I Don't Think I'm Supposed to be Here

by Architect Ironturtle

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Lyra, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 14980

What happens when the Merchant screws up a displacement?

One moment I'm shopping at Dragon Con, the next, I'm Equestria's most wanted for doing things I don't even remember. At least I got some sweet powers out of the deal. I wonder how many rocks I can headbutt before it starts to hurt.

DOTA 2 Displaced. Constructive criticism welcome.

Crosses over with The Red Wind of Change

"I am Carl Roberts, master of the Heroes of the Radiant and the Dire, and destroyer of the Ancients. If innocent blood has been spilled or enslaved, call on me and I will aid you however I can."

Dual's Token is the DOTA crest with chips of Radiant and Dire filling in the holes in the corners.

Warning: this story is stupid. Proceed with a healthy dose of sarcastic laughter.

Published 2015-02-16 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-04 04:36:16 UTC

I Think You've Mistaken Me For Someone Else

"How much for the satchel?" I said I held up a sturdily built brown leather bag with the DOTA crest on its buckle.

The man behind the counter started and looked up in surprise. He was completely nondescript in every way, to the point that he couldn't be described at all. Weird, but it didn't really catch my attention.

"I'm sorry, that's not for sale." He glanced past me, and I turned around to follow his gaze. It turns out he was looking at some girl dressed as Templar Assassin. I shrugged and turned back around.

"It's got a $50 price tag." The salesman blanched, "And it matches my shirt."

"I'm saving it for someone else," He shot back as he tossed another glance at the cosplayer.

"Has he or she paid you yet?" I wheedled.

"Well, no, but-"

"Was it a commission or a request?"

"No, but-"

"Then first come, first served." I slipped out my wallet and slung the satchel over my shoulder, failing to notice the symbol start to glow.

"I'll take it."

"NO, WAIT-"

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LEVEL UP +1

Carl Roberts blinked and looked around in confusion. He'd gone from being in front of a stall in the middle of Dragon Con to standing on top of a very dead hydra in the middle of a dense forest and holding an enormous two handed sword. Then he glanced down at himself and started freaking out.

"Why the #### is my blood glowing!?"

He dropped the sword in shock and started patting himself all over.

"Ok, legs, legs are good. Still got arms, got a chest, no boobies, that's very good." He patted his head. His now very bald head, missing the gloriously curly locks that were his pride and joy as a man. He dropped to his knees in growing despair and shouted.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

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Princess Celestia was walking through the castle gardens, enjoying the view of the recently re-petrified Discord when she felt something crunch under one of her hooves. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be a shard of stone with glowing orange and green veins. A growing sense of dread settled in her stomach as she took off through the gardens. She only knew of one kind of rock that looked like that, and if it wasn't where it should be-.  She skidded to a stop in front of the entrance to a secluded corner of the hedge maze and stared in horror at an empty pedestal that was labeled only "Massacre."

Oh, buck, she thought as her eyes followed the shards to a hole in the castle wall. This is just what I needed...

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"Ok, dude, keep it together," I said to myself as I rocked back and forth on my heels, "Panicking won't help you figure out what's going on. Don't freak out, don't freak out." I glanced down at the "shudder" hydra. "Ok, I'm FREAKING OUT!"

I jumped off the dead monster and ran towards the nearest with low hanging branches. Following the instincts of my long dead monkey ancestors I climbed for all I was worth, only calming down enough to stop moving once I was 50 feet off the ground.

"Ok, I'm good. I'm good." I shoved a puff of air out of my mouth as I scanned the surrounding trees for any sort of landmark that migh give me a clue as to here the hell I had ended up.

Now, how did I get here? The last thing I remember is trying to buy this satchel from that merchant, him trying to not sell it, and-that's it. Also, where did that sword go? I looked down at myself, taking a proper diagnosis this time instead of my earlier sloppy inspection. I was still me, more or less, except that my veins were glowing with random moving splotches of orange and green that seemed to follow my blood vessels. I was dressed a pair of jeans, converses,a DOTA 2 shirt and the satchel that I was pretty sure was responsible for all this.

Hmm.

If it sent me here, and it appeared to be connected to DOTA, then maybe... On a hunch, I stuck my left hand into the bag and said "Butterfly." I felt something appear in my grasp, and pulled out a very familiar looking green blade. Ah, so this thing is how the DOTA heroes store their items.

"Ok," I asked the tree trunk, "what kind of a sorry excuse for a story did I stumble into?" Given that the tree didn't reply, probably not one of those tales that went "**** reality," and then did whatever the hell it wanted. Whether that was a good thing remained to be seen.

I did a quick inventory, don't ask me how, I don't know either. I appeared to have access to every item in the game, plus the complete skill list of every hero, more gold than I knew what to do with, and- what have we here? I pulled out two small crystals that seemed to pulse with power. Now why in the where-ever-the-####-I-am would I have matching pieces of Radiant and Dire? Huh. It was weird, but I couldn't think of any decent explanation and set them aside for when I had more information.

I was also level capped, but that didn't make any sense. I only have one skill point to allocate, which implied that I've placed others previously. However, I didn't remember doing so, or any of the farming that - my brain screeched to a halt. I must have forgotten whatever caused me to level up. Well, that was foreboding. I found the concept of memory alteration to be especially creepy, and even the mere thought that it had happened to me made me want to take a shower: in sulfuric acid. I just hoped my blackout wasn't particularly lengthy.

I shook my head to clear it. I couldn't exactly answer I wanted here, so I decided to do the only logical thing: follow the path of destruction. I appeared to have torn a new road through the forest, one that was littered with the remains of other dead creatures. Creatures that looked way too familiar. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that this place looked like-

"Girls, there he is!"

"Get 'im!"

Oh no, why me? Stupid fanfiction crossovers.

Earlier

"You summoned us, Princess?"

Twilight's words broke Celestia out of her reminiscing, and rather forcefully returned her to the present. She blinked down at her little ponies before putting on benevolent smile #5, the one the says "You just interrupted me, but I don't blame you for it," which was distinct from #6, which said, "You just interrupted me and now you're going to regret it."

"Yes, Twilight. I called you all here to tell you about a new threat that just returned."

"Seriously!?" explained Rainbow Dash, "We just finished fighting Discord!"

"And I am eternally grateful for it," Celestia replied, "But I must ask for your help one last time before you can rest. This foe is both more and less dangerous than Discord ever could be."

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.

"Where discord is clever and erratic, Massacre is raw power. It tries to kill everything in sight, pony or otherwise, doesn't speak, doesn't stop, and gets stronger with every fallen victim. It can't be reasoned with, and acts almost completely mindless. While it's extremely dangerous to any unprepared creature it might come across, it took the elements at point blank range and didn't even try to stop or avoid them. It should be pretty easy for you to hit it with them again once you find him."

"An' just how are we supposed to do that?" asked Applejack.

Celestia gestured towards a nearby window. When the mane six looked out through it, they saw a decent sized hole carved into the nearby forest. "Just follow the path of destruction."

"Psh, this'll be easy!" Rainbow Dash boasted. "Don't worry princess we'll stop him!"

"Got that right," drawled Applejack.

"I concur," Rarity chimed in.

"Yeah," whispered Fluttershy.

"Okie-dokie-lokie. When we get back I'll throw a 'we-beat-two-villains-in-a-row' party!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

"That settles it, then," said Twilight. "But Princess, how will we recognize this "Massacre?"

"It's tall, bipedal, hairless, tailless, skinny, and glows green and orange." Celestia said as she switched to #2, the knowing smile. "I think you'll know it when you see it."

"Ok, then. Thanks Princess," Twilight said with a forced smile, "Come on, everypony, let's nail this thing so we an go home."

back to the present

I'm in MLP? Seriously? I couldn't decide whether I should squee, cry, or #### my pants. Fortunately, the mane six made that decision for me.

"Fire!"

Oh, #### they've got the elements. HowdoIstopthem, howdoIstopthem, there'sgottobesomethingIcandotostopthem-oh,right.

"Global Silence!

Canterlot

Celestia was in the middle of her second anti-stress cup of tea of the day when all of a sudden, her ears and magic stopped working. The cup fell from her levitated grasp and shattered on the ground, not producing a single sound.

Ponyville

Lyra Heartstrings was taking copious notes on a book she was reading when the pencil fell out of her grip and she collapsed on the floor, trying in vain to smooth her aching horn with her hooves. Outside her window a pegasi fell out of the sky and crashed into an earth pony, sending them both careening to the ground.

Appleloosa

Braeburn was harvesting apples when the silence hit him, causing him to sprain a leg against the tree he was picking before all the strength drained out of him and he went sprawling on the earth.

Cloudsdale

What Cloudsdale? When the silence went through, it broke up the entire city and sent the pegasi within plummeting towards the unforgiving forest below.

