Like Me
By Mist
“Sweetie Belle, do you mind coming to the board and showing us the answer to this math problem?” An overly peppy instructor called out to me.
“Sure…” I replied in an uninterested tone.
Cheerilee, April 12th, 2038 by a heart attack.
I approached the board casually and scribbled an answer out and retreated back to my seat before I could receive praise.
“Very good Sweetie Belle! I must say you’re quite the mathematician for somepony who just hides in the back of the class all the time!” She complimented.
I sat back at my desk and leaned on a front hoof.
“Whatever,” I replied.
“Does anypony else want to try the next problem?” Cheerilee asked the class.
A rush of hooves raised into the sky, eagerly hoping they’d be chosen to come up and solve the problem. Cheerilee gestured to one in the front and an orange unicorn with a banjo cutie mark stood up and advanced to the front of the room.
Pluck String, January 29th, 2081 by a major stroke caused by an inoperable tumor.
“That’s correct Pluck, very well done,” Cheerilee complimented.
Every day it was the same thing over and over. School was boring me more and more as time passed; I felt as though I wasn’t learning anything useful anymore. Then again I guess you could say that I didn’t find anything useful anymore. I felt that everything was just another waste of my time, and that I wasn’t going anywhere or accomplishing anything worth my while anymore.
2 Years Ago
"Now make a wish and blow out the candles!" An excited pink mare bounced up and down behind me.
My eyes wandered up to her curiously.
"I can wish for anything?" I replied in awe.
She nodded happily and nudged me closer to the giant mound of chocolate and vanilla frosting. Snuggling up close to me she pulled a hoof around my backside and waited eagerly to begin devouring the cake.
Peering around the room I saw all of my friends. They had all showed up this day, my eleventh birthday.
I thought about it for a brief moment. I had everything I could ever want, there's was nothing that came to mind that I could think of off the top of my head that I wanted.
I wish I could find my special talent.
With a deep inhale followed by a quick exhale I extinguished the candles on the cake. That was the first time that the saying "be careful what you wish for" had any relevance to me.
2 Years Ago
"Sweetie Belle, you're going through an important change in a young unicorn's life, one of many." My older sister began.
She scooted closer to me on the bed we both sat on and pulled a hoof around me. She shot me a caring smile and I returned it just as quickly.
"You see, you're at an age where you are going to start getting magic. At first it's going to seem overwhelming, but you'll get used to it. Magic is a very mysterious thing, and it appears differently in every unicorn, but that's part of the excitement! You will have special magic unique to you, and I'm certain it will lead you to your cutie mark." Rarity seemed hopeful.
Magic was definitely beginning to appear; ever since I had that birthday party I kept feeling the odd tingle in my horn, followed by random uncontrollable magic gestures. There were times when I found myself levitating objects without my knowledge, or teleporting things small distances such as across the room, or even just letting off a spark or two from my horn.
"At first it's going to seem like you can't control it, but in time you'll wonder how you ever lived without it," she assured.
"What do you think my special magic is?" I asked excitedly.
Rarity laughed playfully as she rubbed my head affectionately.
"Only time will tell us that," She replied.
“Sweetie Belle, y’all gonna come and hang out at my place tonight?” A familiar yellow earth pony asked with a big grin across her face.
Applebloom, October 6th, 2020 by falling off of a roof and breaking her spine.
“I think I’ll pass; I have to help my sister with some stuff,” I lied.
Applebloom grew a look of concern and leaned in.
“We never hang out anymore. Everypony says y’all are getting really distant, it’s like y’all are in a whole other world or somthin’. Is somethin’ botherin’ ya Sweetie Belle?” She questioned.
“No, I’m fine… Really…” I sighed.
“If y’all say so…” She replied.
She had no idea, not even the slightest.
Magic is a curious thing, and it’s said that nopony fully understands it yet. Every unicorn gets the basic magic abilities, but every one of them has some kind of special magical abilities that helps them with their talent. These abilities are usually unique to that unicorn, and manifest differently in every unicorn. Sure every unicorn had the simple telekinesis and basic magic abilities, but it was their special magic ability that set them apart from every other unicorn out there.
All we know about magic for certain is that it’s centralized in the horn, and can only be used by unicorns for some reason. Science has lead us to believe that magic is created from some kind of gland within a unicorn’s body that upon reaching maturity begins to develop its form of magic. The magic it creates they believe is affected by that unicorn’s DNA.
This meant that you were born with magic, and you couldn’t just learn it over time. You could use your magic to learn new spells and such, but there were some abilities that could only be used if you were born with them. This also meant that earth ponies and pegasi could never learn magic no matter how hard they tried.
My sister was born with a sixth sense for finding gemstones, and as a result she used her talent to fuel her desire to become a fashion designer. Others could emulate her magic through a spell, but none could find them quite as well as she did. For a long time I had thought my abilities would be a lot like her’s.
“Welcome home little sister!” An enthusiastic Rarity called out to me as I approached the stairs to head to my room.
She had measuring tapes strung around her neck and bits of thread hanging out of her coat all over. It was clear she had been struck by “inspiration”, again and was working on new outfits for probably the better half of the day.
