When It's Gone

by TheMessenger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Sad, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4721

A simple trip to the doctor's changes Anthea's entire life and the way she sees the world. Sometimes, it takes losing what little you have to recognize the treasure that remains. A kilala97 story.

Anthea was never truly alone. She always had her lights, her colors and her wonderful, wonderful blurs. As long as she had her blurs, she could forget about the darkness. As long as there was light, she could sleep soundly and without fear. As long as she could open her eyes and banish the darkness, she was fine. She had her light, she had her blurs.

Then, one morning, she didn't.

Written for the kilala97 Fun Fact contest, inspired by Anthea Fact:Her worst fears are the dark and flying.
Cover art by kilala97

Published 2015-02-18 18:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-18 18:10:01 UTC

Severed Completely

The cushion was hard.

Colorful posters and diagrams of pony anatomy plastered the walls around her. A rack full of magazines of varying subjects, from the most recent and lewdest Canterlot gossip rags to out-of-date medical journals, stood below her, begging to be read. In the center of the room hung the strangest of machines, a cold black mask with as many eyes as a spider and half as many dials held to the ceiling by a long mechanic arm.

The mask stared blankly at the opposite wall, on which was a large white sheet covered with bold black letters and symbols, slowly shrinking in size as they descended down the sheet until they were utterly unreadable. Not that Anthea could read them in the first place, or learn of all the different parts of an eye from the posters or skim through and laugh at the ridiculous claim that Prince Illusion was in an incestuous affair with Princess Luna. Instead, she focused on how uncomfortable the raised platform she sat on was. The rubbery material that wasn't covered by waxy paper clung rudely to her bottom, the plastic texture sent a chill past her fur and through her skin, made worse by the cooling air poured through metal grates into the room, and though her hooves just barely dangled over the pristine white floor, Anthea could simply not shake the creeping sense of vertigo.

"Annie."

Worst of all, the cushion was hard, much too hard for a sensitive mare such as herself, especially for a, well, if she had to be honest, a mare her age. Anthea frowned at the unwanted thought, and the unicorn quickly rebuked her traitorous subconscious. She wasn't that old, Anthea reminded herself, relatively young in fact. In comparison.

"Annie."

But even if she was, heaven forbid, approaching those autumn years, did it really matter? It didn't change the fact that she still had two wonderful children and an amazing husband who told her how beautiful he thought she looked every evening, did it? Anthea shook her head, silently answering her own question, and suddenly she began to smile. After all, how many mares her age could look into a mirror in the morning and feel satisfied?

Not that there was much to see.

"Annie!" the young pegasus standing beside Anthea cried out. "You're crushing my hoof!"

"Oops." Anthea relaxed her grip around the pegasus's leg ever so slightly, failing to notice the younger mare's pained expression. "Sorry, is that better?"

The pegasus sighed. "Well, I can feel blood flowing through my leg again, so that's nice," she muttered.

Anthea reluctantly bit back a giggle. "Sorry," she said, "I guess I'm a little nervous."

"Yeah, I noticed," the pegasus said. "You've been quiet the entire time, that's not like you. Normally you'd be chatting so loudly I'd have to tell you to shut up."

Anthea gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"Well, no, of course I'd try to say it more politely."

The two mares shared a laugh. "Sorry about this," Anthea said as the chuckling died down. "About making you take me here. You're probably really busy."

"Of course I am, but I'm just that wonderful, aren't I?" the pegasus said, smirking. The confident grin was quickly replaced with a thoughtful frown as she asked, "But of all ponies, why me? Wouldn't you have rather had T, or Oasis, or Apollo?"

"I--" Anthea bit her lip and hesitated. "I didn't want anypony to worry. T was panicking when I woke him with my screaming, and after I told him it was nothing and finally got him to calm down, I didn't want to get him panicked all over again. He worries enough as it is, with Oasis dating again and everything. Besides," she added, "he and Oasis had some father-daughter bonding time planned for today, and I didn't want to spoil it."

"Were you always so self-sacrificing?" the pegasus asked, shaking her head. "What about Apollo, or is he still visiting his grandfather?"

