Equestrium: Mr. Smith

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Dark, Human, Original Character
Length: 3487

A man living in Ponyville provides a rather special service. When his next target is pointed out he stops just short of dropping the mare off into a shallow grave. It's his job, but he really can't throw his sister in law into the dirt, can he?

A man living in Ponyville provides a rather special service. When his next target is pointed out he stops just short of dropping the mare off into a shallow grave. It's his job, but he really can't throw his sister in law into the dirt, can he?

Published 2015-02-16 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-22 18:26:52 UTC

Family

I walked slowly through the path into the woods. My cart's wheels dug loudly into the soft dirt. I cleared my throat and turned to face the mare at my side. "You know, most clients don't want to be around for this part."

The sparky red mare shook her head. "No. I want her to see my face before she's gone!" The mare stamped a hoof. "Failed me! Ruined my life!"

I kept pulling my cart behind me, two stilts held in either gloved hand. "Sure. ...You ponies ain't exactly too criminally inclined...are ya?"

The mare nodded. "I've stolen stuff before! I know what I'm doing."

I looked back to my cart, the thick cotton tarp laying over the wagon rustled slightly as the mare inside tried to kick free. "This is a little different." I shook my head. "I guess I have my answer though." I rolled my shoulder, jostling the shovel in the cart. "How did you ponies ever deal with people before this."

"Griffons mostly. But they're all like, that's murder and immoral! I don't want your blood money!" The mare scoffed and shook her head. "I'm sitting there like, it's money! And then my dad was like, sweetie stop. And then I found you!"

I bit my lip as we passed through a collection of trees. The cart started to teeter just a bit as I pulled it down and into a clearing. "Hmm, well, it's work." I yanked the cart back onto its wheels, startling the mare inside. "Sorry, just a bump."

A muffled scream rang out from the cart. The mare I was walking with turned around. "Hey, shut up bitch!" She whipped her tail against my leg. "You had this coming!"

I frowned softly and found a decently empty patch of ground. I set the cart spokes down and watched as the mare inside slid out and onto the ground. The mauve colored mare flopped against the dirt, her head wrapped up in a black bag, her hooves bound tight with rope. "Sure she did." I walked over to the cart and pulled out a shovel. "Gotta watch out, fail the wrong kid and some times life will just shit on you I suppose."

I started to dig into the soft Equestria soil. The mare who was paying me just sat and watched the mare who was tied. "Hey so, how you gonna kill her?"

The bagged mare let out a sharp cry. I kept shoveling. "Uh, two shots, one head, one heart. Nice and painless."

The bitch of a mare scratched the ground. "You sure? I was thinking we make her suffer a little, maybe you could have some fun before--"

I thrust my shovel into the ground and turned to the mare. "No rape, no torture, no exceptions." I stared at her, my eyes burning from her brightness. "You hired a professional, now, maybe act the part too." I went back to shoveling. "You know, if you weren't paying, I'd have turned you in and let you rot."

The red mare walked up to my side. "Are you kidding me!? You'd be in jail before you--"

"You'd be in the ground first." I dug in deeper, shifting the dirt for the ponysized hole. "After that, Mr. Smith becomes John Doe." I kept on, the skys overhead covered by trees. "Why don't you go watch the road."

The mare slapped her tail against the ground. "Because I don't freaking want to! I'm paying, I get what--"

I stopped shoveling and turned to her. "You know, if I hear another voice there's gonna be three holes out here, so keep your voice down." I dug in again, my leg starting to hurt. "Not worth the money...having you sit there and watch."

The mare coughed into her hoof. "Well then kill her. That's all I really wanted to see."

I shook my head. "That's sick...and it's really not that interesting."

The mare stamped her hoof. "I wanna see it!"

I stepped out of the grave and brushed my legs off. "Will you leave?"

"Sure! Just blow her brains out!" The mare rubbed her hooves together. "Oh, she's gonna get it!"

I grumbled to myself and walked over to the cart. "You're sick." I picked up the bound mare, letting her rest over my shoulder for the short ride to the grave. "Poor mare doesn't deserve this, I hope you know that--"

The red mare grumbled at me. "Hey, less talky more shooty bang bang."

I sat the mare down on her haunches and turned her chin up towards me. "There's no bang, it's just a loud hiss really."

The mare walked up next to me as I pulled my gun from my side. "Hey wait!" She slapped her wing against my leg. "Take the bag off, I want her to see me."