Rarity, February 10th, 2016 an innocent bystander killed in an armed robbery.
“How was school?” She asked.
“Same old, same old…” I shrugged.
“Oh… Just going to go up to your room I suppose…?” She questioned.
I nodded.
She turned away with a rather crushed look on her face as she returned to her work. It was like this almost every day now. Rarity would try and get me to open up and I would ignore the attempts and seclude myself in my room where I could be away from her and everypony else.
It all started about two years ago when I was eleven and started to get my magic. Not too long after my special magic ability started to develop. It wasn’t long after that I realized how cursed I was to have such a talent.
My talent isn’t like any other that I know, and if I could swap it for any other talent I would in a heartbeat.
You see, anytime I look at any pony I can see when and how they’re going to die. I must have seen at least ten thousand different ponies’ deaths in just the short two years I’ve had this ability. At first I thought it meant I was supposed to try and prevent those ponies from dying, but I once attempted to prevent a death, only to realize it happened anyways. I was only supposed to know when and how they would die, nothing more; I was powerless to prevent the deaths no matter what I did.
Probably the worst part about this ability was the fact that there was no way to turn it off. After I saw the vision of a pony’s death, I would see their date of death and their cause of death any time I looked at them.
“Say Sweetie Belle, do you think perhaps you could fetch me my gold silk from upstairs? It should be in my inspiration room,” Rarity called up the stairs to me.
I sighed.
“Yeah, sure thing,” I answered.
I retrieved the golden fabric from the mess that Rarity called an inspiration room and trotted back downstairs casually to hand it over to my elder sister.
Rarity took the fabric with a smile on her face and bowed her head in gratitude.
“Sweetie Belle… Perhaps we should watch a movie or something together tonight?” Rarity suggested out of the blue.
I had already guessed that the fabric thing was just an excuse to keep me from going upstairs and ignoring her until dinner time. She was always trying to get us to do things together; sometimes I gave in and played along, while others I did not.
“If you want to…” I shrugged.
Rarity gave a disappointed look; clearly it wasn’t the answer she was hoping for from me.
“Well what do you want to do?” She questioned.
“I want to go up to my room,” I replied.
She sighed and nodded.
“If that’s what you want I suppose…” She said.
Rarity had been trying to get to the bottom of my sudden lack of interest in just about anything since she first caught on about two years ago. I had been through so many therapists and just about every school councilor there was, and not one could figure out what was wrong with me. It wasn’t a surprise though; none of them understand what I understand. They wouldn’t even be able to begin to comprehend what it’s like to know how and when everypony you meet is going to die.
The first time I had seen Rarity’s death, I was crushed; I didn’t know how to react, or what I should have been doing. My own sister was supposed to die in only a matter of a few years, and she wasn’t even going to see it coming.
That was how I viewed it at first, but after about two years of knowing when it was going to happen, I had come to accept it as the inevitable. I was already making plans on where I would go to live after it happened, and how I would get by without her. The only good that came from this curse was that I could grieve while she was still alive, so that when the time came I could move on quickly.
“I’ll be upstairs if you need me…” I said.
“Right… I’ll call you at dinner time…” Rarity replied solemnly.
My room was the only place I could go where I wouldn’t be haunted by knowing other ponies’ deaths.
I closed the door behind me and approached the vanity next to my light purple bed and sat down in front of it. I started to brush my mane carefully in attempt to relax myself.
The odd thing about sitting in front of the mirror was that I saw my own reflection, just my own reflection. No death date and no cause of death, just my own reflection. The only pony that I could not see the date and cause of death for was myself ironically. That may be the only cause and date of death I actually cared about at this point, but I couldn’t see it. Every other pony’s death would be predicted, but my own still a surprise.
It was probably a good thing that I couldn’t see how I was going to die though, as then I’d probably only fall into insanity knowing that the day is creeping closer and closer.
After about ten minutes of just brushing my mane aimlessly I threw myself onto the bed carelessly. I couldn’t sleep, but I enjoyed staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars plastered all over my ceiling. I remember when Rarity and I put them up there when I was younger. They reminded me of a time when my life wasn’t as complex and depressing.
I laid there for what felt like hours just staring up at the glowing stars in my room. I didn’t want to do anything else, nothing I could do felt like it would matter anyways.
There were times where I considered telling somepony about my abilities, but none of them would understand, and they’d probably just think I was crazy. As a result, I just kept my little “gift”, to myself.
I had considered telling Rarity she was going to die soon, I had even thought about trying to prevent it, but I knew it’d be pointless in the end.
When I first obtained this magic, I saw a mare near a construction site. I saw her death happen in my mind. She was to be crushed by a falling steel girder. I rushed to push her out of the way, only to watch her get crushed by a second steel girder. When I saw the second girder fall, I realized it was the one from the vision, and not the one I had pushed her out of the way from. That meant the prediction took into account me attempting to save her. I had tried several times after that to prevent deaths from happening, all with the same result; failure. The future was set in stone, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t change it, or prevent it.
