Colgate's Rants

by StormLuna

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate
Length: 2972

Colgate is Ponyville's friendly dentist but she does a good job hiding her true feelings. She has some bad patients and has decided the time has come to express her true views about them.

Colgate is Ponyville's friendly dentist, the one everypony thinks is a sweet, caring pony with that beaming smile. Don't let that smile and those caring eyes fool you though. Deep down Colgate is irritated and holds a lot of resentment towards some of Equestria's residents. While her views may surprise you, she has damn good reasons for harboring them.

Rated Teen due to some profane language.

Published 2015-02-19 04:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-19 04:30:01 UTC

Colgate's Views on Some of Her Patients

Hi, I am Ponyville's friendly dentist, Dr. Colgate, although some of you may know me as Minuette. Ugh I hate that name, what the hell were my parents thinking when they named me that? Anyway there are some ponies here in Ponyville and a few up in Canterlot that I truly can't stand. With some it is just a matter of them being slow on paying their bills, with others it is because they are spoiled assholes and then of course there are those that fall into both categories. Where shall I start my rant? I'll just do them in random order but those that piss me off the most I'll save for the end, after all, what fun is there in doing them right away?

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First off we have Fluttershy. Where do I start with her? Alright, while I don't hate her like I do others, she is still quite annoying. Whenever she comes in for her appointment she always has to bring that fucking rabbit with her. I swear, what I wouldn't do to kill that little piece of shit. He is always glaring at me, jumping around all over the place knocking my equipment over and like all idiotic woodland creatures, he always winds up shitting in some corner where I can't find it for a couple of days. Just imagine if the health inspector came, I would face serious fines and have to close up shop.

While she may seem meek and timid, that bitch is always trying to find a way around paying her bill. She always claims, "oh I can't pay my bill right now because I had to buy Angel some special food."

Why the hell that little piece of shit just won't eat pellets like the rest of her animals do is beyond me. They should just attack Angel and kill him in the middle of the night. Then out of spite take his carcass and drop it on her face before she wakes up the following morning.

One time that ditz tried to pay me by offering me a few birds from her songbird choir. Yes seriously, a few fucking birds! What the hell am I supposed to do with them, have them attack unruly patients in the waiting room? Have them go shit on Rarity's head when she's out and about? She claims that their singing would be better and more soothing than the metal I play over the sound system. Come on, you can't beat Judas Priest, Metallica, AC/DC and all the other stuff I play.

One time I did get her to pay what she owed me by threatening to break into her house at night and sacrifice Angel to the gods of dentistry in her living room if she didn't pay up. Naturally she started crying and whining like the little bitch that she is. I laughed in her face and told her if she would just pay her bill on time that I wouldn't have to make threats like this.

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Next we have Rainbow Dash. Well for starters she has to be the most arrogant patient I have. She is always going on and on about how one day she will become the captain of the Wonderbolts. I am here thinking, "first Rainbow, you have to make the damn Wonderbolts first."

Then she goes yapping about how she is the best damn flyer in all of Equestria and why the hell should I care. It's no skin off of my ass. She could actually be the captain of the Wonderbolts and it wouldn't change the fact that she is a narcissistic little bitch. I don't know how her friends put up with her. If any of my friends acted like that I'd rip all their teeth out and then dump them as a friend.

Sometimes I think of how funny it would be if I expanded my medical knowledge to beyond being a dentist. Maybe I should take a course on amputating body parts and invite her over for a free exam. I would put her under and then remove those damn wings. Hell I would run them through a rock crusher right in front of her face just to see her reaction. My guess is that she would probably start whining and crying just like Fluttershy did when I threatened to kill that rabbit of her's.

Also I have heard that the Wonderbolts won't accept ponies that don't take care of their teeth. She ALWAYS shows up with cavities so just to spite her I sent an email to Spitfire a while back with copies of her dental records so she would know she doesn't take care of her teeth. If she honestly thinks she will ever be a Wonderbolt, she is dumber than I thought she was. She is going to be in for a rude awakening when Spitfire approaches her over her teeth and tells her to go to hell at her next visit to the Wonderbolts Academy.

