So some magical portal sucked me into another realm and yadda yadda I somehow end up being the only human in a realm of magical talking ponies.
Yeah I’m not too happy about this situation either but it gets worse.
See turns out that since this realm has magic it has access to many alternate worlds including one that is similar to my own and another version of Equestria that is similar to the one in the show.
The one I am in currently is not so similar to the one in the show…
In fact, it is a direct rip off of a bunch of over done Japanese harem school girl tropes and I am frickin pissed off about it!
…
Yeah I can’t curse even in my own thoughts.
Stupid TV-Y rating.
Anyways, when I appeared in the world the first time it was in the outskirts of Canterlot. I knew that I was a bit far from home due to the loads of screaming, the presence of a lot of different manga shops and a few maid cafes…oh and the ponies as well. Loads of em too.
Oh and a GIANT FEDUAL JAPANESE STRONGHOLD LOOMING OVER THE WHOLE CITY!
Sorry, freaked out a bit there. Anyways, the guard arrested me and brought me to Princess Celestia.
Who was wearing what I can only describe as the Sailor Moon outfit if it was made for a pony.
I broke about three ribs keeping my laughter in seeing as how I had no idea how much trouble I was in. Fortunately, this was not a war-like Celestia and after a few questions she decided that I seemed safe enough.
Princess Celestia decided that since I was still in school age that I should be sure to get a good education while they figure out how to send me back. When I pointed out the flaw in the logic: namely that their history, economics, social studies and pretty much anything not math related would be unapplicable to a normal education back home she waved it off and said that I still needed an education.
She even insisted on sending me to the top high school of Canterlot which is where her student was currently residing and in which Celestia was a part time principal. I figured that she was using this as a means of keeping an eye on me while the mages worked out how the portal that sent me here worked so we would have a time frame in which I could return to my home world.
In truth I had already realized five things:
This place seemed to be a very bad derivative of both Japanese anime and the MLP:FIM TV show.
I was a high school student sent to a new school that I knew nothing about
A popular character with magic was there and I was some new creature/student
I am not going to fricking date/go out with/fall in love with a pony
It has been years since I had really paid that much attention to either the show or anime so I was going to have to bank on this being uninspired so I can avoid everything.
I agreed to going to the school with the caveat that I get my own place to stay stating that I needed time to adjust and being in control of my life outside of school seemed the best option. The Princess agreed and after a week of both finding a new place and getting it stocked with food and my new school uniforms I was set to start things off.
I had to make damn sure that I pull things off perfectly.
-Day 1 Morning.
So when the alarm next to my ground level bed/futon went off I began my day by smashing it with my fist until it was a pile of scrap next to me. I trundled out of the bed and began to brush my teeth while looking at myself in the mirror.
First thing was first, I asked some of the guards for some fashion stuff on the most popular manes in the area seeing as how protaganists would always have some weird hair style or fashion that would make them stand out. I knew that just being who I was would already make me stand out but the sooner I get this universe to see me as something boring or uninteresting the sooner I can avoid shenanigans.
Especially Japanese high school shenanigans….*shudder*
As soon as I had the hair styled properly I grabbed my school uniform and made sure everything was buttoned up and styled properly, no odd looking or rumpled clothes indicating a free spirit here no sir.
I then sat down and enjoyed my breakfast in full; because screw running to school with a piece of toast in my mouth!
…I really miss cursing….
Finally I made sure all of my supplies were sealed tight with my pens locked up in a plastic container to prevent falls or leaks and with that I stepped out locked the door and looked up as the sun was barely coming over the horizon.
School started at 8 am sharp and the current time was 5:05 am and the school was 30 minutes walk from my place.
I am not going to be late!
~2 hours and 25 minutes later~
After I had managed to dodge the third runaway foodstand that was trying to run me over I finally made it to the school just as the gates had started opening.
In the frantic fight that had become my life for the past few hours I had literally dodged so many clichés and been chased by so many different animals that I had a sneaking suspicion that an elder god wearing a Monogatari shirt is trying to screw with me right now.
Fortunately, I had planned for this so I walked into the alley next to the school and tore off my outer and now fully stained and rumpled school uniform to reveal the pristine one underneath. A quick comb over and now I looked the same as I did before. I stuffed the now ruined school uniform into my bookbag and made it to the school.
Now I just needed to time things so I don’t walk into anyone when I go through the gate.
Yeah I was banking on the whole, you walk into one of your pretty female classmates as you are going into the school causing awkwardness that eventually leads to falling in love shtick.
I could pretty much guarantee it seeing as how they couldn’t do the whole childhood friend thing seeing as how I never was from here.
…I think.
Honestly, doing a whole time travel/fate/destiny thing might happen. In which case I needed to keep my guard up for any unusual spells.