Death was clearly something that worked on a level higher than magic did, and wouldn’t bend for any pony.
“Sweetie Belle, dinner is ready, dear!” The voice of my sister called up the stairs.
Sighing, I pulled myself up and trotted my way downstairs to the kitchen. I could smell an aroma of spices and fresh pasta from the moment I set hoof outside my door. Rarity had made spaghetti, and I could tell long before I even got to the table.
Upon arriving in the kitchen Rarity turned to my direction and shot me a pleasant sisterly smile. I didn’t even bother returning it to her. Instead I just sat myself down at the small table. Rarity joined me without saying anything.
We sat there eating in silence, well more like Rarity eating and me spinning spaghetti around on a fork in a bored manner.
“Are you alright Sweetie Belle? You’ve barely touched your dinner,” Rarity finally asked after five minutes of us just sitting there in absolute silence.
“Fine, I guess I’m just not that hungry…” I sighed.
Rarity gave me another concerned look. She looked pained and confused at the same time. I felt bad for making her feel so worried about me.
“You know you can tell me anything right?” She smiled lightly.
“I know,” I responded still playing with my food.
She sighed.
“How are things with your therapist going?” She changed the subject.
“I suffer from chronic depression, and he’s not sure why. He’s shocked as to why the medication isn’t doing anything, and is considering upping the dosage again.” I replied.
“Again? That’s the third time…” Rarity spoke with a worried tone.
They weren’t ever going to do anything. I was taking some of the largest doses of the most expensive anti-depressants in existence, and they weren’t doing anything. There wasn’t any medication that could make anypony “okay”, with my “condition”.
“Well… If that’s what he says is best for you…” Rarity sighed.
“Whatever you say, sis,” I responded.
2 Years Ago
"Good morning Sweetie Belle! I made us a fabulous breakfast this morning; you're absolutely going to love it!" Rarity exclaimed.
I was still trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes as I let out a yawn.
Approaching the table I tried to adjust to my waking state. Rarity appeared to have been up for hours already. One didn't really need an alarm clock when they had Rarity for a sister. With her busy schedule she would be up and about to take care of her many chores, even on a Saturday like this one.
The moment I sat down Rarity had a feast in front of me. Orange juice, toast, fresh sunny side up eggs, muffins, and even some baked cress croissants were pushed in front of me. Rarity had cooking skills that may even rival that of Pinkie Pie, the local baker.
"Eat up, let's not let this meal go to waste," Rarity teased.
I nodded and reached for the first bite of my eggs. I levitated it towards myself and managed to get it in my mouth with fumbling. I had been practicing to control my magic for a few weeks now, and I was actually quite proud of the progress I was making. Before I was drop my food everywhere and only succeed in making a huge mess.
"You're getting better with your magic I see," Rarity complimented.
“Just a matter of practicing,” I yawned.
“Well, it seems to be working,” Rarity smiled.
“Before you know it, you’ll be on par with your big sister.” She added.
I rolled my eyes at the thought and started to tilt my head down to focus on my food. My attention however was grabbed by Rarity. Looking back up quickly to meet her something astounding happened.
The world around me crumbled, everything vanished. No longer was I sitting in the breakfast nook of the kitchen in the Carousel Boutique, but instead in the dirt of a messy street.
As I looked up I could see Rarity adorned in her favorite scarf with just a few snowflakes decorating it here and there. It made no sense to me, it was early spring, yet from what I was witnessing it was clearly snowing outside and the need for winter attire was apparent. The part that was the most peculiar however was the fact that I didn’t feel any colder; I was unchanged.
Rarity was heading into the local bakery, but my attention was more or less directed towards the shady individual leaving the bakery. Rarity and he made eye contact for only a brief instant.
Without much further hesitation he grabbed her and jabbed her with his front right hoof. A piercing noise rang through the air.
I froze in shock. What had I just witnessed? Why?
“Sweetie Belle? What’s wrong?” An unharmed Rarity asked from across the table.
When I gained control of my eyes again I was sitting back at the breakfast table. In front of me was the same meal that was there only a few minutes ago.
Peering up at Rarity I could see something above her head that wasn’t there before, a date.
“Nothing… Nothing at all…” I lied.
“So Sweetie Belle, we still on for my place tomorrow night?” Asked a friendly voice.
“I guess…” I shrugged.
She didn’t seem to enjoy this response. Speeding up to get closer to me, she pulled up by my side on her scooter.
Scootaloo, August 2nd, 2026 by a flying accident.
“Man, what is with you Sweetie Belle? You never want to do anything anymore… I’m really worried about you…” She said.
“I’m just going through some changes I guess…” I sighed.
Scootaloo slowed down to keep my pace.
“What kind of changes? You can tell me…” Scootaloo was nearly whispering.
I sighed and shook my head.
“It’s nothing, you wouldn’t understand anyways,” I assured.
For some reason she became mildly irritated.
“Trust me; I think I could understand just about anything these days…” She admitted while turning away from me.
Scootaloo had been extremely mysterious in the past few weeks. A lot of the other students had noticed she was skipping class a lot and that she was exhausted a majority of the time. Whenever I got a chance to sit down and talk to her she seemed to be eager to go somewhere. She even appeared mildly fidgety in this particular meeting as well.
