Nicolas Cage in Equestria

by Reechie Mon

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1449

Nicolas Cage is an Equestrian superweapon/legend called the caged cage, caged in the palace until he convinces the Princesses he can become sane.

The Caged Cage. It is a legend told for years of Nicolas Cage, a pony who will defy all odds in any situation, his madness his only fuel. Yet, it is also his downfall, for he can only exit the Royal Palace in a national emergency until he can prove he can control himself to his friends that are Princesses. Having tricked the two to believe so, Cage is uncaged [pun intended] and decides to move to Ponyville, and live a "normal" life, and become the best of friends with the mane 6. So save you appetite, cause tonight we're having……..*puts shades on" Cagin;. *YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-18 03:36:49 UTC

Chapter 1: Caged no More

  Nic sighed, looking around the quaint study he was waiting in, readying himself for the royal arrival to enter and discuss the meeting with them. Nic grumbled, his patience lingering by a mere thread.

     "Just waiting.....waiting......ok, this is fucking ridiculous, they can fucking teleport here if they wanted to!" He spoke angrily to no one in particular. Cage sat down on a comfy little couch, one that was decorated with white flower shapes sewn into it.

    The whole room looked like it was for a tea party, and it was, but that made him feel even more out of place. The walls had pink flowers painted on them over the dated yellow wall paper, and the coffe table was made of glass at the center, supported by wooden legs. The fireplace looked ancient, as if it hadn't been used in years, amd smelled of charred wood if you got close enough. The Cage felt so out of place. The mirror on the wall was a nice touch though, inside it the only familiar thing he liked in there, him.

     "You know, I'm pretty nice looking..." he said musing to himself.

    Nicolas Cage was a balding pale-tan Earth Pony with glassy blue eyes, and had a face that was rumpled as if he were groggy. Actually, his who face looked groggy, like he was struggling to stay awake. In actuality though, this would be all but true if Nic were more animated at the moment.

     Cage wheazed a chuckle/scoff out with his whole face shutting, like it does when he laughs or scoffs. He then snapped quickly back to looking at his mirror, almost like a lion latches on to a zebra. Cage's face was now fucking horrifying, eyes bulging, head tilted, and a freaky grin that was scarier than Freddy Krueger and Generation 3. Cage breathed out a breathy, but still pronounced voice, and yelled loudly to his reflection in the mirror, "You look SWELL!" he then turned his position and replied to his own compliment way too energetically. "AW, that's nice!" He started to cackle for a minute.

     Nicolas then stopped his howling, and after a few moments, the two Regal Sisters had teleported in. Cage didn't bow though, he just looked at them with mild aggravation. The sisters didn't care to focus on that.

     "Greetings Mr. Cage, we are sorry for our delay, but..." Celestia formally spoke. Nic just spat it out. "What was it this time?" the Cage droned. The Princesses darted their eyes to  each other, then back to Nic.

  "T'was nothing of your need or concern, friend Nicolas. Why is it you desired a meeting wih the two of us with thou?" Luna said with an odd mixture of old and neo Equestrian. The Cage was persistent in believing that the two had done something they would rather not bring notice too. His mood suddenly shifted from his blank face to the nightmarish smile he wore earlier. "You think that's gonna fool me? Huh!?" he started to chuckle/wheaze again. The Princesses looked down in shame. "I know...,what you pudgy tiny pigs did, ha!" Cage's eyes were bulging now, but out of concentration on his emotion. He leaned close to Celestia's face with his horrific face he was making.

     Nic wiped the tip of his hoof against the side of her mouth, and looked at the glaze on it. "Princesses....." his weird wheezy laugh was straining him so hard that an occasional "HAH" would come out. "You ate the donuts for the upcoming charity....didn't you?," his angry face was grnning like mad. Probably because he was too, but he liked being crazy.

     "Nic, you don't understand, it's not like tha-" Nic shushed Celestia freakily. Nic then was shifting his composure to that of a parent catching kids in the act of causing trouble. The two princess had their heads hung low, their celestial manes draped over their face as if they were curtains covering some sort of wrong against nature.