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And now we have Applejack. Ok, I don't entirely hate Applejack because she does take great care of her teeth, it is just that she just sometimes tries to get around paying her bills that pisses me off so much. She once tried to pay me in apples. Yep, apples! While having apples in the waiting room for patients to snack on is nice, it ain't going to pay the bills. Not only do I have the regular bills along with property taxes to deal with, I have malpractice insurance I have to pay and that shit ain't cheap! Her last appointment was right after Filthy Rich bought a hundred jars of zapapple jam from her. She obviously had the money to pay her co-pay but oh no, she just couldn't do that. She had to use that money to take Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to the Crystal Empire as a special surprise. At least her insurance paid most of what she owed me but I'm still going to go after her for those 50 bits she owes me.

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Now we have Pinkie Pie. Good grief, she is another one of those patients that makes me wonder how she has any friends. Sometimes I think she needs to be prescribed meds for her undiagnosed ADHD but unfortunately Equestrian law forbids dentists from prescribing such medications. She is the most hyper patient that I have, not to mention the one with the most cavities. Did you know that she has so many fillings that if I was to rip her teeth out and sell them I could probably buy a second house to rent out as an extra source of income? Maybe I should do that. I could simply tell her that they are all beyond saving and just tell her she needs dentures. Then instead of having to put up with her hyperactivity I could just get income from that rental instead. Besides, she is another one of those rats that tries to get out of paying her bill.

Get this, she once tried to pay me with ice cream and cookies. When she did this my jaw dropped open. I told her, "Are you FUCKING NUTS. I am a dentist! It'll be a nice and sunny day in Tartarus before I would ever eat that shit."

Of course she gave me those damn puppy dog eyes that most ponies would cave into. I on the other hoof simply smacked her so hard she went flying across the room. I told her to pay up or I would sue the shit out of her. Eventually she begged the Cakes to pay her bill for her. Yeah they took a huge hit to their profits but I don't care. As long as I get my money I will be happy. I have just one question with her: Why the hell can't she be like her sister Maud?

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Next up we have Rarity. Now she is one of those ponies that I would love to just smack the shit out of. She always comes in whining and complaining about having to come to the dentist in the first place. One time I asked her why the hell she even came in if she hates it so much. Her reply was idiotic. She claimed that her parents would write her out of their will if she didn't come to the dentist every six months and unfortunately for her, they check with me to make sure she does come.

One surprising thing about her is how poor her oral health is. One would think that a pony that places so much importance on her physical appearance would take great care of her teeth. Boy was I wrong. I asked her once why she didn't brush and this was her reply, "Well you see, when you are a fashionista you just can't risk getting anything in your coat."

My reply to her was, "Well when you are a snobby fashion pony you can't get anything in your coat. I would just die!" When I said that she smacked me but hey, I slapped her so hard I knocked a few teeth out, adding 100 bits to her bill that day.

What made me even more angry is that she had the audacity to pay me in gems! That's right, gems! Gems are pretty and all and I could sell them but the pony who buys them only comes to Ponyville every three months and I had bills to pay. And what is even more irritating is that she claimed that I needed to dress up all fancy like the dentist in Canterlot does, or should I say did before he was shut down! Who the fuck does she think she is trying to tell me how to dress? What a shame she isn't well behaved and good mannered like her little sister is, not to mention that Sweetie Belle actually brushes and flosses.

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Next up, we have Princess Twilight Sparkle. I don't hate her I just get irritated with her pawning her bills off on Celestia, who won't pay. Now she caused problems before she became a princess but that was primarily because her insurance, TiaCare, simply didn't cover that much of the bill and Twilight always told me to just send the bill for the co-pay to Celestia. Well I would do that and guess what? She would NEVER pay on time. I would approach Twilight over this but she always just avoided me and naturally this became rather irritating.

Once she became a princess though, she seemed to be more standoffish when it came to her bills. She would scream and yell about being charged for anything given that she was royalty. Given that she is a princess, I would think she would have more than enough money to pay her bills but oh no, she still just hands me her TiaCare card and expects Celestia to pay it. Now that Twilight is a princess, Tia won't cover any of it. Well I eventually had enough, I showed Twilight the customer/doctor agreement and she was shocked that it said that I could demand anything from the customer if they refuse to pay off their balance so I decided that she must keep not just me, but also my marefriends, Amethyst Star and Sea Swirl happy.