“Is there something going on with you? You’ve been acting strange for the past few weeks,” I changed the subject.
She laughed.
“Pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think?” She smirked.
“I’ve just been really busy with stuff outside of school is all, takes up a lot of my free time,” She added.
That answer didn’t seem right to me. I had a feeling she was lying, but I decided to make nothing of it.
“This isn’t about me though, it’s about you…” Scootaloo said.
“I don’t want to talk about it…” I sighed.
Scootaloo skidded her scooter in front of me and blocked my path. I was always impressed by how quickly she could move.
“You never want to talk about it… I’m getting sick of that answer, and so is every pony else. What is going on with you?” She barked.
I tried not to look her in the eyes.
“Just forget it Scootaloo…” I attempted to coax her out of the conversation.
“No! I’m sick of this! You think you have it so tough? You think you’re the only one with problems? I got news for you: you’re not.” Scootaloo’s face was turning red with anger.
I didn’t fully understand what was upsetting her so much.
“I don’t think anypony has a problem quite like mine,” I retorted.
“Maybe if you told somepony they’d at least be able to help,” Scootaloo suggested.
“It’s too complicated to explain…” I sighed.
“Of course it is… You’re Sweetie Belle, everything is complicated with you! Nopony could possibly comprehend the deep enigma that is Sweetie Belle,” she rolled her eyes.
“What’s it to you anyways?” I raised a brow.
“I’m your friend, and I’m sick of seeing you like this!” She yelled.
There was a moment of silence between the two of us.
“What if I told you that I have a curse…?” I broke the silence.
Her expression turned to one of interest.
“Curses don’t exist Sweetie Belle,” she rolled her eyes.
“I suppose you’re right…” I sighed.
Scootaloo approached me casually and placed a hoof around my neck carefully. Pulling us closer together she gave me a smile.
“Sweetie Belle, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have implied that your problems are meaningless, I’m just a little stressed lately. If you don’t want to talk about it, then all I can do is wait. I’ll be here for you whenever you need somepony to talk to.” Scootaloo smiled warmly.
“Out of curiosity, what’s got you so stressed out?” I questioned.
She shook her head.
“It’s just some random junk, don’t worry about it. I’m more concerned about you than anything else.” She was quick to change the subject.
“Thanks, Scootaloo. I’ll keep that in mind…” I smiled.
“No problem.” She smiled back.
Rarity and I sat in the same familiar silence that came with dinner time. Neither of us had the courage to try and start conversation, for we always knew what direction it would head.
I attempted to force myself to consume the food in front of me that I really wasn’t interested in. As I sat there something came over me and made me feel compelled to say something.
“School was good…” I started.
Rarity raised her vision to my level quickly at my words.
“I’m glad, what did you do today?” She smiled.
“It wasn’t so much school itself, but what happened after school; I had a conversation with Scootaloo that made me feel a little better about myself I suppose.” I answered.
“What did she say?” Rarity asked curiously.
“It’s not so much what she said, but just her in general I guess. I can’t really describe it… I guess you’d have to have been there…” I shrugged.
Rarity’s smile grew.
“I’m glad that she could help then,” Rarity said.
“Rarity… Have you ever felt like you were… Cursed…?” I questioned.
My sister gave the same confused expression that Scootaloo gave me earlier. I suppose it was a fairly out of the ordinary thing to ask somepony out of the blue.
“Well, there have been times when I felt a dark cloud was hanging over my head, but I can’t really say that I’ve ever felt like I was cursed. I don’t think it’s wise to submit to such ideas anyways. Once you start humoring curses and such you’ll only live in a world of misery,” she explained.
Sometimes I forgot how smart Rarity could be at times. She may not have acted like the cleverest of ponies, but she certainly had some experience under her belt.
“That makes a lot of sense actually,” I replied.
“Sometimes I feel like something bad is going to happen, but I do my best to shake it off. Still though it feels like there’s just a dark storm over my head that won’t seem to go away… But I’m not going to let that get me down!” Rarity gave a positive gesture.
Oh Rarity, if only you knew the dark cloud above your head…
I glanced up at the words hanging over Rarity’s head. I knew there was no way that she could read them, but somehow I felt as though she knew they were there.
If only I could tell you…
“So, what do you want to do first? We can stay up all night watching scary movies, or we can play video games until we pass out… You’re the guest so you get first choice,” said an orange pegasus.
Scootaloo wasn’t exactly a pony that I had a lot in common with, but somehow we remained friends. Applebloom, her and I didn’t hang out together as much as we used to ever since we got into middle school, but we tried to stay in touch with each other, with me making the least effort. I was always making excuses not to be around them.
Her parents were hardly ever home, so they usually had Rainbow Dash babysit her when they weren’t around. This worked out to both of their advantage as it gave the two a chance to spend more time with each other.
“Whatever, I don’t care…” I shrugged.
Scootaloo’s normally exuberant personality took a dip for a moment.
