I Don't Think I'm Supposed to be Here

"How much for the satchel?" I said I held up a sturdily built brown leather bag with the DOTA crest on its buckle.

The man behind the counter started and looked up in surprise. He was completely nondescript in every way, to the point that he couldn't be described at all. Weird, but it didn't really catch my attention.

"I'm sorry, that's not for sale." He glanced past me, and I turned around to follow his gaze. It turns out he was looking at some girl dressed as Templar Assassin. I shrugged and turned back around.

"It's got a $50 price tag." The salesman blanched, "And it matches my shirt."

"I'm saving it for someone else," He shot back as he tossed another glance at the cosplayer.

"Has he or she paid you yet?" I wheedled.

"Well, no, but-"

"Was it a commission or a request?"

"No, but-"

"Then first come, first served." I slipped out my wallet and slung the satchel over my shoulder, failing to notice the symbol start to glow.

"I'll take it."

"NO, WAIT-"

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LEVEL UP +1

Carl Roberts blinked and looked around in confusion. He'd gone from being in front of a stall in the middle of Dragon Con to standing on top of a very dead hydra in the middle of a dense forest and holding an enormous two handed sword. Then he glanced down at himself and started freaking out.

"Why the #### is my blood glowing!?"

He dropped the sword in shock and started patting himself all over.

"Ok, legs, legs are good. Still got arms, got a chest, no boobies, that's very good." He patted his head. His now very bald head, missing the gloriously curly locks that were his pride and joy as a man. He dropped to his knees in growing despair and shouted.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

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Princess Celestia was walking through the castle gardens, enjoying the view of the recently re-petrified Discord when she felt something crunch under one of her hooves. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be a shard of stone with glowing orange and green veins. A growing sense of dread settled in her stomach as she took off through the gardens. She only knew of one kind of rock that looked like that, and if it wasn't where it should be-.  She skidded to a stop in front of the entrance to a secluded corner of the hedge maze and stared in horror at an empty pedestal that was labeled only "Massacre."

Oh, buck, she thought as her eyes followed the shards to a hole in the castle wall. This is just what I needed...

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"Ok, dude, keep it together," I said to myself as I rocked back and forth on my heels, "Panicking won't help you figure out what's going on. Don't freak out, don't freak out." I glanced down at the "shudder" hydra. "Ok, I'm FREAKING OUT!"

I jumped off the dead monster and ran towards the nearest with low hanging branches. Following the instincts of my long dead monkey ancestors I climbed for all I was worth, only calming down enough to stop moving once I was 50 feet off the ground.

"Ok, I'm good. I'm good." I shoved a puff of air out of my mouth as I scanned the surrounding trees for any sort of landmark that migh give me a clue as to here the hell I had ended up.

Now, how did I get here? The last thing I remember is trying to buy this satchel from that merchant, him trying to not sell it, and-that's it. Also, where did that sword go? I looked down at myself, taking a proper diagnosis this time instead of my earlier sloppy inspection. I was still me, more or less, except that my veins were glowing with random moving splotches of orange and green that seemed to follow my blood vessels. I was dressed a pair of jeans, converses,a DOTA 2 shirt and the satchel that I was pretty sure was responsible for all this.

Hmm.

If it sent me here, and it appeared to be connected to DOTA, then maybe... On a hunch, I stuck my left hand into the bag and said "Butterfly." I felt something appear in my grasp, and pulled out a very familiar looking green blade. Ah, so this thing is how the DOTA heroes store their items.

"Ok," I asked the tree trunk, "what kind of a sorry excuse for a story did I stumble into?" Given that the tree didn't reply, probably not one of those tales that went "**** reality," and then did whatever the hell it wanted. Whether that was a good thing remained to be seen.

I did a quick inventory, don't ask me how, I don't know either. I appeared to have access to every item in the game, plus the complete skill list of every hero, more gold than I knew what to do with, and- what have we here? I pulled out two small crystals that seemed to pulse with power. Now why in the where-ever-the-####-I-am would I have matching pieces of Radiant and Dire? Huh. It was weird, but I couldn't think of any decent explanation and set them aside for when I had more information.

I was also level capped, but that didn't make any sense. I only have one skill point to allocate, which implied that I've placed others previously. However, I didn't remember doing so, or any of the farming that - my brain screeched to a halt. I must have forgotten whatever caused me to level up. Well, that was foreboding. I found the concept of memory alteration to be especially creepy, and even the mere thought that it had happened to me made me want to take a shower: in sulfuric acid. I just hoped my blackout wasn't particularly lengthy.

