Celestia sat alone in her room, deep in her annual Hearth's Warming guilt. For this one day every year, she would step out of her normally cheery persona, and--as many other ponies did--take some time for her family. The difference was that her family was gone, and it was all her fault.
Luna was on the moon, gone for another seven years yet. It seemed so short, compared to the rest of the time that had passed, and yet the distance between her return and the present only seemed to grow each year. Every year, it was a more easily recognized fact that Luna was gone, and harder to believe that she'd ever be back.
All the other ponies in Equestria were celebrating, spending time with family and friends, their spirits as bright as the stars of Luna's first Hearth's Warming after she got her cutie mark. Why, even now there was a celebration right within the castle walls! A group of foals and their families from all over Equestria had been invited to the castle for a very special Hearth's Warming, a reward for academic excellence on the parts of the little colts and fillies. Celestia chuckled slightly, allowing a tiny smile to grace her features for a moment. They were so young, so innocent. They had not yet been touched by the cruelty of fate, the horror of life.
She had been the same once. Even through Discord's reign, Celestia had kept a light heart. It had not been her fault, after all, and nopony was truly harmed by his tyranny. They had been scared, yes. The world was incomprehensible then, and there were no constants or rules; it was unnatural, and impossible to live in, which was why she and Luna had moved to defeat Discord. But ponies had recovered, and Celestia had seen no permanent damage, so she had remained innocent as ever, blind to the true evil of the world. She suspected that her sister had known, as many of the deeper issues and stronger emotions came to light under the moon. Of course Luna had known. Luna was so much wiser than she was, and Celestia had banished her.
Celestia's thoughts went on in this manner undisturbed for some time, heart heavy with guilt. Though she had been born to be a creature of light and goodness, she now let herself be consumed by darkness--not the healing darkness of honest introspection, the kind of darkness Luna had brought, but the poisoned darkness of self-loathing. She was a beacon of hope to her subjects, and she did everything she could to make Equestria a better place, but she could not help but think that she had inadvertently done just as much to harm as to help. She felt that she was only now making up for the past damage she had done.
This belief was not unfounded. Celestia reasoned that, by encouraging her own self-worship nearly a thousand years ago, she had set the example that it was acceptable, even encouraged, to put oneself as high up as one could. She had allowed herself to shine with all of the glory that others lavished upon her, and in doing so, had stolen it from her sister. She had accidentally promoted narcissism and egocentrism, which had caused no end of trouble to Equestria, as ponies learned to believe that their own well-being was more important than anypony else's.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Princess? There's somepony here to see you." The gruff voice of one of her guards interrupted her silence.
"Who is it?" Celestia replied. She didn't want to be interrupted, but she had duties to fulfill, responsibilities to uphold. "Let them in, please." The door creaked open a bit, just enough to reveal a scared-looking filly. She was a silvery-white unicorn, with long, aquamarine hair that matched her eyes. She bore no cutie mark yet.
"Umm... I'm Abalone, Y-Your Majesty. I... C-can I come in?" The filly stuttered, bowing deeply. She seemed to be in some state of distress, and helping ponies in distress was what Celestia was best at. Other than raising the sun. And shining too brightly...
Celestia mentally shook herself back into the moment.
"Come here, my little pony. Is there something wrong?" She lifted a wing, gesturing for the little filly to come sit next to her. Abalone quickly obliged, hurrying across the room to snuggle up against Celestia. Yet she said nothing. Celestia waited in silence, thinking it best to let Abalone explain her troubles in her own time. And, after all, it hardly mattered what was wrong--it seemed that now, as was often the case, what this distressed pony needed most was a listening ear and a comforting wing. Those were things Celestia was glad to give. She knew that anypony who needed her help was the most important thing in the moment. She'd learned that the hard way, when she'd put aside the worries and cares of her little sister in favor of less important problems, if any at all. Almost everything that Celestia knew she'd had to learn through her past mistakes.