"He's still with Spike, yes," Anthea affirmed. "I wonder how he's doing, I haven't seen him in a while, since the--"

The door creaked open, and Anthea nearly jumped. The pegasus winced as her companion tightened her hold around her hoof. "Sorry, did I startle you?" asked the newcomer, a brown unicorn stallion in a white lab coat. He held a clipboard laden with sheets and sheets of paper. Closing the door behind him, he made his way to a small podium, on which he laid the papers, making a huge show of shuffling through and organizing them.

The pegasus stared, unimpressed. "So what's the diagnosis, doctor?" she demanded.

The doctor cleared his throat awkwardly. He turned to the mare who had spoken, taking in her jet gray coat and feathers and her dark blue mane tinted with lighter streaks before turning to the light pink unicorn with a light green mane. "You, uh, family?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Friend," the pegasus answered. "Why?"

"Ah, yes, well, I'm afraid this is some rather sensitive information, medical records and all, and--"

"I want her to stay," Anthea interrupted, pulling the pegasus closer. "Please."

The doctor frowned but simply asked, "Are you certain? This might be something you want your family to know first."

"Nid--Jet Stream's been a close friend for years. She's practically family." Anthea nodded. "Please, I want her to stay."

"Anthea, I can--" the pegasus began.

"Please Nidra," Anthea whispered, reaching out with her other foreleg. She missed and would have tumbled off her seat had the pegasus hadn't rushed forward and caught her.

Nidra sighed. "Alright," she whispered back before turning to the doctor. "Alright," she said more loudly, "what's the bad news, and what took so long?"

"Identifying the cause took a little time," the doctor explained. "It's not physical, well, not entirely." He turned to Anthea. "You're suffering from a case of magic overexertion."

"Magic overexertion?" Anthea repeated slowly. "I just, overused my magic?"

"It's not exactly uncommon for unicorns around your age," said the doctor as he shifted through his notes. "Many unicorns do find it harder to perform magic as they grow older and get out of practice and are in greater risk of burning out. In some instances, such as in your case, it can temporary sever a unicorn's magical connection. Think of pulling a leg muscle while trying to run."

"Hold on," Nidra interjected, "that might explain why she's been having problems with her magic, but it doesn't tell us why Annie completely lost her sight."

"My magic, Princess Twilight Sparkle always theorized that's what kept me from going completely blind," Anthea said, tapping on the hard cushion thoughtfully. "And when I was younger, my sight got worse when I overworked myself. Of course!" she exclaimed, flinging her hoof at her forehead just a little too hard. "Ow," she muttered. "I mean, of course, it all makes sense! So my sight'll return when my magic does, right?"

The doctor lowered his eyes, looking away from Anthea's excited and expectant face, finding sudden interest instead in the various papers on his clipboard.

"Right?"

"There's more, I'm afraid," the doctor said, sighing. "The last spell you performed, or perhaps the last succession of spells, whatever led to your overuse of magic resulted in some severe physical damage to your retina." He removed a blue and white sheet of film and passed it to the pegasus holding Anthea's hoof, gesturing at a white line cutting through the inner border of a lumpy circle. It took Nidra a few seconds to recognize the image as a scan of Anthea's eyeball, and suddenly the thin white scar seemed so much larger.

"The connection to the optic nerve has been completely severed," the doctor explained solemnly, turning back to his patient. "The blindness is permanent." He quickly ducked back behind his clipboard to avoid Anthea's dull eyes as they turned to him, wide with surprise and confusion.

"P-permanent?" Anthea said, her voice shaky. "What do you mean, permanent? A-are you sure?"

"The test results are conclusive. We took extra scans just to make sure," said the doctor solemnly. "Thankfully, no damage to the nervous system was detected, and your magic should return to full strength within a month, provided you get plenty of rest. If you need help getting back home or need help adjusting, I'm certain we can arrange a nurse to--"

"Wait, hold on," Nidra interrupted, "we're not--isn't there some sort of operation or--"

"Or a spell!" Anthea cried out, leaning forward. "There has to be a spell out there that can fix this! Something, anything, pleaseI I can't--it's--somepony--"

The pegasus hesitated for barely a second before flinging a wing over Anthea and pulled her closer, until the unicorn was hidden beneath a blanket of feathers and gray fur. Nidra ignored the tears soaking into her coat as she held onto the quivering unicorn. Slowly, Anthea's shivering lessened, and she found the strength to throw her forelegs around Nidra's midsection. The pegasus grunted in discomfort but made no protest. Instead, she turned to the doctor nervously tapping his hooves together.