“Come one Sweetie Belle, cheer up… This sleepover is supposed to be fun,” She scolded.
“Perhaps she just needs a chance to see how we party around here?” An older voice called from behind us.
Doing a half circle turn I was facing a larger turquoise mare with a majestic multi-colored mane. Her face was adored with an excited grin.
Rainbow Dash, April 29th, 2019 by tuberculosis.
“I just came up because I remembered that Rarity told me to make sure you took your medication.” Dash offered a set of three pill bottles to me.
I popped the cap off of all of them and swallowed a pill from each without any water and handed the containers back to her. They may as well have been sugar pills because they certainly weren’t doing anything.
“Enough talking, let’s get some horror movies going!” Scootaloo exclaimed.
Dash and her both cheered with enthusiasm as they threw themselves in front of the television. I followed mindlessly and watched half heartedly.
There was a film about some pony trying to escape a serial killer with her friends. Most of it was pretty predictable and cliché. It was kind of odd to watch a movie about ponies dying; I was so used to knowing how ponies were going to die, that it was fairly amusing to watch a movie where I couldn’t predict it happening.
I only really caught about half of it, as I spent most of the film just thinking silently to myself, but the ending caught my attention.
The main character ends up figuring out that she was responsible for a majority of the murders in the movie. She is overwhelmed with guilt, so much guilt that she proclaims she can’t live with herself anymore knowing what she did. So the final scene she takes a noose and hangs herself.
“That was awesome!” Dash and Scootaloo exclaimed in unison.
“What’d you think Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo turned to me.
“It was… Interesting,” I replied.
“So Sweetie Belle, how do you feel about the medicine? Do you think it’s working?” Asked a colt in a clean white medical jacket.
Bandage Mend, July 1st, 2041 by heart failure.
“I still feel like garbage, so I guess it’s not working,” I replied.
He sighed and made a few marks on his clipboard.
“I don’t think we can legally make your doses any higher. You’re already on adult doses, and we’ve exhausted the list of possible drugs that can help you.” He sighed.
There wasn’t a drug around that could help me. I was a lost cause, and the sooner they figured that out and let it go, the sooner they’d stop wasting their time. I didn’t want more drugs, and I didn’t want more treatment, as there wasn’t any available that would make me feel any better, and that was certain to me.
“It doesn’t matter anyways, the drugs won’t work. You can’t fix how terrible life is sometimes with some magic pills, it’d be nice, but it’s just not possible…” I said.
The doctor grew a concerned look similar to one of the many that Rarity would shoot me from time to time.
“Why do you think life is so terrible?” He asked.
“Do you believe in fate doctor?” I returned his question with one of my own.
“Can’t say that I do,” He said.
“Fate is the idea that everything happens for a reason, and by that logic it means everything is set in stone and we can’t change it. In other words we’re not the ones who decide our destiny, but something else does. We’re just stuck to walk along the path pre-determined for us.” I responded.
His eyebrow rose with confusion.
“That’s a rather grim way of looking at things don’t you think?” The doctor questioned.
“It’s the truth though,” I said plainly.
“How are you so certain?” He asked.
“I just am,” I glared in his direction.
These meetings were always a waste of my time. Just a doctor telling me how messed up in the head I was, and how we needed to find the right medication to correct the issue.
Rarity always took forever to pick out what she wanted when she was shopping. She made sure to check every single item on a shelf before picking one; every brand name, expiration date, package quality, ingredient, health information panel, everything. She would then after inspecting every single variety of an item ask the opinion of any nearby shoppers, and finally make a decision on something, which usually is not the item they recommended anyways.
“Sweetie Belle, how do you feel about vegetable soup tonight?” She asked while examining three cans.
“I don’t care…” I shrugged.
Placing the cans down she turned to face me. She gave me another one of those “I wish you would just cheer up”, expressions.
“Oh Sweetie Belle… I just wish there was something I could do to make you happy… I really miss seeing you smile…” She frowned.
“Well wish in one hand…” I rolled my eyes.
“I can’t help but think that something is wrong that you’re not telling anypony… I just can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to this than you’re letting on,” Rarity sighed.
“It’s complicated…” I turned away from her trying to end the conversation.
“If you’d just let me in and tell me I might be able to understand,” She smiled at me.
“Forget it, it wouldn’t change anything…” I scoffed.
Rarity sighed and continued shopping.
“I just wish there was something I could do to fix the problem…” She added.
Rarity just didn’t realize that I already had a solution to the problem. I couldn’t stand knowing what I did, it was a constant nightmare. I wanted to just wake up and it all be over; the solution was so obvious now, I don’t get why I didn’t think of it sooner.
I had to kill myself.
“The answer is forty-seven, when you subtract five and multiply by one point two, you have to make sure that you get the order of operations correctly,” I spoke.
“Very good Sweetie Belle,” Cheerilee grinned.
I was only half paying attention to the lecture Cheerilee was giving at this point. The only thing on my mind was how I wanted to end my suffering. I couldn’t stand living with this curse anymore; I just wanted it all to end, even if it meant death.