Now she wasn't overly happy about it at first but she soon grew to love the trysts she would have with Amethyst, Sea Swirl and I. She should be happy that the three of us helped her discover that Tia simply wasn't all that good in bed. Maybe she will dump that non-paying bum Celestia and become our sex toy permanently. While threesomes are great, adding a fourth mare makes it all the better.

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Now I will move on to the ones that I really hate. First we have Flash Sentry, who suffered a terrible fate by my hooves. First off, he is a part of Celestia's royal guard. Why the hell doesn't he just see the dentist in Canterlot? Oh now I remember, it is because the health inspector shut him down when he discovered he never washed his equipment and that his office was infested with rats and cockroaches.

First thing is that he whined, cried and complained about how he thought I was so mean to him because I still inject sedatives in the side of a patient's mouth instead of just rubbing a numbing agent on the tooth I will be working on when it comes to cavities and root canals. I mean come on, he is a member of the royal guard for Luna's sake and he is scared of a needle, A FUCKING NEEDLE! Then he decides to go rambling on about how he has a crush on Princess Twilight Sparkle and was crying because he discovered she is a lesbian.

I am thinking to myself, "guess what, I don't give a fuck!" Just to spite him though I told him how good Twily was in bed. That made him cry more and when I told him how she loves it when my marefriends and I dominate her, he called me a bitch so I had to leave a few scars on that pretty little face of his.

Then he decides to grab my ass with his wing. That is when I decided the time had come to punish him severely. I had expected him to have his payment ready for when his appointment was done. Well he handed me his "TiaCare Card" which is the insurance Celestia has her guard under. Well I ran it through but guess what, the insurance DECLINED payment. I gagged Flash, hauled him down to my basement, hog tied him and threw him on the floor. I headed over to Twily's castle and had her dragon send a message to Tia telling her about this issue and how much her guard boy's bill is. She sends a message back along with half of what Flash owed me. I figured fine, if you are only going to give me a partial payment you will only receive a part of Flash back.

What I did next was rather funny. I cut one of his wings off and mailed it to Tia. Obviously this angered her so she flew down to rip me a new one. When she arrived she got up in my face and was yelling at me. So I decided to show her the agreement that we made years ago when it came to issues involving non-payment and partial payment. She discovered that what I did to her beloved Flash was perfectly legal. After throwing a fit she payed me most of the remaining balance but not all of it. So I cut the other wing off as part of clearing the rest of his balance. I ran it through a wood chipper so she could not reattach it. Yeah she was pissed but legally there was nothing she could do. From what I understand Flash is now working on the Pie Family's rock farm. Maud Pie came in one day and told me how he was still crying his eyes out because of Twilight being a lesbian. You know how Maud is, never shows any emotion? Well we both got a good laugh out of it. I never saw her show that much emotion in my life.

In the end he was the reason why I quit accepting TiaCare. I still accept LunaCare but then again it pays a larger percentage of the bill and it really helps that Luna and her guard ALWAYS pay their co-pays.

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Finally we have Princess Celestia. She seems to be honest enough on the surface but when it comes to paying her bills, well what she owes me anyway, she is a bum. She thinks her damn TiaCare is so great when I was lucky to get 60% of what I was owed, well before I quit accepting it. She one time told me that she would even go as far as making me a princess and promising me that I would never have to worry about anything ever again. There is one problem, Tia doesn't know me very well. I put a lot of value into hard work and I personally think the royals (except Luna), who just sit up there on their dead asses doing nothing productive are lazy. I politely declined her offer but had she said I could still be a dentist, I would have let her transform me into an Alicorn.*

Of course as what I had described earlier, it pissed me off how she refused to pay off the balances of those covered under her insurance. I don't think she knows what it is like to have to worry about your finances. She has no clue how it is to have to worry about malpractice insurance, property taxes, other costs involving running my practice and of course the costs involved in my home as well.

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Alright everypony, that is my rant. There are plenty of other ponies that are on my shit list or at least irritate me but it would take me months if I listed them all. To be honest, the only ones that have never pissed me off in any way are Princess Luna and my two marefriends, Amethyst Star and Sea Swirl.

Author's Note

This story is a first pony view by Colgate on some of her patients.

*The issue of Tia offering Colgate the opportunity to be an Alicorn comes from The Royal Root Canal, a story that I wrote in July of 2013.