I made sure to walk through the gate and into the school without bumping into anyone or anything.
So far so good.I made my way to the Principal’s office without any incidents and hearing only a smattering of conversations which either became hushed or stopped as I walked through the hallways. I kind expected the stares but it still did nothing but make me feel so alien.
Wasn’t a good feeling but I’d take it over violence any day.
I arrived at 7:50 am at the office, 10 minutes before I was set to arrive.
Nothing like a good, punctual student to make for a boring focus to a story. I knocked on the door.
It swung open to reveal Princess Celestia pinning some stallion on the desk and was furiously making out with him. Their moans and gasps permeated the air along with some rather unusual smells as well. I don’t know how long I stood there with my hand held up in the knocking position but it was long enough for the Princess to look up and stop what she was doing.
We three stared at each other for about a minute before Celestia blurted out, “Classroom 202!” and slammed the door in my face causing the glass to shatter and the three of us to resume the god awful eye contact.
After what felt like eternity (likely only 10 seconds) I managed to find the mental switch for my legs and just walked away to find the classroom. I don’t remember how I found it or an empty desk that was available as at that point I had PTSD and the only thing that was going through my head was:
‘The horror, the horror’
“And now class I’d like to introduce you to our new student, would you please introduce yourself to the class?” asked the teacher.
Oh, right, classroom…that’s where I am, not in hell. Good.
I blinked and stood up and said my name and that I was new to the area and hoped I would be someone they would all come to forget even existed.
That caused a few murmurs and the teacher looked at me funny but it was good enough for me and I sat back down.
“Psst,” came a high pitched female voice. I ignored it instead looking at the board to see if there was something I needed to take notes on. “Psst!” came the voice again much more urgently. It was a good thing they all wrote in English I guess, made things easier on me. Apparently I was in Earth Pony Studies 201 or something like that. Not sure what the hell it was about though.
“Psst!!” came the voice again, how it managed to exclamation marks when I heard it…wait…
High pitched voice
Female based on sound
Impossible punctuation!
I turned around and saw a pink mare wearing a school girl's uniform with very curly hair and bright blue eyes smiling at me.
“Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie! I hope we can be bestest friends!!” exclaimed the pink mare.
‘Nope, nope, nope, nope’ I stood up from my desk and calmly walked to the classroom door as the teacher asked if I needed to go to the bathroom, I opened the door and closed it behind me.
Taking a deep breath I began the refrain of noping out loud as I ran down the hallway. I turned the corner at full speed ramming into one of the lockers and continued bolting as fast as I could towards the exit. I had made it to the exit right when Celestia had walked out of the office to see where that commotion was coming from.
I bashed open the exit at this point screaming “Nope!” as loud as I could and ran directly for the school gate. In an act of as of unheard of athleticism from me I vaulted over the gate clearing it in one leap as I continued running and screaming from the school.
Day 1: Afternoon
I sat in my room sipping my tea grasping the cup with both hands as my trembling had not resided as much as I would have liked since this morning. I knew that it was probably not that great of an idea to run away from school like that but I had a good reason. Namely the reason of Pinkie Pie.
My first contact with an Element of Harmony.
On one hand half of the Brony in me was happy that he got to see and meet at least one version of the Elements of Harmony, and Pinkie was always a pretty cool character. The other half of the Brony, and the rest of me, was absolutely terrified that they had just come directly into contact with what amounted to an eldritch abomination of hammer space and impossibility all wrapped in the guise of a pink energetic puff ball.
Needless to say that if this was the universe’s means of getting me into main character status I was going to just commit seppuku right here and now.
There was a knock on the door of my apartment.
“Come in,” I called out and then grumbled under my breath, “not like you guys have locks or anything in this society anyways.”
The door opened to reveal a guard who came into the room and looked down at me. The guards were a bit cooler in this universe than in the show I’d have to say. Instead of the golden armor they all wore a red and black painted armor of a samurai and they all had some form of weapon hanging by their side, this one had a pair of nun-chucks that clicked slightly as he walked into the room.
“The Princess wants to know why you have disgraced her so,” commanded the guard as he gave me a look that clearly stated that if I did not answer satisfactorily that he was going to crush my head like a grape.
I set the tea down and looked him in the eyes, ‘might as well go for the truth’ I thought to myself.
“Have you ever fought a monster before?” I inquired of the guard who raised his eyebrow slightly. “Of course,” he stated evenly, “those who bind themselves to the service of Equestria have to do battle with vile creatures from time to time.”
“Have you ever fought a creature that is so impossible that to even begin to understand it would lead to a swirling vortex of madness and insanity the likes of which could lead to a shattering of your mind and possibly your very soul?” I asked of the guard who suddenly looked with concern at me.
