Twilight Sparkle licked her lips as she stared at the refrigerator. Today, she was going to make her first mixed drink—a Piña Colada, which her research suggested consisted of white rum, pineapple, and coconut milk. Yesterday she had purchased said items at the market and today she was going to mix them. Smiling, she opened the fridge where her bounty lay. She pulled out the ingredients and set them on the counter.
She figured the most difficult part of the process would be draining the coconut juice out of the coconut, so to that effect she grabbed her handy-dandy coconut-piercing screwdriver. She grasped the coconut and the screwdriver in her magic and prodded each of the eyes in turn, grinning when she found the soft eye. Twilight then thrust the screwdriver into the soft eye.
The soft eye did not puncture.
Instead, it appeared to stretch around the point of the screwdriver. Twilight raised an eyebrow at this.
Coconuts don’t stretch. Yet this coconut appears to have stretched.
Curious, Twilight set the screwdriver down and picked up the coconut in her magic. She attempted to pry it open, when to her surprise the entire thing stretched this way and that.
Twilight hummed. “This coconut appears to be stretchy.”
“Well, isn’t that a surprise?”
Twilight shrieked and swiveled around to see Discord peering over her shoulder. “Discord, you scared the daylights out of me!”
Discord nodded. “You appear to have a problem.”
“Yeah, my coconut is stretchy and I think I know who’s to blame,” Twilight said as she leveled a glare at Discord.
“You mean the rapscallion who sold you that defective coconut? I’d take that back for a refund if I were you,” Discord said as he cocked his head to the side.
“No,” Twilight said with a groan.
Discord lifted his head up and tapped his chin. “Maybe it’s all those pesticides they’ve been spraying on them recently. I know I don’t trust anything I can’t pronounce. Although that rule may not apply to you, what with you being so smart and all,” he said as he flashed a grin.
Twilight crossed her forelegs. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the pesticides. All of our produce is treated with insect-repelling and antibiotic agents and none of that is stretchy.”
Discord nodded slowly. “Maybe it’s the coconut manufacturers, then?”
Twilight ground her teeth. “Coconut manufactu—there’s no such thing as a coconut manufacturer!”
Discord lowered his head in order to stare Twilight in the eyes. “And how would you know that?”
“Because they grow on trees!”
Discord hummed. “Well then, what do you think made these coconuts in particular stretchy?”
“Really, Discord?”
“Yes, really,” Discord asked as a wicked grin sliced across his face.
Twilight glared at Discord. “I think it was you.”
Discord snapped his posture straight and held a paw to his chest. “You think it was moi?”
Twilight nodded as she kept her gaze fixed on Discord.
Discord crossed his arms and looked away. “Why is it that every time something violates the laws of physics, you blame it on me?”
“Because you’re the only being I associate with that can break said laws of reality.”
Discord snapped his body to face Twilight. “Celestia, Twilight, it’s almost as if you think I exist only to make your life miserable,” he said as a single tear dripped from his eye. “Does our friendship mean nothing to you?”
Twilight frowned. “Discord, I—”
“No, no, you’ve said quite enough, Twilight,” Discord said with his frowny-face on as he snapped a talon and summoned a suitcase. “I see how it is. You just don’t want me around any more.”
Twilight pursed her lips. “Discord, I’m sorry.”
“Ah, such hollow words coming from a former friend! But alas, they fall on deaf ears,” Discord said as he gripped the bag in his paw and moved to snap his talons.
“Discord, wait!”
Discord turned his head around. Not his body, mind you, his body stayed in the same position. It was just his head that turned, slightly creeping Twilight out. “Yes?”
Twilight looked down. “I’m… I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions about my stretchy coconut. I’ll make sure to look for evidence before I run off and blame you.”
“I’m afraid it’s too little, too late, my little Twilight, but I have one more thing to say to you.”
A tear dripped out of Twilight’s eye as well, her being caught up in the moment and all. “W-what is it?”
Discord put down the suitcase and walked towards Twilight Sparkle. “It’s just a word of advice before I leave the world of physics forever for being accused of such ignominy by one I used to hold so dear to my heart."
“Discord, you know I hate long good-byes, just spit it out already!”
“Alright, if you insist,” Discord said as he leaned his mouth within breathing distance of Twilight’s ear, Twilight able to feel his chaotic breath tickling her eardrum. “Twilight?”
“Y-yes, Discord?” Twilight asked. She was prepared for whatever final words her former friend had to say to her.
Discord took a deep breath. “I made your coconut stretchy.”
Twilight groaned. “Discord, what the hay!”
Discord pulled away and giggled. “I really had you going there for a second, didn’t I?”
“Discord, that was mean. Now make my coconut unstretchy and leave me to my alcohol.”
Discord shrugged as he snapped his talons. “Fine, have it your way,” he said as he snapped them again, vacating the premises.
Twilight sighed. After that distraction, she really could use a Piña Colada. She grasped the coconut and the screwdriver again, found the soft eye, and thrust the screwdriver into the soft eye, expecting a hole to form.
She did not expect confetti to spray out of the coconut.
Twilight could feel her heart rate accelerating and smoke coming out of her ears as her body burst into flame.
“Discord, I’ll kill you!”
Author's Note
Blame totallynotabrony.
Yes, this story is his fault.
