would want to knowingly ingest sulfur, it didn't sound too safe, even to him. "It comes infused with natural elements," Cave said convincingly. Technically, he was telling the truth.

This seemed to convince the pony that Cave was selling some good stuff. He shrugged and said, "Sounds good to me. I'll take a cup."

Cave smiled, and prepared him a tall glass of lemonade from the cooler on the counter. "That'll be two bits," he said, handing over the plastic cup. The pony produced two bits from a small coin bag, and took hold of the cup.

The pony sipped some of the lemonade, and seemed shocked. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "This stuff really does have a bite!"

Cave smiled, and called for the next pony in line, a short, pretty looking mare with a deep purple coat and a short magenta mane.

"Welcome to 'Cave Johnson's Invigorating Lemonade'! How may I help you?" He greeted the mare with slightly more elegance.

"I'd like a lemonade too, please," she responded rather bluntly, but it didn't bother Cave.

"That'll be two bits," he said, handing her the cup.

"I'll give you one," she bargained.

"The price is two," he re-iterated.

"And I'm saying one."

"Two."

"One!"

"Three!"

The mare looked confused. "Isn't the point of bargaining to make the price go lower?" she asked.

"No, the point of bargaining is to get a better deal," Cave replied cooly. "If you pay three bits, then that's a better deal for me. Now are you gonna pay the two bit price, or am I gonna drink this for you?"

The mare mumbled something about good work ethics, and forked over two bits to a smiling Cave Johnson.

"Next!" he called out.

The last pony in line hobbled up, a crotchety old stallion with a threadbare mane, but a still healthy yellow coat.

Cave was softer with this one. "Welcome to 'Cave Johnson's Invigorating Lemonade'. Would you like a glass?"

The old pony looked very happy at this. "Oh, yes please, thank you!" he responded politely. "Now how much did you say it was? Eh, two bits, was it?"

"But for you, my friend, that price is a mere one bit!" Cave said with a smile.

The pony still placed two bits on the table. "Oh, I can't do that to you, please take two!"

Cave laughed. "Even when I reward you for being so polite, you politely decline," then took the two bits. "If it makes you happy, I'll take the two. Here's your lemonade."

The pony took the lemonade, and smiled at Cave. "Thank you young man, have a nice day!"

Cave waved at the pony as he walked away, and laid back in his chair. Those three ponies had been the only ones in line, but he was managing pretty well already, so decided to take a quick nap and wait for any other customers.

About a half hour later, Cave was awoken by the blaring noise of police sirens nearby. He was given enough time to fully awaken before a police carriage parked a few yards away and the driver walked right up to him.

"PVPD," the burly looking police-stallion started. "Is this your establishment?"

"Cave Johnson, that's me," Cave replied cheerily. "What can I do for you boys?"

"What customers have you had visit here today?"

"Just three."

"Can you describe them?"

"Sure I can. A stallion with a crazy blue mane, a very pretty mare, a deep purple color, and then the nicest old guy ya ever met, kinda yellow-ish."

"Does your lemonade contain any of the following products: Phosphorus, quicksilver, sulfur, turpentine, or kerosene?"

Cave was silent for a few moments. "I may have put just the eensiest bit of sulfur in there," he responded eventually.

The officer nodded solemnly, then moved around to the back of the booth and locked Cave's arms in hoof-cuffs. "Cave Johnson, you are hereby arrested for the horse-slaughter of Crunched Numbers, Midnight Glow, and Breadly Baker. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand?"

Cave struggled in the hoof-cuffs that had been put on him. "Of course I don't! What's going on! Horse-slaughter? I didn't kill anypony!"

The officer looked him sternly in the eye. "Sulfur is a substance that is not tolerated well inside of a pony's body. Once ingested, sulfur causes the partaker to...violently explode. As such, your lemonade contains sulfur, which was ingested by the three victims no more than thirty minutes ago. Ten minutes later, twenty minutes ago now, they each combusted with no warning."

"B-but I didn't know it was going to kill any pony!" Cave stuttered.

The officer heard nothing of it, and thrust him into the carriage roughly, which rushed off with Cave's proclaiming of his innocence all the way to the station.

And that is the story of Cave Johnson's lemonade stand.

Author's Note

I didn't do any scientific research for this please don't hurt me.