"No--"

"Yes!" The mare stepped forward and grabbed the bag with her teeth. She ripped it away, revealing the bound mare's face. Tears were streaming down from her bloodshot eyes. A wrapped white cloth was tied around her mouth to keep her from screaming, and the look of utter fear tightened every muscle in her face.

I felt a small jolt of guilt, but I had to fund my wedding, and I wasn't about to disappoint. "There, you happy?"

The red mare laughed heavily. "See Ms. Cheerilee! You should have just let me pass! I could have--"

I cocked my head. "Cheerilee?" I moved my gun away from her head. "Wait wait wait...." I holstered my gun and reached into my back pocket. "Oh you've gotta be kidding me." The mare turned to me, looking me dead in the eyes. Her voice was reduced to a few grunts and mumbles.

I pulled a letter out of my pocket and looked at the address. The mare who hired me gave me a cutie mark and a scheduled, she'd left out the name. I put the letter away. "Great." I pulled my pistol out again.

The red mare scratched the ground. "What? What's--"

Two muffled pops rang out as I fired. Cheerilee let out a muffled scream as the red mare hit the ground. "What a shame." I tucked my gun back away and turned to Cheerilee. "Hey...so-" I looked over to the body, now resting quietly on the ground, "-sorry about that. She was putting out a few hundred thousand on you."

Cheerilee looked up at me, eyes still teary. "Hmm!?"

I shook my head and walked around behind her. I snipped the gag with a utility knife and tossed it into the hole. "There, uh, no just a whole big mess."

"What the--"

I put my hand over her mouth. "Quiet. Quiet.... We've got a corpse here ya know."

Cheerilee huffed into my hand, her eyes starting to water. I slowly pulled my hand away and stepped back. She took a deep breath and wiggled her forelegs in her binding. "Kill me, just--"

"Screw that." I ducked down before her and cut her hooves free. "Do you know how pissed off my wife would be!?"

Cheerilee took a haggard breath. "Just-- Wait, who!?"

I looked back towards the clearing entrance. "Here." I handed her my letter. "Sorry I didn't get these to you sooner, I hope you can make it."

Cheerilee looked at the letter, then straight up to me. "Nick!? You're Nick!?"

I shook my head. "Keep your voice down...."

Cheerilee slammed a hoof into the side of her head. "But I-- You just-- What?!"

I shrugged. "Yeah, work is weird." I rubbed my neck. "Eh, I didn't like her very much anyways."

Cheerilee ran a hoof through her mane. "But-- You're Nick?"

I nodded a few times. "Yep. By the way, you really need to come by more." I put my hand in my pocket and dug my wallet out. I flipped it open to the few pictures of Pinch I had. "Have you seen this little filly? Your niece really misses you, she talks about you all the time."

Cheerilee wobbled side to side slightly. "Berry...I-- Who--"

I walked to her side and held her upright before she could tip over. "Hey, take it easy."

Cheerilee looked up at me. "Take it easy!? You just shot somepony!"

I looked to the now dead mare. "I did, it's my job." I rubbed my brow. "Well, my job was to kill you, but Berry really needs you as a bridesmaid."

Cheerilee looked up at me with her mouth hung open. "Why!? Why would you--"

I pointed to the mare. "Money. I wanted the wedding to be nice, that mare really deserves it."

Cheerilee huffed loudly, her chest beating like a drum. "You can't just kill ponies! You can't--"

I looked to the body. "You do realize she was trying to have you killed, right?" I picked Cheerilee up and slung her over my shoulder. "And nobody is gonna screw with my family, I let her go she would have tried again."

"You're not--"

"Is now really the time to argue semantics?" I set Cheerilee down near the cart. "Future brother in law, relative, whatever you want to call me. You're still family to me." I walked back to the dead mare and kicked her into the grave. "So, I made sure there was an extra invitation, in case you were gonna bring somebody along as a date or something."

Cheerilee let out a shrill moan. "You killed a student!"

I looked at the half buried mare, my hands already working the shovel into the mud. "In fairness, this was more justified than what was about to happen." I made sure to leave the dead mare as unnoticeable as possible. "And nobody! Not a single living creature, is going to mess with my stepdaughter auntie!" I puffed my chest out. "They can try, they can end up like this!" I snorted loudly and turned to Cheerilee. "... Now, I'm really sorry about all this. I should have dropped off that letter before this, saved a lot of time if I had." I rubbed my mouth, Cheerilee still holding her head. "You alright?"

Cheerilee whimpered softly. "No...I need to go home...."