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Manehattan was a disaster area. Every pegasi had fallen out of the sky, every unicorn dropped where they stood, holding their horns in pain, and every earth pony had lost their strength. The city authorities still don't have a death toll estimate.

Everfree Forest

The Mane Six collapsed, the Elements of Harmony dead where they hung.

That'll teach them to use channeled spells on me. Now, if their policy towards humans is blast first and ask questions never, then I better take one of those elements until I figure out why. I walked over to Twilight, figuring that since her element was the focus, it would be the best to take. That is, right up until I touched it, recoiled in horror, spun around to run away, changed my mind, spun back and grabbed it anyway, then Skeleton Walked the #### out of there.

oh ####, oh ####, this is bad. This is really bad.  This is insanely bad! The crown I was holding, the element of magic, was made of pure Radiant crystal. Dun! Dun! Dun!

Mental Misconceptions

I needed answers, and lots of them. Where did the Radiant crystal come from, how long has it been here, what happened during my memory gap, and why did those ponies attack me on sight? I couldn't exactly get those stumbling around in the Everfree, so I dodged around the elements of harmony and hightailed it down the path. It would probably lead to a city of some sort, and from there I could get my bearings and find out what I needed to know. I recast Skeleton Walk as needed, and let my mind blank out to process all this so I wouldn't snap and do something stupid, fingering the crown in one hand and the Direstone in the other. I also allocated that last skill point so it would stop bugging me.

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Twilight groaned and sat up. Her horn had gone from blinding pain to a dull throbbing, and she could focus on her surroundings again.

"What. The. Hay. Was THAT!?" Rainbow shouted.

"I don't know," Twilight responded, "I've never seen anything like it."

Twilight didn't understand: they'd found the creature, and it was just like Celestia had described it, right down to the missing hair. They'd started charging the elements, and then-then the creature had slammed one of its paws into the ground and shouted, "Global Silence!" and completely blocked her ability to use magic right before her horn had started drilling into her skull and she hadn't been able to focus on anything but the pain. Judging by the moans surrounding her, she wasn't the only one affected like this.

Just the idea that anypony could turn Twilight's magic off like that was enough to make her want to curl up in bed and never come out again. Magic was everything to her, and how it felt when it was missing... Twilight turned green and shoved the sensation from her mind. No, she would not think about it, no, no, no!

"I know, I know. He cast Global Silence on us!" Pinkie tried to say happily, but didn't quite reach her usual level of peppiness as she was still trying to stand up.

"He did what now?" asked Applejack, who was stuck in the same predicament.

"Global Silence? You know, where he stops all spell casting everywhere for 7 seconds?"

Everypony stared at Pinkie for a moment. She just grinned, and started eating a cupcake she pulled out of her mane. Then what she'd stated sank in.

"All spell casting? Oh, no, the Princess!" Twilight wheeled about and started sprinting towards Canterlot. "We have to make sure she's ok!"

If this creature was so powerful and destructive, then why hadn't he used this ability before, or killed them when he had the chance? Thought Twilight frantically. Nothing was adding up, she couldn't figure out how to make it add up, and it was driving her crazy!

The others fell into step behind, trading wary glances with each other. Since none of them were feeling particularly suicidal Twilight remained uniformed that her crown was missing. It wasn't like she couldn't figure it out for herself, after all. Why court death by bringing it to her attention?

Canterlot Library

I am confused, therefore something I believe isn't true.

Getting into the city proved to be no challenge what-so-ever thanks to Riki's Permanent Invisibility, and I was busily perusing the royal library for newspapers and other useful books. I'd just sat down and cracked open a stack of this year's most prominent papers, in hopes of finding something about my exploits. The only problem was, there wasn't anything about me personally or any unexplained events that could be attributed to me. I couldn't find a single thing that could have possibly been my fault. Instead, the latest papers were filled with proclamations of Discord's second defeat. Well, at least now I knew when I was in addition to where, but that brought me back to my first question: where could I read up on my past actions?

What do I believe?

1. I believe that I killed a large number of creatures in order to get enough experience to hit level cap.

Probable, since if it hadn't been like that I would have had to allocate 25 skill points instead of just one. Also, I wouldn't have been standing on a dead Hydra when I came to. That was a pretty piece of evidence.

2.I believe that a killing spree of the size required to hit level cap will have drawn a lot of attention.

Also probable. Doubly so, thanks to the sensationalist tendencies of the media, and triply so given the trail of bodies I left behind.

3. I believe that I have been doing this continuously since I first arrived here. *STOP*.

That's it. I'm not in the news because whatever I did wasn't recent enough. I'm looking in the wrong place.

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I'd finally found it in the ancient history section of the archives, between a record of Discord's insane lawyers and a tome on the fall of the Crystal Empire. Apparently, I was a creature known as Massacre, who appeared 1111 years ago and left a trail of slaughter in his wake before finally being nailed by the Elements of Harmony and sealed in stone. I'm just glad I didn't have to experience all that time. It probably would have driven me crazy. Well, crazier.**This actually explained a lot of things, including why I had over 58 billion bits. It still didn't explain why Radiant crystals were on this planet in the first place, though. There also seemed to be a disturbing lack of Direstone, or wars with the Dire. Equestria was pure Radiant in the most thorough sense of the word, and you'd think that would draw the ire of any Dire followers.

Wait, it did. Discord, The Changlings, Sombra, Tirek, they must be the Dire users, and they have fought in the past. Equestria just won. In any case, my purpose was clear. The ancients known as the Radiant and the Dire enslave anything and everything they come across, warping the mind and ensnaring the soul, and forcing their followers (slaves) to fight each other. As a lover of freedom it is my duty to expunge their influence from this planet, and prevent them from harming anyone else. And to do that I'm going to have to track down every piece of Direstone, every shard of Radiant ore, and destroy them once and for all. Including the Elements of Harmony.

Of course, I had to follow up such a declaration with a heroic pose as I embarked upon  my quest to save the world, so I did, snapping to attention and placing my left fist over my chest. "This I swear by the power vested in me by whoever-that-merchant-guy-was!"

"Ahh! Monster!" Oh, right, I'm a wanted criminal. I really should have known better than to expose myself.

Now, where to start. I don't have any clue where to look for these things. I'll need something capable of tracking an object or creature or vast distances- oh, right. Duh. One quick re-purpose of Bounty Hunters ultimate Track later combined with having a sample of the stuff I was looking for, I was heading deep into the tunnels under Canterlot for the first Radiant shard. I just hoped it didn't have any defenses, living or otherwise.

The Fallout of Your Mistakes

Canterlot Castle

By the time the Mane Six had made it back to the castle, Celestia was being swamped by disaster reports. The complete removal of all sounds and magic worldwide had caused untold amounts of damage, to the point that she could barely keep it all straight. The pegasi had gotten hit the hardest, with their cloud homes destroye and countless injuries and deaths from falling during the 7 seconds the world went quiet. The unicorns were right behind them, as their greater connection to magic made it hurt them that much more deeply than their less attuned counterparts. This left the earth ponies, who were only afflicted by a temporary loss of strength, which passed quickly and did no lasting damage unless they were using it at the time of the attack.

Cloudsdale has dispersed almost completely, annihilating the weather production factories and the homes of over 10,000 pegasi. Foals's cribs had crumbled out from under them, sending them hurtling into a free-fall they couldn't recover from. Most were rescued by their parents, but only most.

The cloud city wasn't the only one hard by the catastrophe, though. Manehattan had screeched to a halt for the first time in living memory, and Canterlot limped along on the few earth ponies and pegasi in administrative positions as all the unicorns had gone home on sick leave.

Celestia was busily writing a decree to ration all remaining weather until they could rebuild one of the factories when Twilight burst into the throne room. "Princess, are you all right!?" Celestia activated smile #3, which meant, "I'm tired, but still glad to see you," and walked down to meet her students nuzzle.

"I'm fine Twilight, but are you all right? And where's your crown?"

"My crown? MY CROWN! IT'S GONE!" Twilight sniffled, tears building up in her eyes, "Why didn't anypony tell me!?"

Her friends all whistled as the they looked out the windows, getting a frown from Celestia before she put on smile #4, the matron, and said, "How about you tell me everything." Her gaze hardened slightly as she added, "And I do mean everything."

One quick recap later Celestia was looking a lot paler than usual. "This creature is nothing like the one I faced," she said finally, "that is for certain. The ability to cancel the Elements of Harmony is something I never dreamed possible, and for it to leave you alive is even more unusual. But my ponies, are you sure it took your crown?"

"Pretty sure, Princess," said AJ, "Why d'you ask?"

"Because the Elements are linked: if I have one,  I can find the others. Just give me a moment, and we'll stop this monster before he strikes again." Celestia levitated there Elements to her, and focused her magic into them. After a few seconds of pretty lights, her eyes shot open, glowing white for a moment before they returned to normal. She wasn't smiling anymore, and Twilight could have swore that she looked... worried? "Follow me." The Mane Six fell into step behind her. "He's under the city, heading into the mountain. I shudder to think what he could do to the leystones if he gets his hands on one."