"There's got to be some sort of treatment," Nidra declared, her confidence undermined by the desperate tone she struggled to contain. "Surgery, a spell, something."

Her heart sunk like a stone as the doctor slowly shook his head. "If such a spell existed, it'd be a miracle. There is a possible operation, but it's costly, experimental, and too risky for a mare her age. That, and considering her preexisting condition, well..." The doctor shook his head again. "No, it's too dangerous for me to recommend. I'm, I'm sorry but--"

A knock at the door drew everypony's attention. A ragged nurse clad in a red stained apron stuck her head into the room and said, "Doctor, you're needed, now."

"Yes, I'll be right over," he assured, gesturing the nurse to leave. When the door shut, he turned back to Anthea. "There's nothing more I can do," he said, taking a deep calming breath. "I'll refer you to a specialist who can teach you sensory charms, and I'll have the receptionist call somepony to take you home."

"No need," Nidra said, gently prodding Anthea forward. "Come on, Annie, let's get you home."

Wordlessly, Anthea nodded, wiping her eyes as Nidra guided her through the clinic's hall, around doctors, nurses, and patients. She sat silently, barely comprehending the words the mare at the reception desk said as she stuffed pamphlets and business cards into her saddlebag. Each step she took shook until her hoof was safely secure on the floor. She kept her head low, her eyes focused on the ground she hoped was there, until she stumbled against something soft.

"Hold on, stairs," Nidra said, wrapping a wing around the unicorn and starting forward. "Just, I don't know, take it slow, alright?"

Anthea lifted a hoof and pawed weakly in the air, searching for the first foothold. The hoof clipped the edge, then slipped forward, taking the rest of the unicorn with it. With a cry, Anthea pitched forward, forcing past Nidra and crashing at the bottom of the short stairway.

"Aw--" Nidra bit back a curse and rushed to Anthea's side. "Hey, you alright?" she asked as she helped her back onto her feet.

"Y-yeah," Anthea responded, trying to steady her quaking legs. "Guess going down them's harder than going up."

Nidra didn't join Anthea's nervous laughter. "You need to be more careful," she said with a stern frown. "Come on, hopefully it'll get easier once we're outside."

"Outside," Anthea mumbled bitterly, rubbing her bruised shoulder. She took a step forward, only for Nidra's wing to prod her toward the other direction, blanketing her back as the pegasus led Anthea to the exit. Again, Nidra firmly pushed Anthea with her wing, this time to motion her to halt. She moved toward the door, but only managed to take a few steps before something pulled her back. Nidra turned and found Anthea clutching to the pegasus's hind leg.

"I need to open the door," Nidra said, trying her best to wiggle her leg out of the unicorn's grasp. "I can't help like this."

"S-sorry," Anthea apologized, but her release was gradual, almost painfully slow, until Nidra had just enough room to pull her leg away. She counted the clicks Nidra's hooves made against the floor, waiting for the creak of an opening door. Her heart began to race as the number of steps approached ten, and still there was no creak. "N-Nidra?"

"It's Jet Stream, remember?" came Nidra's reply, followed shortly by the squeak from the door opening. "Come on, just start walking forward, this way. Yeah, like that, just follow my voice, or something."

Anthea flinched as the rays of the sun tickled her cheeks and her nuzzle. She lifted her head, soaking in the warmth. The heat was poor comfort, and Anthea shivered; to feel the sun but not see its familiar light was frightening, almost as disturbing as hearing all the noises of a busy town street without being able to discern where or what they came from.

Nidra motioned the unicorn forward, around a restless pack of fillies and colts harassing the stallion at the ice cream cart. "Somepony's got to ask the stupid question, and since I'm here, how'll you holding up?" she asked. "Anthea?" she said when all she received was silence.

"I-I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I mean..." Nidra placed a hoof over her face. "I mean, of course you're not doing alright alright, it's a nightmare. I just wanted to make sure you--" The pegasus groaned. "I'm horrible at this."

"I'm fine," Anthea said quietly, as if mimicking her adoptive mother.

