It's Gonna be a Mathacre!

by Zodiacspear

Rating: everyone
Tags: Equestria Girls, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, Other
Length: 2583

One man on a mission, an army of numbers at his back, and six students to stand against him. They should have studied when they had the chance.

Summer break: the one thing that all students look forward to every year. But before that glorious freedom, comes the dreaded semester finals. The students of Canterlot High are certainly no slackers, but it's not enough for one man's liking. With the mighty powers of arithmagics at his beck and call, he is going to ensure these layabout students study - whether they like it or not! FOREVER!

A crossover between Equestria Girls and Dexter's Laboratory. A huge thanks to my friend and editor, Lab for his work once again. Also huge thanks to my pre-readers Foals Errand and ZOMG, as well as the folks in the YMLT chat for helping shape this story to what it is. Cover art by Lambent Dream. You rock, man!

Published 2015-02-18 17:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-18 17:50:02 UTC

Can't Count on Anyone

It was a normal day at Canterlot High. Students milled around outside during their lunch break, enjoying the nice weather and talking and laughing with friends. Semester finals were only a few short weeks away, and many students either anticipated or dreaded their arrival. Books were read, notes were traded, and many a pencil and eraser met their end.

Discussion around the statue was on a different topic, however.

“So… what are you guys going to do over summer break?” Sunset asked, lowering her algebra book onto her lap.

Rainbow bounced a soccer ball off her knees before catching it. “Like I do every summer, chill and have some fun at the beach. There’s going to be a beach-volleyball tourney this summer, and I’m gonna win it!” She tossed the ball up and kicked it at the statue, the ball narrowly missing Sunset’s head as it rebounded back to Rainbow.

Applejack glowered at her. “Shouldn’t you be studying for yer test, Rainbow? You haven’t done much studying.”

Rainbow scoffed as she caught the ball and spun it on the tip of her finger. “Who needs to study? I got this final in the bag.”

“Says the girl who had to take summer classes last year,” Applejack muttered.

Rainbow looked away so they couldn’t see the flush rising on her cheeks. “That was a fluke and you know it.”

Applejack groaned, but Rarity spoke up. “Really, Rainbow Dash, a little bit of study time wouldn’t hurt. Surely you don’t want to attend summer classes again.” She adjusted her sunglasses to peer over them at her friend. “You wouldn’t want to miss out on the tourney now would you?”

Rainbow huffed and plopped down next to her book bag. “Fine…” She dug around in her backpack before finding her textbook and opening the cover.

Sunset looked over at Fluttershy as the girl sat quietly in the grass. “What about you, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy looked up. “Oh… I was going to go on a hiking trip this summer.” She brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. “I’m really looking forward to it. A whole week of seeing animals in their natural habitat. I’m so excited.”

“I bet you can’t guess what I’m gonna do,” Pinkie said from her perch on the statue.

Sunset smirked. “Pinkie, we stopped guessing what you’re going to do next a long time ago.” The other girls all snickered.

“Oh, don’t be a party pooper, Sunset. Come on, guess!” Pinkie’s face bore an impossibly wide smile.

“You’re going to bake—“ Sunset was interrupted by terrified screaming and mad cackling coming from the side of the high school.

Sunset was quickly on her feet. “What was that?”

“What’s going on?” Rainbow asked a fleeing student.

The student paused to catch his breath. “There’s some mad magician over there capturing everyone with living numbers!”

The girls looked at him as if he were crazy.

“What in tarnation are you going on about? Are you talking about Trixie?” Applejack asked as more students fled past them.

“It’s not Trixie! It’s—“ the student whirled as the mad cackling grew louder, and his eyes widened in fear. “It’s him!” He pointed with a shaking finger.

The girls turned to see a wizened old man wearing dark blue robes and a pointed hat that were both adorned by numerous numbers, cackling madly as he walked through the schoolyard. His tangled white beard framed a mouth with a few missing teeth.

What really made him stand out, however, were the giant living numbers that attacked and grabbed all the students they could get a hold of. An eight held Roseluck down while a six and a three pursued the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Each student that was caught by the marauding numerals was hauled back inside the school building.

The wizard laughed again as his army of living numbers trapped more students. “I, the evil Math Magician, shall capture the students of Canterlot High School and force them to do homework forever!” He laughed again, lighting flashing behind him.

The girls all looked at the madman with growing horror.

“A-A mathmagician?” Fluttershy gulped.

Rarity stuck her tongue out in disgust. “Hasn’t he ever head of fingernail clippers? And those robes, ick.”

Sunset facepalmed. “I don’t even… What?”

Pinkie tapped her chin. “It’s more odd than even, if you ask me.”

The magician turned his crazy eyes on the group. “Oh ho ho ho. What have we got here? Students lazing about and not doing their homework? I can fix that!” He started wiggling his fingers, sparks of magic building between them.