"Um, Princess?" asked Rarity, "What are leystones?"

"Well," Twilight replied, "You know how leylines are magical conduits running under the surface of the world?" When Rarity nodded she continued, "Leystones are the focus points of the that magic. They-I think organize it would be the best term."

"And what would happen if one these things got removed?" asked AJ.

Twilight opened her mouth to reply, then stiffened up, several hairs spontaneously springing out of place. "Um, Princess, could we maybe move a little faster?" They picked up the pace.

The Heart of Canterlot Mountain

"Ok, this is a bit bigger than I was expecting."

I'd finally made it down all the way to the Radiant shard, and instead of a stone about the size of my head, I'd found a piece that was twice as tall as I was, and extended deep enough into the bedrock that I couldn't see how big it really was. It was going to be a royal pain to remove it. I was still holding the small piece of Direstone I had brought with me, which kept me more or less immune to the corruptive influence of such a large chunk of Radiant by canceling out most of its power. Even then, I could feel the impulse to go turn myself in to the Princess and join her followers in their happy little lives. Ugh. Just thinking about surrendering made me want to hurl, and meatballs never tasted as good coming up as they did going down.

Instead, I turned my focus to how I could get this thing out of here without bringing down the whole mountain. One of the earth elementals would probably be best for the task, like Tiny or Earth Shaker. Maybe Morphling could drill away the surrounding rock or- or I could just break it into pieces small enough to remove. With that course of action settled on, I cast Elder Titan's  Earth Splitter, which split the rock around the stone clean in two, but left the Radiant itself untouched. It turned out it wasn't as big as I had feared, which was a good thing for me.

As I went over my options for carrying it out of here, I realized I should have prepped my items a long time ago. After I got done headbutting the wall as a reminder to not be such an idiot, I decided on Boots of Travel for speed, Butterfly for combat, Heart of Terrasque for durability, Shiva's Guard for spell casting, Aghanim's Scepter for its ultimate boosts, and an Orchid Malevolence for the spell-piercing silence that seems to have become the most powerful weapon in my arsenal.

With that done I used Rubick's Telekinesis to move the Radiant shard out of the wall and into the cavern. I was still trying to figure out how I was supposed to get it back to the surface when I was rudely interrupted by one angry ruler and six even angrier Element bearers. Showtime.

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The Mane Six and Celestia were right on top of Massacre when they felt the ground tremble and heard a massive crack echo down the cave tunnels.

"Oh, no..." whispered Celestia. None of the others commented, since they could all feel it. The ambient magic was going haywire, spiking and dropping at random intervals like the waves on a stormy sea. The group shifted from a fast walk to a canter.

"That bucking idiot... does it have any idea what it's done!?" shouted Rainbow.

"Nope, not a clue." replied Pinkie smugly.

"That was a rhetorical question Pinkie."

"A what?"

"Sigh. Nevermind."

Then they found it. It had its back to them, paws clasped behind it, staring at an enormous leystone it had somehow pulled out of the wall. Then it heard them and wheeled around, one of its weird paws dropping to its saddlebag.

"Take this, you featherbrain!" shouted Rainbow Dash.

"Rainbow, wait!" cried Twilight.

As fast as RD was, Massacre was a blur. In an instant he had pulled out a white staff with a glowing red orb set in one twisted tip. "Silence!" it shouted, and Rainbow dropped out of the air like she'd been clubbed over the head before tumbling to the ground. Her momentum carried her into the opposite wall once Massacre stepped out of the way. It smirked at her failure, then addressed the rest of the group in a deep, obviously masculine voice. "Any other bright ideas?" It taunted.

Sarcasm, the creature had used sarcasm. That was a couple of steps above mindless, in Twilight's opinion. Maybe it could be reasoned with?

"Massacre," she said carefully, "put the stone back, and maybe we can talk this out." Her friends stared at her in shock.

The monster... smiled. "Ah, Twilight Sparkle. Still trying to make friends," it snorted, "even in circumstances like these.  Unfortunately, I can't do what you request." He sidestepped a sneak attack by Rainbow, letting her careen into another wall. "This," he gestured to the stones behind, "is Radiant Ore, an ancient consciousness with two goals. It wants to spread its influence and destroy its opposite. And it's not above enslaving any sapient race it comes across to achieve those goals. Like so."

With that he opened his paw and held up an orange crystal. Immediately, Twilight was struck by an overwhelming urge to shatter that crystal and its holder along with it. She'd taken two steps forward before he concealed it again, and the desire vanished, leaving her shocked and gasping. "The Radiant and Dire are a stain on any world they inhabit, and as the only who understands their threat, it's up to me to purge their influence." He struck a pose as he said this, somehow managing to dodge yet another attack from Rainbow in the process.

"And what of the lives you destroy in the process?" retorted Celestia, who Twilight could tell was shaken, but only because she knew her so well. "Like those you killed in ancient times?"

"I have no memory of anything I've done up until today,  and I don't think I was in control of my actions during that time  either." He pointed at Applejack, "You're walking lie detector can confirm this."

Everyone turned to stare at Applejack. She looked down, "He's telling the truth," she muttered angrily.

"And what about when you leveled Cloudsdale?" asked Celestia. "Was that beyond your control as well?"

"HE DID WHAT!!??!?"

"What? When?" he said, seemingly caught off guard.

"When you stopped all magic for a few seconds." growled Celestia.

"Oh. OH. Oh." Massacre sat down hard, his eyes staring straight ahead yet seeing nothing. Rainbow slammed into him full force this time, but he didn't seem to notice. She continued to whale on him with multiple hoof strikes, but he still didn't react. Then slowly, he looked up at them sheepishly. "Oops?"

Rainbow exploded. "OOPS!? YOU LEVEL MY HOME AND HURT MY FAMILY AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS OOPS!?!?!?"

"Rainbow's right!" stated Fluttershy. "You're nothing but a big meanie!"

"Girls, please!" chided Twilight. "You have to put the leystone back Massacre. it's the only thing keeping the magic here from going haywire! Can't you feel it?"

"Magic? The only stuff I'm feeling is Radiant corruption. And if you say these shards are the only thing keeping it in check," he looped a flaming rope around the stone, "Then maybe it was never magic in the first place."

"STOP HIM!" bellowed Celestia.

"Chronosphere!"

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One moment Massacre was standing in front of them, the next he was gone, and the leystone along with him. They felt the magic surge one last time, then dissipate entirely. Celestia screamed in frustration and slammed her hoof into the wall, cracking it all the way to the ceiling. When she turned back around, the Mane Six were staring at her, their ears pinned against their heads. "What is it, my little ponies?"

"You've got something on your, uh," Rainbow Dash gestured to her front right shoulder. Celestia twisted around to look. It was a message, written in some kind of dust.

Massacre is a stupid name. Call me Dual.

Celestia's eyes narrowed in rage, and she almost screamed again, but Twilight interrupted her by saying, "Uh, girls? What happened to your elements?"

This time Celestia really did scream.

A Single Mistake Did All This?

I chuckled as I ghosted away from the mountain, carrying the remains of the "leystone"  in my talons (I was using Winter Wyvern's form) and all six of the Elements of Harmony in place of regular items in my satchel. A little grandstanding never hurt anyone, after all, not when you're just giving dramatic speeches. In any case, I'd learned what I needed to know. Equestrian magic is at least partially powered by the Ancients, which is really bad news for both them and me. They were no more capable of siding with me or letting me go unopposed than I was of leaving the Radiant and Dire be. Then there was that debacle with the silence. The term "global" takes on a whole new meaning when you're not confined to a single battlefield. I'd broken one of my rules, and that meant I needed to do whatever I could to fix it.

Do not kill.

Do not enslave.

Do not rape.

Do not steal.

Do not break a contract.

This was my code, the standard I held myself to. I hated the Ancients because they violated rule two, and I had almost certainly just broken rule one. I soared out over the Everfree, looking for the Tree of Harmony. It wouldn't be relevant for another two whole seasons, which probably meant that anypony trying to find me would be extra hard pressed to do so. After wheeling around in the sky for an hour or so, I managed to find it. I set down in front of the tree and dropped the leystone on the ground. I could tell that the Tree of Harmony was rooted in the biggest piece of Radiant on the whole planet, and it actually made sense that it would be hiding here. The first rule of hiding and escaping is to never go where your enemy expects you too, after all.

I figured I'd put all the Radiant ore I found down here until I could get rid of it, with one small exception. I took the Elements out and returned them to the Tree. There, I thought, Now the vines won't come back and the ponies can't use the Elements on me. I'll have to come up with another way to free Discord and make Twilight an Alicorn if I want to keep in line with the show's continuity, though.