I had gotten the idea from that movie I watched at Scootaloo’s house. My original thoughts were what if I tried to do it and my death wasn’t supposed to happen then? I quickly ruled out that scenario though, as I remembered that every death was set in stone, which meant if I did actually die then I was meant to kill myself.
The second obstacle though was how to pull it off. Even if I wanted to do it, I knew my body would still try and chicken out at the last minute. It had to be in a way that was practical and I couldn’t back out of.
That ruled out drowning, cutting myself, or anything that would require constant application on my own volition.
I also knew that there was no way I could get somepony else to kill me. There wasn’t anypony I knew that would commit murder even if it was my desire to die. They’d just lecture me about everything I had to live for despite not knowing what I have to go through every day.
There were other factors to take into account as well, such as if I should leave a note. What would that note say? Should I bother explaining my situation, or just let them believe I was too stressed out about my situation and decided to take the coward’s way out. Did I care if that’s how they remembered me?
Where would I do it? I couldn’t just do it at home there for Rarity to find, it was devastate her, and the last thing I wanted was to create more trauma for my caring older sister.
There was so much more to killing one’s self than I first thought.
“Sweetie Belle, do you mind if I come in?” Rarity asked peeking through a crack in the door.
“Yes, please go away…” I complained as I buried my face into a pillow.
Rarity of course ignored my request and saw herself in anyways. I didn’t much see the point in asking if she was just going to do as she pleased, but then again it was her house.
I felt her sit down gingerly on the edge of the bed.
“Sweetie Belle, I’m worried about you… All you ever do is hide up in your room and refuse to talk to anypony. I’ve been trying to be patient with you, thinking to myself that perhaps you just need time and then you’ll open up and talk about it. It’s been nearly two years though, and you’ve not uttered a word as to what’s wrong. Sweetie Belle, I’m your sister, and I love you; you can tell me anything and I’ll understand, I promise…” She spoke softly.
I didn’t even bother lifting my head from my pillow. The last thing I needed was to see those words above her head right now.
“I don’t want to talk about it, go away.” I muffled.
Rarity sighed.
“Is it something I’ve done? Am I spending too much time with work? I can hire and assistant and spend less time at work if you want.” She guessed.
Rarity loved work; she was truly serious if she was offering to work less. Making dresses was all that Rarity looked forward to in the day.
I tilted my head so that my mouth wasn’t covered by the fabric of the pillow before speaking again.
“It’s nothing you’ve done… Don’t take time off of work for me; it would just be wasted time anyways…” I replied.
Her voice grew more concerned.
“What is wrong then?” She leaned in.
“I can’t tell you…” I said.
“Why not?” She pried.
“I just can’t, leave it at that…” I retorted.
“Has somepony hurt you? Tell me, please!” Rarity begged.
I rolled off of the bed and wandered around the room fidgeting. It was getting harder and harder to keep the truth from her. I didn’t want to expose Rarity to the reality of my powers; I didn’t want to put the same curse on her.
“No, it doesn’t matter anyways…” I gave off an angry tone.
“Of course it matters!” Rarity protested.
“No, it doesn’t! I don’t matter, nothing matters!” I yelled.
“What are you saying?” Rarity had tears welling up in her eyes.
“I’m saying that everything is pointless, and that it’s a waste of time to even bother trying to fix it. The doctors are never going to figure out what’s wrong or why I feel like this.” I explained.
“We’ll find better doctors if you need them-“ I cut her off.
“Then it’s just a more expensive waste of time,” I said.
Rarity was still holding back her tears at this point.
“Why are you doing this?” Rarity questioned.
“Because, I’m sick of all of this! I’m sick of being this way! I’m sick of life sucking this much! I’m sick of everything!” I screamed.
“Things will get better, I promise!” Rarity assured.
I grinded my teeth for a moment. I was so frustrated that I could have said anything at that point.
“YOU’RE SO STUPID RARITY! THINGS JUST DON’T MAGICALLY FIX THEMSELVES!” I screamed.
I regretted my outburst immediately.
“I just thought that with a little hope things would look up…” She could no longer hold her tears back now. They streamed down her cheeks without anything to stop them now.
“Rarity… I…” I stuttered.
“No, it’s fine. It’s my fault; I shouldn’t pry so much… I’ll leave you alone…” She saw herself out quickly before I had a chance to say anything more on the matter.
I growled out of anger at the situation and smashed a nearby bottle of perfume sitting under my vanity.
The stars on my ceiling seemed a lot more spread out than usual. For some reason they all felt like they were farther apart than the last time I had gazed at them. It was odd, as I knew for a fact that they hadn’t moved at all, as it’s physically impossible, but for some reason my eyes kept making me believe they were moving farther apart.
I had spent the better part of my night deciding on the details of my suicide. I would do it in the Everfree Forest in the middle of the night. That way nopony would see me do it, and there was always the chance that my body would be eaten by wild animals.
It took me a while to figure out how I was going to pull it off, but I finally decided that I would take some of Rarity’s cleaning chemicals and drink them; once consumed there would be no way for me to back down, and I’d be so far away from civilization that nopony would come to rescue me. I had searched on the internet all day to find the most potent poisons to ensure that my death would come quicker.