As she felt the familiar guilt and shame settle upon her shoulders, dragging her back into the wells of pain and sorrow that she'd been living in for the past few hours, there was a tiny tap at her side.
"Princess Celestia? Are you all right?" Abalone stared up at her with wide, concerned eyes.
"I'm fine, Abalone. Sometimes I just get caught up in the weight of the world."
"Well, you don't have to carry it all by yourself, silly!"
Only a foal would dare call me "silly," Celestia thought wryly. "You'd be surprised how many ponies don't want any part in it. Not all grown-ups are actually as responsible as they claim to be."
"Well, then I'll help! Nopony said that only grown-up ponies could do anything!" Abalone retorted, pouting.
"You're quite right, little one. But for now, I think you've got enough weight on your shoulders. Not many ponies would come rushing to me like that if they didn't have something serious on their minds. Would you like to tell me what's going on?" Celestia redirected the conversation away from herself. It wasn't for her to go sharing her personal troubles, not when somepony else needed help first. Abalone's brow wrinkled.
"I heard a story... one of the other foals at the party said something that I don't think is true. But you're the only pony who would know the truth, I think. It wasn't nice, what he said."
"Well, what did he say?"
"He said that... the Mare in the Moon is a pony. That there's somepony alive up there, and that she's been trapped for a really long time. I mean, we all know the story of evil Nightmare Moon and how she got banished, but he said that she's not evil. He said that she's a princess like you, and... and that you sent her away because you didn't want to share the sky. But it's not true, right? You're a good pony, you wouldn't have sent somepony away unless they were really bad!"
Celestia's heart sank. After nearly a thousand years where Equestria had praised her victory over Nightmare Moon, finally someone had questioned the truth of it--the goodness of it. A filly, who had somehow heard something like the true story, and had come to verify the tale. What could she say? To pretend that Luna had been truly evil, and that she herself was blameless, would be lying--and it might not convince Abalone, who was, after all, here for her intelligence. Likewise, she could not pretend that the whole thing was just a myth, especially since Luna was going to return in but a few years. Abalone was bound to question Celestia's story at some point, and realize that Celestia might have told it just to cement her reputation.
Yet, to tell the truth could be equally devastating. That Celestia had driven Luna, through arrogance and blindness, to become Nightmare Moon, and then banished her for her actions, would clearly paint Celestia as the villain of the story. Abalone would grow up believing that her ruler was a monster and a tyrant--which might be true, but would only cause destruction and mistrust. Still, honesty would be ideal... perhaps there was a way to explain what happened without vilifying herself or falsifying events. She took a breath to calm her nervousness.
"What you heard was not exactly correct, but it wasn't entirely wrong either. The same is true for the story you are more familiar with, the common legend of Nightmare Moon and her banishment."
"Oh." Abalone looked concerned and a little upset. "But you're not a bad pony, are you, Princess?"
Celestia was again taken aback. She didn't know how to answer that question. She did her best for Equestria, and she thought of herself as an effective leader, but a good pony wouldn't have sent her sister to the moon for a thousand years. "It's... complicated, Abalone. Good and bad aren't always clear-cut, and nopony is perfect, not even me. I've made some mistakes. Nightmare Moon was my worst." Abalone still looked upset, but she nodded in understanding. "I don't think I'm a bad pony. But how about this? I'll tell you what happened, and you can tell me what you think of it." Abalone agreed to the proposal. Celestia realized that, since she was the only creature who could currently tell the story from memory, her credibility was still low. Abalone might yet question it, though it was true, and decide that she was an evil tyrant--but that was a risk that Celestia had to take. She had to trust in the power of honesty to see her through this.
"The story starts over a thousand years ago. I was young and carefree then, and life was good. Equestria was thriving, and everything seemed beautiful to my eyes. Including myself. Especially myself.