"Don't give me that, you're not fine," Nidra nearly growled. "I saw how you reacted back there. How could anypony be fine after hearing all that?"

"It's not so bad," Anthea argued, "I was just surprised. I'll get used to this. I've been practically blind my entire life."

"Practically, but not completely."

Anthea frowned but made no response, and after a quick glance at her old friend, Nidra reluctantly decided to drop the issue, at least for the time being. With little else to say, the two mares kept silent all the way to Anthea's home. At the pegasus's insistence, Nidra helped Anthea inside, guiding her all the way to the kitchen table.

"Alright Annie, I think we--" Nidra winced as she felt her wings freeze up, a warm glow consume her body, and a tickle at the spot above her eyes. When she opened her eyes, the feather of her wings vanished, replaced by a thin leathery membrane, and a long spiraling horn, like Anthea's, sprung out of her forehead.

"What is it? Anthea asked. "Is somepony else here?"

"The charm I had Illusion perform on me wore off," Nidra said with a scowl, checking her reflection with a glass. "He told me this was suppose to last the whole day, I thought he agreed a little too easily."

"You should better get going then," said Anthea, resting her cheek against the tablecloth. "The press'll have a field day if somepony catches you here."

"Yeah, probably. Can't even help a friend without being scrutinized." Nidra sighed. "I don't like leaving you here alone and all by yourself though, maybe I should stay until T and Oasis arrive."

"I think you're worrying too much," Anthea dismissed, waving a hoof. "This is my home, I'll be fine. T and Oasis will be here soon, so I won't be alone for long." She lifted her head and smiled. "Besides, I've already taken so much of your time today, you're probably behind in your work."

"I guess. You sure you'll be alright by yourself?"

"Of course," Anthea assured with a nod. "Now go, before we start hearing cameras clicking."

Despite herself, Nidra had to at least chuckle at Anthea's joke. "Alright, but don't you dare hesitate to call me if you need help, okay? See you--I mean--" Nidra winced.

"See you later, Your Highness," Anthea said, smirking.

"Don't call me--" the princess groaned. "Yeah, say hi to T and Oasis for me when they get back, and let me know when Apollo gets back. I'll try to visit tomorrow, bye."

"Bye," Anthea said with a little wave. "Bye," she repeated, this time more quietly as the princess's hoofsteps faded away. "Bye," she whispered as she heard the door close behind Nidra. Her ears flattened against her head, and she let her sweet smile melt away as she sighed deeply, lowering her head back against the table.

A sharp constant ticking resonated through the kitchen, and Anthea blinked several times before recognizing the noise as the old kitchen clock counting away the seconds. The familiar sound put her at ease at first, and she began to count the ticks the second hand made as it moved. Eventually, however, she lost count, and soon the constant clicks became infuriating. Her lips twisted into a snarl, and she reached out to silence the clock with her magic.

Suddenly Anthea could see red amidst the black, and she grabbed at her forehead as shearing, stabbing pain dug deep into her skull, like a nail driven by a hammer. She cried out even as the pain began to recede. Taking a deep breath, Anthea tried to relax, an old lesson from Princess Twilight Sparkle, one she had rarely needed to practice. The calming technique helped, and the room slowly stopped spinning; she could focus again, just in time to hear the front door open.

"Who's there?" Anthea tried to call out, but her tongue clung to the top of her dry mouth in fear. "T?" Silence answered her, and the unicorn's heart began to race. Her hooves fumbled along the table, searching for something to defend herself with. Something clattered noisily against the floor, the salt shaker perhaps, and Anthea froze, hearing hoofsteps approach her. She leaned forward and lowered her head toward what she hoped was the kitchen entrance, prepared to tackle any potential intruder that wandered in.

"Sweet Celestia!" Anthea heard a male voice exclaim. "Geez, Mom, you nearly gave me a heart attack. What're you doing here in the dark?"

"A-Apollo?"

"Yeah, it's me." There was a short click, and light illuminated the kitchen, revealing a young stallion standing at the threshold. If it weren't for the claws protruding from the ends of his feet and the black slits of his eyes serving as pupils, he could have easily been mistaken as a simple unicorn. "You okay, Mom?" Apollo asked as he approached.