Now, to clean up my messes... I have a LOT of ground cover and I still need a friendly structure for my Town Portal scrolls and Boots of Travel to latch onto, so-"Meepo!"

Remains of Cloudsdale

After the debacle under the mountain had ended, Rainbow Dash hadn't wasted any time and headed back to Cloudsdale to check on her family at just below the speed of sound. Unfortunately, she wasn't fast enough.

By the time she found them, her Dad had already passed on, succumbing to a punctured lung and multiple fractures. Physically, her Mom was fine: she'd been a bit higher up at the time and had managed to right herself before she hit the ground. Mentally?

"Mom? Dad?" Rainbow was trying very hard not to cry, the Wonderbolt's don't cry, she had to stay strong even though it felt like something in her chest was crumbling-then she was in her mother's embrace, sobbing uncontrollably. Her Mom was crying too, tears running down her face. This wasn't a uncommon sight, either. All across the forests under what had once been Cloudsdale, other families were going through the same traumas. The faces may have changed, but the grief was the same.

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I ghosted through the wreckage under Permanent Invisibility, taking in what had happened. What I had caused. This was a total waste, their suffering accomplished nothing, even if that had been an acceptable excuse to begin with, and the deaths of all these innocents... no. This was not acceptable, so I would not accept it.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the two rarest, and potentially most powerful items I had available: Roshan's Cheese and Aegis of Immortality. I snuck all over the fallout area, giving life and health where it had been unjustly taken. My other Meepo clones had all scattered across Equestria, giving the same gifts and leaving no trace. It would have been the same here, except that I saw the Element of Loyalty was among the affected. If she didn't know that I had fixed what I had broken, she would swear undying vengeance upon me for the pain I caused and pull her friends into doing the same. That was just how she worked. So I did what I had too do and revealed myself.

888RD888

My sobs had died down to mild whimpering when I heard somepony approaching who didn't sound like they were walking on hooves. I glanced up and saw Massacre, the center of my hate, the pony responsible for the worst pain I had ever experienced, leaning over my father to place something on his chest!

"You motherbucking killed my fATHER, YOU MONSTER!" I screamed at him. I was still too tired to try to attack him, but he reeled back as if struck. I met his eyes, and I saw something I hadn't expected: pain, pain and... guilt? Then he pointed at my Dad's, Dad's-I can't say it- and held up one of his paws. One by one, he closed each of the digits, until he had made a fist, and my Dad... groaned and tried to sit up!?!?!?

"Dad?" I whispered, unable to believe my eyes.

He turned and smiled at me, "Hey sport, what did I miss?" He said before breaking out in a fit of coughing.

And then I was hugging him and he was hugging me and my Mom was hugging both of us and my tears were messing with my vision but I didn't care in the slightest. I glanced up in time to see Dual nod at me, click his heels together three times, and disappear. He'll still get what's coming to him, that's for sure, but maybe now I could leave him in one piece afterwards.

Tree of Harmony

The sun was setting on the most extremely grueling day I had ever had in my life by the time I'd wrapped up my recompense and made it back to my home away from home. Between watching the misery my actions had inadvertently caused and the joy that came when I'd fixed it, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I may not have been able to undo all the property damage I'd unleashed, but at least I had no more death on my hands.

The fifth clone had carved out a question marked shaped cave in the overhang above the Tree, and then set it as a friendly structure I could teleport back to. He'd also planted 20 land mines at the entrance to discourage unwelcome visitors. I stumbled inside, deactivated Meepo's ultimate, and proceeded to keel over face first onto the pile of hay and leaves that would serve for a temporary bed. I was so tired I fell asleep before I had the chance to roll over. This made it even more annoying when Luna decided to come knocking on my dreams.

Mistaken Identity

Lyra Heartstrings. A background mare who became a fan favorite after she was seen reclining on a park bench in a position that was highly unusual for ponies. Reported to be obsessed with humans in general and their hands in particular and in a relationship with Bonbon, which was at least partially true if what I'd observed was anything to go by. You have to be the crazy person in town to go looking for trouble when everyone else bars their doors and windows at the first sign of something scary. I might as well find out what she wants, I thought.

"Who are you, and why were you following me?"

"Um, I'm Lyra, and," her eyes darted left and right, and she gave a twitchy smile. "I wasn't?"

I just quirked an eyebrow. Ponies are absolute #### at lying, both telling lies and recognizing them. I don't think it was ever a survival trait for them like it was for humans. "And I'm the secret Alicorn lover of both the Princesses."

"You are?" she gasped. I facepalm.

"NO. Now tell me the truth this time."

"Well, you're a human! I've always wanted to meet one." Then she turned away and muttered, "Even if everypony else thought it was silly."

"You know I can hear you, right?"

"I know! It just seemed to fit." Fit? That sounded suspiciously familiar.

"Care to clarify?"

"It's what somepony like me is supposed to say in a situation like this. You caught me sneaking up on you, ask me why, I give you an answer, then mumble a truth about myself. It's part of the show!"

"Show, for who?"

"Them!" she gestures off to my left. I turn and look, and see a flickering screen with a horde of shadows on the other side.

"So, were being watched, huh? Well what do they think of THIS!?"

(CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED)

I pulled my pants back on. Lyra was blushing heavily and sneaking peaks at the fourth wall.

"There, I think that scared them off. Now where were we?"

"Oh, I know, I know!" Lyra blurted, all traces of embarrassment gone. "I was also wondering how you managed to wind up Miss Cherilee so much. I've never seen anything get to her like that, not even Diamond Tiara on her worst day."

"Oh, that? It's just a game I played with her."

"Can I play it? Can I, can I?" Wow, what an obvious opportunity. What clever, much subtle.

"Well..."

88888888

"5,7,9."

"Yes."

"4,12, 20?"

"Yes."

As you can probably guess, I decided I'd give her a chance. Well I like to think it was because I thought she would be really useful, it was more likely I caved because she nailed me with her puppy-dog-pout. I swear, these ponies are the most adorable things EVER. She also managed to make me promise to answer all her questions if she won. Focus, Dual! You can think about that sort of stuff AFTER the Ancients are dead.

Her face scrunched up in heart-melting concentration. "9, 18, 20."

"Yes." That was odd. Cherilee hadn't pattern broken like that at all.

"1,0,-1." I smiled in pleasant surprise.

"No."

"7,15,4?"

"No."

"1, 9, 11?"

"Yes."

"It's any three numbers in increasing order."

I grinned. "Very good. Most ponies can't get that right, you know?" Interesting. Maybe there's more to her than I thought.

She preened, that's the only word for it. "Now you'll answer all my questions, right?" Then again, maybe not.

"Well, I did promise." I frowned, "However, if I tell you that the answer is dangerous, you ask at your own risk. Understood?"

She nodded. "What's it like having hands?"

I resisted the urge to beat my head against a tree. How am I supposed to explain this one?

Much Later

I was back in my cave above the Tree of Harmony, doing some much needed home improvement while I waited for the Direstone to get a read on another Ancient piece. Lyra's Q&A session had been particularly grueling, especially when she started asking about human politics (which I found mind numbing), conflicts (I managed to warn her off of that topic, thank God), and urgh, mating habits. That mare was the most curious creature I had ever had the pleasure (or maybe displeasure) of meeting, and had about as much tact as a five-year-old. I eventually convinced her to cut it short, and invited her to my meeting with Cherilee tomorrow. She agreed, but forced me to Pinkie swear that I wouldn't miss it. Her parting words were, "After all, we have to time skip at some point." What's weird is that it made perfect sense at the time.

I just hoped there wouldn't be any animosity between the two. I swear, if those two get into a fight, I'm going laugh my ### off, then jump off the moon.

I was pulled out of my work by a pulsing orange glow from the Direstone, one that signaled it had found another piece. I finished building the shelf I working on, then went over and picked it up. The crystal gave me a mental image of a deep, dry cave guarded by a three headed dog and filled with a menagerie of creatures. Tartarus. The Dire core is in Tartarus. Well this is just ####### peachy.

In order to get at that stone, I'd have to go through both Cerberus and the Pit's inhabitants. Sure, I was more than capable, and those prisoners would make excellent heroes for the Dire when the time came, but well I might be able to level a prison, I couldn't rebuild one. Besides, I'd learned my lesson about collateral damage from the Silencer Incident, and just killing them would break my 1st rule. It would be best if I saved it for last, pulling out that piece and putting it in place after I'd gathered all the others, then having the Dire call its champions before they can do any damage.

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. Given what I remembered of the nature of the crystal heart, it was practically guaranteed to be made of Radiant ore. I'd have to wait an entire season's worth of days, at least. Outside, I heard a rumble as the ground shifted. Now that the Dire Ancient, or at least the first piece of it was in place, it and its counterpart were reshaping the landscape to better suit their needs. I'd paced out the edges of the battlefield earlier, and found it was surrounded by a cliff 3 inches high. That cliff would probably grow as I added more pieces, but it also meant that the battle would take place no matter what else happened now. If I didn't start it when I was ready, the Ancients would, whether I liked it or not. No turning back now, I thought, still holding the shard.