"You were taught, I'm sure, that selfishness is bad, and that vanity can hurt ponies around you. This is true, and the consequences for vanity can be very real sometimes. But I didn't know that, then. While I may have been older than everypony else, and deemed wise, brave, and strong enough to lead Equestria, I was a fool. When it came to treaties and petitioners, it was all well and good, but in the most basic matters of life, I knew almost nothing. I had known these lessons once, when I was but a filly myself, but by this time, they had all been forgotten.
"You see, I had a sister. A younger sister, named Princess Luna. She would raise the moon each evening, and watch over the night, whereas I presided over the day. Her nights were beautiful, bringing peace and joy to all those who saw them. She was a deeper mare than I, understanding sorrow and pain as well as joy. In many ways, she was, well, a better pony than I was."
Abalone interrupted. "Is that Nightmare Moon? Is she the pony who got banished?"
"Yes," Celestia whispered. "And it was, indeed, my doing. But don't get ahead of me, the story is longer than that.
"Luna had ruled alongside me for a great many years now. We had kept the nation going through the hard times, and driven it to prosper in the good. But gradually, something happened. The ponies who had previously rejoiced in both day and night began to worship the sun, glorifying its warm rays and attributing it all to me. I didn't help matters, for although I saw what was going on, I did nothing to stop it. I myself became somewhat... corrupted. I basked in the glory that my subjects bestowed upon me, giving more of my time to improving my image and less to what was actually important.
"When Luna and I held court, I would leap to prove I could solve any problem our subjects could bring. The precedent at this time was for me to descend my throne at moonrise, just after Luna would take hers. There would be a space of time when we would rule together, and ponies often came flooding to court then in hopes of getting an audience with both princesses at once. Once the last of the sunlight had faded from the sky, I'd leave the throne room--stepping down from power for the night--and Luna would hold her Night Court. But just over a thousand years ago, I started taking over the few minutes when we'd rule together and staying longer afterwards. There were even a few days when I actually dismissed Luna from court dealings, saying that I could handle it. The worst part, though, was that ponies loved it.
"Eventually, it grew such that nopony even came to Luna's Night Court, and she sat those two nights a week completely alone. I started taking over everything else, soon, too. In the judicial court, I always had the final say on everything. Nopony would do Luna's bidding without asking me first, but it did not work the other way. I could pass laws and make court rulings without being questioned, but Luna could not do anything that I had not yet approved. At celebrations, she'd just stand slightly behind me, while I did and said everything that I needed to- and more.
"It became so that everypony came to recognize me as the 'rightful princess', while Luna was just 'the princess's little sister'. I did everything that needed to be done in the kingdom, even though Luna constantly assured me that she could take care of at least something. She still did her nightly duties of raising the moon and watching over the night and the dreamscape, but she was allowed to do almost nothing else. And worst of all, I never had time for her.
"You see, we'd always had time for one another before. Saturdays were generally the time we spent together, when I'd sleep in until about noon after raising the sun, Luna would wake up early at about the same time, and we'd spend the day together until duties, or sleep, called us. We often stayed up late into the night. That way, neither of us would lose too much sleep, and we'd both be able to see the other's creation- she the day, and I the night.
"But now, when attention and glory began to shift solely onto my shoulders, I too began to shun my little sister. I'd no longer adjust my Saturday schedule for her, and always tell her that I was too busy running a kingdom to play or spend time with her.
"To my credit, I did listen when she said she needed to talk, but she never talked about what was really bothering her. I'd asked a couple times, but she always pushed it aside. She'd tell me that it was nothing, or that she'd just had a particularly hard night. I wasn't worried; I trusted Luna to tell me if anything was amiss. Occasionally, she'd ask me if she could do a little more for Equestria, and I'd usually agree, although I'd always remind her that I could handle everything and didn't want to place too much burden on her shoulders. She'd always reply with a smile, saying that she didn't want me to get too stressed either.