It took care of many of the obstacles of how I was going to actually perform the act, but the decision to leave a note behind or not was a tough one to make.
My friends and family deserved a reason as to my actions, but at the same time I couldn’t just share the truth with them, as they’d never believe it. If I left no reason behind then it eliminated the issue but left them with a dead Sweetie Belle and no reasoning as to why. They would at the very least want some kind of closure on the situation.
It was obvious to most who knew me that I was depressed for many years and on several medications that weren’t working; would this really come as a surprise to many? I could just leave it to their imagination. That sounded like the best plan.
My thoughts fell on Rarity for a moment. How would she react to me being gone? I felt guilty knowing that I was going to upset Rarity, but my mind was already made up; this was what I wanted to do, but I just couldn’t leave Rarity with no kind of closure.
I pushed myself up and over to my desk near the door and pulled out a sleeve of paper. It wasn’t the fanciest of papers to leave a final message on, but it would have to do. I started scribbling down the first words that came to mind.
“Dear Rarity,
You’re probably really confused as to what happened, and more than likely upset about my decision. I just wanted to let you know that it isn’t your fault, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.
I have issues that I realized I’m never going to be able to get around; things that are just far bigger than me.
There’s no way I can expect you to understand my situation even if I explained it in greater detail, as you’d probably never believe me anyways. I hope you will believe me though when I say that I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you about it. It’s not exactly something that I enjoy discussing or thinking about.
I love you Rarity, and you’re probably the best sister I could have ever asked for, and I appreciate you supporting me and putting up with me so much in my time of need. Although I’m taking the coward’s way out, I just thought you should know that my love for you hasn’t changed and you’ll always be my older sister.”
Checking it over once I slid it into the desk. She would find it sometime after I was gone.
“Come on Sweetie Belle, it’s your turn!” An overly excited Applebloom cheered.
I put on a fake smile and rolled a set of dice and moved my little plastic marker across the board game we were playing. Scootaloo followed suite and took her turn right after mine.
“Sweetie Belle, y’all might actually win one this time!” Applebloom teased.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I faked a chuckle as best I could.
“This is the happiest I’ve seen you in years Sweetie Belle, what’s the occasion?” My older sister sitting across from me at the table questioned.
“Just trying to have a good time with friends,” I lied.
The truth was that I wanted to leave them all with a happy memory of me before it was too late. I didn’t want to go and all my friends had to remember me by was nothing but years of sadness and depression. I wanted their final memories of their friend Sweetie Belle to be at least a tiny bit joyous.
“It’s nice to see for a change,” Rarity smiled brightly.
“Definitely!” Applebloom and Scootaloo spoke in unison.
“Thanks you guys…” I grinned sheepishly.
“We’ve been worried about you…” Scootaloo admitted.
The others nodded in agreement with the young filly.
“You guys shouldn’t worry about me…” I lied.
“We’re your friends Sweetie Belle, it’s our job to worry ‘bout y’all.” Applebloom chimed in.
I didn’t understand why, but for some reason I felt compelled to ask them a certain question.
“Say girls… What would you do if you knew when you were going to die…?” I asked.
Scootaloo and Applebloom both looked at each other questioningly then turned back to me with smiles.
“Well, I’d try to live life to the fullest!” Scootaloo proclaimed.
I was a little surprised by her answer.
“Even if you were to die the very next day?” I asked curiously.
“Especially then. Why waste your last day alive feelin’ sorry for yourself?” Applebloom answered for her.
“Rarity can we talk…?” I crept into Rarity’s room.
“Of course, come in.” She instructed.
I came into the room all the way now and noticed Rarity was getting into her night attire. She was just as beautiful as always.
“Rarity… I wanted to say… That I’m sorry… For the other day… I didn’t mean to say you were stupid… You’re just looking out for me, and I’m ungrateful…” I turned away shamefully.
Rarity turned to my direction and approached me carefully as if she was afraid to scare me away.
“Sweetie Belle, I’m your sister… I could never stay mad at you, regardless of anything you may say. I know that right now you need me more than ever, and I’m willing to be patient with you.” She smiled.
“You’d probably be better off forgetting about me…” I sighed.
“Don’t say things like that,” She replied.
“It’s true though, I’m a lost cause… I’ll never be the same Sweetie Belle again…” I said.
She pulled my face to face her.
“All I want… All I’ve wanted this whole time… Is my sister back…” Rarity spoke.
“Thank you Rarity… You’re the best sister I could have ever asked for…” I smiled.
It was the truth, Rarity was the best sister anypony could have. She was too good to have a sister like me. I didn’t deserve somepony as caring as she was. Why did she have to die in only two years while there were thousands less deserving than her that would live a full life; I would give anything to trade away the remainder of my life to Rarity.
I had made sure that all of them were asleep before I tried to slip downstairs to the bathroom. I grabbed a few bottles of cleaning chemicals from under the sink and slipped them into a saddlebag. I took extra care to make sure I grabbed the most harmful that I had looked up before.
Before leaving I just wanted to see Rarity one last time. I trotted up to her room and slipped in unheard.