In the end, I sent it back to scanning, put all the tokens on the shelf I'd made, and got to work on making a bed frame out of some of the lumber I'd gathered as Timbersaw. It was dark by the time I'd finished, so I scavenged some food from the creatures I'd killed during my initial rampage (What? I don't like to waste meat) and went to bed. Of course, Luna was waiting for me in my dreams. God that sounds dirty...

88888888

"Lulu, are you sure you want to do this?" Celestia looked down at her sister in concern.

"I am sure, Tia. For the safety of our realm, I will do what I must."

Celestia had lowered the sun and was in Luna's quarters, giving her every bit of support she could provide before her sister confronted Dual's nightmare of a test. They hugged, long and hard, before reluctantly letting go.

"Good luck," Celestia whispered as she left.

Luna braced herself and closed her eyes. She didn't sleep when she dream-walked: it was closer to a magical trance, one she could only enter once per night, although she could visit multiple dreams during that time. Once she'd entered, she spread her wings and flew into the void, checking on the bubbles that held the dreams of her citizens. After making sure everything was in order (and dispelling one odd dream that involved angry party cannons and the words, "YOU PINKIE PROMISED!!!!"), she stepped up to Dual's bubble, which for some reason was covered in spikes. She peeked in, trying to see if she could spot anything useful before she entered. Surprisingly, she saw him standing under-Was that the tree of Harmony!? Did he stick the elements back in the tree!? She pressed her nose against the surface of the bubble to get a better look, and entered by accident.

"Oh, wheeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeeee, is my hairbrush?"

Luna groaned in frustration.

"Luna, you induce lucid dreaming whenever you visit, stop trying to sneak in."

"I'll make sure to remember that," she replied testily, climbing to her hooves. "Let us get this over with," she muttered, trying to keep her legs steady.

Dual grinned and started to fade out, but stopped almost immediately, and stared at her in confusion. He circled her once, twice, then stopped in front of her and said, "You're terrified."

"No we're not!" She squeaked, legs knocking together.

"Yes, you are, which is weird. That test of mine isn't that scary, and you deal with nightmares on a regular basis. It shouldn't frighten you, and yet it does. Why?"

"Well..." Luna's thoughts scattered as she tried to come up with a suitable answer. "We've dealt with those things before."

Dual's mouth fell open. "Seriously?" Luna nodded. He stared at her in disbelief, but as she gazed back, unflinching, it slowly turned to understanding.

"Well, then," he said, "My mistake. I may be a joker, but I'm not sadistic. You'll have to tell me the whole story sometime, but for now, the test is off."

Luna blinked in surprise, "Just like that?"

"Yep." The moment he finished speaking, a door appeared to Luna's left. Both she and Dual looked at it in surprise. "Um, I guess we go through?"

"This is thy head, Dual," she drawled.

"That doesn't mean I always know what's going on in here," He shot back, bouncing over to the door and stepping through.

Luna followed, and found herself standing on a green field of grass in a small clearing. A white fountain burbled on her left, next to a grizzly looking biped standing behind an anvil and a table stocked with various items. When she looked behind her, she noticed the door was gone, and in it's place stood a grey stone wall fronted by colorful trees and flowers and topped by stone arches of the same shade of grey. The only exit to the clearing was in front of her to the right, down a short flight of marble steps. Dual was standing on top of a square block of stone set in the ground just in front of the fountain. He was slowly turning in place, looking for all the world like he'd just come home. His expression was one of pure bliss, combined with the relaxation that only comes from being in completely familiar territory.

"Dual, what is this place?" Luna asked. It certainly seemed pleasant enough, and nothing like the mad-house she'd expect from such a weird creature.

"It's the map," he said, as if that explained everything.

"The map, pray tell, of what?" Luna pressed, his answer having eaten a good deal of her patience in one bite.

Before he could respond however, another creature bounced up the steps into the clearing. It was-Luna rubbed her eyes. Nope, still there. It was Dual, but not him. To start with, this version had hair, curly bright green hair. Also, he was shorter, curvier, and-softer? Luna didn't really have the right words to describe him? her? Dual was staring at the visitor, his expression a combination of incredulity and wry humor. Then the other Dual saw Luna. Her face filled with glee, and Luna's stomach filled with dread. She never stood a chance.

"POOOOOOOONNNNYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!"

"Oof!"

THUD.

From her new position on the ground underneath the female (as made clear by her voice) Dual, Luna saw Prime Dual laugh, and smack his paw against his face.

"Mmmm, soft," said she-Dual, snuggling deeper into Luna's barrel.

"Dual," Luna said, her words dripping with malice, "Tell thy duplicate to get off of us this instant!"

"Hey you," Dual said to his copy, "What's your name?"

"I'm Joy!" replied, Joy, giggling.

"Ok, then, Joy, could you get off her please?"

"Sure!" Joy bounced up and out of Luna's personal space, allowing her to climb to her hooves.

"So," said Dual, "Who are you?"

"I'm you!" sang Joy, "Or at least, a part of you. I don't really understand it all that well, since my job's happiness. If you want information, go talk to Scholar."

"And where is he?" Dual asked.

"Bottom lane, he's the carry," Joy answered.

"Right." Luna looked back and forth between them, completely lost. "Um, pardon my asking Joy, but if you're a part of Dual, why are you female?"

Joy didn't answer Luna directly. Instead, she asked Dual, "Can you imagine yourself giggling as a male?"

"Um," Dual's eyes crossed. "No?"

"There you have it!" Joy shouted while doing a back-flip.

Luna had gotten pretty fed up by this point. "ENOUGH! YOU WILL EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING, AND YOU WILL DO IT NOW!"

"Well, excuse me, Princess," Dual snapped, rubbing his ears, "You didn't have to shout."

"It got your attention, did it not?" Luna replied smugly. Dual glared at her, and her smile widened.

"Fine, I suppose some explains are in order," He finally said, "Have a seat, this is going to take awhile. Joy, you can leave if you want to."

"Ok!" Joy dumped a sack of gold on the shopkeep's table, grabbed a scroll out of a dispenser, then activated some sort of spell and disappeared. Luna sat and got comfortable, The grass was surprisingly firm and soft, and it almost caressed her legs as she relaxed into it. Dual spoke with the merchant for a moment, then knelt directly across from her, the square block of stone in the ground between them and the fountain off to her left.

"This story starts at the beginning of time, more or less," Dual said slowly, appearing to still be getting his thoughts together, "After the Primordials created the universe," Luna opened her mouth to speak, but Dual held up a finger to silence her. "Don't ask, they're not important. Anyway, two of them, known as the Radiant and the Dire, began to fight each other. These two were total opposites, with the Radiant representing life and creation, and the Dire death and destruction. Their war raged across the stars, and yet it was a total stalemate. Neither one could defeat the other, and they would have kept fighting for eternity if the other Primordials hadn't interfered. As punishment for their actions, the two opposing forces were imprisoned inside a moon, much like you were," Luna bristled at that, "And flung deep into space.

"Now, that would have been the end of the story, except that this moon got caught in the gravity well of a planet it happened to pass by. The slight gravitational flux provided by the moon's orbit was all its inhabitants needed to break themselves free. Eventually, the Ancients shattered what had come to be known as the Mad Moon by the inhabitants of the planet, and escaped.  Some of the chunks of the moon fell to the planet below, but most flew off into space, their destinations, and fates, unknown. The Ancients were finally free to start their war anew.

"However, they knew that if they fought as they had before, it would result in another stalemate, something neither since they could only wield their full strength when the other wasn't present. Their powers cancel each other out, to an extent. To avoid an endless conflict, and because they had nothing better to do for millennia on end, they had created a system of rules to fight by. This became Defense of the Ancients, or DOTA for short. The map I referred to earlier is the official battleground, always the same across all the worlds they've fought on. Each side would then recruit heroes, people or ponies of great speed, skill, or strength to fight for them. The prowess of these heroes became the deciding factor in the Ancients's war, since everything else about them was equal. My mind, for whatever reason, must closely resemble one of these battles. As such, it's probable that each aspect of my personality, like Joy and Scholar, since I'm guessing they aren't the only ones, would take the place of one of the heroes."

"Has Celestia told you what I've been up to since I woke up?"

"Aye, she has." Luna answered. "You're destruction of Cloudsdale was most diabolical."

"A. That was an accident, and B. I made sure to resurrect anyone who died. Did she mention the Ley Stones?" Luna nodded. "Those aren't actually Ley Stones. They're Ancient chunks, and their corruption has sunk deep into this planet and its residents. Since this world, the one we're standing on, is not the world I described, I can only assume that some of the chunks of the moon that flew into space detected life on this world, and steered themselves toward it in search of suitable champions. My goal is to create a DOTA battlefield, one where the fight between Radiant and Dire may be decided once and for all, at least here and now."