Anthea swallowed, forcing her exploding heart back down her throat and into her chest. "Of course," she said, trying her hardest to smile. "You're home early, how was your trip?"

"Ugh," Apollo groaned. Anthea flinched as refrigerator door creaked open, and her son stuck his head inside. "Grandpa Spike's still living in the past, I couldn't get him to speak three words unless it was about the grandmas or Princess Twilight Sparkle or one of their friends," he grumbled, pulling out a canned soft drink. Deftly, Apollo wedged his claws around of the lid and popped the top clean off. "You sure you're alright?" he asked, taking a sip of the fizzy drink.

"Of course I am," Anthea said, hesitantly. "Yes, I'm fine, why?"

"I don't know." Apollo stuck out his foreleg and waved it in front of Anthea's face. "You're acting sort of, I don't know, out of it."

"I, I guess I'm just a little tired today," she lied with a halfhearted giggle. "Just, you know, it's been a pretty busy day."

"If you say so," Apollo conceded, shrugging as he tossed the empty can into the trash bin in the corner. "So hey, I promised my editor I'd drop with my notes by the minute I got back. She's a real stickler about this sort of thing, and she's got eyes everywhere so I really need to get going."

"Going? But you just got here!" Anthea protested, panic seeping into her voice. "A-and I haven't seen--"

"I know, I know, but my manuscript is due by the end of the month, and I really owe my editor. I'll probably won't be back for dinner so you guys start without me."

"Apollo, wait!" Anthea cried. "Apollo?" She was too late, and her son too fast; the kitchen was now just as empty as it was before he had entered. "Don't go," she whispered. "Please, don't go." Anthea's breathing started to speed up. The darkness around her suddenly felt heavier, crushing her under its weight. Hadn't Apollo turned on the light? Was it still on, or did he turn it off before leaving?

She began to whimper, pulling her legs closer to her body. She forced herself to control her breathing, to calm herself, to think of something, anything, besides the oppressive darkness and the suffocating isolation. In her mind she wailed out names, each a match's pathetic flame that calmed her until it flickered out: Hot Head, Lucky, Amber, Dove, Prism, Del, Cotton Candy, Claire, Starburst, Illusion, Princess Twilight, oh dear Fluttershy, Oasis, Apollo, Nidra--

The front door to the house opened. "Turquoise!" Anthea screamed, throwing herself out of her chair. She fell against the wall, toppling the clock and framed photographs. Wood splintered and glass shattered around her, but she was too dazed to notice even the thundering hoofsteps that hurried toward her.

"Annie, what happened here?" cried the warm voice of a familiar stallion over her.

"Turquoise!" Anthea cried, burying her face in the stallion's chest. Taken back, the dragon-pony hybrid leaned back in shock before slowly, awkwardly, he wrapped her fore limbs around the sobbing mare, resting his claws over her shoulders carefully.

"A-A-Annie, what's wrong?" Turquoise sputtered. "Where does it hurt? Did you hit your head? Oasis, call an ambulance, now!"

"No!" Anthea screamed, digging her hooves into Turquoise's back. "I'm staying here with you! Don't let them take me!"

"Annie, I--"

Anthea lifted her head, praying that her sightless eyes would somehow find her husband's draconic ones. "Please," she whispered.

"A-alright," Turquoise said, his voice betraying uncertainty and reluctance. He tried to pull back in order to check for bruises and cuts. "You're not hurt, are you?"

She shook her head furiously. "No," she insisted just as a young mare entered the kitchen with a large first-aid kit. "I-it's nothing, just..." Anthea bit her lip and lowered her gaze.

"Mother looks tired," the mare observed, brushing back her styled mane. "She must have had a rough day. Why don't the two of you head off to bed," she suggested with a smile. "Don't worry, Father, I'll clean up here."

"Yeah, that might be a good idea," Turquoise agreed. Gently, he helped Anthea up, half-carrying her out of the kitchen, through the house, all the way up the stairs and into their shared bedroom. Anthea plopped herself on the bed, sighing at the soft touch of the bed. She grabbed for a pillow, flailing aimless at the air until Turquoise guided one into her grasp.

"Thank you," she said as he covered her with the comforter.