Rarity was sprawled out in her bed looking rather disorganized for herself. It was amusing to see her with her mane all messed up and no makeup on. She was still just as beautiful in this state though was the funny thing.
“I love you Rarity…” I whispered as a I kissed her forehead.
With those parting words I left her there as I headed towards the forest. I wanted to get it over with while it was all still fresh in my mind.
It was cold that night; fortunately I wouldn't need a jacket on this adventure despite the weather.
I imagined what it must be like for the animals out in the forest. They would probably hide in their dens or snuggle up to each other for warmth on a night like this. I took comfort for a brief moment as I thought about all the woodland creatures.
I found a good spot about half a mile into the woods clear of most trees and shrubbery. A smile was brought to my face when I admired it for how perfect it was. I couldn't have asked to die in a nicer place I think. It was quiet and peaceful, just what I wanted.
I took a deep inhale then an exhale. It was now or never. Unscrewing the cap off of the first cleaner bottle I tried to set my mind at ease. This was going to be the end of all my problems, my salvation. I would finally be in a place where I couldn't see everyone dying around me, a place where I could finally be free of my curse.
I lifted the bottle to my lips carefully. It was the moment of truth, just take a big swig of the terrible liquid and swallow it without thinking about it. It sounded so much more simple than it actually was. I was curious as to how many out there were about to make the same decision I was right now. How many out there just couldn't take it anymore, enough to make that final decision.
I was expecting it to be so easy, just take a gulp and wait, but my body was frozen. I couldn't get myself to take that first sip. If I could just get the first sip out of the way then it was all easier from there. My survival instincts were working against me.
My whole body felt numb. I couldn't tilt the bottle the two inches I needed to finish the job.
"Come on Sweetie Belle, you're almost there..." I thought out loud.
I still couldn't get the bottle to budge.
"Come on! Just do it and stop hesitating!" I yelled.
No luck, my body just wouldn't let me do it.
My brain remembered Applebloom and Scootaloo and what they said earlier.
“Live life to the fullest!” Scootaloo’s voice echoed.
“Why waste your last day alive feelin’ sorry for yourself?” Applebloom’s voice followed.
“I love you little sister…” Rarity’s voice chanted to me.
I dropped the bottle and fell to the ground with it. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even kill myself to escape, I couldn’t hurt my friends like that, I couldn’t hurt Rarity like that. I was cursed to forever spend eternity seeing every pony around me die. It was a nightmare I could never wake up from.
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized the harsh reality of my situation. I had planned it all out so flawlessly, but when the moment finally came I couldn't actually do it. I was to carry this curse until the day I was meant to die. All I could do was pray that day would come soon.
"Students, we have a new student joining us today, so let's try and be friendly and make him feel welcome," Cheerilee instructed.
I wasn't even paying the slightest attention to her. Staring off into space my brain was far too concerned with other things to worry about school.
There was no way to escape my suffering, no salvation for a filly like me, forever cursed to carry this burden by myself. Was there anypony else like me out there? Was there anypony who could understand what I was going through?
The day had slipped away as I let thoughts like these fill my head. I knew that in time I would accept that this was my fate, it was my burden to carry. One day all the ponies around me would die for real, but I wouldn't be able to grieve for them, for I will have known so long in advance.
Looking up to head home a colt caught my eye. He was the new student from earlier that Cheerilee mentioned. He was an impressive looking white unicorn about my age.
I then realized something about him; I couldn't see how he was going to die. There was no vision, no death date and cause floating above his head. For some reason I couldn't see his death.
I hastily approached him before he had a chance to leave.
"Hey," was all I could manage to say.
He eyed me up and down curiously.
"Hey," He responded.
I didn't fully understand why I was there besides the fact that I couldn't see how he was going to die. It never occurred to me that I'd actually have to figure out something to say to him.
"You're new here right?" I asked.
He hesitated before answering.
"Yeah, why?" He said.
I didn't know what to say but I wanted an excuse to keep the conversation going.
"Feel free to say no but... Do you mind walking me home? I don't live too far from here." I requested.
He probably thought I was crazy, just some random filly asking a complete stranger to walk her home. If I was him I'd have turned around and ran probably.
"Yeah sure..." He replied.
I was quite shocked that he said yes. Perhaps my sister's good looks had been rubbing off on me, he was a male after all.
The walk home was actually very pleasant. He explained to me that he had moved here from Canterlot because his parents were concerned about him. He was suffering from chronic depression back home and they thought that living closer to the country side with his cousin would be good for him. I could relate.
The two of us must have talked the whole way back right until the moment we arrived at Rarity’s house.
“So, what’s your name?” He asked me.
“Sweetie Belle…” I replied.
He was acting rather strangely during our entire encounter. Granted the whole situation was awkward, but kept catching him staring at me repeatedly and acting really fidgety.
“Is something wrong?” I bluntly asked.
“It’s just…” He paused.
“I don’t know how to explain it to you without you thinking I’m crazy…” He added.
“Try me,” I smiled.
“I’m just wondering why I can’t see how you’re going to die…” He said.
