Hi! I'm Crowbar Grine! Yeah... my parents were weird and came up with stupid names. But weird or not they had the right idea. They bought me a blue crowbar for my first birthday, the same crowbar that I have for a cutie mark. Let's jut say I'm very skilled with my crowbar, and if you cross me, I will do unspeakable things to you with my crowbar. But anyway, the story, right. It all started with books. Yeah... you heard right, books.
I walked into the palace, heading towards the library. I needed to look around for facts on griffin territory if I was to go on holiday there in a few years, or ever for that matter. As I walked towards the library section I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy, only mares got to be proper royalty, or even have an important job in Equestria, and they didn't have to deal with the mares when they went into the heat, or estrus as it was also called, because well, they're mares. They don't have to deal with themselves, or do they? No, they don't. I was so engrossed in my train of though that I failed to notice the purple princess in front of me, we collided and our horns touched. Shit. I was thrown across the room and crashed into Twilight's throne. I looked around and saw 10 thrones, great. I was seeing doubles. I tried to get up but felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I focused my mind and cast a simple healing spell. For me, these were easy, people had even said that my magic could rival Twilight's but I ignored them, knowing full well that I could never be as powerful as the element of magic... much less an alicorn. I was wrong. When two unicorn horns touch they release all their magical energy into propelling the other away. This can be stopped if you are focusing your magic into something else, such as your hooves, but as I was not and neither was she, we were both flung backwards. I had crashed into a throne, but the throne remained intact. Twilight however, had flown through the wall of the library and was lying down outside, unconscious. I galloped up to her, knowing that if I didn't help her, I'd probably get done for assault on royalty. Bah, that wasn't assault, if I wanted to assault her I would've used my crowbar. Once I reached her I focused my mind and cast a wake-up-you-stupid-princess spell. Guaranteed to work on all princesses or your money back! The next day I was going to get my 50 bits back, bloody Flim Flam brothers. 'welp, time to do this the old fashioned way!' I thought to myself. I summoned a bucket full of ice cubes and turned it over, to see a huge bucket shaped block of ice fall out, landing on the princesses head and knocking a few teeth out in the process. "Oh fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck! I am done for! Okay calm down, calm down. As long as nopony comes looking to the side of the castle, everything should be fine." I said to himself. He began charging up his horn when.
"Hey girls! I'm going to go round the castle! It's sooooo fun! Come on everypony! Follow me! It' super dooper looper fun!" A cheery voice squealed. Oh god. Pinkie Pie, the girls, the other elements! Fuck fuck fuck! I poured all my energy into my horn and cast the most complex healing spell I knew, it could almost bring somepony back from the dead. She was still unconscious and had a bit of blood on her, but she was fine. Now to get out of here.
"Get him!" I heard a raspy voice call out and looked up just in time to see a cyan blur slam into me. I teleported above her and summoned my crowbar.
"Let me explain or I'll show you the reason my cutie mark is a crowbar!" I shouted. The ponies backed away and I teleported Rainbow Dash back to them. I promptly explained what the hay had happened before they had discovered me standing over Twilight Sparkle's unconscious body.
"So ya weren't tyrin' ta rape 'er?" Applejack asked.
"What?!" I asked, wide eyed. "Jesus Christ! That kind of thing is unheard of in Equestria! It hasn't happened in over a thousand years!"
"Darling, pray tell, whoever is Jesus Christ?" Rarity asked.
"Ummm, I have absolutely no idea." I answered truthfully. "It just sounded like the right thing to say."
"Well umm... I think it worked fine to express your anger... if that's okay with you." Fluttershy whispered.
"That's fine Fluttershy. Now anypony have a bucket of ice cubes?" I asked.
"Oooh oooh! I do! I do!" Pinkie squealed and pulled a bucket of ice cubes out of her hair and proceeded to dump it on Twilight.
"Of course you do Pinkie, of course you do." I sighed and tossed away my crowbar. When Twilight came to I thought she would be pissed. I couldn't have been more wrong.
"Sweet Celestia! You have even more raw power then I do! Oooh I could train you! It's going to be so fun! We could be study buddies!" Twilight exclaimed in an almost Pinkie-like manner.
"Study buddies?" I asked.
"We study every day on random stuff and also magical stuff like healing spells or long range teleportation!"
"Sure." I shrugged. "Why the hay not?"
"Because you don't want to? Or you have no interest in studying or-"
"That was rhetorical."
So that was how it began. We met up at the castle library every day just after lunch and studied on griffins, dragons, magic, discord and crowbars. One day, she said she was ready to take it to the next level of studying, I had no idea what she meant so I agreed, the next day some crazy shit went down.