I shook my head to clear it. I couldn't exactly answer I wanted here, so I decided to do the only logical thing: follow the path of destruction. I appeared to have torn a new road through the forest, one that was littered with the remains of other dead creatures. Creatures that looked way too familiar. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that this place looked like-

"Girls, there he is!"

"Get 'im!"

Oh no, why me? Stupid fanfiction crossovers.

Earlier

"You summoned us, Princess?"

Twilight's words broke Celestia out of her reminiscing, and rather forcefully returned her to the present. She blinked down at her little ponies before putting on benevolent smile #5, the one the says "You just interrupted me, but I don't blame you for it," which was distinct from #6, which said, "You just interrupted me and now you're going to regret it."

"Yes, Twilight. I called you all here to tell you about a new threat that just returned."

"Seriously!?" explained Rainbow Dash, "We just finished fighting Discord!"

"And I am eternally grateful for it," Celestia replied, "But I must ask for your help one last time before you can rest. This foe is both more and less dangerous than Discord ever could be."

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.

"Where discord is clever and erratic, Massacre is raw power. It tries to kill everything in sight, pony or otherwise, doesn't speak, doesn't stop, and gets stronger with every fallen victim. It can't be reasoned with, and acts almost completely mindless. While it's extremely dangerous to any unprepared creature it might come across, it took the elements at point blank range and didn't even try to stop or avoid them. It should be pretty easy for you to hit it with them again once you find him."

"An' just how are we supposed to do that?" asked Applejack.

Celestia gestured towards a nearby window. When the mane six looked out through it, they saw a decent sized hole carved into the nearby forest. "Just follow the path of destruction."

"Psh, this'll be easy!" Rainbow Dash boasted. "Don't worry princess we'll stop him!"

"Got that right," drawled Applejack.

"I concur," Rarity chimed in.

"Yeah," whispered Fluttershy.

"Okie-dokie-lokie. When we get back I'll throw a 'we-beat-two-villains-in-a-row' party!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

"That settles it, then," said Twilight. "But Princess, how will we recognize this "Massacre?"

"It's tall, bipedal, hairless, tailless, skinny, and glows green and orange." Celestia said as she switched to #2, the knowing smile. "I think you'll know it when you see it."

"Ok, then. Thanks Princess," Twilight said with a forced smile, "Come on, everypony, let's nail this thing so we an go home."

back to the present

I'm in MLP? Seriously? I couldn't decide whether I should squee, cry, or #### my pants. Fortunately, the mane six made that decision for me.

"Fire!"

Oh, #### they've got the elements. HowdoIstopthem, howdoIstopthem, there'sgottobesomethingIcandotostopthem-oh,right.

"Global Silence!

Canterlot

Celestia was in the middle of her second anti-stress cup of tea of the day when all of a sudden, her ears and magic stopped working. The cup fell from her levitated grasp and shattered on the ground, not producing a single sound.

Ponyville

Lyra Heartstrings was taking copious notes on a book she was reading when the pencil fell out of her grip and she collapsed on the floor, trying in vain to smooth her aching horn with her hooves. Outside her window a pegasi fell out of the sky and crashed into an earth pony, sending them both careening to the ground.

Appleloosa

Braeburn was harvesting apples when the silence hit him, causing him to sprain a leg against the tree he was picking before all the strength drained out of him and he went sprawling on the earth.

Cloudsdale

What Cloudsdale? When the silence went through, it broke up the entire city and sent the pegasi within plummeting towards the unforgiving forest below.

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Manehattan was a disaster area. Every pegasi had fallen out of the sky, every unicorn dropped where they stood, holding their horns in pain, and every earth pony had lost their strength. The city authorities still don't have a death toll estimate.

Everfree Forest

The Mane Six collapsed, the Elements of Harmony dead where they hung.

That'll teach them to use channeled spells on me. Now, if their policy towards humans is blast first and ask questions never, then I better take one of those elements until I figure out why. I walked over to Twilight, figuring that since her element was the focus, it would be the best to take. That is, right up until I touched it, recoiled in horror, spun around to run away, changed my mind, spun back and grabbed it anyway, then Skeleton Walked the #### out of there.

oh ####, oh ####, this is bad. This is really bad.  This is insanely bad! The crown I was holding, the element of magic, was made of pure Radiant crystal. Dun! Dun! Dun!