"I often feel now that I'd overlooked her feelings, ignored her, not done enough to help. She was telling me all along what she wanted, what she needed. I think that she felt that a ruler did not reveal her emotions, for the sake of her subjects, and therefore tried to use only subtle cues to communicate her feelings. I should have known, should have realized how hurt she was by my selfishness, how much I was showing off. Because she did leave hints, and indirectly, she told me exactly what was wrong and what I could do to help. I just wish I had listened...
"One day, when I came into the throne room to begin Day Court, she was waiting. She had come to believe that Equestria only had room for one princess, and something in her had finally decided to fight back. All of the pain and loneliness she had carried for so long turned into rage, and before my eyes, she raised the moon to eclipse the sun, drew upon the power of her night, and transformed into Nightmare Moon. She grew taller; her coat, once deep blue, turned black; and her eyes became cold and merciless. I was terrified by those eyes. They were the eyes of a monster, and I feared that my sister was gone beyond retrieval. My fears were reinforced when she announced that she intended to kill me. She attacked, but I refused to fight back, possibly the only thing I had done right in a long time. Instead, I turned and ran.
"I hoped, though I knew the hope was slim, that Nightmare Moon would see reason--that in a few minutes, her ire would calm and my sister would return. I did try to talk to her, but my ego had made me commanding rather than sympathetic--I commanded her to lower the moon. She laughed in my face. I fled through the night sky, but I could not evade her forever, and eventually I was hit. I fell to the floor of the throne room. I could no longer wait for her to calm down; she had become a true threat, and I feared that my sister, Princess Luna, had vanished into the monster. I had to fight her, but I could choose my weapon. I used the power of something called the Elements of Harmony, a powerful force of good magic, to defeat her. I sent her away, sealing her in the moon. I didn't mean for it to be for so long. Luna had been tied to three of the Elements, and one Bearer turning them against the other shattered our connections to them. I lost control, and she was banished... for a thousand years.
"I tried to get her back. I tried everything I could to undo the spell, but nothing worked. The power of the Elements of Harmony fades with time, but that fading is immensely slow--even now, I cannot free her." Celestia fell silent, briefly closing her eyes in grief. Then she sighed.
"Well, Abalone? That is the truth of the story, as honestly as I can tell it. I will not deny that I banished my sister to the moon. She is trapped up there, and has been for a very, very long time. I blame myself entirely for it. I turned her into Nightmare Moon, and I punished her for her actions instead of helping her heal. Yet I will say this in my defense: when I used the Elements of Harmony to seal her away, I believed her to be a true threat to, not only myself, but Equestria. And I have learned from my mistake. I have become more self-aware, and less self-centered--I will never again allow my vanity to control me or hurt others. When Luna returns, I will do whatever it takes to get my sister back... even let somepony else take my place to free her from herself. I have proven ineffective at the task, and it seems the best thing I can do to help is raise somepony else to complete it. Given all of this, what is your judgement of me?"
Abalone had listened to the story with wide eyes and perked ears. She seemed to ponder the question seriously, face scrunched up (adorably, Celestia thought) in deep thought. "You're not a bad pony, Princess," she said at last. "I think that silly colt made his story up about you sending your sister away because you wanted the kingdom for yourself. My mommy says that everypony is responsible for their own actions, and doesn't that mean that Princess Luna is responsible for going bad? I think she should have talked to you when she was upset. She shouldn't have used violence to try to solve her problems. And... you shouldn't have been selfish, but it sounds like you're sorry about what you did wrong, and you're trying to fix it. And that means you're not a bad pony, you just made a mistake, right?"
Celestia chuckled ruefully. "I hope so, little one." Indeed, she pondered, though Abalone's reasoning had been simplistic and idealistic--which was to be expected for a filly of her age--she had a point. In telling that story, she had forced herself to see things from a fairer perspective, which allowed Luna to take the blame for her actions. For so long, Celestia had been blaming herself for everything that Luna had done. Perhaps that blame, and her guilt, had been misplaced.