Luna stared at him in horror. "Surely thou arest joking."

"I wish," Dual said bluntly. "I'd love it if the Ancients had never landed here. It would mean I could settle down, get a life, maybe go ride meteors for fun. Instead, I've got to get rid of these things before they consume this world and everything in it."

"Does thou not care at all for all the lives that be would lost in such a war?" Luna exclaimed. "Or the disruption of the world's magic such fighting will cause? We will not stand for it!"

"Oh, but you will," Dual said, smiling grimly, "The Ancients want this to happen, and the Ponies serve the Ancients. You'll help it come about, you have don't a choice in the matter. That alone should tell you how dangerous they are."

"NO!" Luna shouted, "WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT!"

Dual took his fingers out of his ears and stared at her in surprise. "Interesting," he said finally, "You don't seem to under the same influence as the others. Maybe your time on the moon allow their energies to leak out of you. You could be the only uncorrupted creature in Equestria. In that case, I should let you know that one of the Ancients's powers is resurrection. That's part of why their battles last forever, the soldiers keep coming back to life."

Luna gaped at him, "Art thou serious!?"

Dual nodded. "That's why I was able to undo so much damage." He cocked his head to the side. "In any case, it's almost morning, you should get going."

"But thou hast not answered all our questions!" Luna protested.

"Come back tomorrow, then," Dual answered. "Besides, this is the first time I've seen the inside of own mind like this, and I'll need to poke around myself before I let can you explore. Good morning." With that, the dream bubble vanished around Luna as Dual woke up. She hung there in the void for a long while, then turned and headed back to her own mind. Her thoughts drifted towards the start of the night, and the glimpse of the Tree of Harmony she'd caught. She decided to check it out once she woke up. If Dual was there, he was going to get the flank-kicking of his life.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

I stood and stretched, carefully working out the kinks that came from sleeping on uneven bedding. I yawned, and abruptly realized my mouth tasted like the inside of a garbage can, something I only knew thanks to a lost bet with my best friend Will (I wonder how he's doing?). That needed to be fixed, like right now. I put some thought into it for a few moments before deciding to gargle a fireball as Lina. It left behind a burnt aftertaste, but at least my teeth were clean. I was just wondering what I was going to do today when a frustrated scream echoed into my little cave. Stepping up to the entrance, where I could see what was going on without making my presence obvious, I saw-####!!!!

I slammed my back against the wall to my right and activated Permanent Invisibility. The Princesses were right outside! And... flying in circles around the clearing, since the cliffs had receded quite a bit overnight and I was no longer living in a canyon. Actually, upon closer inspection it became clear that only Celestia was circling the tree, moving her head and eyes in a scanning pattern while Luna gestured violently at the tree directly below me. Celestia tried to look in my direction, but her eyes seem to slide right over me like water on a greasy hand and focus on the treeline instead.  Luna facehoofed, and flew down to the tree while I crouched lower, leaving her sister hovering in confusion. I didn't know whether Luna had truesight or not, and I didn't feel like finding out.

"Sister?" Shouted Celestia, spinning in a circle in midair, "Where did you go? You disappeared!"

"I'm down here, Tia!" Luna shouted back, "I told thee, the tree is right here! Why canst thou see it?"

"I don't know!" Celestia yelled, continuing to look around in a worried manner. "I can't even tell where your voice is coming from!"

Luna grumbled something I didn't catch, then spoke up again, "The Elements are here, sister, but he stuck them back in their slots on the tree!"

Celestia froze mid-flap, then let out a rather nasty sounding expletive as she struggled to regain altitude. "Are you certain, Luna?"

"How could I not be, I am staring at them right now!"

"Can you retrieve them? We still need them for Twilight. And to keep Discord in check." Now that was an interesting tidbit. Was Celestia really saying she'd planned out the ascension this far in advance?

"I'll try, Sister." Luna fell silent for a bit, and since she was out of my field of view I couldn't see what she was doing. Then a ripple passed through the air, followed by a shock-wave that knocked me off my feet. Judging from the surprised yell that was rapidly fading into the distance, Luna hadn't been so lucky.

"Sister!" Celestia took off towards the rapidly shrinking speck that was probably Princess Luna, and I took the opportunity to seal the entrance to my cave, grab my Ancient fragments and sneak away in the other direction. Celestia and Luna were powerful, probably strong enough to give me a fair fight if they got the chance. I don't like fair fights, not when its for real.

At least that debacle had confirmed my theory. The Elements were permanently out of the ponies reach, which meant they could never be used on me again. This completely screwed with the show's timeline, but it was worth it to never end up like Discord. Talk about a fate worse than death. I idly wondered why Luna hadn't mentioned the chunks of Radiant ore I'd left next to the Tree of Harmony, then concluded that while she may be cleaner than most ponies, she must not be completely untainted, especially since she'd been back for a few months. The thought reminded me that I had more ore to dig up, and I pulled out the radiant shard. It quickly pointed northeast, and I took off in that direction.

After I'd been running under Slark's ult for a few minutes, my satchel started beeping insistently. Curious, I stopped moving towards the edge of the forest, quickly climbed a tree, sat on a suitable branch, then pulled it around in front of me. "6.84 patch notes," The bag chirped in a robotic voice, "Accept download? Y/N" My train of thought fell of the tracks and exploded in the canyon below, causing a flood downstream that burst the dam and washed away an entire town. Wat. No seriously, WHAT!? I'd seen a lot of crazy stuff since I showed up here, but this topped it all. "Am I in a video game?" I asked, spinning around in circles on my branch looking for any sort of clue to whether this might be true. Nothing apparent happened, other than a bird squawking angrily at me and flying away. Hmm. If that was one of Fluttershy's I should probably move.

I opened up the patch details and started reading through them. I only got to alchemist's entry in the heroes section before I hit accept and dropped to the ground. The ability to have the Aghanim's Scepter not take up an inventory space? Totally worth it! I parsed through the other changes as I ran, only stopping to activate a Moon Shard and fill the now empty slot with an Octarine Core. Best. Item. Ever.

The whole incident still left me with plenty of questions about my situation, though. At first, I thought I'd just gotten a set of fancy powers attached to the satchel, but now it seemed the satchel itself was just another link in the chain, one that led to parts unknown. Were there others like me, not just Displaced, but users of other satchels? I knew I could create lesser satchels that only had one hero's worth of power, so were they like that? Or were they like mine, with access to all the heroes? Or was it something in between? I turned the problem over in my head as I ran towards Manehattan, but didn't get anywhere. I just didn't have enough information. I could speculate, but that was just a fancy word for guessing.

I was jolted out of my thoughts when I suddenly slowed down noticeably, which indicated I was being watched. A quick 360 scan turned up nothing, however, so I moved forward cautiously, my left hand tucked into my satchel for easy access. I'd left the forest behind quite some time ago, and was now walking along a lightly used path lined with trees that turned to the right a little ways ahead of me. As I rounded the bend, I found myself looking at an overturned two-wheel cart, it's contents, a variety of travel supplies, strewn out across the dirt. The cart itself was still attached to a pony, a small earth pony mare with a light green coat and mane who was stuck on her side and completely unable to slip out of the harness. That wouldn't have helped much regardless, since she was surrounded by a trio of adolescent dragons standing on all fours. No, they weren't Garbo and company, but their behaviors seemed to mirror his. Since I hadn't been spotted yet (which made me wonder who actually was watching me) and the pony wasn't in any immediate danger, I dropped one of Bounty Hunter's smoke bombs and vanished from sight. The faint sound made one of the dragons look in my direction, but I was already invisible so he didn't spot me.

"Did you hear that, Rozel?" The orange dragon asked, female from the sound of her voice, causing the blue dragon of the group to look up.

"Hear what, Scora?" Rozel replied, this one obviously male, although his tone was a bit nasal, "I was kind of busy dealing with our target here."

"I don't know," Scora said thoughtfully, "It sounded like a hiss, only not quite right. I can't explain it."

"Eh, it's not important," Said the third dragon without looking up. He was much larger than the other two, and covered in a mix of black, white, and grey scales. Given how Scora immediately backed down, I guessed he was the one in charge. "Now, we're only to ask nicely one more time. Take us to your queen, changeling, we have a message from the Dragon Council."

Changeling? I moved closer, and as my Gem of Truesight came into range I realized with a start that the pony was in fact a shape-shifting love-eater. I had no idea how the dragons could tell, since before I got close enough she looked perfectly normal, but she was who they thought she was. Huh.

"I told you, Blender," The changeling shot back, spitting the name at him almost as if it was an insult, "We are not interested in parley. You will have to return to your masters empty handed."