     "I wonder what will happen if people were made aware of this?" Cage smugly said, knowing his own answer to his own question. Luna snapped. "Thou foulest wench! Thy fool surely jests if he threatens the two supreme powers!" The moon princess suddenly blushed, and meekly tucked away her head in embarassment, and release a nervous laugh. "Heh heh.....sorry," She apologized uneasily. Celestia and Cage just looked at her.

     "Yeesh!" Celestia cried out. "I mean, damn, Luna. That's a bit of an over reaction, huh?" Cage said, at which the regal sisters looked at Nic, both with one brow up in utter amazement.

     "Yeaaaaah......because you don't over act to anything, do you?" The sun goddess  droned dryly. Cage just realized the irony he just said. "Oh.....yeah, forgot" he mumbled.

     The three stood in silent now. "So, uh, you can live in a town now," Princess Celestia quipped. Cage had a spark of glee light up.

     "Really!?" he asked loudly. "I can leave your shit castle?!" Luna nodded as a sign of confirment. "Yes, you now have access to the outside of the castle without being due to any threats to Equestria as a last resort." The Cage was smiling now, and Celestia continued for her blue sister. "Your living expenses will be paid for by the government due to your occupation as our last resort, and you still will have unlimited access to the Royal Palace walls." Cage was visibly shaking enjoy joy. He laughed in glee and ran out the room.

    "BUT," Cage stopped right in the middle of his tracks. He drooped and turned to the Princesses again. "Now that you have enough self control of yourself, you must do an assignment of what it's like to control your behaviour, and how it can benefact or betray you each week via mail," Celestia sppoke with a stern mortherly tone to it. Cage looked at her, and said, "It's a deal, I'll send you letters and-"

    "Excuse me?" a large, white guards peeped his head in. Cage quickly turned his head to the guard, and made his devious Cage smile, eyes bulging out again. The guard felt imeddiately very pressured. "U-uh, the Princesses are, well...."The guard stuttered more and more as beads pf sweat formed as Nic menacingly stepped to him. The guard gulped. "What...the FUCK do you think you're doing?" cage said, yelling when he said 'fuck' in his sentence. The guard cowered and trembled. Nic and the guards faves were now only a centimeter apart from Nic walk to face him. "WELL!? ANSWER ME!!!!!" he yelled unexpectedly, and made the huge guard start to sob, and scream. "Oh don't worry....!" the Cage said mocking a reassuring voice, "I'll just get it out of you, HAHAHAHAHA," he was laughing like a maniac, and had a giant chainsaw in his hooves, revving it up, the princesses trying to stop the oncoming slaughter. Cage brought his chainsaw nearer and neared to his victim. Then a rapid movement and all time seemed to slow down. Celestia caught the chainsaw with her unicorn magic, and Luna tackled Nic to the ground. "You're relieved of your duties today..." the guard ran away. Nic looked up and gave a nervous grin. "Uh, I have complete control?" he was immediately cuffed by more specialized guards who had entered due to the noise.

                                                  ...

        Two years later, and Cage is finally having another meeting inside the room they were in two years ago, the same reason, his freedom.

        Celestia and Luna looked catiously at him. "You're sure that now you are ready for society?" Luna asked. Nic cleared his throat. "Yes, so you CAN SUCK MY HAIRY BALLS YOU PIECE OF--"

                                                 ...

        Two MORE years had now passed. The same situation was happning again, and the three were together in the room again. Nick was the first to speak. "I RAPE YOUR ROYAL ASSES AND BEAT THE LIVING--"

                                                ...

       Two more fucking years. Nic sat down properly and seemeed really pleasant this time around. The princesses finally granted his freedom from the castle, and he headed out with a private balloon to escort him to his town of choice, Ponyville. As he hopped on and floated away, he started to chuckle. And wheaze. And his eyes bulged. He laughed harder then when he nearly murdered the guard with the chainsaw, and even more merrier.

       "SO LONG YOU BITCHES!" he screamed, and grabbed turbo boosters seemingly out of nowhere, kind of like a certain pink pony would with a certain canon. Nicolas Cage was heading to Ponyville. Oh god.

End of Chapter One.