“I have never even heard of such a creature before,” replied the guard a bit hesitantly now that he knew of what might drive me to disobey the Princess. “I have,” I replied grimly as I flexed my finger around the cup wondering if it could soothe my nerves. “I met her today, in class,” I explained as I brought the cup shakily to my lips and took a long sip of the tea in an effort to calm myself.
“What?” deadpanned the Guard as he looked at me, I nodded my head, of course he wouldn’t believe me. But I had seen it before, I knew the truth. “It is true whether or not you believe me, but I will not subject myself to such madness,” I replied evenly. The guard sighed and then did the only thing he could in the situation, he knocked me unconscious and swung me over his back.
“You will at least be there for the end of the day or else I will have failed in my duties,” said the guard as my unconscious form just groaned at him as he started dragging me back to the school.
Day 1: end of school
I stood up from my desk as the last bell of the day rang. The giant knot on the back of my head bothering me somewhat but not as much as having to sit through a lecture on baking pies. Since I had absolutely no magic of my own Celestia had assigned me to Earth pony courses which meant mostly home-ec and agriculture. It was without a doubt both the easiest and speciest thing I had ever been in. However, judging by how my other classmates acted this was just the norm of the caste system that they had set up. I think some part of me thought that it was wrong and uncalled for but the vast majority of me was on high alert for the Pink one.
I had been trying to decide how I should approach the situation. Obviously, she would try to drag me around and meet new people as is her way and without class to act as a barrier I knew that I was going to be doomed as soon as the bell rung. So between pretending to take notes I had formed a plan. A most devious of plans that would no doubt turn everything on its head.
How do you get out of fate you ask?
You force it’s hand…or hoof in this case!
God that blow to the head messed me up a lot worse than I thought.
“Hi, I saw you run away from class earlier so I never caught your name do you happen to like cupcakes cuz I love them so much, I eat them all the time which is why my mom says I have a big…” I put my hand over her mouth and looked her straight in the eye.
“Do you want to go out with me?” I asked her.
Pinkie’s eyes went wide and her mouth started to run at full tilt without stopping but I kept my hand over her mouth just to avoid the stream of consciousness no doubt going on. I waited for a minute then two as she never seemed to stop and when she finally came to an end I think the entire area of my palm was soaked.
Small price to pay for my sanity.
“Listen, I didn’t hear any of that but when I take my hand off of your mouth all I need to know is yes or no, ok?” I told Pinkie who nodded her head in the affirmative.
I took my hand off and she lunged at me and gripped me in the tightest hug of my life. “Yes, yes, no pony has ever asked me out before!” she squealed rather cutely as I squealed because the last of my breath had left my body and my vision was fading to black.
She suddenly let go and I gasped as sweet, sweet air returned to my lungs. “Oh my gosh, I got to throw a thank you for asking me out party, and then I gotta throw you a new kid to the school party, and then I got to plan a party for our first date and then…” she trailed off as I put my hand back over her mouth and I looked around the room.
Pretty much every one besides me and Pinkie had stopped moving and were looking at me and her like we had just grown six heads and sworn allegiance to Azathoth. I knew that what I just did was no less insane but I had realized that the best way to change this story was to enlist the powers of “The One Who Breaks the Fourth Wall” if I was to accomplish my task of maintaining as low a profile as possible
Although doing so I realized made me fill two very popular and annoying tropes.
I was dating a Pink haired main protagonist girl
I was dating my opposite on the character spectrum/opposites attract
It was worth it for access to hammerspace and a heads up for when things were going to go bad. As indicated when as we were walking out of the classroom Pinkie grabbed my bookbag and jerked me back as a lightbulb fell to the ground shattering just right where I was going to step. I sighed and then smiled at Pinkie who returned it before she began chattering again.
I just hope that she didn’t live near me, last thing I needed was a coincidental neighbor play.
-Day 1: Night
She lived across the street.
Of course she lives across the street.
I sighed and tilted my head up to the ceiling asking for some kind of sign that I wasn’t doomed to primary character status, that maybe I could get by with a secondary auxillary character. I had enough on my plate for getting back I do not need drama in my life right now.
There was a knock on my door as I grumbled and went over to open it. There was the guard who had given me a concussion earlier standing behind it. “I hope you got some good news on finding out when the portal to my home opens up again,” I stated as I leaned against the doorframe crossing my arms.
‘Oh god I’m spouting exposition’ I groaned in my head
“We have actually and I have some good news,” explained the Guard as I perked up.
“It will open again in 4 years,” he replied, I groaned and face palmed with both my hands at the same time.
An entire four years of high school in magical pixie fart pseudo-japanese my little pony.
Terrific.
