Fanfic Is Crapsack

Cheerilee trotted down the dimly lit back alley, hastening her steps as the night grew darker around her. Had she been in a more observant state of mind she might have pondered what a gritty, big city back alley was doing in a country town made of picturesque thatched cottages. But she had worked late at the schoolhouse and was in a hurry to get back home, and not of a mind to ponder the nature of the quick shortcut she was taking.

Something scuttled in the shadows above her.  Over the schoolteacher's unsuspecting head a hideous, segmented form clung to the walls, lurking in the eaves, slowly stalking her. This thing was no native of Ponyville, Equestria, or any hypothetical galaxy the pony's world floated in.

It's segmented tail writhed as it skittered, seemingly immune to gravity, over the concrete walls, it's blind elongated head tracking the maroon pony's every move. Claws flexed and inner and outer jaws drooled; fresh, fresh meat in which to lay its eggs.... carefully it climbed, headfirst, down a nearby telephone pole, closer and closer to where Cheerilee stood in the mouth of the alley, bemused by her loss of direction. Another few feet and it would be in range to spring.

Plop, Plop. Fizz. Fizz.

"Scuse me..."

the xenophage whipped its head around. There on the other side of the telephone pole, hanging by a lumberjack's belt and climbing pitons and grinning in a manner that made the space predator suddenly regret all the decisions that had brought it to this point in life, was a bright pink pony. The native was holding an empty box labeled "Appaloosa Seltzer" in one hoof, and a large 2 liter bottle of liquid which was beginning to fizz quite violently in the other.

"Here ya go!" Just as the acid-blooded alien hissed in surprise, the pony lunged forward and jammed the spout of the foaming bottle between its gaping jaws. Bubbling, foaming, alkaline liquid gushed down the shocked predator's unearthly throat.

A great deal of rather exciting chemistry proceeded to happen.

Cheerilee was looking in either direction, confused, trying to figure out how she was so turned around in her own neighborhood, when she noticed a strange rumbling, hissing noise coming from the alley behind her. Alarmed, she ducked around the corner out of the way. Just as she peeked back around the corner, there was a loud, sort of wet sound that could only be spelled out as

"BOWOUMPFSH"

And a blast of brackish green foam erupted from the alleyway. It barely missed Cheerilee's head and spattered against the housefront across the street, garnishing it with icicles of unwholesome looking goo. A moment later, Pinkie Pie came out after, sliding out of the alleyway on her back on a river of frothy slime and covered head to hoof in foaming ichor. "Wow," she exclaimed, "that was even more fun than I expected. Hi Cheerilee!"

Cheerilee stared at the town's number one party pony. "Pinkie.... what....?"

"--nothing to worry about," Pinkie said, waving one dripping hoof at the foamy devastation all around her. "Just a little cleanup thingie. You don't need to worry about it; just go on home and put your hoofsies up till tomorrow." She got to her feet, her mane and tail trailing limply in the slime. "Oh, and if you see Sweepie the street cleaner, tell him to be sure and sprinkle lots and lots of baking soda around here just in case.' No need to go into details. kay?" She beamed at the befuddled teacher.

Cheerilee thought about it. This was just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie...Though her trademark cheery grin seemed a tad... twitchy. Cheerilee struggled mentally for a bit and gave up. "I suppose not," she sighed. "I doubt I could even begin to explain what just happened anyway."

"Exactly!" Pinkamena agreed. "Go on home, it'll all be better tomorrow. Later..." She staggered off into the night, dribbling slimy foam behind her.

"Yes, I'm afraid there's no hope. You're never going to fly again." The pony in the white lab coat looked over his chart somberly. "The crippling is permanent."

"NOOOOOOOO !" the bandaged pegasus lying in the hospital bed exclaimed, clutching at her rainbow mane. "All my life's ambitions gone forever...."

The purple unicorn standing next to the doctor looked far less impressed. "Isn't that a little extreme for a bruised wing joint and a papercut?" Twilight asked. She had gone back to the library to see if she couldn't find some weight loss spellbooks for Lyra when Rainbow Dash had her minor accident. Twilight had rerouted to the hospital in order to retrieve some ingredients for a special unicorn weight-loss shake, and The rainbow pegasus had come along with her to get some liniment for her bruised shoulder and a bandage for her knee.