"Smug the Great has us given explicit orders," Blender growled, the spines on his head unfolding like great sails of grey flesh, "And since you are not being cooperative, you've given us no choice. Scora, give me a claw." Scora moved forward, and working together, they... righted the cart and placed it on the road? "Now," said Blender, in mock cheerfulness, "You'll take us to your leader, or we walk you into the nearest pony town and strip you of your disguise. You don't want to be the one responsible for exposing your entire species, do you?"

I frankly had no idea what to do. On the one hand, these dragons were clearly forcing the changeling to do something she want to. On the other, the dragons also seemed to be diplomats, or at least messengers, and they were acting downright civil despite the changeling's hostility. I moved closer again, and remembered in a panic to activate Riki's invisbility before I faded into view right in front of them.

This close to her, I could watch the changeling's resolve crumble. "Fine," She seethed, "I'll call her. This better had be worth it." The changeling flashed green, and her disguise was replaced by one of Chrysalis. At least, I thought it was Chyrsalis. She was as big as Celestia, and a changeling, but didn't have holes anywhere. None in her wings, or her legs, or that mane-like membrane on her head. It was probably her, though.

The Queen looked miffed, and her scowl deepened as she took in the dragon trio. "Oh, it's you again." She said as she rolled her eyes, "What do those fossils on the Council want now?"

"Smug the Great and Terrible wants his crown jewel back," Blender stated calmly, not reacting to the deplorable lack of manners. "This is your second and final chance to return it before the dragons declare war."

Queen Chrysalis laughed, a high pitched, chittering giggle that sent shivers down my spine. "Request denied," She stated firmly, all humor vanishing from her mannerisms in an instant, "That idiot has no idea what the gem is capable of, and doesn't deserve to have it in his hoard. Bring your dragons. In fact, bring ALL the dragons so we don't have to mop up after we're done with you. Now, I have better things to do than waste my time on a errand welp. This conversation is over." With that, the illusion crumbled, leaving behind three fuming dragons and a mortally terrified changeling.

On a hunch, I pulled out my shard of Direstone and held it in front of me. The fragment went crazy, centering on the changeling as the source of a massive Dire energy spike. Before I'd been merely curious. Now I knew I had to intervene. Blender raised his fist, poised to flatten the Changeling into the ground and I got ready to stun him, but then he closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, and restrained himself. "There is no honor in killing a defenseless opponent," he said, as much to himself as to his companions, "Come. We should report back with the Queen's response. Then we will come for you and yours, changeling." Scora and Rozel grumbled but complied, backing down at their leader's request. The changeling merely crouched and hissed at them as the they took flight, heading north towards the mountain range far in the distance.

I waited until the dragons had left, their mission completed, then strode in front of the changeling right as she realized she wasn't going to die and started moving again, and let her walk into me, canceling the invisibility in the process. The Changeling practically wet herself as she looked into my eyes, which were twice as high off the ground as her own, and I smiled grimly in response, showing off my canines with aplomb. "I'm a million times worse than anything those welps could have come up with," I said as the lines running across my skin glowed with power, "Take me to this gem, and don't warn them of my coming, or I'll fill the hivemind with bottomless agony." I wasn't actually planning on going through with it or completely certain that I could, since the idea that they even had a hivemind was a guess, not a fact, but she didn't need to know that.

Well This Was a Stupid Idea

I'd never been a lucid dreamer, so when I realized I was dreaming and knew I was dreaming, I was pretty sure something was up. As such, I went straight to my first line of mental defense: play annoying music.

Youtube Video

"Aaugh!" Wait, I know that voice...

"Princess Luna? You know it's a really bad idea to enter someone's head uninvited, right?" She appeared in front of me, and had the good grace to look sheepish.

"My apologies, 'twas not my intent to offend. I merely wished to gain a better understanding of thee, and learn where you put the Elements, since they are vital to mine kingdom's defense."

"Is that it?" I smirked, "Well, I suppose I could let you look around, but you'll have to earn it first. Just run the gauntlet, and I'll let you see anything you want."

She gave me a look of surprise. "'tis all?” Then her expression became a grin. “I accept thy challenge!"

"Very well."

I faded out of sight and used Bane's nightmare powers to craft the obstacle I had in mind. A game, if you will.

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Luna found herself sitting at a desk, in a chair that wasn't really meant for ponies, looking out onto a pitch black corridor. On the desk was one corded phone, one flashlight, and one computer connected to various cameras, and one hollow bear costume head. The phone started ringing, and Luna wasn't certain what she was supposed to do with such a device. It rang a few more times, then went to voice mail.

"Uh, hello, hello hello? Uh, hello and welcome to your new summer job, at the new and improved, Freddy Fazbear's Pizza..."

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I giggled to myself when Luna forgot to wind the music box and got jumped by the puppet on her first night. "Ain't I a stinker?"

Canterlot, Luna's private Quarters (6:00AM)

Luna woke up screaming after facing down a terror she'd never expected to see again. She immediately stumbled out of bed, ignoring her shoes and crown. The Princess of the Night bolted down the hall, past her sister’s room to a near-forgotten closet in the back of the royal suites. There, she grabbed a turn-crank in her mouth and wound it until it started clicking. The crank was connected to a music box that was playing a simple melody.  The only other object in the room was a large box decorated like a present. When Celestia caught up with her, she she was still in a panic.

"Sister, what happened!?" Luna glomped her and proceeded to cry into her barrel. Celestia could only stand there and make soothing noises.

Several minutes later, Luna manages to calm down enough to speak. "I was given a challenge, by Dual. Face down this creature," she nodded towards the box, "in it's own territory for 5 night's, and he will give me access to everything in his head."

Celestia went pale. "How could he possibly have know about it?"

"I have no idea sister, but I will persist. Even in the face of such horror."

“Oh Lulu...”

They embraced, then turned and left, each heading to her respective quarters, not realizing that the box's lid had shifted the tiniest bit. A gap had appeared, one just big enough to allow a single, glowing white eye to peep out.

Everfree Forest

I was sleeping peacefully, with Luna long gone from my dreams and my thoughts when I was smacked in the butt by something hard and sharp. "Youch!" I scrambled out of my hamster nest and stared in confusion at the mass of items piled at my feet. I picked out an uncut diamond, a rainbow ice cube, a plumber's badge, a coin with an eclipse on it attached to a folder, and a black Loa stone among the clutter. Curious, I picked up the Loa stone.

"Those who have need of the shadows, who want to spread fear and desolation, who want a terror in the night, call on me, The Makuta, Emperor of the Shadows!"

Uh-oh. As a former Bionicle fan, I knew exactly what I was dealing with, and quietly promised myself to never use this one. I put it aside and picked up the coin and folder.

"To those of sound mind, sound heart.  To they that would stand against evil, in the face of Armageddon.  To the warriors and heroes, both celebrated and unsung.  To my fellow Displaced, I call on you.  I am Auric Fulcrum, Knight of the Eclipse, wielder of Alchemy's might.  All I hold dear is being threatened by another Displaced.  I know not why he seeks to fight me, but as I am, I cannot fight him and win.  I require allies while I repair my self.  I call on you to aid me, and promise you this: should the side of Light prevail, then I will grant they that aid me whatever boons I can as rewards, within reason.  I hope that is not the only reason you choose to fight for me, but in my experience, you motivate more people with a pile of treasure and a kind plea than a kind plea alone."

Hmm. Tempting, but I wasn't ready to deal with him yet. I'll talk to him later, once I've gotten my business in order. Then I opened the scroll and skimmed through it. It was for the princesses. Eh, I'll give it to them when I get the chance. Then I grabbed the ice cube.

"I am Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Undead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magician. I seek the aid of those who wish to oppose the merchant, the void-dweller responsible for this all the displaced. Contact me if you wish to fight against that which put you in this place."

Sweet. I put his token next to the coin. I would probably be pretty useful on his little quest, since I don't think this "Merchant" sent me here on purpose.

I cycled through the other tokens to make sure I didn't miss anything, but those were the most notable ones. I decided that since I didn't seem to be alone in this anymore, I should make a shelf to put these on, and a token of my own. I snapped the crest off my satchel and  filled in the two smaller holes with their respective Ancients. Since that seemed to be enough detail for the object I turned my to coming up with a call-sign.

"I am Dual, master of the Heroes of the Radiant and the Dire, and destroyer of the Ancients. If innocent blood has been spilled or enslaved, call on me and I will aid you however I can."

Informative, but not lengthy, flashy, but not overstated, this'll do nicely. With that done, I mixed a couple of my more exotic backstories together to toss the crest into the void, with a new one growing on my satchel the moment its predecessor disappeared. A few seconds later, I got a nibble.

"I am Red Wind the Aeromancer. I have reawoken from my deep slumber and am on the run. My powers have greatly diminished and I have run myself into a corner. I do not know how long until I am found. I require assistance."