"Of course," Turquoise said, leaning over and planted a soft kiss in her forehead before reaching over to the nightstand and flicking on the lamp. He turned to go, but Anthea's hoof stopped him.

"Don't go."

"I'm just going to help Oasis clean up," assured Turquoise. "Don't worry, I'll be right back."

"No," Anthea said firmly, wrapping herself around his leg and pulling him toward the bed. "Stay and hold me."

"I--"

"Please?" Anthea added a little more gently. When Turquoise didn't respond, panic began to surge and grow within her before she could contain it. The worry swiftly faded as the bed creaked and the mattress sunk beside her. Strong limbs snaked around her middle and pull her against a large and powerful chest.

"Better?" Turquoise whispered into her ear. And it was, and Anthea wanted to say so, but something held her back.

"Remember what happened this morning?" she said instead.

"Yeah, I almost died of fright when I heard you scream." She felt Turquoise shiver against her. "Why, what happened?"

"I went to the doctor's today with Nidra, and they said, th-they said..." Anthea sniffed. "I overexerted my magic. They said I'm blind."

"Blind? But aren't already, you know, blind?"

"It's worse now," Anthea murmured, barely loud enough for her husband to hear. "I can't see anything now."

"Anything?" Turquoise repeated. He tried to get up, but Anthea held on tightly and dragged him back down. "You mean can't see, well, anything?"

"I couldn't see the sunlight this morning. I can't see the lamp light now. Everything is dark, dark, dark, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's so cold and lonely and I hate it!" Anthea cried, tears running anew. "I hate it, I hate it! I miss my blurs, I want my blurs back! I want to see light. And color, I want to see color again, colors besides black. I want my blues, my reds, my yellows, my purples, my pinks." She clung closer to Turquoise. "My greens, I want my favorite green blur back. I don't want to be alone in the dark anymore."

Suddenly Turquoise's embrace tightened, crushing her against his body. Anthea gasped for air and pounded at her husband's back. He understood, and quickly, he loosened his hold. "S-sorry," he apologized, growing red. "It's just, I'm still here, and I just wanted to make sure you knew that." His claws found their way around her hoof. "Your favorite blur's still here, even if you can't see him. Maybe, maybe I can also be your favorite touch o-or your favorite sound. I mean, it's probably not a fair replacement or anything but--"

Turquoise took a deep breath. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you. We're all here for you, me and our children and all our friends. Maybe you can't see us," he said, tucking a claw under Anthea's chin and gently lifting her head, "but we're there."

Anthea's eyes flew wide as she felt Turquoise's lips press against hers. "You're not alone, even in the dark," he whispered when he pulled back. "I-I mean, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset about all this, because it's horrible, and you should be upset, I think, but--"

Anthea giggled at Turquoise's sudden panic. She dried her eyes and her cheeks against the hybrid's chest, then looked up and leaned forward, kissing the first part her lips found. "Did I get your lips this time?" she asked with a smile.

"Y-yeah."

"Really?" Anthea asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You got my nose."

"Thought so," she said with a sigh. She lifted her head once more, and puckered her lips. Wordlessly, Turquoise bent over and met them with his own. My favorite touch she thought. Slowly, reluctantly, she broke the kiss. "Hey, T?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you hold onto me all night long?" Anthea asked. "Just to remind me you're there?"

As if in answer, Turquoise wrapped his limbs around her and pulled her close. "Of course."

"Even after I fall asleep?"

"Even into the morning," Turquoise said, kissing the top of Anthea's nose. "I love you," he whispered.

Anthea sighed as she snuggled in between her husband's forelegs. My favorite sound she thought as she slowly shut her eyes.

The darkness, undisturbed by the lamp's glow, was still heavy, but as she listened to Turquoise's soft snores and felt his chest rise and fall against her, she breathed easily as well. Though its source couldn't be seen, the warmth next to her filled her with comfort, Turquoise's heated breaths against her neck more calming than the sun rays ever had been.

Her eyes told her that she was alone, that in this lightless world she had nopony, but Anthea knew better. She trusted her ears, her sense of touch. Most of all, she trusted Turquoise Blitz.

His body was hard, the muscles toned and firm even after all these years. Anthea didn't mind.

Author's Note

Fun Fact: [Anthea's] worst fears are the dark and flying.