The doctor looked at her and huffed through his mustache, offended. "Bruised wingjoint? My dear miss Twilight, this is no such thing! It's a clear cut case of Deus Ex Machina with compound Dramatis Personae, an incurable condition among pegasi! Yes, I'm afraid she'll be lucky to even get around in a wheelchair from now on..."

Twilight stared at him.  "She tripped and fell down the front steps of the library! She's slammed into trees at a hundred miles an hour and flown away with less injury. Heck, she flew here from the library with me!"

"Well I'm afraid the diagnosis is still the same," the doctor scowled. "The test results are conclusive. I am sorry miss," he said sincerely to Rainbow Dash, who was now weeping hysterically into her hospital sheets. "Oh, and I'm afraid there's more bad news..."

"What??" Rainbow Dash said.

"Yes, I'm afraid our tests also indicate that you're pregnant."

"WHAT??"

"With Fluttershy's baby."

".... wait... WHAT???"

"Unfortunately you won't be able to carry to term as you're also apparently dying of cancer, leprosy, hoof and mouth and at least four venereal diseases normally only associated with lesbian Gryphons---"

Dash's final shriek of unbelieving horror set dogs howling on the far side of town.

Rarity, being Rarity, swooned. "Oh, the tragedy of it all!" she lamented in full blown drama queen mode. Her fainting couch appeared from nowhere; befitting her current "empaupered" state it was chipped, raggedy and covered in patches. She flung herself across it, heedless of the broken springs. "Poor Rainbow Dash, cut down in her prime! Poor Fluttershy, to lose her secret love---"

"THERE IS NO SECRET LOVE!" Rainbow Dash shrieked in outrage and dismay.

"No, not any more!" Rarity said without missing a beat. "-- and to lose the foal of their passionate  (ouch, these wretched springs) affair...."

"Oh that is enough of this!" Twilight snapped. she snatched the doctor's clipboard from him. "Give me that!" Muttering angrily to herself she began flipping through the sheets. Her growling diminished as she read. She read on silently for several minutes while Rarity, the doctor, and an incredibly traumatized Rainbow Dash watched her. When she finished she flipped back to the first page and looked up. "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Would you care to explain this bit for the rest of us?" She levitated the clipboard so all of them could see. Right on top was an X-ray of what was clearly a potted plant, along with a single sheet of paper with the words

BINGO

BANGO

BONGO

BOINGO

Printed on it.

Everyone fell silent. There was a shift, almost a ripple in the air. The doctor's eyes glazed. "Well... that is to say, um..."

"It says nothing!" Twilight yelled, her veneer of patience vanishing like morning mist under the desert sun. "It's gibberish, it's all gobbledigook like this for pages and pages! The blood tests look like you mixed tomato juice and yoo-hoo in a test tube and then made a wish! The charts mean nothing, they're just random scribbles--- I think some of them were done in crayon! What in Equestria are you trying to pull??"

The hapless doctor looked as if he'd been poleaxed. His pupils were dilated to pinpricks and he seemed to have trouble breathing. "You... you don't understand... it's important to learn to cope, because, uh... tragedy... makes you all deep and stuff...." he babbled.

Twilight had heard enough. She belted the doctor upside the head with his own clipboard; he hit the squeaky-clean tile floors like a sack of dirt, out like a light. "You quack!" she yelled down at the unconscious doctor. She rounded on the nurse who came galloping in at the noise. "I'm filing a medical malpractice report with the Princesses on this jackass, this hospital and everyone who works in it! And you'd better keep this clown in particular away from any patients, because if I find out he's treated anyone else between now and then I'm coming back with the royal guard! Come on, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, we are out of this Quack farm!"

"Does this mean I'm not gonna die...?" the distraught pegasus quavered, eyes glimmering with a tiny spark of hope.

Twilight rolled her eyes in spite of herself. "No-- at least as long as you stay away from this lunatic. And no, you're not crippled, infested with gryphon diseases or carrying Fluttershy's love child either. Come on." The purple pony turned on her heel and marched out. Rarity and Rainbow Dash, still clutching her hospital pillow like a comfort doll, followed. Stepping over the doctor, who had regained consciousness and was now leafing through his clipboard, clutching his head and muttering in bafflement.