Five Simple Words

by Symphony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1931

Join the ponies as they learn the joy of IDGAF

What happens when ponies know five small words that can abruptly stop any conversation and state that they really don't care? (CONTAINS SWEARING AND SEVERAL NO-NO WORDS.)

Published 2012-05-07 15:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-07 15:44:01 UTC

Five Simple Words

A wise man once said, ’’This is a song about five simple words, that when used together properly can help to relieve the stress, frustrations, and aggravations caused by all the people that make you wanna freak the fuck out. Why do you have to go and make things so hard? It doesn't have to be like this. Who the fuck do you think you are? That's it, I'm walking away, just one more reason for me to say I don't give a fuck’’

Those five simple words are a wonderful gift to mankind and ponykind, as it can relieve you the stress of people or ponies assuming that you care about what they say. 5 beautifully useful words, really.

But what happens when those magnificent words are in the everyday usage of candy-colored cartoon equines? Will they revel in the wisdom or will they crumble by being on the wrong end of the divine prophecy?

Let us see what happens.

It was another marvellous day in Equestria. The warm spring weather was a relieving moment for all of those who were working, as the winter weather could be awfully cold. The weatherponies of Equestria was working nonstop to keep the skies clear and beautiful so the ponies below could enjoy the sun of their beloved princess.

In a quiant familiar town, the townsponies was going through their everyday lives, singing, dancing, working and whatnot. It was truly a glorious day to be alive, or undead. Anyhow, as I was about to type, In a big tree in the middle of the town was the town library.

It was a huge tree, hollowed out to create a living area and a library. One of the habitants of the library was a baby dragon. The purple and green drake was busy cleaning the library, as he was the assistant of the lavender unicorn who was at the moment reading a big dusty tome.

’‘Spike?!’’ The unicorn called to her young assistant as he picked up a book and stacked it to the books he was already carrying.

’‘What?’’ Spike called back.

’‘Can you get me a copy of The Great Guide of Goo and Sticky Situations from the shelf?’’ She softly smiled at her assistant.

Spike was just standing there, staring at her and not moving. His palm made contact with his face with an audible slap, dragging the hand down his face in a very slow succession.

’‘Twilight.’’ He deadpanned. ’‘The shelf that has the book is no more than seven feet away from you.’’

’’So?’’

’‘Get off your lazy flank and get it yourself.’’ Spike muttered and continued picking up the littered books dutifully.

’‘Ugh, fine...’’ Twilight dragged herself up and started scanning the shelf for the book she needed. ’‘Spike, you’re my assistant. You should do it, not me! I mean, what the hell?’’ She exclaimed while flailing her arms. She was extremely unpatient when it came to searching for things.

’‘Hey, you don’t even pay me! The princess does. She’s the boss, not you.’’ Spike waved his hand dismissingly and walked into another room to clean it.

’’I don’t give a fuck! Please do it. I’m sick of this shit!’’ She laid down on her back dramatically and choked out a few very fake sobs.

’‘One shelf down from the top, far right.’’ Spike shouted from the other room. ’’It was right in front of you the entire time, jackass!’’

’’Oh...’’ Twilight muttered, blushing at her own actions. She reached out with her magic and grabbed the book with a title that could be easily misinterpreted and walked back to her desk.

With such a glorious vocabulary, there are sadly ponies who misuse the word of God to their own benefits. Those filthy blasphemers are often frowned upon and recieves a hefty amount of soap to the mouth. Even the ponies who aren’t of age and use the Whisper of Serenity will recieve soap and a lecture from their elders. They have yet to see the wisdom of the F-word and its entire effective area of usage. For shame younglings.

And there are also ponies who use them to win in heated arguments, those particular arguments are often very uncouth. As an example, to deal with those who hassle.

In another part of the vast town, an orange earth pony with a stetson hat perched upon her head was selling apples and apple accessories. Business was booming and she couldn’t be happier. Until ponies who wanted to lower the price of her glorious apples came along.

’‘Fuck that...’’ She gritted through her teeth as she glared at the stallion in front of him. He was trying to get the price down 3 bits. That was unacceptable.

’‘Five bits.’’ The stallion hissed.

’‘Eight.’’

’‘Six bits.’’ He was starting to loosen up, much to Applejack’s approval.

’’Ah said eight.’’ She braced her forelegs on the stand and stood up.

’‘Seven bits. That’s my final offer.’’ The stallion stated and threw a small bag of coins on the stand Applejack was leaning towards.

’‘Eight. Bits.’’ Applejack narrowed her eyes.

’‘Ugh, fine...’’ The stallion rolled his eyes and threw another bit on the stand. ’‘Lady, you’re hopeless.’’ He grabbed the bag of apples with his mouth and trotted off.