I shook my head. "No...no, you're coming with me. Berry will be happy to see you and we'll order something nice." I walked up to her and lifted her into the cart, uncovered and unbound this time.

Cheerilee laid down as I turned the cart around. "My heart hurts...."

I stopped again and turned to her. I pulled out a bit of cloth from my back pocket and wiped off her eyes. "Listen, you're alright now. I'm one of the few, and by far the best hitman that live in Equestria still. I know a few other ponies who try, they're not good." I dragged my thumb from her eye to her temple. "Now, you get in any trouble, anyone starts following you or treating you bad, you tell me. Okay?"

Cheerilee let out a long groan and melted against my hand. "Ugh. So...does she still drink too much?"

I shook my head and set my sister in law down. "A little, it's under control now." I rubbed my neck. "I really wish she'd told me what you look liked, I mean, sisters can look similar, but colors aren't really the best thing to go off of."

I smiled softly as I pulled the cart through the path in the woods. "I'm really sorry we met like this. Hopefully the wedding will be better."

Cheerilee groaned and rubbed her head. "Berry always picked weird stallions...." She took a deep breath. "... How is Pinch? Still in honors?" she laughed weakly. "She was always such a good student."

I nodded. "Princess Celestia's Honor Roll." I smiled wide as I walked along the path. "She'll be so happy to see you."

Cheerilee scratched the cart with her hooves. "So, what happens now?"

I looked back at her. "Uh, you forget everything you saw, I apologize as much as I can, and you think about who you're bringing. Oh, and find a dress, you've got some time but--" I stopped and backed up a little. "In my back pocket, there's a few thousand bits. Go ahead and take some, get a nice dress and think about what you want to eat. I'm thinking steak."

"This is crazy."

"I know right? Two sisters, both pretty? Long odds right there."

Overwatch

I sat on Cheerilee's roof, the sun was down and I could see her and what looked like a date walking down the street towards me. "Human...young.... Hmm." I rubbed my chin and adjusted the night-vision goggles on my head. "Maybe not too young."

The pair closed in. They were stumbling and already looked about half ready to go at it in the street. "I know, right? The worst." I only caught the tail end of Cheerilee's words. I crawled towards the edge of the roof, watching down on the drunk pair.

They were both smiling. "Yeah...you'd better hope she laughs." I slowly pulled my goggles down as the streetlamps faded away. The world went green, my eyes taking a moment to adjust to the new colorless look. I didn't really like having to spy on Cheerilee, but I'd heard she was going on a date with someone for a while, and I needed to check it out.

The man standing beside my sister leaned against the door. "So, it's pretty late..."

"Oh you fuck...." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "It's dark and I'm horny, can I fuck you?" I scoffed at the horrid attempt at flirting. "God damn, pick up your game shitlord."

Cheerliee reached out and touched his knee. "I'd...love it--if you stayed."

I rubbed my forehead. "Drunks, both of you." I crawled back and sat on the roof. A loud tapping made me nervous, but it slowly turned into a common enough sound. Drunken flailing and stumbling at its finest.

I waited calmly, letting the two go about their half-cut courting. "Come on...got to bed." I looked at my watch, it was already past midnight, and I had to take Berry Pinch to school in the morning.

I ran my hand up and down my gun, waiting for the noises from below to stop. "They're gonna fuck...watch."

A faint thud came from below. "Mark, not so rough!" Cheerilee followed up with a drunken giggle. "Gonna bruise my flank."

"God damn it." I rubbed my mouth. "Great, just-- Fuck it." I crawled over to her chimney spout and tossed a cable over it. I made sure the anchoring was tight and got ready to move. I slid off the edge of her roof and started to walk my way down her wall, upside down with only the rope to keep me from plummeting.

I walked my way down until I spotted them. A hunched over man covered up by a sheet, and Cheerilee holding onto his back with her head tucked beside his neck. "Absolutely disgusting.... Missionary, and under the covers." I gritted my teeth and drew my gun. I fiddled with laser for a bit before it popped on. A bright dot came into view, landing against the back of the man's head. "Make her cum...your life depends on it you fag." I was lying to myself a bit. I loved doing this. Playing evil big brother was almost as much fun as playing daddy to a foal.

Cheerilee's face was calm and soothed, eyes closed, mouth barely open as she grunted and moaned. "Oh Mark...." She slowly opened her eyes. The odd glowy eye thing from my goggles lit her up like a Menorah. "Mark don't--"

I tightened my grip on my gun. "Alright Mark, you--"

I stopped myself as Cheerilee's eyes darted from the back of his head to me. Her mouth slowly plopped open. We stared at eachother silently, Cheerilee getting plowed, me hanging off the end of her roof with a gun.