The male student screamed and tried to run.

“Oh ho! Where do you think you’re going?” Energy darted out towards the student and formed an eight around him. The living number scowled but brought the struggling student back to the Math Magician.

He stroked his beard thoughtfully for a second. “You seem a calculus sort of guy, am I right?”

The student blanched in terror. “No! Please, not calculus. It’s my worst subject!”

The Math Magician cackled. “All the more reason for you to study!” He pointed dramatically at the school. “To class with you!”

“Noooooooo!” The student’s fingers dug trenches in the soil as he was dragged back inside by the evil numeral.

The maniacal laughter was interrupted by a loud shout. “Hey! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size!” Rainbow shouted.

The Math Magician whirled to find Rainbow and the other girls standing up to him. “What do we got here? More students neglecting their studies?” He tutted at them and waved a finger. “Can’t have that, can we?”

“Why are you doing this? Sunset demanded.

“Because I, the evil Math Magician—“ Lightning flashed behind him. “—have seen too many students ignore their studies to goof off and have fun.” He stuck his tongue out. “And I will see that this injustice is squared away!”

Applejack slapped a hand to her eyes. “Math puns? Seriously?”

“As serious as algebra!” the old man countered and pointed at her. Suddenly she was surrounded by numbers and symbols that wrapped around her and drug her back into the school. She flailed and tried to escape, but there was no breaking the old man’s mathemagics.

The old man laughed again. His hands flashed, and the girls found themselves surrounded by hulking numbers and symbols.

“What do we do?” Fluttershy whispered and gave a startled squeak as a three hissed at her.

“We should get Twilight to help. She’s good with numbers!” Rarity flinched as a couple of letters wearing large white cloths growled at her. “Why are they wearing togas?”

“Those are Roman numerals, Rarity,” Sunset said as she raised her textbook to fend off a vicious one. “We don’t have time to call Twilight. She won’t be able to get here in time.”

“Then we’ll have to improvise!” Rainbow said before she yelled at the smug Math Magician. “Hey, buddy, how about we have ourselves a little competition!”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “A competition eh? What’ll it be? Calculus, trigonometry, advanced algebra?” He snorted when he got a better look at her. “Or maybe simple addition in your case.”

“Hey!” Her faced turned a bright, seething red. “I’ll make you pay for that! Go ahead, ask me any question, I got this. If I get it right, you have to leave town.”

“Fine!” He shot right back. “If I win, you will do school work for forever!”

“Rainbow…” Sunset warned.

Rainbow lifted a hand to her. “I got this.” She turned back to the Math Magician. “Go ahead, ask me your question.”

The Math Magician gave an evil grin. “What’s the tenth number of pi?”

The color drained from Rainbow’s face. “I don’t know, I only know the three numbers. That’s not fair!”

“Too bad!” The crazy wizard laughed, and a hulking number seven towered over Rainbow.

Fluttershy shrinked at the sight of it. “I-I don’t like the look of that one.”

Pinkie whispered to her, “I heard he ate nine.”

Rainbow shouted in denial as she was hauled back inside the school.

“Now that she’s out of the equation, who’s next?” the Math Magician squinted at them until he pointed a bony finger at Rarity. “You there! With the tacky glasses!”

“Tacky!” she screeched. “I’ll have you know—“

“What is your favorite subject? Hmm? You seem like a trigonometry sort of lady. Are you good with measurements?”

She huffed and turned her nose up at him. “I see no need to answer such an obtuse old man such as yourself.” Pinkie snickered while the other two facepalmed.

He held up a finger. “A very acute observation!—” Again, the facepalms. “—But one that won’t save you! Do you want to try your friend’s challenge with me?”

She snorted. “If it means you will take those gaudy robes with you, then by all means, ask me your question.”

“Gaudy?” he screeched. “I’ll have you know that these robes are of the finest silk, unequalled by any other material you will ever find. Why, I’ll bet they have a higher thread count than anything you—“

“I don’t mean to get in the middle of this tangent—“ Sunset started.

“Doesn’t she mean, median?” Pinkie whispered to Fluttershy.

“—but can we please move this along?”

Both the fashionista and magician harrumphed. “Fine then,” they said in unison.

He grinned wickedly at her. “What’s the average speed of an unburdened swallow?”

If it were possible, Rarity would have turned paler. “I don’t know tha—“ She screamed as she was carried off towards the school by a pair of fours.

The Math Magician cackled, and the remaining girls huddled up.

“What are we going to do? He’s going to make us do homework forever. I can’t do homework and watch the woodland critters at the same time.” Fluttershy said, glancing over her shoulder as the madman continued to terrorize other students.

“Don’t worry, Fluttershy, we can stop him,” Sunset said.

Fluttershy looked back at her. “How? He knows all these really hard math questions. I’m not sure if we can stop him.”

