A Rocky Path

The dark tower swayed in the storm, rain and sea lashing the cliffs on which it stood. Lightning flashed, stabbing at the soul like a bad shipping fanfiction. Inside, Ateran, Lord of Death, Keeper of the Seven Gates and Chief Torturer of Tartarus, laughed a cracked, manic laugh. Bloody carmine light flowed through the room, illuminating the array of pointed instruments lining the clutter worktops.

“Finally...” he whispered. “Finally, it's done! Haha! HAHAHA-”

There was a thud on the self-proclaimed Ianua Mortis below. An extremely irate and feminine voice hollerred out from the base of the brooding tower.

“Ateran, we've had enough of your shit!” screamed the newly coronated Twilight Sparkle. Her mane was matted with rain, wings sodden, eyes blazing with fury. Surrounding her were the rest of her odious friends, each one overcome with the same anger, apart from Fluttershy who was silently mouthing apologies at him.

Ateran leaned out of his Window of Unavoidable Agony and yelled back: “Good luck stopping me this time, Princess! My plan of certain doom is practically complete already!”

“Open the door before we come in their and snap your arms like last time!”

“And the time before that, and the time before that...” mused Pinkie Pie, her insufferable nasally tones making Ateran internally cringe. “And the time before that, and before that, and before that, and before that we inverted his spine, remember?”

“Heh, yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “That was awesome! He was in a S-shape for days! And the look on his face when he saw himself in the mirror was priceless!”

Ateran's bones involuntarily ached at the memory, but he shook it off and continued, a little less confidently.

“I wish you luck with that, you pathetic excuses for ponies! Death seeks you out, Twilight, and I shall show him the way! Can you feel it, Sparkle? His cold touch almost grazing your-”

“Applejack, kick the door down.”

At this, Ateran gave a hearty snort. “Hah, you think I haven't learnt? The new Ianua Mortis is reinforced with PURE IRON! It's impenetrable! Outsmarted again!”

From the hall of the tower came the noise of a door being smashed of its hinges and landing with a very terminal, splintering crash.

“Eep!” shrieked Ateran, leaping away from the window. He grabbed a cloak and swirled it onto his back, his wings getting tangled up in the black, silky material. Saddlebags came on next, they too jamming up in his haste. The clattering sound of six sets of hooves emanated from the jet-black marble stairs that crookedly rotated up to his Room of Plan Formulation and Sudden Execution. Accompanying these already horrific sounds were snippets of jovial chatter that drifted up towards him, as unstoppable as the arrival of the disgusting collection of mares.

“Well,” Rarity was saying conversationally, “I was going to pin him to the wall by his darling fluffy wings with knitting needles, but as I'm feeling particularly generous, perhaps I'll just use him as a pincushion...”

Now shaking with fear, Ateran hauled some of the smaller equipment into his saddlebags and then looked around desperately.

“Book! Book, where are you?!”

Suddenly spying it, he grabbed Book in trembling hooves. It was a thinnish volume, nicely decorated with a broken lock inset into the hardback cover. The title was currently: “You're Going To Get Beaten Up,” with Twilight Sparkle being credited as the author. The blurb simply showed the symbol :( .

Ateran was about to ungainly add that to the mess in his saddlebags when the six horses of the apocalypse filled his doorway.

“OH SWEET CELESTIA!” screeched the luckless villain. He immediately jumped up and tried in vain to fly out of his Window of Unavoidable Agony, but felt a powerful magic force grip his tail and hoist him back into the room.

He scrambled in his bags and brought out Book, still swinging by his tail with the magic purple aura holding fast.

“Book, what do I do?!” he said, opening it. The pages were all blank except the first, which simply read: Sorry, you're bucked, bro.

He turned back to the assembly of ponies, with Twilight standing right over him, horn still aglow. Her grin was anything but friendly.

“I hope you like soup, Ateran...” she said softly.

“W-why?” Ateran asked, voice wobbling with the purest terror.

“Because that's all you're gonna be able to eat when we're done, motherbucker!” Rainbow Dash cried, before they all descended upon him.