"Okay crowbar imagine an inanimate object and summon it, then you need to breathe life into it." I did, I imagined a piece of shit and summoned it. I then proceeded to breathe life into it. Turned out, it was insane and decided to jump off the balcony screaming, landing on Rarity's head who proceeded to scream like all tartarus had broken loose. the day after that she just teleported me to a weird dimension and sang.
"Congratulations Crowbar, I knew you could do it."
"Do what?"
"You did something today that's never been done before. Something even a great unicorn like Starswirl the Bearded was not able to do because he did not understand friendship like you do."
"I don't exactly have many friends."
"The lessons you've learned here in Ponyville have taught you well, you've proven that you're ready Crowbar."
"Oooh for cake?"
"You've come such a looong looong way, and I've watched you from the veeery first day." We walked down a corridor type thingy where all our sessions were hung up as moving picture on the walls.
"Slightly creepy, but go on."
"To see how you might grow, to see what you might do, to see what you've been through and all the ways you've made me proud of you."
"Bullshit. But don't let that stop you."
"It's time now for a new change to come."
"What?"
"You've grown up and your new life has begun."
"I became an adult two years ago Twi, We're the same age."
"To go where you will go."
"The griffin territories?"
"To see what you will see."
"Griffins?"
"To find what you will be."
"Are you turning me into a griffin or something?"
"For it's time for you to fulfill your destinyyyyyyyyyyy!"
"Oh for gods sake... hey give that back! That's my soul-magic-thingy your messing around with!" a brown squidgy thing had emerged from my chest and had proceeded to swirl around me, lifting me into the air and the pain, oh god the pain. "Aaaahhh! Oh god make it stop! Fuuuuuck!" I was then teleported into the sky inside my cutie mark. Damn it must have been weird to see a huge crowbar floating in the air and proceed to beat the shit out of the ground. I appeared in the crater from the crowbar attacks. 'wait wasn't this where Twilight was when she became an Alicorn. Huh.' Twilight appeared in front of me. "So... what was that all about?"
"Sweet Celestia. You're an alicorn dumbass!"
"No I'm not."
"Oh, really?"
"Eeyup!"
"Huh, well I have this as well." A big rock was help up in that purple magic of hers.
"So what's tha-" I was interrupted when she JAMMED THE DAMN THING DOWN MY THROAT! I then proceeded to pass out from oxygen starvation.
When I came to I was in a hospital bed with a little beep beep beep coming at me from the machine that was hooked up to me. I looke around to see ponies bowing? 'Oh what the hay has she done now?' I sighed. "At ease. And if you don't mind me asking, WHY THE HAY ARE YOU BOWING?!"
"Dude you're a fucking alicorn." A doctor answered.
"I am?!" A doctor showed me a picture of Twilight. My new wings flared. "I hate you so much." I summoned my crowbar and beat the ever loving shit out of him. I then healed him and beat the shit out of him again, I repeated the process until I got bored and teleported to Twilight's castle. "Oi! Open up!" The door opened to reveal a smiling Twilight.
"Soo?"
"What. The Fuck." I teleported to berry punch's place and nicked some alcohol, some matches and a cloth. I teleported back to the castle and Threatend Twilight for information. "What is this about?"
"I wanted to study a stallions reaction to becoming royalty! I also thought it was a little odd that there were no stallion alicorns. Oh and you're an element of harmony now!"
"What?"
"That rock I shoved down your throat was the element of crowbar massacre in its pure form!"
"Oh for fucks sake! You do not go shoving rocks down pony's throats!"
"I'm a princess! I can do whatever the hay I want!"
"And I'm king crowbar. Oh wait... yeah I am. I can do whatever the hay I want." I threw the molotov into her castle and quickly extinguished it. "Still doesn't mean I will! Wait... did you say crowbar massacre?"
"Eeyup!"
"I've always wanted an excuse to kill that Diamond Tiara!" I teleported Diamond Tiara to me and embedded my crowbar in her skull. "Pinkie Pie! It's party time!" I shouted. "Cos I'm a fucking manicorn!"
"A what?" Pinkie Pie asked from behind me.
"A manly alicorn or an alicorn that is a man."
"Huh."
"Welp, time for you all to die!" I then pulled my crowbar out of Diamond Tiara's corpse and murdered Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle. I teleported home and constructed the crowbar nuke. A bomb type thing which is in the form of a crowbar and when it explodes it scatters crowbars everywhere, the crowbars then explode. I used this to wipe out Canterlot, Fillydelphia, Buckingham, Las pegasus, Appleoosa and Manehattan. I galloped into town square and scattered the brains of all the ponies. ALL THE PONIES! 'Wait... why am I doing this? Oh yeah... crowbar massacre.' Once they were all dead, I killed Discord and burned down the Everfree and I opened the gates of Tartarus. Making me the best pony ever.
The end!