But right now, she had somepony to take care of. "Come on, little filly, let's get you back to your family. I'm sure you should be in bed by now." Celestia stood and gently levitated Abalone onto her back (despite the filly's "awwww" of disappointment at having to go to bed), cupping her wings to keep her in place. She softly made her way through the corridors of the castle, heart rising. She knew that she had made some mistakes, and had played a terrible part in her sister's destruction. Those sins could not be lifted until Luna chose to forgive them, but she could wait another seven years. And now, she finally realized that Luna had made some mistakes, too. Celestia was not entirely to blame for Luna's banishment; Abalone was right. Luna hadn't had to fight, and should have been clearer about her feelings. They both shared the blame; they both had hurt each other, as they had hurt themselves.
But it was time to move on. After nearly a millennium of holding on to that pain, perhaps forgiveness was possible. Celestia took a deep breath and smiled softly, imagining her worries floating away on the exhale. The rest of her walk was peaceful, and at last, she reached the rooms where Abalone and her family were staying. Knocking quietly, she discovered that there was nopony within; they were doubtlessly still at the party. She'd be sure to drop by on her way back to her chambers to let Abalone's parents know where their daughter was. Making her way inside, she found the filly's bed and levitated her down onto it. As soon as she touched the bed, Abalone curled up like a cat, sighing contentedly in her sleep. Celestia tucked her in with a gentle smile.
Celestia watched as Abalone snuggled into her pillow. Then, she turned and left the room. She would go alert Abalone's parents of their daughter's location, and then she would decide what to do with the rest of the night. Perhaps she would go join the party; after all, her heart was now as light as the clouds that Luna used to make scuttle across the moon on clear winter's nights. No use wasting these last few years in sorrow when there was joy to be found around every corner.
Author's Note
This is meant to be a fluffy, heartwarming story about Celestia learning to forgive herself. As such, though it touches on the idea of depression, it intentionally avoids going into the meaning of that word. I want this to be introspective, but also fairly lighthearted, which is why, while Celestia could be seen as depressed, I've done my best to lighten it to mere guilt. Perhaps it is unrealistic. If so, let me remind you of "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep". I hope I've at least done better than that; if not, well, it's consistent with the show!
Many of my stories deal with depression. It's a hard topic to write about, and I don't take depressed characters lightly--as such, only a few of those stories have been finished and published. In this story, I wanted to send a message of hope and forgiveness. In most of those others, I want to comment on the brokenness of the world. They're very different. The former is hard to write because it's hard to make real; especially for a cynic like myself, a story needs to offer very good proof that love and forgiveness work despite the brokenness of the world, and not gloss over the reality of pain. As such, again, I find it likely that I've got something terribly wrong here, and that it's horribly unrealistic in one way or another (which is why I urge you to read it in a light of heartwarming fluff and not instructions on how to live your life). The latter is hard to write because broken things must be handled with care, or you'll wind up getting cut, breaking them further, or both. Nevertheless (and I must be insane to do this, but so be it), I'm planning a sequel to this story: To Fix a Broken World. It will also feature Abalone, this time as the protagonist (instead of just a plot device to fix Celestia), once she's grown up a bit and developed her character and problem-solving skills some more. I... don't know anything more about it than that yet. We'll see if it even gets written, but one good thing came out of it: I figured that if I was going to write a sequel to this story, it had better be in its best form, so I came back and fixed this up! (Trust me, it needed to be fixed.)
If you grieve during the holidays, please be assured that this story is not trying to tell you that that's wrong. This time of year is hard for me, too; it's often a reminder of the things--people, places, time, innocence--that I've lost. That was actually why I chose Hearth's Warming for the setting of this story--it seems likely to me that Celestia would spend that time grieving for Luna, before she returned. I hope that the message from this story has not been "don't grieve". That was not my intention, nor is it my belief. Grief is a necessary part of healing, and an unavoidable part of life. However, dwelling on your past mistakes is not healthy--learn from them, but do not let them consume you. That is the message that I've tried to convey here.