“If he divides us up anymore, there won’t be anybody to stop him,” Pinkie said, then looked at the other two with wide eyes as they gave her flat looks. “What?”

Sunset sighed. “Nevermind. I’ll challenge him next, Pinkie, Fluttershy, you get ready incase I get the question wrong. I’ve been studying real hard lately, and I think I can answer any question he might throw at me. We can’t let him ruin our summer vacations!”

Pinkie said, “Ooh, Sunset Shimmer’s in the mode!”

Sunset grimaced, but Fluttershy giggled. “Pinkie, please, no more.”

The girls stood straight and Sunset yelled at the Math Magician as his army of numbers carried more dejected looking students into the school.

She pointed a finger at him challengingly. “Math Magician! Your number is up!”

“Look, Sunset pointed her digit at him,” Pinkie whispered to Fluttershy again.

Sunset sighed but ignored the continued punishment. “I’ll take your challenge. What say you?”

He whirled back on her and he laughed at her dare. “So, you think to challenge the evil Math Magician after he defeated your friends?”

“That’s right, I can answer any question you throw at me!”

“Oh ho ho ho. We shall see.” He drummed his fingers together. “Let’s up the value of our little test. You answer three questions correctly, and I’ll turn myself in to the police. Sound fair?”

Sunset frowned but would not back down. “Agreed.”

“Fine then.” He stood straighter. “What is the cubed root of 2197?”

She stammered. “I need a calculator to answer that question.”

He bristled. “Calculator?! Always with the calculators with you young kids! Back in the day we used pencil and paper to do math equations, and you will too!” A pencil and notepad suddenly appeared in Sunset’s hands. “Now answer the question!”

With a grimace, she quickly jotted down on the paper until her eyes alighted. “Thirteen!”

He snorted. “Correct. That was an easy one. Now, let’s multiply the difficulty!” Energy laced from his hands and an algebraic formula appeared above him. Each of the symbols and numbers glared down at Sunset. “Answer this equation, smarty pants.”

“Um…” Sunset’s pencil worked furiously on the paper, as she muttered to herself. Just before she could speak, he beat her to the punch. “Times up!”

“You didn’t say there was a time limit!” She yelled at him. “I never solved for ‘x.’”

“Well it found you!” He pointed, and a giant X appeared and wrapped itself around the struggling Sunset. “To the classroom with you!”

“This is not over! I demand a retake!” She kicked futilely while being carried inside.

“I guess we’ll never find out what ‘x’ is,” Fluttershy lamented.

“It has always been a mystery.” Pinkie nodded sagely.

The Math Magician cackled again and turned on them. “So, my little pretties. Who’s going to face the facts next?”

Pinkie sighed. “Figures it is up to me.”

Even the Math Magician cringed at that one. “Pinkie, what are you going to do?” Fluttershy asked.

“The one thing I know will work.” She winked at Fluttershy and skipped up to the crazy mage. “How you doing?”

Fluttershy facepalmed.

The Math Magician scoffed at her. “I, the evil Mathmagician, am realizing my dream of making school kids do as they were always meant to do and do their school work! Forever!” He sneered at her. “So what will it be, pink one? Algebra, calculus, or even better… Quantum Physics?” He cackled madly again, lightning flashing behind him.

“Nope,” she said airily. “I have just the thing.”

His laughter ended abruptly. “Thing? What thing?”

“I have just the thing to help with your grumpy grumpiness.” She reached behind herself and dug around in her backpack. “Do you like pie?”

His expression scrunched up. “Pi? What will pi do? Unless you can recite the number of pi to the twentieth—“

“No, not pi, silly. Pie!” She presented a shining, wrapped, apple-filled pastry to him.

His eyes twitched. “Eh… ugh… No! I will not be divided between those delicious, tasty, pastries again and my desire to see kids do their homework! I will not… I…” His eyes glazed over and a bit of drool escaped his mouth as she unwrapped the apple pastry.

She waved it just under his nose. “Are you suuuuuure there’s no room in your formula for pie?”

His twitches became more violent, and his hands shook. “N-No… I’d be crazy to hate—“ He lurched for the pastry, but she quickly pulled it out of his reach.

“Say you give uuuuup.” She teasingly kept the dessert from his outstretched hands.

“Doooooh! I give up! I give up!” She handed the pie to him and he noisily ate. Bits of pie and filling clinging to his beard and face.

Sometime later, as the Math Magician was put into a squad car—still happily munching on another fruit pie— the students gathered around and cheered for their hero.

“Pinkie Pie, you did it!” Rainbow cheered. “How did you know that a pie would work?”

“Silly, everyone loves pie!” She laughed as the crowd lifted her up and happily bounced her above them.

Applejack sighed. “Please tell me we are done with the math puns?”

“They were getting logarithmic in scale,” Rarity agreed.

Applejack groaned while everyone else laughed around her.

Author's Note

I regret nothing.

This is what started it all.