I nodded slowly, the followed up by shaking my head. I brought my gun hand out and teetered it left and right.

Cheerilee slowly shook her head.

"...Fine." I turned off the laser and grabbed the rope. I swung myself around and started to climb up again. "Waste of time--"

"Mark stop!" Cheerilee shouted from below.

"Game time mother fucker!" I kicked off Cheerilee's wall and let go of the rope. I slammed boot first into her window, shattering the glass and causing both the occupants to scream. "On the ground!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, drawing my gun and causing a neighbor's dog to start barking. "I said get on the ground!"

"What the fuck!?" Mark scrambled back. "Holy shit!"

"Coward!" I turned the laser back on and pointed it at his forehead. "How dare you not put the mare behind you!"

Cheerilee let out a long groan and rubbed her forehead. "Dear Luna...not again."

The pair just sat at the end of Cheerilee's bed, one in utter disbelief, the other shaking in fear. I stood off, pointing my gun square at Mark's head. "You told him to stop, what happened?!"

"Nick put the gun down!"

I shook my head. "Well now he has to die!"

"Nick!" Cheerilee got upright and walked to the end of her bed. "Put the gun away!"

I puffed my cheeks out. "Why'd you tell him to stop--"

"Because there was a murderer at my window!" Cheerilee stomped her hooves on the end of her bed. "Why-are-you-even-here?!" She beat up the sheets bunched up at the foot of her bed and started having a little tantrum. "Was the first time not enough!? Now you're gonna stalk me?"

I looked to Mark. "Hey, I'm just here for quality control. But you told him to stop and he didn't!"

Cheerilee stepped off her bed, brushing broken glass away as she shuffled to me. "You busted the window open like a crazypony half a second after I said it!"

"Well his reflexes weren't fast enough." I lifted my goggles and waited for my eyes to adjust. "See, I know people that are good enough for you. Christ, Jamie, good men. Good with guns, know how to hide a body--"

"No!" Cheerilee stomped her hoof. "I just-- Can you go? Can you just go right now?"

I put my hands up. "Alright.... But if he-- Oh you fuck!" I laughed loudly and pointed to Mark. "Fucker drew a gun on me!" He was kneeling on the bed now, gun trained on my chest. "I love it!"

Cheerilee looked over to the man on the bed. "Another? Does every human have a gun!?"

Mark took a deep breath and stepped off the bed. "Look, I don't know what the fuck--"

I waved my hand at him. "Don't--"

Cheerilee let out a huge scream. "Dear Celestia, just one night! One night without a gun or a death!" Mark and I both took a few steps away from her. "If it's not a student killing a hamster it's you trying to kill my dates!"

"I haven't killed any of your dates, yet." I pulled my gun out. "This might end bad though."

Mark coughed into his hand. "Uh, is there--"

I walked past the screaming mare and over to the naked man. "Hi, Nick Cohen." I stuck my free hand out towards him. "You were banging my sister-in-law."

Mark looked down at my hand. "Okay?" He shook my hand. "So you busted in through the window with a gun?"

"Eh, yeah. Might have jumped the gun a little bit." I stowed my pistol and looked over at Cheerilee. "She deserved a man, stallion-- Someone excellent."

Mark set his gun down on the nightstand, Cheerilee's screams still rattled the room. "You've been watching her dates?"

"No, mostly if they end up getting close to here I'll check it out. The last guy was a griffon and he's currently lost." I laughed into my wrist. "I bagged him and dumped him in the Crystal Empire."

Mark shook his head. "That's fuck up."

I shrugged and turned my head towards Cheerilee. "Anyways, you're smart enough to bring a gun. So...benefit of the doubt for now." I leaned in towards him. "But if I find out you hurt her...you will die. Okay?"

Mark cocked an eyebrow. "I wasn't planning to."

"Good." I pointed to Cheerilee. "I'll pay for the window and all that. You should probably take her to a hotel." I walked over to Cheerilee, the mare still screaming her head off. "Alright, he checks out. Have a good night." I crawled out the window and slowly rappelled my way back down to the street.

He wasn't perfect, but given how angry Cheerilee was, I couldn't really kill her one source of physical release just yet.

Author's Note

Go read this...might keep me working on Mr. Smith.