Hmm, sounds like this guy could use a hand. I accepted the party invitation, felt a tug on my gut, and fell into the Furthest Ring. What? It’s a pretty accurate depiction of the inter-universal void.

much later

I stepped through a massive hole in fabric of space-time back into my own world, lugging the enormous, undying carcass of Roshan behind me, and holding a Direstone. "That Red Wind guy was a pretty cool dude, I hope he takes my advice." What I hadn't mentioned to him was that as long as that satchel was separate from me, I would no longer have access to Storm Spirit or any of his spells. A minor sacrifice early on, but I'd have to watch who I gave my powers out too. However, the look on his face when he realized what I was offering was more than worth the trade.

I hot-footed it through the Everfree, looking for a nearby cave where Roshan could live until I needed him for the battlefield and a good place to start building the Dire Ancient. I really didn't want him to wake up before I found one, since I didn't feel like beating him up again. Trouncing this guy once was more than enough.  After wandering around for a while, I finally found a nice tall cave right next to a river. I was pretty sure Roshan would feel right at home in here. I hauled him inside, made sure he was still healing like he should be, then moved deeper into the forest for about the same amount of time distance and placed the piece of Dire in a small clearing. I could feel it's pleasure as the match started to take shape, so it must be in the right location, or close enough.

It turned out that the Ancients were indestructible under most conditions, and I'd have to go to a lot work to make them vulnerable. With that in mind, the first step would be to recruit allies. DOTA is a team game, and a team with one member isn't much of a team at all. Now that I had my next task, I set my sights on Ponyville, the nearest settlement. I should be able to find a suitable partner or two there.

Ponyville

I powered up Riki's skill set and slipped into town. Ponies were all over the place, living their lives, selling and buying merchandise, eating, playing, the usual stuff.

Let's see here, I swept my eyes over the crowd. I'm looking for an intelligent pony who is logical/impressionable enough to be convinced I might be doing the right thing and isn't completely dead set on stopping me. That meant all of the Mane Six and their families were out, along with most of the other ponies in town. However, a few ponies did spring to mind when I set up those parameters. I went for hunting for the first one on the list. Finding the schoolhouse was easy enough but since it was high noon, more or less, I wouldn't be able to talk to her for a few more hours. So I used a few tangos and a bottle to have some lunch, and settled in to wait.

Ponyville Elementary School

The last of her students had just gone home for the day, and Miss Cherilee was tidying up the classroom and getting all the homework straightened out. With that done, she did one last quick check to make sure everything was in place.

Chalkboards clean, check. Dirt and paper off the floor, check. Paints put away, check. Books on the shelves, check. Apple of the day crunchurp, check. Creature next to the door, check. Wait- Her eyes snapped around to the biped that had appeared next to the only exit, and went up, and up. He was twice her height, with glowing green and orange eyes and skin, and was completely bald. She knew what this thing was, she'd read about him when she was a filly. Massacre, the Unstoppable. She was so shocked the apple core she was biting into fell out of her mouth and hit the floor. The creature gazed traveled from her to the core, and his brow furrowed. Then slowly, almost cautiously, he dropped down to all fours, like one of those apes from the eastern continents, and started loping forward. She took an involuntary few steps back before she realized he was just picking up the apple and sticking it in the garbage. With that done, he turned back to her, and spoke.

"Hello, Miss Cherilee."

"H-hello. may I ask what you're doing in my classroom?"

"That is simple enough." He sat on the floor and pulled out a piece of paper. "I would like to play a game."

Miss Cherilee, by this point, had gone from shocked, to scared, to just plain confused. "A game? What game?"

"A number game. I know a rule, a rule written on this piece of paper, which I will give to you in advance so it can't be tampered with. You will then guess sets of three, and I say whether they match the rule or not. Your job is to guess the rule from those answers. 2,4,6 makes the rule say yes. Are you interested?"

Miss Cherilee accepted, between wanting to keep this creature happy and being genuinely curious as to what he was getting at.

"Begin."

"2,4,6."

"Yes."

"Ok, 6,8,10?"

"Yes."

"0,2,4?"

"Yes."

"It's a set of three positive numbers, increasing by 2 per number."

He smiled, not showing his teeth. "And what would you say if I told you that 80% of grown ponies couldn't get the right answer?" (Technically, it was grown humans, but close enough.)

"I'd say I have to think wider. -5,-3,-1,"

"Yes."

"-2,0,2?"

"yes."

"Hmm. 5,10,15."

"Yes."

"21, 42, 63?"

"Yes."

"I say the answer is any three numbers, increasing by the same amount per number."

He smiled wider, showing a set of canines that were never meant for eating plants. "Open it up and see how you did."

Cherilee did so, and read, Any three numbers, ordered lowest to highest. her jaw dropped. All of a sudden she felt like the victim of a massive practical joke.

"That, Miss Cherilee, is what is called Positive Bias, or the tendency to try to support your ideas instead of trying to destroy them, and it prevented you from finding the right answer. Overcoming it is the key to truly being able to investigate the world around you. You didn't come up with a single guess that made the rule say no, and it crippled your logic. The key to knowing whether an idea is a good one is not to try to prop it up, but attack it in every way you can think of. If it's still standing despite your best efforts, then you win.

Cherilee was gaping, mouth opening and closing without any sound coming out. Her face looked like a cross between stunned amazement and total rage.

"This is only the first of many things I could show you. If you want to learn more, meet me at the Entrance to the Everfree Forest after class tomorrow. Good afternoon." With that he abruptly stood up, stepped outside and vanished.

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Thank you, HPMOR, for that lovely hook. I hadn't actually left, despite what I might have led Cherilee to believe. Instead, I was looking in the window, gauging her reaction. Once the initial shock had worn off, she stepped into the back room. I could hear the sounds of her venting her frustration on what was probably the same poor wall she hit after any stressful day. I was, of course, snickering the entire time. While it wasn't supposed to be a prank, her expressions were just too funny for me to resist.

It was a full 17 minutes before she came back out, wearing a mischievous smile. I knew that look, as I'd sported it myself on more than one occasion, and then I was certain she wouldn't miss our little appointment for anything in the world. With that done I headed towards Twilight's library, since the tree seemed to be sitting on top of another of piece of Radiant. It was going to be a pain to get at, mainly because despite having over 100 heroes in my arsenal, not a single one of them was a burrower. You'd think I 'd have one of everything but nope, no burrowers.

Twilight's Library

Twilight was busily reading the latest magic samples from Canterlot, and scratching her head in confusion. After the leystone had been removed, the magic all around had gone spastic... for all of two seconds.  Then it dropped to almost non-existent levels. What was weird, though, was that the magic levels were slowly returning to normal. Although that was nothing compared to what the unicorns who were measuring them were saying. They described the magic as tasting cleaner, fresher, like the smell of the ground after a refreshing rain.  It didn't make sense at all. Maybe he's right. whispered a niggling corner of her brain. This does all match up with he said. Twilight dismissed it. Dual had taken the Elements of Harmony and was refusing to give them back, and until he did, Twilight wouldn't consider it.

Ugh why did Dual have to pick such a smug name? This wasn't the only inexplicable thing on her plate today, after all. She'd heard first hand from Rainbow Dash exactly what Dual had done when he'd learned of his collateral damage, and she was tempted to call her an outright liar. Villains don't pick up their messes, they don't care about those they hurt. But Dual did just that, not just in Cloudsdale, but all over Equestria. In the end, while there was still extensive property damage across the country, not a single death or major injury remained. And Twilight couldn't make any sense of it. It was almost like he was being contrary on purpose. Stupid bucking name...

She was just about to recheck a set of figures on the magical frequency compared to the wavelength when a thud followed by a series of clatters echoed from downstairs. "Spike, I told you not to mess with my equipment."

"Uh, Twilight," Spike said, sticking his head out of the bedroom. "I'm up here."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, then as one charged the basement door. Twilight only managed to get a glimpse of 5 weird looking short bipeds with very long ears holding shovels before-"blink dagger" they were gone, leaving behind a hole in the floor that must have held another leystone, from the magical energy it was giving off. Twilight exploded.

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I made it just past the first line of houses before Mount Twilight went off. I cackled as I ran, holding another stone that thankfully, was only as big as my head. I sprinted all the way to the outskirts of town before I slowed down, and made sure Twilight wasn't giving chase. She wasn't, which was good because I'd forgotten to turn my invisibility back on. I did so, and turned to activate my boots and head back home when I heard a bush rustle. Eh, it's probably nothing. Wait. It's never nothing. There is only one thing to do in a situation like this: INVESTIGATE!

I whirled on my heel and marched over to the bush, stuck my hand in, and, accompanied by a squeak of surprise, pulled a mint green unicorn with a two tone mane and lyre Cutie Mark out by her horn. I held her up to eye level and gave her my best deadpan stare. She grinned sheepishly in return.

"Er, hi?"

Achievement unlocked: "Level One Intelligent Characters."