’’Ah don’ give a fugg! Th’ farm needs all the bits we can scramble up.’’ Applejack shouted at the stallion trotting away. She shook her head, chuckled and turned to her next customer. ’‘Don’t you fuggin’ dare try an’ hassle’’ She growled and narrowed her eyes. The mare next in line just gulped and nodded.

The Words of Salvation can also be used after accidents, to prove how much it actually hurt. At those moments, they will come to follow eachother rapidly and often very loud. They can only be used if the situation justifies it, like if a pony hurts themself badly or there’s no ice cream left. NO. ICE. CREAM.

The wisdom of the F-word can also be used to explain situations that cannot be explained by any other words. Those moments are often very precious and unbelievable. A joy for those who experience it and a bane for those who missed the situation that brought forward the word who God himself forged.

In the calm skies around the town, a cyan mare with an amazing rainbow mane was flying in speeds that non-athletic pegasi could never dream about achieving. Her grace as she did a barrel roll was flawless. She started diving towards the ground. A mach cone started to form in front of her.

’‘Just a little... More...’’ Rainbow Dash grunted. She only needed to go a little faster. To her horror, she started slowing down against the powerful winds around her. She gulped and tried to accelerate but to no avail. She hit the powerful winds like a wall and was flung away in the other direction.

’‘SSSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT’’ She panicked and flailed her arms while sailing through the air rather ungracefully. She couldn’t right herself with her wings in the speed she was in. She saw the ground coming towards her and fast. To her dumb luck, she was heading towards a lake. Unbeknownst to her, crashing into water in high speeds is like running into a concrete wall head first. She learnt it the hard way.

After she had pulled herself from the freezing water, Rainbow was lying on her back on the shore, resting her bruised body. Even moving just a little shot pain into her.

’’Ow, ow, ow, fuck that hurts, ow, ow, ow, I’m so fucking stupid, fuck, ouch ow ow ow owwww...’’ Rainbow was in no mood to contemplate about getting up and walking back, even flying right now in her state felt preposterous. After a few minutes of calming down and not moving a single muscle, she stood up and stretched her back. It still hurted a little but she was made of tough stuff. She could handle it.

’‘Hollow bones my ass.’’ She contemplated and was glad to notice that she hadn’t broken any bones in her body. After a few more minutes of thinking what happened, the realization struck her like a ton of bricks. Again. ’‘That was pretty fuckin’ awesome...’’ She limped back into town. Rainbow decided that it wouldn’t be such a good idea to fly right now or the rest of the day until she had to fly back up to her cloud home.

These majestic words are truly fit for a royalty. All the diplomatic problems that could be answered just by the wave of a hoof and five simple words is just the first of many amazing feats of running a country by leading of those words could be endless in comparison with the fruity ways they are handled as of now.

Some would call it insane, some would call it preposterous. Some would even call it childish. But fuck you who says that. The fuck allowed you to make those assumptions? Anyhow, as the time changes, the way of ruling a country will also change with the time.

Don’t believe me?

In the Canterlot castle, ponies was working to keep up with the lunar princesses requests of more moon pie, cheetos and Mountain Dew. But the princess of the sun, Celestia was taking a relaxing stroll through the statue garden.

Statues of great heroes and great enemies adorned it, along with many flowers of all kinds of shapes, sizes and colors. The princess felt truly relaxed on her own, no duties to tend to, not being forced to sit around and listen to two ponies arguing about who did what and when and what the other one said about the other one’s mother. It was boring to say the least.

As she reached her favorite part of the garden, Celestia couldn’t feel as if something was gone. The feeling nagged at her like a filly screaming for candy it wouldn’t recieve. Or like the whining from Luna when Celestia pulled the plug for the internet connection. She decided to investigate. Scooby Doo style.

As she came around a hedge corner, she could see that something was indeed missing. The statue of Discord was gone, only a few scraps of stone shaped like a draconeequus was lying on the ground. Celestia panicked at first, but took a few breaths to calm down. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath while counting to ten. As she opened her eyes, she felt relaxed again. She promptly turned around and started walking back to her castle.

’’I don’t give a fuck, I’m sick of this shit anyways.’’ Celestia levitated the massive golden crown off her head, dropped it to the ground and kept on walking. ’‘I’ll go play Team Fortress 2 with Luna instead.’’ She said to nopony in particular and headed to her little sister’s quarters, where the deep resounding wubs from dubstep was echoing through the halls of the castle.

And with that, I can safely say to you all, the words of the saviour will guide you to being relaxed and feel better than before by just uttering five small words that divided will not do much impact but when combined correctly, you have yourself a lifesaver.

Have a glorious new viewpoint. Maybe now you will consider using the wisdom in the future, the possibilities are huge for this. And if you decide to not use these words and ignore the lesson learned by reading this, I don’t give a fuck.